Being Dead Is No Excuse: The Official Southern Ladies Guide To Hosting the Perfect Funeral

by Gayden Metcalfe, Charlotte Hays

Folks in the Delta have a strong sense of community, and being dead is no impediment to belonging to it. Down South, they don't forget you when you've up and died--in fact, they visit you more often. But there are quintessential rules and rituals for kicking the bucket tastefully. Having a flawless funeral is one of them.

In this deliciously entertaining slice of Southern life (and death), inveterate hostess Gayden Metcalfe explains everything you need to know to host an authentic Southern funeral. Can you be properly buried without tomato aspic? Who prepares tastier funeral fare, the Episcopal ladies or the Methodist ladies? And what does one do when a family gets three sheets to the wind and eats the entire feast the night before a funeral?

Each chapter includes a delicious, tried-and-true Southern recipe, critical if you plan to die tastefully any time soon. Pickled Shrimp, Aunt Hebe's Coconut Cake, and the ubiquitous Bing Cherry Salad with Coca-Cola are among the many dishes guaranteed to make the next funeral the most satisfying one yet.

Genres: Humor, Nonfiction, Cookbooks, Southern, Cooking, Food, Death

272 pages, Hardcover

First published March 16, 2005

About the author

Gayden Metcalfe was born in Greenville, Mississippi, where she currently lives with her husband. She is a garden club member, civic leader, founder of the Greenville Arts Council, and is active in civic institutions. She travels the country speaking about Southern etiquette, the art of conversation, and her books. She was the vice president of the Delta Council and was the publisher of Delta Wildlife Magazine.

Metcalfe lived for a time in Atlanta, where she worked for Saks Fifth Avenue. Her background is in merchandising. She was on the Young Designers Board of Genesco during that time.

Being Dead Is No Excuse was awarded a Southern Independent Booksellers Alliance (SIBA) award. It was also nominated for a Quill Award.

Reviews

[Grady Hendrix · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a child, I could never understand why some covered dish suppers were great and some were terrible. This book educated me.

[Jeanette · Rating 4 out of 5]

Absolutely fun. Tongue in cheek to dynamic humor coupled with some great number of recipes. Honestly, I would buy this for the recipes alone. I especially laughed at the elite and highly desired state of having your own family cemetery. And within several other strong connecting factors of food, there are immense parallels between this Southern paradigm and my Sicilian one. Even down to the cemetery placement dynamic. But especially with the food. Variety, degrees of multiple ingredients and complexity, NOT a store bought slick tray in sight. Although I do think there is a lot more wine in our version.

[Vintage · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hysterical and as much a slice of small town life where generations of friends and family are there to breathe down your neck and tattle to your mother as a depiction of the South, South with a capital S.

Gayden Metcalfe’s writing is smart, painfully and hysterically snarky, and on the nose for the social niceties about the one dark ceremony everyone experiences. I remember being dismayed when my mom died and her contemporaries showed up with deli platters. Didn’t they know they were supposed to bring casseroles made with one form of Campbell’s cream of fill in the blank soup?

This book provides the proper funeral etiquette, sincere or not, as well as some standard and non-standard funeral recipes.

Kind of a nostalgia read for me reminding me of some of my grandmothers and mom's idiosyncrasies and hissy fits about living in their small town (Anthony, Texas): the ongoing feud over my grandmother's best friend making a disturbing play for my grandmother's maid. Territorial issues abounded that somehow neglected the fact that said house cleaner had a mind of her own. The crushed plastic glass of '72 that was never resolved.

Then there was the epic Eggnog Orgy of 1947. My dad, an ex WWII Marine, and his less than beloved FIL, spiked the egg nog with so much rum and brandy that one guest had to crawl home and a lot of Methodists were very disgruntled as they fell for the the alcohol evaporates.

The author has written two other books, one on the perfect wedding and one being the perfect mother.

Forget the non-fiction stuff and write us some fun fiction please!

[Beth Hall · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was laughing so hard at one point my husband thought there was something wrong with me--and I think actually came downstairs to investigate (shocking).

I think it was when I was reading this part (I'm paraphrasing slightly here):

Southern Episcopalians wear their devoutness lightly. Perhaps this is why they are so good at funerals. They know how to mix the casual and the formal, the proper and the relaxed (or perhaps the proper and the highly improper.) No where has this sensibility been better summed up than in the words of Anne Dudley Hunt. (Of course she was Anne Dudley Something-Else at the time. One Easter Even--that's Episcopalian for the day before Easter--Anne Dudley was hobbling around the kitchen bravely dyeing Easter eggs, despite her knees, which were bruised black and blue. "I just don't know," Anne Dudley said. "Did I hurt my knees yesterday afternoon doing the Stations of the Cross? Or did I do it falling down drunk last night?" That, in a nutshell is the spirit of Southern Episcopalianism.

Good stuff.

My brother heard the author reading this very excerpt on NPR and called me to tell me I needed to get the book (which I bought in our church gift shop), not knowing I already had it.

Differences between the Methodists and the Episcopalians, etc. Some good recipes too--Baptist punch (no booze) Methodist punch (some booze) Episcopal punch (lots of booze).

[Book Concierge · Rating 3 out of 5]

I first read this in 2008 and my review was succinct: "The Official Southern Ladies Guide to Hosting the Perfect Funeral" is charming and has some great casserole recipes.

I re-read this sort of by accident. I was visiting my brother in Tennessee and he handed me the book because so many of the ladies he knew had remarked about how much fun it was. I had just finished a heavier tome and really didn’t feel up to another dark read, so I started reading it, and quickly realized I had read it before.

But Metcalfe and Hays drew me in and would not let go. They have crafted a charming book on the etiquette of funerals in the South, specifically in the Delta, from the proper hymns to sing (depending on whether you are Episcopalian or Methodist), to the use of Cream of Mushroom soup, to the power of the restorative cocktail. They sprinkle in a wealth of anecdotes on colorful friends and relatives who have had proper send-offs and give us the recipes to create our own funeral masterpieces.

It's the prefect little book to keep handy around the house, where you can read a chapter or even just a couple of recipes now and again. It’s both funny and informative.

(Review updated: May 2022)

[Alexandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

I gave this book a five-star rating because it made me laugh until my stomach hurt. As the child of a Southern Methodist Mother who (despite her worldly travels) remained forever true to the power of a good Methodist casserole, the anecdotes were "family stories" told be an other. Having a Damn Episcopalian Yankee for a father provided the additional perspective on the way funerals and their surrounding rituals are done on both sides of the Mason - Dixon Line. My conclusion aligns with the author's- they're just better with food and strong beverages to smooth the passing for everyone. If you lack the insider experience of the funeral reception as a chance to showcase one's hostess skills, lionize cousin India Pearl's latent attributes (Bless her heart!), or just a basic ability to laugh at life's darker moments - this one probably isn't for you!

[Phogbound · Rating 4 out of 5]

Being dead in The South has obligations for both the mourners and the dearly departed. The recentsly Bereaved are responsible for magically summoning food, drinks and compansionship for both the family and themselves. Sadly, it is a culture that is being lost as its accolytes pass on to their own Reward. It wasn't always that way and this book shows why.

Thankfully, this book lays down the basics illustrated by anecdotes and memories. Even better are the old recipes interspersed throughout with such stalwart dishes ranging from tomato aspic to Harley's Pickles to Chocolate Chess Pie.

There is humor, common sense and a Southern warmth that stuck memories galore in me. While I come from a different part of the Delta (Greenville is a bit too high-tone for my tastes and I still hold that Episcopals are merely Catholics who flunked their Latin), the rhythm and feel of the narrative rings true.

Read it to sneak a peek at customs and culture that will soon be lost to this modern, bustling world we live in.

[Elizabeth Cottrell · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a delightfully hilarious book that is exactly what the title says, complete with delicious recipes appropriate for taking to the home of the bereaved, wakes, or funeral receptions. The voice is pure Mississippi Delta, but anyone, especially if you're from the South, will recognize these people, traditions, and situations surrounding one of the most predictable of life's passages: death. I found myself laughing out loud more than once. The chapter on Episcopalians vs. Methodists was a scream. As with most really good humor, there is a lot of truth and wisdom here too, and the "guide" part of the title is, in my opinion, fulfilled. This was great fun and an easy read, especially if you skip the recipes and just read the rest.

[Erin · Rating 2 out of 5]

Cute quick, slightly funny read. Really more recipes than humor though...

[Melinda · Rating 4 out of 5]

Re-reading in 2020
Rediscovered some fun recipes (Vodka cake!) and enjoyed the humor too.

***********************************************************
2009 Review
This book is a lighthearted read, bringing laughs and chuckles and remembrances of recipes all having to do with Southern funerals. The title indicates that "being dead is no excuse to have a poor funeral". So you should plan, be prepared, and make use of the tips and advice from these two Southern ladies. If you are from the Mississippi Delta area, or have family in the deep South, then you will find common ground laughing through chapters like "The Methodist Ladies vs. the Episcopal Ladies" and "Comfort Foods: There is a Balm in Campbell's Soup"!

Advice includes what kinds of music to use or avoid (do have "O God our help in ages past", "Lift High the Cross", and "For All the saints", but avoid "The Battle Hymn of the Republic", "Beautiful Isle of Somewhere", and "On Eagle's Wings"). Wondering what flowers are appropriate? Avoid carnations with or without glitter or any eternal (artificial) flowers. Traditional bouquets of roses or a covering for the coffin woven from yard like flowers are deemed very tasteful and appropriate for the well-bred Southerner. A last word of advice? "A good rule of thumb if you want to have a perfect Southern funeral: No hymns composed after 1940"!

The section on appropriate funeral foods is really where this book made me laugh hardest. "The Eternal Pantry -- A legacy for your children" has lists of foods to have on hand so that you are ready at a moment's notice to whip up that comforting funeral food for the family left behind. A slightly different pantry is stocked by Methodist ladies (boxed cake mixes and cream soups are staples) than is stocked by the Episcopal ladies (no store bought mixes). Items include ritz crackers, yellow cake mix, green beans, cream of mushroom and chicken and pretty much ANY creamed soup, French's canned french fried onions, pimentos, and slivered almonds. A note at the end of that section indicates that "if you combine any three items of like value on this list, you're likely to have made a funeral casserole"!

In each section, detailed recipes are included, which include my favorite "Vodka Cake" (prepared by the Episcopal ladies), the Methodist Ladies' Chicken Lasagna Florentine (butter pecans on top of lasagna?!?!?), poulet John Wesley (fried chicken, THE ecumenical dish), and Can't-Die-Without-It Caramel Cake.

In-between recipes and songs to sing (or avoid), are hilarious happenings at various funerals. In many I seemed to recognize some of my own relatives, for good or ill!

So I recommend this book for a good laugh and some good recipes! And I think I'll go check my pantry now to make sure I have the appropriate funeral comfort food!

[Margaret · Rating 3 out of 5]

I never read so much about aspic (which, despite being Southern to my toes, I have never tried) or Campbell's cream of mushroom soup in my life. Which was kind of the point, I guess. This book is a mixture of funny essays about throwing a funeral in the Mississippi Delta town of Greenville, Mississippi, and recipes for "funeral foods." (Mississippi, by the way, is very fun to type) Some anecdotes had tears of laughter rolling down my cheeks as I recognized familiar idiosyncracies - especially the parts about Episcopalians vs. Methodists. I really enjoyed the author's good-natured skewering of the St. James Episcopal Church Ladies - although I can never let my mother read this book...she'd recognize too much of herself in it.

Some of the recipes sounded interesting enough to try; many of them I'd sampled in person at one point or other in my lifetime of attending Southern events. I wish there had been a chapter on the "restorative cocktail"; I would have liked to have seen recipes for some of the drinks the author described.

The book had no feeling of conclusion, though. It just sort of...stopped. I wish the author had put in a last little anecdote - some wrap-up tale of humorous woe, a "And that's how we do it in the Delta!" concluding paragraph. Other than that minor complaint, I enjoyed this book. It was a fast, funny, informative read.

[Gina Clabo · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books I've read all year..I have giggled, laughed out loud and laughed until I cried I do have to go to Greenville, Mississippi just so I can just watch all the interesting people and my respect to the lost ones and to their families. Gayden and Charlotte I so would love to meet y'all you both did a wonderful job and can't wait to try these recipes for funerals and gatherings. My momma use to do the same thing many years ago she's been gone now 10 years and only two people brought something to our house she would have die if she knew that..I will for sure to be passing this book to my daughter.. plus I bought extra to give to friends.. you had me laughing on the first page thank you I needed it.. Recommend to all who would just love some good ole southerners and recipes to boot.. Gina Clabo

Yep rereading this still made me laugh (not in a disrespectful way) just how it was written is just the best. I still want to travel to Greenville, MS just to meet these classy ladies whom I've come to love. Still recommend to all. Now time to try making these recipes. Gina

[Stephen · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is hard to know whether to shelve this book under Thanatology or Cooking or Humour. It purports to be "The Official Southern Ladies Guide to Hosting the Perfect Funeral." It delivers on that promise -- not only a hundred recipes for funeral dishes traditional to the Mississippi Delta but also advice on hymns, flowers, notes, and all those other social graces which sort one into the upper and lower classes. Who knew there was such a dish as Bing Cherry Salad made with Coca Cola? Who knew that one may achieve a shortcut to tomato aspic by using a can of Campbell's Tomato Soup? Why do Episcopalians get to have cocktails at the reception when Methodists don't? The answers to these and many other important questions appear on these pages. And if you don't think this book is funny, you either know absolutely nothing about the American South or there's jus' somethin' real wrong with you.

[Ashley · Rating 1 out of 5]

Thought this would be a lot funnier than it actually was. Was written very tongue-in-cheek but that got old after a chapter or two. Recipes were included after each section, but most sounded quite unappetizing and were pretty old-fashioned. The book as a whole smacked of old-fashionedness, as a matter of fact.


Didn't care for this one. And I'm from the south!

[Myra · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a hoot!!! I haven't laughed that much in a long time.:-) Even the recipes are written with tongue in cheek:-)

[Tara · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t cook, at least not often. And as such, I don’t know that I’d trust myself recommending a cook book. Except this is so much more. A+++

[Sara]

Very white folks centric, but filled with witty thoughts and amazing recipes.

[Michele Leone · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was unexpectedly delightful and relatable. Love the humor and the recipes!

[Leslie Golden · Rating 5 out of 5]

Look, all of us who live in the South know the world perceives us as a bit "different." We have rules and codes of behavior for things the rest of the world ignores. But the fun comes when someone in the know,like Gayden Metcalfe explains those rules to the rest of the world and why making and breaking those rules can be a source of joy.

This book lightheartedly explains the South's great codification of and obsession with Death, a significant part of life below the Mason/Dixon. As tornadoes were the catalyst for social events in prairie childhood, so a visit from the Grim Reaper is here. There are the appropriate goods to offer the bereaved, (And Thank God, this book has recipes!) the appropriate remarks to make ("He don't look like hisself" is required in some areas) and the convoluted rituals we follow before we drop someone into the ground. (Hint: we can't have a funeral without potato salad)

All of this is explained with a comic touch and true understanding of the Southern Soul. Find the book and read it before you make another trip here or have to unpack your good black dress. It will help put the fun back in funeral.

[Dennis · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book as a research book for a play I'm writing. It was a surprise to learn it was a cookbook with spirited essays about the culture of southern delta funerals, centered in Greenville, MS. I knew about any true southerner's affection for the cocktail hour, the libation Olympics. They celebrate most anything and everything with a gusto not matched anywhere in the world, but I did not know about the casserole wars between the stalwart Episcopalians and the mild and meek Methodists, though. The recipes laden with Campbell's cream of mushroom soup made my stomach cramp at the thought, sorry Ms Metcalfe.

In the end, I liked this well-written book in a southern vernacular that recalls dialogue from a Tennessee Williams play. In competition for a family burial plot, a lady would up and die early to claim the piece of real estate, first. I don't know if it was the author's intention, but she gave view through a large picture window to a small region of our country that holds dear to tradition and manners, sadly, quite lacking elsewhere.

[Ann · Rating 4 out of 5]

Memories of Southern Style funerals came flooding back except that we didn't have any plantations where I came from but many of her stories caused tears of laughter
To roll down my cheeks. My third cousin who was a lot older than me but as fun as she could be was always worried that another cousin might get her spot in the family cemetery and constantly talked all of the nerve if the other cousin who might precede her in death. The food descriptions are perfect and true recipes for " the Dead Spread". My own mother decided that she be darned if she was going to be buried by either husband and decided to return to her family cemetery out on the lone prairie of the ghost town of La Casa, Tx. So that is where we took her ashes and as soon as we hit the Texas border, I sang " Deep in the Heart of Texas"" as her homecoming song. Her tombstone has a Lone Star carved on it with the epitaph " Always a Texan"" she was proudest of her Texas heritage . A delightful book about a tasteless subject!!!

[Clare · Rating 3 out of 5]

The title of this book is what caught my attention. Half cookbook, half humorous commentary on how southern families and communities cope with a death, it was a nice change from the heavier subjects that constitute my usual fare. From the planning of the funeral to the preferred hymns to differences in thoughts on bereavement from several Christian denominations, this book covers it all with wit. I found myself laughing out loud a few times.

The recipes are those most often prepared for the grieving families and they are pure comfort food. Most of them are either full of sugary sweetness or abundantly crammed with fats and/or carbohydrates, but are sure to sustain everyone through those distressing times. Apparently pimiento cheese is a particular favorite among the Delta crowd; the book includes six recipes for that dish.

This book manages to put a little levity into a somber subject without being disrespectful.

[Inken · Rating 4 out of 5]

Whilst not exactly laugh-out-loud funny, this endearing how-to book does bring a pleased smile to one's face as you read of the traditions, customs and entertaining eccentricities of hosting or attending a Southern Delta funeral. Also included are numerous recipes (which rely heavily on Jello and Campbell's cream of mushroom soup) and quite a few of them sound remarkably tasty! This is a sweet book but also full of wonderful Southern zingers, as well as many guidelines on the correct flowers and music and how to write an obituary that does not mention the deceased's unfortunate choices in husbands/mistresses/profession/drinking habits. Altho apparently it's completely normal and acceptable to pass out stone dead drunk in church after a particularly invigorating service. And if your Southern funeral does not feature tomato aspic with homemade mayonnaise you'll just die of shame.

[Susan · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a goofy little book that my sister gave me and I will pass along to our other sister just for the chapter "The Methodist Ladies vs. the Episcopal Ladies. It is a very Southern book based around Greenville, Mississippi with over 200 recipes for dishes delivered to homes in mourning. (Chapter 1 is "Dying Tastefully in the Mississippi Delta.") Six of the recipes are for pimento cheese aka "Delta pate" and all suggest homemade mayonnaise. There are lots of puns and you'll laugh when you really shouldn't. Reminds me of Fannie Flagg.

[Shelley · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of my favorite books of all times. It has some SUPER recipes in it but also has some outrageously hysterical stories. I laughed until I cried and absolutely understand these stories. I have many times heard that someone has died and either rushed home from work to fix a casserole or told my husband to go to the freezer and take one out to bake so we can get it to the family by suppertime. It is just a Southern thing. Would not be without this book.

[Red Dwyer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is uproariously funny. The recipes are dead-on ringers for the authentic food of the American south. The events depicted happen everyday. The attitudes are authentic.

After reading some scathing reviews, I have come to the conclusion those readers have never been to the south nor attended a funeral with people who recognize the attitude toward death which is part of southern heritage.

[Annette · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this humorous take on funerals- Southern style.
I have been part of the "funeral biz" through my work for a few years so this hit home- especially the food, the hymn choices and the uniquely southern traditions to being buried in the South.

In the style of Fannie Flagg's take on southern traditions, this is a laugh out loud book.

A must read for any true southerner, or someone who wants to understand their culture.

[Maddison Ebers · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was written preciously, if you liked the movie Steel Magnolias you will probrably appreciate the humor in this book. It has a quirky layout with funny small town stories and gossip intertwined with Delta recipes (half the book). This would make a cute coffee table book or gift for older generations.

[Maris · Rating 3 out of 5]

Part anecdotal satire poking fun at Southern customs, part recipe book, this book was funny and interesting. 3 stars bc half the recipes were appalling (frozen pea and bean sprout casserole??)
I will say, there seems to be a distinctive cultural difference between Delta Southerners and Appalachian Southerners.

[Amy · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was supposed to be funny. At least humorous. It is not. The premise revolves around the fact that you care about your social status both while you are alive and afterward. THAT is humorous. Not whether your funeral food includes tomato aspic.