I adored reading this novel. I think it's a wonderful look into mental illness in the Black community that continues to be on the back burner or swept under the rug. I empathized with Stacy much more than sympathizing for Rikki. I know it must sound like a horrible thing to say because after reading through Rikki's plight you know how depression can have a grip on your life where you can't even control your actions. But I loved this book because it helps people understand what it means to be affected by someone else's mental health or addiction problems.
There are people who go "Oh, woe-is-me, someone that I know is having problems and it's making it really hard for me to have fun with them." No, those people are fake.
The ones that get called up in the middle of the night staying on the phone so someone doesn't hit their breaking point; who gets vented to all the time while never being asked how they're feeling; who are emergency contacts for those who are CONSTANTLY getting themselves into trouble, locked up, in the hospital, in a financial crisis, etc. The ones that are just as much in the muck as the person going through hell, but they're the only person around so if they leave the other one will sink. This book is for them. Think of this book as the mental health version of Jodi Piccoult's, My Sister's Keeper. If you liked that book then you'll be sure to enjoy this one.
1) THE CHARACTERS DON'T DEPICT THE STEREOTYPICAL "SUFFERING" OF BLACK PEOPLE
Too many times have I read books, movies, and television shows about the struggle and oppression of People of Color. Drugs, crime, prostitution, gangs, poverty. It gets old really fast and it's not good for the human psyche to see people of your hue always depicted this way. So it was pleasant to see that this family grow up in a safe, respectable neighborhood in a 2-parent household (on the outside at least) with the children not wanting for anything and getting a quality education.
2) USING FOOD AS A SOURCE OF HEALING AND PATCHING NEGLECTED FEELINGS
I want to know if anyone else noticed that whenever something MAJOR happened in Stacy's life it wasn't healed or responded to with positive feedback or care. It was always patched up with food. People aren't animals. Food can be a treat, but you can't use food to replace apologies, communication, misunderstandings, and guilt. I first realized this on pg. 33 when Stacy had to stay home on suspension because of her fight with Pamela Keller. Stacy got in one helluva fight to defend Rikki (something she was involuntarily charged to do as a YOUNGER sister), was scolded by her father which hurt more than anything, and 3 days of missed school. But the most Rikki can conjure up as an apology are those 0.25 coffee cakes from school. Their mother replies with "Isn't that sweet, Anastasia? She didn't have to do that. So thoughtful." You can almost hear the “you should be more like your sister" behind that statement. Stacy goes on to say, "And that's how it went, and how it continued to be. I'd take the heat whenever Rikki couldn't handle it. She offered gifts as payment." I don't want a relationship with anyone where they think they can buy my love, forgiveness, apologies, and silence.
When she applied for the private school her father took her out for ice cream. It's like, well, ya didn't get in. Instead of trying to comfort you, I'm going to take you out for ice cream, hit the green, and just be silent. If it were Stacy, her parents would have smothered her with gifts and treats to make her feel special.
Pg. 55. When Jacques tells the parents that Rikki beat up Stacy the parents immediately go comfort Rikki even though Stacy is in bad shape. Rikki gives Stacy pints of ice cream and donuts as an apology for the physical and emotional pain. It wasn't mentioned anywhere that Rikki received punishment for her wrongdoing. It's like Stacy has to literally stomach the hurt that she receives from the people that she is supposed to trust the most while everyone is dismissing how these things affect her.
3. DO THE PARENTS EVEN love STACY?
I wondered if the parents had loved both children equally, loved Rikki more than Stacy all along, or if the love had increased for Rikki because of her fragility? I wouldn't say that the parent's love was the reason she started to get way better in her academics and social life. Because if love were fueling her well-being she would have been more compliant with taking her medication and seeing the people around her as a source of strength, manic depression aside. Chapter 6, Walk in the Light, is the aftermath of Rikki's suicide attempt. Stacy is terrified of being in the large house by herself and none of her family members even bother to check up on her. No phone call, no short stop to say, "Hey, how are you faring?", not even asking a neighbor to poke their head in and make sure she wasn't dead from starvation herself. Apparently, the girls aren't allowed to cook on the stove even though they're 17 (what, really?) and Mom comes in to make a half-assed, unpalatable meal for Stacy. Dad doesn't look her in the eye and they spend the days until Rikki comes home floating around one another like ghosts in a haunted house who can't even keep one another company.
This part of the story made me upset because Stacy was just trying to be a good girl and not go on the stove and her Mom snaps at her telling her that she's old enough make her own food. Which is true, but there are times when you KNOW you're old enough to do something, but your parent, for some reason, prevents you from doing it. Then all of a sudden they get on you like, "Why aren't you able to do this thing, you're grown!" And it's like, "Yeah, I know but I'm not going to try and argue with you about this thing that I've known I COULD do for years."
Being real for a minute and just pointing out that a lot of parent's rules are bullshit. Sometimes they just make up rules because they're young and strong enough and they've got enough patience to pay attention. But as they get older or the more children are spaced chronologically the less likely they'll care and nothing matters. Like, your 1st born daughter wasn't allowed to be on the phone with a boy after 5, but your 3rd daughter could have male company stay over IN the house until 8???
IS RELIGION MERELY A STATE OF MIND?
Religion, at first played a large role in the way this family operated. Buuuuut, when their faith was put to the test the foundation of their family crumbled. When Stacy wanted to continue going to choir practice the Mother snapped at her and told her that she didn't need to go to church to worship God. But if the family is in a state of crisis, shouldn't they turn to God for strength and fortitude? Even when they came up with the lie that she had been bitten by a black widow (cause that's a thing, right?). You know why they didn't go? Churchfolk. They live in the kind of community where people who label themselves as "Christians" are nothing but hypocritical, gossipy, backsliding heathens who are always talking smack about people and secretly wishing them unwell so that they're OWN families will look better in comparison. Exhibit A is Matthew's Mother, Zenobia. She wanted Matthew to marry another chick and the assumption made was because she was "high yellow". Pg 23
On. pg. 88 it mentions that the Father stopped going to church when his own daughter stopped going. Aforementioned above I feel like parents just put their energy into bullshit that they don't really care about or go about with the motions. If they were true Christians they would have kept going, with or without her, if even just to pray for her. And then he tells Stacy, "...Rikki's smarter than that. I thought you were too." Ummm, excuse me, don't put me BELOW the person who tried to commit suicide. And how can you chastise me for not being woke to the hypocrisy of a way of life that you've embedded in me since birth???
Rikki's illness truly did a number on the family. Everything seemed to have been going well and good when there was no one and nothing to worry about. But as soon as a crack or fissure happens to destroy the family dynamic you truly get to see what people are made of and how strong people's ties are. The role of a nurturing, kind, patient Mother is replaced by a chastising, reproachful, and spiteful being. The protective, leading, wise Father is replaced by a chiding, physically and mentally absent ghost.
4. THIS IS WHY MENTAL HEALTH THERAPISTS ARE IMPORTANT
On pg. 88 Rikki confesses to Stacy that she's been having terrible nightmares and strange thoughts. The only thing Stacy can think to say is, "Okay." And I'm not mad at Stacy either. This is proof that you need to go to a professional when it comes to mental health. I believe in a lot of people's minds that that's ALL they can do. It's ok to be there for people when they need you to offer support, but you have to help them while they help THEMSELVES. You're not supposed to be someone's whole rock because if you can't provide in some way then you'll feel like you let them down and that you're responsible for what happens to them.
I think there are degrees of what people should be able to handle in relation to other people. For example, don't take on the bulk of your co-workers problems. You can sympathize, empathize, send them little cherry notes throughout the day, ask them how they're doing the next day, but you can't be their human comfort animal. You can't come running every time they have an anxiety attack, or remind them to take their medication, or to keep a lookout for maladaptive behaviors and triggers. Tell them to go get therapy or to see in the in-house therapist if your job offers that kind of service. A life partner is better suited to take on the heavier things but it's still not a good to burn them out where your mental illness defines your relationship. It should be "you and that person" not "you and your caretaker". Don't make it so that they can't leave if they're unhappy but only stay to keep you alive.
It pissed me off to read that Rikki wasn't taking her medication. I mean, throw you sister a bone here. If you're not going to take your meds then leave her out of your mess. Don't call her up in the middle of the night, don't let her foot the bill because you were shopping on impulse BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T ON YOUR MEDS, and stop telling people you're going to kill yourself because you're not in the right frame of mind!
DON'T BE AFRAID OF MEDICATION
On page. 94 Stacy states that her mother can't comment on Rikki's status because that would mean acknowledging her condition before the pills and that Rikki was better off because of them. This is a realization that some people just need actual medication. Our brains won't always think and function the same way from birth to death and trauma can cause some kind of imbalance that wasn't there before. It's sad that someone may need pills to regulate themselves, but if that's what they need to become whole again then that's what they need. Like heart medication or an asthma inhaler, it's just something to make your days easier and healthier.
THE GUILTY TRUTH ABOUT MENTAL ILLNESS
Pg 241. "For so many years, I had wished her out of my life. The religious fanaticism, the drug abuse, the mental illness: She was tortured and she made life so unbearable for all of us who were around her. I know: it wasn't right that I wanted her to succeed in ending her life. But it wasn't that I wanted her to succeed, it's just that I wanted my phone to ring and to have ordinary conversations. I wanted my mother to see me, not as my sister's keeper *wink wink*, but as a woman with my own problems, with my own successes...I wanted, for once, to be free of shame and guilt."
This is where the official review ends, the rest are more discussive peices. Thanks for your time!
Final Notes
I used to believe that parents were almighty individuals who knew everything and their decisions were always the right ones. As you get a little older you foolishly believe that you knew more than them. As you get older still, you realize that you may have been right about some of it. As a 28 year old I'm still trying "figure it all out". However, I have a lot of friends who have children of their own. I think to myself, "What makes them more qualified or 'all-knowing' to be rearing a child? Which is why I enjoy books that show the fragility of parents. Books that show that parents are just older versions of "Us", trying to crawl through the muck of parenthood to the other side.
Did they paramedics take 35 minutes to get there because that's literally the amount of time it takes for them to get there or because it's a Black neighborhood and they took their time? I've never been in an ambulance so I don't know the average time it takes. The way the paramedic says, "Sorry, sweetheart, but your dad's gone. Probably a heart attack." Pg. 91. I don't know the race of the EMT so I can't say for certain it was a race-based remark. It's probably because he's an EMT and he sees this kind of stuff all the time that he can talk so flippantly.
It must be so upsetting to see their father, the patriarch, the cornerstone, disappoint them in so many ways in death with no way to explain himself or to soothe the hurt. To not only find out that he knew about his failing health and heart as well as the affair was too much to handle. He could have lived longer, if not for himself then definitely for his daughters. What about the secretary? Did she gather that information the whole time or when he died and the wife requested it?
How freeing is religion? How binding is it? "I wasn't having no part of religion at that time of my life. Not with all the sex and free alcohol everwhere." Pg. 101. As a college graduate myself I can't argue with Stacy's way of thinking. (Minus the sex part, I wasn't about that life, lol). Even after college I think a lot of young people think that they'll get their sinning out of their system when they're young and hunker down into religion, maybe, when they're older and can't do much anymore. But that's just a fallacy of youth. Does religion free you from sinning because it gives you a pathway into divinity and you don't have to make the hard choices? Or does it coax you into sinning more because of Earth's pleasures of the flesh that can be felt in the now?
"I'll write the truth. Not a bunch of manufactured crap that lulls you to inaction ad pats you on the back even though you haven't done squat." Pg. 102 A brief summary for many members of my generation. We may be "woke", but a lot of us aren't UP. You know when you're being woken up for work or school and the person asks, "Are you up!?" And you go, "I'm awake!" "Yes, but are you UP!?" You can be awake all day but still be lying in that same position, but once you're UP you're about to make something happen. We need to GET. UP.
On pg. 178 you get a good description of Stacy's husband, Eric. Then I read pg. 187 and I was broiling. Super pissed because this dude was giving you SO MANY CHANCES to come work things through out with him. I'm so glad that she managed to keep her husband throughout all of this. I know that Stacy will almost never be the same, but I feel like their marriage will heal for a proper do-over. I also think that since Rikki died Stacy has no real reason to give into her Mother's whims and demands. Her deleting all of those voicemails and turning off her phone was her finally setting some well deserved boundaries.