Our Mothers, Ourselves: How Understanding Your Mother's Influence Can Set You on a Path to a Better Life

by Henry Cloud, John Townsend

In Our Mothers, Ourselves , Henry Cloud and John Townsend show how understanding how our mothers have profoundly influenced our lives can set us on a path toward wholeness and growth. No one has influenced the person you are today like your mother. The way she handled your needs as a child has shaped your worldview, your relationships, your marriage, your career, your self-image - your life. Our Mothers, Ourselves can help you identify areas that need reshaping, to make positive choices for personal change, and to establish a mature relationship with Mom today. You'll learn how your mom affected you as a child and may still be affecting you today. Our Mothers, Ourselves is a biblical, realistic, and empowering route to wholeness and growth, to deeper and more satisfying bonds with your family, friends, and spouse - and to a new, healthier way of relating to your mother. This book was previously titled The Mom Factor .

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Parenting, Psychology, Relationships, Personal Growth, Christian Living

256 pages, Paperback

First published August 4, 2015

About the author

Dr. Cloud has written or co-written twenty-five books, including the two million-seller Boundaries. His most recent books are Boundaries for Leaders and Necessary Endings. He has earned three Gold Medallion awards, and was awarded the distinguished Retailers Choice award for God Will Make A Way.

As president of Cloud-Townsend Resources, Dr. Cloud has produced and conducted hundreds of public seminars around the country. He speaks on relationships—marriage, parenting, dating, personal growth, and spirituality. His seminars are often broadcast live to over two thousand venues at a time.

Reviews

[Wendy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Eye-opening overview of how mothering styles influence adult children. I wish it was more comprehensive, though.

I have learned our behavior and thought patterns are a reflection of the mothering we received more than one would ever imagine. Cloud and Townsend lay out six types of mothers and explain how they influence us: the Phantom Mom (absent, unloving), the China Doll Mom (can't deal with 'bad' feelings), the Controlling Mom (controlling, knows best), the Trophy Mom (requires perfection from child/teachers etc), the Still-the-Boss Mom (bossy, won't let child grow up) and the American Express Mom (overly attached, won't let child grow up).

I thought it was very useful to realize I am a product of a number of these, because I have characteristics of a few types. I think the authors could have done a better job explaining that these types of mothers are not necessarily mutually exclusive. Also, I really think they could have been more comprehensive in general.

What I did like, though, was a gentle reminder of how as an adult, one can't expect to still be mothered, but that one needs to take initiative in his or her own relationships. It's also important to rekindle a relationship with one's mom in different, adult ways, and it will most likely necessitate certain boundaries.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am grateful for this read as long of a process as it has been reading and journalling through it. It is hard and I had to pause often, but so helpful as I have been working and continue to work on the remothering process for myself and for my children (parenting the next generation). The insights made me gasp out loud often and I felt like I saw the crazy dance between my mom and I in nearly each section, but the last two resonated the most with me. The authors, who have gently written this book on mothers after much study on the process, break this book up into different parts - mainly, the different types of brokenness that mothers carry and what healing action steps could look like. Ultimately, the goal is reconciliation with mom, but even if that's not possible, which is the unfortunate reality, starting the healing process with God, and safe remothering people/community in order to be a whole, functioning adult in ALL relationships. So, grieving is a part of the process - the past and possibly present.
Highly recommend, but bring tissues and a journal.

[Jodi · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book made me think a lot about my relationship with my mother, my husband's relationship with his mother, and my relationship with our children. I wish it was more in depth, but I am rating it based on what it says, not what it doesn't say. I will probably read it again more than once.

[Kinzie Moffitt · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was divinely timed to enter my life, and it has helped launch me into a much needed healing process and helped provide guidance on next steps in my relationship with my mother. I highly recommend!

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Straightforward "be your own therapist" book. :)

The authors lay out six mom-types and some common issues that can manifest later in life in the children of each of them. The descriptions and anecdotes are clear, and any reader will recognize people that they know (moms and adult children) in these pages.

After each type, there's a subsequent chapter that's aimed at helping adult children to grow and "move on". There are suggestions for talking to Mom directly about issues, balanced by realism that this is often not successful (or even possible). The bulk of the advice centers around being gracious towards your mother and her faults as you seek out the "mothering" you need from other people in your life.

I read this as an adult child and as a mom myself, so it was helpful/painful for me from both perspectives. The authors do a good job of remaining encouraging and hopeful without compromising the heart of their message, which is a challenge for each of us to grow up and take responsibility for our own lives. Ouch and Amen!

[ACgamemaker · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can’t emphasize enough how much everyone needs to read this book! This is such a powerful readjustment of how we are supposed to deal with things that happen to us and how we should deal with them to the glory of God. The focus on not just identifying the problem, but also how to move toward rebuilding and redefining relationships is sensational. Most books of this nature do not have any kind of redemption for the relationship. This not only advocates for working on the relationship, but pinpoints in what ways the relationship might need to change. I want to go out and buy a copy of this book for everyone in my life. I need a copy, my mom needs a copy, my sibling needs a copy, my friends need copies, everyone needs to read this!!

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this up as I’ve been contemplating my boys growing up and how I want my relationship to change with them as they mature. It was helpful to hear the profiles of what not to do as a mom, as well as practical tips to be a healthy parent to adult children. I appreciate knowing what to expect emotionally as my boys grow up. My only desire that was lacking for the book was to have a healthy profile highlighted, not just the profiles of motherhood to avoid.

Somehow I only got the abridged version of this from the library but it was still good and helpful. I did buy a full paper copy, which I often do if I think I will want to reference a book later.

[Nora · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'd be very curious to hear opinions on this book from people from collectivist cultures. How much of this is universal and how much of this is influenced by the individualistic culture? 👀

[Alex Toh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Personally a life-changing book for me. A very unique look on how our mothers influences and shape who we are today and how do take steps to take the good and leave the bad from the relationships. Cannot say enough that it was a helpful book.

I must say that the stories are generally Americanised, but you can still have takeaways if you take time to reflect the content in your own context. Good book

[Mercy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I got this book looking for healing. I got that, and a challenge in my motherhood. The message from the fret time of listening is how important it is to own my responses and actions now. And to think of friendship with my Mom instead of seeing her in that parental role all the time. I'll have to come back to this book.

[Rebecca Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

This informative and interesting book about six dysfunctional patterns of mothering and the effects on adult children feels eerily accurate, like a hidden camera capturing the private family interactions in a kitchen or living room. If, as is the case for me, it doesn't describe your relationship with your mother, you may find that it describes to a tee someone else's.

Of course, we try to mind our own business, don't we? Critiquing the neighbors or the in-laws is not the point of the book or the reason I picked it up (I'm prepping for a workshop). But everybody knows somebody that it describes. You'll see. You won't be able to avoid it. Maybe, like me, you'll feel challenged toward greater compassion as you realize that perhaps you're seeing people in a little better lighting than you had before.

The authors note in the epilogue that their wives urged them during the writing to be gentle with moms. Good thing. I'm sure we all appreciate it. Not one of us is perfect, and we all know all too personally that in the intense years of mothering, when children need that close care the most, doing it well without wrecking them is quite a bit of pressure. We pray a lot, try our best, love deeply, and trust God to make up for our many shortcomings.

I doubt it's possible for any conscientious mother to read this book without squirming. "Oof, did I do that? . . . Ugh, was this me? . . . Lord, if I did that, please help us. . . ." But though it probably isn't the authors' intent, the book does provide plenty of opportunity for reflection and self-critique, positive practices when not overdone.

Based on the work of these authors for 30-plus years, I trust them. They consistently bring their clinical expertise, spiritual wisdom, kindness, and optimism into helping people better understand themselves and others so that they can thrive. They do the same in this book, encouraging the adult child that his/her struggles and disappointments are recognized and can be addressed.

[Evelin Mátyás · Rating 5 out of 5]

Magyar olvasóknak: sajnos ez az anyanyelvünkön nem került kiadásra; én magam is angol hangoskönyv formájában jutottam hozzá.
Rendkívül hálás vagyok mind Cloud, mind Townsend munkásságáért. Már a Határaink (magyarul is megjelent) kötet is sokat segített a magánéletemben és egyéni fejlődésemben. Ez a könyv viszont olyan vakfoltokra világított rá a Szentírás és a pszichológia elképesztő metszetében, amikre korántsem számítottam. Hallottam ugyan, hogy jól van megírva szakmai és teológiai szempontokból egyaránt, de egyszer sem kellett csalódnom. Egy negatívumot sem tudok kiemelni; talán azt, hogy nincs folytatása. :)
Dolgok, amik kifejezetten tetszettek:
1. A két író elismeri, hogy mivel ők maguk férfiak, ironikus az anyaságról írniuk — ezt azzal kompenzálták, hogy a feleségeiket és más női ismeretségüket bevonták az írás folyamatába.
2. Egy percig sem éreztem vádlónak a szakmai megállapításokat — minden korrektül volt kezelve.
3. Főbb érvelési pontok nem csak szakmailag, hanem ami talán még fontosabb, igeileg is meg lettek támogatva.
4. Semmi mellébeszélés nem volt — jól ütemezett, rendkívül élvezhető írás.
5. A valós életből vett példák jól szemléltetik a tárgyalt esetet.
6. Kézzelfogható tanácsokat osztanak meg az olvasókkal — nem csak a kötet végén találunk pár gyakorlati tanácsot, és ennyi, hanem igazán használható kézikönyv is lehet belőle.
7. Külön fejezet szól az olyan anyáknak, akik anyai gondoskodásban hiányt szenvedtek.
+ a hangoskönyv is igen élvezhető narráció.
Végszó: szerintem még vissza fogok térni hozzá; csak ajánlani tudom

[A.J. Mendoza · Rating 4 out of 5]

By the end of this book I found two main purposes for it. The first is to better understand the type of mothering you received and to figure out how to leave the bondage of poor mothering into a more vibrant and wholistic adulthood. With clear descriptions and examples of these different mothers, I was able to relate to the Trophy Mom and walk through the impact of that on my life and the life of my partner. The second purpose to learn how to best mother. Though I do not think this was intended by the author, a lot of the content was geared towards how mothers should act and what a good mom must do to develop their child. I see this book being a powerful resource for women who desire to mother as they learn best practices and mindsets to best bless their child. Would recommend for sure.

Key Phrases/Terms:
- Mothering
- Trophy Mom
- American Express Mom
- China Doll Mom
- Still the Boss Mom
- The Phantom Mom
- The Controlling Mom
- Leave and Cleave

[Joy Koh · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was a heavy read, and I needed that time and space to reflect. The authors are clear and solution-driven in their approach. They have identified 5 types of mothers, not only their impact on us, but offer solutions to minimise their consequences on us. Some takeways? (my words, not direct quotes from the book)
-forgiveness is acknowledging the hurt mattered but releasing yourself from the prison you have closed yourself in
-you can be mothered through other adult relationships, and not solely from your own mother
-you might not be able to change your mother but you can change your reactions
-forgiveness is an act of will, but that does not mean it will be easy. But it is doable.
-Separate yourself for a while in order to heal.

[Julie Hodges · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have struuuuugled through significant issues with my mother that I simply could not understand. And now as a mother myself I was completely baffled as to how my mother related (more like didn’t/never related (aka Phantom Mom)) to me as a person. I have seen counselors and talked to my husband and trusted friends about these continuing mother issues that sometimes seem all consuming. After reading this book I have a much better picture as to what in the heck is going on and how to work through it! Now if only they could write this type of book about fathers….the. I could figure out that dynamic of my life. 😜

[Alexa · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredible read that digs at the core of one’s personal development and potential growth, specifically through the lens of the relationship with our most foundational human developmental relationship: mother. This book granted me understanding on the dynamics of my upbringing and how to use that information to then better grow into the woman the Lord has created me to be. I recommend this book to everyone. It’s a great guide and offers wisdom to be mindful of for personal growth as well as wisdom for those with the desire to be a mother themselves one day. This will remain on my self and be one I revisit often in the future.

[Laura Haske · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this book would be helpful if you had a strained, challenging, or traumatic relationship with your mother. That was not the case for me. My mom was emotionally healthy and continues to influence my life positively.

But this book did make me think about my mothering and tendencies that I might have. It reminded me of the important role mothers play in their children's lives and in the many relationships where they might have the opportunity to mentor and nurture others. It has been a surprising joy and honor to be a mother. This book reminded me of that privilege and inspired me to continue growing.

[Jennifer Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

The psychology presented in this book is good. The way they weaved in “biblical” concepts and references felt forced and unnecessary (except for the intent of marketing the book as “Christian”). It always left me doing a bit of a side eye. But 95% of the book was sound psychological analysis. I found certain tidbits helpful to my own situation and found the different “types” of mothers very interesting. None of the types or examples spoke directly to my experiences—but I’ve found that to be true across the spectrum of books I’ve read addressing this topic so the dynamics of my particular situation must just not be very common. All in all, a good read!

[Carlos De La Rosa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very enlightening, makes you own your attitudes now!

This was a very enlightening book which causes the reader to see the role of the mother and oneself and to appreciate its complexity and how it influenced one, even currently. This is not a book for mom haters, rather it reveals some of these complexities and encourages one to own them, and provides ways to move forward in one’s relationship with ma’!

[JT Tapias · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book assists the reader in understanding and addressing their wounds, pain, and unfulfilled needs, guiding them through a process of healing and growth. It also enlightens the reader about differentiating between “What is mine and what is theirs,” helping them to acknowledge their own role in various dynamics and needs. This involves forgiving the roles others played and empowering oneself to develop from that point, equipped with tools and insights previously unavailable.

[Annette Ridenour · Rating 5 out of 5]

Total game changer! Cloud and Townsend’s books are always mercifully short (which I appreciate), but content rich! This subject matter hit perfectly with what I’ve been wrestling through in therapy. Being able to have some categories to understand ourselves, our moms, how we could behave as moms, and how we can heal regardless of our mom’s behavior because of who Christ is is so incredibly healing! I want to read through this again before I return it and discuss it with friends!

[Malee Crumrine · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a timely read for me and the situation that I’m in with my mother (all is great but going to live with her temporarily as a married adult, long story). I personally felt like I read this a little too fast and didn’t give myself enough time to process and understand each of the categories but I still enjoyed the information dump. I’ll probably revisit this book again. Helpful book for learning about the mothers we have and the mothers we could become as a result!

[EFinn1 · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an amazing look at how different mothering styles affect the way that we grow up and act throughout adulthood as well as how we in turn parent others. Dr. Cloud combines secular, biblical, and clinical observations to create a read that is easy to understand why we are who we are. He also gives very practical advice for overcoming any conscience or sub-conscience beliefs that may hold us back from fully living an authentic, adventurous life.

[Collette · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book to understand our mothers (not blame) and their impact on us as well as taking responsibility for ourselves as adults. How we are raised has much to do with our foundation and as adults we can choose how we want to go forward. This book is written from the dual perspectives of Christian beliefs and psychology. It’s short, but packed with information.

[Denise Hauge · Rating 5 out of 5]

Might need to read it twice

Like most of Cloud and Townsend’s books the information is simple and straightforward, but many of the concepts run deep. I have found I usually understand more and can pull out useful nuggets on the second reading. Overall, very interesting read on how our relationship with our mothers impacts our current relationships.

[Tammy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoy Dr Cloud and Dr Townsend's books. They always take a deeper look at the issues we face in our daily lives. You can learn a lot about the whys of the issues we deal with in our lives, often stemming from issues in childhood that were never properly dealt with. I enjoy learning about myself more with each book I've read.

[Sarah Guscott · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book started off well for me in that the premise of understanding ourselves comes from understanding how we were mothered. I did find it hard distinguishing between the different types of mothers towards the end of the book and my interest was dropping significantly. It might do better as a book one dips in and out of as required. I doubt I’ll read it again.

[Youstina Gergis · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was a very heavy read that brought a lot of old memories and reopened some old wounds. Yet, it was very insightful, I am glad I read it. The light it shed on some issues is useful to understand why I and others around me behave a certain way and will help resolve some of not all of the issues, fingers crossed 🤞🏻😅

[Val · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book! It’s written in such a way that mom’s are not bashed yet we can see how they aren’t perfect. And in that imperfection, we have been wounded. This is really a well written book and I recommend everyone reading it. It is faith based so those that are bothered by that, don’t pick it up. It’s not pushy though, very tasteful.

[Stephanie Reisch · Rating 5 out of 5]

Here is The book and it gets so many mixed reviews. God is the choice, God is the answer. He is so easy to pick and He loves you and can fix every connection. Here are all the answers, listen and find wholeness.
Self-help books are self centered
God centered books are God centered. If you wondered why you were missing God.