Das Kettenlädenmassaker.

Brentford #5

by Robert Rankin

There is nothing more powerful than a bad idea whose time has come. And there can be few ideas less bad or more potentially apocalyptic than that hatched by genetic scientist Dr. Stephen Malone. Using DNA strands extracted from the dried blood on the Turin Shroud, Dr. Malone is cloning Jesus.

Genres: Fantasy, Humor, Fiction, Comedy, Science Fiction, Audiobook, Comic Fantasy

Paperback

First published December 1, 1997

Reviews

[Tony · Rating 2 out of 5]

Bit of a disappointment this. I think Mr Rankin discovered a stash of mushrooms somewhere between number four and five in the Brentford trilogy.

I struggled at times and considered shelving it. Didn’t though and bravely soldiered on. Might even do number six hoping that the random trippiness fades.

[John Bullock · Rating 4 out of 5]

My first taste of Robert Rankin's work was the BBC radio adaptation of The Brightonomicon. I found it to be hilarious, so, of course, I went on to read the novel. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and was pleased to find that it was the eighth book in a "trilogy" of nine, and promptly began buying the rest of the series.

The Brentford Chainstore Massacre is the fifth book in the series and, in my opinion, the best (chronologically speaking) so far. The writing style that attracted me to the series in The Brightonomicon comes fully into its own for the first time in the series. Rankin attacks his brand of fiction with his tongue pressed so firmly into his cheek that it's in danger of poking through! The story is paced to read like a blockbuster action movie, with humorous transitions tying one part of the story to the next, no matter how unrelated they are.

Chainstore also marks the first time in the series where Rankin not so much breaks down the fourth wall as rides a bulldozer through it. And then reverses over the debris. Probably laughing manically as he goes.

The usual cast are back, with Pooley and Omally taking centre stage, surrounded by the same faces and, of course, a great evil to battle. The duo hatch a plan to get their hands on some of the Millennial Celebration Funding two years early, not knowing that, by doing so, they are causing a certain event to take place at a certain time that will have wonderful consequences for humanity.

So, of course, they can't be allowed to succeed.

From cloned saviors to ancient scrolls, assassinated monks to hell lizards, this story has everything you could imagination... if your imagination was full of very strange things, and on the tail end of a prolonged session on hard drugs.

The only negative I came away from this story with is that the plot seems a little... well, plotless at times, with the events of entire chapters seemingly voided by what follows them. Still, for a story that, at times, pokes fun at its own narrative, a gripe about plot cohesion is a relatively small gripe to have.

For fans of Rankin, this book is a must-read, though I would recommend reading the earlier novels in this particular series first if you haven't already, or if you are new to his work. Not, you understand, because of any overarching plot (very little is carried over from story to story), but because the evolution of Rankin's writing style is most evident over this series of novels, and I'd imagine that reading The Antipope after this could be a bit underwhelming.

[Ade Couper · Rating 5 out of 5]

More from Mr Rankin , that most excellent purveyor of far-fetched fiction...

This tome finds us back in Brentford , in the company once again of Jim Pooley & John O'Malley , erstwhile individuals , patrons of The Flying Swan , & untroubled by mere employment. This time the yarn involves the lost days of Brentford , Demons , clones of .....well, it would spoil it to tell you, & general mayhem . It is , as you'd expect , bloody excellent .

[Jason · Rating 5 out of 5]

The first Robert Rankin book I purchased, mainly because of the title and it's amazing cover.

In this outing Rankin decides it's time to resurrect Jesus seeing as the new millennium nearly upon us. there is also a love interest for Pooley at long last, poor bloke needed to get some. Complete lunacy as you would expect from Rankin as Brentford come up with a way of celebrating the millennium early and getting some cash from the millennium grant. Fantastic writing with perfect comedic timing.

[[ J o ] · Rating 4 out of 5]

[Quick review from memory before I re-read and re-review at a later date]

(Little memory of the plot, though from the rating it must have been a grand one. Polley, O'Malley? Marchant... hmm. One of the ones where I learn something new, that's what it feels like.)

[Steven Shroyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

While this book is a bit dated(it was released in 1997) this book is a funny, oddball romp that deserves a repeat reading. For fans of such British Humor authors like Douglas Adams and Terry Pratchett

[Richard Thomas · Rating 5 out of 5]

The early Rankins are all delightful heart-stoppingly funny and essential comic sci-fi reading with hidden treasures on every page

[Brook · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 stars.
Cut-rate Pratchett (who also provides a review blurb), and extreme-cut-rate Adams (not really in the same continent, but it's what the author leans toward). This is what it would look like if I tried to write like HHGG. That's not saying it's horrible, just that it's "ok." If you are a fan of the two aforementioned authors and need a fix, then pick this up. It's good enough to keep your attention, and some of the wit is very good, but it's almost all schoolboy and/or stag humor. Lots of tits, legs and bl*wjob jokes, and a couple racist jokes thrown in (with an underlying running gag of how it's not racist/sexist/classist if the person saying it is of the persuasion being mocked). If this were written in 2020, I would have no doubt that it was entirely tongue-in-cheek. 90's Britain, still pretty sure, but not 100%.

There are some original ideas here, and the underlying one is a lot of fun (no spoilers). Suffice it to say the author combined some old tropes with new technology, and created some interesting characters. Which reminds me: I understand the need to make your characters relatable, but please give them names that differentiate. Jim, John, Jack (itself a nickname for two of the other names), Bill...I shouldn't have to keep fingers in a book just to remember who everyone is as I go through it. You can be the everyman and still have a Nate, Roger, Clementine, Ceasar thrown in there.

[Andrew Lawston · Rating 5 out of 5]

Obviously I'm reading these out of order. I do that at the best of times, but it seems to particularly not matter where the adventures of Jim Pooley and John Omally are concerned, as they seemingly carry over very little memory of their exploits from book to book.

The Brentford Chainstore Massacre is another witty and bonkers adventure in London's bestest borough. The gang are all present and correct, from Norman Hartnell (not to be confused with the other Norman Hartnell), Neville the part-time barman, Professor Slocombe, Gammon, and so on and so forth. Old Pete furnishes the clientele of the Flying Swan with a series of spectacuarly awful jokes, one of which I have enshrined within my personal canon and will be debuting at a family dinner tomorrow night in my ancestral seat.

Brentford truly is the bestest borough, and I love these books more with each one that I read.

[Colin Forbes · Rating 4 out of 5]

A better than average Rankin novel - playing to his strengths and writing about Pooley, O’Malley and their compadres. Entertainingly read by the author himself in the audiobook (and available free on Audible if you try Kindle Unlimited).

Full to the brim with the usual running gags, puns and bizarre situations. Some of the risqué humour does perhaps date the book slightly - it is 20+ years old after all - but definitely a recommended read if you’ve enjoyed the author previously.

[Geoff Battle · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you pulled out the pages that actually were important to the central plot of this short Brentonian outing there wouldn't be many pages in your hand. Fortunately the filler is all Rankin. Plenty of running gags, raunchy gags, pop culture gags and slapstick. Although the story seems somewhat irrelevant it's a short and mostly entertaining ride, easily completed in a few hours.

[David Robert Bloomer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another far fetched book

With a straight ahead plot but a menagerie of convolution Mr Rankin tells a tall tale of Brentford. They're back and Jim and John are up to their eyes again. Cracking read.

[Kevin Burke · Rating 4 out of 5]

Classic Rankin... if you already like him (as I do) then this will be right up your street. If you don't, then this probably won't change your mind. If you've never read him, then give it a try, you might become a convert!

[John Defrog: global citizen, local gadfly · Rating 3 out of 5]

The fifth installment in the Brentford trilogy, and more of the usual silliness – this time involving a plot to clone Jesus. Good fun, though I can’t say much more about it than I have about Rankin’s other books.

[Martin Watts · Rating 5 out of 5]

Party like it's 1997

Pooley and Omally are celebrating the millennium early and it might just cause the apocalypse. It's up to Professor Slocombe to save the day.

[Jan · Rating 4 out of 5]

More utterly brilliant nonsense!!!

[Lucas Brown · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was my first ever Rankin novel way back in the aughts, and re-reading it in 2022, I’m not sure I could have picked a better introduction.

[Andrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Brentford Triangle strikes again and it's up to the John Omally and Jim Pooley with the help of Professor Slocum and assorted misfits to save the world, this time from the evil clones of Jesus.

[Jo Prince · Rating 4 out of 5]

Always great fun. This time the plan is to ring in the millennium in Brentford two years ahead of the rest of the world.

[Elena Melanson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I freaking love those book!

[Nigel · Rating 4 out of 5]

The fifth and last of the Brentford trilogy. And as always Brentford is saved from Armageddon. And unusually Jim gets the girl.

[Isabel (kittiwake) · Rating 4 out of 5]

'And the lights upon the allotment,' said Soap, 'what would you take those to be?'
'The work of the council,' said Omally firmly, 'another plot to confound honest golfers.'
Soap burst into a paroxysm of laughter. Tears rolled down his pale cheeks and he clutched at his stomach.
'Come now,' said Pooley, 'it is no laughing matter, these lads have it in for us.'
'Have it in for you?' gasped Soap between convulsions. 'You witness a test run of laser-operated gravitational landing beams, the product of a technology beyond comprehension, and you put it down to the work of Brentford Council?'
'If you will pardon me,' said Pooley, somewhat offended, 'If it is the product of a technology beyond comprehension I hardly feel that I can be blamed for finding it so.'
'Quite', said Omalley.

1) The Antipope
2) The Brentford Triangle
3) East of Ealing
4) The Sprouts of Wrath
5) The Brentford Chainstore Massacre

I decided that I should try to fit in some re-reads of old favourites over the next few months, and I started with The Brentford Trilogy since I've got two linked books on my TBR shelf. I liked book 1 of this series, but it was book 2 that got me hooked. On the surface Brentford may appear to be a normal West London suburb, but it's actually a centre of weirdness and a magnet for the uncanny. So it's lucky that the mysterious Professor Slocombe, and local layabouts Pooley and Omalley are ready to tackle evil whenever it rears its head, with the help of the inventive genius Norman Hartnel, hollow-earther Soap Distant and the other regulars of The Flying Swan pub.

[Linda Addams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Formidable * * * * *

[Joseph Teller · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fifth in the Trilogy set around the Characters of Jim Pooley and John Omalley, this book has as much to do with taking all the wild 'Milllennial Madness' and waving it around as something insane and silly as it does back developing the history of Jim & John and why they live in Brentford like their ancestors before them and why weird things happening there often involve them.

It's all about there being nothing more powerful than a bad idea whose time has come.... and the silliness about the year 2000 was definitely just such a bad idea that someone had to make fun of it in a rip roaring gun shooting dead monks and attempts to clone Jesus kind of way. Rankin was definitely the man to do it, and 1998 was definitely the year to do this in.

Its a little weaker than some of Rankin's later stuff, especially the end chapters, but its also obvious that the author thought it was time to move on to other characters and other madnesses when he wrote this... only to be dragged back to them come the 6th book in the trilogy years later.

Still a fun, fast light read, with lots of word play and running jokes of the sort one expects from Rankin.

[Simon Bostock · Rating 4 out of 5]

The fifth adventure of Jim Pooley and John OMally, again fighting the dark forces abroad in Brentford, after discovering Brentford was given days back after the change of calendars, the bourough of Brentford gets to celebrate the millenium two years early, whilst dark forces are aiming for this to not happen. There is also a plotline featuring the cloning of Jesus Christ from the Turin shroud.

This book is where all the old jokes, forth wall breaks and generally surreal situations really comes to the fore, there are the running gags that get referenced as the running gag, and Old Pete starts to tell old jokes. There is a few times when a character will say something offensive that is played out that it isn't offensive if the character is part of the in group that is telling the joke.

The main story goes along quite slowly, but there is a lot of detail imbued in the chapters, until the finale takes off like a rocket.

Overall, I enjoyed this and am a fan of meta referencing humour.

[Angela · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rankin calls this book "The fifth novel in the now legendary Brentford Trilogy" and rightly so: Pooley, O'Malley, The Professor: they are all back and have a ton of adventures. The Lady With The Straw Hat, a new character, seems to have a very important role. (no spoilers here!!!)
The difference to the other books in the series is that Rankin unloads every writing style that he "had not tried before" - may it be endless sentences that cover a whole page or the chapter with all of the "F" words:
"Fred was filing his filthy fingernails with a piece of flattened flint. 'There's been a flipping foul-up' said the form-fetcher." etc......
All in all the book is a true reading pleasure.

[Shane · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very funny, as usual. I always enjoy these novels. I feel I know the characters so well by now too. This was one of the better ones too, which is saying a lot because they're all good anyway.

This ones about Poole and O'Malley attempting to get their hands on a large amount of coin, as they say from the Millennium funding committee, or some such body. Also involved in the shenanigans is a Doctor who clones two boys from the blood of Jesus on the Turin Shroud and yet another attempt to renovate The Flying Swan to the constant disgust of the locals.

Just switch off your brain and go along for the ride.

Wonderful stuff.

[Nathan Dehoff · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a return to Rankin’s original heroes, Jim Pooley and John Omally of Brentford. It’s also a return to the titles that sound cool but don’t directly relate to the plot. The overlapping plots this time around involve a mad doctor who is attempting to clone Jesus, and the discovery that a set of scrolls from the Vatican will allow Brentford to celebrate the millennium a few years early. As might be expected, there’s also a demonic being, this time the head of the Millennial Committee who sold his soul to Satan. While much of it has a done-before sort of feeling, it’s a good read, and has some interesting and amusing new ideas.

[Benjamin Kahn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very amusing book. It seemed somewhat of a cross between Christopher Moore and Jasper Fforde. There were a number of jokes that referred back to the fact that you were reading a novel and commented on the reader's expectations. Despite that, the plot was interesting enough and moved along at a good clip. I would definitely try another of Rankin's books.

[Richard Penn · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has a clever title, and is reasonably well written, but it seems lazy and self-indulgent. We have no real sense that the main character, or indeed Brentford, is in any danger. And all we learn about Brentford is that the author despises it, like Little Whingeing, in JKR's books.