How to Survive the Loss of a Love

How to Survive

by Peter McWilliams, Harold H. Bloomfield, Melba Colgrove

Discusses the variety of reactions that people experience because of the loss of a love and provides numerous recommendations for coping with pain and achieving comfort

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Grief, Relationships, Poetry, Personal Development

208 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1977

Reviews

[Una Tiers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Years back, a friend gave me her copy of this book. For years, I gave copies to friends. I reread this book, forgetting that grieving is a process that varies from person to person and topic to topic. It is simple and I highly recommend reading it. If they let me write a chapter, I would say you can eat Dove bars or spaghetti for breakfast if you need to. And, remember to drink water.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm not normally a big self-help reader. Not that I think there's anything wrong with reading self-help books or anything; they just aren't normally what I pick up off the shelf. However, I would absolutely recommend this book to anyone going through a serious (or even not so serious) loss. It was recommended to me by a dear friend, and I'm so thankful. The best thing I can say about this book is that as I read it, I kept thinking, "Yes. Yes! That is exactly how I'm feeling, but I just couldn't put words to it."

I laughed, I cried, I felt less like a crazy person.

[April · Rating 5 out of 5]

"If you have a physical injury you are hospitalized, friends bring flowers, relatives bring baskets of fruit, you lie in bed all day--nurses give backrubs--you are pampered.
If you have an emotional injury, you are expected to show up for work the next morning and be as efficient as ever. You must, in short, deal with a world that simply does not accept the fact that emotional pain hurts."

This is such a sad fact: no one understands the time needed to emotionally heal. It's a process.

I would recommend this book to anyone who has lost a loved one, been dumped, or had some really traumatic thing happen to them. If you feel pain about some love that you've lost, whether it be a job, pet, spouse, house or dream, read this book!

It will only take you about an hour if you read it the entire way through, but I wouldn't recommend doing it that way. Read as you heal.

[liana ♓︎ · Rating 4 out of 5]

“I walk softly through life, adding thickness each day. A thought or a feeling of you cracks the surface. A call to you shatters it all”

“Rejection isn’t personal. When people say, “no” to you, they’re merely saying, “yes” to some other portion of their life”

“You came. We loved. You left.”

[Niki · Rating 4 out of 5]

A powerful road map. My therapist recommended this book to me after the death of my parents left me feeling like an adult orphan adrift and alone in the world. It’s written with the intention to encapsulate all levels of loss – from death to divorce. Quick, digestible bullet points describe all the tumultuous steps and half-steps of grief and recovery. Most of the things I had expected to see there – sleep issues, lack of energy, blah blah blah - but there were certainly some “side-effects” or steps I hadn’t attributed to my grief. Suffering of creativity? Ugh, check. The material did a good job of recognizing and humanizing the suffering without devaluing it. The downside is each level of is paired with some truly awful “high school breakup” poetry that doesn’t properly capture the tone of the material when confronting a hard loss like death. I can appreciate trying to appeal to all levels of loss, but perhaps “special editions” tailored more to the specific would be better served.

[Sydelle Keisler · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has been helping me through a hard time, and I’m grateful for it. This is the kind of book that, if you read it when you were in a good spot in life, you would think it’s cliche. But, if you read it when you’re in need of validation that heartbreak is hard and terrible and that you are resilient and loving, then it feels like a much-needed hug. (Minus the page that recommends going on a diet.)

[lynn❤️lynn · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by a very special person.
It's a practical read, that at times I found very hard to read, because I found what it said so true. It really hits the mark, and just allows you to think in other ways, it gives you the right to wollow in self pity, but see why this is actually good thing. There's no don't do this in this book. Even suicide is not a taboo subject, just another view,. The book causes you to reflect, ask questions of yourself, others, self reflection.
I've found it useful, and will read again in times of trouble, just to give me an alternative view. For me, I didn't like the poems, I couldn't understand the reasons for these, but then I'm not a poem person ;-)

[Scotti · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was also given me shortly after a family death. The friend who brought it to me drove it across town to me fairly late the night he heard about our tragedy. He said it couldn't wait - I needed it immediately. He was right. This, and George Anderson's book, have "saved my life" as they have helped me through the most horrific event a parent can go through.

The thing that ministered to me the most from this book was the author's ability to understand not just the HUGH thing that happened; but how you feel about the little things. Like going to pick up the phone to call, going to their favorite restaurant, hearing that song, etc. It addressed some of the little disappointments that I hadn't even recognized as grief.

This is also a book I buy in bulk and pass on as Mike did to me when I run into someone unfortunate enough to need it.

[Shell · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me multiple times by my therapist. I resisted, thinking it sounded too self-help-y and depressing. The authors mix the psychology of the grieving process with short poems and quotations. The result was surprisingly helpful and validating.

[Nicole Janee · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a quick read but very thought provoking. The authors validate a wide range of feelings and experiences on every page; as everyone going through a loss feels something a little different. I got some good takeaways from it!

[Marcus Holmes · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is amazing! I used it after a breakup with a girlfriend and it was so helpful for me. This is a great book for anyone who has experienced a loss, whatever it might be. A practical guide, it takes the reader through 94 days of reflections and activities. In a way, it becomes like a friend and guide to you during your recovery.

[Lou Berzock · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ella read me this book in the park and it was healing

[Dajana · Rating 4 out of 5]

Unexpectedly thoughtful and wholesome.

[Driver · Rating 1 out of 5]

What the f$@# did I just read?!
This book was advertized as a "self help" book containing significant psychological insights and methods to overcome the loss of a love, either due to a breakup, death or other circumstances.
But what it contains is nothing but dramatic, melodramatic poems that I found utterly depressing, confusing and felt very uncomfortable about reading as it gave me the impression I was reading someone else's diary.
Add odd, seemingly torn out of context allegories and very personal musings and "tips" for "survival," throw in God ad nauseam (eyeroll) and a few half quacky notions like "You have to go trust the process of having to go through the three stages of recovery," bla blubb, and you have just made money out of virtually diddly squat. Or should I say shit.
Funny that the three stages of recovery are basically the five stages of grief half combined and half torn out of context but okay.
Listen, I'm a big fan of self help books having at least a somewhat sympathizing or empathizing language to reach the reader at their deepest, most vulnerable and not just mentally or intellectually.
But there is hardly anything but lamentations and emo/goth kinda crybaby poetry in here which really, REALLY does not help.
This book is the equivalent to those types of self help groups that are not about moving on, support but just about people whining to each other and cultivating their brain pain.
I'm sorry but I find this book to be utterly worthless.

[Hayley Martin · Rating 5 out of 5]

My therapist recommended this book to me. I was hesitant to read it at first, but I am so, so glad I did.

Recently, I lost someone really important to me. The first two days, I stayed home and did nothing but cry. The rest of the week, I went back to work and did a lot of pacing. Healing has been difficult, and to be honest, I've felt stuck and more sad than I've ever felt.

I am not a fan of self help books. I find them preachy, and most of the time, I feel like shit instead of feeling better.
This book gave me hope. I don't feel stuck, and I know I won't feel this way forever.

I would HIGHLY recommend this to anybody going through a significant loss in their life, or anyone helping someone through this loss. It provides insight and suggestions to help healing and growth.

I will most likely reread this one, as I tore through this in a couple of hours the first time.

If anyone is feeling lost, hurt, depressed, or stuck, this is an amazing read.

"I am alive. I will survive."

[Anurag Shukla · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having survived the death of both parents at an early age, I thought I had what it takes to face whatever life throws at me. I could not have been more wrong about it.
This book came to me as much needed help and I have never looked back since.
When the divorce happened and sometime to this day, I feel the pain of barbed wire pulled out of my heart, one notch at time. Especially, when the culprit mind takes me back to old memories and how they mean nothing anymore. Every such memory has become barbed wire in my heart. The words in this book allowed me to tolerate and appreciate the pain.
It may never go away, the pain of barbed wires, but I know when I need it, to nurture the bruised and broken heart, this book will be there, one shelf away in my room, tucked among others.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'd be more inclined to do 3 stars because it's pretty basic, but for sentimental reasons it gets a 4. This book meant so much to me when I was a teenager. And maybe it's so simplistic for a good reason - there were pieces of this book that have stuck with me through the years, lines that were so familiar it was as if I'd read it just last week, not 30 odd years ago.

It wasn't the perfect companion for helping me deal with the recent death of my dog, since it's obviously more directed at a break up. But there was still comfort to be had here, and reminders of how to cope through the devastating process of loss and grief.

[Sherry Joiner · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Melba Colgrove, was a positive experience for me in accepting and understanding the death of a loved one to suicide and losing a relationship. I was able to visualize myself becoming comfortable with grief and anger, as I healed inside. I found hope. I cussed out my pillow, threw it against the wall, and saw a counselor the next day. This book is a must read.

[Jenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

10/10 The most lovely book on the tough subject of grief. With tips, hope, and validation, this books feels like a warm hug. I plan to keep this and use it throughout more losses in my life. Absolutely recommend, no matter what kind of loss you have suffered!

[MsheArt2 · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book, it was the best book I read that year,
a goddess sent, a recommendation for any one that's going through
a loss of a love, be that love a human or the loss of a goal, attainment.

[Colleen · Rating 3 out of 5]

My takeaway - the authors of this book named different types of loss. One type of loss that I hadn't considered was "limbo loss.” They don't define it super well, but here are some examples that they list: awaiting medical tests or reports on their outcome, a lawsuit, putting your house up for sale. They say, "the feeling of being 'in limbo' is itself a loss. Even if the situation turns out fine, while in doubt, that doubt is a loss." In that state of limbo, they say that "not knowing" may be the worst torture of all. We are all experiencing "limbo loss" during this particular time in so many ways. People cope with loss in different ways - or not at all.

[Kristina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sometimes it is really good to go over stuff you already know when it's told to you in a friendly, non-judgmental manner.

[Alexandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short, concise but also sensible. Has plenty of ideas to support you in a difficult time, without being cringe or very stereotypical.

[Savannah Silva · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is such a great little book for anyone who just experienced a difficult breakup. Written by a Yale psychiatrist and originally published in 1976, there are some fun references to now obsolete items like the Yellow Pages; however, Dr. Bloomfield’s advice is still relevant. Almost every bit of advice is paired with a poem he wrote at some point in his life. Overall, this is an uplifting, encouraging, and easy read full of reminders for moving through each stage of loss.

[Amy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book saved my life. I buy copies and hand them out to friends who are grieving.

[Allison · Rating 1 out of 5]

Love hurts. Love anew and undone, and like no other intricate connection I’ve known in my 27 years. It hurts me like no other. So in this dumb numb grief, I am given this dumb poetically tongue numb book. I read it all though. Out of a state of desperation, grief, I go through every page. I’m looking for a deeper and more intricate closeness than what Annie Ernaux and Björk present of their own ideation of atropos. But this book is far from it. I am not the audience it was written to, regardless of my state of heart. This book is more pages than words: far less articulate, far less poetic. If it were a contemporary, I’d be worried about the future of both self help and poetic genres. That being said, there were moments. I found points that brought me to a quivering breath and a blue outline of tears. Yes this may be a healthier read than another work like my beloved Bluets, but I finished this thing wanting and wishing for so much more.

[Steffan Bard · Rating 3 out of 5]

Rating: 3.5/5

Sat down in Barnes and Nobles and finished it in one sitting, probably about an hour and a half.

Solid and compassionate guidance for surviving the loss of a love relationship. Like the other reviewers, I, too, found the poetry to often be a bit cheesy or unnecessary, though it added some depth at other times.

My main take away’s:
-Recovering from any loss takes time.
-Being with and welcoming all feelings as they arise is the most effective way to heal.
-Don’t push yourself during this time of recovery.
-Balance time alone and time out with others or in activities.
-Feeling good, even if soon, does not mean you didn’t love deeply, it may mean that you are healing effectively.
-Do what you need to to get by; reaffirm meaningful beliefs that have helped you survive loss before, pamper yourself, meditate.

[Sara Testarossa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book very helpful in grieving the death of a loved one. I also can see how it can benefit people who have experienced other types of loss - the applications are wide. It's an easy read, not clinical, and the authors write in a way that connects with the reader (for me anyway) and feels genuine.

I liked the bits of poetry interspersed between the sections of more standard writing.

Though it's in theory a quick easy read in terms of the text, I found myself slowing down sometimes to follow some of the suggestions, other times to process what I'd just read or to process my grief. I think it would have been overwhelming for me to read in just a few sittings, but YMMV.

[Cori · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was sent to me by a good friend and colleague soon after I lost my mother unexpectedly to try to help me deal with my tremendous grief. The first section of it proved more helpful than the latter sections. It says it is for all loss, but I think it is better suited to the loss of romantic love.

Having completed the book, I will say that I am experiencing a new sense of loss. I miss having something to direct my grief toward. I was using it like a "to do" list. But now the "to do" list is done.

[Melly · Rating 3 out of 5]

My Mom read this book after my brother passed away many years ago and it really helped her. She suggested I read it after a bad break-up. Although our situations were very different, this book was comforting to us both. I haven't read it in years, but it's probably about that time to read it again.