The Power of Discord: why the ups and downs of relationships are the secret to building intimacy, resilience, and trust

by Dr Ed Tronick, Claudia M. Gold

How can we create more meaningful and intimate connections with our loved-ones? By using moments of discord to strengthen our relationships, explains this original, deeply researched book.

You might think that perfect harmony is the defining characteristic of a good relationship, but the truth is that human interactions are messy, complicated, and confusing.

The good news, however, is that we are wired to deal with this from birth — and even to grow from it and use it to strengthen our relationships, according to renowned psychologist Ed Tronick and paediatrician Claudia Gold. Scientific research — including Dr Tronick’s famous ‘Still-Face Experiment’ — has shown that working through mismatch and repair in everyday life helps us form deep, lasting, trusting relationships; resilience in times of stress and trauma; and a solid sense of self in the world.

This refreshing and original look at our ability to relate to others and to ourselves offers a new way for us to think about our relationships, and will reassure you that conflict is both normal and healthy, building the foundation for stronger connections.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Relationships, Parenting, Counselling, Self Help, Social Science

288 pages, Paperback

First published June 2, 2020

Reviews

[Peiman · Rating 3 out of 5]

کتاب قدرت اختلاف با شرح دو مورد مشکل بین فرزند و والدین شروع میشه و بعد با یک آزمایش به پدیده یا فرایندی به نام چهره‌ی سرد پرداخته. یک نوزاد و مادر با هم گرم برخورد میکنند، مادر به فرزند توجه می‌کنه و بعد ناگهان بدون توجه به نوزاد چهره‌ای سرد و بی تفاوت به خودش می‌گیره و کودک شروع می‌کنه به کارهایی برای جلب توجه مادر. این فرایند رو چهر‌ه‌ی سرد نامگذاری کرده که ابتدا در رابطه‌ی نوزاد و والدین بهش توجه شده و بعد به روابط دیگه تعمیم میده. یازده فصل در این کتاب اومده که ابتدای کتاب خیلی مختصر در یکی دو خط توضیح داده که قراره چی گفته بشه و من همون رو اینجا می‌نویسم تا بیشتر با فصول کتاب آشنا بشید:

«در فصل نخست، توضیح می‌دهیم که اختلاف نه تنها سالم است، که برای رشد و تحول فرد ضرورت دارد. ما طی این فصل به شواهدی پژوهشی اشاره می‌کنیم که نشان می‌دهد چگونه فرایند ناهمسویی و ترمیم در رشد انسان نقشی مرکزی ایفا می‌کند. در فصل دوم به واکاوی اهمیت نقص می‌پردازیم و از انتظارات فرهنگ معاصر راجع به کمال سخن می‌گوییم. در فصل سوم نشان می‌دهیم که چه چیزی به احساس امنیت برای استقبال از آشفتگی یا بالعکس، هراس از بی نظمی‌ها منجر می‌شود. طی فصل چهارم، عمدتاً به دوگانه انگاری نادرست زیست‌شناسی در برابر محیط یا همان طبیعت در مقابل تربیت می‌پردازیم. در این بخش توضیح می‌دهیم که چگونه حس شما از خویشتن‌تان و توانایی‌تان جهت صمیمیت‌ورزی از ثانیه به ثانیه تعاملات روابط آغازینتان تأثیر می‌پذیرند و در طول عمر به واسطه روابط تازه‌تان تداوم می‌یابند. در فصل پنجم نگاهی نو به تاب‌آوری خواهیم داشت و نشان خواهیم داد که تاب‌آوری نه صفتی ذاتی یا واکنشی به ناملایمات، بلکه کیفیتی است که در هنگام مواجهه هر کدام از ما با لحظات پرشمار ناهمسویی و ترمیم در تعاملاتمان رشد می‌کند. در فصل ششم نشان می‌دهیم که چگونه الگوهای تکرار شونده تعاملات (بازی‌ها) به احساس تعلق در خانواده، محل کار و فرهنگ به عنوان یک کل یاری می‌رسانند. در فصل هفتم نشان می‌دهیم که تکنولوژی چگونه می‌تواند این بازی‌ها را به شکل ترسناکی دستخوش تغییر کند و با کمک پارادایم چهره‌ی سرد راجع به مدیریت و پذیرش این تغییرات پیشنهادهایی ارائه می‌دهیم. در فصل هشتم روشی نو و متفاوت برای اندیشیدن در مورد رنج هیجانی ناشی از قطع روابط پیشنهاد می‌کنیم. در فصل نهم نشان می‌دهیم که چگونه افراد با کمک فضا و زمان حاصل از تعاملات پرشمار تازه، مجالی برای خلق معانی نو می‌یابند. در فصل دهم به خطر قطعیت و چسبیدن به پاسخ‌های ساده می‌پردازیم، ما طی این فصل ارزش عدم قطعیت را در تسهیل رشد و تحول فردی نشان می‌دهیم. در نهایت در فصل یازدهم، مدل پیشنهادی‌مان را به بیماری‌های اجتماعی کنونی بشر پیوند می‌زنیم و نشان می‌دهیم که پارادایم چهره‌ی سرد چگونه می‌تواند به اجتماعات و به طور کلی جوامع در مسیر دستیابی به امید و تاب‌آوری یاری رساند.»

در مجموع کتاب خوبی بود اما خیلی از نتایج و موارد مطرح شده برای من تکراری بود با این تفاوت که در این کتاب از مسیر متفاوتی به اون نتیجه رسیده بود، از مسیر پارادایم چهره‌ی سرد.ه

[Heidi Wiechert · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Power of Discord is a study of human connection and disconnection. The authors, Ed Tronick and Claudia Gold, demonstrate through scientific and therapeutic studies that by working through conflict and the messiness of every day life, our relationships can be stronger than ever before.

Our earliest relationships have a profound affect on the way we interact with others as adults. It is almost scary how fast infants develop the responses that they carry with them into adulthood. In Tronick's groundbreaking study called the "still-face" experiment, his findings helped researchers discover how infants communicate with their mothers.

In the experiment, a mother and child are interacting, playing as usual. Then, the mother turns away a moment and when she turns back, her face is still and empty of emotion.

The curious thing about the infants' reaction to their caregiver presenting them with a face devoid of emotion is that researchers could already see how the relationship between the two was developing. Infants in a healthy relationship kept trying to get a reaction out of the other person until their caregiver "went back to normal." Infants in a "dysfunctional" relationship, or who were for whatever reason were less connected with their parent, shut down and practiced coping or self soothing mechanisms rather than trying to draw the caregiver out.

Prior to this experiment, it was assumed that infants had little to no communication ability whatsoever.

"When confronted with a stressful situation, (infants) could apply a style of interaction drawn from the everyday exchanges with their caregivers. While they did not yet have the capacity for language or conscious thought, they were able to draw on their countless moment-to-moment interactions to cope with the stress of caregivers' unfamiliar behavior."

I worried, as I read the study, that the children would somehow be scarred by it. Some of the reactions the researchers described were very intense and painful for everyone involved. But the authors assured readers the level of stress in the experiment wasn't something beyond what the children would encounter in their daily lives. Still, it seemed rather unfair to them. It wasn't like researchers could explain what was going on.

Beyond the initial interactions that form the manner in which people craft their relationship styles, Tronick and Gold delve into further issues that may affect how you connect with others like: the pernicious effects of perfectionism and addiction to technology, feeling safe around others, taking responsibility for your connection style, and, the part I liked the most, the surprising way discord makes relationships stronger.

"... it is not simply what happened when we were young that screws us up now. Along the way to growing up and into our adult lives, we continue to create new ways of being screwed up. Only when we have accumulated a whole new set of interactions, when we work through the inevitable moments of disconnection to again find connection, will we grow and change."

Though we learn how to form connections before we even have language, researchers have found that connection styles can be relearned, relationships can be repaired and are repaired, every day, little by little. In countless "mismatch and repair" moments, we teach ourselves that there is nothing broken that can't be restored. It builds confidence in the relationship and trust in ourselves and each other - the building blocks of intimacy.

Highly recommended for readers looking to engage in some introspection about their own attachment style or for those who are curious about how relationships are formed and maintained.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for a free advance reader copy of this book.

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

A good and challenging read for the part of me that feels like being perfect is the key to relational stability and safety. This book continued to help me see what I intellectually know to be true, but am emotionally still learning — that mistakes and errors in relationships are key to their growth and safety when these mistakes and ruptures can be met with repair and understanding.

[Ana-Maria Voloc · Rating 4 out of 5]

„Chiar dacă ai avut parte de cele mai rele prime experiențe de viață, atunci când te imersezi în relații noi și lași loc pentru desincronizări și resincronizări, semnificațiile de deznădejde se pot transforma în semnificații de speranță”.

[Sarah Cupitt · Rating 4 out of 5]

The problem is, when discord is stigmatised we gain little practice navigating it.

notes:
- Adding to these challenges is our advice-obsessed culture. A whole economy exists for this, built on sharing tips for everything from raising resilient children to boosting productivity. This creates the expectation that experts have all the answers and there's always a "right way" to succeed. Ironically, this reinforces the perfection paradigm and short-circuits the essential repair process.
- discord is essential both for building resilience within yourself and for creating deeper connections with others.
- it’s the repair process – not perfection – that ultimately creates trust and intimacy
- When it comes to relationships, conflict, compromise, and tension are unavoidable.
- Moving through challenging moments of discord is precisely how we grow and connect more deeply
- even in healthy, securely attached relationships, approximately 70% of all parent-infant interactions are actually out of sync. This pattern continues throughout our primary love relationships
- We've been conditioned to view mismatch as problematic, when in fact, it's normal and expected. The critical element – the thing that makes this discord beneficial – is repair
- Those with robust experiences of repair develop more hopeful, open approaches to relationships and build confidence in their ability to work through inevitable conflicts. Conversely, people without sufficient repair experiences often approach relationships with guardedness and negativity, and develop fewer strategies for managing conflict
- Stephen Hawking once observed that "without imperfection, neither you nor I would exist."
- Renowned pediatrician and psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott noted that after the first few months of a newborn's life, when parents are hyper-attuned to their helpless child's needs, the parent actually needs to begin "failing" the infant in order for healthy development. These small, manageable disappointments allow the child to develop critical self-regulation skills as they learn to manage their emotions and needs independently.
- This type of meaning-making hinges on regulatory abilities, particularly self-regulation – our capacity to experience the full spectrum of emotions without being overwhelmed. Self-regulation creates space for meaning-making by allowing us to step back from immediate reactions and consider what each conflict reveals about our needs, values, and patterns.
- This pattern continues through adulthood. When friends resolve a misunderstanding or partners work through conflict, each successful repair strengthens regulatory abilities. The cycle of discord, repair, and reconnection teaches us that relationships can withstand imperfection, allowing us to remain present during future challenges rather than withdrawing or escalating
- Relationship mess becomes meaningful because working through it demonstrates that imperfection isn't merely inevitable – it's necessary for growth.
- These moments become the basis for handling the big challenges that mark every life: loss, trauma, crisis, and turmoil. Our experience navigating and repairing discord is what allows us to grow through hardships that could easily derail us.
- emotional discomfort is survivable and temporary.
- People who have experienced the trauma of ongoing toxic stress are not given the opportunity to build resilience out of discord.
- Consider peek-a-boo, that universal game played across cultures. Caregivers repeat it patiently until the infant understands and participates. This simple interaction teaches profound lessons about object permanence, but more importantly about the rhythm of connection and separation. The brief "disappearance" of the parent creates a manageable stress, followed by the joy of reunion, building the infant's capacity to handle future separations with resilience.
- Through play, children learn how to take turns, negotiate rules, handle winning and losing, and repair relationships after conflicts. A toddler learning to share toys experiences discord that becomes the foundation for future compromise

on work:
- Another game we all need to play is when we start a new job and have to learn the unwritten rules of a workplace culture. Is humor appreciated in meetings? Are disagreements expressed openly or privately? We learn these "games" through observation and participation, not by analyzing rulebooks.
- The key insight is that we don't master these social games through intellect alone. We need what psychologists call "implicit relational knowing", an embodied understanding that becomes automatic.
- The most vibrant adult relationships maintain this element of playfulness – a willingness to explore, take risks, make mistakes, and repair. Discord isn't relationship failure; it's the playing field where we develop our most valuable skills for connection

relationship to discord:
- Trauma fundamentally distorts meaning-making: the world becomes unsafe, others untrustworthy, and the self ineffective. These beliefs create self-fulfilling prophecies in relationships unless something interrupts the pattern.
- Psychotherapy is another avenue for transformation. The therapeutic relationship creates a controlled environment where discord naturally emerges – a client might feel misunderstood, or a therapist might set a boundary. But unlike past relationships, the therapist remains present and engaged. Each repaired rupture in therapy builds new expectations about relationships. When a therapist notices a disconnection, names it, and works through it collaboratively, the client experiences repair that rewires their expectations.

[Maria · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great book, both for professionals and for anyone who wants to better understand the importance of early experiences and what good can come out of mismatches and how to repair them. I feel it was written in a palatable way for anyone to read. Love that several of the relationships in this book were queer instead of the usual heteronormative stuff. I will say sometimes it was a bit repetitive but that helps you absorb what the purposes of the book are.

[jasmine ⟡]

➶ ｡˚ || [ DNF ] at 64% +˚｡
✎__
yeah i don't think i'm ever gonna come back to this one sorry 😭 + my libby auto-unborrowed it for me cus i took too long l o l
really insightful themes and message about how "mismatch and repair" constitutes a better relationship but i just couldn't bring myself to finish esp since once i got the gist once that seemed to be repeated for the entire rest of the book using the same stillface paradigm experiment thingy and
while i feel like the stuff i got from this book was good i'm not missing out on anything by dnfing?

[Scribe Publications]

This profoundly wise book sets out how the dance of connection and disconnection with attachment figures molds our nervous system, our emotional lives, our sense of self, and our ability to dance in tune with others. When we miss each other is when we truly learn to turn, reach, and connect. There are no slick tips for perfect relationships with your kids or lovers here. Just a deep understanding of how the imperfections of life and love can make us strong.
Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight

In this fabulous book, which everyone must own, Ed Tronick and Claudia Gold give all of us a scientifically-based compass for negotiating the messiness of social interaction. Rather than searching for perfection, in this book they teach us that it is the messiness and the mistakes we inevitably make as parents, friends, and lovers, and the repair of our mistakes that really matters. For in repair we ‘co-create a new meaning,’ and relationships thrive and proceed, full of life and good enough. Get this book!
John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Lively and riveting — Human connections have the power to heal by engaging us in a new set of moment-to-moment mismatches ... as long as we are open to repair and reconnect.
Dr Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score

A brilliant overview of our contemporary relational landscape that argues that what people — both children and adults — need most is the messiness of real relationships, with their conflicts, partial resolutions, and imperfect efforts at repair. In trying to make these things work, we practice attention, connection, and listening. We practice our humanity. We learn to put technology in its place. A book for thinking and for practical action. A must-read.
Sherry Turkle, author of Alone Together: why we expect more from Technology

Our relationships with attachment figures are often innately ‘messy’ and filled with discord as mismatches rupture the attuned, resonant alignments that are possible in our relational world. The reconnection established in the mismatch-repair process illuminated in this important work enables us to develop resilience in the face of the inevitable disconnections in these important self-defining close connections in our lives. This wise book will help many to reframe such ruptures as opportunities rather than troublesome burdens, painful yet important challenges that can actually afford us the interactive reconnection experiences that serve as the foundation for flourishing in life.
Dr Daniel J. Siegel, author of Mindset, and Clinical Professor at UCLA School of Medicine

[Synthia Salomon · Rating 3 out of 5]

essential foundation for growth and connection.

The critical element is not avoiding conflict but successfully repairing disconnections, which builds trust, resilience, and relationship skills.

These repair experiences, whether in childhood or adulthood, create our capacity for self-regulation and ultimately transform inevitable conflicts into opportunities for deeper connection and personal growth.

[Tommy Keough · Rating 3 out of 5]

One of those “I get the gist” books from the jump.

Still good in a lot of ways, with a lot of really good examples that flesh out the still-face paradigm. Basically, the process of rupture and repair isn’t just unavoidable in relationship, it’s a developmental necessity. Moreover we shouldn’t agonize over the messiness of life but lean into the resilience it brings to bear. 3.5 stars.

[Edita Minik · Rating 4 out of 5]

Naujas požiūrio kampas į nesutarimus ir tarpusavio ryšio kūrimą, nutrūkimą ir atnaujinimą. Verta skaityti tiek auginantiems vaikus, tiek siekiantiems darnos visuose kituose santykiuose.

[Jung]

In "The Power of Discord", Claudia M. Gold and Edward Tronick challenge our modern tendency to avoid conflict, reframing discord as not only normal but essential to emotional development and meaningful connection. The authors—both renowned in developmental psychology—present a compelling thesis: it’s not the presence of conflict in relationships that undermines them, but the absence of repair. Drawing on decades of research and clinical insight, the book asserts that ruptures in connection, when followed by genuine repair, build intimacy, trust, and resilience. This idea fundamentally reframes our cultural assumption that healthy relationships are defined by constant harmony.

Many of us are conditioned to avoid difficult conversations and equate emotional discord with failure. We walk on eggshells around touchy subjects, bristle during disagreements, and view every argument as a sign that something is wrong. But according to the research Tronick began with his famous 'still-face' experiment in the 1970s, even the most securely attached infant-caregiver pairs are out of sync the majority of the time—about 70%. These misattunements aren’t dysfunctional; they’re natural. What distinguishes healthy relationships is not perfect connection, but the ability to repair and return to connection after a rupture.

This concept of 'repair' becomes the central theme of the book. Repair refers to the moments when we acknowledge disconnection, respond empathetically, and restore emotional balance. Whether it’s a parent soothing a crying child, a couple talking through a misunderstanding, or friends making amends after a falling out, these instances build the emotional architecture of trust and resilience. People who experience consistent repair learn that emotional pain is survivable, that relationships can withstand difficulty, and that moments of disconnection can be transformed into deeper understanding. Conversely, those who miss out on repair experiences often struggle with conflict, develop rigid emotional defenses, and may view every disagreement as a threat.

The authors explore how emotional development relies on these cycles of rupture and repair, beginning in infancy. Drawing from the work of pediatrician D.W. Winnicott, the book introduces the concept of the 'good enough mother.' In early infancy, parents respond to their babies' needs with hyper-attunement. Over time, though, they begin to 'fail' their children in small, manageable ways—arriving a little late with the bottle, missing a cue, or misinterpreting a cry. These missteps aren’t harmful; they’re vital. They create opportunities for the infant to experience frustration and, through eventual repair, begin developing emotional regulation. It’s through this gradual, imperfect dance of connection, disconnection, and reconnection that children grow into emotionally resilient adults.

Modern society, however, promotes an unrealistic standard of perfection in relationships. Social media, self-help culture, and advice industries all reinforce the idea that healthy relationships should be free of tension. This leaves people underprepared for real-life dynamics, where miscommunications and emotional friction are inevitable. Worse, it stigmatizes these moments, making people feel ashamed or anxious when things go wrong. The authors argue that this perfectionist mindset disrupts natural repair cycles, leaving individuals less capable of handling conflict in both personal and professional relationships.

One of the book’s most powerful insights is the distinction between self-control and self-regulation. Where self-control suppresses emotional responses, self-regulation allows a person to feel deeply while remaining grounded. Self-regulation is developed through countless experiences of discord and repair—it’s the nervous system’s way of learning that emotional turbulence doesn’t have to lead to breakdown. When we practice repair, we’re not just healing a momentary wound; we’re training our nervous system to handle the full range of human emotions. Over time, this leads to greater capacity for intimacy, empathy, and reflection.

The book also delves into the significance of meaning-making. Discord alone isn’t transformative—it’s what we do with it that matters. When we face conflict and can make sense of it, reflect on it, and integrate the lessons it offers, we create personal meaning. Meaning-making transforms the emotional messiness of relationships into insight. Rather than viewing a fight with a partner as a sign of incompatibility, we might begin to see it as an opportunity to understand each other’s vulnerabilities more deeply.

This process of transformation is supported by another powerful tool: play. From early childhood, play helps us learn about rules, roles, and relational repair. In peek-a-boo, for instance, infants learn about absence and return. This simple game contains the building blocks of resilience—brief distress followed by joyful reconnection. As children grow, more complex play teaches negotiation, cooperation, and conflict resolution. Adults continue to benefit from this spirit of playful experimentation in relationships. When we approach conflict with curiosity rather than defensiveness, we create space for learning and growth. The authors highlight how even serious issues—like couples disagreeing about finances—can be reframed with a playful, flexible attitude that invites collaboration rather than confrontation.

Trauma, however, can interfere with a person’s ability to engage in this process. If someone grows up in an environment where discord was either overwhelming or never repaired, their nervous system may remain stuck in survival mode. They learn that disconnection equals danger, and they carry this belief into adult relationships. But the book offers hope: healing is always possible. Programs like Stephen Wolfert’s DE-CRUIT, which uses Shakespearean theater to help veterans process trauma, demonstrate that emotional repair and regulation can be cultivated later in life. Similarly, psychotherapy provides a structured space where rupture and repair can be safely explored. A therapist’s consistent presence, even in moments of emotional rupture, can rewire expectations and create new relational blueprints.

The authors emphasize that successful repair doesn’t require grand gestures. Often, it’s as simple as naming the disconnection, expressing empathy, or offering a genuine apology. What matters is presence—the willingness to stay, to engage, and to rebuild. These small acts, repeated over time, accumulate into emotional trust. They send a powerful message: you matter, even when things go wrong.

The book concludes with a call to reframe our relationship with discord. Rather than fearing conflict or aiming for perfect harmony, we should view disconnection as a natural and even necessary part of human interaction. Every rupture, no matter how small, offers a chance for repair. And every repair builds the emotional muscles we need to thrive in relationships, weather life’s storms, and stay connected to our deepest selves.

Ultimately, "The Power of Discord" teaches that imperfection isn’t the enemy of connection—it’s the gateway. By embracing the messy, emotional dance of human relationships, we build trust not despite our flaws, but through them. Discord becomes not a threat to intimacy, but the very thing that forges it. In a world obsessed with seamless connection, this book offers a powerful, compassionate reminder: it’s not about never breaking; it’s about learning how to mend.

[Larkin Tackett · Rating 5 out of 5]

The foundation of the book is the “Still-Face Experiment” that one of the authors, psychologist Ed Tronick first conducted nearly 50 years ago. The experiment involves a baby and parent sitting facing each other. The parent starts by playing with their baby, smiling at the child, and talking to them. The parent turns away and looks back with a still face -- a blank stare without any responsiveness to their baby -- for two minutes. After the still-face portion of the experiment there is a repair when the parent returns to normal, playing with and talking to their baby. It’s so painful to watch the middle, still-face part of the experiment. The baby looks confused, tries to get the parent’s attention, gets distressed and frustrated, and then starts crying. After the still-face part of the experiment, when the parent returns to interacting with the baby, the relationship is repaired. The joy from the connection between parent and baby is clear and beautiful. The baby is quickly able to regulate its emotions once the parent is present again. While the experiment provides a ton of insights about parenting, further studies and treatments that resulted from the original experiment have been used to help a variety of relationships.

The authors write that the most important insight of the study is how we can move from unfulfilling or troubled relationships to having more connections, meaning, and growth. “The central takeaway of this book is that discord in relationships is normal,” write the authors. In fact, our sense of self, our ability to be close to others, and how we learn critical life lessons emerge from the messiness of relationships. After spending so much of my own childhood and professional career steering clear of conflict and avoiding challenging relationships, my mind was blown by the clear research and discussion in the book about the ways those conflicts and messiness make me better.

[K Hue · Rating 5 out of 5]

Brilliant! "mismatch and repair" "How do you learn to listen in a way that is open to uncertainty?" Dr Terry Brazelton could observe and listen to infants and babies because he knew the baby had something to tell him, and he recognized he did not yet know what that was.

"Empathy requires knowing you know nothing." - Leslie Jamison, The Empathy Exams

"When you acknowledge what you dont know, plunging into and muddling through the limitless uncertainty, then you have the opportunity to discover creative solutions to complex problems. Staying with the unpredictability allows you to heal and grow."

"The cell phone use is not the cause of the problem but rather the result of their history of moment-to-moment interaction characterized by unrepaired mismatch--the solution to technology lies not in admonitions for limited use but in just what Sherry Turtle advocates: immersion in real face-to-face interactions."

[Michael · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’ve read a lot of relationship/attachment books, and this one unfortunately added nothing new to my understanding.

It felt extremely repetitive, constantly referencing the still face experiment, but I felt like the extended commentary added little that isn’t obvious simply from reading a summary of that experiment or watching the video.

In short, our attachment systems are sensitive and important, and rupture and repair are inevitable and important parts of relationship.

I stopped at around 60% through, so perhaps later on there is more actionable information for adults, but there wasn’t much of that in the portion I read.

[Dr. Bernard J. Baca · Rating 5 out of 5]

As an older therapist bathed in the history of object relations in the 70s and 80s, it was a joy to read this book that distilled the wisdom of the old OR and attachment theories into a coherent readable and understandable fashion. This book really made me happy with what I know without the poderourous wording of the older OR theories. Recommend it to all therapists and people who want to know how humans feel connected.

[Edita Pakalnienė · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kelios vertingos citatos:
"Šokimas ir pati muzika padeda pajusti ramybę.O reguliacija, kurią žmogus patiria mokydamasis šokti, ateina tiek iš sąveikų su partneriu, tiek iš judėjimo"
"Savireguliacija kalba apie gebėjima įsitraukti į mus supantį pasaulį ir aptirti įvairiausių emocijų nepalūžtant. Praradus artimą,reikia gedėti, išgyventi gilų liūdesį, bet išlaikyti gebėjimą funkcionuoti toliau. Panašiai yra su pykčiu,sveiku dalyku artimuose santykiuose, kuris tampa problema, jeigu įniršęs visiskai prarandi savasties ir savo partnerio jausmą."
"Savasties jausmas išauga iš sąveikų ankstyvuosiuose artimuose gimdytojo ir vaiko santykiuose. "
"Tėvai, ramiai dalyvaudami žaidime, padeda savo vaikams pasiekti kti tiek savikliovos, tiek artimumo."
"Tyrimai rodo, kad genai, siejami su impulsyvumu ir nedėmesingu elgesiu, gali pasireikšti tik tokioje aplinkoje, kuriai būdingas stresas ir neišspresti konfliktai. Santykinai be steso ir konfliktų situacijoje jie neįsijungia."
"O jei žodį kaltė pakeistume žodžiu atsakomybė? Kai prisimame atsakomybę, paprastai jaučiamės įgalinti. Tarpusavio santykiams nukrypus nuo vežių, ar tai būtų santykiai tarp gimdytojo ir vaiko, meilės partnerių, brolių ar draugų, užuot ėmę ieškoti kaltų, turėtume suprasti,kad kiekvienad poros dalyvis atlieka savo vaidmenį. Galbūt mums reikia ieškoti pagalbos ir priimti,kad savo vaidmenis galėtume atlikti kitaip"

[Christopher Edgar · Rating 3 out of 5]

A book recommended by H. Definitely think it was informative and that it has helped to create a better narrative around conflict (i.e. conflict is actually a good thing, and not something to be avoided at all costs). Perhaps the information that stuck out the most to me was at the beginning when they cited the 70:30 ratio. We are mismatched with the people around us 70% of the time and in alignment only 30% of the time. That feels like a crazy disproportionate amount in the "wrong" way. However, if mismatch, conflict, and rupture provide opportunities for repair and therefore a deeper relationship, this isn't something to be feared. An awareness of this regularly happening frees us up from aspiring to some 100% aligned experience which isn't possible and instead gives us permission to experience this mismatch, be aware of it, and look for restoration. All in all, a really challenging lesson for me personally, but one that I'm continuing to work through.

[Annie · Rating 3 out of 5]

The premise of The Power of Discord centers around the presence of tension or disagreement, and its resolution, are critical in human development and how our relationships deepen. This is a great read to reinforce how important open discussion and connection are in our lives, and very timely with the polarization in our world today.

This is great for background, especially for people who work in child development or education, and for those who are seeking to be parents or caretakers. I would like to see more on how to adapt later in life if early childhood or life changes create more challenges to overcome in a future book.

Thank you to NetGalley and Little, Brown, and Company for the ARC. All opinions are my own.

[Algert · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have had this book in my TBR for a long time for some reason. It seems I was preserving it for the right time. Here I am at the right time. Finished reading this with a sense of optimism that rarely I have felt so far.

It feel incredibly reassuring to know how good it is to repair broken relationships! It feels terribly reassuring knowing that parents, children, family and friends can cope with anything as long as there is a desire to repair rather than throwing away.

It is a beautiful book with an incredibly powerful message! The prose is simple but impactful and contains many quotes to memorize.

Recommended for people who are looking to take control of their daily lives and intend to start by healing the relationships with their dear ones!

[Patty Wood · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.75 ⭐ There was SO much good here and I will definitely re-visit. Unfortunately the writing was a bit flat for me to recommend across the board so I'd be fairly discerning in who I recommend this book to. I also think there should have been a disclaimer about how all of this goes out the window if there is abuse present because abuse it not a relationship issue and can not be tackled as such. Some people are stuck in abuse cycles thinking they're doing healthy rupture-and-repair and I wish that aspect had been discussed for safety's sake. Otherwise I loved this and felt like it touched upon so many important concepts for people who are passionate about the power of relational healing, not just for the unit but for the individual too.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

People are fascinating and sometimes hard to understand. This book helps with that. It is the book to read about being and growing in relationships. Weaving together infant - parent observational research, child development and psychoanalytic thinking in providing a framework for understanding and improving parenting, adult relationships and deepening capacity for connection and intimacy in all areas. I like that it is highly readable and accessible but doesn't oversimplify. It makes minimal use of psychobabble and lingo, and remains true to the heft of its knowledge-base without losing the lay reader. Also very well written. Excellent read!!

[Gökben Akdag · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love how well still face paradigm and it is connection with mismatch and repair explained (and its effect on our behaviours, attachment styles).

This is for sure one of the best books that you should read before having a child because it gives details on how to not be afraid of mismatch and how it helps parents to raise the children who feel more secure in their future lives.

However, I find the examples weak. Additionally, it actually does not give any insight on adult relationships (couples, friends, work, civil lives etc). For adults, it just repeats again and again “apply the same”.

[elle jay · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really enjoyed the ideas in here and it was clear and easy to read; I found the observations around being ok with being alone/alone together and empathy particularly interesting. I did find it a bit repetitive and it stopped just as I got *really* interested - in how it all plays out in the huge 'discord' evident in current politics, media and personal relationships. But it was enjoyable, and definitely worth reading.

[Nancy Garon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful book - many important findings from developmental psychology are woven into the fabric of clinical psychology. At the heart of the book, the famous still-face experiment is used to explain the complexity of human relationships. A must read for clinicians, parents, and really anyone who wants to learn about relationships.

[Megan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great book and very encouraging and hopeful. Again and again, the message of this book is that ruptures and disconnect happen and it is good and fine that they happen; just be sure to make a repair. So long as a repair follows a rupture, relationships can heal, develop, and move forward.

[Renata · Rating 3 out of 5]

Patiko knygoje pateikta žinutė, kaip nereikia bijoti nesutarimų, svarbu visuomet atitaisyti ryšį.
Čia pateikta daug eksperimentų, patirčių istorijų.
Didžiąją dalį jų sudaro iš ankstyvųjų santykių, kūdikio ir motinos, vaiko ir tėvų santykių, bet norėjosi daugiau ir iš kitų žmogaus amžiaus etapų (nors negaliu sakyti, kad jų nebuvo - buvo, bet man per mažai).

[Anna Zenchenkova · Rating 2 out of 5]

Ощущение, что перевод на русский язык был выполнен крайне непрофессионально и неточно, отчего теряется бóльшая часть смысла труда. По сути, посыл всей книги был изложен на последней ее странице, остальное - либо плохо переведенный текст, либо попытка объять необъятное, настолько масштабная тема изначально было заложена.

[Cristie Underwood · Rating 5 out of 5]

Society focuses on perfect relationships where there is little to no strain or stress. The author of this book lays out the case for how imperfect relationships actually give us skills that we need to learn and grow. I found this to be a really interesting approach and a great read!

[Courtney · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good, made me realise a lot of things about myself and my childhood, and that not having the opportunity to repair mistrust has affected me. Gets a bit repetitive with the still face experiment, but still worth reading. Had me gripped