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On Hearing of My Mother's Death Six Years After It Happened: A Daughter's Memoir of Mental Illness
It was the spring of 1989. I was sixteen years old, a junior in high school and an honors student. I had what every teenager wants: a stable family, a nice home in the suburbs, a great group of friends, big plans for my future, and no reason to believe that any of that would ever change.
Then came my mother's psychosis.
I experienced first-hand the terror of watching someone I loved transform into a monster, the terror of discovering that I was to be her primary victim. For years I’ve lived with the sadness of knowing that she, too, was a helpless victim – a victim of a terrible disease that consumed and destroyed the strong and caring woman I had once called Mom.
My mother's illness took everything. My family, my home, my friends, my future. A year and a half later I would be living alone on the street on the other side of the country, wondering whether I could even survive on my own.
But I did. That was how my mother - my real mother - raised me. To survive.
She, too, was a survivor. It wasn't until last year that I learned that she had died - in 2007. No one will ever know her side of the story now. But perhaps, at last, it’s time for me to tell mine.
Then came my mother's psychosis.
I experienced first-hand the terror of watching someone I loved transform into a monster, the terror of discovering that I was to be her primary victim. For years I’ve lived with the sadness of knowing that she, too, was a helpless victim – a victim of a terrible disease that consumed and destroyed the strong and caring woman I had once called Mom.
My mother's illness took everything. My family, my home, my friends, my future. A year and a half later I would be living alone on the street on the other side of the country, wondering whether I could even survive on my own.
But I did. That was how my mother - my real mother - raised me. To survive.
She, too, was a survivor. It wasn't until last year that I learned that she had died - in 2007. No one will ever know her side of the story now. But perhaps, at last, it’s time for me to tell mine.
85 pages, Kindle Edition
First published November 7, 2014
231 people are currently reading
2370 people want to read
About the author
Lori Schafer
65 books136 followersWhen I was in the seventh grade, my English teacher assigned us a creative writing project for Halloween. We were to compose short stories, which we would then read aloud before the class, coupled with a competition of sorts in which the students would vote on who had written the best one.
Now in my pre-teen years, I was not what you would term the most popular kid in school. Perhaps it was those horrible "Student-of-the-Month" photos of me hanging in the main hallway, which they somehow always managed to take right after gym when my hair was flying every which way, or perhaps it was the oxford shirts and corduroy trousers in which my mother dressed me because I refused to participate in ridiculous wastes of time like school-clothes shopping. It certainly didn't help that in addition to being smart and studious, I was also very, very shy, which led many to believe that I was stuck-up. I suppose if you're naturally adept at making conversation, it's difficult to understand that other kids might not be.
You can therefore easily picture the scene in the classroom that day: the anxious adolescent girl slouched in her seat, sweat drenching the armpits of her button-up shirt as she watched the clock, fervently hoping that time would run out before her turn came. You can imagine my nervousness when, five minutes before the bell, my teacher called me to the front of the class, the last reader to go; my terror as I stumbled up to her desk clutching the half-sheets of paper on which I'd scrawled my assignment. As usual, I had pushed the limits on the suggested length - my story was at least twice as long as anyone else's - and the only saving grace of this enforced public humiliation, I thought, was that I would undoubtedly run out of time to finish it before the lunch bell rang.
Tucking my loose hair back behind my ears and focusing my eyes firmly on my papers, I began to read. It turned out that reading wasn't so bad; unlike giving an oral report, you didn't actually have to look at any of the other students. And it was a decent story, I reflected as I flipped through the pages, concentrating hard on not losing my place. At least my classmates were sitting silently, which made them easier to ignore.
At last I reached the climax of my tale, which was where it turned gruesome. The main character had gotten trapped in a fire, and I remember describing, in disgusting detail, the sizzle of the hairs frying on his arms as the hot flames neared. I remember describing the flames devouring his flesh, great flaps of it falling from his skeleton as his skin seared away. And I remember the silence of the classroom; I remember it breaking, the moans and groans that swelled all around me as I depicted my main character's excruciating demise, only to be interrupted by the harsh clanging of the bell.
No one stirred; no one rose; no one left. I glanced at my teacher, who nodded. The other students sat rapt while I finished my story, and they applauded when I was done. There was no question that I had won the contest.
I was pleased that my story had gone over well, of course, but it wasn't until the following week, when other kids were still coming up to talk to me about it, that I understood that I had somehow made an impression that went beyond my gruesome, graphic horror story. It was as if I had revealed that somewhere beneath that classic nerdy exterior was a real honest-to-goodness person, a kid who thought about things like destruction and death, and flames eating flesh, and how best to describe such horrific events.
I never wrote horror again - I suppose it just wasn't my thing - and I've never made much of Halloween, either. I've never liked the pressure of having to pick out a costume and then explain why I chose it; I've never even understood the appeal of dressing up and playing pretend. I have other ways of exploring my darker sides. Nowadays you won't find me in a starched, striped shirt, or in old-fashioned slacks, b
Now in my pre-teen years, I was not what you would term the most popular kid in school. Perhaps it was those horrible "Student-of-the-Month" photos of me hanging in the main hallway, which they somehow always managed to take right after gym when my hair was flying every which way, or perhaps it was the oxford shirts and corduroy trousers in which my mother dressed me because I refused to participate in ridiculous wastes of time like school-clothes shopping. It certainly didn't help that in addition to being smart and studious, I was also very, very shy, which led many to believe that I was stuck-up. I suppose if you're naturally adept at making conversation, it's difficult to understand that other kids might not be.
You can therefore easily picture the scene in the classroom that day: the anxious adolescent girl slouched in her seat, sweat drenching the armpits of her button-up shirt as she watched the clock, fervently hoping that time would run out before her turn came. You can imagine my nervousness when, five minutes before the bell, my teacher called me to the front of the class, the last reader to go; my terror as I stumbled up to her desk clutching the half-sheets of paper on which I'd scrawled my assignment. As usual, I had pushed the limits on the suggested length - my story was at least twice as long as anyone else's - and the only saving grace of this enforced public humiliation, I thought, was that I would undoubtedly run out of time to finish it before the lunch bell rang.
Tucking my loose hair back behind my ears and focusing my eyes firmly on my papers, I began to read. It turned out that reading wasn't so bad; unlike giving an oral report, you didn't actually have to look at any of the other students. And it was a decent story, I reflected as I flipped through the pages, concentrating hard on not losing my place. At least my classmates were sitting silently, which made them easier to ignore.
At last I reached the climax of my tale, which was where it turned gruesome. The main character had gotten trapped in a fire, and I remember describing, in disgusting detail, the sizzle of the hairs frying on his arms as the hot flames neared. I remember describing the flames devouring his flesh, great flaps of it falling from his skeleton as his skin seared away. And I remember the silence of the classroom; I remember it breaking, the moans and groans that swelled all around me as I depicted my main character's excruciating demise, only to be interrupted by the harsh clanging of the bell.
No one stirred; no one rose; no one left. I glanced at my teacher, who nodded. The other students sat rapt while I finished my story, and they applauded when I was done. There was no question that I had won the contest.
I was pleased that my story had gone over well, of course, but it wasn't until the following week, when other kids were still coming up to talk to me about it, that I understood that I had somehow made an impression that went beyond my gruesome, graphic horror story. It was as if I had revealed that somewhere beneath that classic nerdy exterior was a real honest-to-goodness person, a kid who thought about things like destruction and death, and flames eating flesh, and how best to describe such horrific events.
I never wrote horror again - I suppose it just wasn't my thing - and I've never made much of Halloween, either. I've never liked the pressure of having to pick out a costume and then explain why I chose it; I've never even understood the appeal of dressing up and playing pretend. I have other ways of exploring my darker sides. Nowadays you won't find me in a starched, striped shirt, or in old-fashioned slacks, b
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 46 reviews
June 24, 2018
This is a heartfelt memoir by Lori Schafer; a story that I'm sure was hard to tell but needed to be told. At 16, Lori's life was pretty darned good. She was doing well in school, her family life was good, she was planning for a future she dreamed would be as bright as her present. That's when her world came crashing down in the form of severe mental illness.
Lori's mother went from being not only her mother and friend, but now a monster wearing mom's clothes. When terrifying psychosis began turning her loving mother into a villain, Lori became her favorite victim.
Lori did her best to function in this new ugly world that was suddenly thrust upon her, but a scant 18 months later, she found herself homeless, having run away as far as she could to escape the daily terror. Still a teen, she had lost everything dear to her, and had to learn to survive on the streets. Her once bright future was not just dimmed, it was enveloped in complete darkness.
Lori's mother passed in 2007, but Lori didn't know until six years later that her once beloved mother was gone. The range of emotions that comes with such a revelation are overwhelming at best.
A worthwhile, touching read. Bravo to Lori for sharing a difficult story.
Lori's mother went from being not only her mother and friend, but now a monster wearing mom's clothes. When terrifying psychosis began turning her loving mother into a villain, Lori became her favorite victim.
Lori did her best to function in this new ugly world that was suddenly thrust upon her, but a scant 18 months later, she found herself homeless, having run away as far as she could to escape the daily terror. Still a teen, she had lost everything dear to her, and had to learn to survive on the streets. Her once bright future was not just dimmed, it was enveloped in complete darkness.
Lori's mother passed in 2007, but Lori didn't know until six years later that her once beloved mother was gone. The range of emotions that comes with such a revelation are overwhelming at best.
A worthwhile, touching read. Bravo to Lori for sharing a difficult story.
November 26, 2014
Copy provided by the author in exchange for an honest review
This is a poignant memoir of how mother's mental illness affected her dearest - her children, especially Lori, her younger daughter. You can easily fell all the pain and sorrow Lori felt all those years ago. The story is told straight to the point, without theatrical elements. Lori is a fighter and a surviver.
"She rests, in peace. Perhaps now I can, too."
Lori struggled to have a normal life as her mother suffered from a mental illness. The story itself is heartbreaking, appaling and astonishing, especially author’s lack of self pity. As a 17 year old young girl she ran away from her home and ended up living alone in a car to avoid her strenuous mother. She writes as "Gloria", to interpret the dark side of her childhood, while giving herself a bit of remove as the writer. Still, there are few weak points. We’re never told what happened to her siblings or even Lori herself. The biggest part of the book deals with the author’s homelessness, but too little time is spent on Lori's departure from her mother.
Lori sends us one powerful message. No matter how many lemons life throws at you, in the end it is down to you to make as sweet lemonade as you like. Lori is brave, strong and determined woman. In addition, this is the tale of the loneliness and emptiness. The author jumps between meaningful events without covering the middle ground, which made me feel lost at times. She's not looking for sympathy, or anyone to feel sorry for her. Running away from home, living on the streets, days passing by without anything to eat. The events aren't told in chronological order which is also a downside. Despite all the craziness Lori’s mother put her through, this memoir doesn’t come across as bitter, wrathful or resentful. I congratulate Lori for it. She's done exeptional thing with this book.
"I didn’t know then that I was starving. I didn’t know then that I would spend much of the next two years living in my car and not eating. What I did know was that those prospects didn’t terrify me nearly as much as the thought of being hauled back to my mother."
This is a poignant memoir of how mother's mental illness affected her dearest - her children, especially Lori, her younger daughter. You can easily fell all the pain and sorrow Lori felt all those years ago. The story is told straight to the point, without theatrical elements. Lori is a fighter and a surviver.
"She rests, in peace. Perhaps now I can, too."
Lori struggled to have a normal life as her mother suffered from a mental illness. The story itself is heartbreaking, appaling and astonishing, especially author’s lack of self pity. As a 17 year old young girl she ran away from her home and ended up living alone in a car to avoid her strenuous mother. She writes as "Gloria", to interpret the dark side of her childhood, while giving herself a bit of remove as the writer. Still, there are few weak points. We’re never told what happened to her siblings or even Lori herself. The biggest part of the book deals with the author’s homelessness, but too little time is spent on Lori's departure from her mother.
Lori sends us one powerful message. No matter how many lemons life throws at you, in the end it is down to you to make as sweet lemonade as you like. Lori is brave, strong and determined woman. In addition, this is the tale of the loneliness and emptiness. The author jumps between meaningful events without covering the middle ground, which made me feel lost at times. She's not looking for sympathy, or anyone to feel sorry for her. Running away from home, living on the streets, days passing by without anything to eat. The events aren't told in chronological order which is also a downside. Despite all the craziness Lori’s mother put her through, this memoir doesn’t come across as bitter, wrathful or resentful. I congratulate Lori for it. She's done exeptional thing with this book.
"I didn’t know then that I was starving. I didn’t know then that I would spend much of the next two years living in my car and not eating. What I did know was that those prospects didn’t terrify me nearly as much as the thought of being hauled back to my mother."
October 27, 2014
Here we have an extended essay/memoir on surviving a parent’s psychosis, inventing a life and then learning of the death of the long-forgotten parent many years after her passing. It’s much too easy to compare such works as Ms Shafer’s to other neglected childhood fare: Jeannette Walls ‘Glass Castle,’ Christina Crawford’s ‘Mommy Dearest’ etc. Too easy, because the parents in those memoirs cannot be easily forgiven; they can only be easily explained. Their cruelty stems from ambition, neglect, the depredations of poor parenting skills. Ms Shafer’s mother, on the other hand, offers a much more subtle, we might say inexplicable source of her wanton neglect and cruel treatment: mental illness and its untreated ravages.
Lori Shafer is an accomplished writer at the apex of her craft. Her images and reflections shimmer on the page: “grilled cheese and tomato…butter-brown bread…’ including good alliteration and excellent use of sentence length variation, she keeps readers moving forward. “The sidewalks were empty. I was empty.” Beautiful stuff.
Transitions are well done, despite many flashbacks and oblique references. Only one time, at an end chapter, and a reference to ‘Lila’ did this reviewer lose the thread, but then it picked up again.
Shafer’s use of a fictional device inside her memoir is very well done. She writes as ‘Gloria,’ to explain the horrors of a childhood in crisis, while giving herself a bit of remove as the writer. It’s an excellent device, and it works very well. It’s also entirely understandable. Much like any child will have an invisible friend, or a security blanket, Shafer has Gloria.
The writer’s voice stays consistent throughout, shifting with subtlety between the teenage, angst-ridden Lori and the determined older Lori living in a car in Berkeley and making her own way. “I was learning,” she writes, scraping for bottles and cans in Berkeley “…like the poor man’s Santa Claus.”
There are a few loose threads: We’re never told what happened to ‘Sandra Johnson.’ Indeed, none of the siblings’ lives are explained. There’s a reference to Shafer’s own concern about being poisoned, a thinly-veiled worry that she might have acquired her mother’s mental illness, but this is not addressed or enlarged. We don’t hear about mom’s own family history, or what may have contributed to her instability, only that ‘Judy Green-Hair’ is a serial marrier. Just open a vein, as they say; readers want more details.
Indeed, one critique of this memoir may be that it’s too darned short, that readers want to know much more about who this writer is: how did that young woman survive all she did? What resources did she uncover in herself? How’s she doing now? Has she finally found ‘a safe place?’
Wordsworth wrote, ‘…the child is father to the man,’ and we must assume he meant mother to the woman as well. If so, at the end of her fine memoir, Lori Shafer pays tribute to that young mother of herself. This is a good, fulfilling memoir. I just wish it was longer, darn it. Four stars, only because it’s too short.
Byron Edgington, author of The Sky Behind Me: A Memoir of Flying & Life
Lori Shafer is an accomplished writer at the apex of her craft. Her images and reflections shimmer on the page: “grilled cheese and tomato…butter-brown bread…’ including good alliteration and excellent use of sentence length variation, she keeps readers moving forward. “The sidewalks were empty. I was empty.” Beautiful stuff.
Transitions are well done, despite many flashbacks and oblique references. Only one time, at an end chapter, and a reference to ‘Lila’ did this reviewer lose the thread, but then it picked up again.
Shafer’s use of a fictional device inside her memoir is very well done. She writes as ‘Gloria,’ to explain the horrors of a childhood in crisis, while giving herself a bit of remove as the writer. It’s an excellent device, and it works very well. It’s also entirely understandable. Much like any child will have an invisible friend, or a security blanket, Shafer has Gloria.
The writer’s voice stays consistent throughout, shifting with subtlety between the teenage, angst-ridden Lori and the determined older Lori living in a car in Berkeley and making her own way. “I was learning,” she writes, scraping for bottles and cans in Berkeley “…like the poor man’s Santa Claus.”
There are a few loose threads: We’re never told what happened to ‘Sandra Johnson.’ Indeed, none of the siblings’ lives are explained. There’s a reference to Shafer’s own concern about being poisoned, a thinly-veiled worry that she might have acquired her mother’s mental illness, but this is not addressed or enlarged. We don’t hear about mom’s own family history, or what may have contributed to her instability, only that ‘Judy Green-Hair’ is a serial marrier. Just open a vein, as they say; readers want more details.
Indeed, one critique of this memoir may be that it’s too darned short, that readers want to know much more about who this writer is: how did that young woman survive all she did? What resources did she uncover in herself? How’s she doing now? Has she finally found ‘a safe place?’
Wordsworth wrote, ‘…the child is father to the man,’ and we must assume he meant mother to the woman as well. If so, at the end of her fine memoir, Lori Shafer pays tribute to that young mother of herself. This is a good, fulfilling memoir. I just wish it was longer, darn it. Four stars, only because it’s too short.
Byron Edgington, author of The Sky Behind Me: A Memoir of Flying & Life
November 12, 2014
On Hearing Of My Mother’s Death Six Years After It Happened is a raw unsentimental memoir of a young life shattered by her mother’s mental illness. It is the tale of the loneliness and emptiness inherent in having a mentally ill parent. Schafer obviously felt compassion for her mom and could remember when the family had happier times.
Lori Schafer does not indulge in blaming or go on angry tirades, although she had much to be angry about. She tells the story of how ‘Judy Green Hair’ became increasingly paranoid and unpredictable throughout her adolescence and her eventual escape from her family situation in a straightforward style that broke my heart with its poignance. In the end, Lori Schafer’s story is a tale of resilience and strength in the face of overwhelming odds.
There were several times while I was reading this book that I wanted to go to Lori and give her a hug. I wished I could have comforted teenaged Lori and found a way to help young adult Lori when she was all alone in the world. The sections about Lori’s life in Berkeley were difficult to read because they made me weep for a young woman so alone in the world. It helped to see glimpses of the strong adult Lori would eventually become throughout the narrative.
On Hearing Of My Mother’s Death Six Years After It Happened is a remarkably fast read. I read it in one sitting. Schafer breaks up the narrative of her life with short stories and essays that mirror her own experience. They felt a bit discordant at first, but I quickly saw how the short interruptions in Lori’s story were like the digressions of an unwell mind – slightly ajar yet completely relevant.
Lori Schafer does not indulge in blaming or go on angry tirades, although she had much to be angry about. She tells the story of how ‘Judy Green Hair’ became increasingly paranoid and unpredictable throughout her adolescence and her eventual escape from her family situation in a straightforward style that broke my heart with its poignance. In the end, Lori Schafer’s story is a tale of resilience and strength in the face of overwhelming odds.
There were several times while I was reading this book that I wanted to go to Lori and give her a hug. I wished I could have comforted teenaged Lori and found a way to help young adult Lori when she was all alone in the world. The sections about Lori’s life in Berkeley were difficult to read because they made me weep for a young woman so alone in the world. It helped to see glimpses of the strong adult Lori would eventually become throughout the narrative.
On Hearing Of My Mother’s Death Six Years After It Happened is a remarkably fast read. I read it in one sitting. Schafer breaks up the narrative of her life with short stories and essays that mirror her own experience. They felt a bit discordant at first, but I quickly saw how the short interruptions in Lori’s story were like the digressions of an unwell mind – slightly ajar yet completely relevant.
November 18, 2014
One can only wonder what would lead someone to not know of their mother’s passing until such a long time after the fact. And then you read this story.
It touches you, and it moves you. It makes you angry, and hopeful. You do not feel sorry for the main character, you just feel sad. Sad that someone would have to go through such a difficult situation. Sad that someone was robbed of a loving mother due to an illness that affects so many, and is yet so hard for most to talk about.
The author is not looking for sympathy, or anyone to feel sorry for her. She does not have a “woe-is-me” attitude. She made the best out of a very tough situation, and persevered; succeeded; beat the odds when so many others would have given up.
Have you felt true fear? The type of fear that comes from within you and makes every nerve in your body alive as if electrified over and over again? This is the sense of fear you feel as you read about a girl whose mother went to school with her every day, convinced someone was going to harm her. And she was the only one harming her. Calm and normal one minute, angry and physically violent the next.
Running away from home, living on the streets, knowing true hunger not for days on end, but for months on end. This was still better than living at home.
This is a story of mental illness, strength, and unending determination. A story about what one young woman did to survive when she had no other choice. It is a story about a disease that is only talked about behind closed doors, with only the closest of relatives. This was a subject you did not want your friends and neighbors knowing about. But of course they did know. How could they not?
If you have ever experienced mental illness in your personal life, you do not want to pass up this story. It is an easy read, not full of medical jargon that has you reaching for a dictionary. I have been witness to this type of behavior in a loved one, and the effects can be truly devastating to a family. It is time to start talking about mental illness, and stop ignoring it. It does not go away. It will not go away.
It touches you, and it moves you. It makes you angry, and hopeful. You do not feel sorry for the main character, you just feel sad. Sad that someone would have to go through such a difficult situation. Sad that someone was robbed of a loving mother due to an illness that affects so many, and is yet so hard for most to talk about.
The author is not looking for sympathy, or anyone to feel sorry for her. She does not have a “woe-is-me” attitude. She made the best out of a very tough situation, and persevered; succeeded; beat the odds when so many others would have given up.
Have you felt true fear? The type of fear that comes from within you and makes every nerve in your body alive as if electrified over and over again? This is the sense of fear you feel as you read about a girl whose mother went to school with her every day, convinced someone was going to harm her. And she was the only one harming her. Calm and normal one minute, angry and physically violent the next.
Running away from home, living on the streets, knowing true hunger not for days on end, but for months on end. This was still better than living at home.
This is a story of mental illness, strength, and unending determination. A story about what one young woman did to survive when she had no other choice. It is a story about a disease that is only talked about behind closed doors, with only the closest of relatives. This was a subject you did not want your friends and neighbors knowing about. But of course they did know. How could they not?
If you have ever experienced mental illness in your personal life, you do not want to pass up this story. It is an easy read, not full of medical jargon that has you reaching for a dictionary. I have been witness to this type of behavior in a loved one, and the effects can be truly devastating to a family. It is time to start talking about mental illness, and stop ignoring it. It does not go away. It will not go away.
September 13, 2015
I feel like I unfortunately related to a lot of this book. My mother was not delusional or psychotic to this level. But man, did a lot of this sound familiar.
Growing up with an unstable parent is something that makes you feel incredibly alone, despite knowing that there must be others like you. Reading memoirs like this is sad, but at the same time incredibly validating.
Not sure how to feel about that though.
Good writing, sad story.
Growing up with an unstable parent is something that makes you feel incredibly alone, despite knowing that there must be others like you. Reading memoirs like this is sad, but at the same time incredibly validating.
Not sure how to feel about that though.
Good writing, sad story.
September 12, 2019
Mental illness sucks
We get it. Seriously. Anyone who has lived with mental illness knows it is devastating for the family and the victim.
This story is short, focused on "my life with mom was so bad that homelessness was better" and short on details that would have made the story compelling.
Not worth the cost.
We get it. Seriously. Anyone who has lived with mental illness knows it is devastating for the family and the victim.
This story is short, focused on "my life with mom was so bad that homelessness was better" and short on details that would have made the story compelling.
Not worth the cost.
November 18, 2014
I read the author’s short teaser for this book probably a month ago and was very excited to hear the rest of her story. My life has been touched by people with similar mental health issues and so I have a personal interest in reading about others who have been through similar situations and how they coped. I think this writer has an excellent ‘voice’ and she certainly has a wealth of information to draw from and I want to be supportive, so please understand that this review contains CONSTRUCTIVE criticism and isn’t meant to deter people from reading or the author from writing.
Firstly, this book is pretty short. I read the whole thing, cover to cover, while in the bath – so maybe an hour? The length wasn’t really a problem, although I was disappointed that more of the book wasn’t based on new material. The opening chapter is the same as what was used for the preview, which is understandable, but there are many other parts of the book that are pulled from existing writing, including fiction. I think that there is value in showing the reader that these incidences in your life have made such a mark that you’ve been able to write copious amounts of fiction based on them. But I felt like it would have been better to tell the audience about those (or include them in an appendix), rather than to include them in the book. This is meant to be a memoir so I would have preferred that the author stay “in the moment” and not step away into fiction. Also, it caused some confusion later – there were numerous places where the narrative broke into fiction and then back in to reality but there was never a designation of which was which. In my opinion, that made everything a little jumbled. I believe that the author used her fiction writing so that she didn’t have to re-write the actual incident which may not have been as “interesting” as the fictional version (i.e., she says that the incident of hiding out in the step-grandmother’s house was not at Thanksgiving but just a normal day). I think on this point, the author is wrong. It doesn’t have to be a holiday to make it interesting – the fact that your mother was hiding out in someone’s house in order to spy is interesting enough. Truth is stranger than fiction.
Also, I would have liked to hear more about day-to-day life at home with her mother. She jumps between big events (the opening chapter, running away, etc.) without covering the middle ground. There are enough bits and pieces (the recent divorce, the situation with the sister/nephew, etc.) that are dropped in to let the reader know that they’re missing out on a lot of stuff. Again, it feels like the author held back because these details are probably somewhat mundane but I have a feeling that they weren’t boring details – the fact that the author felt so hurt and angry that she left home and never looked back tells me that there was a LOT that happened in between. That’s what I’d be interested to hear.
The biggest portion of the book deals with the author’s homelessness, which was a result of her running away from her mother’s behavior. It clearly was the most impactful time in the author’s life and she has included some really great stories here. Although I was proud of this young girl figuring out how to survive on her own, my heart ached for her because she was unaware of all the services available to her – especially in the Bay Area, there are so many resources for runaways and homeless people of all types. But her inability to trust people is what kept her apart and what was, ultimately, the legacy that her mother left her. Unfortunately, it feels a bit like her inability to trust us as readers has kept her from being very open in her memoir.
I hope that someday she writes a more complete story. I would be very interested in reading all of the “in between” scenes and hearing about her final year at home. Not as a “looky-loo” but as someone who has experienced something similar, it’s always a comfort to know that you’re not alone. That someone else has experienced the “spies in the attic” delusions but also the general embarrassment of being in public (in high school!) with someone who is clearly unstable.
Firstly, this book is pretty short. I read the whole thing, cover to cover, while in the bath – so maybe an hour? The length wasn’t really a problem, although I was disappointed that more of the book wasn’t based on new material. The opening chapter is the same as what was used for the preview, which is understandable, but there are many other parts of the book that are pulled from existing writing, including fiction. I think that there is value in showing the reader that these incidences in your life have made such a mark that you’ve been able to write copious amounts of fiction based on them. But I felt like it would have been better to tell the audience about those (or include them in an appendix), rather than to include them in the book. This is meant to be a memoir so I would have preferred that the author stay “in the moment” and not step away into fiction. Also, it caused some confusion later – there were numerous places where the narrative broke into fiction and then back in to reality but there was never a designation of which was which. In my opinion, that made everything a little jumbled. I believe that the author used her fiction writing so that she didn’t have to re-write the actual incident which may not have been as “interesting” as the fictional version (i.e., she says that the incident of hiding out in the step-grandmother’s house was not at Thanksgiving but just a normal day). I think on this point, the author is wrong. It doesn’t have to be a holiday to make it interesting – the fact that your mother was hiding out in someone’s house in order to spy is interesting enough. Truth is stranger than fiction.
Also, I would have liked to hear more about day-to-day life at home with her mother. She jumps between big events (the opening chapter, running away, etc.) without covering the middle ground. There are enough bits and pieces (the recent divorce, the situation with the sister/nephew, etc.) that are dropped in to let the reader know that they’re missing out on a lot of stuff. Again, it feels like the author held back because these details are probably somewhat mundane but I have a feeling that they weren’t boring details – the fact that the author felt so hurt and angry that she left home and never looked back tells me that there was a LOT that happened in between. That’s what I’d be interested to hear.
The biggest portion of the book deals with the author’s homelessness, which was a result of her running away from her mother’s behavior. It clearly was the most impactful time in the author’s life and she has included some really great stories here. Although I was proud of this young girl figuring out how to survive on her own, my heart ached for her because she was unaware of all the services available to her – especially in the Bay Area, there are so many resources for runaways and homeless people of all types. But her inability to trust people is what kept her apart and what was, ultimately, the legacy that her mother left her. Unfortunately, it feels a bit like her inability to trust us as readers has kept her from being very open in her memoir.
I hope that someday she writes a more complete story. I would be very interested in reading all of the “in between” scenes and hearing about her final year at home. Not as a “looky-loo” but as someone who has experienced something similar, it’s always a comfort to know that you’re not alone. That someone else has experienced the “spies in the attic” delusions but also the general embarrassment of being in public (in high school!) with someone who is clearly unstable.
November 12, 2014
This true account of a girls struggle is nothing but inspiring. Lori had to struggle to survive as her mother became the victim of mental illness; her illness became Lori’s nightmare to. The story itself is heart-breaking to read but what surprised me was the author’s lack of self-pity. Your heart goes out to the young girl who had to escape and ended up living alone in a car to avoid the horrors of home; facing other setbacks along the way. Another incredible element of this story is how you feel towards her mother; cruel at times. Only Lori explains her mental state in such a way you can’t fully hate her mother. You feel for them both. Those acts were not done out of malice but an illness she couldn’t control and no help was given.
It is a true account of mental illness from experience and Lori opens up some very painful memories. I’ve been inspired by this story; no matter what life throws at you in the end it is down to you. It is you that can change things around. I personally think Lori Schafer is a very brave and strong woman. I’ve always had a loving home, yet still moan at trivial things, I shouldn’t. This story made me realize it isn’t about money or material things that make you rich. What makes you rich is having a safe and happy place to just be. I’m sorry this wasn’t the case for her, but I hope life is better for her now.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Please read this and support this wonderful lady.
It is a true account of mental illness from experience and Lori opens up some very painful memories. I’ve been inspired by this story; no matter what life throws at you in the end it is down to you. It is you that can change things around. I personally think Lori Schafer is a very brave and strong woman. I’ve always had a loving home, yet still moan at trivial things, I shouldn’t. This story made me realize it isn’t about money or material things that make you rich. What makes you rich is having a safe and happy place to just be. I’m sorry this wasn’t the case for her, but I hope life is better for her now.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Please read this and support this wonderful lady.
August 31, 2015
On par with The Glass Castle, and the saying misery loves company is accurate, because these two books are as close to my childhood as I've ever read.
November 18, 2014
This memoir is told through a series of memories, short stories from the author’s life. They’re not told in chronological order–something that usually bothers me, but I thought worked well in this setting. It really gave the feeling of walking through the memories with the author as she attempts to sort out her complicated feelings about her mother. Because Lori’s mother hadn’t always been this way, hiding from people she thought wanted to harm her and her daughter, sitting outside Lori’s classrooms at school, and traveling long distances to escape perceived dangers. She had been a strong, independent single mother, whose independence seems to have rubbed off on Lori, as she runs away from her mother at age seventeen and lives in her car for months before finally getting on her feet.
Despite all the craziness Lori’s mother put her through and the rough, homeless months that followed Lori’s escape, this memoir doesn’t come across as bitter or resentful. It’s more an exploration of how terribly wrong things can go when the one who is supposed to protect and guide you no longer has the capacity to do so. It’s a really quick read, but one that will leave you thinking even after you put the book down.
*Note: I received a free digital copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. Read more on my blog: http://newberyandbeyond.com/review-co...
Despite all the craziness Lori’s mother put her through and the rough, homeless months that followed Lori’s escape, this memoir doesn’t come across as bitter or resentful. It’s more an exploration of how terribly wrong things can go when the one who is supposed to protect and guide you no longer has the capacity to do so. It’s a really quick read, but one that will leave you thinking even after you put the book down.
*Note: I received a free digital copy of this book in exchange for an honest review. Read more on my blog: http://newberyandbeyond.com/review-co...
February 22, 2015
After I finished reading this memoir I was scanning the suggested questions for book club discussion section that follows the main story. One of those questions jumped out at me: “How would Lori’s experience have differed had she had a more extended family?” As I was reading Lori’s story I kept thinking how much different her experience might have been. With a father who was out of Lori and her mother’s lives and no other family close, either emotionally or geographically, she had no support and was on her own to figure things out.
I found On Hearing … to be an interesting and enlightening read. For those who have never (or even those who have) dealt with a family member who suffers from a mental illness, it should be eye opening. There are lessons to be learned about the role of family (in this case, by the relative lack thereof), and the ability we humans have to find a way to survive.
**Originally written for "Books and Pals" book blog. May have received a free review copy. **
I found On Hearing … to be an interesting and enlightening read. For those who have never (or even those who have) dealt with a family member who suffers from a mental illness, it should be eye opening. There are lessons to be learned about the role of family (in this case, by the relative lack thereof), and the ability we humans have to find a way to survive.
**Originally written for "Books and Pals" book blog. May have received a free review copy. **
March 24, 2015
This is a memoir that elicits immense sadness. What makes it tragic is that there are missed opportunities, and you end up with more questions than answers. It’s not an easy read because despite the fact that it will rip you apart, there’s this feeling that the author is somewhat detached from it all.
The memoir is non-linear, so there’s the element of disjointedness, which somehow mimics the tumultuous relationship between mother and daughter.
It’s just heartbreaking how mental illness, when left untreated, can change the family dynamics for the worse.
The memoir is non-linear, so there’s the element of disjointedness, which somehow mimics the tumultuous relationship between mother and daughter.
It’s just heartbreaking how mental illness, when left untreated, can change the family dynamics for the worse.
March 17, 2015
"The child does not question, the child believes in the supremacy and the certainty of the parent, the child trusts. The child does what she is told." ~ Lori Schafer in On Hearing of My Mother's Death Six Years After It Happened (Kindle Loc. 456)
Lori Schafer is an expressive and passionate writer. Considering the subject of her memoir, On Hearing of My Mother's Death Six Years After It Happened, the reader would expect expression and passion. Yet, the essence of Lori's writing is not based in the subject. Lori is a gifted writer. It does not matter what she is writing; her gift is in the craft and she is expressive and passionate about everything she writes.Read more...
On Hearing of My Mother's Death ... is a herculean and intense read for such a short book. A mother who is a professional marrier encumbered with mental illness, something a child doesn't grasp, leads a life burdensome and frightening for her children. An older sister has left home, and Lori is left to fend for herself. By age 17, she is living on the streets.
Lori addresses the structure of her storytelling in a foreword. But it is the only structure I believe would have worked with Lori's story. Told in flashbacks and present day, alternating as memories fluctuate, Lori organizes her story in the way a child would remember. Often Gloria, whom I believe is Lori's inner child, tells much of the story making the structure reasonable.
The reader joins Lori as she watches her mother sink into the depths of mental illness, a specific diagnosis never given. It could have been any one of a number of mental illnesses, but the never-changing impact on the lives of her children were neglect and cruelty resulting in fear, side effects of the ravages of their mother's untreated mental illness.
To hear the level of fear and the horrid conditions in which she lived is to join Lori on a most difficult journey. Years after leaving home Lori receives a letter from her mother:
"That fear, it never quite went away. And when my mother wrote to me the second time, a decade and a half later [circa 2006], I was almost more afraid than I had been the first time. I'd just begun dating a man who had two young children. I had nightmare visions of her appearing on his doorstep with a butcher knife or worse. I sent out warnings to everyone I knew. Judy Green-Hair is back. Watch your step. Because you never know; you just can't ever predict what someone with an untreated psychotic illness might decide to do." ~ Lori Schafer, On Hearing of My Mother's Death (Kindle Loc. 865)
This is only one example of Lori's continuing fear surrounding her mother and her untreated illness. It is hard to imagine living this way for so long. And yet, Lori survived.
I cannot leave you without sharing one last quote from Lori's book:
"... And while our individual experiences vary, the emotions are the same. We all hurt. We all have fear. We all have pain.
But we all, too, have strength. We have power. Even the weakest and meekest show us glow and shine with the light of hope, the light of life. We try, we fight, we strive. We endure. We survive." ~ Lori Schafer, On Hearing of My Mother's Death (Kindle Loc. 1559)
Recommendation: If you are writing memoir or want to write memoir, I urge you to read this one. Lori's writing style, character development, and scene building is exceptional. Her passion and expression when telling her story is real. These are the tools of your craft if you write memoir. Or if you simply enjoy reading the life stories of others, Lori's memoir is for you too. To read of Lori's life and know that she survived it is inspirational and encouraging.
Lori Schafer is an expressive and passionate writer. Considering the subject of her memoir, On Hearing of My Mother's Death Six Years After It Happened, the reader would expect expression and passion. Yet, the essence of Lori's writing is not based in the subject. Lori is a gifted writer. It does not matter what she is writing; her gift is in the craft and she is expressive and passionate about everything she writes.Read more...
On Hearing of My Mother's Death ... is a herculean and intense read for such a short book. A mother who is a professional marrier encumbered with mental illness, something a child doesn't grasp, leads a life burdensome and frightening for her children. An older sister has left home, and Lori is left to fend for herself. By age 17, she is living on the streets.
Lori addresses the structure of her storytelling in a foreword. But it is the only structure I believe would have worked with Lori's story. Told in flashbacks and present day, alternating as memories fluctuate, Lori organizes her story in the way a child would remember. Often Gloria, whom I believe is Lori's inner child, tells much of the story making the structure reasonable.
The reader joins Lori as she watches her mother sink into the depths of mental illness, a specific diagnosis never given. It could have been any one of a number of mental illnesses, but the never-changing impact on the lives of her children were neglect and cruelty resulting in fear, side effects of the ravages of their mother's untreated mental illness.
To hear the level of fear and the horrid conditions in which she lived is to join Lori on a most difficult journey. Years after leaving home Lori receives a letter from her mother:
"That fear, it never quite went away. And when my mother wrote to me the second time, a decade and a half later [circa 2006], I was almost more afraid than I had been the first time. I'd just begun dating a man who had two young children. I had nightmare visions of her appearing on his doorstep with a butcher knife or worse. I sent out warnings to everyone I knew. Judy Green-Hair is back. Watch your step. Because you never know; you just can't ever predict what someone with an untreated psychotic illness might decide to do." ~ Lori Schafer, On Hearing of My Mother's Death (Kindle Loc. 865)
This is only one example of Lori's continuing fear surrounding her mother and her untreated illness. It is hard to imagine living this way for so long. And yet, Lori survived.
I cannot leave you without sharing one last quote from Lori's book:
"... And while our individual experiences vary, the emotions are the same. We all hurt. We all have fear. We all have pain.
But we all, too, have strength. We have power. Even the weakest and meekest show us glow and shine with the light of hope, the light of life. We try, we fight, we strive. We endure. We survive." ~ Lori Schafer, On Hearing of My Mother's Death (Kindle Loc. 1559)
Recommendation: If you are writing memoir or want to write memoir, I urge you to read this one. Lori's writing style, character development, and scene building is exceptional. Her passion and expression when telling her story is real. These are the tools of your craft if you write memoir. Or if you simply enjoy reading the life stories of others, Lori's memoir is for you too. To read of Lori's life and know that she survived it is inspirational and encouraging.
February 24, 2015
I don't usually read memoirs. The ones I have, usually celebrity memoirs, come across as self-indulgent, glossing over darker aspects of their personalities (except the ones they are happy to promote) and promoting their virtues. You certainly couldn't say that for On Hearing Of My Mother's Death Six Years After It Happened. This is a heart-wrenching look into life of the author, as a teenaged girl, being raised by a mother with mental illness, written plainly but beautifully, with no embellishment or self-justification. By the end you feel in awe of the author for having survived the ordeal, although as is made clear, it's not clear if the effects of the experience have ever actually ended.
The book isn't written chronologically because the author struggles to remember what happened in what order. There are some passages that have been written as fiction because after all these years it's the only way she convey the feeling of what happened effectively. While some may find this off-putting, to me these stylistic tics only gave added weight to what I was reading.
The memoir itself is short, I read it in a day, but that breath gives it added punch. I can only applaud Lori Schafer for having the courage to write something so personal, so honestly. It's a book that will stay with me a long time. Highly Recommended.
The book isn't written chronologically because the author struggles to remember what happened in what order. There are some passages that have been written as fiction because after all these years it's the only way she convey the feeling of what happened effectively. While some may find this off-putting, to me these stylistic tics only gave added weight to what I was reading.
The memoir itself is short, I read it in a day, but that breath gives it added punch. I can only applaud Lori Schafer for having the courage to write something so personal, so honestly. It's a book that will stay with me a long time. Highly Recommended.
October 8, 2014
I received a free copy of this in exchange for an honest review, and when I initially opened it up to quickly peruse a few pages, before I knew it I had reached the end of the first chapter as I sat back with a "Wow!"
Lori Schafer delivers a poignant tale in this memoir of life endured with a woman deep in the grip of mental illness. A tight, eloquent writing style paints each scene with tints of disquietude which enable the reader easy access into the trauma of the moments revealed. A seemingly erratic mix of memories subtly uncovers the sense of paralyzing helplessness inflicted by by patent/child relationship. Schafer managed to fully capture her past without turning it into a "pity party" or a spiteful tirade.
This story touches the heart with its haunting, straight-forward intimacy. While easily read in a couple of hours, its echo will linger much longer in the mind. Excellent read!
Lori Schafer delivers a poignant tale in this memoir of life endured with a woman deep in the grip of mental illness. A tight, eloquent writing style paints each scene with tints of disquietude which enable the reader easy access into the trauma of the moments revealed. A seemingly erratic mix of memories subtly uncovers the sense of paralyzing helplessness inflicted by by patent/child relationship. Schafer managed to fully capture her past without turning it into a "pity party" or a spiteful tirade.
This story touches the heart with its haunting, straight-forward intimacy. While easily read in a couple of hours, its echo will linger much longer in the mind. Excellent read!
February 25, 2015
This book is a heartbreaking, inspirational insight to the very real problem of untreated mental illness. Lori Schafer gives the reader an intimate look into the life she was forced to live and the mother who was forced to "leave" due to psychosis. You can see the pain, confusion, and embarrassment Lori had to endure. I can only imagine the suffering she went through--and the suffering her mother must have went through. And after everything--living through it, running from it, and overcoming it--to find out about her mother's death six years after the fact must have brought both a sense of sadness and relief. My heart hurt for both Lori and her mother as I read this. I would recommend this to anyone who would like to read an inspiring story of a woman's determination to overcome everything life threw at her.
August 17, 2015
Hurriedly written
Well I have the utmost compassion for the author and her struggles, the book felt like an incomplete history. It felt more like a short story than a complete book. The lack of details left me feeling like she had started writing the book and left out two thirds of the story.
Well I have the utmost compassion for the author and her struggles, the book felt like an incomplete history. It felt more like a short story than a complete book. The lack of details left me feeling like she had started writing the book and left out two thirds of the story.
February 8, 2015
An autobiographical account of a troubled adolescence of a girl whose mother suffers from psychosis. This frank and honest account of a survivor's journey to salvation and self-reliance is uncomfortable to read as it is inspirational.
March 19, 2015
Honest and heartbreaking
Amazingly eye opening. My utmost respect to you, Lori. You are a very strong woman, and a role model to the many young people who continue to suffer.
Amazingly eye opening. My utmost respect to you, Lori. You are a very strong woman, and a role model to the many young people who continue to suffer.
July 1, 2018
This is an interesting and well written account of a teenage daughter’s experience living with a mother with a paranoid psychosis. However, there is much that’s left out of this short book. I had too many unanswered questions. Whatever happened to Lori’s sister and nephew? Why didn’t the school or her friend’s parents do anything? Why didn’t Lori have any contact at all with her mother once she left? Even years later from a distance. And why didn’t Lori herself try to help her mother once she became an adult? She acknowledges that this wasn’t the loving mother who raised her and something was very wrong. Maybe she was too traumatized. Lori saved herself, which was essential and admirable, and became homeless almost starving before she was admitted to the dorm at college. But there are no details after that and too few about it. What did she major in? How did this affect her later in life? In her relationships? Did she keep in touch with her friends, especially Jesse? Instead essays, an interview, redundant short stories based on events we already read about, and book club questions are included. The actual book is only 120 pages. Well written but too short and too many unanswered questions.
May 19, 2024
This book reveals so much about the isolation and loneliness that come from mental illness, not only for the one who suffers but for the family with whom they live. It was hard to read about how people, especially young people, who struggle with psychotic parents, can easily fall between the cracks because either no one is paying attention to the situation, or no one is willing to step in and help. It is amazing to me how a young teenager can be homeless for months and no one notices. True, Schafer did her best not to be noticed but it is still astounding. I think books like this are so valuable in this regard. They help to make me more aware of the effects of mental illness and help me to see how those effects play out in the whole family.
April 13, 2020
This is the memoir of a young woman who left home after graduating high school and lived on her own with no contact with family ever since. Her mother suffered from schizophrenia and made her daughter's life miserable. Although the daughter was sympathetic to what her mother was going to, for her own safety, she had to leave the whole situation behind. What followed was more trials and tribulations. Living on the streets, sleeping in her car, eeking out a life. This is a story of survival. And a story of mental illness and the effect it has not only on the one afflicted, but also on those whom that person also afflicts.
June 28, 2018
Real or Imagined ... When Your Life Reads Like Fiction
The author's life reads like a work of fiction ... but to those who experience it, it is all too real. We often think that living a life with mental illness is seemingly impossible, but what about the loved ones ... especially the children? This memoir serves to answer those questions with each unbelievably difficult snippet. Can the child of a schizophrenic mother escape with her sanity intact? Read and see.
The author's life reads like a work of fiction ... but to those who experience it, it is all too real. We often think that living a life with mental illness is seemingly impossible, but what about the loved ones ... especially the children? This memoir serves to answer those questions with each unbelievably difficult snippet. Can the child of a schizophrenic mother escape with her sanity intact? Read and see.
May 26, 2018
Review of this book
Mental illness of any kind is, but this author took it to a much higher level! I can't even imagine growing up with a Mother that sick, without the benefit of treatment! Just very sad, along with the statistics of the mental health issues surrounding out jail inmates who get no help!
Mental illness of any kind is, but this author took it to a much higher level! I can't even imagine growing up with a Mother that sick, without the benefit of treatment! Just very sad, along with the statistics of the mental health issues surrounding out jail inmates who get no help!
June 7, 2018
A powerful and disturbing true-life narrative that sheds light on how mental illness can fracture a family and change a child's outlook forever. Told as a series of vignettes, it paints the picture of a teenager slowly coming to the realization that her mother was not only insane, but dangerous. Highly recommended.
October 3, 2018
This book was an eye opener
To have a normal life and then you need to leave for survival is my life too. My mom was never diagnosed with mental illness but reading this book now makes me think there could be something behind my mom's behavior. There is also a write up in the back for people who suffer from fibromyalgia. Good read on that too
To have a normal life and then you need to leave for survival is my life too. My mom was never diagnosed with mental illness but reading this book now makes me think there could be something behind my mom's behavior. There is also a write up in the back for people who suffer from fibromyalgia. Good read on that too
October 22, 2020
Review
The book was a very interesting look into how a young woman survives her mother's mental illness. It seems hard to believe everyone around her missed or ignored her situation and there was very little help given to her. She was very inspiring in her ability to go to college and have a good life eventually. It was a good book.
The book was a very interesting look into how a young woman survives her mother's mental illness. It seems hard to believe everyone around her missed or ignored her situation and there was very little help given to her. She was very inspiring in her ability to go to college and have a good life eventually. It was a good book.
May 31, 2024
3.5 ⭐️ This is a memoir written about an important topic in a very interesting way. As a therapist, I really appreciate the perspective of a daughter of a mentally ill parent. Clearly, she is strong and brave. I admire that she can still identify the positive traits and skills she gained from her mother despite the abuse and fear she endured.
August 22, 2017
The story of a young girl's trials with her mother's mental illness. I would have liked her to delve a little more into her feelings. She doesn't really tell a lot about why she left and didn't talk to her mother for years or why she didn't know her mother had died.
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