Baby Hater

by C.V. Hunt

A novelette about an unlikely superhero.

Genres: Fiction, Bizarro Fiction, Horror, Humor, Ebooks, Book Club, Female Authors

47 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 5, 2014

About the author

C.V. Hunt lives in Yellow Springs, Ohio, is the owner of Grindhouse Press, and writes unpopular fiction.

Reviews

[Nefariousbig · Rating 5 out of 5]

There's more to this story than the hilarious antics of an antiheroine who goes around punching babies.

I only wanted to punch a child in the face for every woman who couldn't have children. I wasn't sure what those numbers were, but I was sure a daily baby smackdown was too much.

Baby Hater could be a public service announcement for so many things. C.V. Hunt doesn't just make you laugh, she makes a point. One, not every woman should have a baby. Not because she wouldn't be a good mother, not because she isn't a good person, not even because she would or would not actually punch a baby. Not every woman should have a baby because a baby should not define a woman. What's so special about being a mother, anyway?

I would never be adored [...] for doing something as easy as lying on my back, spreading my legs, and letting my cunt become a come-catching receptacle. Women have been doing it for millions of years and everyone still acted like it was a fucking miracle each and every time. It all came down to a simple science but the world always acted like the mother was a fucking saint.

Or, a baby for that matter.

The world would bow down and bend over backward for this eating, shitting, and crying lump of flesh. And the mother? Everyone would congratulate her for letting some man squirt inside her."

Well, now, isn't that special? Hunt isn't saying anything most of us haven't thought at least once. Let's be honest, babies are a fucking pain in the ass. Punching babies is a metaphor for life. Punching life for all of the pointless things that happen everyday that are totally out of your control, and then running like hell to try to get away with it. Maybe. Maybe not.

I've never punched a baby. Probably never will. Hunt sums it up nicely with this:

The world is falling apart. And I've been deprived of correcting a mess for close to 25 years. I know what I'm doing isn't going to fix anything, but at least I'll die knowing I got a little revenge on the generation that's ruining society.

I don't have that kind of conviction. Hell, most people don't have that kind of conviction. That's probably why baby punching is bad. Yeah. It's bad. Probably. Right?
_________
Now, for a gratuitous baby punching gif:

Even Will Ferrell hates babies:


The only thing worse than punching babies? Punching James Franco! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

[Mara · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not what one might call a “baby person.” I'm not against the very existence of babies*, but they make me decidedly uncomfortable. There are some exceptions, but for the most part, I don't ‘do’ babies (see disambiguation of term below).



Our titular Baby Hater , however, has a different bone to pick with the infant crowd; namely, the fact that she can't bear one. Infertile and alone, she has a decidedly grimmer view on the so-called circle of life.

After being forsaken by two assholes for clusters of cells that multiplied and multiplied and turned into wriggling shitting machines, so the wriggling shitting machines could grow up to be raised by the assholes, therefore destined to turn into assholes themselves, I grew to despise children.

And the children she so despises are constantly making themselves known. It seems parents these days just don't know how to keep their babies from crying.



So, what's to be done other than to start punching babies in the face? And boy does that turn out to be a rush! It also turns out that she's not alone in wanting to take these babies to task.

The book is only 37 pages long, so I'll leave it at that. It's funny, and dark, and ridiculous, and its cover bears an uncanny resemblance to Butters' grandmother from South Park (I'd take being punched in the face over “gummy bears” any day).



So, next time you miss your train because a parent thinks this is a good time to let little Suzy try out her walking skills on the escalator, maybe this will make for a relaxing read.

But, of course, every now and then a cool baby comes around (read: I'm always looking for excuse to do a Wee Baby Seamus montage).


___________________________________________
* Unlike certain genre-defining country musicians who think all babies (those soft-skulled, fat little germ-sacks) should be drowned (well, not all babies, just baby people).

[Danger · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s about time someone taught these smug little babies to stop rubbing their goddamn cuteness in everyone's freakin’ faces all the time!

This is the assertion of the central character in Baby Hater, an infertile woman in her late 30s who becomes the sort of folk hero our times are in desperate need of – a baby punching vigilante who haunts suburban street corners and shopping malls, seeking violent revenge against all the boastful mothers and their ugly little larva.

So what would compel someone to punch a baby? I guess that’s the main question a reader is going to ask themselves while making their way through this book. The answer to that is: I don’t exactly know. But, to be fair, I don’t think it’s really our lot to root for the narrator. Or even condone her behavior. Merely, we are given a chance to understand the narrator’s motivations, however misguided they are. And, once you get past the initial shock that the plot of this book revolves around punching babies in the face, you can actually start to sympathize. This is a woman who is sad, who is broken, who is desperate to leave a mark in this world. And yes, the steps she takes in leaving that mark are a tad...austere. But in the reality of her situation, being the type of person she is, they are not altogether unwarranted.

This book is cynical. It’s dark. It’s off-putting, melancholy, the ending is a bummer, the beginning is pretty much a bummer, the middle is a bummer too – BUT – there is definitely a tongue-in-cheek aspect to the storytelling. It’s funny. Not HAHA-funny. It’s I-can’t-believe-what-I’m-reading-funny. It's high-concept and low-brow. It's a spectacle you have no choice but to slow down and rubberneck at. It's a good book. And a lot of fun.

Now after reading this short novel, am I going to go out there and start punching babies myself any time soon? Probably not. But if I ever switch on the news and see that there was a baby hating incident in my local supermarket, I won’t be so quick to point my finger either. We all want to be remembered for something. And you can’t blame a girl for trying.

[Melki · Rating 4 out of 5]

It took me longer than I expected to conceive the first time around. I'd always thought of myself as amazingly fertile and bursting with fecundity. I mean, why the hell else would I have these damned "birthing hips?" But it finally happened. I was with child, and yes, those hips did come in handy. The second kid? Well, my husband and I were still discussing whether or not to have another - he adamantly wanted one, I thought things were perfect the way they were - when I got knocked up again. I often wonder what my life would have been like had I NOT been able to get pregnant. Would I have concentrated on a career or pursued my art? Or would I have become resentful of all those happy families flaunting their adorable babies?

Would the sight of THIS



have driven me to violence?

Could I have become the Baby Hater, punching innocent babes, then bolting?

Hmm . . .

If your sense of humor runs toward the dark side, you'll probably enjoy this tale of a baby-hatin' childless woman who refuses to keep her emotions (and fists) in check. It's rather fascinating how Hunt's anti-heroine catches the public's attention and then, of course, the internet takes over.

It seems baby punching is already sweeping the nation.





Everybody's doing it.

Even babies . . .

[Renée · Rating 5 out of 5]

A short story that packs a mighty punch. Brilliant! 🤣

[TL *Humaning the Best She Can* · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars
~~~~
The first time I punched a baby in the face I didn’t realize what I’d done until its mother started shrieking. I stood slack-jawed in the middle of a sparsely populated mall in the middle of the afternoon, staring at the mother’s white knuckles gripping the stroller handle. It took a few seconds for my brain to process what the woman was screaming.

This is one of those things that I can some of my friends saying "What the hell you reading that for?" Haha :)

Still not sure why I picked this up... Morbid curiosity I guess you could say.
I was surfing Amazon for free short stories and this one was one I found a few pages into my looking around.

The title of course caught my eye right away, and I couldn't help clicking on it.
Certainly sounded different. I was dubious but also interested... read a few reviews and decided to take a chance.

I still remember the trembling adrenaline rush as I checked my rearview mirror a thousand times to make sure the cops weren’t following me. I wish I could live that moment over and over. Nothing is as good as the first time. Like the first fuck with a lover. You’re always so pumped up it’s over before you know it and you hardly remember anything about it but snippets of the other person’s face or the sigh they made when they entered you.

Surprised myself by enjoying this. Being in this woman's head was... interesting to say the least. I felt bad for her and what she went through while also simultaneously wanting to smack her and rooting for her not to get caught.

There was one point near the end where I wanted to kick more than one person's butt... pretty sure steam was coming out of my ears and some choice words were running through my brain... anyone got a Hulk I can borrow?

I would say give this a chance, free on Amazon still as of 1/1/2017, so what have ya got to lose? ;-P
It definitely won't be for everybody though.

[Angel Gelique · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars

"After being forsaken by two assholes for clusters of cells that multiplied and multiplied and turned into wriggling shitting machines...I grew to despise children."

This book starts out with, "The first time I punched a baby..." and proceeds to tell the story of a miserable woman, one greatly embittered by the fact that she is unable to have children. Readers never get her name; she is known only as The Baby Hater. I'll refer to her as BH. After two failed marriages and a dangerous over-abundance of resentment, BH loses control and punches an infant in the face one day while at the mall. She isn't even aware of her actions at the time, only the satisfying thrill and exhilaration she feels. She decides that she'll restore the balance in her wretched world by hurting innocent babies.

It sounds awful, right? Yet, this book was more fun than I should probably admit! How will I ever look at an infant again without balling my hand into a tight fist and grinning wickedly?!? Kidding, of course. 😊

It may seem preposterous but I could totally see something like this happening in this day and age. The story isn't as far-fetched as most people would care to believe.

This is the second book I've read by the very talented C.V. Hunt and I'm greatly impressed by her creativity and proficiency for fascinating story-telling. I applaud her courage to step beyond the comfort zone and deliver such unique and wildly engrossing stories.

[Alex ☣ Deranged KittyCat ☣ · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first time I punched a baby in the face I didn’t realize what I’d done until its mother started shrieking.

Yes, it's that kind of shocking book. And if you shy away easily, Baby Hater is not for you.

This is my third time with C.V. Hunt, after having read Last Woman On Earth and How To Kill Yourself. Her short stories are harder to digest, but they are worth it nonetheless. And after Baby Hater, I can say for sure I'm a Hunt fan.

Our heroine, the woman who finds pleasure in hitting toddlers, has her reasons for acting the way she does. She has been diagnosed infertile and finds it hard to keep a man once he finds out she cannot have children.

After being forsaken by two assholes for clusters of cells that multiplied and multiplied and turned into wriggling shitting machines, so the wriggling shitting machines could grow up to be raised by the assholes, therefore destined to turn into assholes themselves, I grew to despise children.

After her first toddler she felt a rush she keeps trying to recreate, but it gets harder and harder as mothers grow more alert. And you know what she keeps thinking?

I was more concerned with going to jail than I was about the repercussions of hitting an infant in the head.

But problems soon arise as a second Baby Hater starts hitting children around town, and they have a showdown to see who should retire and who should remain the only superhero (as deemed by the Internet).

What our hero failed to realize are the large-scale consequences of her actions. And they are as scary as they are believable.

So, go check Baby Hater out. You might like it.

[William III · Rating 5 out of 5]

A completely reasonable book.

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

For the record I am a father of three and should be offended by this but I found it more funny than offensive. Let's be honest here and admit that we have all wanted to punch a baby but common sense always prevails.

C.V. Hunt has written a short but funny novellette that gives a voice to a variety of different problems in our society. The Baby Hater will probably offend a few people but so what! The bizarro genre isn't for everyone and once you actually read Baby Hater you can see that the baby puncher did have the best of intentions.

C.V. Hunt is becoming one of those novelists you have to read. She is immensely talented and despite the subject matter Baby Hater is well written and darkly funny.

[Kevin Berg · Rating 5 out of 5]

the first line had me, and the fun continued from there. sure, there's a reason behind everything, but wonderful creativity turned this absurd idea into a very entertaining plot for this thing. yes i did laugh, out loud at a few points like a crazy person. so when my wife or daughter or mother in law asked what was so funny, i had to tell them about punching babies - and some of that group took it better than others. of course this is dark, it's c.v. hunt. it's also the kind of humor some people just don't get. thanks for the laugh, and for making people uncomfortable. just curious, am i the only one that looked for a video after this one?

[Auntie Raye-Raye · Rating 4 out of 5]

Why didn't I read this sooner? I could've been the Baby Hater for Halloween. Well, I still can dress as her for like a trip to the grocery store or something.

I can relate to this. I am an infertile woman in her late 30s. I don't quite hate babies enough to punch them. I'm just not that into them. This was an awesome story, where you can just feel the hate. I'd suggest reading this with Gina Ranalli's MOTHERPUNCHER.

[D. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book about that old lady from that Seinfeld episode who Jerry stole the marble rye from is a shameful breach of narrative and good taste. It is disgusting and foul—and yet, at the same time, like Nina's painting THE KRAMER from that same episode: I cannot look away . . .

[Rodney · Rating 5 out of 5]

Totally hilarious and taboo, you may be offended. If you cannot remember that this is meant to be entertaining, maybe you need to be offended. There were many laugh out loud moments. Babies and their mothers become the outlet for the protagonist's frustration with being infertile. The reader is taken along for quite an amusing ride. I will not spoil by adding anything else. Call me deplorable, but I enjoyed this very much.

[Jade · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing. My first comments after that will be this--you need a good sense of irony and humor to really get this book. This is my first C.V. Hunt book, and it will definitely not be my last. I was not sure what to expect from this slim tome with amazing artwork (a hallmark of Ms. Hunt's work). Interestingly I suspect that everyone who reads this will have a significantly different reaction. I found myself laughing one minute and empathizing the next.
I personally never like to speculate out loud what authors might be thinking or feeling when they write their work. That's part of the fun--taking what you relate to from a book and somewhere inside wondering if that was the intention. I definitely related to this in more than one way.
It was especially meaningful for me as a woman in her 40's who has no kids and wants no kids. I love kids--don't get me wrong--I am the go to sitter for most of my friends who have kids--I am a giant kid myself. I chose not to have children and I don't regret it a bit. However, despite these being modern times, I get questioned more often than you would believe about why I don't have kids--this is covered so beautifully and with such feeling in this book--despite being humorous and biting, this is a real thing--it's especially bad when you are in your 20's and 30's--people often have the gall to question an incredibly personal decision like this--and it leads to a lot of things--mostly bad--some people never think beyond their own experiences and will ask and say the most appalling things. I love how the book addresses this issue. It does create anger and pain and even guilt (especially coming from parents or relatives in general).
This book is sort of like what a woman's daydream about what getting back at those asses that think it's perfectly okay to judge women on how they use their reproductive ability would be like--whether the person knows their medical or mental history, their family life, their relationship. It's funny and sad (two of my favorite things) and yes, empowering. It's satire and it has a very strong message but it's not preachy or hateful and the writing is excellent--very confident and with a strong voice--and nothing derivative in my experience. I have honestly never read anything quite like it before and that's wonderful to me. Highly recommend.

[Simply Sam · Rating 3 out of 5]

This would have been a better story had our hero punched babies just because she hated fucking babies. That would have been an awesomely hilarious and justifiable motive for the serial baby smacking crime spree. Some people just hate kids and that's okay. If this story had just built on that, on the premise that a woman, fully capable of having kids, chose not to because she hated looking at baby faces, or talking baby talk, or having her life revolve around competing with Pinterest Parents and tallying parent points for whose kid is the smartest or the first to talk or walk or shit on the toilet, now that would have been a great story.

Instead our baby backhander was just a bitter, infertile, middle aged woman who was tired of being pitied for not having kids. Trust me, I get it. I do. But most people who suffer from infertility don't want to play punch baby. That's like the last thing they want to do. They want to punch the baby mommas or the baby daddies or the people who tell them that the whole reason they aren't making that baby magic is because they are "trying too hard." In fact, they probably want to throat punch the parent and take the baby and run far, far away, to a place where they can live out their lives blissfully complete with a baby in tow.

However....

I have to give kudos to the author for writing a story about punching babies and having that awesome opening first line:

The first time I punched a baby in the face I didn't realize what I'd done....

Now that was pretty damn brilliant.

[Marvin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read Baby Hater this year in C. V. Hunt's short fiction collection Misery and Death and Everything Depressing. Yet since it is also available as a separate novelette, it only seems fair to rate it in all its glory with the full five stars it deserves. Baby Hater is a darkly funny tale of an unlikely hero who is determined not to let others steal her dubiously deserved fame. I suspect some will find this disturbing. I found it disturbingly brilliant.

[Alex | | findingmontauk1 · Rating 4 out of 5]

"The first time I punched a baby in the face I didn't realize what I'd done until I heard its mother shrieking."

Baby Hater follows an infertile woman who is basically tired of being defined by others by her ability to have/not have a baby. She has been practically shunned by the last two men she was with because of that fact and so her head space is a little angry - and I don't blame her! What ensues is a baby-punching spree to satirical proportions and a copy cat. And what are we if not sheeple in this day and age and do everything we see on the news and post our variations and versions of it on YouTube/Facebook for attention, likes, and sh*ts and giggles? This tongue-in-cheek novellete is a perfect introduction to C.V. Hunt for me to learn some of her style. I truly enjoyed this story and can't wait for more! 4 stars! And my copy is signed! WOO!

[Kenneth Skaldebø · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a story about a woman punching babies. It's an anthem for childless women all over the world!

[M.C. O'Neill · Rating 5 out of 5]

CV Hunt entertains again.
Our narrator is thirty-eight and unable to have kids. One day at the mall, she gives in to her envious urge to punch a baby in the face.

What began as an enraged tic soon becomes a citywide phenomenon as she punches more babies while dressed in an array of goofy costumes. Then comes the competition...

Hunt examines crowd-minds, mob mentality and how a human herd can be culled no matter how ghastly the trend. The narration and dialog are sarcastic, snarky, and overall hilarious, but anyone who reads Hunt's work knows to expect this.

As always, this author makes socio-political jabs at our 21st Century, and executes it in such a fun way that it isn't some lousy, Red Pill pedantic. Oh, those are cool too, but in Hunt's hands it suddenly becomes awesome.

[Mel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fast hilarious read about a woman who likes to punch babies! I needed a fun read and a good laugh and this provided it. For anyone who has ever fantasized about socking a crying baby in the mall or well anywhere. So glad I have impulse control.

[Jessica T. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a modern day classic..

[Matthew Clarke · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great, short read. Weird but not without reason!

[Ayden Perry · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read “baby hater by @scarycarrie1 c.v.hunt” while this was meant to be a funny shocker read. It definitely brought up some old feelings. The main character has trouble having kids and takes it her frustrations out by hitting babies in the face. She is looked at as a hero and she has reasons to continue and a purpose. She does it for all those women who can’t have kids even if they want to. There is more to the story that spins this cause into a whole other situation entirely. But the feelings this book brought up were the feelings I had when I tried fertility treatments for 5 years and gave up. While I didn’t feel like hitting babies in the face , I did take my anger and dark emotions out on my friend who had just found out she was pregnant at the time. She said she never wanted to have kids. I hated her for being able to have kids when I wanted one so badly. I said some hurtful things that I wish I could take back. I felt justified in my feelings and in what I did to our friendship until a miracle happened. A year after my husband and I had signed off that we were never having children, I became pregnant with my baby boy. I thought back to those hateful things I said to my friend and I felt so much shame for the way I felt and how I acted. No one will ever understand this feeling unless you’ve gone through it yourself.

[Stay Fetters · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's about damn time that someone put those smug ass babies in line.




Any time you see a baby wailing, don't you just wanna.... wham right in the face?

The heroine of the book hates babies and children a like. Not everyone wants kids or can have kids. And there are a lot of people in this world who don't need kids. She just went up to someone in the mall and punched a baby in the face and ran like the fucking wind.
She got such a thrill, that she made it her monthly habit. Dress up in disguises and go and punch one baby. This baby punching got everywhere, and even made a superhero fan page for this "baby hater". And everyone wanted a piece of the punching pie. People claimed to be the one and only. And then there were two, they will battle it put for the baby hater puncher title.
After the old lady punching fiasco, teens start posting videos on youtube of hitting children. And this is how she gets her rocks off from now on.

C.V. Hunt wrote things we might all be thinking but never do. Full of cunning whit, this will have you laughing and appalled at the same time. Bravo!

[Hakim · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow, that was wacky! And in a very good way.

The extremely talented C.V. Hunt demonstrates that books about people punching babies can be funny, thought-provoking (nah, I'm not going to start punching any babies... I don't think I will. I might. Who knows.) and compelling. I absolutely loved how she emphasizes the overratedness of the little ones-

"I thought about how this little product of the simplest and humanly instinctive act was now the embodiment of adoration of doing nothing more than existing. The world would bow down and bend over backward for this eating, shitting and crying lump of flesh. And the mother? Everyone would congratulate her for letting some man squirt inside her. But me? People felt sorry for me."

C.V. Hunt, count me in as a fan!

[Russell Holbrook · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think is one of my favorite books ever. I was reading it in a coffee shop with my wife. I started laughing so hard that my wife and the other coffee shop patrons near us started smiling and giggling.

I wish I had more intellectual and / or fancy things to say and make this an impressive review. I don't. I am tired. I probably shouldn't be writing reviews when I'm tired.

Here is my summation: Baby Hater is a kick-ass story. C.V. Hunt is awesome. I want to read all of her books. Amen.

[Kathryn Grace Loves Horror · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not all of Hunt’s work is for me, but there’s also a lot of it I really enjoy. While Baby Hater wasn’t my favorite, it was definitely worth a read. I recommend it for Hunt fans, and it’s a good starting point for those unfamiliar with their work. It’s shocking at times, but never graphic. And it’s consistently amusing and occasionally even thought provoking.

[Courtney-Lynne Lowe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Funny as Fuck, Especially if you Hate Babies

I couldn't stop laughing at this book. It's short enough to read in 30 minutes and it'll keep you engrossed until the very end. #BabyHaterforPresident2016

[Teresa · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW! Gonna review this in the morning on my laptop so I don't lose the damn thing like I always do. CRAZY GOOD!!!