Healing the Wounded Heart: The Heartache of Sexual Abuse and the Hope of Transformation

by Dan B. Allender

First published in 1989, Dan Allender's "The Wounded Heart "has helped hundreds of thousands of people come to terms with sexual abuse in their past. Now, more than twenty-five years later, Allender has written a brand-new book on the subject that takes into account recent discoveries about the lasting physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual ramifications of sexual abuse.
With great compassion Allender offers hope for victims of rape, date rape, incest, molestation, sexting, sexual bullying, unwanted advances, pornography, and more, exposing the raw wounds that are left behind and clearing the path toward wholeness and healing. Never minimizing victims' pain or offering pat spiritual answers that don't truly address the problem, he instead calls evil "evil" and lights the way to renewed joy.
Counselors, pastors, and friends of those who have suffered sexual harm will find in this book the deep spiritual guidance they need to effectively minister to the sexually broken around them. Victims themselves will find here a sympathetic friend to walk alongside them on the road to healing.

Genres: Counselling, Psychology, Abuse, Christian, Mental Health, Self Help, Nonfiction

288 pages, Paperback

First published March 1, 2016

About the author

Dan B. Allender, Ph.D, is a fly fisherman who also serves as president and professor of counseling at Mars Hill Graduate School near Seattle, Washington. He is a therapist in private practice, and a frequent speaker and seminar leader. Dan received his M.Div. from Westminster Theological Seminary and his Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Michigan State University. He is the author of To Be Told: Know Your Story / Shape Your Future, How Children Raise Parents, and The Healing Path, as well as The Wounded Heart, Bold Love, and Intimate Allies. He and his wife, Rebecca, are the parents of three children.

Reviews

[Patty Betts · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Dan Allender gets it! He speaks directly to the heart of the abused in such a way you feel seen. This is the second book of his that I've read and I am eager now to begin the workbook. To step into the waters! I was touched by the way he ended the book:
"The issue of sexual abuse requires that we address the harm of abuse with everyone, especially those who are uniquely vulnerable to the misuse of power and lust: the poor; orphans; people of color; immigrants; the blind, deaf, mentally ill, and developmentally challenged; prostituted boys, girls, women, men; LGBTQ youth; child soldiers, the bullied and sexually harassed; and anyone else who has been used as a dumping ground for sexual violence. It is never enough merely to care for oneself and one's household. We are an extended family, and everyone who has known sexual harm is our brother and sister. Blood and tears bond us. Our bodies bear similar scars. We need to open the field of our hearts and begin the hard labor of clearing the land. We need to dream redemption for ourselves and others"

"She crafts beauty to awaken the heart to taste and see the goodness of God. She is a truth teller who uses her creativity to forge words, images, music and art to capture the heart...A prophet's art creates beauty that makes it difficult to accept injustices as it is"

Read this book if you're looking to continue your healing and see God work in amazing ways!

[Annette · Rating 5 out of 5]

Review:
The back cover synopsis of the book states, "millions of people" have "suffered abuse in the form of rape, incest, molestation," and other forms. That statement is hard to grasp. It's hard because a million abuse survivors is unconscionable. However, I now know I do not stand alone. One of the aspects of being abused is shame, but another is the feeling that I'm all alone in this horror. Shame causes isolation and this exacerbates the alone feeling. In 2015, I finally acknowledged, and aloud, that I had been sexually abused as a teenage girl. This began a pivotal moment in life. Counseling, journaling, reading books, and prayer helped. I even wrote anger letters, pouring my heart out on paper, vicious acerbic words, and then I shredded them. I have a good friend who said, "Annette it is like emptying your suitcase. Your suitcase is filled with memories both good and bad. You sort through those bad memories, working through them, and then you can remove them from the suitcase, it lightens the load, and you now have room for good memories in life." Healing the Wounded Heart has been a strong tool in helping me recover. I want to clarify something about recovery. Sexual abuse harms not just the body but the soul. Working through what happened and forgiveness is necessary. However, I will spend a lifetime dealing with "other" elements that came from the abuse. For example: taking things personally, mistrust of men (the feeling that men want to abuse me), I don't deserve a decent man, I don't deserve anything good, and many others. I can intellectually say these are all lies, but it is the old patterns that are the hardest to break.
In Healing the Wounded Heart, Dan B. Allender, divides the book in two sections: "Part One The Wounded Heart," "Part Two The Healing Path."
I took ten pages of notes. I will point out a few strong points I liked.
In "Part One The Wounded Heart."
•Chapter Two. This is a chapter to read again and again because it shows a goal of evil: lies and bondage.
"The more freedom we gain from evil's brutal lies, the clearer we will see how past events have been used to capture and kill parts of our heart. Evil is a killer that delights in taking life and destroying hope. It does so through mocking our sense of powerlessness to escape the harm that evil has inflicted." Page 39.
Page 42 follows up by saying, "Evil destroys." This is a strong chapter telling what abuse survivors are up against. It is a necessary chapter even if it causes uncomfortableness, because evil does not want the survivor to talk about "it" or recover.
•Chapter Four talks about the "groomer" and what coercive techniques they use. I was groomed. He sought me out. I was his prey.
•Chapter Six addresses men who have been abused. Illustrations from the people in the men's lives are shared. If you want to read another book that addresses men who have been abused I recommend: Not Quite Healed by Cecil Murphey and Gary Roe. I read this book a few years ago and highly recommend it.
Part Two is the section titled, "The Healing Path."
•Kindness, hospitality, gratitude, honest grieving, inviting God to mature us, the stages of the healing journey, and our lives both good and bad are "revelatory" are in this section.
•Healing the Wounded Heart is a book to be read cover to cover and kept for reference. It is a strong tool in recovery.
A few profound quotes:
"Sex has the power to touch the deepest dimension of what it means to be human and alive to God; therefore, it stands to reason that it is hated more than any other dimension of humanity by a kingdom that opposes the glory of God. There is a power that uses sexual violation as its choice means to turn the human heart away from the Creator. This opposition to beauty and innocence is at the core of all sexual harm." Page 31.
"When a perpetrator uses tenderness and care as part of the dynamic with his or her victim, the victim loses the ability to separate delight and beauty from harm and evil." Page 76.
"As simple as it may sound, love heals the heart and every dimension of life to which it flows." Page 153.
"Gratitude is one of the strongest weapons against the work of evil." Page 161.
"Remember a core principle: we change at the level we are willing to enter reality." Page 162.

[Jim B · Rating 4 out of 5]

Healing the Wounded Heart is written by a professional therapist (his own clinic) who includes the spiritual in his therapy. He is unapologetically Christian. This is not a simplistic, "pray and your problems will go away" book on sexual abuse. In fact, I would say that psychology dominates the book and theology plays a secondary role -- almost a "I suggest you also consider that this is going on" approach. Allender sees the forces of evil at work, trying to destroy good and our enjoyment of good.

Christianity has been accused of bringing great evil into the world with its teaching of forgiveness. A friend of mine (devout Christian pastor) said, "We Christians often stifle any attempt to help victims by cutting the conversation short with an insistence that the abuser must be forgiven." Allender would agree. While he ultimately leads his clients to forgiveness, he insists that survivors are often premature in forgiveness, preferring to "stuff" all thoughts about the abuse to working through it and healing.

He believes that we curse ourselves with little promises we make to ourselves, "I will never open myself up to another person" or "I will hate my father till the day I die." These "curses" must be recalled, acknowledged and rejected for healing to happen.

I felt that the book was written for other therapists, and indeed, at the beginning of the book the author urges the reader to have the workbook and work your way through the material. As an audiobook listener, I sometimes wished for less jargon (even Christian jargon), but I'm sure that other professionals clearly understood his language.

Still this is not a textbook. Learning about abuse at this level of information had an impact on my brain. What Allender revealed about how many sexual abusers "groom" their victims before they assault them opened up an awareness of behavior that I had not understood.

Friends of mine have recommended a different Christian author on this subject, Diane Mandt Langberg. I'd like to compare the two. Langberg is praised for being Christ-centered in her writing. Allender is a Christian, but that he sometimes injects his "restore the kingdom of God on earth" view into his discussions. Even more difficult for me were the times he quotes a Bible passage but then uses the words in that passage to describe something not intended by the original passage. It gives a very Biblical flavor to some of his points, but left me wondering (since I was reading an audiobook and didn't go over his words in detail) whether what he said was true, and if so how I might word that truth in a more gospel centered way.

[Tommy Keough · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s unreal how good this is

[Esther Hallel · Rating 5 out of 5]

As I try to write this today working on restore and other things I am experiencing writers block. Suffice it to say I was unprepared to start this matieral in February, living in a numbed state with much I needed, and still need, to learn. I would say this is one of the best works I have read in my entire life, for how it disrupted my life, but also the book itself. Allender's writing is fierce and compassionate, and full of hope. Good information on the effects of trauma. I would say read not just for information, not to solve some kind of problem, whether it's yours or someone else's. Read with an open heart, or not at all. Open yourself to listen to pain rather than silencing it. Enter the burnt ground to smell the charred air, to feel the cracks between your fingers. Tread the terrain, way down down down to its earth. As I finished up this work (a 2nd reading of it since stepping back in March) George Matheson's lyrics came to mind:

"I lay in dust life's glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be."

[Abbie Lay · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book came recommended by my therapist at a pivotal time in my own journey of healing, to say it was part of some miraculous freedom and life change would be an understatement. This book, and Allender’s mix of clinical research and biblical truth, created a safe and honest space for me to look at my story with new eyes. I would highly recommend this to anyone on a journey of healing from abuse, or to anyone who loves someone who is healing from abuse. I’m sure to those who haven’t lived the experience, much of the book could feel overwhelming, but as a survivor of abuse, his words brought a sense of comfort, support and hope in a battle that makes one feel nothing but isolation and ashamed.

[Angie Fehl · Rating 3 out of 5]

25 years ago, Dr. Dan Allender first published The Wounded Heart. This year he returns with Healing The Wounded Heart, which offers Christianity-based thoughts and recommendations for how to successfully come out on the other side of traumas. While the focus in this book is on sexual abuse, Allender does also get into the damage that tends to follow physical and emotional traumas as well. While there have been stacks of books written on the topic, what helps the reader lean into this one is Allender revealing that he himself was a victim of sexual abuse.

He opens the discussion, so to speak, with looking at the various ways recent generations have been bombarded by sexually explicit material, more so than our ancestors. Some examples examined include the gradual sexualization of commercials, music videos, even girls' dolls. (Speaking of music videos -- he uses the video for Britney Spears' "Oops, I Did It Again" as a prime example of sexualization too easily influencing youth. Problem is, he spelled it as "Brittany Spears". Had to laugh, thinkin' "c'mon man, you want to point fingers at people, at least be decent enough to spell the name right!") He also looks at the rapid growth of internet technology / content and how much more readily accessible it is to the young as opposed to just a few decades ago. Allender points out that recent studies show that these days kids are typically experiencing pornographic materials for the first time when they are between the ages of 10-14 years old. He even mentions something I wasn't even aware was an actual thing -- internet predators using the process of "typosquatting" to lure victims to them: "Pornographers often utilize the technique called "typosquatting," in which frequently accessed children's internet sites that might be misspelled by a child are used as portals to funnel children to pornograpic sites."

Seriously, WHY DOES THIS KIND OF THING EXIST?! The twisted ick of it all!

Being a survivor of physical, emotional and sexual abuse myself as well as being an advocate for helping protect and educate others from ever getting caught in a sicko's web, I was curious what Allender had to say. It was a mixed bag for me, personally. While some of what he had to say really did resonate with me and my past experiences, at other there were passages where he got pretty impassioned -- which was admirable -- but also veered a little further into fire & brimstone preaching than I was comfortable with. (The very last chapter of the book, entitled "Thy Kingdom Come" is pretty much just a sermon all by itself.) There were parts in there where, to me, he did start to sound on the edge of getting a little judgmental about general talk regarding life choices. That and there were a few bits where he seemed to contradict himself. Still, some of the most powerful sections that really spoke to me:

Chapter 3: "The Body's Response To Abuse" (this one chapter was co-written with Dr. Heather Mirous of Northwestern University) -- I had never really thought to connect my current health struggles with what may have been happening years ago inside my body during the time I was trying to survive those traumatic moments. It definitely got me thinking! It was a little scary to learn about the damage these kinds of traumas do to the body's telomeres, but within the book's Appendix section there is reassurance -- Allender mentions that recent research suggests that this damage can be slowed or even reversed with a dedicated body / mind care program, one that includes consistent exercise, balanced diet and proper stress management, among other things. :-)

Chapter 5: "The Damage of Covert Abuse" -- this chapter looks at subtle forms of trauma and abuse that is SO slick that you might not even realize it is actually abusive. This section was particularly eye-opening for me because I've struggled with certain things regarding my relationship with both my parents, things that I had difficulty putting into words but put me at unease. Turns out the things I thought or was told I was being overly sensitive about actually fall under what's called "emotional incest". What makes it tricky is that there might not be any physical harm per se, but standard child-parent boundaries are either broken or non-existent, often leading to a child being subtly emotionally abused and unsafe within the home, the place that a child SHOULD know as a safe haven from dangers of the outer world.

Chapter 10: "Caring For Another's Story" -- a vitally important chapter, discussing how one should behave when a friend or family member becomes vulnerable enough to share their abuse story. It took me years to give any details of my past to anyone for fear of being judged, being told I brought it on myself (as I WAS told the very first time I shared anything). I'm so glad Allender thought to include this other side of the equation.

I was also impressed that Allender included a whole chapter on male victims of abuse -- Chapter 6: "Men At War". Yet another super important part of the abuse discussion that too often gets overlooked -- that it IS, as Allender himself is proof of, possible for males to be sexually victimized.

So, for me anyway, this one had its strengths and weaknesses. Not bad for a read-through if this is a topic you are particularly passionate about being educated on, but it wouldn't be my very first recommendation on the subject.

There is also a companion workbook for this title for anyone interested.

FTC Disclaimer: Baker Publishing Group kindly provided me with a complimentary copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. The opinions above are entirely my own.

[Candice · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read Dan Allender’s book on the Sabbath long before I knew about his work with sexual abuse victims. As a survivor of sexual abuse (like a large percentage of the population), I so appreciated his nuanced, unexpected, and experienced take on the subject.

This is a book to read if you or your loved ones have been sexually abused. It explores some of the complications that an individual may experience even years after the abuse. It suggests an admittedly imperfect, but possible pathway toward healing. Most importantly, it promotes a posture of kindness to yourself in the midst of trauma.

I have already purchased the book for others and plan to reread it someday.

[Sarah Heinss · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was very hard to get through because of the content, but a very informative and inspiring read on healing from sexual abuse from a faith-integrated perspective.

[Fr-corey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent update to Healing the Wounded Heart. I think it is more than an update it is superior to the book it updates. I highly recommend it. It is useful for those who have suffered any sort of abuse, even if it seems slight. It is also helpful for those who may come into contact with such persons.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is the first book I have read as a help book for victims of sexual abuse. It was extremely insightful and educational. It is amazing the incredible number of people who have suffered, or maybe even are suffering abuse. There are many who don't even realized what they went through was abuse.

The first part of the book was honestly a bit overwhelming. It was a sort of introduction to many aspects and forms of sexual abuse from things people would consider in consequential to very serious. At times it was very difficult to read, and think that such atrocities could happen. Yet, I believe to an extent this part of the book is relevant because it lays foundation for the healing aspect of the book - which begins in part two. Dan Allender explains how through these areas of abuse, people curse themselves, and allow evil to enter. Most of the time unknowingly and also as a form of self-protection. Dr Allender says:

The calling of the good therapist is to follow the story of abuse and its aftermath closely enough to see the tracks of evil. There will always be a unique configuration of debris, a pattern of evil's intent that gives and indication of the covenants the victim has made consciously or unconsciously with the realm of darkness.

The second part of the book addresses the healing path and gives hope to those who may be in despair. Dan talks about joy, hope, peace, forgiveness. He describes how each can be reached. He stresses that the path is long and the goal not easily achieved. Superficial solutions do not necessarily fix the problem but are like medication just masking the root. The abused must be able to face the abuse, name it, and figure out what lies he or she is believing. They must be able to grieve, as well as bless. Some of it is complicated, and as I mentioned before not for the faint of heart, but worth it! A journey of true healing.

I think one can learn much from this book. I am not sure if it is possible to use it alone with out the help of a therapist. (Although it seems some therapists do more harm than good, so finding the right one is essential) It is amazing how sexual abuse affects so many different areas of a person's life. Dan goes into alot of the science and psychology of how God designed our brains and bodies to function so as to be able to deal with stress, abuse, etc. And how those parts although simply doing their job, can hinder us from healing properly unless it is dealt with instead of just shoved under the rug and forgotten. He also gives insight into how to handle someone else's story and without causing even more pain or undermining what they have been through.

The great news! There is hope for recovery. There is healing for the wounded heart. God is at the root of it all, and with His help it is possible. He designed us, we are wonderfully made, and He is able to do above and beyond what we can imagine. So if you are struggling, get this book- even if it is just a kick-off point, a beginning, seek help so God can heal your heart.

The labor of this pilgrimage is not to gain freedom or joy as much as it is to be captured by the story so of Jesus and his death, resurrection, and ascension. But we don't do so by forgetting or ignoring our story. We do so by entering our own death, resurrection, and ascension in order to learn his story and live out his story through our own.

Disclosure: This book was provided courtesy of Baker Publishing in exchange for my honest opinion. I was not required to review it positively.

[Jason Kanz · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dan Allender, author of many wonderful books, is perhaps best known for his book The Wounded Heart, first published over 20 years ago. The Wounded Heart was a compassionate and wise book about sexual abuse. Now, in 2016, he again shared his wisdom and compassion in Healing the Wounded Heart: The Heartache of Sexual Abuse and the Hope of Transformation (Baker, 2016).

Although the sin of sexual abuse is not new, Dr Allender writes at the outset of the new face of sexual abuse. Increased "sexual liberation", pornography, and the hook-up culture have led in many regards to deep harm. He wrote, "Bottom line: sexual harm has been normalized in a sexually indulgent and demeaning age" (page 29). Yet the more things change, the more things stay the same. Girls and boys, women and men continue to experience the fallout from sexual abuse. The author explores the many ways this trauma presents--physically, psychologically, and relationally.

In the second half of the book, Allender begins to shine a light on "the healing path" a path that also deals with emotion, relationship, and body. Having dedicated his life to this work, Allender is not naive; he is fully aware of the hard work, but he is also a ambassador of hope.

A copy of this book was provided to me by Baker Books in exchange for this review. I was not required to provide a positive review. The viewpoints discussed are my own.

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

I chose this book because I had a phone call several months ago where someone very close to me told me she was raped at the innocent age of seven. She said the prequel of this book was recommended to her by her counselor and she wanted me to read it. While the circumstances of this young woman's assault are not the main focus of either book, there is good information in both books.

Dan Allender explains in Healing the Wounded Heart that he was sexually abused as a child. In fact, many more people than we could possibly imagine have suffered some sort of abuse in their childhoods.

Most of what Dr. Allender covers in his books deals with continuous abuse by family members and the damage done by these family members. While many of his concepts are helpful to rape victims, most do not help the victims of stranger assault. Dr. Allender's writing style is conversational, with personal stories to flesh out his counsel. He knows his subject because he's walked the same walk as his patients. It's a tough thing to go through and it's a tough thing to get past.

This book is worth reading by victims and family members of victims. Five Stars.

My thanks to Baker Books for allowing me to read and review this book.

[Dominique Rupp · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW, I’m absolutely blown away by Dr. Allender’s work on “The Wounded Heart.” To be completely honest with you, I was a little apprehensive about the semi-cheesy title of an author that I consider to be sublime researcher on sexual abuse. If my analytical brain is working right now, the conversation around shame is NECESSARY in any conversation about the topic of sexuality. What does holy sexuality look like? Is restoration even possible if shame is constantly a factor in this topic? Yes and yes, this book spoke to my heart more than anything I have ever read on this topic. I’d give it six stars if I could.

[Marie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just finished reading, “Healing the Wounded Heart,” by Dan B. Allender. It is arguably the most valuable use of time and piece of work that I have encountered in a very long time. Throughout the reading; and particularly at the end, I am ready to start a movement, mount a horse and rope a bull (!!), tear out a garden and raise it, and once again reaffirm my allegiance –that “God; how-so, when and whatever, have thy way in me.” But for the next few hours, I begin the workbook for Healing the Wounded Heart…

[Julian Bacon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish every human would read this book.
Allender is brutally honest about the reality, depth, affects of sin particularly when it comes to sexual abuse.
The "healing" aspects are not quick fixes. They are glorious, honoring, and honest.
This book can teach us all to heal and be better at accompanying those who have experienced the worst kind of harm imaginable.

I will read and reread this book. If those who have experienced childhood sexual abuse can have hope, there is hope for everyone.

[Carina Treitl · Rating 5 out of 5]

It allowed me to be honest with myself and confront the underlying anxiety that motivated my decisions. A life-changing book!

[Jon Pentecost · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was published in the early 2010's, and it shows. The reckoning of the #meToo and #ChurchToo hashtags had not yet come at this point. It's aimed at Christians and church leaders who had too narrow a view of sexual abuse could be.

Allender provides graphic detail from the experience of many clients he has served--not in an inappropriate way, but in a very fitting way, aimed at helping us understand the ways abuse can impact a person years later. I learned a lot that was useful. Perhaps most helpful was to hear some of Allender's methods in helping people in his office who in the moment are hurt and lashing out at him simply because he's the one in the room, or the one raising a question that is dangerous to their past conceptions of their abuser. I also appreciated that Allender shows wise caution about the fad of 'repressed memories' and the ways that an overzealous counsellor can cause harm when they mean to help.

That said, I've rated this book at 2 *s because it claims to be a Christian counseling book. Yet Scripture is not quoted often--and by my count, is never the interpretive lens with which he discusses abuse. In fact, impressionistic senses of "Jesus speaking to someone" is given much more weight and value than the written word of God. This is most striking to me in the chapter discussing the ways that a person's body may be affected by abuse for years to come. Instead of using a scriptural understanding of humans as both body and soul, united together, he depends on the now academically defunct writings of van der Kolk, whose views on memory, trauma, and the body have been heavily criticized. There is a lot of discussion about 'blessing' and 'cursing' by saying positive or negative things about a person...which has much more to do with Norman Vincent Peale than the Bible's understanding of blessings and cursings.

All this means while I think there is good instruction on how abuse often happens and how it often warps a person's view of themselves and their life even years later, it cannot go very far in actually helping a person because it doesn't provide biblical grounding in things like sin, God's radical grace and forgiveness shown at the cross, God's unrelenting hatred of injustice and abuse, the certainty of God's good judgment, the dignity of the human body, the goodness of sex and sexuality within the covenant of marriage, God's persevering patience and comfort to those in suffering, or anything like that.

[Janka H. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is simply a deep book. Written by a professional therapist (and a victim of sexual abuse himself), this book deals with the harsh realities of healing. The way to healing from such a horrible harm is hard and the journey leads through dark woods.
The content of this book is not in some practical, handy (read: easying) steps. My take is that a good, quality therapy is recommended as the survivors of sexual abuse might make a good use of an experienced quide on the way through a very personal minefield full of triggers, hidden memories, deeply suppressed pain and patterns of reenactment of the story. This is not step-by-step guide, but a guide it is - a guide through the feelings and the personal process. It offers no steps, but a deep understanding. Of course, this is not just a talk and many practical information is also included, but this book´s main aim is to be a personal companion, not a practical manager.

I myself has not experienced such trauma, but I heard some heart-breaking stories. And, of course, I have some of my own pain (of other kind of pain, but pain from living nonetheless) to tell and to share. This is a topic as raw as it can get, and my heart aches here.
I have learned an immense lot of good knowledge here. Everything is connected and we are humans - so even if you are coming from different experiences, you can learn a lot here. I prersonally believe I can grow more because of this works of wisdom and authenticity.
The Christian content here is also so very deep. Dr Allender´s faith is not sugary sweet.

Dr Allender understands this journey much more as I do. But as we all hurt on this journey to Heaven, I can only simply say: You are not alone.

[Taams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Breathtaking, honest, helpful, and never dull.

I am not religious, but this book offered truly insightful and valuable perspectives. Some paragraphs moved me deeply. Dan Allender writes with wisdom, compassion, and an impressive depth of empathy that really made me stop and reflect.

The book is written from a Christian perspective and includes theological analysis, but even if you're not a Christian, it’s still incredibly insightful and accessible. His deep understanding of trauma and healing shines through, and he never comes across as preachy.

Allender draws on his experience as a psychologist, sharing real-life cases with care and sensitivity. These examples bring his insights to life and help the reader feel seen and understood.

I would recommend this book to anyone seeking a compassionate, thoughtful, and deeply moving guide to healing for yourself or your loved ones. The author’s empathy, knowledge, and sincerity are evident on every page.

[Tiffany · Rating 5 out of 5]

Perfect resource for those who want to better under the pervasive impact sexual abuse has on the individual, on the family, and on society; while also understanding the spiritual dynamics at work and the path forward to true healing. It's an ideal resource for those involved in leadership in any sphere as it will help you formulate a response to disclosed sexual abuse that will do good instead of harm. It's also useful for brokering a discussion on sexual abuse and the church's response in a manner that will invite dialogue instead of fostering contention and defensive. Yet another resource for becoming comfortable with having the uncomfortable conversations we need to have if we're going to see true transformation sweep through our communities.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

It has taken me an entire year to read this book. Not because I wanted to take that long, but because I needed to. As a Pastor Allender's book offers helpful suggestions on how to listen to stories of abuse as I walk with the wounded hearts. As a family member with victims of abuse, the same. The gold in this book is the tenderness with which Allender addresses the vile subject matter. The key is cultivating tenderness in my own heart, learning to dismantle the horror of abuse with the same tenderness and kindness Allender models in this book.

[Sheri Fox · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had previously started reading this, but just wasn't reaching for it. I switched to the audio, and I'm glad I did. It only took me a few days even though it was over 9 hours. It is a hard read going into detail about sexual abuse including many people's experiences. A chapter or two talk about how it affects men which I hadn't ever heard much about. I don't want to act like it was fun and games. If you are a victim of sexual abuse of any kind, my heart breaks for you. It is a hard, long, and complex path to healing and restoration.

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is excellent in addressing the issues we so often cower form addressing. It helped me understand more how abuse works and the consequences. It also shares the hope and healing process. The appendix is also especially good... but I won’t ruin it for you. Just read it, with and honest and open heart. Don’t read it just to read it but read it to learn and with vulnerability in your own heart.

[Marg Brunner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every page told stories that resounded intense empathy and hope. Reading this began the slow work of putting words into deep places in my own heart that have been bruised and scarred. Dan Allender is so poignantly gracious. This book was honey and healing balm to me, and is a top recommendation for those who, like me, are struggling to figure out how to write their own story and reclaim hope for restoration and beauty.

[Ben Shore · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was an incredibly difficult read considering the topic. I had to give myself time to process through painful chapters to really understand the full value of what I was reading. It was well worth it, and the spiritual connections made alongside the clinical pieces were exactly what I was hoping for. This author has a knack for finding the beauty in tragedy, the joy in the most disgusting moments.

[Brian Byersdorf · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was on my radar for a few years, and I finally dove in. What a beautiful book. I’m so impressed with the theology and how the author thread in both story and trauma. While some may see some of the story or language as graphic, i appreciate the honesty. I can imagine the truth Dan shares being healing for so many.

[Melinda · Rating 2 out of 5]

Honestly, this book was not very helpful. And for victims of sexual abuse, there needs to be trigger warnings more because there were frequent graphic stories of child abuse that made it difficult for me to read as a child sexual abuse survivor.
think this is a book geared more for those who want to help victims of sexual abuse instead of those who have been abused.

[Matthew Forsythe · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was good but I feel the author took too much away from his own story and approached the topic from a more professional stance. I appreciated his own journey was talked about, as survivors of abuse need to feel they aren't alone.

[Elise Martin Harris · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has been such a blessing not only for me personally, but in my pursuit to better listen and help those who have been a victim of child abuse. I think this is really a great book to begin the healing process and for those close to survivors to read as well.