The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book

by Anna Pulley, Kelsey Beyer (Illustrator)

Lesbian sex has been confounding people since the dawn of time. What is it that two women do together exactly? The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (with Cats!) is a humorous guide to lesbian sex, dating rituals, and relationships, and aims to dispel all myths. Haiku paired with hilarious watercolor illustrations of cats in various stages of sexual awkwardness will enlighten, demystify, remystify, and most importantly entertain as you learn about all the aspects involved in girl-on-girl action.

From lesbian pick-up lines:

Pronounce Annie Proulx's
name correctly—watch lady's
cargo pants fall off.

To icebreaker haiku for first dates:

It has been MANY
years, but I'm not done griping
about The L Word.

To, of course, the mechanics of lesbian sex:

It's like straight sex but
afterwards we ask ourselves,
"We just had sex, right?"

Lesbian sex is
like water polo—no one
really knows the rules.

This laugh-out-loud book is the perfect gift to amuse and educate your friends, loved ones, and lovers.

Genres: Poetry, LGBT, Queer, Humor, Lesbian, Nonfiction, Cats

160 pages, Hardcover

First published April 19, 2016

About the author

ANNA PULLEY is a queer, mixed-race, hard-of-hearing writer living in the Bay Area. She writes rom-coms and is the author of The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (with Cats!), which Tegan and Sara said was "an adorable and hilarious way to start the day," Cheryl Strayed called a "must-read," and actress Jennifer Tilly said was "thoroughly charming." She writes a weekly sex and dating advice column for The Chicago Tribune and been published in New York magazine, Mother Jones, The Washington Post, San Francisco magazine (the issue she contributed to won a National Magazine Award), Vice, Salon, BuzzFeed, and many others. She was also named a Top LGBTQ Writer on Medium. Her writing was excerpted/quoted in Esther Perel's book, The State of Affairs. She's been a repeat guest on Dan Savage's podcast, Savage Love, on Daniel M. Lavery's "Dear Prudence" podcast, and most recently on the popular 99% Invisible podcast.

When not writing or reading, you'll find her trapped under a cat, probably.

Reviews

[Agirlcandream · Rating 4 out of 5]

So many memorable haikus along with adorable kitty illustrations. The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book is filled with tongue-in-cheek looks at stereotypical moments in lesbian relationships, many touching an embarrassing nerve. The good, the bad and the hilarious stages of dating and trying to make your relationship work, all in 17 syllables sound bites.

[CaseyTheCanadianLesbrarian · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very amusing book that plays tongue-in-cheek with stereotypes about queer women, mostly related to dating (trying to figure out if the multiple hang outs you've had with one woman were dates to dating your ex's ex to trying and failing to break up). I really loved the cheeky drawing of cats as lesbians! The references in here are very west coast lesbian for women currently in the 30-40 age range. Also some spot on bisexual jokes too! ("Monosexual? I guess I respect your choice to limit yourself")

[Tori · Rating 4 out of 5]

funny and cute and mostly a lesbian poking fun at lesbian stereotypes!

Some faves:

How about we stop
beating 'round the bush and start...
beating 'round the bush

It's like straight sex, but
we don't have to rub one out
ourselves afterward

How lesbian sexting works
Autocorrect turns
"mmm" to "mom." Freud rises from
grave: "I told you so!"

[VIVI ★ · Rating 4 out of 5]

I expected more cat drawings but I'm not mad about what we got! Still, the cat art was one of the best parts, I loved the art style.

A lot of it is a bit niche, but it's unreasonable to expect any lesbian reader to relate to everything. That being said I couldn't relate to a lot of it, but I could relate to some things.
But it definitely got some laughs out of me and my girlfriend :)

[Lissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is as funny as you'll think it will be. I mean, come on, can you really go wrong when adding drawings of cats to haiku about lesbians? The answer, of course, is no, you cannot.

[Lexxi Kitty · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some great funny humorous time spent reading this book. Though, admittedly, there were a few aspects that I either didn’t ‘get’ or felt were a little repetitive (some of which corresponded to stereotypes – like, do all lesbians actually spend all their time deconstructing the patriarchal society while munching on all organic vegetarian tofu “pizza” while drinking ‘lite’ beer? I kind of got the impression that they do from the many many haiku’s dealing with those subject matters. Yes? Oh. Okay.)

Re: didn’t get - the ‘lesbian sex is or isn’t this way’ I got, the ‘if lesbian porn was accurate’ I didn’t get (I get the idea, I didn’t understand the haiku directed toward that issue). Ooooh, I misread the section heading. Now I get it. I thought it was ‘if porn was real’ or maybe ‘if lesbian porn was real’, which has a different connotation in my mind than ‘if lesbian porn was accurate.’ Vaguely different. That or the paragraph saying that much of the poetry was based on real porn. Made me think I was going to read porn parody – as in . . . I don’t know, awkward sex? Something like that. Which is maybe what I got. Maybe I was just tired during that section? No matter. Example below.

Two blondes engage in some much-sought-after pussy play
Susan and Chris knew
how understaffed the local
no-kill shelter was.

Some highlights:
Some haiku - behind spoilers as some might like to read them in the book for themselves.

This crush, relentless.
I am like a cat and you're
a laser pointer.

(how to pick up) The too-cool-for-this-bar lesbian
Engage her in a
contest to see who can roll
her eyes the hardest.

Awkward lesbian unicorn proposition
Has anyone told
you that you make them HORNy?
They have? Okay, great.

What to say to all women after sex
You must be famished!
Let’s wear loose pants and raid the
Fridge like we are bears.

How to break up with a lesbian
Tell her that you loved
the Star Wars prequels more than
the originals.

Break-ups and the time in between
Change your dildo’s name
to Obama. Have the
audacity to hope.

Great ex-pectations
You are forever
Waiting for that toaster that
You have been promised.

The difficult art of flirtation
To the wrong women:
you’re predatory. The right
ones: you’re TOO SUBTLE.

Serve her breakfast in
bed. Tell her it’s not ‘cause you
don’t own a table.

[Jeimy · Rating 5 out of 5]

There are no words, just laughs.

[Kelsey]

I may have ruined this book for my girlfriend by following her around and reading her parts from it. Thoroughly enjoyed.

[Alyssa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whimsical and sexy, playful and beguiling- all these words and more describe Anna and Kelsey...and their book is pretty great too ;)

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

My haiku review:

I may not be a
lesbian, but this book is
funny as hell, ya'll!

[Natalie Moreland · Rating 4 out of 5]

From this book I learned
I am not a lesbian
Though I dress like one

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Utterly delightful!

[Marthe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Enjoyable, hilarious, and relatable. Includes many cats, which makes it even better!

[Me, My Shelf, & I]

I’d love it if we
could message each other for
months and never meet.

I knew your cat’s name,
diet, and hobbies before
I got to know yours.

Some of these were quite fun, a lot were just okay. And then there was a whole subsection that was mostly related to social awareness which is more tied to age group than sexuality? So that was confusing for me.

Ultimately: needs more cats.

[Heather Brose · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't know how many times I laughed out loud reading these. I especially enjoyed that a bisexual section was included. I related with several of these haikus and can't wait re-read this all over again if I'm having a bad day.

Also there are wonderful illustrations of cats included!

[Lo]

There's basically nothing I love more than my local library, but I'm ready to throw a brick through the window b/c they don't have this book :(

[Kelli Teel · Rating 5 out of 5]

just all around goofy and fun. a good way to kick off my 2025 reading challenge

[Steph · Rating 4 out of 5]

super cute & funny. the watercolor cats are lovely and the haikus are embarrassingly relatable. it'd make a great gay gift!!

here's my favorite section of haikus, some fun date ideas:

[Jamie (TheRebelliousReader) · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 stars. This was funny and very tongue-in-cheek about lesbian stereotypes and there are adorable cat illustrations throughout. This was light hearted and so entertaining. A very fun read.

[Lilia Pereira · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'll be honest... I'm not big on poetry, specially the kind that follow strick syllabic rules such as haikus (I blame advance literature analysis in school and college for that) but this book surely makes an nice example of an exception to the rule.
Anyone picking this book expecting lesbian porn (with cats!) will be disappointed. This book reads like a list of lesbian stereotypes the likes of those you can find everywhere around the web. But that is what makes it so fun. I found myself laughing out loud many times while I was reading at 1 am, in the middle of the night. But it is also true that sometimes I found myself scratching my head because I wouldn't get some of the references - that is what happens when you're either too young or too new to the whole lesbian culture (such as myself). Even though that happened a few times, most of the book reads quickly and with great enjoyment. The cat illustriations are also cute and/or hilarius and relevant to the context. But trust me, you won't be able to look at cats the same way ever again, lol.
The only reason for my rating being only 4 stars lays with the fact that this book would be best read without the haiku poems format (it would be less confusing at least). And also because it's so short!

Overall, this is a great read for everyone, not only lesbians (it also pokes fun at heterosexual sex as well as lesbian sex) and/or cat lovers. It works best as a followup to a more heavy read. It will definetly lift your spirits.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was not the target audience for this book. The illustrations are very cute, but most if not all of the haikus are for a certain age and culture of lesbians that I apparently missed out on. I'd check it out but wouldn't buy it again.

[Erika · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quick hilarious read. I was laughing the whole time. Somethings are just funny. I would recommend reading this book, if you’re a lesbian that likes laughing.

[Andrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

A hilarious and insightful look into lesbians, lesbian relationships and cultural references, made up of ingenious haikus and beautiful lesbian cat illustrations, also funny of their own right. It acknowledges trans women and nonbinary and gender-nonconforming people, and dedicates a chapter and several haikus to bisexuals as well. Light-hearted and humorous in its honesty and full of irony in both haikus and illustrations. Did I mention it has beautiful drawings of cats? Lesbian cats? Recommended for sapphic women, queer people who are attracted to women, and cat lovers. They'll get it.

[Ritambhara Bhattacharjee · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's funny, entertaining and interesting.

For a pretty niche genre, this collection of poetry and cat illustrations might just have something for everyone. It can easily capture the readers attention. It's very well written. Beyer is an incredible illustrator, capturing nuanced facial expressions of cats that I did not know could exist until now. This book gives me a lot of feelings, so if you need more of those, you should buy this book, too.

[Holly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I laughed out loud a number of times. About all things lesbian, not just sex - silly and way too accurate.

[Ruth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hilarious haikus, along with funny cat illustrations, depicting and laughing at stereotypes of lesbians. I enjoyed it and definitely found myself laughing out loud.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

Utterly charming, funny, and very real.

[Grac(i)e Under Pressure · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious and so much lesbian truth! Love the cat illustrations & lesbian cat puns😻

[Megan Fritz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an adorable and hilarious book about dating as a WLW. Pokes fun at all the stereotypes and truths.

[Alyssa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely hilarious & endearing