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Raising Human Beings: Creating a Collaborative Partnership with Your Child
In Raising Human Beings , the internationally renowned child psychologist and New York Times bestselling author of Lost at School and The Explosive Child explains how to cultivate a better parent-child relationship while also nurturing empathy, honesty, resilience, and independence.
Parents have an important figure out who their child is--his or her skills, preferences, beliefs, values, personality traits, goals, and direction--get comfortable with it, and then help him or her pursue and live a life that is congruent with it. But parents also want to have influence. They want their kid to be independent, but not if he or she is going to make bad choices. They don't want to be harsh and rigid, but nor do they want a noncompliant, disrespectful kid. They want to avoid being too pushy and overbearing, but not if an unmotivated, apathetic kid is what they have to show for it. They want to have a good relationship with their kids, but not if that means being a pushover. They don't want to scream, but they do want to be heard. Good parenting is about striking the balance between a child's characteristics and a parent's desire to have influence.
Now Dr. Ross Greene offers a detailed and practical guide for raising kids in a way that enhances relationships, improves communication, and helps kids learn how to resolve disagreements without conflict. Through his well-known model of solving problems collaboratively, parents can forgo time-out and sticker charts, stop badgering, berating, threatening, and punishing, allow their kids to feel heard and validated, and have influence. From homework to hygiene, curfews, to screen time, Raising Human Beings arms parents with the tools they need to raise kids in ways that are non-punitive and non-adversarial and that brings out the best in both parent and child.
Parents have an important figure out who their child is--his or her skills, preferences, beliefs, values, personality traits, goals, and direction--get comfortable with it, and then help him or her pursue and live a life that is congruent with it. But parents also want to have influence. They want their kid to be independent, but not if he or she is going to make bad choices. They don't want to be harsh and rigid, but nor do they want a noncompliant, disrespectful kid. They want to avoid being too pushy and overbearing, but not if an unmotivated, apathetic kid is what they have to show for it. They want to have a good relationship with their kids, but not if that means being a pushover. They don't want to scream, but they do want to be heard. Good parenting is about striking the balance between a child's characteristics and a parent's desire to have influence.
Now Dr. Ross Greene offers a detailed and practical guide for raising kids in a way that enhances relationships, improves communication, and helps kids learn how to resolve disagreements without conflict. Through his well-known model of solving problems collaboratively, parents can forgo time-out and sticker charts, stop badgering, berating, threatening, and punishing, allow their kids to feel heard and validated, and have influence. From homework to hygiene, curfews, to screen time, Raising Human Beings arms parents with the tools they need to raise kids in ways that are non-punitive and non-adversarial and that brings out the best in both parent and child.
304 pages, Hardcover
First published August 9, 2016
750 people are currently reading
6024 people want to read
About the author
Ross W. Greene
16 books229 followersDr. Ross Greene is the New York Times bestselling author of the influential books The Explosive Child, Lost at School, Raising Human Beings, and Lost & Found. He is the originator of the innovative, evidence-based treatment approach called Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) described in these books. The CPS model provides a compassionate, accurate understanding of behavioral challenges and an evidence-based, non-punitive, non-adversarial approach for reducing challenging episodes, solving problems, improving communication, and repairing relationships.
Dr. Greene was on the faculty at Harvard Medical School for over 20 years, and is now founding director of the non-profit Lives in the Balance (www.livesinthebalance.org), which provides free, web-based resources on his approach and advocates on behalf of kids with social, emotional, and behavioral challenges and their parents, teachers, and other caregivers. He is also adjunct Associate Professor in the Department of Psychology at Virginia Tech and adjunct Professor in the Faculty of Science at the University of Technology Sydney in Australia. The many research papers documenting the effectiveness of the CPS model can also be found on the Lives in the Balance website. Dr. Greene and his colleagues consult extensively to families, schools, inpatient psychiatry units, and residential and juvenile detention facilities, and lecture widely throughout the world (visit www.cpsconnection.com for a complete listing of learning and training options). Dr. Greene has been featured in a wide range of media, including The Oprah Show, Good Morning America, The Morning Show, National Public Radio, The Atlantic, The Washington Post, and Mother Jones magazine. He is also Executive Producer of the forthcoming feature-length documentary film The Kids We Lose (www.thekidswelose.com), being produced by Lives in the Balance and filmed by Lone Wolf Media. He lives in Portland, Maine.
Dr. Greene was on the faculty at Harvard Medical School for over 20 years, and is now founding director of the non-profit Lives in the Balance (www.livesinthebalance.org), which provides free, web-based resources on his approach and advocates on behalf of kids with social, emotional, and behavioral challenges and their parents, teachers, and other caregivers. He is also adjunct Associate Professor in the Department of Psychology at Virginia Tech and adjunct Professor in the Faculty of Science at the University of Technology Sydney in Australia. The many research papers documenting the effectiveness of the CPS model can also be found on the Lives in the Balance website. Dr. Greene and his colleagues consult extensively to families, schools, inpatient psychiatry units, and residential and juvenile detention facilities, and lecture widely throughout the world (visit www.cpsconnection.com for a complete listing of learning and training options). Dr. Greene has been featured in a wide range of media, including The Oprah Show, Good Morning America, The Morning Show, National Public Radio, The Atlantic, The Washington Post, and Mother Jones magazine. He is also Executive Producer of the forthcoming feature-length documentary film The Kids We Lose (www.thekidswelose.com), being produced by Lives in the Balance and filmed by Lone Wolf Media. He lives in Portland, Maine.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 246 reviews
January 1, 2025
I felt this was a very interesting read. There is no parent who couldn't benefit from reading this. The sample dialogue between parent and child was really helpful, as it gave you a good idea of how to use the information in a realistic setting. The progression of the book was easy to follow, even if I had to flip to prior chapters a few times.
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January 16, 2021So, this book basically describes three different ways to solve problems with your kids. Plan A: Impose. Plan B: Listen and find solutions that address their needs and yours. Plan C: Adjust your expectations (and maybe ignore your own needs).
It was clearly written under the pretense that EVERYONE gravitates toward Plan A. Personally, I doubt the folks that really do that would ever pick up a book about “creating collaborative partnerships with your kids.” But most of the book was spent trying to convince those people to try this other thing.
For me, I tend to be an under-functioner under anxiety, so I gravitate toward Plan C. This book... doesn’t seem to think people like me exist. But we do, and this book is probably not for us.
Did I need the section that quoted biblical scripture at me to convince me not to spank my kids? No. No, I didn’t.
Did this white dude author only reference other white dudes’ work? Yes he did.
Did sentences like, “The disenfranchised and marginalized among us seem increasingly willing to use extreme acts of violence to have their voices heard,” and “Along with some other historically subjugated groups - women, people of color - children have come a long way,” make me cringe? Yes, they did.
Where this book really earned the low rating from me: There is a hypothetical family described repeatedly throughout the book... the boyfriend is an emotionally and physically abusive piece of shit, who maaaaagically learns to show respect at the end. Fuck this shit. Plan B is not going to convince an abuser to stop being abusive.
Over all, I would say that if someone feels like they’re an over-functioner under stress and wants some guidance on what it looks like to slow down and listen... then go ahead and read this. But with a giant grain of salt.
It was clearly written under the pretense that EVERYONE gravitates toward Plan A. Personally, I doubt the folks that really do that would ever pick up a book about “creating collaborative partnerships with your kids.” But most of the book was spent trying to convince those people to try this other thing.
For me, I tend to be an under-functioner under anxiety, so I gravitate toward Plan C. This book... doesn’t seem to think people like me exist. But we do, and this book is probably not for us.
Did I need the section that quoted biblical scripture at me to convince me not to spank my kids? No. No, I didn’t.
Did this white dude author only reference other white dudes’ work? Yes he did.
Did sentences like, “The disenfranchised and marginalized among us seem increasingly willing to use extreme acts of violence to have their voices heard,” and “Along with some other historically subjugated groups - women, people of color - children have come a long way,” make me cringe? Yes, they did.
Where this book really earned the low rating from me: There is a hypothetical family described repeatedly throughout the book... the boyfriend is an emotionally and physically abusive piece of shit, who maaaaagically learns to show respect at the end. Fuck this shit. Plan B is not going to convince an abuser to stop being abusive.
Over all, I would say that if someone feels like they’re an over-functioner under stress and wants some guidance on what it looks like to slow down and listen... then go ahead and read this. But with a giant grain of salt.
May 13, 2016
#2106-aty-reading challenge--week-19: a non-fiction book.
I thought this was an excellent book on parenting skills--resolving problems with collaboration and teaching empathy and appreciation for another's point of view. Oh, if these skills could only be applied to the world at large, most especially the political arena!
Dr Greene lays out a three-step program for problem-solving in a collaborative partnership with your child, gives several examples, answers questions and gives advice about overcoming hurdles that may arise.
Many thanks to the publisher, author and NetGalley for the opportunity to read and review this excellent book!
I thought this was an excellent book on parenting skills--resolving problems with collaboration and teaching empathy and appreciation for another's point of view. Oh, if these skills could only be applied to the world at large, most especially the political arena!
Dr Greene lays out a three-step program for problem-solving in a collaborative partnership with your child, gives several examples, answers questions and gives advice about overcoming hurdles that may arise.
Many thanks to the publisher, author and NetGalley for the opportunity to read and review this excellent book!
August 23, 2016
Read my full review here: http://mimi-cyberlibrarian.blogspot.c...
At a family picnic the other day, my granddaughter (age 5) was having a hard time focusing on eating her dinner. There was a lot of food on her plate, and she had touched none of it. My daughter said to her, "I think that you have two options here: one option is to just sit here staring at your plate until the picnic is over. The other option is to come up with a solution with me about how much you need to eat and then eat that amount so that you can go and play." My granddaughter decided that the second option was the best. She said that she was worried that there was too much food on her plate. She and her mother figured out the amount she needed to eat; she ate quickly; and then got up to go play with her cousins. One of her aunts watched the entire exchange and remarked, "Gee, I wish I had known that strategy 10 years ago when I needed it."
In his excellent book, Raising Human Beings, Dr. Ross Greene has created a plan to encourage collaborative partnerships between parents and children that can help to resolve the many scenarios that parents and children have to negotiate on the pathway to adulthood. The goal, of course, is for parents to help their children develop skills to become independent without becoming adversarial.
To go back to my granddaughter's food situation. Dr. Greene suggests three sets of options, One option is Plan A, the plan in which the parents are in control. "You are going to sit there until you finish that food." Plan B is the plan my daughter chose. It takes into account the child's problem and together they seek to find a solution. Plan B actively uses three steps (empathy, define adult concerns, and invitation) to establish understanding and work in partnership to come up with solutions that address every party’s concerns.
Dr. Greene also offers Plan C in which the parent defers to the child's skills, beliefs, values, preferences, personality traits and goals. An example of this would be another granddaughter's decision not to play soccer anymore and to try out for the cheerleading squad, instead. Still athletic but more social. Her parents deferred to her decision-making skills, even though her father was disappointed because soccer had been an interest that they shared.
Raising Human Beings has a child rearing plan that goes way beyond the "Because I said so!" form of decision making to a much more collaborative and affirming style of parenting. Ultimately the child becomes a far more confident decision maker—ready and able to become independent. The reviewer in Publisher's Weekly concludes: "This book is a game-changer for parents, teachers, and other caregivers of children. Its advice is reasonable and empathetic, and readers will feel ready to start creating a better relationship with the children in their lives."
At a family picnic the other day, my granddaughter (age 5) was having a hard time focusing on eating her dinner. There was a lot of food on her plate, and she had touched none of it. My daughter said to her, "I think that you have two options here: one option is to just sit here staring at your plate until the picnic is over. The other option is to come up with a solution with me about how much you need to eat and then eat that amount so that you can go and play." My granddaughter decided that the second option was the best. She said that she was worried that there was too much food on her plate. She and her mother figured out the amount she needed to eat; she ate quickly; and then got up to go play with her cousins. One of her aunts watched the entire exchange and remarked, "Gee, I wish I had known that strategy 10 years ago when I needed it."
In his excellent book, Raising Human Beings, Dr. Ross Greene has created a plan to encourage collaborative partnerships between parents and children that can help to resolve the many scenarios that parents and children have to negotiate on the pathway to adulthood. The goal, of course, is for parents to help their children develop skills to become independent without becoming adversarial.
To go back to my granddaughter's food situation. Dr. Greene suggests three sets of options, One option is Plan A, the plan in which the parents are in control. "You are going to sit there until you finish that food." Plan B is the plan my daughter chose. It takes into account the child's problem and together they seek to find a solution. Plan B actively uses three steps (empathy, define adult concerns, and invitation) to establish understanding and work in partnership to come up with solutions that address every party’s concerns.
Dr. Greene also offers Plan C in which the parent defers to the child's skills, beliefs, values, preferences, personality traits and goals. An example of this would be another granddaughter's decision not to play soccer anymore and to try out for the cheerleading squad, instead. Still athletic but more social. Her parents deferred to her decision-making skills, even though her father was disappointed because soccer had been an interest that they shared.
Raising Human Beings has a child rearing plan that goes way beyond the "Because I said so!" form of decision making to a much more collaborative and affirming style of parenting. Ultimately the child becomes a far more confident decision maker—ready and able to become independent. The reviewer in Publisher's Weekly concludes: "This book is a game-changer for parents, teachers, and other caregivers of children. Its advice is reasonable and empathetic, and readers will feel ready to start creating a better relationship with the children in their lives."
July 15, 2017
As I ponder what to say about this book, I'm reminded of two quotes I like from another, Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone:
Greene builds the framework over the course of the book, developing each step in turn with numerous examples of putting it into practice in different situations. He explores potential pitfalls and failures, and includes a question-and-answer section in each chapter. It's very approachable and easy to understand (though did not make the most scintillating audiobook listening). It's definitely something I would recommend for every parent, educator, and caregiver.
Really, it's something I would recommend for everyone. Though this is very specifically about parenting, not much extrapolation is needed to think of it as something for managers and supervisors, as the roles and scenarios are very similar. And even without the power-dynamic roles, the approach to communication in general is one everyone would benefit from--after all, one of Greene's implementation examples is between not a parent and child but two parents.
People almost never change without first feeling understood.Though stated differently, those ideas lie at the core of the parenting approach Greene describes in this book. Parents can best help their children learn, change, and grow--and deal with difficulties and misbehavior--by starting with listening and empathy, then asking for the same in return. Together, parents and children try to fully understand the problem under discussion and craft a solution that addresses everyone's concerns. It is both a step-by-step, formulaic method to follow in each specific instance and a general framework for helping kids grow into respectful, independent, capable people.
The single most important thing [you can do] is to shift [your] internal stance from "I understand" to "Help me understand." Everything else follows from that.
Greene builds the framework over the course of the book, developing each step in turn with numerous examples of putting it into practice in different situations. He explores potential pitfalls and failures, and includes a question-and-answer section in each chapter. It's very approachable and easy to understand (though did not make the most scintillating audiobook listening). It's definitely something I would recommend for every parent, educator, and caregiver.
Really, it's something I would recommend for everyone. Though this is very specifically about parenting, not much extrapolation is needed to think of it as something for managers and supervisors, as the roles and scenarios are very similar. And even without the power-dynamic roles, the approach to communication in general is one everyone would benefit from--after all, one of Greene's implementation examples is between not a parent and child but two parents.
September 7, 2020
This book certainly challenged my thinking on how I approach problem solving with my children instead of for them. I've applied this a couple of times with my four year old and he is very eager to be a part of the process.
I do however feel that this is written through a very western lens, and growing up as a daughter of immigrants (Asian descent), I found many examples and passages unrelatable.
At times I felt as if I would rate this book a 5, then a 1, then a 4, etc...which I think shows the strength of the book in some ways to really challenge the unilateral approach most parents rely on. However, what really knocked the rating on this book down for me was a repeated example of an emotionally and physically abusive relationship between a mother and her boyfriend, which was shocking that the author chose such an example while completely ignoring the abuse. Really horrifying to me actually.
I plan on re-reading and applying the spirit of the principles presented.
I do however feel that this is written through a very western lens, and growing up as a daughter of immigrants (Asian descent), I found many examples and passages unrelatable.
At times I felt as if I would rate this book a 5, then a 1, then a 4, etc...which I think shows the strength of the book in some ways to really challenge the unilateral approach most parents rely on. However, what really knocked the rating on this book down for me was a repeated example of an emotionally and physically abusive relationship between a mother and her boyfriend, which was shocking that the author chose such an example while completely ignoring the abuse. Really horrifying to me actually.
I plan on re-reading and applying the spirit of the principles presented.
August 25, 2020
Laughably bad. I finished the book so I will save you from wasting your time with this summary.
Kids do well if they can. If they can’t, use a chirpy voice and ask them “what’s up?”
Example:
“Hey I noticed you’re having trouble doing homework after school. What’s up?”
At this point your child will open up to you because they realize how much you care about them and their concerns. You will both come to a mutually agreeable answer without sweeping unilateral solutions that make kids angry. Because children are the equals of adults, you must compromise instead of telling them what to do.
This is how you build a better and more civilized society.
Kids do well if they can. If they can’t, use a chirpy voice and ask them “what’s up?”
Example:
“Hey I noticed you’re having trouble doing homework after school. What’s up?”
At this point your child will open up to you because they realize how much you care about them and their concerns. You will both come to a mutually agreeable answer without sweeping unilateral solutions that make kids angry. Because children are the equals of adults, you must compromise instead of telling them what to do.
This is how you build a better and more civilized society.
August 9, 2016
I highly recommend this book. It would make a great gift for parents with children of any age – but the younger the better. It’s easier to instill a sound pattern of parenting when the kids are young; although, this book does offer excellent examples of changing parental styles even when the kids are teenagers.
Over the years, I’ve read quite a few parenting books, and one of the things I’ve learned is: you do not have to agree with every single bit of advice offered within the pages. Take what works for you and apply it to your situation.
Ross W. Greene, PhD, has taken experiences from his twenty-five years of being a clinical psychologist and organized his advice in a very easy-to-read format. Instead of compiling pages and pages of never-ending advice and examples all in the same font and line spacing, the author (and editor and publisher, I assume) diversified the text. There are paragraphs where straight information is delivered, there are case studies presented in stories, there are Q&A sections, and there are plenty of subtitles to help keep you engaged with the book. While most of the writing is excellent, Greene does like to start sentences with the word “but” and he loves his creative dialogue tags such as hissed, mumbled, grumbled, and protested. None of which actually took away from the overall content, but it was distracting to me.
While I loved and agreed with much of Greene’s advice, I will tell you that I let my babies cry themselves to sleep in their cribs. After reading this book, if I had to do all over again, I would still let my babies cry themselves to sleep. And yet, I am certainly one to advocate parents considering alternatives to figure out what works best for them.
Greene’s straight-forward method of “Creating a Collaborative Partnership with Your Child” is one that will foster kinder human beings who are able to problem solve with empathy not only while growing up but also as adults.
Some of my favorite ideas and lines from the book:
“Identity achievement refers to a person who has both undergone the identity exploration process and has also developed a well-defined self-concept and identity. She know who she is, what she believes, and where she’s going” (page 24).
“What’s best for him is likely to involve more ‘listening’ than ‘lessoning’” (page 35).
“Your child would prefer to be doing well” (page 39).
“But there’s another reason solving problems collaboratively is hard: many adults haven’t had much practice at it, having been raised by parents who were probably highly skilled at demanding and insisting” (page 81).
“I’ve worked with three-year-olds who had an easier time participating verbally than some seventeen-year-olds” (page 190).
“We live in the information age, and we are saturated with demands for empathy … sadly, that fatigue sometimes causes us to respond with less compassion and empathy in our interactions with our children…” (page 240).
Over the years, I’ve read quite a few parenting books, and one of the things I’ve learned is: you do not have to agree with every single bit of advice offered within the pages. Take what works for you and apply it to your situation.
Ross W. Greene, PhD, has taken experiences from his twenty-five years of being a clinical psychologist and organized his advice in a very easy-to-read format. Instead of compiling pages and pages of never-ending advice and examples all in the same font and line spacing, the author (and editor and publisher, I assume) diversified the text. There are paragraphs where straight information is delivered, there are case studies presented in stories, there are Q&A sections, and there are plenty of subtitles to help keep you engaged with the book. While most of the writing is excellent, Greene does like to start sentences with the word “but” and he loves his creative dialogue tags such as hissed, mumbled, grumbled, and protested. None of which actually took away from the overall content, but it was distracting to me.
While I loved and agreed with much of Greene’s advice, I will tell you that I let my babies cry themselves to sleep in their cribs. After reading this book, if I had to do all over again, I would still let my babies cry themselves to sleep. And yet, I am certainly one to advocate parents considering alternatives to figure out what works best for them.
Greene’s straight-forward method of “Creating a Collaborative Partnership with Your Child” is one that will foster kinder human beings who are able to problem solve with empathy not only while growing up but also as adults.
Some of my favorite ideas and lines from the book:
“Identity achievement refers to a person who has both undergone the identity exploration process and has also developed a well-defined self-concept and identity. She know who she is, what she believes, and where she’s going” (page 24).
“What’s best for him is likely to involve more ‘listening’ than ‘lessoning’” (page 35).
“Your child would prefer to be doing well” (page 39).
“But there’s another reason solving problems collaboratively is hard: many adults haven’t had much practice at it, having been raised by parents who were probably highly skilled at demanding and insisting” (page 81).
“I’ve worked with three-year-olds who had an easier time participating verbally than some seventeen-year-olds” (page 190).
“We live in the information age, and we are saturated with demands for empathy … sadly, that fatigue sometimes causes us to respond with less compassion and empathy in our interactions with our children…” (page 240).
February 28, 2020
Actually a pretty good listen. A LOT of repetition, but I guess that's necessary to drive a point home. He suggests a very interesting way of dealing with kids that I'd be interested to try out, though I do think he has unrealistic views on small children's ability to communicate... but still... coming from an abusive household this seems to be a method that I'd like to try as an alternative to what I experienced... maybe spare my son the trauma 🤣
September 25, 2024
Can be applied to the general adult, human populace. Better communication without resorting to blame games.
July 22, 2019
Not as great as I expected it to be. Some solid tips but maybe not the right book for the age of my child right now. I felt the footprints on the cover alluded that it was appropriate for younger children. All the examples are more for kids 8-16 or so. There's about a paragraph or so specifically for toddlers and how to adjust the approach for toddlers but honestly the example they gave was for potty training and not very helpful in my opinion. I will try to read again when my son gets older if needed. I guess I was a bit disappointed because I've heard some talks by the author and think he's really great but for some reason this one didn't deliver what I thought it would.
September 26, 2020
So with the major criticism of the emotionally and physically abusive relationship that is repeatedly used as an example throughout the book (I honestly couldn't believe the 'resolution' at the end of the book wasn't that the mom and kid left the abusive boyfriend and instead the boyfriend has a magical 180 and is all into the empathic process), along with other irritating things other reviewers have mentioned, I did like the breakdown of the the empathic, collaborative problem-solving, and I think it could be a helpful book for those who tend toward the dictatorial/imposing of solutions but want guidance on a more collaborative problem-solving method.
January 11, 2022
Just as good the second time around. This is a book that I find more helpful as my children age and become even more involved in the decision-making process. Incompatibility is bound to come up in every family, this book helps navigate those situations with empathy and honesty to find a mutually beneficial solution.
September 14, 2022
Fikir orjinal degil, hep tekrar ediyor. Teatral diyaloglar yazilmis. Bu tarz kitaplarin cok daha iyi ornekleri var.
May 26, 2019
There are a lot of parenting books out there, talking about punishment, reinforcement, positive parenting etc etc but I think that Raising Human Beings captures the crux of the matter, explaining the difference between working 'on' or trying to control your child versus working 'together.'
I know that such things can sound very airy fairy to some, but its an incredible valuable perspective that the author does a brilliant job explaining. The book certainly helped me as a parent.
I know that such things can sound very airy fairy to some, but its an incredible valuable perspective that the author does a brilliant job explaining. The book certainly helped me as a parent.
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June 7, 2016I liked the style of writing Dr. Greene has. He presents information and the reasons for his suggestions, he gives real-life dialogue and scenarios, and he also includes a sort of FAQ about each chapter's topics. I like that he addresses each concept with this detailed attention to suit many different styles of learning. I found myself drawn to the real-life situations and narratives and admiring how each situation unfolded rather than the question and answer portion (which I found more critical and tiresome).
I didn't agree necessarily with the idea to abandon the pattern of parental authority and decision making. I don't think it makes me a horrible parent or person for not allowing every.dang.thing to be an open discussion and collaborative problem solving experience-- especially not when the safety of my child (or other children) is at stake. There were times when I felt a bit demonized for relying on what Greene refers to as Plan A where as I saw some scenarios of using Plan B as capitulating to an immature human.
I appreciated his respect for children though and their emotions, and I'm intrigued to read his books about schools. I imagine I could glean much from what he has to offer about our approach to education.
I received a galley of this book via NetGalley for review.
I didn't agree necessarily with the idea to abandon the pattern of parental authority and decision making. I don't think it makes me a horrible parent or person for not allowing every.dang.thing to be an open discussion and collaborative problem solving experience-- especially not when the safety of my child (or other children) is at stake. There were times when I felt a bit demonized for relying on what Greene refers to as Plan A where as I saw some scenarios of using Plan B as capitulating to an immature human.
I appreciated his respect for children though and their emotions, and I'm intrigued to read his books about schools. I imagine I could glean much from what he has to offer about our approach to education.
I received a galley of this book via NetGalley for review.
May 9, 2021
Are you familiar with the 'this meeting could have been an email' meme? This book is like that. I do believe the book will have practical value for a lot of parents to solve problems and challenges with their children collaboratively (and grow their kids skills in doing so), it SO repetitive. To be honest, If you can find a two page summary of this book (or a checklist with his approach), you probably don't need to read the whole thing.
March 14, 2021
This was a very clear practical guide that targeted some of the struggles I have in terms of parenting as I was parented versus a more collaborative approach. I certainly believe in empathy and active listening but the process of determining if it’s even a problem that you’ll deal with (plan C) at the moment was a good way to break things down so they don’t feel overwhelming.
I also liked the overarching theme of being influencer, and fostering characteristics empathy, Appreciation of how one’s actions are affecting others, honesty, independence, taking another’s perspective and resolving disagreements in ways that do not involve conflict. Page 149. Also the concept of making inferences about one another from kids to parents and how those could be incorrect and we’re wrong a majority of the time. We then put in consequences or solutions to problems without taking into account one another’s perspective and this does not save us time.
Key themes: Kids do well if they can. Your child would prefer to be doing well. Good parenting means being responsive to the hand you’ve been dealt. (Pg 39) Noting that we all have options for how we handle our own concerns about unmet expectations and have a conversation about it. The key here that I also found liberating is we don’t all have the same perspective about the concern and sometimes using this active listening and empathy with the other parent to figure out how we’re going to use collaborative problem solving together first is perhaps a big part of the process.
I recognize that feeling a lack of control and living with one or many who don’t view some things as a concern or problem, leads me to want to punish or hold them accountable for better behavior and it doesn’t work well......actually Period.
I thought the examples and dialogue were very realistic and to me it’s focused on not good or great parents versus bad parents but increasing dialogue and understanding. The modeling in the goal that we have for a better community and actually has foundations for infant mental health and it was so interesting to be talking to an adoptive parent and wondering about how this might apply to her two year old and the next day started reading chapter 8 oh 181, where Greene talks about an enduring partnership beginning in infancy.... if I’d had this concept in 2004/2006 may have done things differently/better but Greene didn’t write this book until 2016, so glad to have read it now— think it offers a lot in the realm of parenting and the foundation of an important relationship built with respect and consideration for each of us as individuals with our own values, personality, preferences and skills— we all do better when we can. This book offers a process and strength based lens for all of us to work toward... there is also repair and the parallel process. Thanks Ross Greene for getting it and sharing it in an easily understood framework.
I also liked the overarching theme of being influencer, and fostering characteristics empathy, Appreciation of how one’s actions are affecting others, honesty, independence, taking another’s perspective and resolving disagreements in ways that do not involve conflict. Page 149. Also the concept of making inferences about one another from kids to parents and how those could be incorrect and we’re wrong a majority of the time. We then put in consequences or solutions to problems without taking into account one another’s perspective and this does not save us time.
Key themes: Kids do well if they can. Your child would prefer to be doing well. Good parenting means being responsive to the hand you’ve been dealt. (Pg 39) Noting that we all have options for how we handle our own concerns about unmet expectations and have a conversation about it. The key here that I also found liberating is we don’t all have the same perspective about the concern and sometimes using this active listening and empathy with the other parent to figure out how we’re going to use collaborative problem solving together first is perhaps a big part of the process.
I recognize that feeling a lack of control and living with one or many who don’t view some things as a concern or problem, leads me to want to punish or hold them accountable for better behavior and it doesn’t work well......actually Period.
I thought the examples and dialogue were very realistic and to me it’s focused on not good or great parents versus bad parents but increasing dialogue and understanding. The modeling in the goal that we have for a better community and actually has foundations for infant mental health and it was so interesting to be talking to an adoptive parent and wondering about how this might apply to her two year old and the next day started reading chapter 8 oh 181, where Greene talks about an enduring partnership beginning in infancy.... if I’d had this concept in 2004/2006 may have done things differently/better but Greene didn’t write this book until 2016, so glad to have read it now— think it offers a lot in the realm of parenting and the foundation of an important relationship built with respect and consideration for each of us as individuals with our own values, personality, preferences and skills— we all do better when we can. This book offers a process and strength based lens for all of us to work toward... there is also repair and the parallel process. Thanks Ross Greene for getting it and sharing it in an easily understood framework.
December 30, 2019
This book expands upon the principles for parent-child dialogue and problem-solving laid out in The Explosive Child. I find the sequence Greene proposes very helpful: showing empathy and acting listening, eliciting the child's perspective on a given difficulty, repeating back what the child suggests and asking for more information until you feel like you've gotten a complete picture; articulating the parent's concerns about the problem; asking for the child's thoughts on a realistic solution that would address both her concerns and the parent in a satisfactory way; and coming to a collaborative solution. (I type this out and realize I must be dropping a step because he says it's five steps, but this is the gist.) His model dialogues flesh these out, as well as missteps it is easy to take (like proposing a solution yourself in the listing your concerns step).
In this installment, Greene indicates that this model of household decision-making and problem-solving is just as helpful for children without behavioral problems as it is for the more challenging children he addresses in the first book. Some of the elements of The Explosive Child (oh, I hate that title!) that were very helpful for me (articulating ways that children get stuck or struggle with meeting expectations) are not as central to this installment. And Greene makes some generalizations about why this collaborative, empathetic approach is useful for the demands of the contemporary marketplace and the development of character that feel both vaguely true (what generalization isn't?) and slightly hokey (anytime you wander into the "citing David Brooks" territory, my skepticism alarm bells start going off).
That being said, Greene's philosophy is helpful and clear, and I have found even in my minor inaugural applications of it that it pays great dividends. Children want to be heard, and we too often dismiss (or think we already know) their concerns, which are both pressing and real. It's funny to think that one of the major implications of Greene's work is that adults ask children to be good listeners who consider other people's feelings and problem solve with their peers, while we continue to disregard their words, feelings, and ideas. It is easier, Greene contends and I agree, to take the time to listen and take their perspectives and concerns into account. Also, when they get the chance to think through solutions to the problem at hand, they are honing internal regulation and external collaboration skills they will use in their adult lives. Greene does a great job in this installment thinking through the lasting effects that such open communication can have on parent-child relationships beyond the childhood years.
In this installment, Greene indicates that this model of household decision-making and problem-solving is just as helpful for children without behavioral problems as it is for the more challenging children he addresses in the first book. Some of the elements of The Explosive Child (oh, I hate that title!) that were very helpful for me (articulating ways that children get stuck or struggle with meeting expectations) are not as central to this installment. And Greene makes some generalizations about why this collaborative, empathetic approach is useful for the demands of the contemporary marketplace and the development of character that feel both vaguely true (what generalization isn't?) and slightly hokey (anytime you wander into the "citing David Brooks" territory, my skepticism alarm bells start going off).
That being said, Greene's philosophy is helpful and clear, and I have found even in my minor inaugural applications of it that it pays great dividends. Children want to be heard, and we too often dismiss (or think we already know) their concerns, which are both pressing and real. It's funny to think that one of the major implications of Greene's work is that adults ask children to be good listeners who consider other people's feelings and problem solve with their peers, while we continue to disregard their words, feelings, and ideas. It is easier, Greene contends and I agree, to take the time to listen and take their perspectives and concerns into account. Also, when they get the chance to think through solutions to the problem at hand, they are honing internal regulation and external collaboration skills they will use in their adult lives. Greene does a great job in this installment thinking through the lasting effects that such open communication can have on parent-child relationships beyond the childhood years.
April 16, 2024
Raising Human Beings by Ross W. Greene is a good read for parents of children of all ages. I wouldn't necessarily say anything really new is covered, but Greene's communication strategies offer a unique framework for parents wanting to maintain strong connections with their kids.
Throughout the book, Greene uses dialogue-based examples to highlight the ways parents can build (or maintain existing) positive, guiding relationships with their kids. He uses specific examples, but they work to highlight how to apply parent communication strategies to many different ages and situations.
The book's primary focus is how to collaborate with children to solve problems, and how to use open dialogue to set goals and expectations while also building a foundation for kids to learn compassion, resilience, and grit.
Greene clearly identifies why coercion, bribery, and physical punishment do harm. He shares the importance of teamwork so that kids understand that pitching in and teamwork is an important part of being a family, home, etc. He shares that if we want children to understand right from wrong, selfishness from compassion, they have to learn that doing the right thing doesn't always have an intrinsic reward - and doing the wrong thing doesn't have to mean there is punishment.
The biggest takeaways are the dialogue-based strategies for establishing (or enhancing) a strong, open relationship with your child so that issues, goals, expectations and concerns can be tackled as a team.
I appreciated the final chapters that address the importance of clear expectations that encourage compassion, prioritize putting others first, establish clear communication, and promote the flexibility to try something again or try something new. Greene points at the importance of working against rapidly increasing trends toward selfishness, isolation, rigidity, and the inability to value differing opinions.
The author makes clear that this generation of kids is going to need strategies to make a difference in an incredibly divided, and often harmful, world. It's going to be increasingly important that we as parents prepare them.
Throughout the book, Greene uses dialogue-based examples to highlight the ways parents can build (or maintain existing) positive, guiding relationships with their kids. He uses specific examples, but they work to highlight how to apply parent communication strategies to many different ages and situations.
The book's primary focus is how to collaborate with children to solve problems, and how to use open dialogue to set goals and expectations while also building a foundation for kids to learn compassion, resilience, and grit.
Greene clearly identifies why coercion, bribery, and physical punishment do harm. He shares the importance of teamwork so that kids understand that pitching in and teamwork is an important part of being a family, home, etc. He shares that if we want children to understand right from wrong, selfishness from compassion, they have to learn that doing the right thing doesn't always have an intrinsic reward - and doing the wrong thing doesn't have to mean there is punishment.
The biggest takeaways are the dialogue-based strategies for establishing (or enhancing) a strong, open relationship with your child so that issues, goals, expectations and concerns can be tackled as a team.
I appreciated the final chapters that address the importance of clear expectations that encourage compassion, prioritize putting others first, establish clear communication, and promote the flexibility to try something again or try something new. Greene points at the importance of working against rapidly increasing trends toward selfishness, isolation, rigidity, and the inability to value differing opinions.
The author makes clear that this generation of kids is going to need strategies to make a difference in an incredibly divided, and often harmful, world. It's going to be increasingly important that we as parents prepare them.
May 12, 2019
Parenting = Leadership = Coaching
I really enjoyed this book - I did the Kindle/Audio combo and was really glad that I did. There were so many sections that I wanted to go back and re-read / highlight.
I have several top of mind take aways. First, was how the author discussed what parents want for their children - to help them on their journey to self-actualization or figuring out who they really are - what are their skills, beliefs, values, etc. (This reminded me of the Alchemist, by Paulo Cholho). My key take away here is that it is “Their Journey”. The author then describes what the parents job is NOT - it is not to mold a lump of clay into what the parent wants.
Next, I appreciated the idea of Incompatibility. The idea that children have tons of expectations put on them - from parents, school, friends, etc; and that problems occurs when the child struggles to meet these expectations. This simple concept really hit home for me and my 4 children - a lens to look at the challenges we have faced.
The next big take aways were the Plans A / B and C - or in my words, Tell them; Partner with Them; Let’s them Learn (they make a decision that you may not agree with, but you let them figure it out.)
The framework for approaching plan B was super helpful - Empathy (listen and understand what is going on); communicate the adult concerns / perspective; and co-create a solution of which you both agree.
Throughout the book, I could not help but think that this framework is so much more than a framework for parenting, it is really a framework for leadership and coaching.
I recommend this book to EVERYONE! From parenting to being a great co-worker or Teammate, the author provides an amazing perspective and framework for solving problems collaboratively.
I really enjoyed this book - I did the Kindle/Audio combo and was really glad that I did. There were so many sections that I wanted to go back and re-read / highlight.
I have several top of mind take aways. First, was how the author discussed what parents want for their children - to help them on their journey to self-actualization or figuring out who they really are - what are their skills, beliefs, values, etc. (This reminded me of the Alchemist, by Paulo Cholho). My key take away here is that it is “Their Journey”. The author then describes what the parents job is NOT - it is not to mold a lump of clay into what the parent wants.
Next, I appreciated the idea of Incompatibility. The idea that children have tons of expectations put on them - from parents, school, friends, etc; and that problems occurs when the child struggles to meet these expectations. This simple concept really hit home for me and my 4 children - a lens to look at the challenges we have faced.
The next big take aways were the Plans A / B and C - or in my words, Tell them; Partner with Them; Let’s them Learn (they make a decision that you may not agree with, but you let them figure it out.)
The framework for approaching plan B was super helpful - Empathy (listen and understand what is going on); communicate the adult concerns / perspective; and co-create a solution of which you both agree.
Throughout the book, I could not help but think that this framework is so much more than a framework for parenting, it is really a framework for leadership and coaching.
I recommend this book to EVERYONE! From parenting to being a great co-worker or Teammate, the author provides an amazing perspective and framework for solving problems collaboratively.
August 28, 2023
This was in-line philosophically with other recent parenting books I've read, but it fills an important gap: where all these books encourage you to really listen to your kids to try to understand the causes that underlie their disregulated behaviours, and while they note that doing that is more of an art than a science, this is the first one I've read that really provides anything like constructive guidance on how exactly to go about trying to go about taking on that challenge. It's part of broader guidance that forms the core of the book, on how to collaboratively solve problems with your kid, instead of defaulting to imposing unilateral solutions on them. This is also the first parenting book I've read where I didn't find the "real-life scenarios" annoying, but that they actually added something to the book.
I found the method the book sets out extremely helpful, although there is some weird stuff as well, of which I'll note two things. For one, though I agree (at least in theory) with virtually always pushing for collaborative rather than unilateral solutions, I think they actually go a bit too far. For example, they even propose that if your kid is uncomfortable starting kindergarten, that you might just stay in the kindergarden class with them all day, at least for the first week or two, until they get uncomfortable. The second thing is that although it's not a religious book, there's a bit of a weird and conspicuous reference to scripture and faith that often comes up.
I found the method the book sets out extremely helpful, although there is some weird stuff as well, of which I'll note two things. For one, though I agree (at least in theory) with virtually always pushing for collaborative rather than unilateral solutions, I think they actually go a bit too far. For example, they even propose that if your kid is uncomfortable starting kindergarten, that you might just stay in the kindergarden class with them all day, at least for the first week or two, until they get uncomfortable. The second thing is that although it's not a religious book, there's a bit of a weird and conspicuous reference to scripture and faith that often comes up.
January 20, 2021
Really liked the ideas in this book.
- Kids do well if they can. And they would prefer to do well.
- Deal with incompatibilities not the behavior. What skills are they lacking? Lacking proper motivation is not the cause.
- Control vs influence, power vs collaboration
- “I’ve noticed that [unsolved problem], what’s up?” With reflective listening. Then define adult concerns then collaborative problem solving
- Kids do well if they can. And they would prefer to do well.
- Deal with incompatibilities not the behavior. What skills are they lacking? Lacking proper motivation is not the cause.
- Control vs influence, power vs collaboration
- “I’ve noticed that [unsolved problem], what’s up?” With reflective listening. Then define adult concerns then collaborative problem solving
February 12, 2020
Clearly written. Applicable advice. A very solid approach to changing behavior and solving problems.
I have a master's degree in clinical psychology with behaviorial training. It was a difficult transition for me to go from behaviorism to collaborative and proactive solutions but I'm glad that I did.
This approach truly is effective.
I have a master's degree in clinical psychology with behaviorial training. It was a difficult transition for me to go from behaviorism to collaborative and proactive solutions but I'm glad that I did.
This approach truly is effective.
June 6, 2020
Has some good tips for discussing issues with your child, and they could work with anyone you need to discuss things with. I'm not a fan of the "Plan A, Plan B,..." wording however - I wish authors would just say what they're talking about rather than using coded lingo (hello "The Happiest Toddler on the Block").
July 18, 2019
Book is short and easy to listen. I liked because it provides concrete recipes and examples of using them over and over. Author's knowledge of parent's minds is just uncanny, it felt like he is reading my mind and provides ways to resolve whatever objections I have.
I already tried some of the stuff with my child and it works and it's easier than chaotic parenting I did before.
I'm going to buy paper version because of "technical" chapter which has a lot of things I just not able to remember.
I already tried some of the stuff with my child and it works and it's easier than chaotic parenting I did before.
I'm going to buy paper version because of "technical" chapter which has a lot of things I just not able to remember.
January 13, 2020
One of the best parenting books I’ve read. Although the “scenarios” were a little hokey, and there’s an over reliance on jargon, Greene’s clear, everyday language made it easy to understand his method and its benefits.
February 16, 2019
Absolutely brilliant! A guide not only to solving conflict with your child but out in the world at large!
February 19, 2021
Read this before. Still good. Works well with neuro typical people.
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