Well. We have to talk about Kafka.
To be precise, I am going to write down my personal understanding of four and a half books that I have read for years.
1. Kafka's Biography. Franz Kafka: A Biography, by Max Brod.
2. Kafka's Dictation. Conversations with Kafka, by Gustav Janouch
3. Kafka to F. Letters to Felice
4. Kafka to M. Letters to Milena
5. Kafka's Visual Reading. I consider the fifth book as half a book.
I had many titles to choose from. When I read these books, I checked some impressive sentences and realized that it might be a mirror with a hidden exit, not only for this Jewish man who only lived for 41 years, but also for any self-conscious loner who is torn in his heart (regardless of era, age, race, and gender). However, at this moment, I gave up because I couldn't remember them accurately.
And, a mirror, it is not a real and fixed plane. Any slight tilt or movement of this mirror leads to an angle, a side; any angle or side is a new possibility and understanding, and it is intertwined with infinite paradoxes.
Honest people have the most and most eternal fears. To be more honest and reveal this fear is also a fearful path, but, without this fearful path, one cannot be sure of one's own existence. Do you know what fear is? One's own weakness, falsehood, and filthiness, the fall when trying to rise, and all the truths that come and go in one's mind (here, truth is not a good word, just like you try your best to put on the most fashionable and gorgeous clothes, but you are actually naked, which is worse than that fat emperor).
Obviously, Kafka's expression in the two passionate love letter books (Letters to Felice; Letters to Milena) is very different from his usual calm and peaceful impression (such as the way he looks in that book, Conversation with Kafka ), and he can't help but present the fragmented state of his soul. But you can fully understand that those letters are indeed not really aimed at love, not really aimed at a woman (especially F). Rather than saying that he is confessing love, it is better to say that he is confessing a soul that is too complicated and too heavy.
People are constrained by the so-called civilization of society and need more private confession and comfort. Especially based on the latter need, men tend to look for a close woman (just as women look for a close man). After that, even if the one they meet is not good enough(of course, we cannot 100% judge that F, Felice, does not understand Kafka at all because we have not seen her reply, but we can only cautiously speculate that she does not understand much, and M. Milena may be better), but they can't stop. Compared with being completely isolated and lonely in spirit, sometimes people have to take a straw as a life-saving thing.
Of course, the result is no suspense.
More than 700 pages of love letters (to F) and more than 200 pages of love letters (to M), 5 years of persistence and 1 year of persistence, can't save the soul from the water and fire.
On page 702 of Kafka to Felice, Kafka finally restrained himself and made a final statement about his behavior: "'Dear poor Felice' are the last words I wrote. Is this the end of all my letters? This pain is like being stabbed by a knife, twisted, and then pulled out." I don't know why, when I read this, I also felt the same kind of twisting pain, but at the same time, I can't deny that I breathed a sigh of relief for him. I have no reason but firmly believe that at that moment, Kafka himself also breathed a sigh of relief. Finally got rid of a false desire-- the most unreliable desire in the world.
And Milena, to whom Kafka once said: "I am dirty, Milena, very, very dirty", this woman who was "not a lady, but a girl" in Kafka's eyes replied, "I don't see any dirt in you, not at all. I see in you only everything that comes from life in your heart." I don't know if this is also the world's understanding of Kafka later--"Everything that comes from life in your heart." Does this mean that fear has a legitimate position, truth has a legitimate position? but at least, it should be a legitimate position for honesty. This sentence, which existed 88 years ago, is probably the comfort of all mixed souls. Of course, there is only one premise, honesty. You try your best to be honest.
I have to admit that reading Kafka, even in spring, cannot lead to joy and relaxation. It will only make you more silent and lonely, because you will believe that there are more secrets that are difficult to tell others, that kind of flame, that kind of ashes, cannot be spoken of. There is no actual obstacle between this world and you, but you are blocked. This desolate road exists in the center of the extremely lively and bustling world. However, this is still an unspeakable secret. You have to hold it until you die.
Since it is so cold, let's do some gossip next.
1. Kafka is a 100% absolutely handsome guy.
2.Felice has a mouthful of gold teeth. She should be smart and capable. She was pursued by Kafka for 5 years, and was finally abandoned by Kafka. Engaged twice, terminated twice. Because Kafka had expressed himself and knew that the hardship and loneliness of the soul could not be solved through marriage and family.
In fact, Kafka could be considered selfish. If it were the current blog era, he might have written a blog and would not have needed to use love letters to pursue the resonance of the soul. But I also think that my speculation is superficial. He still likes intimate relationships. He does not need fans.
Felice and Kafka are completely incompatible in spirit (really?), but she saved all the love letters Kafka wrote to her.
So, today we see this book with an astonishing thickness of 716 pages. In this regard, I think she is worthy of respect.
3. Milena is a married woman. They were passionate about each other, but Milena refused to divorce at the time , fruitless (but actually, she divorced a few years after Kafka's death).
Milena eventually died in a Nazi concentration camp. The conversation about whether it was dirty or not basically proves that this woman was Kafka's, Kafka's woman. As some analysts have said, if Kafka had any love in his life, it was probably this one. It was not the kind of ecstasy as before, but a deep and clear emotional interaction. He was 37 years old when he was with Milena. His 30-35 years old was with F.
4. It is said that Kafka had an illegitimate child and he never knew about it. The child died at the age of 7, earlier than Kafka. This was said by a woman who gave birth to the child (not F, nor M). But in all the informations, this statement cannot be confirmed. So it is doubtful. Maybe it is true, maybe it is a misunderstanding.
5. Gray Jackdaw. This statement comes from Kafka himself. He said that he is a jackdaw hiding among the stones, and he is gray, an unpresentable bird, the Kafka bird.
6. Kafka likes Chinese poetry and Chinese philosophy. He quoted Yuan Zutai's poem twice, telling a story about a woman, who is not this poet's wife but a concubine, asking her scholar husband on a cold night not to read books all the time, "grabbing the lamp and gently scolding what time it is ", and Kafka made a long comment about this scene. I realized later that Yuan Zutai is Yuan Mei, who was a poet in Qing Dynasty.
Kafka likes the "Tao Te Ching", but thinks it is too profound, and can only understand the "Nanhua Jing". But the way he looks in "Kafka's Oral History", Conversation with Kafka, his attitude and statement of persuading Janouch to deal with his parents' divorce, are vividly derived from Laozi and Zhuangzi. He also repeatedly said that there is only patience, everything in the world can be only saved by patience.
The Kafka who wrote the love letter was extremely passionate, while the Kafka in the oral narration was extremely quiet. They were completely in the same time. What a strange and sad state it was.
7. Kafka died at the age of 41. The person who lived with him for the last 8 months was a 19-year-old girl. This girl was his real life-saving straw.
At that time, Kafka hoped very much that he could survive and live with Dora Diamant. Kafka believed that all the tragedy of his life because of writing letters. He dissected himself, split himself, and struggled with himself in the letters. He never wrote to Dora (at 40, he no longer needed to write letters), but lived together, so it seemed that he could be saved (it was just like that).
Very unfortunately, death came at this moment.