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The Girl Behind the Door: A Father's Quest to Understand His Daughter's Suicide
An award-winning, candid, and compelling story of an adoptive father’s search for the truth about his teenage daughter’s suicide: “Rarely have the subjects of suicide, adoption, adolescence, and parenting been explored so openly and honestly” (John Bateson, Former Executive Director, Contra Costa Crisis Center, and author of The Final Leap: Suicide on the Golden Gate Bridge).
Early one Tuesday morning John Brooks went to his teenage daughter’s room to make sure she was getting up for school and found her room dark and “neater than usual.” Casey was gone but he found a note: The car is parked at the Golden Gate Bridge. I’m sorry.
Several hours later a security video was found that showed Casey stepping off the bridge.
Brooks spent months after Casey’s suicide trying to understand what led his seventeen-year-old daughter to take her life. He examines Casey’s journey from her abandonment at birth in Poland, to the orphanage where she lived for the first fourteen months of her life, to her adoption and life with John and his wife Erika in Northern California. He reads. He talks to Casey’s friends, teachers, doctors, therapists, and other parents. He consults adoption experts, researchers, clinicians, attachment therapists, and social workers.
In The Girl Behind the Door, Brooks shares what he learned and asks “What did everyone miss? What could have been done differently?” He’d come to realize that Casey might have been helped if someone had recognized that she’d likely suffered an attachment disorder from her infancy—an affliction common among children who’ve been orphaned, neglected, and abused. This emotional deprivation in early childhood, from the lack of a secure attachment to a primary caregiver, can lead to a wide range of serious behavioral issues later in life.
John’s hope is that Casey’s story, and what he discovered since her death, will help others. This important book is a wakeup call that parents, mental health professionals, and teens should read.
Early one Tuesday morning John Brooks went to his teenage daughter’s room to make sure she was getting up for school and found her room dark and “neater than usual.” Casey was gone but he found a note: The car is parked at the Golden Gate Bridge. I’m sorry.
Several hours later a security video was found that showed Casey stepping off the bridge.
Brooks spent months after Casey’s suicide trying to understand what led his seventeen-year-old daughter to take her life. He examines Casey’s journey from her abandonment at birth in Poland, to the orphanage where she lived for the first fourteen months of her life, to her adoption and life with John and his wife Erika in Northern California. He reads. He talks to Casey’s friends, teachers, doctors, therapists, and other parents. He consults adoption experts, researchers, clinicians, attachment therapists, and social workers.
In The Girl Behind the Door, Brooks shares what he learned and asks “What did everyone miss? What could have been done differently?” He’d come to realize that Casey might have been helped if someone had recognized that she’d likely suffered an attachment disorder from her infancy—an affliction common among children who’ve been orphaned, neglected, and abused. This emotional deprivation in early childhood, from the lack of a secure attachment to a primary caregiver, can lead to a wide range of serious behavioral issues later in life.
John’s hope is that Casey’s story, and what he discovered since her death, will help others. This important book is a wakeup call that parents, mental health professionals, and teens should read.
224 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2014
22 people are currently reading
915 people want to read
About the author
John Brooks
1 book24 followersJOHN BROOKS is an award winning author of the memoir, The Girl Behind The Door, about his search for answers to his daughter Casey's suicide. It won the Benjamin Franklin Silver Award for Parenting & Family Issues presented by the Independent Book Publishers Association, and is considered one of the highest national honors for independent and self-publishers.
In addition to writing, Mr. Brooks has become involved in mental health activism, speaking engagements and volunteer work with teenagers in Marin County, California. He also maintains a blog, www.parentingandattachment.com, where he shares his experience as an adoptive parent and educates other adoptive families about parenting and therapy techniques unique to children with attachment issues.
In his former life, Mr. Brooks was a senior financial executive in the broadcast and media industry for over twenty-five years until tragedy struck.
Mr. Brooks has been featured on television, radio and print, including the Dr. Phil Show, NPR-affiliate, KQED-FM, the San Francisco Chronicle and the Marin Independent Journal. Casey’s story has also appeared in San Francisco Magazine.
In addition to writing, Mr. Brooks has become involved in mental health activism, speaking engagements and volunteer work with teenagers in Marin County, California. He also maintains a blog, www.parentingandattachment.com, where he shares his experience as an adoptive parent and educates other adoptive families about parenting and therapy techniques unique to children with attachment issues.
In his former life, Mr. Brooks was a senior financial executive in the broadcast and media industry for over twenty-five years until tragedy struck.
Mr. Brooks has been featured on television, radio and print, including the Dr. Phil Show, NPR-affiliate, KQED-FM, the San Francisco Chronicle and the Marin Independent Journal. Casey’s story has also appeared in San Francisco Magazine.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 92 reviews
January 31, 2016
The Girl Behind the Door was doubly sad and heartbreaking. John Brooks and his wife Erika adopted a Polish orphan in the early 1990s when she was around 10 months old. They renamed her Casey, and brought her to live an upper middle class life in the Bay Area in California. The book opens with Casey's suicide at the age of 17, when she jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge. Throughout the rest of this memoir, Brooks recounts their tumultuous life with Casey from the time they brought her home -- her intelligence, wicked wit, intense mood swings, tantrums, insecurity, inconsistent academic performance, sporadic drug use, etc... They tried therapy, medication, imposing strict limits, punishments, being supportive -- but Casey's difficulties were persistent. Erika and John felt a deep love and commitment for Casey, but they were often exasperated, tired, worn down, and self doubting. And then after another bad weekend -- but no worse than others in the past -- Casey jumped off the bridge. The book is doubly sad because following the retelling of the events leading to Casey's death, Brooks recounts his search to understand what happened and ultimately in large part he lays the blame at his and Erika's feet. He realizes that they had never considered the effects of her early childhood, and he discovers a whole wealth of writing and expertise on the traumatic effects of early childhood in an orphanage and the resulting attachment disorder. More important than anything, he comes to feel that without this understanding, he and Erika did everything wrong -- that they should not have treated her like an ordinary misbehaving child but that they should have worked to reassure her over and over again that nothing she could do would lead them to abandon her. I feel teary as I write this. To lose a child is the worse thing that can happen. To feel that there's something you could have done and should have done to prevent the loss is unimaginable. But Brooks seems to have written this memoir as part of the healing process, and in the hopes that other adoptive parents in his shoes will be better informed. Although dealing with a hugely painful topic, in the end this book is readable because Brooks is so straightforward and sincere in sharing his story. This is a hard book to read, but it's definitely worthwhile. Thank you to the publisher and Netgalley for an opportunity to read an advance copy.
April 8, 2016
This is a sad memoir of the belated discovery of attachment disorder among adopted children, and how the author, whose daughter jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge to her death, found out about it.
Although the author sometimes seems like Dagwood Bumstead in his inability to do simple things like hold a baby, the screeching relationship that he and his wife had with their developmentally delayed adopted Polish daughter sounds like pure hell. Sadly, he didn't even come to know about attachment disorder until after his daughter's death.
It is a cautionary tale for adoptive parents to do more early research on foreign adoptions, especially of developmentally disabled children, before they actually undertake the process. Being the father of an adopted daughter myself, I can imagine how bad it could get and how lucky my wife and I were never to have any evidence of attachment disorder with our Korean daughter. All she ever wanted was to be boss of herself, and she certainly is as an adult.
This is a valuable book because it seems that there is little research done on attachment disorders, and this may provide an impetus for more to be done and for happier adoptions to be executed in the future.
Although the author sometimes seems like Dagwood Bumstead in his inability to do simple things like hold a baby, the screeching relationship that he and his wife had with their developmentally delayed adopted Polish daughter sounds like pure hell. Sadly, he didn't even come to know about attachment disorder until after his daughter's death.
It is a cautionary tale for adoptive parents to do more early research on foreign adoptions, especially of developmentally disabled children, before they actually undertake the process. Being the father of an adopted daughter myself, I can imagine how bad it could get and how lucky my wife and I were never to have any evidence of attachment disorder with our Korean daughter. All she ever wanted was to be boss of herself, and she certainly is as an adult.
This is a valuable book because it seems that there is little research done on attachment disorders, and this may provide an impetus for more to be done and for happier adoptions to be executed in the future.
Read
January 12, 2014This book should be a wakeup call to all adoptive parents and professionals about the urgent issues adoptees and their parents face. John Brooks has written a compelling account of his experience of losing his beloved adopted daughter to suicide.. A must-read for anyone who has adopted or plans to adopt.
Nancy Newton Verrier, attachment therapist and author of
The Primal Wound and Coming Home to Self
Nancy Newton Verrier, attachment therapist and author of
The Primal Wound and Coming Home to Self
January 7, 2026
this book was really sad.
essentially, it follows a dad whose daughter committed suicide via the Golden Gate Bridge in the early 2000s. his daughter was a tragic case: a polish orphan, stripped from her biological parents as a newborn, held in a orphanage that did not raise children correctly, leading to an undiagnosed attachment disorder known as RAD (if you don't know what this is, i highly recommend doing research into it).
what i'm walking away with: if God blesses me with children one day, i will spend their first year holding them tightly. i think a lot of people disassociate biological development from their faith. i've met a lot of parents who say things like "if we raise the kid in the church, then everything will be fine." YES, raise your child in the church. YES, surround them with God's word. YES, train them in godliness at a young age. BUT ALSO, learn about how the brain develops. LEARN ABOUT how when a child is not held enough, when they are not disciplined CORRECTLY, how that will have drastic effects on them. DO YOUR RESEARCH before having a child. please.
honestly, i think every person desiring to be a parent should read books like this - they shed light on mental health and i think it's vital for people to be aware before they begin raising a child.
essentially, it follows a dad whose daughter committed suicide via the Golden Gate Bridge in the early 2000s. his daughter was a tragic case: a polish orphan, stripped from her biological parents as a newborn, held in a orphanage that did not raise children correctly, leading to an undiagnosed attachment disorder known as RAD (if you don't know what this is, i highly recommend doing research into it).
what i'm walking away with: if God blesses me with children one day, i will spend their first year holding them tightly. i think a lot of people disassociate biological development from their faith. i've met a lot of parents who say things like "if we raise the kid in the church, then everything will be fine." YES, raise your child in the church. YES, surround them with God's word. YES, train them in godliness at a young age. BUT ALSO, learn about how the brain develops. LEARN ABOUT how when a child is not held enough, when they are not disciplined CORRECTLY, how that will have drastic effects on them. DO YOUR RESEARCH before having a child. please.
honestly, i think every person desiring to be a parent should read books like this - they shed light on mental health and i think it's vital for people to be aware before they begin raising a child.
July 15, 2017
I applaud the author for writing this book .... I cannot imagine how hard it must have been to walk through all of the difficult times with a daughter who eventually kills herself.
I thought the author did a very good job highlighting the mistakes he and his wife made along the way, most done with the right intentions but harmful nonetheless. That takes courage. I also thought the information on attachment disorders was well researched and presented.
Where this book bothered me was the way the psychiatrists and therapists were portrayed, in several cases like they didn't care or were inept. While I am not in this field, I do know that it is very, very hard to diagnose mental disorders in a patient who won't talk to you. This isn't a TB test ... the brain is unbelievably complicated, and with an uncooperative patient, next to impossible to discern. Casey was a skilled manipulator, and could easily have intentionally fooled or misled her caregivers. There are certainly fraudulent psychiatric professionals out there, but the ones they encountered seemed to me to be qualified and well intentioned.
I also take exception to some of the criticism of Poland, from where Casey was adopted, and here I do have experience as I also lived there for several years in the 1990's, at the time Casey was adopted. When you come from a wealthy American suburb, it is next to impossible to understand how chaotic, desperate, and ill-resourced the country was in 1990, following decades of Soviet Communist influence and mistreatment (also true elsewhere in Eastern Europe). The people who cared for Casey/Joanna were more likely than not unpaid (or owed wages), under resourced, and had 10x the children that they should have. They were, by all measures, saints. It's a little too convenient to throw them under the bus and suggest they didn't hold or hug their daughter enough during her first 14 months of life. The nuns may have had unlimited love, but VERY limited money, adolescent psychiatric training, and hours in the day.
When the author started to look for answers as to why his daughter committed suicide, it should not have surprised him - in our overly litigious society - that people in the adoption process did not want to speak with him.
My final criticism was on the epilogue. After several chapters on addressing the root causes of Casey's problems, the book ends on the importance of installing suicide jump nets on the Golden Gate Bridge. That seems like a band aid solution to me, though it may save lives. It isn't necessarily dumb or wrong, but just seems out of place. I'd like to have known more about how the author and his wife were doing.
Overall, a good book - not necessarily a great book - but a courageous one that I hope brings the author some closure.
I thought the author did a very good job highlighting the mistakes he and his wife made along the way, most done with the right intentions but harmful nonetheless. That takes courage. I also thought the information on attachment disorders was well researched and presented.
Where this book bothered me was the way the psychiatrists and therapists were portrayed, in several cases like they didn't care or were inept. While I am not in this field, I do know that it is very, very hard to diagnose mental disorders in a patient who won't talk to you. This isn't a TB test ... the brain is unbelievably complicated, and with an uncooperative patient, next to impossible to discern. Casey was a skilled manipulator, and could easily have intentionally fooled or misled her caregivers. There are certainly fraudulent psychiatric professionals out there, but the ones they encountered seemed to me to be qualified and well intentioned.
I also take exception to some of the criticism of Poland, from where Casey was adopted, and here I do have experience as I also lived there for several years in the 1990's, at the time Casey was adopted. When you come from a wealthy American suburb, it is next to impossible to understand how chaotic, desperate, and ill-resourced the country was in 1990, following decades of Soviet Communist influence and mistreatment (also true elsewhere in Eastern Europe). The people who cared for Casey/Joanna were more likely than not unpaid (or owed wages), under resourced, and had 10x the children that they should have. They were, by all measures, saints. It's a little too convenient to throw them under the bus and suggest they didn't hold or hug their daughter enough during her first 14 months of life. The nuns may have had unlimited love, but VERY limited money, adolescent psychiatric training, and hours in the day.
When the author started to look for answers as to why his daughter committed suicide, it should not have surprised him - in our overly litigious society - that people in the adoption process did not want to speak with him.
My final criticism was on the epilogue. After several chapters on addressing the root causes of Casey's problems, the book ends on the importance of installing suicide jump nets on the Golden Gate Bridge. That seems like a band aid solution to me, though it may save lives. It isn't necessarily dumb or wrong, but just seems out of place. I'd like to have known more about how the author and his wife were doing.
Overall, a good book - not necessarily a great book - but a courageous one that I hope brings the author some closure.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 15, 2017
Oh wow. This is a gut wrenching and painfully honest story of a family who realized too late that their adopted daughter likely suffered from attachment disorder. As parents, there is no one right answer and we all plod along trying our best, sometimes we get it right and sometimes we don't. I think this book has the potential to change mindsets and practices of how we adopt children (especially children adopted from orphanages).
I couldn't put this book down and it is weighing heavy on my mind.
John Brooks, I think what you and your wife did for Casey was amazing. I'm sorry you lost her but maybe your memoir will help others understand the confusing and devastating behaviors associated with attachment issues. Thank you for sharing your story.
I couldn't put this book down and it is weighing heavy on my mind.
John Brooks, I think what you and your wife did for Casey was amazing. I'm sorry you lost her but maybe your memoir will help others understand the confusing and devastating behaviors associated with attachment issues. Thank you for sharing your story.
March 12, 2016
Devastating. I'm also curious what percent of adoptees (from regular adoptions not orphanages) have a degree of attachment disorder.
November 18, 2024
I haven’t given five stars for a long time. This booked shocked me. I picked it up from the free library at my work without really knowing what to expect.
To see a 50-something year old man putting the time and effort into learning and changing his thoughts on mental health and the possible impacts of adoption was truly moving.
The parents were doing their absolute best with the knowledge they had. It’s such a tragedy that there isn’t more education for parents around adoption in these circumstances.
Even as I was reading about Casey’s behavior, I personally was getting fed up and annoyed by her. I have no clue how I would’ve handled the situations the parents were in. But this book has reminded me the importance of trying to understand behavior issues, not to just get mad at them.
Read. This. Book.
To see a 50-something year old man putting the time and effort into learning and changing his thoughts on mental health and the possible impacts of adoption was truly moving.
The parents were doing their absolute best with the knowledge they had. It’s such a tragedy that there isn’t more education for parents around adoption in these circumstances.
Even as I was reading about Casey’s behavior, I personally was getting fed up and annoyed by her. I have no clue how I would’ve handled the situations the parents were in. But this book has reminded me the importance of trying to understand behavior issues, not to just get mad at them.
Read. This. Book.
January 10, 2018
How must a parent react to their child’s suicide, especially if the child’s death is on their hands? The novel The Girl Behind the Door by John Brooks takes place in San Francisco and includes realistic characters and events. It revolves around a mystery as to why their daughter committed suicide and explains the toxic relationship between child and parent. In the novel, the narrator is the father of the child and throughout the story he explains his thoughts and feelings towards his daughter’s unhealthy behavior and suicide. I really enjoyed this book, it is a very sensitive topic that not many mainstream media talk about but I believe that this topic should be expressed more in today’s society.
The story begins with the event of Casey’s suicide. Casey left a note for her parents apologizing and saying that she was at the Golden Gate Bridge, where she jumped and killed herself. After her father finds out that his daughter died, the novel flashbacks to the process of him and his wife, Erika, adopting Casey in a Polish Orphanage. Throughout the novel her father explains the events of his parenting experience and the growth of Casey. When she was a toddler she often had temper tantrums and her behavior was harmful to herself and her parents. As she grew up these tantrums and fits became worst and frequent. Her parents constantly have to deal with this bad behavior and no matter what they do, whether that is punishing her or talking to her calmly, these tantrums never ended. Having this behavior affected Casey’s academics and relationship with her parents, causing her to smoke and use drugs. Everyday in their household consisted of a battle between Casey and her parents.
I give this book a five out of five stars. John Brooks did an amazing job with the layout of the novel and the topic is something that I enjoy learning. The psychological meaning behind the story is very touching and deep which is what kept me engaged into it. Even though I have not experienced these events in the novel, I do enjoy learning about the human behavior and the therapeutic environment that the author provides me. When I get older I dream of caring for people with mental health and hopefully become a therapist, this book helps me understand why some people may behave in a certain way. Something I would like to know is how does Casey’s father move on and what does the future hold for him and his wife? John Brooks novel, The Girl Behind the Door, is one of my favorite books so far.
The story begins with the event of Casey’s suicide. Casey left a note for her parents apologizing and saying that she was at the Golden Gate Bridge, where she jumped and killed herself. After her father finds out that his daughter died, the novel flashbacks to the process of him and his wife, Erika, adopting Casey in a Polish Orphanage. Throughout the novel her father explains the events of his parenting experience and the growth of Casey. When she was a toddler she often had temper tantrums and her behavior was harmful to herself and her parents. As she grew up these tantrums and fits became worst and frequent. Her parents constantly have to deal with this bad behavior and no matter what they do, whether that is punishing her or talking to her calmly, these tantrums never ended. Having this behavior affected Casey’s academics and relationship with her parents, causing her to smoke and use drugs. Everyday in their household consisted of a battle between Casey and her parents.
I give this book a five out of five stars. John Brooks did an amazing job with the layout of the novel and the topic is something that I enjoy learning. The psychological meaning behind the story is very touching and deep which is what kept me engaged into it. Even though I have not experienced these events in the novel, I do enjoy learning about the human behavior and the therapeutic environment that the author provides me. When I get older I dream of caring for people with mental health and hopefully become a therapist, this book helps me understand why some people may behave in a certain way. Something I would like to know is how does Casey’s father move on and what does the future hold for him and his wife? John Brooks novel, The Girl Behind the Door, is one of my favorite books so far.
June 26, 2018
This is raw as hell. I've read books about far more harrowing experiences, but this grieving father exposes his heart and soul and his pain took my breath away. I had a difficult time reading this and not being majorly bummed.
John Brooks and his wife Erika adopt Casey from Poland in the early 90s. She is already over a year old and living in an orphanage. Although she has a reasonably normal childhood, she becomes out of control as a teenager. Interesting book in that it explores Attachment Disorder, heavily affecting children who went without a primary caregiver, which the author is now well aware of . He knew nothing about it prior to his daughter taking her life. This dad just broke my heart. He tried so hard to do everything right and it all went so very wrong.
John Brooks and his wife Erika adopt Casey from Poland in the early 90s. She is already over a year old and living in an orphanage. Although she has a reasonably normal childhood, she becomes out of control as a teenager. Interesting book in that it explores Attachment Disorder, heavily affecting children who went without a primary caregiver, which the author is now well aware of . He knew nothing about it prior to his daughter taking her life. This dad just broke my heart. He tried so hard to do everything right and it all went so very wrong.
January 16, 2018
John and Erika Brooks experienced a parent's worst nightmare, when their seventeen-year-old daughter, Casey, jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge and took her own life. He shares Casey's and their family's story so that others may benefit from the tragedy.
This book is a candid telling of their story. Poignant and heartbreaking, and yet filled with love for his daughter. I wanted to read it because I have long been interested in how the experiences of childhood translate into who we are as adults. And, how and why seemingly insignificant events can often stay with us our entire lives. I am richer for having read this book.
This book is a candid telling of their story. Poignant and heartbreaking, and yet filled with love for his daughter. I wanted to read it because I have long been interested in how the experiences of childhood translate into who we are as adults. And, how and why seemingly insignificant events can often stay with us our entire lives. I am richer for having read this book.
September 13, 2019
This book is a must read in my opinion. It helped me understand something i never understood before. And had helped me i think to understand someone better. I started this book assuming it was going to be a book with a twist like that it wasnt suicide, and was prepared to be disappointed and unimpressed. However this book is exactly the opposite to what i expected, and the opposite to the books i normally read. But i absolutely loved it! If you havent already give it a go!
April 25, 2025
I’m not sure how to even begin talking about this book, but here we go. As someone actively working with youth in foster care displaying many of the same challenges as Casey for many of the same reasons, this was a lot.
Reading and sitting with this desperate, grieving parent’s point of view forced me to let down the insulation I often need to put in place when encountering similar tough real life stories. It also reminded me, as someone who is always “team my client” to double check that I’m not expecting too much from caregivers.
Most of all, knowing what I do about trauma and attachment while having the privilege to not be in Casey’s parents’ shoes was brutal. Every single invalidating or rejecting interaction, missed opportunity to co-regulate, punitive reaction, felt like watching an avoidable car crash while getting punched in the gut. And personally this experience had me both tripling down on and reconsidering my desire to be a father. I’m glad to be forced to feel all this.
It’s impossible to rate a book like this, but it also should be impossible to avoid reading it.
Reading and sitting with this desperate, grieving parent’s point of view forced me to let down the insulation I often need to put in place when encountering similar tough real life stories. It also reminded me, as someone who is always “team my client” to double check that I’m not expecting too much from caregivers.
Most of all, knowing what I do about trauma and attachment while having the privilege to not be in Casey’s parents’ shoes was brutal. Every single invalidating or rejecting interaction, missed opportunity to co-regulate, punitive reaction, felt like watching an avoidable car crash while getting punched in the gut. And personally this experience had me both tripling down on and reconsidering my desire to be a father. I’m glad to be forced to feel all this.
It’s impossible to rate a book like this, but it also should be impossible to avoid reading it.
Read
February 19, 2017Once again, my predilection for bereavement memoirs has gotten me into trouble, as I am faced, again, with the task of digesting the tale of someone's loss and assigning it a numerical rating. However, I don't think I can do that with this book: I think The Girl Behind The Door is going to be the first book I've read since I joined Goodreads that I can't give a rating out of five stars.
I've mentioned this before on my Goodreads account, but for a couple of (personal) reasons I find myself inexorably drawn to book about the process of grieving; books I've reviewed here before that fit into that genre are A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius and Blue Nights. Granted, I did have hesitations with those books about how to evaluate their literary merit in light of the subject matter, but on a fundamental level, in books like that, people like Didion and Eggers are writers first and witnesses to their own personal tragedies second. Yes, the telling of these tales is an act of catharsis - but, consciously or not, they both still try to produce a work with artistic merit: I was ultimately able to give those works ratings based on how the succeeded or failed in that regard.
The Girl Behind The Door is different. It's not that Brooks isn't a competent writer - or even a good one: it's just very evident that he isn't trying to achieve literary success with this book. He's trying to achieve catharsis; he's also trying to speak to other families that have gone through similar things, and specifically to raise awareness of attachment disorders. The Girl Behind The Door spoke to me, it touched me, and I am glad that I picked it up. I'd encourage others to read it. I just don't know that I can tell you how much I "enjoyed" it - because I don't think you're supposed to.
I've mentioned this before on my Goodreads account, but for a couple of (personal) reasons I find myself inexorably drawn to book about the process of grieving; books I've reviewed here before that fit into that genre are A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius and Blue Nights. Granted, I did have hesitations with those books about how to evaluate their literary merit in light of the subject matter, but on a fundamental level, in books like that, people like Didion and Eggers are writers first and witnesses to their own personal tragedies second. Yes, the telling of these tales is an act of catharsis - but, consciously or not, they both still try to produce a work with artistic merit: I was ultimately able to give those works ratings based on how the succeeded or failed in that regard.
The Girl Behind The Door is different. It's not that Brooks isn't a competent writer - or even a good one: it's just very evident that he isn't trying to achieve literary success with this book. He's trying to achieve catharsis; he's also trying to speak to other families that have gone through similar things, and specifically to raise awareness of attachment disorders. The Girl Behind The Door spoke to me, it touched me, and I am glad that I picked it up. I'd encourage others to read it. I just don't know that I can tell you how much I "enjoyed" it - because I don't think you're supposed to.
February 28, 2016
This was a really powerful book. It opens with the author waking up to find that his daughter Casey isn't home and has left what looks to be a suicide note. After calling the police and heading out to the Golden Gate Bridge, they are devastated to learn that she has jumped off the bridge.
The book goes all the way back to when they adopted Casey from Poland when she was 14 months old. From the time they brought her home, she was prone to impossible fits. She would wail and scream and kick and bite. It continued all through her childhood and into the teen years. Her parents often found themselves at their wits' end with her behavior. They tried therapist after therapist to no avail. After her suicide, which seemed to be an unfortunate and irreversible rash decision, her father began researching attachment disorders and realized that those crucial developmental months during her first year of life spent in an orphanage permanently shaped her personality and behaviors.
I feel so badly for the author. It is abundantly clear that he and his wife tried everything they could to help their daughter. Unfortunately, they did not have the full understanding of the root of her behavioral problems. I felt so bad for Casey, but the way she acted was atrocious and I see why sometimes her parents reacted the way they did.
I am glad this book was written because it brings attention to two important things - understanding attachment disorders and putting a suicide barrier up at the Golden Gate Bridge. The afterword mentioned that the barrier was voted for in 2014, with hopes to start building in 2016 and finish in 2019.
The book goes all the way back to when they adopted Casey from Poland when she was 14 months old. From the time they brought her home, she was prone to impossible fits. She would wail and scream and kick and bite. It continued all through her childhood and into the teen years. Her parents often found themselves at their wits' end with her behavior. They tried therapist after therapist to no avail. After her suicide, which seemed to be an unfortunate and irreversible rash decision, her father began researching attachment disorders and realized that those crucial developmental months during her first year of life spent in an orphanage permanently shaped her personality and behaviors.
I feel so badly for the author. It is abundantly clear that he and his wife tried everything they could to help their daughter. Unfortunately, they did not have the full understanding of the root of her behavioral problems. I felt so bad for Casey, but the way she acted was atrocious and I see why sometimes her parents reacted the way they did.
I am glad this book was written because it brings attention to two important things - understanding attachment disorders and putting a suicide barrier up at the Golden Gate Bridge. The afterword mentioned that the barrier was voted for in 2014, with hopes to start building in 2016 and finish in 2019.
June 4, 2014
As the mother of a child we adopted from Eastern Europe, now in her late teens, I could totally relate to this book. The author did an amazing job capturing the challenges of raising a child with attachment issues as a result of early institutionalization.
I applaud his honesty. Over and over, while reading the book, I wanted to tell him to respond in a different way to his daughter. Yet he was honest, sharing that nobody prepared him for attachment issues. I was so surprised that the therapists he reached out to never caught on to the connection between adoption and his daughter's issues. That's a huge disappointment. I'm grateful that the adoption agency we worked with educated us about these issues, and spurred me to read more about them on my own. It's been a big help to us to be educated about what to expect.
Although the author isn't an outstanding writer, the story is one well worth reading, especially for adoptive parents. I highly recommend this book, and appreciate the author's willingness to share his story.
I applaud his honesty. Over and over, while reading the book, I wanted to tell him to respond in a different way to his daughter. Yet he was honest, sharing that nobody prepared him for attachment issues. I was so surprised that the therapists he reached out to never caught on to the connection between adoption and his daughter's issues. That's a huge disappointment. I'm grateful that the adoption agency we worked with educated us about these issues, and spurred me to read more about them on my own. It's been a big help to us to be educated about what to expect.
Although the author isn't an outstanding writer, the story is one well worth reading, especially for adoptive parents. I highly recommend this book, and appreciate the author's willingness to share his story.
February 26, 2016
A heartbreaking memoir about a father trying to come to grips with his daughter's life and ultimately her suicide. Brooks and his wife adopted Casey from Poland at 14 months old, and Brooks never truly appreciated the devastating consequences of attachment disorder until after she died. He is very honest about his (and his wife's) mistakes and his thesis seems to be that this didn't have to happen, and perhaps wouldn't have if he'd understood what early life in an orphanage could mean. It was a very salient point about the fact they shouldn't have "punished" her but gotten to the root of it (and they tried many a therapist...just not the "right" ones, but they absolutely cannot be blamed for this.) At times the story is a little too straightforward and simplistic in tone for the subject matter, but there's really no great way to handle this story. I hope this book is a huge success and brings awareness to the very real issue, at least in the adoption and fostering communities.
April 23, 2014
"The Girl Behind the Door" by John Brooks is a compelling true story about a family in turmoil, how it came to be that, and the aftermath that followed. A sad but painfully honest story, it's about mistaking a child’s pain for bad behavior. The author generously opens up his heart and vulnerability to reveal his daughter’s journey through life that ended so tragically, his desperate search for answers, the waves of guilt he endured, and his pursuit to help other families who are in similar situations. With narrative that was sometimes difficult to hear, this book provides valuable insight into attachment disorder--a must read for parents whose adopted children are displaying inexplicable troubling behavior.
February 17, 2016
I liked this book! It goes deep into the relationship of parent and child with a powerless feeling of not doing a good job at parenting.
October 25, 2018
This was a quick read, first because the life stories disclosed are so accessible and real. Second, because the author’s candor was disarming. Parenting is hard: Trying to understand children growing up in a continually modern world, our generation-old tools are never adequate to fully comprehend or deal with their needs – if we ever have the luxury of identifying them. The father in this book took the time in processing and sharing his story and personal experiences, to illustrate just how easy it is to get lost in the power struggles within individual battles rather than focusing on the goal of winning the war. Not that parenting should be a battle or a war – the longer parents are parents, the more they (hopefully) tend to see that this “war” isn’t a violent brawl between divergent ideologies. It’s more, or should be more, similar to two divergent parties on thick and overgrown jungle paths, attempting to clear away a view toward true purpose and deep meaning in life. Eventually, parents and child converge on this path, heading always as they’ll discover, in the same ultimate direction. Sadly, that eventuality never came for John and Erika, the loving and now pained parents in this book.
This book is so important for parents and any professional who works with children and teens. We need to take off our blinders and to dispel our need for control so that we might look to possible unseen contributors to children’s distress, whether their symptoms indicate normal or special needs. Trauma of any form can deeply impact a child and lead to severe issues later in life. A primary message this book has to offer, beyond the hidden impact of adoption and theories on attachment in children, is that our time is very short with our children, and that they are indeed vulnerable: Love them unconditionally.
This book is so important for parents and any professional who works with children and teens. We need to take off our blinders and to dispel our need for control so that we might look to possible unseen contributors to children’s distress, whether their symptoms indicate normal or special needs. Trauma of any form can deeply impact a child and lead to severe issues later in life. A primary message this book has to offer, beyond the hidden impact of adoption and theories on attachment in children, is that our time is very short with our children, and that they are indeed vulnerable: Love them unconditionally.
July 12, 2017
As the sister of an adoptee whose moods and outbursts turned my childhood into a minefield, and having endured the suicide of another close family member I could certainly relate to this book. There were many echoes from my own life. I felt profound sympathy for the parents and what they had to endure--being held hostage by their daughter's behavior and moods. It was a blessing they had only one child, which may sound callous if you've never been a sibling to someone who acts like a human tornado and sucks up all your parents' emotional and financial resources. If anything I thought the author was too hard on himself. The speculation at the end of the book on alternative coping techniques to his daughter's behaviors were all conjecture and theory.
Certainly good to know more about attachment theory as I would certainly pass on the information to anyone I knew that was experiencing similar problems with a child.
Certainly good to know more about attachment theory as I would certainly pass on the information to anyone I knew that was experiencing similar problems with a child.
December 30, 2018
No debe de ser nada fácil para un padre cuya hija se suicidó a los diecisiete años enfrentarse al juicio de cualquier lector. Otro habría ocultado datos o los habría maquillado. Sin embargo, John Brooks se expone por completo porque su motivación es la de prevenir y dar respuestas. Intentar que nadie más se tire por el puente de San Francisco. Provocar que ningún chaval más se quede sin ayuda porque nadie sabe lo que le pasa. Contestar a las dudas de los padres que, desesperados, no saben qué les ocurre a sus hijos adoptados.
John Brooks ha creado una página web. Casi vintage. En ella, además de su compromiso con la prevención, hay fotos y videos de Casey, su hija. Pone la piel de gallina. La exposición al público es tan honesta y brutal que da hasta pudor asomarse. Es posible que cuestionen cualquier otra cosa pero no que este hombre quería con locura a su hija. Como dice Anne Lamott, "la verdad siempre es una paradoja".
John Brooks ha creado una página web. Casi vintage. En ella, además de su compromiso con la prevención, hay fotos y videos de Casey, su hija. Pone la piel de gallina. La exposición al público es tan honesta y brutal que da hasta pudor asomarse. Es posible que cuestionen cualquier otra cosa pero no que este hombre quería con locura a su hija. Como dice Anne Lamott, "la verdad siempre es una paradoja".
January 22, 2025
The premise was of interest, but I spent a good deal of time feeling very frustrated at the parents for not being better prepared to welcome an orphan child into their home. If they had researched on their own, they'd have known about attachment disorder and other issues that children in orphanages face. Rather than blame the agency, advocates, staff, and society itself, they should have looked in a mirror at the many mistakes and bad decisions they made throughout poor Casey's life. Grounding her for behavior stemming from inner rage and self-loathing? No, you take her to a psychiatrist (not therapists) who can prescribe meds among other treatments.
I definitely find Brooks as arrogant and self-serving.
I certainly don't understand all the accolades from so-called experts listed in the book's beginning.
I definitely find Brooks as arrogant and self-serving.
I certainly don't understand all the accolades from so-called experts listed in the book's beginning.
July 15, 2018
One of those memoirs I read very quickly. It's hard to stop reading when the book opens with a 16 year old girl jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. You want to know what happened that led her to this.
It was on the list of one of the writers in my most recent class because she's writing about adopting a baby from an orphanage in a Soviet Bloc country and so did John Brooks and his wife. Only much later after his daughter's stormy childhood and adolescence and suicide, did he learn about the prevalence of "attachment disorder" in children who have institutionalized and understand how he and his wife could have done a better job of dealing with their daughter's issues.
Really sobering considering how the U.S. is institutionalizing the children of people seeking asylum.
It was on the list of one of the writers in my most recent class because she's writing about adopting a baby from an orphanage in a Soviet Bloc country and so did John Brooks and his wife. Only much later after his daughter's stormy childhood and adolescence and suicide, did he learn about the prevalence of "attachment disorder" in children who have institutionalized and understand how he and his wife could have done a better job of dealing with their daughter's issues.
Really sobering considering how the U.S. is institutionalizing the children of people seeking asylum.
August 13, 2019
This book is one of the most disturbing accounts I've ever read. There are so many questions unanswered aside from the actual suicide. Why in the world wasn't that door replaced with a curtain, why had the parents not known what was on her Facebook page, why did they not leave that troubled county, why oh why say such hateful things to your own daughter? I get parental frustration, and at least the author is honest about the anger and absolute helplessness dealing with Casey. But something here is wrong, just wrong, like everyone just wanted the problem to magically disappear or fix its own self. How alone that poor girl must have felt sobbing behind that door. Jesus.
October 24, 2019
In the first of its kind, the Girl Behind the Door integrates both a personal, tragic experience concerning adoption with vital information from the experts. The memoir chronicles John Brooks' life as an adoptive father in his journey for answers to his daughter Casey's suicide. It details deep into the everyday challenges the Brooks' faced in raising Casey, beginning in Poland to the morning she is discovered missing and the race to locate her, and ending with John's extensive research into his daughter's personal thoughts and feelings from her friends and into attachment disorder. Mark my words, this will be a future film.
September 4, 2018
This book was hard to rate after digesting that it is true and this father is truly grieving. The book starts with the suicide of his daughter, and then the author goes into the story of how he and his wife adopted this baby from Poland. The author is trying to find where he and his wife went wrong that ultimately led to his daughter taking her own life. This is an eye opener for adopters/adoptions. I have never heard of attachment disorder, but I feel like it is more common than society realizes.
September 8, 2018
Moving and heartbreaking book about parenting, adoption, and suicide. Very well-written—I can’t believe this was Brooks’s first time writing a book. This is a must read for parents (even those not considering adoption), mental health advocates, policy makers, etc., and anyone interested in a worldwide problem that affects so many children and adoptive parents, yet has long been ignored. Equal parts personal/anecdotal and informative/scholarly.
I am struggling to coherently sum up how I feel after reading this—there are no words... just read it yourself!
I am struggling to coherently sum up how I feel after reading this—there are no words... just read it yourself!
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February 15, 2021This is a book that I don't feel comfortable assigning a number/star rating to. I wouldn't say I enjoyed it, but I don't think it's a book you're meant to enjoy. I'm glad I read it, and I am grateful to the author for his willingness to share his family's story with the world. His discussion of his family's history and experiences was raw and real and I appreciate his candidness and openness. I hope that this book helped him find some closure and that this story (and more like it) foster discussion around attachment disorders and how to approach it in a way that can help other families.
May 5, 2021
I wanted to like this book. I really did. The first chapters when John recounts the adoption process was touching, and I really loved reading about the family's history with what they went through, but the book felt completely unfinished. I was left with so many questions and I needed to know what these people did after. Also, my heart hurts for John and Erika, but I feel John just kind of rotated between eternal self-blame and blaming his daughter's suicide on attachment disorder. I just finished the book wondering how much attachment disorder really affected her actual suicide.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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