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Ready or Not: Preparing Our Kids to Thrive in an Uncertain and Rapidly Changing World
REVISED WITH NEW MATERIAL TO HELP PARENTS THROUGH THE PANDEMIC ERA The New York Times bestselling author of The Price of Privilege and Teach Your Children Well explores how today’s parenting techniques and our myopic educational system are failing to prepare children for their certain-to-be-uncertain future—and how we can reverse course to ensure their lasting adaptability, resilience, health and happiness. In The Price of Privilege , respected clinician, Madeline Levine was the first to correctly identify the deficits created by parents giving kids of privilege too much of the wrong things and not enough of the right things. Continuing to address the mistaken notions about what children need to thrive in Teach Your Children Well , Levine tore down the myth that good grades, high test scores, and college acceptances should define the parenting endgame. In Ready or Not, she continues the discussion, showing how these same parenting practices, combined with a desperate need to shelter children from discomfort and anxiety, are setting future generations up to fail spectacularly. Increasingly, the world we know has become disturbing, unfamiliar, and even threatening. In the wake of uncertainty and rapid change, adults are doubling-down on the pressure-filled parenting style that pushes children to excel. Yet these daunting expectations, combined with the stress parents feel and unwittingly project onto their children, are leading to a generation of young people who are overwhelmed, exhausted, distressed—and unprepared for the future that awaits them. While these damaging effects are known, the world into which these children are coming of age is not. And continuing to focus primarily on grades and performance are leaving kids more ill-prepared than ever to navigate the challenges to come. But there is hope. Using the latest developments in neuroscience and epigenetics (the intersection of genetics and environment), as well as extensive research gleaned from captains of industry, entrepreneurs, military leaders, scientists, academics, and futurists, Levine identifies the skills that children need to succeed in a tumultuous adaptability, mental agility, curiosity, collaboration, tolerance for failure, resilience, and optimism. Most important, Levine offers day-to-day solutions parents can use to raise kids who are prepared, enthusiastic, and ready to face an unknown future with confidence and optimism.
288 pages, Hardcover
First published February 11, 2020
99 people are currently reading
2165 people want to read
About the author
Madeline Levine
13 books31 followersMadeline Levine, Ph.D. is a psychologist with close to 40 years of experience as a clinician, consultant, educator and author.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 53 reviews
March 5, 2020
My nine-year old daughter shared a school story with me just this morning. According to her report, Girl A recently told a pack of other little girls that she hated Girl B. Predictably (and annoyingly), the little pack ran and told Girl B the first chance they got that she is currently hated by Girl A. Unsurprisingly, poor Girl B started to cry. Also somewhat predictably in this particular school context, Girl B’s mother phoned the school to discuss the issue with the teacher, and a big deal was made.
I asked my daughter, is Girl A a mean kid in general? No, she’s pretty nice overall. (This fits with my observations of this child).
How about Girl B, is she someone who struggles at school? Are kids often mean to her? No, she’s one of the “gymnastic girls", code for wealthy and popular. (Also seems accurate.)
Do you think it was important that the mom phone the school? Would you have wanted me to do that if you were Girl B? I dunno, I don’t think what happened was a big deal.
In our current age of anxiety, it’s easy for parents, especially well-educated ones, to think that they are doing the right thing by inserting themselves into situations like these and advocating for their kids. But, according to Ready or Not: Preparing Our Kids to Thrive in an Uncertain and Rapidly Changing World by Madeline Levine, parental overinvolvement and an “unhealthy emeshness” between parent and child only serves to “nurture distress” in both. This, the author argues, can lead to what she calls “accumulating disability” and “learned helpless” in kids—in other words, an alarming inability to cope with and adapt to the diversity of life’s challenges. And this might explain, at least in part, the rising rates of anxiety among children.
Assuming for the sake of argument that my daughter has accurately conveyed the story of Girl A and Girl B and that there isn’t a relevant back-story, I think the author of this book might say the following: Despite the mom’s good intentions, intervening in these kinds of everyday social situations deprives children of age-appropriate opportunities to problem-solve for themselves and also inadvertently teaches them that being disliked is a great injustice warranting involvement from parents and teachers. In other words, it communicates to them that they can’t handle being disliked. As any adult knows, the expectation that everyone must. love. me. is a recipe for great sadness and disillusionment in life. As the author rightly points out, “Kids are not served by being kept away from what makes them anxious.” It’s good to talk to a kid about these kinds of problems; it’s not so good to solve these kinds of problems on her behalf.
I thoroughly enjoyed Ready or Not and found it a sane and helpful corrective against the guilt-inducing tendency toward helicopter parenting. It’s the kind of parenting book that made me feel good to read, not because I am already doing everything Levine recommends (I was often chastened reading this book—see below) but because the advice prescribed is intuitive, sound, and liberating.
According to Levine, a psychologist, much of the parental overprotection she sees in her practice is concentrated in the area of academic success. I’ve seen it first-hand, as I live in a city where academic success is the primary standard by which many parents judge the quality and effectiveness of their parenting. This naturally leads to hyper-competition among parents, the micromanaging of kids’ schedules, sacrificing outside play to slog through test-prep, learning an instrument and playing a sport not for the sake of enjoyment and enrichment but to gain a competitive edge over other kids, and so on. A friend and fellow parent recently told me that many primary school kids in this area, aged 9-10, spend several hours every day after school studying for secondary school placement exams. The parents of my daughter’s close school friend recently mentioned casually to us that they’ve promised her a puppy if she lands a place (through high test scores) in the most desirable secondary school in the area. All of this, according to the author, can potentially lead to anxiety and depression in kids who are increasingly overwhelmed by their parents’ unrealistic expectations and narrow definition of “success.”
Levine writes that she sees more and more kids in her practice who, despite having been thoroughly primed for academic success, are lacking in the skills needed to navigate life in an uncertain, ever-changing world. She identifies these traits as adaptability, flexibility, curiosity, and healthy risk-taking. She also stresses the need for parents to help their children hone their moral compasses: “There are very few promises I’ve made in this book but I can promise you this: whatever pleasure you may get from your children’s academic or athletic successes won’t hold a candle to the pride and pleasure of seeing them grow into generous and kind adults.”
Overall, I found Levine’s argument persuasive and compelling. I can imagine some readers saying that the book’s advice is too obvious to be interesting, and while I agree that much of what Levine prescribes is exactly what our grandparents would have done without much fuss, I do think the message is relevant and helpful today. Our grandparents didn’t have Dr. Sears breathing down their necks with his unreasonable expectations and dubious advice. Toward the middle of the book, I worried it was getting a bit gimmicky as she shared insights she gleaned from Navy Seals and CEOs. I also felt a growing concern that she was trading in one obsessive kind of parenting for another, with the emphasis still being on parents getting things exactly right in order to ensure a good result. She redeems her argument toward the end of the book, however, when she 1) shares her own parental regrets with much grace and compassion 2) reminds readers that the road to a satisfying career is a serendipitous one, often marked by failure and setbacks. Whether you believe in blind chance or God’s providence, there is so much that is beyond parental control (and that’s probably a good thing when it comes to the character formation of our kids).
“Nothing prepares kids better for uncertainty than the stable reliable base they construct inside themselves modeled on the stable, reliable base their parents have provided.”
Below are some ways that I have attempted to apply Levine’s advice this week. I’ve hidden them behind spoilers because they might not be very interesting to anyone else but me. I found it helpful to write them out as a way to reflect.
I asked my daughter, is Girl A a mean kid in general? No, she’s pretty nice overall. (This fits with my observations of this child).
How about Girl B, is she someone who struggles at school? Are kids often mean to her? No, she’s one of the “gymnastic girls", code for wealthy and popular. (Also seems accurate.)
Do you think it was important that the mom phone the school? Would you have wanted me to do that if you were Girl B? I dunno, I don’t think what happened was a big deal.
In our current age of anxiety, it’s easy for parents, especially well-educated ones, to think that they are doing the right thing by inserting themselves into situations like these and advocating for their kids. But, according to Ready or Not: Preparing Our Kids to Thrive in an Uncertain and Rapidly Changing World by Madeline Levine, parental overinvolvement and an “unhealthy emeshness” between parent and child only serves to “nurture distress” in both. This, the author argues, can lead to what she calls “accumulating disability” and “learned helpless” in kids—in other words, an alarming inability to cope with and adapt to the diversity of life’s challenges. And this might explain, at least in part, the rising rates of anxiety among children.
Assuming for the sake of argument that my daughter has accurately conveyed the story of Girl A and Girl B and that there isn’t a relevant back-story, I think the author of this book might say the following: Despite the mom’s good intentions, intervening in these kinds of everyday social situations deprives children of age-appropriate opportunities to problem-solve for themselves and also inadvertently teaches them that being disliked is a great injustice warranting involvement from parents and teachers. In other words, it communicates to them that they can’t handle being disliked. As any adult knows, the expectation that everyone must. love. me. is a recipe for great sadness and disillusionment in life. As the author rightly points out, “Kids are not served by being kept away from what makes them anxious.” It’s good to talk to a kid about these kinds of problems; it’s not so good to solve these kinds of problems on her behalf.
I thoroughly enjoyed Ready or Not and found it a sane and helpful corrective against the guilt-inducing tendency toward helicopter parenting. It’s the kind of parenting book that made me feel good to read, not because I am already doing everything Levine recommends (I was often chastened reading this book—see below) but because the advice prescribed is intuitive, sound, and liberating.
According to Levine, a psychologist, much of the parental overprotection she sees in her practice is concentrated in the area of academic success. I’ve seen it first-hand, as I live in a city where academic success is the primary standard by which many parents judge the quality and effectiveness of their parenting. This naturally leads to hyper-competition among parents, the micromanaging of kids’ schedules, sacrificing outside play to slog through test-prep, learning an instrument and playing a sport not for the sake of enjoyment and enrichment but to gain a competitive edge over other kids, and so on. A friend and fellow parent recently told me that many primary school kids in this area, aged 9-10, spend several hours every day after school studying for secondary school placement exams. The parents of my daughter’s close school friend recently mentioned casually to us that they’ve promised her a puppy if she lands a place (through high test scores) in the most desirable secondary school in the area. All of this, according to the author, can potentially lead to anxiety and depression in kids who are increasingly overwhelmed by their parents’ unrealistic expectations and narrow definition of “success.”
Levine writes that she sees more and more kids in her practice who, despite having been thoroughly primed for academic success, are lacking in the skills needed to navigate life in an uncertain, ever-changing world. She identifies these traits as adaptability, flexibility, curiosity, and healthy risk-taking. She also stresses the need for parents to help their children hone their moral compasses: “There are very few promises I’ve made in this book but I can promise you this: whatever pleasure you may get from your children’s academic or athletic successes won’t hold a candle to the pride and pleasure of seeing them grow into generous and kind adults.”
Overall, I found Levine’s argument persuasive and compelling. I can imagine some readers saying that the book’s advice is too obvious to be interesting, and while I agree that much of what Levine prescribes is exactly what our grandparents would have done without much fuss, I do think the message is relevant and helpful today. Our grandparents didn’t have Dr. Sears breathing down their necks with his unreasonable expectations and dubious advice. Toward the middle of the book, I worried it was getting a bit gimmicky as she shared insights she gleaned from Navy Seals and CEOs. I also felt a growing concern that she was trading in one obsessive kind of parenting for another, with the emphasis still being on parents getting things exactly right in order to ensure a good result. She redeems her argument toward the end of the book, however, when she 1) shares her own parental regrets with much grace and compassion 2) reminds readers that the road to a satisfying career is a serendipitous one, often marked by failure and setbacks. Whether you believe in blind chance or God’s providence, there is so much that is beyond parental control (and that’s probably a good thing when it comes to the character formation of our kids).
“Nothing prepares kids better for uncertainty than the stable reliable base they construct inside themselves modeled on the stable, reliable base their parents have provided.”
Below are some ways that I have attempted to apply Levine’s advice this week. I’ve hidden them behind spoilers because they might not be very interesting to anyone else but me. I found it helpful to write them out as a way to reflect.
March 27, 2021
Levine reviews adolescent brain science, then goes over “accumulated disability: impairment of life skills and the inability to cope, adapt and function.”; “learned helplessness: the belief that nothing you do can impact your life.”; and “delayed adolescence” before providing guidance on preventing more damage (exposure therapy, enhanced boundaries, changing your internal explanatory style) and moving forward building up characteristics and skills for success, such as “adaptability, curiosity, risk-taking, and flexibility”; ‘engagement”; “emotional intelligence”; “self-regulation” and “collaboration.”
“Explanatory style—the manner in which we habitually explain to ourselves why things happen and what they mean” is “determined by our responses to three key components: permanence, pervasiveness and personalization.” A bad situation can be thought of as permanent or temporary. Failure can be understood as encompassing or partial. One may internalize or externalize bad times.
“Traditionally, they’ve [adolescents] been risk-takers and creative thinkers who work well in groups and aren’t satisfied with the status quo.” If these characteristics were cultivated in the teens, success in adulthood is more readily achievable.
In our contemporary VUCA (“Volatile, Uncertain, Complex and Ambiguous) and alarmist culture, Levine downplays status quo achievements through high grades and varsity sports and encourages the development of a sense of agency and advocacy.
“Those who see errors as opportunities to learn and try again are the people who will most quickly find new solutions. (This is how our children become resilient.)” “[G]et into the habit of seeing life as a mix of successes and obstacles from which we can learn.”
“Motherhood has become professionalized for much of the middle and upper-middle class.”
Parents of kids who are not thriving should rethink and let go. Be brave.
Avoid maintaining “primacy in the lives of [our] children. Mothers without a solid grounding in their own sense of self, independent of their role as mothers, are apt to find isolation and depression at the tail end of active mothering.” ”Hunkering down will not serve us well. Neither will continuing to cultivate the kind of anxiety that gets in the way of the enthusiasm and openness needed to meet unknowable challenges.”
“Anxious parents have less tolerance for the children’s distress, and this leads them to avoid situations they think will upset their child.”
“This pattern of protecting kids early in life and then being disappointed and finally furious when they don’t grow up has become one of the most common problems I see in my office.”
“Explanatory style—the manner in which we habitually explain to ourselves why things happen and what they mean” is “determined by our responses to three key components: permanence, pervasiveness and personalization.” A bad situation can be thought of as permanent or temporary. Failure can be understood as encompassing or partial. One may internalize or externalize bad times.
“Traditionally, they’ve [adolescents] been risk-takers and creative thinkers who work well in groups and aren’t satisfied with the status quo.” If these characteristics were cultivated in the teens, success in adulthood is more readily achievable.
In our contemporary VUCA (“Volatile, Uncertain, Complex and Ambiguous) and alarmist culture, Levine downplays status quo achievements through high grades and varsity sports and encourages the development of a sense of agency and advocacy.
“Those who see errors as opportunities to learn and try again are the people who will most quickly find new solutions. (This is how our children become resilient.)” “[G]et into the habit of seeing life as a mix of successes and obstacles from which we can learn.”
“Motherhood has become professionalized for much of the middle and upper-middle class.”
Parents of kids who are not thriving should rethink and let go. Be brave.
Avoid maintaining “primacy in the lives of [our] children. Mothers without a solid grounding in their own sense of self, independent of their role as mothers, are apt to find isolation and depression at the tail end of active mothering.” ”Hunkering down will not serve us well. Neither will continuing to cultivate the kind of anxiety that gets in the way of the enthusiasm and openness needed to meet unknowable challenges.”
“Anxious parents have less tolerance for the children’s distress, and this leads them to avoid situations they think will upset their child.”
“This pattern of protecting kids early in life and then being disappointed and finally furious when they don’t grow up has become one of the most common problems I see in my office.”
February 9, 2020
Nice premise, the world is likely going to be changing dramatically in the next few years and it would probably be better to prepare your kids in various “soft skills” (a term considered derisive by the author) and not just funnel your child into the adolescent rat race of grades, extra-curriculars, college and then stable job.
I found that part reassuring, given that I was never able to really buy into that all myself, but I do worry about what my kid will do. This book told me everything I wanted to hear about how not pressuring my kid to be the perfect college application might actually confer advantages.
The author talked to a lot of people on tech and the military and other futuristic thinkers. However, there just wasn’t a whole lot of specific advice on how to prepare children for a world that is seriously wrecked.
I found that part reassuring, given that I was never able to really buy into that all myself, but I do worry about what my kid will do. This book told me everything I wanted to hear about how not pressuring my kid to be the perfect college application might actually confer advantages.
The author talked to a lot of people on tech and the military and other futuristic thinkers. However, there just wasn’t a whole lot of specific advice on how to prepare children for a world that is seriously wrecked.
January 9, 2022
There were some good gems in this book. That said, it was published in very early 2020, which was unfortunate. Many of the “wow our world is in so much upheaval” descriptions seemed, well, quaint when I read them in winter 2022, nearly 2 years into a global pandemic that shattered all definitions of “uncertainty” in our lives.
In addition, I’m already a relatively laid back parent who cares more about my children’s moral compasses and bettering the world than their grades or accomplishments, so perhaps I wasn’t the target audience of the book.
That said, it’s a good reminder to focus on leading good lives as parents, slowing down, and being attentive and loving to our children.
In addition, I’m already a relatively laid back parent who cares more about my children’s moral compasses and bettering the world than their grades or accomplishments, so perhaps I wasn’t the target audience of the book.
That said, it’s a good reminder to focus on leading good lives as parents, slowing down, and being attentive and loving to our children.
February 8, 2023
Even though I don't identify with the intensity of the parents, Dr. Levine describes in the book; it was a good reminder of why letting kids accomplish things on their own is important for their self-esteem and development. She talks about how our own uncertainty in our kid's future can cause us to overprotect them, and it doesn't allow our kids to deal with difficult situations, causing them low self-esteem and anxiety.
She also had some valuable things to say about transitioning from full-time parenting to empty-nesting.
Overall, this book was really well written and had lots of valuable information.
She also had some valuable things to say about transitioning from full-time parenting to empty-nesting.
Overall, this book was really well written and had lots of valuable information.
February 25, 2020
Great book. I’m in the home stretch of child rearing, but I wanted to read this after hearing her interviewed on the NYT Book Review podcast.
I was already semi-familiar with her from Challenge Success. This book provides a really useful frame for thinking about achievement, stress, character, and community. And there is a lot of discussion about parental anxiety and the effects that can have on kids and how they are raised. So I not only passed down my anxious genes to my kids, I activated them as well. Great.
I was already semi-familiar with her from Challenge Success. This book provides a really useful frame for thinking about achievement, stress, character, and community. And there is a lot of discussion about parental anxiety and the effects that can have on kids and how they are raised. So I not only passed down my anxious genes to my kids, I activated them as well. Great.
April 17, 2023
I wish I'd listened to this audiobook when my kids were younger. I'm definitely not a hyper-intense parent in regard to grades, but I used to be about sports. I think we all enjoy sports a bit more now that the kids are playing for the experience of playing. That's what this author is saying, and she had some timely and welcome advice about a situation that popped up at home during the time I was listening to this. It truly, truly helped me work things out.
May 22, 2020
A pretty typical self help book focused parents helping their kids in today’s world. Yesterday was different, today is now. Now with the pandemic? Got rid of those pesky standardized tests in school and the. SAT and ACT for college. AP? Well that’s a bummer! Anyway this book will comfort the well off parent who’s kid is overwhelmed trying to be college and career ready in the 21st century.
June 30, 2021
I found lots of good tidbits of new information in between pockets of studies and advice I'd found in other sources. Which is totally not their fault. Nor was it impossible to sift out her political leanings--- something which, depending on the person and the time, might detract from the message.
I really thought she had some unique points in the second-to-last chapter, though I didn't quite see the connection to the overall topic.
The most surprising thing in the book was her position on teen advocacy which, because it is more recent than most of the books I've read, included the response to the Parkland shooting. Her stance shocked me because the whole book had been about how we need to not push/drag our children into adulthood. However, what I think she meant, was that when it inevitably happens(as it does in times like these) this is a better and more empowering response? I would have appreciated a bit more clarification on that.
I really thought she had some unique points in the second-to-last chapter, though I didn't quite see the connection to the overall topic.
The most surprising thing in the book was her position on teen advocacy which, because it is more recent than most of the books I've read, included the response to the Parkland shooting. Her stance shocked me because the whole book had been about how we need to not push/drag our children into adulthood. However, what I think she meant, was that when it inevitably happens(as it does in times like these) this is a better and more empowering response? I would have appreciated a bit more clarification on that.
May 21, 2022
She is such an excellent psychologist and writer. Even though I am not a parent, I learned a lot as a counselor and therapist
March 7, 2020
I’m what they call an “elder millennial” and was given this book as a gift while I was pregnant with my third child. I think this book is painfully outdated for modern parents. I felt like it would have perhaps benefited my parents, but of course this book couldn’t have been written when I was growing up, because the lessons learned it this book are from raising my generation (author has kids slightly older than myself). There is a recurring concept in this book of dealing with uncertainty, however, I feel like my generation only knows uncertainty. We have grown up post-Columbine, post-9/11, practicing drills for school shootings. We graduated college with immense debt during an economic downturn. And we are certainly not new to technology, which is something the author delves into, the idea of my children being digital natives versus the parents experiencing anxiety over social media, as digital immigrants. As I continued to read on, I heard myself say “ok, boomer” dozens of times.
I do not think this book is relevant to younger, modern parents, but if you do struggle with anxiety as a parent or perhaps feel like technology is taking over and is foreign, and over-achiever culture is a big factor in your child rearing, so much so that you’d consider dosing your child with Aderall to keep them focused in school, then this might be the read for you. Otherwise, skip this one.
I do not think this book is relevant to younger, modern parents, but if you do struggle with anxiety as a parent or perhaps feel like technology is taking over and is foreign, and over-achiever culture is a big factor in your child rearing, so much so that you’d consider dosing your child with Aderall to keep them focused in school, then this might be the read for you. Otherwise, skip this one.
March 30, 2021
The title says it all. This book is about how we parent our children in these times that are changing so radically and so fast. No one knows what the world will look like for our children, or what their jobs will be like. This book takes a look at how people behave in situations of uncertainty. When the author was introducing everything we're uncertain about, I started feeling super stressed. I was thankful to see the concrete solutions and coping mechanisms that followed.
A section in the book is called "For moms, it's harder to find fun." It talked about not having to go to every event for your kids. Understanding that carving out time for yourself is critical for you, but it's also essential for your child's development to see that there are other things in the world besides them. It is also crucial for kids to know that we are responsible for helping the world in different ways that are more important than tracking accomplishments and performance and GPA scores.
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at:
https://zibbyowens.com/transcript/mad...
A section in the book is called "For moms, it's harder to find fun." It talked about not having to go to every event for your kids. Understanding that carving out time for yourself is critical for you, but it's also essential for your child's development to see that there are other things in the world besides them. It is also crucial for kids to know that we are responsible for helping the world in different ways that are more important than tracking accomplishments and performance and GPA scores.
To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at:
https://zibbyowens.com/transcript/mad...
January 16, 2021
This was one of those books where I argued with the author most of the book. Which can be a good thing but in this case was mostly me being irked by how narrow and privileged her context/applications seem to be. One thing that annoyed me the whole book is her constant reference to "family dinner", which she does admit is actually not a given for most families at the end of the book. I do think there were some helpful snippets for me as I am actually pretty privileged. However it also felt dated, surprisingly so for a book about dealing with change published in 2020.
September 3, 2020
I found this book reassuring, but not groundbreaking as compared to her other books. Levine encourages using progressive desensitization to deal with with food issues, anxiety, and fears. Kids that are more adaptable will better cope with the increasing pace of change, she argues. She's very critical of overprotective parents, and I liked the bit of throwing shade at Amy Chua.
July 21, 2020
Started reading right before the pandemic hit. Never finished (much of it seems aimed for parents of older kids), and now it's due back at library, but might return to it someday.
Plenty of good ideas, though with a (very strange to me) focus on how this advice will make your kids into competitive college applicants and valued employees. Why's it not enough to be good citizens and community members with strong character? I guess the target audience is those over-the-top helicopter parents who "need" to get the kids into the right preschool so they're ready for Harvard, etc? And it's easier to sell them this book by emphasizing
"teaching kids to be good people can *also* get them into Harvard"
rather than
"Harvard's not the only important thing"
(despite some mentions of that perspective too)?
* p.xiii: "...the vast majority of adults who consider themselves successful have had winding (what I call 'squiggly') life paths. So we'll look at the benefits of a squiggly path going forward, the pressing need for moral clarity, as well as how to incorporate a more robust sense of community for all of us who too often feel isolated and alone."
* p.43: Parents don't want the kid to overextend and burnout, but they also "equally fear a different outcome: missing the gold ring by just a few grade points, blowing the chance at that top-tier school. ... Most lack a clear concept of the long-term advantages their child might gain by pivoting in a different direction from community standards---advantages such as practice standing up for himself, resisting the status quo, articulating his point of view, investigating other options, and acquiring a sense of agency. All these skills are likely to serve a child at least as well as playing a season of high-school baseball."
* p.45: "A dad in Atlanta told me, 'You can always catch up on sleep and the emotional stuff later, but you can't undo bad grades and low test scores.' Every bit of evidence we have actually points in the opposite direction... it's tougher to learn life skills that you've skipped over or to recover from substance abuse or mental illness."
* p.48: "Sidestepping responsibility for an unpopular decision is a ploy our kids see through."
(That is, if you've decided the kid should follow through with something difficult, don't put the "blame"/"authority" on someone else e.g. "Grandma already paid for these lessons" or "Coach will be disappointed if you drop out" -- just own the decision you've made.)
* p.49: "...the brain learns best when its predictions are wrong. ... Those who see errors as opportunities to learn and try again are the people who will most quickly find new solutions. (This is how our children become resilient.)"
* p.65: Picky kids -- are they manipulative or just over-sensitive? Either way, "the response should be the same because the way to deal with an anxiety disorder is by exposure and the way to deal with manipulation is by refusing to play: 'This is our dinner tonight. Eat what you want and leave the parts you don't like. I'm not making anything else.'"
* p.67: An extra benefit of playdates: it's not just the socializing and exposure to other kids, but also to other *environments* -- inoculate against the anxiety of thinking that your own cozy home is the only safe place to be.
* p.77: "Behavioral control" = let kids know their limits and the consequences of crossing those limits, eg curfew vs driving privileges... but give freedom within those limits.
This is much better than
"Psychological control" = manipulating the kid's thoughts/feelings, guilting them into doing what you want... which leads to a sense of helplessness.
* p.106: "Always, our goal is to promote bravery and inquisitiveness. We're not going to win every round... A general thrust toward fearlessness and engagement is what we're aiming for..."
* p.108: Nice chart of age-appropriate chores & responsibilities, starting at ages 2-3 and going to ages 12+.
* p.110: "Tony Wagner... told me that he'd like to replace the word 'failure' with the term 'trial and error.'"
Stopped around here.
Plenty of good ideas, though with a (very strange to me) focus on how this advice will make your kids into competitive college applicants and valued employees. Why's it not enough to be good citizens and community members with strong character? I guess the target audience is those over-the-top helicopter parents who "need" to get the kids into the right preschool so they're ready for Harvard, etc? And it's easier to sell them this book by emphasizing
"teaching kids to be good people can *also* get them into Harvard"
rather than
"Harvard's not the only important thing"
(despite some mentions of that perspective too)?
* p.xiii: "...the vast majority of adults who consider themselves successful have had winding (what I call 'squiggly') life paths. So we'll look at the benefits of a squiggly path going forward, the pressing need for moral clarity, as well as how to incorporate a more robust sense of community for all of us who too often feel isolated and alone."
* p.43: Parents don't want the kid to overextend and burnout, but they also "equally fear a different outcome: missing the gold ring by just a few grade points, blowing the chance at that top-tier school. ... Most lack a clear concept of the long-term advantages their child might gain by pivoting in a different direction from community standards---advantages such as practice standing up for himself, resisting the status quo, articulating his point of view, investigating other options, and acquiring a sense of agency. All these skills are likely to serve a child at least as well as playing a season of high-school baseball."
* p.45: "A dad in Atlanta told me, 'You can always catch up on sleep and the emotional stuff later, but you can't undo bad grades and low test scores.' Every bit of evidence we have actually points in the opposite direction... it's tougher to learn life skills that you've skipped over or to recover from substance abuse or mental illness."
* p.48: "Sidestepping responsibility for an unpopular decision is a ploy our kids see through."
(That is, if you've decided the kid should follow through with something difficult, don't put the "blame"/"authority" on someone else e.g. "Grandma already paid for these lessons" or "Coach will be disappointed if you drop out" -- just own the decision you've made.)
* p.49: "...the brain learns best when its predictions are wrong. ... Those who see errors as opportunities to learn and try again are the people who will most quickly find new solutions. (This is how our children become resilient.)"
* p.65: Picky kids -- are they manipulative or just over-sensitive? Either way, "the response should be the same because the way to deal with an anxiety disorder is by exposure and the way to deal with manipulation is by refusing to play: 'This is our dinner tonight. Eat what you want and leave the parts you don't like. I'm not making anything else.'"
* p.67: An extra benefit of playdates: it's not just the socializing and exposure to other kids, but also to other *environments* -- inoculate against the anxiety of thinking that your own cozy home is the only safe place to be.
* p.77: "Behavioral control" = let kids know their limits and the consequences of crossing those limits, eg curfew vs driving privileges... but give freedom within those limits.
This is much better than
"Psychological control" = manipulating the kid's thoughts/feelings, guilting them into doing what you want... which leads to a sense of helplessness.
* p.106: "Always, our goal is to promote bravery and inquisitiveness. We're not going to win every round... A general thrust toward fearlessness and engagement is what we're aiming for..."
* p.108: Nice chart of age-appropriate chores & responsibilities, starting at ages 2-3 and going to ages 12+.
* p.110: "Tony Wagner... told me that he'd like to replace the word 'failure' with the term 'trial and error.'"
Stopped around here.
December 11, 2021
I guess it was my bad for expecting an education book rather than a parenting book. Kind of like when you drink a root beer when you are expecting a Coke. It leaves you with a bad taste in your mouth, not because you there is anything wrong with the root beer, but more because you were expecting a Coke.
But even as a parenting book, I found it loses touch with realty in the beginning a bit. The author is a psychiatrist or a psychologist or something who has most of her client base in Silicon Valley or somewhere, and they are too wealthy for their own good. And she slaps them down big time. Whatever you are doing as a parent, you are doing it wrong -- unless you are the author, then you can break whatever parenting rules she is establishing as her kids turned out fine. But perhaps those parents do deserve a good slap down -- like the family who's response to not allowing their teenager to go to a keg party, is to host their own keg party for her; or the family who gave their kid a $6,000 monthly allowance; or the family who hired tutors for their college student to go to classes, take tests, and write papers for them for all four years of college. Who are these people? This is not the real world, dear author, and it is hard to take anything you say seriously. And the tone is extremely condescending. Although, full disclosure, I listened to this as an audiobook, and it might have been, at least in part, the narration. It does get better later on in the book with some solid advice and things to think about. So, hang in there kitten.
However being familiar with the author's organization, Challenge Success, and other books by the author and her colleague, I was expecting a different book. It takes a village to raise a child. While parenting is an important part of the equation, I was expecting more about the school and society, and the role they play in preparing kids to thrive. Perhaps that will be in the next book. But, please, get a different narrator.
But even as a parenting book, I found it loses touch with realty in the beginning a bit. The author is a psychiatrist or a psychologist or something who has most of her client base in Silicon Valley or somewhere, and they are too wealthy for their own good. And she slaps them down big time. Whatever you are doing as a parent, you are doing it wrong -- unless you are the author, then you can break whatever parenting rules she is establishing as her kids turned out fine. But perhaps those parents do deserve a good slap down -- like the family who's response to not allowing their teenager to go to a keg party, is to host their own keg party for her; or the family who gave their kid a $6,000 monthly allowance; or the family who hired tutors for their college student to go to classes, take tests, and write papers for them for all four years of college. Who are these people? This is not the real world, dear author, and it is hard to take anything you say seriously. And the tone is extremely condescending. Although, full disclosure, I listened to this as an audiobook, and it might have been, at least in part, the narration. It does get better later on in the book with some solid advice and things to think about. So, hang in there kitten.
However being familiar with the author's organization, Challenge Success, and other books by the author and her colleague, I was expecting a different book. It takes a village to raise a child. While parenting is an important part of the equation, I was expecting more about the school and society, and the role they play in preparing kids to thrive. Perhaps that will be in the next book. But, please, get a different narrator.
April 30, 2020
"Ready or Not" is a must read for parents and educators uncertain on how to best set children up for success in the 21st century. Students are overwhelmed with the pressures of AP and Honors courses, college acceptance, debt and scholarships and extracurriculars - all on top of the stress of being a teenager. Many children cannot access AP and Honors material, but are pressured to reach for those astronomical levels. What Levine argues is that parents (and educators) can and should shift their focus from maintaining high academic rigor for children and shift that focus to building skills needed for the 21st century workforce.
With an economy constantly shifting, identifying necessary skillsets for post high school graduation is next to impossible. Levine suggests focusing on "soft skills," or what she calls "foundational skills." Once skills like flexibility, curiosity, tolerance, failure and collaboration are mastered, children will find success in high school and the career field they later choose. Our current workforce is experiencing a deficit in these skills: people do not know to work with one another, cannot build a community or have a narrow focus on what their potential prospects. Making students marketable and relatable, even interesting, mirrors what we all know adolescents need most: to find their identity, wrestle with the big questions of life, find their purpose, question authority, etc.
While often repetitive and, at times, hastily written, Levine points parents (and, by extent, educators) in a direction that creates a solid foundation for students to operate in the world, letting them choose their own adventure and become their own person. Parenting and education must sift with the changing times, and Levine offers one helpful insight on this.
With an economy constantly shifting, identifying necessary skillsets for post high school graduation is next to impossible. Levine suggests focusing on "soft skills," or what she calls "foundational skills." Once skills like flexibility, curiosity, tolerance, failure and collaboration are mastered, children will find success in high school and the career field they later choose. Our current workforce is experiencing a deficit in these skills: people do not know to work with one another, cannot build a community or have a narrow focus on what their potential prospects. Making students marketable and relatable, even interesting, mirrors what we all know adolescents need most: to find their identity, wrestle with the big questions of life, find their purpose, question authority, etc.
While often repetitive and, at times, hastily written, Levine points parents (and, by extent, educators) in a direction that creates a solid foundation for students to operate in the world, letting them choose their own adventure and become their own person. Parenting and education must sift with the changing times, and Levine offers one helpful insight on this.
March 18, 2020
I picked this up from the new books display at my library having read and enjoyed Levine's book The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids. Levine discusses what kids really need today, and it's what many of us had in our childhoods: boredom, outdoor play, and chores. She notes," . . . that we're just as addicted to devices as our kids are, but we have much less fun . . ." (8). Adults tend to look at doomsday news and then turn around and "overprotect and overdirect" our kids as a result (8). She discusses how children are no longer progressing through normal stages of adolescence the way they used to with far reaching consequences to the child's future, and the mental health issues that results from too much screen time and not enough face to face time. Perservernance (159) is so important that it trumps many other skills kids are pushed to acquire. Levine reiterates what other researchers have said about the mental load that women carry and cultural expectations of mothers that just aren't the same for fathers. Leading to Levine noting, "whatever the reasons may be, in my experience fathers rarely overreact to or blame themselves for their children's (perceived) poor behavior or performance, while mothers routinely torment themselves over it" (204). There's a lot of great information here including ways to fix things.
February 18, 2024
Nothing incredibly new here to mention, I just needed a quick audio book. A lot of her points are pretty common sense, or at least familiar if you've read any of her other titles. Some to concern myself about and maybe work on, some I can pat myself on the back about -- but isn't that a pretty good sum-up of the journey of parenting? I believe there are so many flavors of what works! Some things we shine at, and then others? At least for me, hopes and prayers that the Heavens will somehow make up for any lack.
I flagged a few favorite passages and here is one...
Several new studies indicate that the quality of the time parents spend with their kids is more important than the quantity, but quality is not related to special occasions or expensive outings. It has to do with the tone and intimacy of the activities we share in the course of an average day, eating, driving somewhere, doing yardwork, hanging out, shooting hoops, and the attitude of the parent involved. If parents enjoy the time they spend with their kids, that greatly contributes to the quality for everyone, so it may be simpler than we think. Within our hectic and overscheduled days, salvation may lie in the small moments and casual conversations that add up to a deep and enduring relationship with our children. (Chapter 9)
I flagged a few favorite passages and here is one...
Several new studies indicate that the quality of the time parents spend with their kids is more important than the quantity, but quality is not related to special occasions or expensive outings. It has to do with the tone and intimacy of the activities we share in the course of an average day, eating, driving somewhere, doing yardwork, hanging out, shooting hoops, and the attitude of the parent involved. If parents enjoy the time they spend with their kids, that greatly contributes to the quality for everyone, so it may be simpler than we think. Within our hectic and overscheduled days, salvation may lie in the small moments and casual conversations that add up to a deep and enduring relationship with our children. (Chapter 9)
September 17, 2021
Levine discusses what I would call parents inability to be individuals. Many parents still can't say no to what everyone else is doing, AP classes, private tutors, extremely competitive sports, helicoptering, ACT prep, saving their children from experience and anxiety. All the while creating a storm of depression, anxiety, and incompetence in their children.
With a quickly changing world where there will no longer be a single career for most people, it is more important to help our children have experiences that encourage growth, resilience, competence and flexibility. But what we see is the continued obsession with grades, scores, and programs. Children are set on a linear path with expectations that life will work that way. In reality life meanders and our social and economic climate change almost overnight.
With a quickly changing world where there will no longer be a single career for most people, it is more important to help our children have experiences that encourage growth, resilience, competence and flexibility. But what we see is the continued obsession with grades, scores, and programs. Children are set on a linear path with expectations that life will work that way. In reality life meanders and our social and economic climate change almost overnight.
March 28, 2023
A lot of really good takeaways, especially in part two. However, I have still not found a parenting book that doesn’t send a ton of mixed messages. Don’t be too involved w your kids, but make sure you are involved w volunteering and they come along. Make time for your own friends and don’t worry about missing their practices, but make sure you have lots of intentional conversations with your kids. Let them learn the hard way but if it’s affecting their mental health then you need to intervene even if they feel they can handle it.
I would have rated the book five stars if it consisted of just part two. I felt it gave a more clear path in decision making. When you add part one and three however you’re back to scratching you head as to what research says you should be anxious about and what you shouldn’t.
I would have rated the book five stars if it consisted of just part two. I felt it gave a more clear path in decision making. When you add part one and three however you’re back to scratching you head as to what research says you should be anxious about and what you shouldn’t.
February 27, 2024
I enjoyed this book. Unfortunately, my idea of who we are and why we are here is so wildly opposed to the authors, I can’t give more stars.
She has some helpful observations for the day and age we live in. But there’s so much I disagree with her about, I ultimately didn’t glean very much helpful info.
While todays digital age is unprecedented in many ways, I firmly believe Solomon’s observation that there is nothing new under the sun, and ultimately humanity has the same heart and soul issues today as we always have.
I also can’t agree that humans are basically good, and will make the right choice given the right privilege/circumstance. I believe anything we do that is good is a grace, a free gift from a Heavenly Father who loves us.
In other words, I enjoyed this book, but longed for the gospel and think the authors worldview would be much improved by it:)
She has some helpful observations for the day and age we live in. But there’s so much I disagree with her about, I ultimately didn’t glean very much helpful info.
While todays digital age is unprecedented in many ways, I firmly believe Solomon’s observation that there is nothing new under the sun, and ultimately humanity has the same heart and soul issues today as we always have.
I also can’t agree that humans are basically good, and will make the right choice given the right privilege/circumstance. I believe anything we do that is good is a grace, a free gift from a Heavenly Father who loves us.
In other words, I enjoyed this book, but longed for the gospel and think the authors worldview would be much improved by it:)
April 22, 2020
Sometimes repetitive. She does well to steer clear of politics until she decides to put one of the three major points as worrying about the planet.
While I agree that is important, I think it was redundant when she talks about reinforcing your values. For many people they are one and the same, but to pretend that environmental focus should be an equal priority alongside morality and other things comes across as pandering. She knows her audience - middle or upper-middle-class women who have time and money to spend on activism, and she knows this is something they’ll gobble up.
Now, that all said, I agree with her on most of her concepts and ideas, and think this is an excellent read if you understand the lens she is looking through.
While I agree that is important, I think it was redundant when she talks about reinforcing your values. For many people they are one and the same, but to pretend that environmental focus should be an equal priority alongside morality and other things comes across as pandering. She knows her audience - middle or upper-middle-class women who have time and money to spend on activism, and she knows this is something they’ll gobble up.
Now, that all said, I agree with her on most of her concepts and ideas, and think this is an excellent read if you understand the lens she is looking through.
March 28, 2024
While she had some good points about how parents are taking too much responsibility for their children's success, I did not appreciate the blatant political undertones sprinkled throughout.
Towards the end of the book, she calls climate change "the greatest threat" to the " well-being" of children. I would greatly caution taking advice from any psychologist who believes this.
Earlier in the book she references being aware of "ones own bias", making "ethnically sound choices", and speaks against "poisoned national politics", while also referencing "how it became clear that Russia used fake accounts and false reports on Facebook" to change the election. For someone who preaches recognizing "ones own bias", she seems pretty oblivious to her own.
Towards the end of the book, she calls climate change "the greatest threat" to the " well-being" of children. I would greatly caution taking advice from any psychologist who believes this.
Earlier in the book she references being aware of "ones own bias", making "ethnically sound choices", and speaks against "poisoned national politics", while also referencing "how it became clear that Russia used fake accounts and false reports on Facebook" to change the election. For someone who preaches recognizing "ones own bias", she seems pretty oblivious to her own.
June 20, 2020
This is a great book, but unfortunately there's nothing new for me. I will finish reading it anyway, because it's an easy read.
P.S., as a computer scientist, it's quite amusing to read the author's words on coding, AI, and digital fluency. With all the respect for her courage to come out of her comfort zone, I really think she should stay in her own expert domain.
The part I love most is her clients' problems and how she helped them. Actually that's why I loved her other books, very professional and with good information. But this book is more like a collection of essays. I am glad that I didn't spend my money on it.
P.S., as a computer scientist, it's quite amusing to read the author's words on coding, AI, and digital fluency. With all the respect for her courage to come out of her comfort zone, I really think she should stay in her own expert domain.
The part I love most is her clients' problems and how she helped them. Actually that's why I loved her other books, very professional and with good information. But this book is more like a collection of essays. I am glad that I didn't spend my money on it.
April 18, 2020
I really appreciated the first half (or over 70%) of the book. Very relevant to read about raising children in an ever changing world these days! Later the book was too US focused and some things are too speculative, ie women are not going to get equal pay just because they have more education, that is not the experience in Europe. But really enjoyed reading the book, valuable insights about not losing one’s identity in parenthood and about raising moral integrity and community responsibility in children.
May 6, 2020
If the youth are expected to be flexible and adapting, then so are all of us. Grades and sports are not the only events in kid's lives. They do help with the general goal of knowledge and exercise. But many other activities can easily fit into these two categories. Visiting cultural museums, volunteering, playing sports just for fun are all acceptable and less stressful. Keep a balance throughout life.
June 7, 2020
The most important thing to prepare our kids to to let them not be anxious about the uncertainty inherent in it. And the most important thing for us parents is not to be anxious ourselves. Kids learn from example. Be optimistic: after all, many jobs we have now were not even foreseen 30 years ago when we had no email, Internet, mobile phones and social media. So build up the soft skills of our kids: emotional intelligence, curiosity, risk taking, tenacity, resilience.
June 11, 2020
This book is a compilation of other people's work. The biggest take aways - join a religious community, fear the russians because they're always lurking nearby, be creative, because that is the single skill you will need to succeed in the automated life of the future. There are far better works on the subject the author tries to approach, and they are quoted in the first couple of chapters. My personal impression - a naive narrative attempting to generalize a complex issue
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 7, 2024
Although there is some good info in this book I kept running into the disconnect that this was more for an entitled class of parent(s) which I most definitely am not. The thought of letting my teen off for driving drunk bc it might hurt her chances to get into a good college or doing homework to make sure she gets a passing grade is so far out of my comfort zone that I cannot relate. Didn't realize parenting books should come with a class designation but this one definitely should have.
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