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در کتاب کمدی الهی دانته، ویرژیل راهنمای دانته از جهنم بهسوی برزخ است. وقتی دانته با دیوار بزرگی از آتش روبهرو میشود و وحشت میکند، ویرژیل به او میگوید: «انتخاب دیگری نداری. این آتشی است که میسوزاند، اما از بین نمیبرد.» ولی دانته همچنان میترسد. ویرژیل ترس او را حس میکند، دست روی شانهاش میگذارد و تکرار میکند: «انتخاب دیگری نداری.» دانته نیز عزم خود را جزم میکند و وارد میشود.
همهی کسانیکه زندگی میکنند با این دیوار آتش روبهرو خواهند شد. این کتاب هم مانند ویرژیل راهنمای دوزخ بهسوی دیوار آتش است و هریک از ما باید بهتنهایی عبور کنیم. بعداز آن دیوار نیز خودمان راهنمای خودمان میشویم. این کتاب نیز مثل ویرژیل راهی به ما نشان میدهد؛ نه تنها راهحل ممکن، اما حداقل یک «راهحل». او برای کسانیکه در آشفتگیِ دیوانهوار اندوه به سر میبرند چیزهایی عرضه میکند تا بتوانند به آنها متوسل شوند. عشقورزیدن و ازدستدادن و همراهیکردنِ یکدیگر کاری شجاعانه است. مهم نیست که مسیر چقدر طولانی است؛ این کتاب راهنمای شماست. اگر غم به سینهی شما چنگ میزند، این کتاب برای شماست. این کتاب کمکتان میکند آنچه را که باید به دوش بکشید به دوش بکشید و در این سفر کمتر از قبل تنها بمانید.
همهی کسانیکه زندگی میکنند با این دیوار آتش روبهرو خواهند شد. این کتاب هم مانند ویرژیل راهنمای دوزخ بهسوی دیوار آتش است و هریک از ما باید بهتنهایی عبور کنیم. بعداز آن دیوار نیز خودمان راهنمای خودمان میشویم. این کتاب نیز مثل ویرژیل راهی به ما نشان میدهد؛ نه تنها راهحل ممکن، اما حداقل یک «راهحل». او برای کسانیکه در آشفتگیِ دیوانهوار اندوه به سر میبرند چیزهایی عرضه میکند تا بتوانند به آنها متوسل شوند. عشقورزیدن و ازدستدادن و همراهیکردنِ یکدیگر کاری شجاعانه است. مهم نیست که مسیر چقدر طولانی است؛ این کتاب راهنمای شماست. اگر غم به سینهی شما چنگ میزند، این کتاب برای شماست. این کتاب کمکتان میکند آنچه را که باید به دوش بکشید به دوش بکشید و در این سفر کمتر از قبل تنها بمانید.
240 pages, Paperback
First published October 1, 2017
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24104 people want to read
About the author
Megan Devine
12 books381 followersMegan Devine is the author of the book It's OK that You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture that Doesn't Understand.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 2,042 reviews
May 10, 2018
This is hands-down the best book on grief I've found, and I've been looking for a good many years now.
Megan Devine introduces the topic by telling readers that she had been a therapist/grief counselor, giving her clients the standard advice about "getting past" grief, "moving on," "finding closure," etc. Then her fiance died, and she discovered that none of that was helpful.
This book contains the wisdom she's gained after ten years of living with grief; trying to figure out why so much of our cultural reaction to death and grief is not only not helpful but actually hurtful and harmful to mourners; and starting her own website to let people share their stories of loss and find validation, and really listening to what people say there.
This book treats everyone, both mourners and the often clueless and lost friends who'd like to help but don't know how, with great kindness and empathy. It helps the grief-stricken cope with well-meaning attempts to "fix" them, and points out that death isn't fixable. You don't "move on" after the death of someone important and irreplaceable. You just keep moving.
It also has some really helpful advice about coping with the cognitive issues posed by grief, when a person's brain is occupied with trying to reorganize a world that no longer makes sense, and dealing with the often crippling anxiety that follows a loss.
I strongly recommend this to anyone who is currently or has ever been in mourning. It's not an easy read -- it acknowledges and touches all the sore spots, very gently, but they're still sensitive, and I found myself crying a lot -- but that acknowledgement and understanding flow off every page like a soft, warm blanket.
I also recommend this to everyone, because at some point you or someone you love will be bereaved, and the information in this book is worth knowing ahead of time. It won't help with the pain, but it will help with caring for yourself or that other person.
Thank you, Megan Devine, for being so thoughtful, and for sharing your pain and your ongoing journey on this road which no one wants to walk, but which is nevertheless crowded with people who need the comforting you offer.
Megan Devine introduces the topic by telling readers that she had been a therapist/grief counselor, giving her clients the standard advice about "getting past" grief, "moving on," "finding closure," etc. Then her fiance died, and she discovered that none of that was helpful.
This book contains the wisdom she's gained after ten years of living with grief; trying to figure out why so much of our cultural reaction to death and grief is not only not helpful but actually hurtful and harmful to mourners; and starting her own website to let people share their stories of loss and find validation, and really listening to what people say there.
This book treats everyone, both mourners and the often clueless and lost friends who'd like to help but don't know how, with great kindness and empathy. It helps the grief-stricken cope with well-meaning attempts to "fix" them, and points out that death isn't fixable. You don't "move on" after the death of someone important and irreplaceable. You just keep moving.
It also has some really helpful advice about coping with the cognitive issues posed by grief, when a person's brain is occupied with trying to reorganize a world that no longer makes sense, and dealing with the often crippling anxiety that follows a loss.
I strongly recommend this to anyone who is currently or has ever been in mourning. It's not an easy read -- it acknowledges and touches all the sore spots, very gently, but they're still sensitive, and I found myself crying a lot -- but that acknowledgement and understanding flow off every page like a soft, warm blanket.
I also recommend this to everyone, because at some point you or someone you love will be bereaved, and the information in this book is worth knowing ahead of time. It won't help with the pain, but it will help with caring for yourself or that other person.
Thank you, Megan Devine, for being so thoughtful, and for sharing your pain and your ongoing journey on this road which no one wants to walk, but which is nevertheless crowded with people who need the comforting you offer.
December 17, 2020
بیشتر از ده خط دربارهی احساسم نسبت به این کتاب نوشتم ولی دیدم اینجا گذاشتنش خیلی لوس میشه.
بنابراین خلاصه میگم:
از سارا قندی خیلی ممنونم که کتاب رو برام فرستاد و پیگیر حالم بود. ماچ بهش.
غم فقدان هیچوقت تموم نمیشه، حتی شکلش عوض نمیشه، فقط باید به دوش بکشیش. این داستان هرگز پایانش خوش نبوده.
وقتی کسی که سوگواره، به هر دلیل، و از غصه هاش حرف میزنه، هرجایی، دم دستی ترین تعبیر ازش جلب توجهه. شایدم واقعا داره جلب توجه میکنه، ولی اغلب مواقع به کمک جدی احتیاج داره. قضاوتش نکنید لطفا. بهش انگ نزنید. سوالای احمقانه مثل اینکه "مگه چیشده" ازش نپرسید. فقط بهش گوش کنید لطفا. حتی تظاهر نکنید که درکش میکنید. ولی می تونید تظاهر کنید که گوش میکنید.
همین دیگه :))
.......
کتاب خیلی خوبیه در کل
بنابراین خلاصه میگم:
از سارا قندی خیلی ممنونم که کتاب رو برام فرستاد و پیگیر حالم بود. ماچ بهش.
غم فقدان هیچوقت تموم نمیشه، حتی شکلش عوض نمیشه، فقط باید به دوش بکشیش. این داستان هرگز پایانش خوش نبوده.
وقتی کسی که سوگواره، به هر دلیل، و از غصه هاش حرف میزنه، هرجایی، دم دستی ترین تعبیر ازش جلب توجهه. شایدم واقعا داره جلب توجه میکنه، ولی اغلب مواقع به کمک جدی احتیاج داره. قضاوتش نکنید لطفا. بهش انگ نزنید. سوالای احمقانه مثل اینکه "مگه چیشده" ازش نپرسید. فقط بهش گوش کنید لطفا. حتی تظاهر نکنید که درکش میکنید. ولی می تونید تظاهر کنید که گوش میکنید.
همین دیگه :))
.......
کتاب خیلی خوبیه در کل
January 23, 2021
A great book I would recommend to those who are in the process of grieving, want to support a loved one who’s grieving, or who desire to learn more about grief overall. The main highlights of this book include what to say and what not to say to those in the grieving process. Megan Devine writes well about how because we often feel uncomfortable around other people’s pain, we are quick to make well-intentioned yet unhelpful and hurtful statements like “[insert loved one] is in a better place” or “at least you had them for as long as you did.” Devine draws upon her own experience of grief and her work with clients and community members to emphasize how instead of trying to reduce or end the painful emotions related to grief, we can work to honor and make space for those emotions instead. She also offers practical suggestions related to coping with stress and anxiety that may stem from grief.
I give this book four instead of five stars for two reasons. I will say that I so appreciate Devine’s vulnerability and her psychological insight in this book. For example, she writes about how while people can come to cultivate meaning from painful events in their lives, no one should try to force them into that process before they feel ready – an insight that feels relevant to a painful event in my life right now. However, there were some passages where I almost felt like Devine’s writing came across as imprecise. For example, this paragraph:
“Our rampant avoidance of feeling-with-each-other requires us to distance ourselves from environmental devastation, from human suffering, from child abuse and sex trafficking, from global wars, from hate crimes of all kinds. When we do see suffering, we throw ourselves into outrage, rather than collapse into grief. Activist and author Joanna Macy speaks of the unrecognized, and unwelcome, pain in the hearts of most activists. It’s as if we are afraid the full force of our sadness would render us mute, powerless, and unable to go on. That unacknowledged pain results in burnout, disconnection, and a distinct lack of empathy for others who hold seemingly opposing views.”
When I read this paragraph I was like wait what just happened? I felt like a lot of generalizations were made in this paragraph without any real substantiation. Like yes, I imagine some people who avoid their feelings also avoid reflecting on topics like global wars and child abuse, however, I also know a ton of people – and can point to research – that shows how some people who are most in touch with their feelings commit themselves to fighting these types of injustices because they’ve found deep meaning through processing their pain. Furthermore, she states that unacknowledged pain results in a distinct lack of empathy for people with opposing views. While this relationship between lack of empathy and tolerating opposing views may be true sometimes, I also think that’s a huge and unmerited generalization. For example, I consider myself a pretty empathetic person (like, I’m a therapist, though I recognize not all therapists are empathetic, I think most of us are, but anyway) and I really do not tolerate views that promote white supremacy, homophobia, misogyny, imperialism, etc. I do not tolerate those views because I detest oppression and love social justice, not because I lack empathy. So some of these more throwaway phrases or paragraphs bothered me a little bit, though not enough that I’d avoid recommending this book to people who may enjoy it or benefit from reading it.
I also wondered if Devine could have dedicated more space to exploring or naming how other cultures process grief. While she names that the Western world kinda sucks at it, she does not highlight any alternatives. For example, I’m aware that Native culture integrates grief into their daily existence in much more healthful, unrepressed ways. Still, I’m glad that Devine’s book may shift or expand how we talk about grief, to promote more compassion and emotional awareness.
I give this book four instead of five stars for two reasons. I will say that I so appreciate Devine’s vulnerability and her psychological insight in this book. For example, she writes about how while people can come to cultivate meaning from painful events in their lives, no one should try to force them into that process before they feel ready – an insight that feels relevant to a painful event in my life right now. However, there were some passages where I almost felt like Devine’s writing came across as imprecise. For example, this paragraph:
“Our rampant avoidance of feeling-with-each-other requires us to distance ourselves from environmental devastation, from human suffering, from child abuse and sex trafficking, from global wars, from hate crimes of all kinds. When we do see suffering, we throw ourselves into outrage, rather than collapse into grief. Activist and author Joanna Macy speaks of the unrecognized, and unwelcome, pain in the hearts of most activists. It’s as if we are afraid the full force of our sadness would render us mute, powerless, and unable to go on. That unacknowledged pain results in burnout, disconnection, and a distinct lack of empathy for others who hold seemingly opposing views.”
When I read this paragraph I was like wait what just happened? I felt like a lot of generalizations were made in this paragraph without any real substantiation. Like yes, I imagine some people who avoid their feelings also avoid reflecting on topics like global wars and child abuse, however, I also know a ton of people – and can point to research – that shows how some people who are most in touch with their feelings commit themselves to fighting these types of injustices because they’ve found deep meaning through processing their pain. Furthermore, she states that unacknowledged pain results in a distinct lack of empathy for people with opposing views. While this relationship between lack of empathy and tolerating opposing views may be true sometimes, I also think that’s a huge and unmerited generalization. For example, I consider myself a pretty empathetic person (like, I’m a therapist, though I recognize not all therapists are empathetic, I think most of us are, but anyway) and I really do not tolerate views that promote white supremacy, homophobia, misogyny, imperialism, etc. I do not tolerate those views because I detest oppression and love social justice, not because I lack empathy. So some of these more throwaway phrases or paragraphs bothered me a little bit, though not enough that I’d avoid recommending this book to people who may enjoy it or benefit from reading it.
I also wondered if Devine could have dedicated more space to exploring or naming how other cultures process grief. While she names that the Western world kinda sucks at it, she does not highlight any alternatives. For example, I’m aware that Native culture integrates grief into their daily existence in much more healthful, unrepressed ways. Still, I’m glad that Devine’s book may shift or expand how we talk about grief, to promote more compassion and emotional awareness.
June 28, 2019
This was a helpful and comforting book in many ways, but I have to admit I was really offended by Devine’s grief hierarchy in the beginning. This is a book for people experiencing grief so why exclude people who don’t fit her definition of deserving to grieve? I completely agree that out-of-order deaths must be the most intense. But her assumption is that sudden, accidental deaths of young people (like that of her boyfriend) are uniquely hard to process, and the book reads almost more like a memoir at times. My heart goes out to her, and I have no doubt that she is in so much pain over her loss. But I am here to tell you that the long, drawn-out death of a parent can also leave your whole world turned upside down. My mom was a fit and youthful 60 when she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. (Both her parents are alive and well, so I guess this was technically an out-of-order death, for them.) We had grand plans. She had every expectation of living decades longer. When she died last year the emotions were so complicated. Watching her die was at once a horrible nightmare and a relief to see the end of her suffering—I felt so much guilt for feeling relieved, and so much anguish over the many wrong things I had said and all the things left unsaid. My dad’s grief is still overwhelming, over a year later. I am sadder today than I was last year. Although my memory loss and other bizarre physical side effects have lessened, I still can’t sleep. I will never be the same.
I appreciate that this book tells me it’s okay that I am not okay. I agree with Megan Devine that “this JUST happened.” (She says any time in the first two years or so, it’ll feel like the loss is very recent.)
I also appreciate that this book has a LOT of advice for people who are supporting a grieving person. I wish those people would read it, but at least those of us who have experienced grief will have some tools for helping our loved ones who go through it later on. Our society is horrible at dealing with grief and it’s wonderful to have people like Megan Devine who are telling the truth about it. At my mom’s memorial last summer, people said the strangest things to me. One woman berated me because my mom never announced her cancer on Facebook. “I would have come to visit your mom, or at least checked in with her, if I’d known!” Well, lady, let it be a lesson to you: either you care about people and check in with them from time to time, or you don’t and it shows. Many people wanted details about her illness and about her risk factors (she had none of them by the way; no family history of cancer and no other known risk factors). People love to place blame so they can reassure themselves that it won’t happen to them. Guess what? Shit happens! Those of us who have experienced loss understand that. It can happen at any moment. Magical thinking will not change it. Nothing happens “for a reason.” You just live and do your best to cope.
I think Devine’s grief hierarchy comes from her own unfortunate experience of people assuming she should “just move on” because it was “just” her boyfriend who died; they weren’t married and didn’t have kids so people were less sympathetic, perhaps. It’s not fair to her that people treated her that way. I have friends who were similarly expected not to need to grieve a loss, and I know it can really add layers of devastation to the experience. Again, I really feel for her. But I wish she hadn’t focused so much on accidental deaths because it felt like the rest of us, experiencing “expected” deaths, should just move on already.
I appreciate that this book tells me it’s okay that I am not okay. I agree with Megan Devine that “this JUST happened.” (She says any time in the first two years or so, it’ll feel like the loss is very recent.)
I also appreciate that this book has a LOT of advice for people who are supporting a grieving person. I wish those people would read it, but at least those of us who have experienced grief will have some tools for helping our loved ones who go through it later on. Our society is horrible at dealing with grief and it’s wonderful to have people like Megan Devine who are telling the truth about it. At my mom’s memorial last summer, people said the strangest things to me. One woman berated me because my mom never announced her cancer on Facebook. “I would have come to visit your mom, or at least checked in with her, if I’d known!” Well, lady, let it be a lesson to you: either you care about people and check in with them from time to time, or you don’t and it shows. Many people wanted details about her illness and about her risk factors (she had none of them by the way; no family history of cancer and no other known risk factors). People love to place blame so they can reassure themselves that it won’t happen to them. Guess what? Shit happens! Those of us who have experienced loss understand that. It can happen at any moment. Magical thinking will not change it. Nothing happens “for a reason.” You just live and do your best to cope.
I think Devine’s grief hierarchy comes from her own unfortunate experience of people assuming she should “just move on” because it was “just” her boyfriend who died; they weren’t married and didn’t have kids so people were less sympathetic, perhaps. It’s not fair to her that people treated her that way. I have friends who were similarly expected not to need to grieve a loss, and I know it can really add layers of devastation to the experience. Again, I really feel for her. But I wish she hadn’t focused so much on accidental deaths because it felt like the rest of us, experiencing “expected” deaths, should just move on already.
September 28, 2017
“For those who are the stuff of other people’s nightmares” - Wow! This quote sure hits home for me. My 21 year old son killed in a tragic car accident. What do you say to a mother who’s lost her son? Fear takes over in the people around you because they know it could happen to them, and they don’t want to think about that, it’s too painful. So the platitudes and “fixing” begins - or - they slowly disappear.
Megan Devine’s book is powerful, honest, and necessary in this culture that doesn’t understand or know how to tend to grief. “Our culture sees grief as a kind of malady; a terrifying, messy emotion that needs to be cleaned up and put behind us as soon as possible”(intro xvii)
We will all experience grief at some point in our lives. This book is essential for those who are experiencing deep grief and the way we help and support others who have endured loss. If you want to love better, read this book.
Thank you, Megan Devine...for giving me the permission to feel what I feel, unapologetically.
Megan Devine’s book is powerful, honest, and necessary in this culture that doesn’t understand or know how to tend to grief. “Our culture sees grief as a kind of malady; a terrifying, messy emotion that needs to be cleaned up and put behind us as soon as possible”(intro xvii)
We will all experience grief at some point in our lives. This book is essential for those who are experiencing deep grief and the way we help and support others who have endured loss. If you want to love better, read this book.
Thank you, Megan Devine...for giving me the permission to feel what I feel, unapologetically.
Read
July 20, 2025YES YES YES to every word of this book. Incredible.
June 22, 2018
DNF
Looks like I’m In the monority because I couldn’t even make myself finish it.
Yes-I’m sorry for what she went through. Yes, people say stupid things when someone dies, no, you don’t just “get over it”.
I’ve been on both sides-we all have. One day you’re saying the stupid things, next day you’re hearing them said to you. Most people in grief do realize that others are trying to show they care when they say these things. And are just grateful for your presence. This book made me paranoid I can never say the right thing-no matter what I say is a cliche, has a hidden psychological meaning, or is in some other way wrong. Yet if I say nothing, I’m avoiding my own fears about “it could happen to me” and that’s wrong too. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
The first about 30 pages or more could have been summed up as “grief sucks”-but it’s said over and over in many ways. Ok, we get it.
As one who’s been there, I disagree that it doesn’t get better. You don’t wake up one day and say “oh yes, today I feel ok about it!” and happily move on. But, you can move through it and find meaning in life. It’ll always be part of you, but you can keep going.
If I thought I would’ve been as miserable forever as she constantly repeats, I’d be even more depressed. We need hope or what is the point of life?
The part about religion and it being basically a crutch to avoid fear of death was what finally made me stop reading. That God is capricious and decides who lives and dies. Who are we to know the mind of God? Very offensive to those who do believe.
And yes you’re always grieving but if you’re acting the same in 10 years after as you did 10 days, yeah, something IS wrong and you need help.
Kubler Ross’s “On Grief and Grieving” is MUCH better.
Looks like I’m In the monority because I couldn’t even make myself finish it.
Yes-I’m sorry for what she went through. Yes, people say stupid things when someone dies, no, you don’t just “get over it”.
I’ve been on both sides-we all have. One day you’re saying the stupid things, next day you’re hearing them said to you. Most people in grief do realize that others are trying to show they care when they say these things. And are just grateful for your presence. This book made me paranoid I can never say the right thing-no matter what I say is a cliche, has a hidden psychological meaning, or is in some other way wrong. Yet if I say nothing, I’m avoiding my own fears about “it could happen to me” and that’s wrong too. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.
The first about 30 pages or more could have been summed up as “grief sucks”-but it’s said over and over in many ways. Ok, we get it.
As one who’s been there, I disagree that it doesn’t get better. You don’t wake up one day and say “oh yes, today I feel ok about it!” and happily move on. But, you can move through it and find meaning in life. It’ll always be part of you, but you can keep going.
If I thought I would’ve been as miserable forever as she constantly repeats, I’d be even more depressed. We need hope or what is the point of life?
The part about religion and it being basically a crutch to avoid fear of death was what finally made me stop reading. That God is capricious and decides who lives and dies. Who are we to know the mind of God? Very offensive to those who do believe.
And yes you’re always grieving but if you’re acting the same in 10 years after as you did 10 days, yeah, something IS wrong and you need help.
Kubler Ross’s “On Grief and Grieving” is MUCH better.
November 23, 2022
The author of this book tries to share her expertise on grief in a new authentic way, a more relatable and accurate way. She insists a lot on her position telling us that grief is not something to be fixed, it is not a terrible event that you need to overcome in order to get back to a normal life.
Devine explains how grief is an unique experience and needs to be « dealt » with your own way. Although she makes a tremendous amount of valid points in this book, it felt just fine for me.
This is best suited for people dealing with grief themself or someone who is trying to get ressources on how to help/support a grieving person.
3.5 ⭐️
Devine explains how grief is an unique experience and needs to be « dealt » with your own way. Although she makes a tremendous amount of valid points in this book, it felt just fine for me.
This is best suited for people dealing with grief themself or someone who is trying to get ressources on how to help/support a grieving person.
3.5 ⭐️
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November 16, 2020 درست دو روز بعد از نوشتن ریویو مرشد و مارگاریتا مادربزرگم آسمانی شد، حالا قراره این کتاب به کمکم بیاد. امیدوارم ...
August 23, 2022
"What cannot be fixed, can only be carried"
This is a classic case of one star reviews selling me a book.
I lost my 30 year old sister in January 2022. My most loved human. A full decade younger than me.
I didn't want to read a grief book, I didn't want to read that things happen for a reason, that God has a plan. Plus most grief books are focused on the natural order of things which isn't the case here.
There's a ton of one star reviews for this book. People feel belittled that their grief doesn't count because their grandparents died. No one should feel belittled in grief, ever, but this book definitely isn't for you.
I had 11 months between losing my Nan and my Sister and they feel very different to me so I knew I had to try to read this.
Finding this book which is solely focused on out of order deaths has helped. It hasn't made things easier, my grief is still the heavy immovable object it was before, but I feel seen, understood.
Megan spoke my language and I know I will reread chapters again over the course of my life. Grief is love and love lasts forever.
It's OK that I'm not OK.
Recommended for those who are dealing with a loss outside of the natural order of things. This is also a great resource for anyone in the supporting role of an out of order death.
This is a classic case of one star reviews selling me a book.
I lost my 30 year old sister in January 2022. My most loved human. A full decade younger than me.
I didn't want to read a grief book, I didn't want to read that things happen for a reason, that God has a plan. Plus most grief books are focused on the natural order of things which isn't the case here.
There's a ton of one star reviews for this book. People feel belittled that their grief doesn't count because their grandparents died. No one should feel belittled in grief, ever, but this book definitely isn't for you.
I had 11 months between losing my Nan and my Sister and they feel very different to me so I knew I had to try to read this.
Finding this book which is solely focused on out of order deaths has helped. It hasn't made things easier, my grief is still the heavy immovable object it was before, but I feel seen, understood.
Megan spoke my language and I know I will reread chapters again over the course of my life. Grief is love and love lasts forever.
It's OK that I'm not OK.
Recommended for those who are dealing with a loss outside of the natural order of things. This is also a great resource for anyone in the supporting role of an out of order death.
August 13, 2021
یازده سال از بزرگترین، بدترین و وحشتانک ترین اتفاقی که برام افتاد و مامانمو از دست دادم، میگذره.. خیلی وقتا با خودم فکر میکردم که واقعا این طبیعیه که من هنوز خیلی چیزا از ذهنم نرفته، برام تازگی دارن، هنوز باهاش صحبت میکنم و... ولی حالا که این کتابو خوندم میفهمم که واقعا مثل اینکه خیلی از این احساساتی که تو این مدت داشتم طبیعیه و خیلیا مثل منو تجربه کردن
"سوگ هیچ وقت تموم نمیشه بلکه باید اونو به دوش بکشیم"
این کلیدی ترین جمله ای بود که بارها تو این کتاب بهش برخوردم
پ ن: اگه واقعا اونقدر خوشبختین که همچین درد و سوگی رو تجربه نکردین، بازم توصیه میکنم بخونین تا شاید بتونین به بقیه دوستاتون تو این شرایط کمک کنین!
"سوگ هیچ وقت تموم نمیشه بلکه باید اونو به دوش بکشیم"
این کلیدی ترین جمله ای بود که بارها تو این کتاب بهش برخوردم
پ ن: اگه واقعا اونقدر خوشبختین که همچین درد و سوگی رو تجربه نکردین، بازم توصیه میکنم بخونین تا شاید بتونین به بقیه دوستاتون تو این شرایط کمک کنین!
February 16, 2025
“Grief is not a sign that you’re unwell or unevolved. It’s a sign that love has been part of your life, and that you want love to continue, even here.”
Within a month of each other, 2 of my best friend’s husbands passed away. Both had been fighting debilitating dis-ease for a while, but were tremendous fighters and not of the mindset that their end would be any time soon. But dis-ease doesn’t play fair all the time, or have a ready-made cure available; so, the loss of their partners was devastating for both of them. Even if it was expected.
As their good friend, what could I say or do to help make their world feel a little more safe, or secure, or less alone?
“Above all else, I’d want you to feel your loss is validated. Accepted. I hear you. I bow to you.” – Grace, student
This book helps those through their loss with ready-made advice that is practical, thoughtful, heart-opening and understanding; and, meaningful. It also helps those who are close to the person who is experiencing the heartbreak of loss, to know how to be there for them. As an example, this book tells us that it is ok to just sit with the person. Sometimes there are no words.
“The reality of grief is far different from what others see from the outside. There is pain in this world that you can't be cheered out of. You don't need solutions. You don't need to move on from your grief. You need someone to see your grief, to acknowledge it. You need someone to hold your hands while you stand there in blinking horror, staring at the hole that was your life. Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.”
Let’s repeat that line…
“Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.”
When we consider what the author shares here, we recognize that as their friend/partner/close relative, we can be witness to what is going on and be a place of hope to help the person to survive their loss. Not with platitudes, but with a recognition of what they are experiencing, by showing care, love and support.
“I wish this for you: to find the people you belong with, the ones who will see your pain, companion you, hold you close, even as the heavy lifting of grief is yours alone. As hard as they may seem to find at times, your community is out there. Look for them. Collect them. Knit them into a vast flotilla of light that can hold you.”
There are 16 chapters that offer guidance with a way forward – for both the grieving individual and the person who is there to support them. Along with an Appendix titled “How to help a grieving friend.”
Of the 11 guiding principles, for how to help a grieving friend, #11: Love, stood out.
“Above all, show your love. Show up. Say something. Do something. Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend’s life, without flinching or turning away. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. Be present. Be a friend. Be love. Love is the thing that lasts.”
I needed to repeat this line, too…
“Be love. Love is the thing that lasts.”
Throughout the book the author provides exercises, thoughtful quotes from others, guidance and activities that can help.
This would make an excellent resource for anyone who is grieving or wants to be present for the person who is grieving a loss.
Within a month of each other, 2 of my best friend’s husbands passed away. Both had been fighting debilitating dis-ease for a while, but were tremendous fighters and not of the mindset that their end would be any time soon. But dis-ease doesn’t play fair all the time, or have a ready-made cure available; so, the loss of their partners was devastating for both of them. Even if it was expected.
As their good friend, what could I say or do to help make their world feel a little more safe, or secure, or less alone?
“Above all else, I’d want you to feel your loss is validated. Accepted. I hear you. I bow to you.” – Grace, student
This book helps those through their loss with ready-made advice that is practical, thoughtful, heart-opening and understanding; and, meaningful. It also helps those who are close to the person who is experiencing the heartbreak of loss, to know how to be there for them. As an example, this book tells us that it is ok to just sit with the person. Sometimes there are no words.
“The reality of grief is far different from what others see from the outside. There is pain in this world that you can't be cheered out of. You don't need solutions. You don't need to move on from your grief. You need someone to see your grief, to acknowledge it. You need someone to hold your hands while you stand there in blinking horror, staring at the hole that was your life. Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.”
Let’s repeat that line…
“Some things cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.”
When we consider what the author shares here, we recognize that as their friend/partner/close relative, we can be witness to what is going on and be a place of hope to help the person to survive their loss. Not with platitudes, but with a recognition of what they are experiencing, by showing care, love and support.
“I wish this for you: to find the people you belong with, the ones who will see your pain, companion you, hold you close, even as the heavy lifting of grief is yours alone. As hard as they may seem to find at times, your community is out there. Look for them. Collect them. Knit them into a vast flotilla of light that can hold you.”
There are 16 chapters that offer guidance with a way forward – for both the grieving individual and the person who is there to support them. Along with an Appendix titled “How to help a grieving friend.”
Of the 11 guiding principles, for how to help a grieving friend, #11: Love, stood out.
“Above all, show your love. Show up. Say something. Do something. Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend’s life, without flinching or turning away. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. Be present. Be a friend. Be love. Love is the thing that lasts.”
I needed to repeat this line, too…
“Be love. Love is the thing that lasts.”
Throughout the book the author provides exercises, thoughtful quotes from others, guidance and activities that can help.
This would make an excellent resource for anyone who is grieving or wants to be present for the person who is grieving a loss.
February 16, 2021
مگان دیواین اوایل کتاب نوشته: «این کتاب درباره نحوه زندگی کردن شما درون فقدانتان است. اینکه چطور آنچه بر دوش میکشید بهبودپذیر نیست. اینکه چطور دوام بیاورید.»
فکر میکنم این جمله توصیف خوبی از محتوای کتاب ارائه میده. اینکه سوگ رو به شکل یه مشکل نبینیم که باید حلش کنیم. با خودمون مهربون باشیم و اجازه بدیم سوگ رو به شیوهی خاص خودمون تجربه کنیم و باهاش کنار بیایم.
به نظرم این کتاب رو بهتره همهی افراد سوگوار یا کسانی که دوست دارن بدونن با کسی که سوگواره چطور رفتار کنن بخون.
تنها نکتهی منفی کتاب این بود که یه جاهایی حرفاشو تکرار میکرد. ترجمه هم متوسط بود.
اگر دوست داشتین، پست من که برداشت آزاد از همین کتاب بوده رو توی اینستاگرام بخونید:
چگونه به کسی که سوگوار است کمک کنیم
--------------------
یادگاری از کتاب:
بیشتر مردم سوگ را مشکلی میبینند که باید حل شود. خانواده و دوستانتان شما را در درد میبینند و میخواهند درد شما را تسکین دهند.
...
فقدان درست مثل عشق منفرد است.
...
هر فقدانی معتبر است ولی با دیگری یکسان نیست.
...
«همه چیزهایی را که در مدرسه یا کلیسا یا هر کتابی به شما گفته شده است دوباره بررسی کنید و هر آنچه را که به روح شما بیاحترامی میکند رها سازید.»
والت ویتمن
...
وقتی در حال رشدیم، تنها انتخابی که داریم این است که چطور با آسیبپذیریمان زندگی کنیم.
...
دردی که مجاز نیست گفته شود یا بیان شود، به خودش میپیچد و مشکلات بیشتری ایجاد میکند.
...
پاسخ درد در خود درد است. همانطور که ای. ای. کامینگز نوشت: «التیام زخم را باید در خون خود زخم یافت.»
...
بهتر است کفش بپوشیم، به جای اینکه همهی جهان را فرش کنیم.
فکر میکنم این جمله توصیف خوبی از محتوای کتاب ارائه میده. اینکه سوگ رو به شکل یه مشکل نبینیم که باید حلش کنیم. با خودمون مهربون باشیم و اجازه بدیم سوگ رو به شیوهی خاص خودمون تجربه کنیم و باهاش کنار بیایم.
به نظرم این کتاب رو بهتره همهی افراد سوگوار یا کسانی که دوست دارن بدونن با کسی که سوگواره چطور رفتار کنن بخون.
تنها نکتهی منفی کتاب این بود که یه جاهایی حرفاشو تکرار میکرد. ترجمه هم متوسط بود.
اگر دوست داشتین، پست من که برداشت آزاد از همین کتاب بوده رو توی اینستاگرام بخونید:
چگونه به کسی که سوگوار است کمک کنیم
--------------------
یادگاری از کتاب:
بیشتر مردم سوگ را مشکلی میبینند که باید حل شود. خانواده و دوستانتان شما را در درد میبینند و میخواهند درد شما را تسکین دهند.
...
فقدان درست مثل عشق منفرد است.
...
هر فقدانی معتبر است ولی با دیگری یکسان نیست.
...
«همه چیزهایی را که در مدرسه یا کلیسا یا هر کتابی به شما گفته شده است دوباره بررسی کنید و هر آنچه را که به روح شما بیاحترامی میکند رها سازید.»
والت ویتمن
...
وقتی در حال رشدیم، تنها انتخابی که داریم این است که چطور با آسیبپذیریمان زندگی کنیم.
...
دردی که مجاز نیست گفته شود یا بیان شود، به خودش میپیچد و مشکلات بیشتری ایجاد میکند.
...
پاسخ درد در خود درد است. همانطور که ای. ای. کامینگز نوشت: «التیام زخم را باید در خون خود زخم یافت.»
...
بهتر است کفش بپوشیم، به جای اینکه همهی جهان را فرش کنیم.
September 11, 2020
I don't usually review books. I also don't ever stop reading books before finishing them. I have to do both with this book.
I understand where this author is coming from. Grief sucks. There is no if, ands, or buts around that. It just totally sucks. And sometimes it is best to sit in that feeling, without focusing on getting to 'acceptance.'
But I worry about the message this book gives. You are stuck. Stay stuck. No one understands you. No therapists understand you (except the author, of course). This is your life now. Accept it. Because you might never, ever feel better again.
For some people, I can understand why this book can be helpful. Commiserating in the pain of grief can be it's own healing. For other people though, I honestly worry that this book can be damaging.
The lack of hope for growth. The blaming and anger towards others. The deep dark despair.
I am offended at the lengths she speaks about how uneducated and naive therapists are. She spends one statement acknowledging that some therapists are ok. But overall, she demeans the profession. Of course some therapists may say the wrong thing. But many, many, many therapists have dealt with their own grief and trauma; often bringing them to their own therapeutic journey and their own desire to become a therapist. Their therapeutic self-reflection and self-awareness can help their clients process grief, open their hearts to healing, and feel less alone.
One does not need to take the identity of a forever griever to handle grief 'the right way.' You can feel the anger, the depression, the frustration towards others who say the wrong thing. You can take your time feeling the pain. But you can also breathe and reflect and notice the good in others and notice your own growth. That's healthy.
I worry that this book will keep people stuck. And I worry it will deter some from seeking help from mental health professionals.
I understand where this author is coming from. Grief sucks. There is no if, ands, or buts around that. It just totally sucks. And sometimes it is best to sit in that feeling, without focusing on getting to 'acceptance.'
But I worry about the message this book gives. You are stuck. Stay stuck. No one understands you. No therapists understand you (except the author, of course). This is your life now. Accept it. Because you might never, ever feel better again.
For some people, I can understand why this book can be helpful. Commiserating in the pain of grief can be it's own healing. For other people though, I honestly worry that this book can be damaging.
The lack of hope for growth. The blaming and anger towards others. The deep dark despair.
I am offended at the lengths she speaks about how uneducated and naive therapists are. She spends one statement acknowledging that some therapists are ok. But overall, she demeans the profession. Of course some therapists may say the wrong thing. But many, many, many therapists have dealt with their own grief and trauma; often bringing them to their own therapeutic journey and their own desire to become a therapist. Their therapeutic self-reflection and self-awareness can help their clients process grief, open their hearts to healing, and feel less alone.
One does not need to take the identity of a forever griever to handle grief 'the right way.' You can feel the anger, the depression, the frustration towards others who say the wrong thing. You can take your time feeling the pain. But you can also breathe and reflect and notice the good in others and notice your own growth. That's healthy.
I worry that this book will keep people stuck. And I worry it will deter some from seeking help from mental health professionals.
November 14, 2020
کتاب عیبی ندارد اگه حالت خوش نیست دقیقا مثل اسمش داره میگه اگه شخص یا چیز مهمی در زندگیت از دست دادی و در سوگ آن هستی، عیبی نداره که عصبانی باشی، یا عیبی نداره اگه در مورد اون اتفاق دائم صحبت میکنی، و خیلی چیزای دیگه که باعث میشه آرومت کنه و انگار یکی هست که داره درکت میکنه.
چند وقت پیش مادر دوستم فوت شد و دوستم دلش نمیخواست بهش تسلیت بگن. یا دقیقا من به عنوان دوستش نمی دونستم که چه چیزی باید بهش بگم که بتونم آرومش کنم، چون هر چی میگفتم انگار تاثیری نداشت.
چندین راه حل و سبک رفتار در انتهای کتاب هست که کمک میکنه بتونی به کسی که در سوگ هست کمک کنی، ولی خیلی نیست، و بیشتر کتاب برای خود شخص سوگ دیده مناسبه که بهش بگه تمام عکس العمل هات طبیعی هست.
یه جمله از کتاب :
بعضی چیزها را نمیتوان درمان کرد، فقط باید آن ها را به دوش کشید.
چند وقت پیش مادر دوستم فوت شد و دوستم دلش نمیخواست بهش تسلیت بگن. یا دقیقا من به عنوان دوستش نمی دونستم که چه چیزی باید بهش بگم که بتونم آرومش کنم، چون هر چی میگفتم انگار تاثیری نداشت.
چندین راه حل و سبک رفتار در انتهای کتاب هست که کمک میکنه بتونی به کسی که در سوگ هست کمک کنی، ولی خیلی نیست، و بیشتر کتاب برای خود شخص سوگ دیده مناسبه که بهش بگه تمام عکس العمل هات طبیعی هست.
یه جمله از کتاب :
بعضی چیزها را نمیتوان درمان کرد، فقط باید آن ها را به دوش کشید.
September 13, 2021
این کتاب در رابطه با سوگ بینظیر بود. به دور از حرفهای کلیشه و زمان تعیین کردن برای اتمام سوگ و دستورالعملهای کلی دادن،و حتی خلاف این نوع نگاه خود سوگ رو تعریف میکنه و بعد با اشاره به اینکه قرار نیست سوگ «درمان» بشه و بناست بتونیم اون رو بر دوش بکشیم صحبتهایی میکنه. راه حلهایی برای مواقع اضطراب شدید یا برخورد با افراد دیگری ارائه میده که به نظرم منطقی و در شرایط سوگواری کاراست.
علاوه بر صحبت با فرد سوگوار، نویسنده در فصل ۱۴ توصیههایی برای چگونگی رفتار با یک فرد سوگوار میکنه که به نظرم مفید بودن. در پایان کتاب هم یک مقاله با عنوان «چطور به دوستی سوگوار کمک کنم؟» ضمیمه شده که اون هم به نظرم نکات مهمی برای همراهی و همدلی با فرد سوگوار بیان کرده بود.
کل کتاب رو میشه در همین چند جملهی نویسنده خلاصه کرد که «خیلی متاسفم که به این کتاب نیاز دارید و خیلی خوشحالم که این کتاب را میخوانید. عیبی ندارد اگر حالتان خوش نیست. بعضی چیزها حل نمیشوند فقط میتوان آنها را به دوش کشید. باشد که این کتاب کمک کند آنچه را به شما تعلق دارد بر دوش بکشید.»
علاوه بر صحبت با فرد سوگوار، نویسنده در فصل ۱۴ توصیههایی برای چگونگی رفتار با یک فرد سوگوار میکنه که به نظرم مفید بودن. در پایان کتاب هم یک مقاله با عنوان «چطور به دوستی سوگوار کمک کنم؟» ضمیمه شده که اون هم به نظرم نکات مهمی برای همراهی و همدلی با فرد سوگوار بیان کرده بود.
کل کتاب رو میشه در همین چند جملهی نویسنده خلاصه کرد که «خیلی متاسفم که به این کتاب نیاز دارید و خیلی خوشحالم که این کتاب را میخوانید. عیبی ندارد اگر حالتان خوش نیست. بعضی چیزها حل نمیشوند فقط میتوان آنها را به دوش کشید. باشد که این کتاب کمک کند آنچه را به شما تعلق دارد بر دوش بکشید.»
September 29, 2017
This is THE book to read whether you are in the throes of early grief or whether long-term grief has settled in your bones. Ms. Devine is masterful at articulating the varied and harsh realities grievers (and those who support them) face on a daily basis and then provides real tools to identify your own path forward by validating your story of devastation, of hopelessness, and of love.
Through "It's OK That You're Not OK," I learned concepts for living with the death of my daughter and how to build "a life around the edges of what will always be a vacancy." This was especially helpful for an out-of-order death experience. As Ms. Devine says, "You do not need to leave your grief behind in order to live a newly beautiful life. It’s part of you. Our aim is integration, not obliteration."
If you purchase or give only one book on grief, let it be this one.
Through "It's OK That You're Not OK," I learned concepts for living with the death of my daughter and how to build "a life around the edges of what will always be a vacancy." This was especially helpful for an out-of-order death experience. As Ms. Devine says, "You do not need to leave your grief behind in order to live a newly beautiful life. It’s part of you. Our aim is integration, not obliteration."
If you purchase or give only one book on grief, let it be this one.
July 6, 2024
این کتاب رو نخونده بودم ولی اسمش تو ذهنم پررنگ شده بود.
چند روز پیش، وقتی حالم خیلی بد بود، تو کانالم نوشتم:
از نظر روحی نیاز دارم یکی بهم بگم عیبی ندارد اگر حالت خوش" نیست."
چند دقیقه بعد کسی که اصلا نه تصور نمیکردم و نه انتظارش رو داشتم لینک هدیهی کتاب در طاقچه رو برام فرستاد.
بینهایت ازش ممنونم.
قبلا به خودش گفتم اما دوست دارم اینجا هم یادگاری بمونه.
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پ.ن:
صحبتی دربارهی کتاب ندارم جز این که خوندنش در اون شرایط کمکم کرد؛ حتی با این که هنوز خوب نیستم و اشکم دم مشکمه.
این کتاب فقط برای کسانی که سوگی رو تجربه کردند یا درگیرش هستند نیست.
خوندنش می تونه برای هرکسی سودمند باشه و احتمالا مهم ترین ویژگیش هم اینه که بهمون کمک می کنه با سوگواران بهتر و منصفانه تر برخورد کنیم.
چند روز پیش، وقتی حالم خیلی بد بود، تو کانالم نوشتم:
از نظر روحی نیاز دارم یکی بهم بگم عیبی ندارد اگر حالت خوش" نیست."
چند دقیقه بعد کسی که اصلا نه تصور نمیکردم و نه انتظارش رو داشتم لینک هدیهی کتاب در طاقچه رو برام فرستاد.
بینهایت ازش ممنونم.
قبلا به خودش گفتم اما دوست دارم اینجا هم یادگاری بمونه.
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پ.ن:
صحبتی دربارهی کتاب ندارم جز این که خوندنش در اون شرایط کمکم کرد؛ حتی با این که هنوز خوب نیستم و اشکم دم مشکمه.
این کتاب فقط برای کسانی که سوگی رو تجربه کردند یا درگیرش هستند نیست.
خوندنش می تونه برای هرکسی سودمند باشه و احتمالا مهم ترین ویژگیش هم اینه که بهمون کمک می کنه با سوگواران بهتر و منصفانه تر برخورد کنیم.
June 28, 2023
کتاب عیبیندارد اگر حالت خوشنیست
نوشتهی مگان دیواین
ترجمهی سیدهساراضرغامی و آرزو مومیوند
از نشر میلکان
نویسندهی این کتاب،
روانشناسی بوده که سالها بر اساس متد رایج این علم، با افراد سوگوار جلسات مشاوره داشته
اما غرق شدن و مرگ همسرش درست در جلوی چشمانش و هنگامی که کاری از دستش برنمیآمده،
تمام ذهنیت او را نسبت به سوگواری بهم میریزد
و نتیجهی آن، خلق این این کتاب است.
کتاب اشاره میکند که فرهنگ رایج در مقابل سوگواری چقدر ناقص و چقدر آسیبزننده به شخص سوگوار است. چقدر همه میخواهند شخص سوگوار را به سرعت، از سوگ عبور دهند و به وضعیت قبل از حادقه برگردانند و این در حالیست که سوگ و فقدان انسان را تغییر داده و هیچراهی برای بازگشت به سمت گذشته و وضعیت قبل از سوگ وجود نخواهد داشت.
کتاب به شیوههای ارتباط موثرتر با افراد سوگ که خواه ناخواه روزی ما نیز جزوشان خواهیم بود، میپردازد و توضیح میدهد که باید دست از نشان دادن سوگ و فقدان به عنوان بیماری و مشکل برداریم و نگاهی به سوگ داشته باشیم که معادل نگاهی به یک حالت طبیعی انسانیست.
به نقل از نویسنده، سوگ مثل عشق منحصر به فرد است و سوگ هیچکس شبیه دیگری نیست و از این بابت، هرکس در سوگ خویش تنهاست اما در هرحال وجود افرادی که همدردی را آموخته باشند، باعث میشود در میان سوگ، دلگرمی نیز پیدا شود.
کتاب وجود این نظر را که بعد از فقدان دو راه خواهد ماند؛ با شاد و خوشحال و موفق شدن یا تا ابد غمزده و مفلوک بودن را دور میریزد و در عوض، دست مخاطب را میگیرد و میبرد در زمین بیطرف. جایی که غم هست و شادی هم. زمین بیطرف جایی برای دوام آوردنست در زمانی که شرایط سخت میگذرد؛ برای زندگی کردن زمانی که ثانیهی بعد را نمیخواهید. جایی که هم زیبایی هست و رشد و عشق و هم درد و فقدان. مثل زمینی که دوباره حاصلخیز شده باشد؛ هرچند که آثار تخریب دیده میشود و به شکوفایی قبل نیست اما زیبایی رشد گیاه نیز در آنجا حضور دارد.
این کتاب درست مانند مجموعه جلساتتراپیای میباشد با روانشناسی بسیار ماهر که هر وقت بخواهید، میتوانید دوباره خودتان را در این جلسات بیابید.
" تضادی دوگانه در انسان بودن وجود دارد. اول اینکه هیچ کس نمی تواند به جای شما زندگی کند ( یعنی هیچ کس نمی تواند با آنچه شما باید با آن مواجه شوید روبرو شود) و هیچکس نیز قادر نیست به تنهایی از پس زندگی برآید."
" سوت امتداد طبیعی عشق است پاسخی سالم و عاقلانه به فقدان."
" اما سوگ مشکلی نیست که بخواهیم آن را حل کنیم اشتباه نیست و نمیتوانیم درستش کنیم. بیماری نیست که بتوانیم درمانش کنیم. ما فرض میکنیم اگر چیزی ناراحت کننده باشد، یعنی اشتباه است. مردم نتیجه میگیرند که سوگ بد است، زیرا دردناک است. این چیز ها زیاد به گوش میرسد. تسکین دادن درد، خلاص شدن از درد، دیدن رویای زمانی که درد وجود ندارد؛ طوری رفتار میکنیم که گویی سوگ چیزیست که باید هرچه زودتر از بین برود؛ انحرافی که به درمان نیاز دارد، نه اینکه واکنشی طبیعی به فقدان است."
" مقایسه یک سوگ با سوگی دیگر تقریباً همیشه نتیجه عکس میدهد. تجربهای از فقدان هم معنی با فقدان دیگری نیست. فقدان درست مثل عشق منفرد است. اینکه کسی فقدان یا تجربه کرده باشد، حتی اگر فقدانی بسیار مشابه شما باشد، به این معنا نیست که لزوماً شما را درک میکند."
" برای گفت و گو در مورد داستان هایی که میخواهیم درباره فقدان هایمان تعریف کنیم، زمان و مکان مشخصی وجود دارد. مطمئناً هنگامی که دنیای شما از بین رفته، یکی از زمان های مناسب نیست. وقتی دیگران داستان های سوگواری شان را تعریف میکنند احساس میکنید کسی از شما سرقت کرده است. چون چیزی از شما گرفته شده است: اهمیتِ مرکزیِ واقعیتِ فعلیِ شما."
" سوگ روشنگری ای برای چند نفر منتخب نیست هیچکس در زندگیاش به فقدانی عظیم برای تبدیل شدن به کسی که باید باشد، نیاز ندارد. جهان عادی اینگونه نیست که شما باید به چیزی تبدیل شوید. و زندگی تجربه وحشتناک به شما میدهد تا آن هدف محقق شود. برعکس زندگی کنش و واکنش است. اتفاقات در جریان اند و آنها را میپذیریم و سازگار می شویم. ما به آنچه تجربه کردهایم، واکنش نشان میدهیم که نه خوب است و نه بد. فقط وجود دارد. مسیر رو به جلو مسیر ادغام است مسیر بهبود."
" سوگ مشکلی نیست که بخواهد حل شود بلکه تجربه ایست که باید به دوش کشیده شود. کاری که باید انجام شود، پیدا کردن و دریافت حمایت و تسلی خاطر است که کمک میکند تا با واقعیت زندگی ویژگی خودتان زندگی کنید. مسیر پیشرو مسیر همراهی است نه مسیر اصلاح."
" در پایان داستان یا هر زمان دیگری همیشه درد درمان نمییابد. غلبه بر مشکلات یا تبدیل آن به نعمت شجاعت یا قهرمان بودن نیست شجاع بودن یعنی بیدار شدن از خواب در مواجهه با روزی که ترجیح میدهید از خواب بیدار نشوید. شجاع بودن یعنی حاضر بودن در قلب خود، قلبی که شکسته و به میلیونها قطعه مختلف تبدیل شده و هرگز نمی توان آن را درست کرد. شجاعت یعنی ایستادن در لبه پرتگاهی که در زندگی شخصی ایجاد شده و رو برنگرداندن از آن. پنهان نکردن ناراحتی خود زیر ماسک کوچک مثبت فکر کن شجاعت. یعنی بگذاریم درد آزاد باشد و تمام فضای مورد نیازش را اشغال کند. شجاع بودن یعنی این داستان هم وحشتناک است و هم زیبا."
" اگر خوش بینی اجباری برای سرکوب شورش جواب نمیداد، اغلب تغییر تمرکز از واقعیت فعلی به نوعی سرزمین موعود و آینده بهشتی این کار را می کرد: هرچه حالا بیشتر رنج ببرید، یعنی بعد از پاداش بزرگ تری به شما داده میشود. آزمایشی است برای اینکه معلوم شود تحت فشار چقدر می توانید خوب کار کنید."
" مکتب تفکر مثبت ما به همه ضرری وارد میکند؛ ما را به این بابت هدایت میکند که بیشتر از آنچه هستیم، عهده دار و مسئول جهانیم و ما را مسئول هر درد شکستگی نشان میدهد که متحمل میشویم. جهانی میسازد که در آن اگر پای ما را کجا بگذاریم، عواقب بدی در انتظارمان میماند. جهانی که در آن باید مراقب باشیم خدایان از تفکرات و نیت های ما ناراحت نشوند. ابزارهای آسایش و آزادی را به اجبار در انکار خودفریبی به خدمت در میآورد و باعث می شود برای افراد سوغات شعارهای بیفایده بدهیم و وعده پاداش باشکوه در آینده خیالی را جار بزنیم در حالی که درد واقعی و فعلی آنها را نادیده می گیریم."
" سوگ همانقدر نیاز به راه حل دارد که عشق دارد. نمی توانیم بر مرگ یا فقدان یا سود پیروز شویم. اینها عناصر ثابت زنده بودنند. اگر همچنان اینها را مسائلی ببینیم که باید حل شود، هرگز در عمیقترین درد هایمان به آرامش و تسلی خاطر نمیرسیم."
" ممکن است به خودتان بیایید و ببینید داستان فقدان آن را بارها و بارها تعریف کرده اید. حتی یا به ویژه به غریبه ها یا به آدم هایی که تازه ملاقات کرده اید یا شاید در ذهنتان وقایع را که به این فقدان منجر شده بارها مرور کرده اید. همه اینها عادی است. انسان ها موجوداتی داستان سرایند. به همین دلیل است که اسطوره های فرهنگی، داستان و فیلم داریم. با تعریف کردن دوباره و دوباره داستان این فقدان، انگار به دنبال پایانی جایگزین میگردیم."
" بدن هنگامی که در معرض محرک ها قرار میگیرد باید خودش را بیان کند. باید این کار را بکند. نیاز دارد. وقتی بدن و ذهن درد و تجربه میکنند ما نیاز زیستی برای بیان آن داریم دردی که مجاز نیست گفته شود یا بیان شود، به خودش میپیچد و مشکلات بیشتری را ایجاد میکند."
نوشتهی مگان دیواین
ترجمهی سیدهساراضرغامی و آرزو مومیوند
از نشر میلکان
نویسندهی این کتاب،
روانشناسی بوده که سالها بر اساس متد رایج این علم، با افراد سوگوار جلسات مشاوره داشته
اما غرق شدن و مرگ همسرش درست در جلوی چشمانش و هنگامی که کاری از دستش برنمیآمده،
تمام ذهنیت او را نسبت به سوگواری بهم میریزد
و نتیجهی آن، خلق این این کتاب است.
کتاب اشاره میکند که فرهنگ رایج در مقابل سوگواری چقدر ناقص و چقدر آسیبزننده به شخص سوگوار است. چقدر همه میخواهند شخص سوگوار را به سرعت، از سوگ عبور دهند و به وضعیت قبل از حادقه برگردانند و این در حالیست که سوگ و فقدان انسان را تغییر داده و هیچراهی برای بازگشت به سمت گذشته و وضعیت قبل از سوگ وجود نخواهد داشت.
کتاب به شیوههای ارتباط موثرتر با افراد سوگ که خواه ناخواه روزی ما نیز جزوشان خواهیم بود، میپردازد و توضیح میدهد که باید دست از نشان دادن سوگ و فقدان به عنوان بیماری و مشکل برداریم و نگاهی به سوگ داشته باشیم که معادل نگاهی به یک حالت طبیعی انسانیست.
به نقل از نویسنده، سوگ مثل عشق منحصر به فرد است و سوگ هیچکس شبیه دیگری نیست و از این بابت، هرکس در سوگ خویش تنهاست اما در هرحال وجود افرادی که همدردی را آموخته باشند، باعث میشود در میان سوگ، دلگرمی نیز پیدا شود.
کتاب وجود این نظر را که بعد از فقدان دو راه خواهد ماند؛ با شاد و خوشحال و موفق شدن یا تا ابد غمزده و مفلوک بودن را دور میریزد و در عوض، دست مخاطب را میگیرد و میبرد در زمین بیطرف. جایی که غم هست و شادی هم. زمین بیطرف جایی برای دوام آوردنست در زمانی که شرایط سخت میگذرد؛ برای زندگی کردن زمانی که ثانیهی بعد را نمیخواهید. جایی که هم زیبایی هست و رشد و عشق و هم درد و فقدان. مثل زمینی که دوباره حاصلخیز شده باشد؛ هرچند که آثار تخریب دیده میشود و به شکوفایی قبل نیست اما زیبایی رشد گیاه نیز در آنجا حضور دارد.
این کتاب درست مانند مجموعه جلساتتراپیای میباشد با روانشناسی بسیار ماهر که هر وقت بخواهید، میتوانید دوباره خودتان را در این جلسات بیابید.
" تضادی دوگانه در انسان بودن وجود دارد. اول اینکه هیچ کس نمی تواند به جای شما زندگی کند ( یعنی هیچ کس نمی تواند با آنچه شما باید با آن مواجه شوید روبرو شود) و هیچکس نیز قادر نیست به تنهایی از پس زندگی برآید."
" سوت امتداد طبیعی عشق است پاسخی سالم و عاقلانه به فقدان."
" اما سوگ مشکلی نیست که بخواهیم آن را حل کنیم اشتباه نیست و نمیتوانیم درستش کنیم. بیماری نیست که بتوانیم درمانش کنیم. ما فرض میکنیم اگر چیزی ناراحت کننده باشد، یعنی اشتباه است. مردم نتیجه میگیرند که سوگ بد است، زیرا دردناک است. این چیز ها زیاد به گوش میرسد. تسکین دادن درد، خلاص شدن از درد، دیدن رویای زمانی که درد وجود ندارد؛ طوری رفتار میکنیم که گویی سوگ چیزیست که باید هرچه زودتر از بین برود؛ انحرافی که به درمان نیاز دارد، نه اینکه واکنشی طبیعی به فقدان است."
" مقایسه یک سوگ با سوگی دیگر تقریباً همیشه نتیجه عکس میدهد. تجربهای از فقدان هم معنی با فقدان دیگری نیست. فقدان درست مثل عشق منفرد است. اینکه کسی فقدان یا تجربه کرده باشد، حتی اگر فقدانی بسیار مشابه شما باشد، به این معنا نیست که لزوماً شما را درک میکند."
" برای گفت و گو در مورد داستان هایی که میخواهیم درباره فقدان هایمان تعریف کنیم، زمان و مکان مشخصی وجود دارد. مطمئناً هنگامی که دنیای شما از بین رفته، یکی از زمان های مناسب نیست. وقتی دیگران داستان های سوگواری شان را تعریف میکنند احساس میکنید کسی از شما سرقت کرده است. چون چیزی از شما گرفته شده است: اهمیتِ مرکزیِ واقعیتِ فعلیِ شما."
" سوگ روشنگری ای برای چند نفر منتخب نیست هیچکس در زندگیاش به فقدانی عظیم برای تبدیل شدن به کسی که باید باشد، نیاز ندارد. جهان عادی اینگونه نیست که شما باید به چیزی تبدیل شوید. و زندگی تجربه وحشتناک به شما میدهد تا آن هدف محقق شود. برعکس زندگی کنش و واکنش است. اتفاقات در جریان اند و آنها را میپذیریم و سازگار می شویم. ما به آنچه تجربه کردهایم، واکنش نشان میدهیم که نه خوب است و نه بد. فقط وجود دارد. مسیر رو به جلو مسیر ادغام است مسیر بهبود."
" سوگ مشکلی نیست که بخواهد حل شود بلکه تجربه ایست که باید به دوش کشیده شود. کاری که باید انجام شود، پیدا کردن و دریافت حمایت و تسلی خاطر است که کمک میکند تا با واقعیت زندگی ویژگی خودتان زندگی کنید. مسیر پیشرو مسیر همراهی است نه مسیر اصلاح."
" در پایان داستان یا هر زمان دیگری همیشه درد درمان نمییابد. غلبه بر مشکلات یا تبدیل آن به نعمت شجاعت یا قهرمان بودن نیست شجاع بودن یعنی بیدار شدن از خواب در مواجهه با روزی که ترجیح میدهید از خواب بیدار نشوید. شجاع بودن یعنی حاضر بودن در قلب خود، قلبی که شکسته و به میلیونها قطعه مختلف تبدیل شده و هرگز نمی توان آن را درست کرد. شجاعت یعنی ایستادن در لبه پرتگاهی که در زندگی شخصی ایجاد شده و رو برنگرداندن از آن. پنهان نکردن ناراحتی خود زیر ماسک کوچک مثبت فکر کن شجاعت. یعنی بگذاریم درد آزاد باشد و تمام فضای مورد نیازش را اشغال کند. شجاع بودن یعنی این داستان هم وحشتناک است و هم زیبا."
" اگر خوش بینی اجباری برای سرکوب شورش جواب نمیداد، اغلب تغییر تمرکز از واقعیت فعلی به نوعی سرزمین موعود و آینده بهشتی این کار را می کرد: هرچه حالا بیشتر رنج ببرید، یعنی بعد از پاداش بزرگ تری به شما داده میشود. آزمایشی است برای اینکه معلوم شود تحت فشار چقدر می توانید خوب کار کنید."
" مکتب تفکر مثبت ما به همه ضرری وارد میکند؛ ما را به این بابت هدایت میکند که بیشتر از آنچه هستیم، عهده دار و مسئول جهانیم و ما را مسئول هر درد شکستگی نشان میدهد که متحمل میشویم. جهانی میسازد که در آن اگر پای ما را کجا بگذاریم، عواقب بدی در انتظارمان میماند. جهانی که در آن باید مراقب باشیم خدایان از تفکرات و نیت های ما ناراحت نشوند. ابزارهای آسایش و آزادی را به اجبار در انکار خودفریبی به خدمت در میآورد و باعث می شود برای افراد سوغات شعارهای بیفایده بدهیم و وعده پاداش باشکوه در آینده خیالی را جار بزنیم در حالی که درد واقعی و فعلی آنها را نادیده می گیریم."
" سوگ همانقدر نیاز به راه حل دارد که عشق دارد. نمی توانیم بر مرگ یا فقدان یا سود پیروز شویم. اینها عناصر ثابت زنده بودنند. اگر همچنان اینها را مسائلی ببینیم که باید حل شود، هرگز در عمیقترین درد هایمان به آرامش و تسلی خاطر نمیرسیم."
" ممکن است به خودتان بیایید و ببینید داستان فقدان آن را بارها و بارها تعریف کرده اید. حتی یا به ویژه به غریبه ها یا به آدم هایی که تازه ملاقات کرده اید یا شاید در ذهنتان وقایع را که به این فقدان منجر شده بارها مرور کرده اید. همه اینها عادی است. انسان ها موجوداتی داستان سرایند. به همین دلیل است که اسطوره های فرهنگی، داستان و فیلم داریم. با تعریف کردن دوباره و دوباره داستان این فقدان، انگار به دنبال پایانی جایگزین میگردیم."
" بدن هنگامی که در معرض محرک ها قرار میگیرد باید خودش را بیان کند. باید این کار را بکند. نیاز دارد. وقتی بدن و ذهن درد و تجربه میکنند ما نیاز زیستی برای بیان آن داریم دردی که مجاز نیست گفته شود یا بیان شود، به خودش میپیچد و مشکلات بیشتری را ایجاد میکند."
December 31, 2017
I found this book hard to review, as the author states every person’s grief is different. I thought it was very well written.
My father passed away not that long ago so I wanted to read something that could help me process what I was feeling. The author hits the nail on the head when she said the way we deal with grief is broken; this rang so true for me.
I loved how he book was set out in a way you can read all at once or dip in and out when there is a particular subject your struggling with. The author is straight talking and describes some of the feeling I had around my father’s death perfectly.
This book is different from your normal self-help guides; it touches on the side of grief we don’t always want to face.
I have to add a quote from this book to sum up my feelings on grief and how I felt I connected with this book.
“Our culture sees grief as a kind of malady: a terrifying, messy emotion that needs to be cleaned up and put behind us as soon as possible”.
This is very true and this book shows it doesn’t have to be this way.
Thank you to Netgalley for my ARC, I will be recommending this book to other family members who are also struggling to make sense of their own grief.
My father passed away not that long ago so I wanted to read something that could help me process what I was feeling. The author hits the nail on the head when she said the way we deal with grief is broken; this rang so true for me.
I loved how he book was set out in a way you can read all at once or dip in and out when there is a particular subject your struggling with. The author is straight talking and describes some of the feeling I had around my father’s death perfectly.
This book is different from your normal self-help guides; it touches on the side of grief we don’t always want to face.
I have to add a quote from this book to sum up my feelings on grief and how I felt I connected with this book.
“Our culture sees grief as a kind of malady: a terrifying, messy emotion that needs to be cleaned up and put behind us as soon as possible”.
This is very true and this book shows it doesn’t have to be this way.
Thank you to Netgalley for my ARC, I will be recommending this book to other family members who are also struggling to make sense of their own grief.
August 2, 2020
اگر فقدانی بزرگ در زندگی
تان به وجود آمده، چیزی که زیاد میشنوید این است«شما تنها نیستید» که این حقیقت ندارد.
به نسبت کتاب واقعگرایانه و خوبی بود.
تان به وجود آمده، چیزی که زیاد میشنوید این است«شما تنها نیستید» که این حقیقت ندارد.
به نسبت کتاب واقعگرایانه و خوبی بود.
September 3, 2022
طولانی و خسته کننده بود و پیام کل کتاب توی اسم کتاب خلاصه میشد.
راه حل خاصی ارائه نکرد، انتظار بیشتری داشتم.
راه حل خاصی ارائه نکرد، انتظار بیشتری داشتم.
January 8, 2023
4.5/5 stars
“For those who are living the stuff of other people’s nightmares” – author's dedication
As a vocal sceptic with a history of disliking any self-help book I pick up, I was very hesitant when I saw that tag attached to this book at my library. I still gave it a chance and I’m deeply thankful I did. This was one of the best, shall we call it “self-help-ish”, non-fiction books about grief I’ve read.
Megan Devine approaches this topic from two sides; being a professional therapist and grief-counselor, as well as having experiences the deep grief and trauma of witnessing the accidental death of her partner. From this dual-perspective she paints a well-rounded picture of the different realities of grief; the grief she felt as well as the grief she’s witnessed with clients. From there, she offers a compassionate and approachable guide to thoughts and actions that might help you in your journey. Emphasis on might, as this book makes sure not to preach or offer a “quick solution” to your grief, and actually makes a strong stance against that mentality in general.
This book excels in two fronts:
First it offers a compassionate and accepting view towards grief that is so often lost in our modern society. As it says in the title: “it’s okay that you’re not okay”. Grief, in our western culture, too often is seen as something to overcome. As quickly as possible, as quietly as possible, and preferably coming out the other way as a happier and more fulfilled person. Megan Devine addresses this societal norm that offers no time, space or understanding for grief, and the way that norm is present in the day-to-day lives of someone dealing with a loss. From media-portrayal, to work-place regulations around allowed leave-of-absence after the passing of a loved one, to the way we inadvertently phrase our condolences and consolidations. The book ten sheds light on all the ways in which this approach to grief is counter-productive and often does more harm than good to the grieving person.
Secondly, it offers practical tips and advice on how to handle the situations that arise from this. This is where the “self-help-part” comes in, as it offers concrete tips on how to navigate everyday-life without trying to fix your grief, and place in perspective some of the unhelpful or even stupid rhetoric you will encounter from other people.
This part was perhaps the most helpful to me personally. Going through my own experiences with multiple dimensions of grief, I’ve heard almost every well-meant but unhelpful, offensive, and out-of-touch remark. In my worst days, they made me feel like I was broken, alone or “failing at working through my grief”. Seeing Megan Devine writing these misconceptions out and breaking them down so succinctly was powerful today, but would’ve made a world of difference had I had this book at the time. I hope and expect this book will do that for others in similar situations.
Overall, I will be adding this book to my short-list of grief-non-fiction to recommend. If you’re looking for a concise, insightful, mindful and compassionate book to help you on your next step in your grief-journey; look no further.
“For those who are living the stuff of other people’s nightmares” – author's dedication
As a vocal sceptic with a history of disliking any self-help book I pick up, I was very hesitant when I saw that tag attached to this book at my library. I still gave it a chance and I’m deeply thankful I did. This was one of the best, shall we call it “self-help-ish”, non-fiction books about grief I’ve read.
Megan Devine approaches this topic from two sides; being a professional therapist and grief-counselor, as well as having experiences the deep grief and trauma of witnessing the accidental death of her partner. From this dual-perspective she paints a well-rounded picture of the different realities of grief; the grief she felt as well as the grief she’s witnessed with clients. From there, she offers a compassionate and approachable guide to thoughts and actions that might help you in your journey. Emphasis on might, as this book makes sure not to preach or offer a “quick solution” to your grief, and actually makes a strong stance against that mentality in general.
This book excels in two fronts:
First it offers a compassionate and accepting view towards grief that is so often lost in our modern society. As it says in the title: “it’s okay that you’re not okay”. Grief, in our western culture, too often is seen as something to overcome. As quickly as possible, as quietly as possible, and preferably coming out the other way as a happier and more fulfilled person. Megan Devine addresses this societal norm that offers no time, space or understanding for grief, and the way that norm is present in the day-to-day lives of someone dealing with a loss. From media-portrayal, to work-place regulations around allowed leave-of-absence after the passing of a loved one, to the way we inadvertently phrase our condolences and consolidations. The book ten sheds light on all the ways in which this approach to grief is counter-productive and often does more harm than good to the grieving person.
Secondly, it offers practical tips and advice on how to handle the situations that arise from this. This is where the “self-help-part” comes in, as it offers concrete tips on how to navigate everyday-life without trying to fix your grief, and place in perspective some of the unhelpful or even stupid rhetoric you will encounter from other people.
This part was perhaps the most helpful to me personally. Going through my own experiences with multiple dimensions of grief, I’ve heard almost every well-meant but unhelpful, offensive, and out-of-touch remark. In my worst days, they made me feel like I was broken, alone or “failing at working through my grief”. Seeing Megan Devine writing these misconceptions out and breaking them down so succinctly was powerful today, but would’ve made a world of difference had I had this book at the time. I hope and expect this book will do that for others in similar situations.
Overall, I will be adding this book to my short-list of grief-non-fiction to recommend. If you’re looking for a concise, insightful, mindful and compassionate book to help you on your next step in your grief-journey; look no further.
April 10, 2020
Suffering from a very recent loss myself I have been on the quest to cope, to try and understand my grief. Although I could relate to situations and the emotions I didn’t really connect with it. Perhaps this book was not for me but it does make a lot of valid points.
December 5, 2022
اگر قرار بود بیانیهی مراقبت از خودی بنویسم،احتمالاً مینوشتم:با خودِ غمگینتان مهربان باشید.
*این کتاب رو به شدت پیشنهاد میکنم برای دوستانی که عزیزانشون رو از دست دادند.
*این کتاب رو به شدت پیشنهاد میکنم برای دوستانی که عزیزانشون رو از دست دادند.
March 9, 2020
من خیلی وقتها پیش اومده درمقابل کسی که عزیزی رو از دست داده واقعا نمیدونستم چه رفتاری کنم که معذبکننده نباشه. آخر کتاب مقالهی کوتاهی نوشته بود و خیلی نکتههای خوبی ذکر کرده بود برای کمک به دوستی که فقدانی رو تجربه کرده.
خود کتاب هم خوندنش خیلی خوب و مفید (و صدالبته غمانگیز) بود. پر از شعارهای کلیشهای نبود و از اسمش هم که دیگه واضحه! عیبی نداره حالت خوش نباشه.
خلاصه اگر فقدانی رو تجربه میکنید، برای به دوش کشیدن غم (نه حل کردنش، که غم مشکل نیست که حل بشه) خوبه که این کتاب رو بخونید.
متاسفانه خوندمش تا آخر تا یک زمانی اگر اتفاقی افتاد خودم دچار فروپاشی روانی نشم و با این وجود میدونم خوندن هیچ کتابی تو بعضی موقعیتها تاثیری نداره. ولی بهرحال. خالی از لطف نبود.
البته درمورد همین ترس من هم به یه نکتهای اشاره کرده بود، لازم نیست نگران آینده باشی.
+ +ترجمهی نیمهی اول کتاب خیلی بهتر و روانتر بود، حس کردم اواخر کتاب مترجم(مترجمها؟) فقط میخواستن یه جوری تمومش کنن. ولی با این وجود قابل خوندن و درک کردن بود.
خود کتاب هم خوندنش خیلی خوب و مفید (و صدالبته غمانگیز) بود. پر از شعارهای کلیشهای نبود و از اسمش هم که دیگه واضحه! عیبی نداره حالت خوش نباشه.
خلاصه اگر فقدانی رو تجربه میکنید، برای به دوش کشیدن غم (نه حل کردنش، که غم مشکل نیست که حل بشه) خوبه که این کتاب رو بخونید.
متاسفانه خوندمش تا آخر تا یک زمانی اگر اتفاقی افتاد خودم دچار فروپاشی روانی نشم و با این وجود میدونم خوندن هیچ کتابی تو بعضی موقعیتها تاثیری نداره. ولی بهرحال. خالی از لطف نبود.
البته درمورد همین ترس من هم به یه نکتهای اشاره کرده بود، لازم نیست نگران آینده باشی.
+ +ترجمهی نیمهی اول کتاب خیلی بهتر و روانتر بود، حس کردم اواخر کتاب مترجم(مترجمها؟) فقط میخواستن یه جوری تمومش کنن. ولی با این وجود قابل خوندن و درک کردن بود.
April 29, 2019
there is a lot of good things in this book. i think it will help many. i just don't get the approach she's taking. "don't listen to anyone trying to help, they don't understand. but listen to me, because i lost and my loss is unique". i can't tell sometimes whether she's trying to help or eliminate competition.
i think she's showing a lot of examples of how to be dismissive towards well meaning people around us. moreover i don't think seeing meaninglessness and uniqueness of one's loss is the right way to go about it. loss of close ones can be a very isolating experience on its own, and i don't think teaching people to disconnect from others and their experiences is okay. i can't see help or grace in that.
i think she's showing a lot of examples of how to be dismissive towards well meaning people around us. moreover i don't think seeing meaninglessness and uniqueness of one's loss is the right way to go about it. loss of close ones can be a very isolating experience on its own, and i don't think teaching people to disconnect from others and their experiences is okay. i can't see help or grace in that.
May 2, 2022
Grief is so personal and painful. There is no one-size-fits-all formula. There is no magic length of time, when someone will be finally 'over it,' or back to 'normal.' Megan Devine writes, "This book is about how you live inside your loss. How you carry what cannot be fixed. How you survive."
Not only is it extremely painful to experience our own loss, it can be painful to experience our friends and loved ones grieving for their losses also. We may feel helpless when it comes to thinking what to do or say to 'make it feel better,' or at least bearable. I found this advice for helping a grieving friend in the appendix:
"Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend's life, without flinching or turning away. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. Be present. Be a friend. Be love. Love is the thing that lasts."
Not only is it extremely painful to experience our own loss, it can be painful to experience our friends and loved ones grieving for their losses also. We may feel helpless when it comes to thinking what to do or say to 'make it feel better,' or at least bearable. I found this advice for helping a grieving friend in the appendix:
"Be willing to stand beside the gaping hole that has opened in your friend's life, without flinching or turning away. Be willing to not have any answers. Listen. Be there. Be present. Be a friend. Be love. Love is the thing that lasts."
October 1, 2017
I read Megan's book with my dad's death in mind. What she had to offer was so helpful, and made me feel better about the fact that the typical approaches to dealing with my grief felt not just inadequate, but they actually made me feel worse. The amazing thing is that not only did thinking about things differently take an immense load off of me around my father's death, but also around some other relationships that I've lost in the last few years. Her work is equally applicable to the grief of the loss of a loved one and the loss of a friendship. I suspect I'll find there are even more places in my life that her work applies. Highly recommend.
September 28, 2017
Finally, a resource emerged that allowed me to accept my grief without shame, excuses or timetables. The author, Megan Devine, is a pioneer; paving a new path for those who have suffered debilitating loss by allowing them to see grief in a new way. She calmly and lovingly explains what well-meaning people in our culture do with grief and she does it without blame or shame. A lifesaving book and a must read. I have finally given my grief permission to be felt, experienced and carried in love because of this book. If you don't have a copy yet, get one.
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