The Friend Who Got Away: Twenty Women's True Life Tales of Friendships that Blew Up, Burned Out or Faded Away

by Jenny Offill, Elissa Schappell

Losing a friend can be as painful and as agonizing as a divorce or the end of a love affair, yet it is rarely written about or even discussed. THE FRIEND WHO GOT AWAY is the first book to address this near-universal experience, bringing together the brave, eloquent voices of writers like Francine Prose, Katie Roiphe, Dorothy Allison, Elizabeth Strout, Ann Hood, Diana Abu Jabar, Vivian Gornick, Helen Schulman, and many others. Some write of friends who have drifted away, others of sudden breakups that took them by surprise. Some even celebrate their liberation from unhealthy or destructive relationships. Yet at the heart of each story is the recognition of a loss that will never be forgotten.

From stories about friendships that dissolved when one person revealed a hidden self or moved into a different world, to tales of relationships sabotaged by competition, personal ambition, or careless indifference, THE FRIEND WHO GOT AWAY casts new light on the meaning and nature of women’s friendships. Katie Roiphe writes with regret about the period in her life when even close friends seemed expendable compared to men and sex. Mary Morris reveals how a loan led to the unraveling of a lifelong friendship. Vivian Gornick explores how intellectual differences eroded the bond between once inseparable companions. And two contributors, once best friends, tell both sides of the story that led to their painful breakup.

Written especially for this anthology and touched with humor, sadness, and sometimes anger, these extraordinary pieces simultaneously evoke the uniqueness of each situation and illuminate the universal emotions evoked by the loss of a friend.

Genres: Nonfiction, Essays, Memoir, Friendship, Short Stories, Anthologies, Feminism

320 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2005

About the author

Jenny Offill is an American author born in Massachusetts. Her first novel Last Things was published in 1999 was a New York Times Notable book and a finalist for the L.A Times First Book Award.

She is also the co-editor with Elissa Schappell of two anthologies of essays and the author of several children's books She teaches in the MFA programs at Brooklyn College, Columbia University and Queens University.

Reviews

[Petra X · Rating 5 out of 5]

I need to read this. See The Online Self, my 'review' This is what I wrote (but it's people's comments on the 'review' that are more interesting).

Has this ever happened to you? My best friend doesn't think I'm a real person. I had a friend from 2012 on GR. In 2013 we formed a secret group and would chat several times a day, and email. Then in Nov 2018 her husband sold his business that she was GM of so she didn't need to be online so much and that was that. Communication more or less ceased.

I emailed her as to what I had done, no answer. I emailed again and got back a blistering, angry email in caps about it wasn't always about me. And telling me what I should have written instead. I had no idea how to reply. Any reply, any apology was going to include the word, "I" and therefore be all about me.

After five months we re-establish communications and she said she had wanted to talk to me during that time, but.... Then after a couple of messages, she tells me that if I write I am not being considerate of how busy she may be. Busy, she has no job now and just lives her extremely narrow, extremely luxurious life-style with just a few family members and no real life friends near by .

When you dnf a book and maybe write a review, you write negatives. I feel dnf'd. The woman is still on GR, still adding books, occasionally writing reviews. She doesn't chat any more, not even in the groups she moderates. She was bored with the online life, didn't need to do it any more as she is no longer working online. So, just as with a dnf book, it's not the fault of the reader, it's the fault of the book. Catch 22. 'You make me angry if you write anything that's about you' so you should write in this way but if you write at all, then it's all about you because it's not considering me and you are "breaking my balls".

For more than six years we were friends, chatting about everything multiple times a day. But her husband moved on, she has no online job, she has no need of GR for a diversion, she has no need of me. She was a real person to me, I was just like an ebook she dnf'd.

A year later she deleted her account and all comments, thereby ruining six years of conversation.

btw I never read this book so I'll give it 5 stars. Why not?

[Michelle Jones · Rating 3 out of 5]

The Friend Who Got Away is a collection of essays on friendships lost. More than I’d like to admit I’m haunted by friendships that were once very important to me but now no longer exist. So I was obviously the target audience for this book. While I enjoyed some essays very much I didn’t enjoy the book as a whole. I think I have to blame at least part of my dislike on my sensitivity to the subject matter. My longing for friendships past made me judgmental to the authors in the book who acknowledged that the death of a friendship was caused by their own deliberate actions. “I miss friendships that ended through nothing I intentionally did so how dare you whine about how much you miss the friend you intentionally hurt.” I became bitter at authors who say they think they possibly could salvage friendships if they’d just make the first step and write or call. But I became more bitter still at myself because I know the same holds true for me. If I’d only make that first step there are a couple relationships that could be salvaged but I know they wouldn’t be good. I know that they would only be based on the other person’s terms. But I want to be optimistic for other people so in my head I condemn those authors. “You’re being so selfish. Why won’t you just call her. She probably misses you and needs you and yet you just refuse to call.” I know I won’t call and I don’t want to chastise myself for it, so I chastise them.

That the essays all mark the end of friendships and not a single one offers any glimpse or hope of reconciliations is probably what bothers me most. Clearly it shouldn’t since I knew full well what the book was about. But while reading the few essays that I really related to I kept hoping that the last page would be about how the author had called, or the friend had sent a letter and they were repairing and rebuilding the friendship. I wanted some hope that deep, deep friendships, particularly between women, don’t die so easily and that there is always hope for the relationship to grow and thrive again. None of these essays gave me that hope and I don’t have that hope in my heart.
I’ll never read this book again, not by any fault of its own but because reading it just reminded me far too much of pains and longing that I try not to think about so much.

[Kirsti · Rating 4 out of 5]

I knew that Jen was reading this book, and I decided to get a copy for myself. I love the idea behind this book and nearly all the essays in it.

I'm a little confused about why the editors put the weakest and most polarizing essay first, though. Based on "Torch Song," I understand why so many people hate Katie Roiphe. Her essay is about stealing a friend's boyfriend, but it's the way she tells it that made my lip curl. Here's someone who compliments her ex-friend and then immediately implies that that person was too fat to keep a man ... someone who compares a destroyed friendship to a school shooting, which is the most offensive comparison I have encountered in a long time ... an Ivy League graduate who does not know how to use a spell-checker. In short, her essay annoyed me on many levels.

Jenny Offill's "End Days" is fascinating because the broken friendship is mixed up with fundamentalist Christianity and the Rapture.

Dorothy Allison's "Dangerous" is gorgeously written. I'll have to reread Bastard Out of Carolina.

I think the centerpiece of the book is Heather Abel's "Emily" and Emily Chenoweth's "Heather," because it was so interesting to read about the same friendship as described by two writers. It reminded me of Ann Patchett's Truth and Beauty. (I have to admit that I wouldn't want to be friends with Heather Abel because she seems so incredibly possessive and has such a zero-sum way of looking at the world.)

And Jennifer Gilmore's "The Kindness of Strangers" is horrifying and funny at the same time. Imagine if you emerged from a month-long hospital stay to find out that your best friend had appropriated your medical emergency and created enough paintings about it to have an entire gallery show. Large intestines everywhere--whee!

[Ciara · Rating 3 out of 5]

of course i had to read this because i am kind of the elder stateswoman of friendships that don't last. in fact, in the three days it took me to read the book, one acquaintanceship (probably considered a friendship by the other person) crashed & burned, & another has been strained possibly to the breaking point.

so, you know, i could kind of relate to a lot of what is in this book. many of the authors engaged in some very self-flagellating brutal honesty, & i think that's a good thing, because so often when a friendship falls apart, both parties portray themselves as hapless, innocent victims. everyone wants to tell themselves a story about how they are not to blame for being hurt or hurting others, & while it's true that sometimes you really do just accidentally throw your lot in with a total asshole, the larger reality is that sometimes people grow apart, or start to aggravate one another, or find that they actually just don't like each other. or betray each other. i can look back at some of the friendships i've had that didn't last & identify things i might have done differently to preserve the relationship--but when i balance those actions against the person i am or hope to be, i know i usually made the right choice, even if i wound up hurting someone or got hurt myself.

i will acknowledge that the twenty stories in this book have a sort of cloying sameness. they all feel like they were edited by the same person, who stamped each story with her own slightly overwrought, wafty voice. most of them are written by mid-30s professional writers living in or around new york city. an amazing number of them relate to pregnancy, miscarriage, or abortion. which makes sense, i guess. i have noticed that pregnancy puts a lot of stress on female friendships. i'm not even pregnant yet but i have already started culling relationships i have with people who i suspect will not be supportive of me as a parent. but still--a little diversity in authorial voice & reason for friend break-up would have fleshed out this collection a little.

it's nice to know, though, that i'm not the only lady who has lost friends, because sometimes i feel like i am. judging from some of the stories in this collection, it's a much more frequent occasion for me than it is for a lot of ladies (i, for one, never would have assumed that i would actually be life-long bosom buddies with my freshman year roommate from college; i feel like those kinds of friendships were built to be temporary), but it's still nice to know that pretty much everyone has these experiences & struggles with them.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's not often that I have dreams about a book I read. Or, at least, not ones that I remember. I had a very strange dream last night about a former friend that I can only explain by the reading of this book. Twenty women, writing an essay about the loss of an influential friendship and the aftereffects. Were they all masterfully written? Probably not. Did I see something relatable in every tale of loss? No. But there was something so human, so vulnerable about the authors opening up about their experiences that was very freeing to me, a person who makes friends pretty easily but has suffered losses both acted upon and acted out. It. was a good thing to reflect on relationships that have gone wrong or grown apart, to seek out life lessons or just enjoy the memories and experiences for what they brought to my life, and I really connected with a number of these stories and think it's a great thing to explore and not something that our society places adequate importance on. Friendship is a type of relationship that is so important and so often secretly lived out, as opposed to romantic relationships. It was great to delve into and now, OF COURSE, I have some newly discovered authors to check out. So much for whittling down my TBR shelf!

[Clare · Rating 1 out of 5]

When I moved back to Minnesota after a 3 month move to California, certain friendships that I had considered strong and valuable just weren't there any more.

I had to assess what went wrong - or what worked - and for a while I felt myself mourning the loss of that friendship.

It's a year later and I have several different groups of friends that nourish me in different ways. Once in a while, I will be reminded of this person, and get a pang of sadness.

So a book titled "The Friend Who Got Away: Twenty Women's True Life Tales of Friendships that Blew Up, Burned Out or Faded Away" seemed very appropriate for me.

But this book is soooo boring. These women cheat on their friends, make fun of them, and make the friends into mockeries of their true selves. I found the writing ordinary and superficial, but worst of all, I felt like I could identify not with the authors, but instead with the friends who died or were cheated on or pushed away.

Since it is a collection of essays by different authors, I have tried at least 5 stories and those I finished left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I won't be reading the rest.

[Gina · Rating 4 out of 5]

when i first came across my book, i thought who would want to read a book like that? why would someone want to read a book about broken friendships that never get resolved? how inspiring could that be? but the more i kept reading the book jacket and the intro, the more i found myself interested. i've been in similar situations before. i was curious to hear another's experience.
i found this topic to be different-- something that was very common, yet rarely ever written. it's compiled of short stories of different women whose friendships have gone wrong or just completely evaporated which i found myself connecting to instantly. i've been guilty of doing the same ploys and have also felt like a victim in other situations. however unfortunate the conclusion may be, the stories were written so brutally honest, i really appreciated it.

[Professor Weasel · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good collection of non-fiction essays. It felt a little East Coast, private college, Brooklyn writer heavy at times, but what can ya do. It made the essay set in Jordan really stand out. The pieces that most stood out to me were "End Days" by Jenny Offill (religious childhood friend), "Toads and Snakes" by Elizabeth Strout (very powerful tale of a long term friendship fading), and "Want" (about a copycat friend). The essays two estranged friends wrote about each other are also a cool concept.

[Miriam Cihodariu · Rating 4 out of 5]

Year beginnings always seem to create a time of drawing lines, conclusions and learning the best which can be learned from the year which ended. I too was trying to make sense of a bad experience. This brings me to this book, which I found pretty unique: it neither bemoans losses of friendship in sentimental terms nor is it strictly academical (although I gulp down gender studies exploring social ties and so on, so it wouldn't have been a bore for me).

I liked the fact that there is even a double story here - the same friendship's end told by the two sides involved in the break. I also liked that female friendship is brought into the spotlight, I think popular culture shied away from it traditionally (in the past century), encouraging women to be in competition with one another and encouraging the myth that female friendship is always more shallow or doomed compared with male friendship. It's good that books like this bring it again into a brighter light, but it seems that culturally speaking, we still have a long way to go until we unlearn meanness to one another and until we learn to be kinder in our friendships with other women so that the friendships don't end. Sadly, some of us will probably never learn that.

[Erin · Rating 1 out of 5]

My dislike of this book is mainly based off what I thought the book was about. Perhaps if I didn't have a wrong impression about the content, I would have liked it more.

I thought the book was about different authors reflecting back on friends that they lost and why those friends were lost. In the last year, I have lost several friends. While I mourn the loss of one of those friends, the others had served purposes in my life and were no longer needed (I know that sounds callous, but is true). For instance, one friend was someone that I could always talk to when I needed someone to listen. However, in the last year she got pregnant and spent her weeks calling to complain about being pregnant and how I should be grateful that I am infertile so that I can't experience being pregnant and then can't experience having children. She went as far as saying that God gave children to those that deserve it which explains my problem. Extreme example, but you get the point. It is a lost friendship, but it was one that needed to be lost. Reflecting back on the loss, reveals to me that probably I should have realized that while I thought she was a good listener, in fact she really liked to find out personal details that she could then gossip about to others.

Sorry for the tangent. Ok, this book is not written in a reflection mode (which is what I wanted). It is written in a story form with different authors relating the specific stories where they lost a friendship. I found many of the stories to be about shallow friends and shallow experiences. Most of the stories were lacking any real depth. I hated the first story and hated it so much that it spoiled any attempt to read the entire book.

The first story is about a girl that is drawn to the fat, goth chick in high school. Really?? That is what your friendship is based on? Because she is different and you want a friendship with someone that is different. Anyway, the author then slept with the goth chick's boyfriend even though she really didn't want to. Hmmm, I wonder why that friendship ended? Actually, I don't think it was really a friendship in the first place. What can I learn from this story? Well, don't become pseudo friends with someone because they are different and then don't sleep with their boyfriend because for some reason they would not like that.

Sigh. Anyway, some of the other stories are a bit more in depth. But, they are simply stories of where people lost friends. There is no real reflection of why those friends were lost or what the benefits of losing those friends were.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent anthology. I'm so inspired by the candidness of the writers to not only talk about their former friendships but also to be so upfront about their own transgressions. It is sad and moving and unfair and sweet and made me want to write my own story of the friendships in my life that have gone awry--if not to disclose and reveal and describe, then to discover what it is that actually happened. Highly recommend this.

[Sammy Milne · Rating 3 out of 5]

I loved the way these stories were put together. They spurred me on to examine my own friendships in life, and those friends "who got away" , who parted due to moving geographically, taking different paths, impact of sickness, and moving on. The read was painful at times. It made me value my friendships and it validated the importance of making an effort in loving, supporting, challenging, enjoying and spending time with my friends.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

There's so much of interest to discuss in this book. Some of the essays in this collection tell stories of friendships specific to a phase of life that would be expected to move on once that phase comes to an end, like the work friend we never really hung out with outside of work and didn't stay in touch with after leaving that job, or the childhood friend from school we eventually stopped replying to after one of the two friends moved away to a new state. Some of these essays even focus on a relationship that never became a friendship, or friendships that became romantic relationships, illuminating the personal growth of the author at that time in their lives.

While all of these stories are interesting and explore some of the complexities of our social worlds, the essays I found the most compelling are the ones that explore a true friendship that either spiraled into an unhealthy state and ended or changed dramatically. The subtle shifts in dynamics are due to all kinds of factors including financial status, physical health, death of a loved one, etc.

Some essays told fascinating sides of stories of how friendships drifted apart, like Elizabeth Strout's "Toads and Snakes," and Heather Abel and Emily Chenoweth's two perspectives on the same story. All of these stories show the complexities in how it can become impossible to be the person you need to be at some point along the way in a friendship, and the change supports your growth in the direction you need to go.

In Emily White's "Shelter" we see how friends from childhood, bonded by their similarly limiting circumstances with home and family and a shared dream, can't always last forever. I was surprised at how long this friendship survived.

Jenny Offill's "End Days" is a very nice story of a friendship that helped her grow and expand her knowledge and skills in a particular area, and also opened her mind. It sounded like a very positive friendship for both girls that also tested them on areas where they disagreed. The friendship died a natural death when one family moved away, and life moved on. A bit sad that letters went unanswered, but both girls were probably stronger individuals for having had that friendship.

"It Felt Like Love," by Vivian Gornick is an exquisite deduction of truth about friendship. She writes so many quotable insights in this compact story of a 10 year relationship. After putting it down upon conclusion of the last sentence I made a mental note to re-read this one.

Nicole Keeter's essay was an honest retelling of how the part she played was a piece of what drove the new girl away. It is also interesting how racial similarities did not draw the two girls together in friendship, but rather created a character to watch, follow and constantly compare themselves to.

After reading "Want" by Nuar Alsadir I was reluctant to read the next essay because there's so much here to dig into, and at the same time couldn't wait to dive into the next one because this is all just too good! This one examines how imitation can be both a positive catalyst for personal growth and have a dark side.

Patricia Marx's "Tenure" was so cleverly written and takes on a humorous tone. There is so much truth packed into this entertaining short piece. Whether she is describing one friend with annoying behaviors or I suspect several different friends, this format is very effective. It also explores the question of just how much are we willing to put up with from our friends. And are we happy with the boundaries or lack of boundaries we've set, or have we allowed ourselves to be pushovers over and over again for the sake of staying in the friendship? Marx is right on with the statement: "...I hold those I am really fond of to a lower standard than I do other people." She ends the essay on a clever, humorous note that seems to imply that she's had it with friends walking all over her and isn't looking to open herself up to the possibilities of more of the same.

Mary Morris's "The Other Face" was very well written and I loved how she used the Renoir painting itself to frame the story. A very interesting study of how money affects relationships, and it left me wondering about how each of the characters in the story made up a piece of the cause for distance in the friendship.

A very interesting read for anyone attuned to complexities in relationships.

[Dehlia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Like any collection of written work, there are some real gems mixed among the common stones. After all, it includes a number of shining star writers! The premise of the collection caught my attention, and held it, recalling the dear friends I have held for decades and those that have slipped away. The format is ideal for getting read before falling asleep, between court hearings, or other short snippets.

[Lisa Findley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Disregard the terrible cover that makes this look like a girl's guide to running with the big boys in finance or something; this is a wonderful collection of thoughtful, funny, terribly sad essays. The women in these essays reflect on the close friend they no longer talk to, what led them to that point, and how that former friend still affects them. Great stuff.

[Sof · Rating 3 out of 5]

broke my heart in a million little ways & refracted the light in a million little ways. friendship is fucking HARD and between people socialized as girls, it can be endlessly complex & complicated & knotty & passionate; queerplatonicism anyone. it's just as intense and devastating to lose a friend as it is to lose a romantic partner, for real—maybe even more indelible, for what we feel it reveals about our ugliest selves. anyways some of the essays in here made me cry several times because I recognized moments I've lived & felt deeply, unbearably, and never been able to truly, fully articulate—there's no cultural model for the heartbreak of a friend-breakup for anyone, but even b/w ppl socialized as girls, the 'models' we're offered are usually rife with misogynistic, patriarchal mythology of 'cattiness' and such unoriginal, stinking bullshit. my theory is that cis straight men are SO affronted & threatened by friendships b/w women & girls, because these friendships usually involve a devotion, emotional depth, consistency and complexity that most men can never quite reach. also cis men aren't culturally encouraged to even HAVE or maintain friendships other than surface-level, paper-thin, inconstant ones; they're taught to dump their emotional baggage on femme ppl & to let femmes take care of it all for them. ANYWAYS. this is a great anthology. I'm not usually a big fan of anthologies because often the quality of the pieces are widely ranging & not always great, but this one was rather consistently good.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought this was great. It's a topic so rarely written about or even talked about. I know people who think they need to stay friends with everyone they've ever been friends with, but this isn't always feasible or healthy, and I think it's good to acknowledge that friendships sometimes end. Of course the authors here wrote about the ones that still haunt them, so naturally there are no examples of a mutual drifting apart that neither party regrets, though that happens too. The friendships in this book ended for so many different reasons: death, moving, a betrayal, someone not knowing how to comfort their friend in a difficult time, lending money. I appreciated how many of the authors admitted to being the one at fault, since most of the time when we talk about friendships lost we tend to put it on the other person. And since the essays were by published authors (I'd heard of about a third of them), the writing was good too.

[Nora]

Mixed bag - some great, some blah. But really stunning to read essays from both sides of one friend breakup. The glory days of their friendship were so short, just a few months of their freshman year of college. But they spent years pulling apart and picking out painful stitches from their hearts. That felt very true to me.

Still haven't read anything that rivals this short story about the pain of a friendship dying: "Klara" by Alexandra Chang (https://www.guernicamag.com/klara/)

[Kassy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was hard to read in the sense that a lot of the stories rang really close to me and talked about aspects of friendship I haven’t really seen represented in books or film before.

[Jalisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

There isn't a lot of discussion of friend break ups so I really appreciated this collection. The stories uncovered the many reasons friends can drift from words left unspoken, to miscarriages, motherhood, illness and even death. The book really starts to hit its groove for me in the story "Other Women" and I think "The Kindness of Strangers" was a perfect story to end on because it brought into focus the things friendship cannot offer - the anonymity of being broken in front of someone who doesn't know you from the inside. For me, at the root of so many stories is the hardship of being fully seen by someone in your vulnerability and the fear that brings - fear that you'll be abandoned, feel that you'll be judged, fear that what you're feeling won't be honored and reciprocated. Overall, I think the book did a great job of highlighting how beautiful and how fragile friendships are because we don't have a socially agreed upon script for what we can expect and what we owe others to which we don't have a romantic or familial bond.

[Nessie · Rating 2 out of 5]

It's a book on friendships that have ended. It's full of misunderstandings, abandonment, natural drifting apart, and horrible actions told from a one sided perspective where we will only know one side of the story (minus the paired essays which does show both sides). It has terrible feelings like jealousy, bitterness, and despair. Some leave me doubting they ever truly loved their friend, others I can feel that ache of love in my bones.

Saying that though, one of the things forefront reading this was the knowledge that these are unreliable narrators therefore every action that seemingly comes out of nowhere left me wondering about the true story. The writers try to be introspective, and some succeed where others seem to just be trying to justify their actions even if they are outwardly admitting blame. I do appreciate those that tried to be subjective and talk about their own faults. Obviously every essay was not created equal.

Some of the stories worked me up. The story of the woman who slept with her friends lover was frustrating. She is admitting fault then trying to find a million excuses before again saying there was no excuse and then continuing to grasp at excuses. It's like she says it is her fault because she knows other people would (rightfully) see it that way but she herself doesn't believe it was her fault. It reeks of narcissism. I think it was a mistake putting this essay first, especially when most in the second half were easier to get through and connect with.

Another seemed to only have half understood the true problem in their friendship which wasn't that her friends didn't understand her which it seems she tried to place most of the blame on. It's the lack of communication and conflicting feelings. She doesn't like how her friends are trying to interact with her with consideration by not bringing her miscarriages up but also never tells them that. Just gets angry as a reaction. She has conflicted opinions on everything it seems. She wanted her friends to censor themselves and tiptoe around her but also hated the distance that naturally created. She wanted them to grieve with her just as much as she does and live their lives fully thinking about her grief which just isn't realistic. To a certain degree she understands that she is unrealistic and bitter but then doesn't directly relate it to their communication issues where she refuses to tell her friends anything, wants them to censor themselves around her, and then feels left out because they don't tell her absolutely everything. I really feel for her because 3 miscarriages must be horrible and I bet it's even harder watching your best friends having healthy pregnancies but I really think she needs to be stepping back from these friends herself and focusing on therapy.

The one from the perspective of a lesbian really disappointed me because the author seemed to not have or be able to draw lines between friends and lovers. Some horrible ideas were also just glossed over in that story (her friend / lover dying from overdosing on heroin for example). The way she saw people made me very uncomfortable as someone in the LGBTQ+ community.

Many of the women in this book came from well off families which was sort of odd, just an overall lack of diversity.

Some of the women in here leave me hoping I never befriend someone like them, a few of them hit home to my own experiences, and others- even if I can't directly relate- I feel for and my heart goes out to. There were some women that reading this made me proud of their growth from someone young and honestly a bit horrible to someone that understands how horrible they were and vowed to be a better person. I wish I could rate every essay individually. I rated with the idea that I do think most people could get SOMETHING out of the book. Validation, a sense of comradery for someone who has been in a similar position, or even just a trigger for some introspection of their own.

[Laurie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I also didn't really like this book.

I felt a lot of the women couldn't see what went wrong when I felt like it was obvious, or that the friendships ended over too trivial of a reason. Sure there were a couple that I truly felt for or could see myself in their shoes but for the most part it did nothing for me.

The best one is a sense was the one that was told from both sides. There at least we got to see how each person interpreted the situation.

I don't know if I agree that we assume friendships are "sturdier" than romances. I think it's more like we have more friendships than romantic relationships (or at least I do/did) and in many cases these friendships last from childhood (which would be long before any serious romantic relationship occurs) through to our adult life. Does longevity mean "sturdier"? I have current friends that I've known since second grade and I'm sure they know a lot more about me than my husband does but I don't think my relationship with my husband is any less sturdy because of this. At this point I'd be just as upset over losing my husband as I would a long time friend. I expect them both to be loyal to me and I am to them.

The main difference I guess is that in a true non-romantic friendship even when there are differences or disagreements the friends can usually work things out. They don't have to agree on everything or even compromise like one does in a romantic relationship.

[onedykerection · Rating 3 out of 5]

„the certainty that your friendship could survive anything and the startling heartbreak when it didn’t”

some of these essays moved me while others did absolutely nothing for me

some of these would probably not even be a friendship in my book but maybe that’s just me

it made me incredibly sad that not a single essay had a hopeful message about love persevering and people putting in work to make the friendship work

how often they just never spoke again hurts my heart but unfortunately i think that is exactly how friendships end a lot of times

here are some quotes that did make me feel a certain way:

„losing a friend is painful even wrenching a loss of this sort leaves a void that is impossible to fill“

“wonder if she would tell me why she deserted me now, when I needed her more than ever. As time passes, it gets harder to believe that I will let her back into my life and harder to believe she would try.”

“Her silence is so loud, it breaks my heart.”

„it was a kind of heartbreak, the kind that makes you wish someone never existed, the kind that is entirely uncharitable. I was—and remain—puzzled by how soon I felt done with being charitable.”

„For a long time after that, my love for Heather was a piece of glass in my heart; it hurt every time I moved.”

[Delores · Rating 2 out of 5]

I managed to get about half way through this book but it just didn't hold my attention. Therefore, I stopped reading it. I saw this book in the library, thought it sounded interesting; a collection of essays by women about the friend who got away - we all have one don't we? I'm not sure what I was expecting but the books was a bit of a downer. After a while, all the stories seemed to mush together, sometimes I felt like they were over edited. The slightly more interesting part was in the middle where two friends each recollected their memories of their friendship that dissolved. I think the book would have been better if all the essays were presented this way so you could "hear" both sides of the story and really understand why the friendship went south. Perhaps next time.

[Ana · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had recently gone through the major loss of a friendship - a friend of 22 years had "broken up" with me. I spotted this title at a library sale and thought that reading through these women's stories of broken friendships might help console me.

I think what I really wanted was to see an example like mine on the page and well, that's impossible. I'd have to write it myself wouldn't I? ;o)

Some of these were very well written and made you feel for the women involved while others just smacked of pettiness and ridiculousness. But I guess that's how friendships can be, so I can't fault this book too much.

Still, in the end it didn't help at all, so for that reason I can't recommend it. But then again, it was unlikely anything would :/

[Yules · Rating 4 out of 5]

Heather and Emily's two versions of the same friendship are alone worth the price of admission. As soon as I finished these two stories, I went back and reread them, so interesting it was to see their respective idealization, insecurities, and the paradoxical desire in a friendship to both merge and to retain space for the self. I tried to find out whether the two women reconnected after reading each other's essays, so obviously strong their love had been for each other, but could not. They made me wish that all the friends from each broken friendship had gotten to submit their own version.

"Flawless" and "Torch Song" were also very well-written, complicated essays. (While some of the others were weak by comparison and could easily have been cut.)

[Izetta Autumn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book a few years ago, and actually found it helpful and interesting. Recently, I went back to revisit it, and was surprised that so few womyn of color were represented - even as I was delighted to see favorites like Elizabeth Prose and Dorothy Allison. There also seemed no mention of cross-cultural friendships, which I think would have made the book even stronger and more interesting.

Even with all that, I agree with Jenny Offill that the topic of lost friendships often taboo or goes undiscussed. Overall a helpful, well-written collection of essays, that I've found myself revisiting - I always think that's a testament to how meaningful a book is.

[K M · Rating 4 out of 5]

More like a 4.5 - most of the essays were really good. Loved this paragraph from Patricia Marx:

If you and I ever become friends, we will remain friends forever. This is not because you are such a terrific person, though I'm sure that you are. (I've heard great things about you!) No. The credit-I hope you won't mind-must be assigned to me. I am the most easygoing, accommodating, nonjudgmental, and unassuming friend in the world, and if we ever meet, you better agree or else.

This made me laugh out loud - a bit of comic relief among the many poignant and thought-provoking essays.

[Judith · Rating 3 out of 5]

"I had a friend once with whom I was certain I would grow old. The reason I was certain was that by the time we were thirty we had already known each other fifteen years, and were just arriving at the starting point."

"Mark Twain wrote in Pudd'nhead Wilson, 'The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.'"

"The passing of time or an expensive therapist may make us believe that we can erase an unpleasant past, but ex-friends are nagging reminders that this is a false hope. They know our history, and they remember it. And for this reason they haunt us."

[Jen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Have you ever gotten those chain emails that say, "Friends are in our life for a reason or a season or a lifetime"? Well, this book contains stories about those "reason" and "season" friends. These tales made me feel less bad about the friends I've left behind or have been left behind by--it's a very universal experience, a part of being human. But also, by the book's end, I was getting pretty bummed out because it was just one sad story after another. However, it was interesting to read about the motivations, justifications, feelings, and reflections of the other people in these situations.