Parenting with Presence: Practices for Raising Conscious, Confident, Caring Kids

by Susan Stiffelman, Eckhart Tolle (Foreword)

Our children can be our greatest teachers. Parenting expert Susan Stiffelman writes that the very behaviors that push our buttons — refusing to cooperate or ignoring our requests — can help us build awareness and shed old patterns, allowing us to raise our children with greater ease and enjoyment. Filled with practical advice, powerful exercises, and fascinating stories from her clinical work, Parenting with Presence teaches us how to become the parents we most want to be while raising confident, caring children.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Spirituality, Education, Childrens

288 pages, Paperback

First published April 7, 2015

Reviews

[Jalal · Rating 5 out of 5]

كتاب آخر في التربية، ولا جديد... لكن تمهّل! هل يوجد جديد في أسس تربية وتنشئة الابناء؟!

هل توجد حلول سريعة وفعالة لجعل الابناء يتصرفون كما نحب؟ يأتي هذا الكتاب اللطيف ليحطّم هذا الأمل، فلا توجد حلول سحرية.

يأتي ليقول ان "حضور الابوة" يعني ان تكون حاضراً في لعبهم ومرحهم لا فقط في نهيهم وزجرهم.

يعني ان تكون قدوة في اخلاقك قبل تلقي المحاضرات في الصدق والامانة وانت تعيش يومك بين كذب وغش.

يعني ان تكون ملجاً يحميهم عند خوفهم وقلقهم لا مصدر القلق والخوف.

اذا كنت غارقاً في جهاز الآي باد ، فلا تنتظر منهم ان يستخدموه باعتدال.

لا تطالبهم بالمثابرة وانت تتقاعس.

... وفاقد الشيء لا يعطيه.

نعم توجد مهارات للتواصل وطرق عملية يتطرّق الكتاب لها لكن تركيز الكتاب على تفعيل دورك وحضورك في حياتهم كمربي وقدوة وربّان للسفينة يثق الابناء به. توجد تمارين وجدت من الأفضل تخطيها.

قد لا يختلف على هذا أحد، لكننا نغفل او نتغافل، فيأتي الكتاب ليذكرك.. خفيف وسلس (بالرغم من الترجمة السيئة جداً).

لمهارات التواصل أحيلك الى كتاب "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" للكاتبة اديلي فابر.



تقييم الكتاب (5 نجوم):

الباحث او المؤلف (وزن ٢٥٪‏): سوزان ستيفلمان اخصائية علاج تربوي ودكتورة علاج نفسي. خبرة 30 سنة بحسب موقعها. وكاتبة دائمة على موقع هوفنقتن بوست. أجد ثقة معقولة بالكاتبة خصوصاً أن الكتاب لا يدعو لأفكار غريبة. 5 نجوم.

الموضوع (وزن ٦٠٪‏): طرح الموضوع والتطبيقات لحضور الأبوة ملائم جداً لما نعانيه من تحديات في التربية. نعم توجد فصول قليلة الفائدة، لكن الأغلب جيد.5 نجوم.

الأسلوب والتحرير والإخراج (١٥٪‏): الاسلوب سلس وممتع للقراءة. الفصول غير تسلسلية فيمكنك تخطي ما لا يروق لك. اما الترجمة فسيئة جداً. يعتمد على الترجمة الحرفية بشكل مزعج. وجدت في احدى الفقرات عبارة "الصودا المشوية" وبعدها بأسطر عبارة "الصودا المخبوزة"!! لا يضر أصل الكتاب، وفي بعض الاحيان تكون الترجمة مضحكة! 3 نجوم.

[mairead · Rating 5 out of 5]

So enjoyed this. Felt like a meditative, recentering, calming, yet also energizing process just reading it.

Organized well with practical examples, great connections and references to other texts, and calls to reflection and journaling.

Read this in an actual physical book, highlighting and starring throughout. So glad Sham gave me it for my birthday so will have it as a reference.

Highlights from my first read:
* how you speak to your children -> their inner voice
* good manners help your child become person who makes others feel comfortable
* they need to know they are not their behavior
* good enough mother
* wonder without googling
* reminder of: is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?
* only apologize after experienced genuine remorse (four steps to an apology)
* practice being brave and kind
* make friends with the worst case scenario
* five appreciations to one negative comment (Gottman)
* Special Someday Wishlist
* activities: rub hands together, uncurl ears, peace corner, hug policy, stand on one leg, signals, calming bracelet, child's pose
* "relax and enjoy the peace and stillness of just being the sky"
* Velcro the good
* cancel, cancel
* do nothing
* there, there
* Personal Weather Report
* blame jar

[HobbesR · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was not for me. I thought the title was misguiding.
The book is more about how to be a yogi and use awareness and presence in the spiritual sense to learn how to be with your kids.
Most cases are going like this: your kids does something that upsets you? Misbehaving? What is it that upset you and what do you have to deal with yourself to solve it. Your kid is a teacher on your path to peaceful redemption.
And then it gives some good advice that you can find on another good parenting book by itself.
Anyway, I feel that this is a good parenting book hidden inside a consciousnesses blob.

[Eslam Sami · Rating 3 out of 5]

كتاب مهم و دسم جدا
يعتبر من كتبي اللي احتاج قرأتها مرة ثانية بعد اجل غير مسمى

[Sahar Pirmoradian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Do not start reading the book to fix your child behavior, instead it is a book on how to fix yourself, then, everything else gets fixed! The author is an experienced therapist who tells stories of her parent-child clients and how she helped them to find resolutions. When a mom complains about a particular child behavior, the therapist acts as being the therapist of the mom, not the child. She asks the mom to look deep into her own behavior and thoughts when a struggle happens at home. For example, she asks, why do you get so mad when your child disobeys you? When the mom may respond, it's because I was an obedient child and always acted like a good girl so I cannot tolerate my child's disobedience, the mom already got some answers to her problem. She gets so mad because of her expectations, her own experiences, or not having the chance to have such privilege of being disobedient. The author suggests if you look closely to your own behavior and thoughts, you will be in more control when a struggle happens and you are not caught in distress or turmoil about not only why the child behaves like so, but also why you lost your control as a parent.

The last chapter offers several and good practices to be more mindful, from rubbing your hands when you get trapped in your thoughts to making a thankfulness list of why you like about your child.

My only complain is that I believe the book is long and verbose, and some revision would have increased the quality of the text. Otherwise, I enjoyed reading it very much.

[MizzSandie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you Susan for this handy parenting tool with all its practical 'to-try's and all it's little exercise on reflections and love.
For its understanding but encouraging voice to grow and love more.
This book was what I needed and I'm grateful to have it to lean on for inspiration as well as a tender reminder that it's all okay and there is nothing that is not an opportunity for growth and strength.

Ps. I LOVE the cover and all the tenderness it exudes !! It is such a vivid reminder that children are just innocent souls and that loving them as we live and learn with them is the key factor.

[Maria (Ri) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Mindfulness and tuning into my connected self always yields more connected and effective parenting to my kids. This excellent book supports the whole family to gain presence with each other and parent from a place of guidance, respect, and love. I appreciate the practical information as well as the more big picture view this book provides. I will be revisiting this one as my grade schoolers approach high school, I'm sure!

[Madison LibraryBookFamily · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am always looking for the perfect trick to make my life with three small kids easier. This book didn’t have that trick. But it did make me stop and assess my relationship with my children. It reminded me that good enough parenting builds resilience. It reminded me that it’s not personal. My children are not deliberately trying to ruin all my carefully crafted plans. They just can’t control themselves. They want to feel loved, accepted, and important. They don’t want to be compared, shamed, isolated, or scared. This book gave me permission to grieve my lost ideas and life. It encouraged mindfulness. Living in the moment in all its craziness instead of regretting the past or fearing the future. It taught me to think of the the things that I love to see, feel, taste, smell, and hear and build them into my daily life.

It taught me better steps to an apology.
1. Specifically I am sorry for___.
2. I imagine you felt ___.
3. In the future___.
4. Is there anything you need from me?

It encouraged thinking of qualities I would like in my child:
Apologizing
Accepting accountability
Being happy and content
Honesty
Vulnerability
Communication
Connecting
Coping with stress
Compassion
Dealing with Anger
Good Manners
Empathy
Enjoy life
Feel worthy of love
Service
Honor Elders
Honor spirituality
Keep promise
Listen
Listen to intuition
Grateful
Self care and kindness
Be mindful
Respect
Reset happiness point
Live with purpose and passion
Boundaries

[Anton Suslik · Rating 5 out of 5]

Im a fresh parent of a young baby girl. This book, given to my wife and me by my parents, has been something of a bible to me. There is a ton of useful advice, thoughts an thought exercises to draw from. I think it's worth a reread each year. Thank you mom and dad for this 'gift'.

[Christy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not that I've read tons of parenting books, but this was practical and straight forward. Each chapter has exercises to complete to solidify the learning and a list of questions other parents have asked the author. The end of the book includes a chapter on tips/ideas/activities to become a more mindful parent. Parenting isn't just about your child, but what she can teach you and what you can learn about yourself along the way. We're not raising children, we're raising adults and hopefully confident, caring adults.

"Parents who are calmly and confidently in charge, being Captain of the ship, come across as clear, loving, and capable of making good decisions on behalf of their children, even if those decisions upset their kids because they can't do or have what they want."
"Helping our children become accustomed to being loved and enjoying the sweetness of life is the greatest contribution we can make to their future happiness."
"Our attitudes about life can make or break our children's stress levels."
"...kids learn far more from what they see than from what we say."

[Angela · Rating 4 out of 5]

I made quite a few notes as I listened to this (found myself wishing I was sitting down with a hard copy instead of trying to remember bits I wanted to note). A big theme is figuring out how you can grow from the challenges your child poses, & learn the lessons they're trying to teach you. I liked the idea of the reincarnation example she gives at the beginning. There's a lot of spiritual stuff in here (i.e., meditation, mindfulness, etc.) There's also a fair bit on figuring out how your adulthood triggers come from childhood hurts (I didn't care for those parts as much). I especially liked the practical exercises for connection & mindfulness in the last chapter. I also liked the additional resources she references throughout. Bought a copy so I could look back on some of the ideas.

[Jana M · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book with very practical suggestions and real-life question/answers at the end of each chapter to illustrate each point. Quite heavily spiritually based, so maybe not as "accessible" to someone completely foreign to those concepts and that language. If you are already have a meditation practice or have read Eckhart Tolle and think, "yeah, that all sounds great, but what about my REAL life with kids?" this is the book for you! She knows what she's talking about and explains how to make shifts in thinking/behaving so that everyone feels respected, loved and worthy.

[Alisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

We complicate things too much. We look for 10 steps to making kids mind and 5 methods for making them sleep and essentially, a manual for how to program our mini robots. This book offers none of those things. It, instead, goes to the root of most problems: lack of presence and lack of connection. And it gives real life applications for working on both things. This book is more for parents of older children, but the concepts and philosophy is valid for parents of kids any age.

[Donna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the most truly helpful parenting books I've ever read in my many years of reading parenting books! There's really good self-help information in this as well. I like her approach to raising well-adjusted children and to becoming a more well-adjusted person in the process.

[Stasi · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent book for those brave souls willing to connect with themselves as the key to connecting with their kids. I especially appreciated the MANY practical examples and tips. I think I will refer to this one often.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read for anyone interacting with children, but also useful in our everyday lives with the people we love. I really enjoyed the personal lessons, Buddhist teachings and the personable way it is written.

I highly recommend this book.

[Tanya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Full of great tips and ways to think about and approach things. Many of these things I've known but am not good at practicing. An easy read and I'll be flipping through it and making some notes tonight.

[Fatima · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best book in parenting , it teach you how you direct and guid yiur kidzs without exceeding your limits.
From my personal experience it gave me sigh of relife and i am sure my kidz felt it !

Highly recommended for parents

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read. Helpful strategies. Lovely outside-the-box perspective.

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was such a wonderful book on being more present in your parenting so that you children can grow up vibrant, confident, and alive! I loved the tips and tools it provides to you.

[Gloria Chavira · Rating 5 out of 5]

A really good book on practicing presence with our children. The author offers many examples, tips, and ends each chapter with exercises. Every parent should consider reading this book.

[Jess Macallan · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5

[Michelle Corder · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book. I would even recommend it to someone who didn't have kids for self development.

[Any Length · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone needs to read this book. Even if you don't have kids and are 50+ years old.
It will make sense of your life and change the way you interact with others, not just kids.

[madam0wl · Rating 4 out of 5]

helpful

[Caitlin Turner · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is filled with genuine warmth and countless possible strategies for more enlightened parenting.

[Erica Wagner · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really loved this book. It aligns with my spiritual principles and gave me practical ideas for parenting the way I aim to do.

[سلمى فؤاد · Rating 4 out of 5]

الأشياء في التربية أكثر واقعية، وسريعة جدًا، فمعرفة كيفية التعرف على خطأ الأبناء، أو إدارة ردود أفعالهم عندما يُضايق بعضهم البعض عند زيارة الجدة مثلًا، يُعادل دورة كاملة في نمو الشخصية، فالأبناء معلمين حقيقين لوالديهم، وقد يبتهج المربون بتخيل ذلك، لكن يوجد إختلاف بين قبول الفكرة وإسقاطها على أرض الواقع، بالفعل يزرع الأطفال الحب داخل والديهم، ولكنهم أيضًا يستخرجون الحالات الموجودة في شخصية والديهم، مثل قلة الصبر، وعدم التسامح، والتي تجعل الوالدين خجلين من أنفسهم.
وأحيانًا يتوتر الأبوان من وضع بعض الحدود لأطفالهم؛ لأنهم خائفين منهم، أو خائفين من قتل أرواحهم؛ عندما يحرمونهم من الشئ الذي يشتاقوا إليه، متأثرين بالحرمان الماضي من والديهم.
أظهرت بعض الإحصاءات عن الآباء في مقالة نيويورك تايمز حول نوعية الحياة بعد إنجابهم الأطفال، أنهم يعانون من عاطفة سلبية مع الأبوة أكثر من أي عمل آخر، مُتجاهلين أفراح الأبوة والقبل الرقيقة، شاعرين فقط بقوة حدث الأبوة وتأثيره عليهم؛ بسبب الطلبات التي لا تنتهي، وعدم وجود أمل واضح في طريق طويل، مليئ بالأرق، والضغط المالي، والفرص المتناقصة لمممارسة الجنس.
وبالفعل تربية الأطفال أمر شاق جدًا، والمحافظة على النفس بمعايير أسطورية من السلوك "صبورين دائمًا، مهذبين دائمًا" تؤدي إلى الكآبة بالفعل، وكون الآباء مسؤولين عن الاهتمام بالطفل وإطعامه، فلا يلغي ذلك شخصيتهم، أو التخلي عن حاجاتهم، ورغباتهم، والشعور بالإستياء أحيانًا أمر طبيعي، وفقدان السيطرة أيضًا، والتلفظ بألفاظ سيئة، ومن الضروري تقبُّل كل ذلك، كي يحِل السلام على النفس.
الأبوة رحلةٌ طويلة وشاقة، ومن الممكن ألا تحِّل المتعة في قلب الأباء، أو الطمأنينة، لكن بالتأكيد سيكون العالم ممتلئ بأناس كثيرة، قد كبروا وهم يشعرون بأنهم مقدَّرون، ومسرورون، يشعرون بالطمأنية في قلوبهم، والمسؤولية تجاه الأخرين، فلا يمكن تخيُّل مقدار التغيير الذي سيحدث على هذا الكوكب السريع!

[Kjersti · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great parenting book. Pretty dense, but worth making my way through it. Appreciated the way it was organized as it helped distill some of the heavy concepts. Loved the storytelling and vignettes as well as they were real and relatable. Definitely in the top group of parenting books I’ve read. The author focuses more on the parent than children.

[Monique Bannister]

I never imagined a parenting book could be such a page turner! Parenting with presence is such an perfect title because most of the parenting troubles today stem from being distracted, disconnected and she offers advice that is easy to digest