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Too Fat to Fish
Outrageous, raw, and painfully funny true stories straight from the life of the actor, comedian, and much-loved cast member of The Howard Stern Show-with a foreword by Howard Stern. When Artie Lange joined the permanent cast of The Howard Stern Show in 2001, it was possibly the greatest thing ever to happen in the Stern universe, second only to the show's move to the wild, uncensored frontier of satellite radio. Lange provided what Stern had yet to find all in the same place: a wit quick enough to keep pace with his own, a pathetic self-image to dwarf his own, a personal history both heartbreaking and hilarious, and an ingrained sense of self-sabotage that continually keeps things interesting. A natural storyteller with a bottomless pit of material, Lange grew up in a close-knit, working-class Italian family in Union, New Jersey, a maniacal Yankees fan who pursued the two things his father said he was cut out for-sports and comedy. Tragically, Artie Lange Sr. never saw the truth in tha
298 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2008
172 people are currently reading
1482 people want to read
About the author
Artie Lange
8 books78 followersArthur Steven Lange, Jr. is an American stand-up comedian, radio personality, and actor. Lange is most notable for replacing Jackie Martling on The Howard Stern Show, and as a member of the original cast of the sketch comedy series MADtv. Lange's first book Too Fat to Fish was released on November 11, 2008 and was named a New York Times best seller on November 21st, 2008.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 481 reviews
April 28, 2016
I knew the guy had substance abuse issues, but sheeesh! That's like saying Kim Kardashian had a little plastic surgery!
Too Fat to Fish is a no-holds-barred, tell-all that goes into great detail regarding the very depths comedian Artie Lange has sunk to. And apparently he's not finished. During the reading of this audiobook* Lange had to quit and have friends help him finish reading the book, because he was going through severe withdrawal symptoms after trying to quit heroine yet again. It is the broken record of his life.
If you know anything about him and his career, none of this will be a surprise. He's hitchhiking down the well-traveled road of the fat and brash comedian, à la Belushi and Farley, among others. What will surprise you is what a decent book this turned out to be. Yes, it is filled with self-deprecation, self-loathing, self...well, just self. But what do you expect? It's an autobiography by an addict. However, when he's not self-indulging, he gets down to some good old fashioned storytelling. His youth and upbringing is nothing out of the ordinary, but he's got tales to tell which can at times be funny, sad and even touching as hell.
* Yes audiobook. You think I would've picked this up if I wasn't able to breeze through it while driving, exercising, making dinner and taking dumps? Hell no!
Too Fat to Fish is a no-holds-barred, tell-all that goes into great detail regarding the very depths comedian Artie Lange has sunk to. And apparently he's not finished. During the reading of this audiobook* Lange had to quit and have friends help him finish reading the book, because he was going through severe withdrawal symptoms after trying to quit heroine yet again. It is the broken record of his life.
If you know anything about him and his career, none of this will be a surprise. He's hitchhiking down the well-traveled road of the fat and brash comedian, à la Belushi and Farley, among others. What will surprise you is what a decent book this turned out to be. Yes, it is filled with self-deprecation, self-loathing, self...well, just self. But what do you expect? It's an autobiography by an addict. However, when he's not self-indulging, he gets down to some good old fashioned storytelling. His youth and upbringing is nothing out of the ordinary, but he's got tales to tell which can at times be funny, sad and even touching as hell.
* Yes audiobook. You think I would've picked this up if I wasn't able to breeze through it while driving, exercising, making dinner and taking dumps? Hell no!
January 16, 2009
So this book was recommended to me by one of my managers, a guy who really doesn't read and pretty much the last person I would ever expect to get a book recommendation from. I don't listen to Howard Stern and didn't know who Artie Lange was before starting this book. I went for it based on the recommendation.
I am glad I did. This memoir had a bit of everything. In many parts it had me laughing, loved the "Too Fat to Fish story." I cried ( a rarity for me) when he was talking about his father. I felt a lot of empathy towards him with all of his ups and downs. I loved his brutal honesty, he doesn't hold back. Overall, the book left me thinking that he is a really sincere, good person, who has and is continuing to have, many problems. He's not perfect and doesn't pretend to be. I don't think you need to know anything about Lange prior to reading this book, to appreciate his memoir.
I am glad I did. This memoir had a bit of everything. In many parts it had me laughing, loved the "Too Fat to Fish story." I cried ( a rarity for me) when he was talking about his father. I felt a lot of empathy towards him with all of his ups and downs. I loved his brutal honesty, he doesn't hold back. Overall, the book left me thinking that he is a really sincere, good person, who has and is continuing to have, many problems. He's not perfect and doesn't pretend to be. I don't think you need to know anything about Lange prior to reading this book, to appreciate his memoir.
November 19, 2008
As a genius, I require highly intellectual stimulus to keep from getting bored. Fortunately The Howard Stern Show provides such stimulus and helps me think my genius thoughts. In this small way alone Howard Stern helps make the world a better place.
I was browsing on my Kindle a few nights ago and downloaded Too Fat To Fish on an impulse. It was between that and Shakespeare's comedies. I've read Shakespeare so many times that I decided to download the Lange.
I'm not sure what the opposite of "Know thyself" is, but whatever it is it would be Artie Lange's motto.
It's an interesting experience reading about a guy with a big heart who sabotages himself with such gusto. At first I was sad for Artie, then I was concerned, then I was annoyed, then I wondered how many more chapters were left. Since I heard him on Sirius earlier that day there was no suspense in the book -- I knew he was still alive.
The chapters about baseball and his dad are the most touching. I have a theory that baseball depleted Artie's serotonin like a raver abusing MDMA and left him struggling with depression for the rest of his life.
But I would recommend this book to anyone who enjoys funny stories that make you cringe more than a little.
I was browsing on my Kindle a few nights ago and downloaded Too Fat To Fish on an impulse. It was between that and Shakespeare's comedies. I've read Shakespeare so many times that I decided to download the Lange.
I'm not sure what the opposite of "Know thyself" is, but whatever it is it would be Artie Lange's motto.
It's an interesting experience reading about a guy with a big heart who sabotages himself with such gusto. At first I was sad for Artie, then I was concerned, then I was annoyed, then I wondered how many more chapters were left. Since I heard him on Sirius earlier that day there was no suspense in the book -- I knew he was still alive.
The chapters about baseball and his dad are the most touching. I have a theory that baseball depleted Artie's serotonin like a raver abusing MDMA and left him struggling with depression for the rest of his life.
But I would recommend this book to anyone who enjoys funny stories that make you cringe more than a little.
December 28, 2018
I tried to finish this but it just isn’t going to happen so DNF at ~57%
My husband and I used to listen to the Howard Stern show on Sirius Radio and we enjoyed Artie Lang on that show. He is a mess at most times but he seemed like a funny guy and his take on his life might be pretty interesting and funny.
We got the audio for a long drive during the holiday season and started it. Problem #1 started then. The first part of the audio was done by Artie Lang himself. I expected that to go better, I mean it is his book and he is a stand-up comic and voice personality so I really thought that his performance on his own stories would be better. But it was like he was reading out loud something he’d never read before. There wasn’t a lot of emotion or inflection to it and I thought it was a really flat performance.
The first set of stories are from when Artie is a baby and I thought a few interesting, but they were so second hand that I missed feeling connected. I did enjoy the ones from his teenage years a little more and I had no idea that his father suffered a fall that crippled him and while not a funny story I thought it was really interesting overall.
Then Artie gives up on trying to narrate his own book and hands it off to a few of the regulars on the Howard Stern show. I will say that I actually thought they narrated it better.
I totally knew that Artie had substance abuse problems but I guess I was not prepared for once this left his childhood to be all about that and only that. There is also the talk about how many women he has slept with and how with his amount of fame it should be more. It was all so shallow and empty and I guess I thought that he would have some deep insights but other than feeling guilty over what happened with his father there was little redeeming quality to anything else he said.
Maybe if you are a bigger fan of Artie and Company on the Howard Stern show you’ll like this more than I did but he can across as self-centered, offensive and self-destructive. It only got worse the more we pushed into his adult life so I peaced out since I hear there were no other shocking revelations to be made. This was definitely not fore me.
My husband and I used to listen to the Howard Stern show on Sirius Radio and we enjoyed Artie Lang on that show. He is a mess at most times but he seemed like a funny guy and his take on his life might be pretty interesting and funny.
We got the audio for a long drive during the holiday season and started it. Problem #1 started then. The first part of the audio was done by Artie Lang himself. I expected that to go better, I mean it is his book and he is a stand-up comic and voice personality so I really thought that his performance on his own stories would be better. But it was like he was reading out loud something he’d never read before. There wasn’t a lot of emotion or inflection to it and I thought it was a really flat performance.
The first set of stories are from when Artie is a baby and I thought a few interesting, but they were so second hand that I missed feeling connected. I did enjoy the ones from his teenage years a little more and I had no idea that his father suffered a fall that crippled him and while not a funny story I thought it was really interesting overall.
Then Artie gives up on trying to narrate his own book and hands it off to a few of the regulars on the Howard Stern show. I will say that I actually thought they narrated it better.
I totally knew that Artie had substance abuse problems but I guess I was not prepared for once this left his childhood to be all about that and only that. There is also the talk about how many women he has slept with and how with his amount of fame it should be more. It was all so shallow and empty and I guess I thought that he would have some deep insights but other than feeling guilty over what happened with his father there was little redeeming quality to anything else he said.
Maybe if you are a bigger fan of Artie and Company on the Howard Stern show you’ll like this more than I did but he can across as self-centered, offensive and self-destructive. It only got worse the more we pushed into his adult life so I peaced out since I hear there were no other shocking revelations to be made. This was definitely not fore me.
January 18, 2009
I probably wouldn't have read this but after hearing the travails of making the audiobook on the Stern show, I couldn't help but listen. Artie is a GREAT storyteller, but it definitely took him time to settle into reading. Good God! I think, what's this gonna sound like when Rev. Bob Levy takes over? Gary reads 2nd and it took me a while to remember that this was Artie's story and not Gary's because you get so used to the voices of the Stern show people. Rev. Bob was hilarious because he didn't sound half bad, but us Stern listeners know it was a struggle. In fact, he made me laugh out loud.
As for the story, Artie gets close to self awareness, and then dances away. He has too much guilt over his father's death, too much guilt for his own success, and too much guilt over small fuckups. I wish Artie the best, to allow him to be comfortable in his own skin.
As for the story, Artie gets close to self awareness, and then dances away. He has too much guilt over his father's death, too much guilt for his own success, and too much guilt over small fuckups. I wish Artie the best, to allow him to be comfortable in his own skin.
March 27, 2009
This was the worst autobiography I've ever read in my life. Artie Lange has lived a boring life, no different from any other loser alcoholic/addict. I was bored out of my mind the entire time and it took me 2 weeks to finish this because I kept putting it down. The only reason I stuck with it was because I kept thinking that it would have to get better!
The parts of the book where he describes vomiting and crapping all over himself are totally disgusting and absolutely unnecessary.
Save yourself some money and burn this book instead of a fireplace log.
The parts of the book where he describes vomiting and crapping all over himself are totally disgusting and absolutely unnecessary.
Save yourself some money and burn this book instead of a fireplace log.
July 30, 2015
This book has made me wonder about specialties in the field of ghost writing.
April 1, 2009
I heard Terry Gross interview Artie on Fresh Air, and he came across as such a sweet, self-aware, if screwed-up guy. I think that if I had "read" Too Fat to Fish as an audio book that same likable personality may have come across. But as I read it in print form, perhaps that is why I ended up being mostly frustrated and annoyed with his behavior. This was only worsened by the fact that right before I finished the book, I did a little online research to see what Artie is up to at the moment, and it seems that he is still screwing up his life in a big way. I guess I shouldn't expect every book to have a happy ending, particularly when it's a memoir and not fiction, but it was disappointing nonetheless. I want to root for the guy, but mainly he just bugs the crap out of me because he's given chance after chance to pull himself together, but he ultimately chooses his addictions each time. I feel for him, I just can't recommend this book.
November 28, 2008
I knew a lot of these stories from listening to the "Howard Stern Show". However Artie gives more details that were previously unknown to anyone but himself. It made for an interesting read overall. I felt the book was very sweet at times and made me wish Artie would just get his shit together already. If you're a fan of Artie or the Howard Stern Show its worth the read.
November 20, 2015
Reading Artie Lange's life story is like taking a long taxi ride with a guy from Jersey. Every thing that comes out of his mouth walks the line between being funny and offensive. But at the end of the ride you can't help but like the guy. 3.5 stars: four for the stories and three for the structure.
August 20, 2020
A very average autobiography. I think the big issue here is that this biography only covered the first 30ish years of Artie's life. While there's some funny stories here and some of the drug problems that I'd heard about, its just not quite enough and too early. Artie's drug issues took a HUGE turn in the last few years and that's really what I'd be interested in hearing about. Overall, there just isn't a lot here and Artie isn't all that entertaining in book form, in comparison to his stand up comedy, movies and time on the Howard Stern show. Skip this one.
April 13, 2019
I like reading memoirs of people I think are jerks. I understand more about him now and I have more compassion. I see similarities to myself in his story! But I still think he’s a jerk!
Jerk: someone who acts like a jerk (it’s mostly just the sexism and racism I find cringe-worthy).
Jerk: someone who acts like a jerk (it’s mostly just the sexism and racism I find cringe-worthy).
January 19, 2009
I was a little unsure when I received this book to review, but I was actually pleasantly surprised. Artie Lange, stand-up comic, actor, and a part of the Howard Stern show, did not sound like a book I would be able to get through. Yes, it was raw. Yes, it was crude, but certainly not to the extent I anticipated. In fact, this is a very personal, honest story of a man with many problems to overcome. Swinging back and forth between depression and paranoia, he is a perfect candidate for addiction of any type. Having lost his best friend - his father - at a relatively young age, has left him bereft and it would seem that his main issues begin around this basic time period.
Artie has told his story no-holds-barred. A comedian and an overachiever, with little self-confidence, he has taken his life, both good and bad, and laid it bare for all to see. He has had a profitable career, and he has spent a profitable career. His constant battles with depression and drugs is incredible, and he has been very fortunate with the support he has had. He obviously has a whole choir of guardian angels! There are laughs, particularly where the phrase “Too Fat to Fish” came from, and tears. Sometimes I wanted to comfort him and sometimes I wanted to shake him. Sometimes I just wanted to yell, “Don’t do it, Artie!”
I was most taken by the compassion that peeps through every once in a while in the book, and I was very happy that in the end he was able to feel he had accomplished a personal goal by entertaining troops in Iraq. Overall, this was a good story, probably not the last from Artie. For anyone who is a fan of Artie or Howard Stern or stand-up comedy, this is a no-brainer, you will enjoy it and learn a lot from it. For readers like myself, I admit I didn’t want to put the book down, it was a real attention grabber, so regardless of the crudity, I would recommend this book. It may even save someone’s life someday.
Artie has told his story no-holds-barred. A comedian and an overachiever, with little self-confidence, he has taken his life, both good and bad, and laid it bare for all to see. He has had a profitable career, and he has spent a profitable career. His constant battles with depression and drugs is incredible, and he has been very fortunate with the support he has had. He obviously has a whole choir of guardian angels! There are laughs, particularly where the phrase “Too Fat to Fish” came from, and tears. Sometimes I wanted to comfort him and sometimes I wanted to shake him. Sometimes I just wanted to yell, “Don’t do it, Artie!”
I was most taken by the compassion that peeps through every once in a while in the book, and I was very happy that in the end he was able to feel he had accomplished a personal goal by entertaining troops in Iraq. Overall, this was a good story, probably not the last from Artie. For anyone who is a fan of Artie or Howard Stern or stand-up comedy, this is a no-brainer, you will enjoy it and learn a lot from it. For readers like myself, I admit I didn’t want to put the book down, it was a real attention grabber, so regardless of the crudity, I would recommend this book. It may even save someone’s life someday.
May 19, 2014
I've always loved Artie, from the moment I saw him on MadTV and Dirty Work and then throughout the years on Howard Stern. So I was fully aware of his "Problems" before reading this book. It's an easy read, filled with some great stories. For the people who think he stories and drug problems are "out of control" I challenge you to read David Carr or Nic Sheff's memoirs. From what I read, Artie is most definitely an addict with a number of substance abuse problems form Coke, any Opiate, Booze and, rage. While he's had his hardships (being depressed for close to a year etc) for the most part, he always bounces back, yet always relapses. Its hard to think he's never "shot" any drugs, but hey maybe that's why he's never truly hit "Rock Bottom"
He's an extremely lucky addict, in the way of always being able to make good money, have friends and family forgive him, be on the Howard Stern show for so long, and now, have his own show. Well, I guess that's Hollywood for ya.
I wish he would've talked more about his time on Howard Stern, instead of just saying how fucked up he was most of the time. Maybe more stories with Gary, Howard, Robin, and well just some of the reasons why we all watch the show. Hopefully he will talk more about it in the second book.
I know the second book will touch more about his crazy drug and alcohol life, and while I'm excited to read about it, I certainly hopes he stays clean, cause he is a great talent, and if anyone has read this knows his body simply can't keep up with his destructive path.
He's an extremely lucky addict, in the way of always being able to make good money, have friends and family forgive him, be on the Howard Stern show for so long, and now, have his own show. Well, I guess that's Hollywood for ya.
I wish he would've talked more about his time on Howard Stern, instead of just saying how fucked up he was most of the time. Maybe more stories with Gary, Howard, Robin, and well just some of the reasons why we all watch the show. Hopefully he will talk more about it in the second book.
I know the second book will touch more about his crazy drug and alcohol life, and while I'm excited to read about it, I certainly hopes he stays clean, cause he is a great talent, and if anyone has read this knows his body simply can't keep up with his destructive path.
September 4, 2009
Boy... how did I come across this one? That's easy. I picked it up for my husband and, of course, it was in the bathroom ready to be read. It seems so natural that this read would begin on the toilet! Well, I started reading it and just kept coming back to it. Might as well admit it: This high-brow literary junkie is enjoying a guilty pleasure! From Dickens to Artie Lange! You can't say my tastes are not diverse!
Really though,if you want to better acquaint yourself with the psyche of an irreverent pig (no offense to pigs), read up on Artie, one of Howard Stern's cronies. I actually find him quite likable in his own embrace-your-vices kind of way.
Particulary funny is the terrific, HILAROUS reading group guide! As if!
Here's an example of a question available there:
1. Artie Lange begins his memoir by discussing his infantile incontinence. Struggles to control his bowels soon surface as a theme throughout the book. Do you think there is a connection between these instances and Artie's struggles with self-control? How does Artie's battle with hs bowels serve as both an obstacle and motivation throughout the book?
Hahahaha
Well I've finished now. A read as gratuitous as Artie's life. I enjoyed it though. No matter what kind of jerk Artie may act like, I still, somehow, against all common sense (?!), like him. Found in my bathroom and quite a good bathroom read.
Really though,if you want to better acquaint yourself with the psyche of an irreverent pig (no offense to pigs), read up on Artie, one of Howard Stern's cronies. I actually find him quite likable in his own embrace-your-vices kind of way.
Particulary funny is the terrific, HILAROUS reading group guide! As if!
Here's an example of a question available there:
1. Artie Lange begins his memoir by discussing his infantile incontinence. Struggles to control his bowels soon surface as a theme throughout the book. Do you think there is a connection between these instances and Artie's struggles with self-control? How does Artie's battle with hs bowels serve as both an obstacle and motivation throughout the book?
Hahahaha
Well I've finished now. A read as gratuitous as Artie's life. I enjoyed it though. No matter what kind of jerk Artie may act like, I still, somehow, against all common sense (?!), like him. Found in my bathroom and quite a good bathroom read.
February 9, 2009
I liked this book! I really didn't know too much about Artie before I read the book so I didn't bore me at all. This book made me never ever want to do any type of drugs, not that I ever wanted to before, but this shit made it offical, just reading the chapter pig in shit was enough. He really is a great story teller and it was pretty funny, more then once I laughed out loud. Hopefully he comes out with another book and maybe actually cleans up! But I guess that wouldn't be too much fun to read about.
May 23, 2016
As a long time fan and rabid listener of The Howard Stern Show, a book about Artie seemed like a good idea. I always knew he was a crazy gambling drunk addict off (and on actually) the air, and I wanted the details. I got them. It was fun to connect the dots between memorable bits from the show and what happened privately for Artie at the same time. There is comedy in here for sure, but I guess its mostly Artie's dark downward spiral into heroin and depression. Good book about a good guy with more baggage than an airport. Evey Stern-fan should read it.
January 25, 2015
I wasn't too sure if I would enjoy this book or not but picked it up on a whim. Some times autobiographies written by comedians can be really good, others are just self-indulgent nonsense. This was actually better than expected. Artie Lange is raw and open in this book; telling tales of horrid excesses and the costs associated with the same. There are parts that are laugh out loud funny and other parts that are cringe worthy. I will read his second book at some point. I do not feel the need to rush right out and get it now though.
Currently reading
December 24, 2008The stories are crazy. I wouldn't want to be friends with Artie, but I think he's kind of a genius. He is a story-teller and the way he sees the world and himself in the world makes for him stumbling in to the main gist of some screwed up stories.
When in a diner parking lot in his dad's handicapped van, he ordered a deluxe from his new Brazilian friend because that's what he would have called a parallel order if he were in the diner.
Brilliant and then all the sorrow for humanity sets in.
When in a diner parking lot in his dad's handicapped van, he ordered a deluxe from his new Brazilian friend because that's what he would have called a parallel order if he were in the diner.
Brilliant and then all the sorrow for humanity sets in.
June 19, 2016
Wow, what a book! I laughed out loud, shook my head over and over, and continuously thought this Lange guy is a firecracker! He's lot of fun until he's a complete liability. Once a year with this guy and kept at a safe distance is probably best for all. This book has a lot of incredible stories which could've been even more hilarious and astounding if they'd been written and edited better.
July 31, 2012
This far, the foreward written by Howard Stern has been the only bit that even made me crack a smile. If I wanted a thoroughly depressing and dull tale of drug abuse I would go to an NA meeting. Actually scratch that, those meetings are a blast!!
January 3, 2021
Really interesting book until it gets to Artie’s drug troubles in show biz. His upbringing and early 20s were fascinating but once he got to show biz it seemed like he became a lot like other troubled stars. Hope he’s doing ok nowadays
January 4, 2009
I love Artie...so I read his book. Already had heard many of the stories on the air, but enjoyed it anyway. Made me scared for him, even more than I was already.
Currently reading
February 28, 2009this is book is so damn funny!
May 5, 2023
RICK “SHAQ” GOLDSTEIN SAYS: “ALCOHOLIC… DRUG ADDICT… GAMBLER… OVERWEIGHT… FUNNY… LOVES HIS PARENTS!”
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This is the autobiography of TV-radio-movie-star-standup comedian- Artie Lange. This book will do a lot of things to you. It will make you laugh… it will make you cry… and it will make you truly worry… that this beloved “mensch “… will kill himself… sooner… rather than later… due to his addictions to alcohol, heroin, cocaine, pain pills, food, and a lack of exercise. (And gambling… how can gambling possibly kill Artie you may ask? From his habit of making large bets with money he doesn’t have… with the kind of people who won’t be laughing when they come to collect what Artie doesn’t have!) Everyone that cares about Artie… and anyone who reads this book will… has to shudder at his resemblance in appearance… talent… and destructive behavior… to the “late” John Belushi.
The author leads you from his childhood which included a courtroom appearance as a newborn to help convince a jury to give his Dad a second chance, during his trial for having stashed more than TWO-HUNDRED-THOUSAND-DOLLARS IN COUNTERFEIT MONEY BELONGING TO A BOOKIE IN A CABINET ABOVE THEIR FRIDGE. Artie loved his Dad with every ounce of his body and soul. His Dad was Superman to him. “As a kid, Artie was obsessed with baseball, and not much has changed since then. Like a lot of Fathers and sons, Artie and his Dad bonded over baseball more than anything else.” As Artie intimately shares his life with you… he shares the good… and the bad. The pinnacle… the absolute happiest day of Artie’s life was October 18, 1977. That was the day of the sixth game of the 1977 World Series between the New York Yankees and the Los Angeles Dodgers… the day that “MR. OCTOBER” Reggie Jackson with three consecutive swings of his bat… hit three consecutive homeruns… to clinch the World Championship… and ten-year-old Artie was there with his beloved Dad. When the last out was made… Artie states: “TO THIS DAY, I HAVE NEVER BEEN AS HAPPY AS I WAS AT THAT MOMENT. I THINK THAT DEEP DOWN, SUBCONSCIOUSLY, I HAVE BEEN CHASING THAT FEELING EVER SINCE. THAT TYPE OF RUSH, THE KIND THAT OVERCOMES EVERY BIT OF YOUR BEING, IS THE SAME RUSH YOU GET WHEN YOU FIRST CHASE MONEY AND GAMBLE. AND HEROIN? DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED. I’VE DONE BOTH OF THOSE OVER AND OVER AGAIN, AND EVEN AT THEIR BEST THEY DIDN’T MEASURE UP TO A FRACTION OF WHAT I FELT THAT NIGHT. I THINK MOST PEOPLE’S HAPPIEST TIMES OCCUR WHEN THEY’RE CHILDREN.”
Eight years later on October 18, 1985 “exactly eight years later, his childhood and the carefree part of his life officially ended.” “On the eighth anniversary of that day, my Father fell off a roof while installing an antenna and became a quadriplegic for the rest of his life. It happened one week after his eighteenth birthday.” On February 1, 1990 his Dad passed away. Artie always placed part of the responsibility on his Dad’s death on his own shoulders, because he was supposed to work with him that day and hold the ladder for him… but didn’t.
From that point on the reader needs to hold on tight as Artie takes you through a self-destructive jungle of booze-cocaine-heroin-pills-you name it… as he shares tales of life as a cab driver… a longshoreman… a waiter… a standup comedian… an actor… TV star… Howard Stern sidekick… all linked with one common thread… over indulgence of things that will destroy you. It is not pretty… and I don’t think the author intends it to be. Artie even comes clean by admitting, in depressing detail how he attempted to commit suicide… including his suicide note. Of course there is poignant humor along this maniacal path of debauchery… such as when he was working on MADtv and he had three hours worth of makeup applied to look exactly like a pig… including a “pig-snout” nose… but he got an unquenchable “Jones” for cocaine… so he snuck off the set while the whole crew was impatiently waiting… to go meet his drug dealer… who was taken aback when a human pig came for the cocaine buy. Perhaps the most rip-roaringly funny part of the book is when Artie “THE-PIG” battles to get a straw in his nose through the prosthetic pig-snout.
This is a thoroughly entertaining book… but it leaves you with the unsettling fear… that one morning on the news… the story is going to be about Artie Lange… following the path of John Belushi and Chris Farley as wild comedians who went too far…
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This is the autobiography of TV-radio-movie-star-standup comedian- Artie Lange. This book will do a lot of things to you. It will make you laugh… it will make you cry… and it will make you truly worry… that this beloved “mensch “… will kill himself… sooner… rather than later… due to his addictions to alcohol, heroin, cocaine, pain pills, food, and a lack of exercise. (And gambling… how can gambling possibly kill Artie you may ask? From his habit of making large bets with money he doesn’t have… with the kind of people who won’t be laughing when they come to collect what Artie doesn’t have!) Everyone that cares about Artie… and anyone who reads this book will… has to shudder at his resemblance in appearance… talent… and destructive behavior… to the “late” John Belushi.
The author leads you from his childhood which included a courtroom appearance as a newborn to help convince a jury to give his Dad a second chance, during his trial for having stashed more than TWO-HUNDRED-THOUSAND-DOLLARS IN COUNTERFEIT MONEY BELONGING TO A BOOKIE IN A CABINET ABOVE THEIR FRIDGE. Artie loved his Dad with every ounce of his body and soul. His Dad was Superman to him. “As a kid, Artie was obsessed with baseball, and not much has changed since then. Like a lot of Fathers and sons, Artie and his Dad bonded over baseball more than anything else.” As Artie intimately shares his life with you… he shares the good… and the bad. The pinnacle… the absolute happiest day of Artie’s life was October 18, 1977. That was the day of the sixth game of the 1977 World Series between the New York Yankees and the Los Angeles Dodgers… the day that “MR. OCTOBER” Reggie Jackson with three consecutive swings of his bat… hit three consecutive homeruns… to clinch the World Championship… and ten-year-old Artie was there with his beloved Dad. When the last out was made… Artie states: “TO THIS DAY, I HAVE NEVER BEEN AS HAPPY AS I WAS AT THAT MOMENT. I THINK THAT DEEP DOWN, SUBCONSCIOUSLY, I HAVE BEEN CHASING THAT FEELING EVER SINCE. THAT TYPE OF RUSH, THE KIND THAT OVERCOMES EVERY BIT OF YOUR BEING, IS THE SAME RUSH YOU GET WHEN YOU FIRST CHASE MONEY AND GAMBLE. AND HEROIN? DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED. I’VE DONE BOTH OF THOSE OVER AND OVER AGAIN, AND EVEN AT THEIR BEST THEY DIDN’T MEASURE UP TO A FRACTION OF WHAT I FELT THAT NIGHT. I THINK MOST PEOPLE’S HAPPIEST TIMES OCCUR WHEN THEY’RE CHILDREN.”
Eight years later on October 18, 1985 “exactly eight years later, his childhood and the carefree part of his life officially ended.” “On the eighth anniversary of that day, my Father fell off a roof while installing an antenna and became a quadriplegic for the rest of his life. It happened one week after his eighteenth birthday.” On February 1, 1990 his Dad passed away. Artie always placed part of the responsibility on his Dad’s death on his own shoulders, because he was supposed to work with him that day and hold the ladder for him… but didn’t.
From that point on the reader needs to hold on tight as Artie takes you through a self-destructive jungle of booze-cocaine-heroin-pills-you name it… as he shares tales of life as a cab driver… a longshoreman… a waiter… a standup comedian… an actor… TV star… Howard Stern sidekick… all linked with one common thread… over indulgence of things that will destroy you. It is not pretty… and I don’t think the author intends it to be. Artie even comes clean by admitting, in depressing detail how he attempted to commit suicide… including his suicide note. Of course there is poignant humor along this maniacal path of debauchery… such as when he was working on MADtv and he had three hours worth of makeup applied to look exactly like a pig… including a “pig-snout” nose… but he got an unquenchable “Jones” for cocaine… so he snuck off the set while the whole crew was impatiently waiting… to go meet his drug dealer… who was taken aback when a human pig came for the cocaine buy. Perhaps the most rip-roaringly funny part of the book is when Artie “THE-PIG” battles to get a straw in his nose through the prosthetic pig-snout.
This is a thoroughly entertaining book… but it leaves you with the unsettling fear… that one morning on the news… the story is going to be about Artie Lange… following the path of John Belushi and Chris Farley as wild comedians who went too far…
July 1, 2024
Not a huge Artie Lange fan or anything but found this for a dollar so I couldn't pass it up.
I've actually seen Artie live in New York at the Comedy cellar and it was cool. Sort of. He wasn't supoer funny or anything but It was cool to see a known comic. I saw him and Jeff Ross, both showed up unannounced and for an out of towner it was all I could ask for. Though my buddy who took me said last time he was there Ray Romano showed up unannounced and while I'm not a huge fan of any of them, Ray is a way better stand up than Artie or Jeff.
Anyways, this was alright. It got fairly deep into Artie's life which is what I was after. His childhood and his come up. Guy was an absolute animal and while his father's death is tragic, I don't think it justifies the way he is. I'm sure he'd agree, but he's a little too crass and not funny enough to counter balance it. Mostly he's just crude. I'm not really a fan, nor do I really respect Howard Stern. I feel like retroactively he's been given way more significance than he deserves. Talking about Howard here. He's not a good interviewer, he's not a good showman, horrible host. I don't think Artie deserves flowers for being associated with him.
Artie's whole drive and being ain't it for me. He speaks a bit on Norm and I wish he dwelled a little more on that, but this book culminates with his USO tour which I think a cop out. Pretty boorish American to expect a 180 from the audience because you support the troops, though that seems right up the alley of a Howard Stern fan. real lowest common denominator shit. I felt it a last minute attempt to justify why he's been such a huge piece of shit to everyone his entire life. He has more than 3 people who he says he loves and respects that no longer acknowledge his existence or talk to him and he "doesn't know why"
Cause you're a junkie dude. And you use and abuse people constantly. It was a bit funny and I'm glad to have read it, whoever his co-writer is likely rescued the whole thing, but I don't feel anything more for Artie having finished it. If anything I can safely conclude dude is just an asshole for assholes sake. Sorry about your Dad Artie. For real. Everything else you seem like a selfish prick.
this kind of took a turn here... I thought I was going to be a bit nicer but upon reflection I don't think he deserves the sympathy I had initially intended.
I've actually seen Artie live in New York at the Comedy cellar and it was cool. Sort of. He wasn't supoer funny or anything but It was cool to see a known comic. I saw him and Jeff Ross, both showed up unannounced and for an out of towner it was all I could ask for. Though my buddy who took me said last time he was there Ray Romano showed up unannounced and while I'm not a huge fan of any of them, Ray is a way better stand up than Artie or Jeff.
Anyways, this was alright. It got fairly deep into Artie's life which is what I was after. His childhood and his come up. Guy was an absolute animal and while his father's death is tragic, I don't think it justifies the way he is. I'm sure he'd agree, but he's a little too crass and not funny enough to counter balance it. Mostly he's just crude. I'm not really a fan, nor do I really respect Howard Stern. I feel like retroactively he's been given way more significance than he deserves. Talking about Howard here. He's not a good interviewer, he's not a good showman, horrible host. I don't think Artie deserves flowers for being associated with him.
Artie's whole drive and being ain't it for me. He speaks a bit on Norm and I wish he dwelled a little more on that, but this book culminates with his USO tour which I think a cop out. Pretty boorish American to expect a 180 from the audience because you support the troops, though that seems right up the alley of a Howard Stern fan. real lowest common denominator shit. I felt it a last minute attempt to justify why he's been such a huge piece of shit to everyone his entire life. He has more than 3 people who he says he loves and respects that no longer acknowledge his existence or talk to him and he "doesn't know why"
Cause you're a junkie dude. And you use and abuse people constantly. It was a bit funny and I'm glad to have read it, whoever his co-writer is likely rescued the whole thing, but I don't feel anything more for Artie having finished it. If anything I can safely conclude dude is just an asshole for assholes sake. Sorry about your Dad Artie. For real. Everything else you seem like a selfish prick.
this kind of took a turn here... I thought I was going to be a bit nicer but upon reflection I don't think he deserves the sympathy I had initially intended.
October 13, 2018
Artie Lange is a phenomenal storyteller!
As someone who has never really listened to Howard Stern, I wasn't sure if I'd like this when so many reviews are from fans of the show.
Let me just say, this is a fantastically well written book. I read a lot of celebrity memoirs, and I think this one quickly made the short list of books I'd recommend everyone read.
Artie is a master storyteller. The book is a chronological tale winding through his life, with all the associated ups and downs. He comes off in equal parts as a guy you'd love to hang out with, and a guy you'd be too embarrassed to bring around your family.
There are some fairly dark moments in the book, and the drug addiction is a recurring theme because it's a big part of his life. I think it's great that he wants to get past the addiction and hope it happens for him.
I'm so glad I picked this up when I saw it in a promo email.
As someone who has never really listened to Howard Stern, I wasn't sure if I'd like this when so many reviews are from fans of the show.
Let me just say, this is a fantastically well written book. I read a lot of celebrity memoirs, and I think this one quickly made the short list of books I'd recommend everyone read.
Artie is a master storyteller. The book is a chronological tale winding through his life, with all the associated ups and downs. He comes off in equal parts as a guy you'd love to hang out with, and a guy you'd be too embarrassed to bring around your family.
There are some fairly dark moments in the book, and the drug addiction is a recurring theme because it's a big part of his life. I think it's great that he wants to get past the addiction and hope it happens for him.
I'm so glad I picked this up when I saw it in a promo email.
January 4, 2018
I've read every single Book from the Howard Stern staff Universe and after Howard Sterns "Private Parts" this is probably my second favorite. It's interesting to find out about Artie Lange's life and his struggles with addiction and gambling. My problem with the book is that a lot of stories sound very exaggerated at times and He already discussed a lot of it on the show. The prostitutes for instance or when he shit in his bed but then again, It's Artie Lange and he's known to be the number 1 liar on the show....so sometimes I wonder if this even really happened. Regardless, the book is very enjoyable but keep in mind it won't change you life either. Love the dedication he wrote for Howard stern too by the way....So if you were a fan of Mad TV or the Stern Artie Era give it a try you Fla Fla flunkies!
November 6, 2018
I picked it up because I was at home and had just finished Carol. What a departure this was. He is definitely a good storyteller and it had it's touching moments but overall it wasn't for me. It got a bit repetitive on the drug addiction side, but that's the nature of addiction--repetition. There were moments that were really moving and heart-wrenching. Unfortunately, the way he talked about women as either hot, hookers, or virgin like mothers was not surprising but nevertheless really off putting. What does shine through is that despite all of his troubles, he is a genuine soul and is truly gracious for all the people who have helped him through his life. It's a fast, easy read but as a woman who is so over sexist comedy and sexism in general, I'm just not the audience for it.
May 4, 2025
A moving piece about the depths of addiction, pressure and culture of American entertainment, Artie Lange writes straight from the heart. I enjoyed this book, and empathized with Artie greatly. Throughout his life he worked in various blue collar jobs and as a longshoreman in Newark. I was surprised to learn about the union commentary, his day to day grind and the history throughout the decades—80s, 90s and early 2000s. If I had not read this book, I would have never taken an interest in his life or understood the horrors of his struggle or his resilience after he got clean. Parts of it are hilarious, shameless, embarrassing, but also emotional and heartbreaking. This book was overall beautifully and candidly written and worth the read. I would read another book of his.
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