I Could Chew on This: And Other Poems by Dogs

by Francesco Marciuliano

A New York Times bestseller? Oh, you know the dogs weren't going to let the cats get away with that! This canine companion to I Could Pee on This , the beloved volume of poems by cats, I Could Chew on This will have dog lovers laughing out loud. Doggie laureates not only chew on quite a lot of things, they also reveal their creativity, their hidden motives, and their eternal (and sometimes misguided) effervescence through such musings as "I Dropped a Ball," "I Lose My Mind When You Leave the House," and "Can You Smell That?" Accompanied throughout by portraits of the canine poets in all their magnificence, I Could Chew on This is a work of unbridled enthusiasm, insatiable appetite, and, yes, creative genius.

Genres: Poetry, Humor, Animals, Dogs, Nonfiction, Adult, Comedy

112 pages, Hardcover

First published July 30, 2013

About the author

Francesco Marciuliano...
Pens the comic strips Sally Forth and Medium Large.
Has written for the Onion News Network, Smosh, McSweeney’s, and had a play produced at the New York International Fringe Festival.
Served as head writer for the PBS series SeeMore's Playhouse (for which his script won two regional Emmys).
Was afraid of the color yellow until about age nine.
Tans a little too well to be trusted by security.

Reviews

[karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

HAPPY POETRY MONTH!

april is national poetry month,
so here come thirty floats!
the cynics here will call this plan
a shameless grab for votes.
and maybe there’s some truth to that—
i do love validation,
but charitably consider it
a rhyme-y celebration.
i don’t intend to flood your feed—
i’ll just post one a day.
endure four weeks of reruns
and then it will be may!

**************************

this is the dog companion-book to I Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats

which i have reviewed here

this is roughly the same kind of thing, where dogs finally get a chance to express themselves through poetry, with accompanying photos. i have reprinted a few of my favorites, with my own accompanying photos. by which i mean, i grabbed 'em from les internets.

time to enjoy!!!

DOORBELL

THAT WAS THE DOORBELL!
SOMEONE RANG THE DOORBELL!
SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR!
I CAN HEAR THEM AT THE DOOR!
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHO'S AT THE DOOR!
OH PLEASE LET ME SEE WHO'S AT THE DOOR!
WHY ARE YOU TAKING ME
AWAY FROM THE DOOR?!
WHY AM I BEING PUT IN THIS ROOM
AWAY FROM THE DOOR?!
OH, MAGICAL, MYSTERIOUS PERSON
WHO RINGS OUR DOORBELL!
ONE DAY WE SHALL MEET!



Sympathy

I'm not expecting
Any sympathy
I'm not asking
For any pity
I'm not seeking
Any condolences
I'm not hoping
For any sorrow
But that giant roast
You were going to have for your party
Before I just ate it
Still isn't sitting right in my belly
So maybe I am expecting
A small sense of gratitude
For saving you from this pain.



Another Bag

Love
True, unbridled love
Is looking at what I just did
On the sidewalk
And then picking it up in a bag
I can only imagine as a treasured keepsake
Wow, the collection you must have by now



Wingman

I wag my tail
I tilt my head
I give a little wink
I flash a smile
I show my belly
I give a little lick
I do it all
From sit to speak
To attract women far and near
Then you chime in
With something about "fan fiction"
And I realize we're going to die alone



And Then Our Eyes Lock

And then our eyes lock
And then the world stops
And then I realize
Man, I'm really wrapped around your leg
Man, I'm really going to town
Man, I'm clearly not stopping
So believe me when I say
Our next twenty minutes together
Will be the most awkward of my entire life



Sit

You want me to sit?
You'd like me to sit?
You need me to sit?
You're asking me to sit?
You're saying louder for me to sit?
You're yelling for me to sit?
You're begging for me to sit?
You're pleading for me to sit
You say the word "sit"
Like I have any clue what it means
But I love your enthusiasm
And so I jump up and down with joy
for the both of us




The Naming

GIve me something strong
Give me something powerful
Give me something noble
Give me something memorable
Give me something
To carry through all my years
With back straight and chin held high
But then you ask your three-year-old daughter
"Why don't you name the new puppy?"
And I'm so screwed that I could cry.



Date Night

Every time I watch
Lady and the Tramp
I think
"SHE'S HAVING SOME OF YOUR PASTA!"
"QUICK! EAT IT ALL! EAT IT ALL NOW!!!"
"GROWL! BARE YOUR TEETH! DO SOMETHING!"
"OH, DON'T GIVE HER THE MEATBALL!
THERE'S MEAT IN IT!"
"IDIOT!"
But then again
I'm not the romantic type.




enjoy the book, dog lovers!!!



come to my blog!

[F · Rating 5 out of 5]

loved this
Read again this year :) Still love it

[Florencia · Rating 4 out of 5]

After the awesome book that enlightened me about cats' behavior and intentions, I Could Pee on This: And Other Poems by Cats (that I reviewed here), I had to read this one. I had dogs and cats, and I love them equally. I mean, there are some prejudices about dogs being dumber than cats, supported by media everywhere.



But I don't believe that, really...
Anyway, lovely book of poems. It has four chapters that help you to understand your furry friend, a little bit more. There are some insightful points of view here. They have feelings too, you know. For example, if you're about to give them some food, don't stop to do your stuff, feed them first. You already showed them the can/bag of food. THEY KNOW. Don't make them feel this way:

Dance of Joy

This is the dance I do for you, do for you
This is the dance I do for you
As you get my can of food
This is the twirl I do for you, do for you
This is the twirl I do for you
As you open my can of food
This is the leap I do for you, do for you
This is the eight-foot vertical leap
I do for you
As you stop serving my food to answer
the phone
This is me running in a sheer panic,
wild panic
This is me running in desperate,
gasping, blind panic
As you continue to talk on the phone...



… THIS IS ME LOSING MY [censored] MIND
MY [censored] BRAINS, MY [censored] COOL
THIS IS ME WONDERING WHAT THE [censored]
COULD BE SO [censored] IMPORTANT
THAT YOU’RE STILL ON THE [censored] PHONE
This is me realizing I was howling out loud,
really loud
And that perhaps I overreacted
just a little
And so this is me eating the food
you give to me, always give to me

Touching.

There are little gems all over this book:

Where Are You?!?

I was so worried
I was so scared
I thought that I had lost you
And the life that we both shared
I searched through the entire house
From the basement to the attic
The living, dining, and bedrooms
Even the trash cans, because I was frantic
Up and down the staircase
Back and forth across the halls
In and out through every door
Louder and louder were my calls
I had given up every hope
I had given in to despair
I had given the bad news to the pet cat
Who gave me a look before re-licking her hair
But just when all seemed lost, I found you
And it gave my heart a rush
To see you sitting—startled, but alive and well
So if you don’t mind,
I’ll just stay here until you flush

The desperate sense of loss in this poem is overwhelming. You can only imagine this dog's smile when its owner was found.

I Dropped a Ball

I dropped a ball in your lap
It’s time to play
I just put a ball in your lap
So it’s time to play
See that ball I placed in your lap?
That means it’s time to play
You can have your emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball in your lap
And now it’s time to play

Yes dog, people should know their priorities!

Wingman

I wag my tail
I tilt my head
I give a little wink
I flash my smile
I show my belly
I give a little lick
I do it all
From sit to speak
To attract women far and near
Then you chime in
With something about “fan fiction”
And I realize we’re going to die alone

Lassie

How come
With just a few barks
Everyone can understand
That Lassie is saying
Timmy fell down the well
But with my endless whining and gnawing
You can’t understand
That I am saying
I’d rather the earth swallowed me whole
Than go out in public wearing this raincoat

I loved this book. Happy reading!


Nov 17, 13
* Also on my blog.
** Photo credit: Sign dog and cat via Pinterest
The rest of the photos from I Could Chew on This: And Other Poems by Dogs by Francesco Marciuliano.
*** Other works:
Claw The System: Poems From The Cat Uprising

I Could Pee On This: And Other Poems By Cats

[Montzalee Wittmann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Terrific and fun!

This book has the canine mind and behavior completely! I giggled at many of these. My favorite was "Hello", I still giggle thinking about it! Great book!

[Juli · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm very glad my dogs can't talk or write poetry....as I'm sure they would complain. About the cats. About the food. About me going to work. About who gets to sleep on the bed. About everything. All day. :) Right now as I'm typing this review....the chihuahua is in my office laying on the couch staring at me. She wants to be sitting behind me in my chair, but I said no. She figures the pitiful look will make me change my mind. Our big dog is laying behind me on her bed, wagging her tail -- thump, thump, thump -- because she knows that good girls get a dog biscuit after I post a review to my blog. And the pomchi is under my desk...because she knows the closest dog gets their biscuit first. Needless to say, I read this book with some knowledge of the joys (and despairs) of being a dog owner....or being owned by dogs.

Francesco Marciuliano has written several books about cats -- I Could Pee on This and I Knead My Mummy and others. So of course, the dogs had to have their chance at a poetry collection as well. These books are small -- 4x6 -- but don't let the tiny tome fool you. Each book packs a huge dose of cuteness! The books are attractive....hardback with full color dustjacket. Each poem inside has an accompanying photo. The poems are simple and cute. Don't expect formal poetry...these are just for FUN. Dogs don't know from iambic pentameter or rhyming. They lick their own nether regions -- don't expect sonnets. :) Just have fun!

My favorite from this book:

Food

Food
Food food food
Food food food food
Food food
Food
Who says a dog
Can't write a love sonnet?

I keep these books on my Smile Shelf -- the shelf that holds books that make me smile. My copies of these books live with my favorite children's books, my cartoon collections, books by comedians.....my go-to shelf when I've had a particularly trying day. Sometimes I just need a silly verse about dogs loving to bark and chew on things. :)

Lovely book! Fun and entertaining.

[GoldGato · Rating 4 out of 5]

These 'poems' by doggies had me laughing but also made me very appreciative of the tail-waggers who approach each day as though it's the best day yet. That's what I love about canines, they don't sweat the bigger issues. Better to focus on tattered yellow balls than to worry about mortgage payments.

We were wolves once
Wild and wary
Then we noticed you had sofas.

While I do not currently own live with a dog, I enjoyed the poems in this nifty little collection. From meditations on being un-leashed to ruminations on poorly digested meals, my head was nodding "yes" to each revelation.

Best not to ask
"What is it?"
Until you finish
Rolling in it.

Book Season = Year Round (canine breath)

[Kim Baccellia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a totally adorable collection of poems told from a dog's perspective. The poems are short but have a loaded punch. Also the photos with each poem are just perfect. I couldn't help but smile more than a few times reading such poems as 'Unleashed':

I'm free
I'm free
I'm free
I'm free
I'm free
I'm free
I'm lost.

Just perfect!

[Donald Armfield · Rating 4 out of 5]

BARK! BARK! bark BARK bArK

oh Sorry was leaving a review in dog dialect. This had me laughing and I'm not even a dog lover.

Taken from book: "Special Word"

There's a special word
We dogs have
To express our great pleasure
Upon seeking out favorite person
It's "bark"
but be careful
For "bark"
Also means 742,000 other things
So it's all really about the context.

[Nikki · Rating 1 out of 5]

I really liked the concept of the book but the execution left a lot to be desired. The poems overall were low in quality and probably only took mere moments to put together each one. Another issue I had was while I have had dogs all of my life, I suppose I do not anthropomorphize in the same way the author does. I hold my dogs to higher standards than the author appears to, honestly. (Although my one less intelligent dog did ring more true for the book.) I did, however, laugh a few times and loved the photos of the dogs. There just isn't really much to say about these books, although I would recommend borrowing rather than buying.

[xelsoi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Un poemario tan tonto como bonito. Aunque fiel a su propuesta, se pierde hartas oportunidades y le sobran lugares comunes - aunque, como me señaló Emilia, no hay nada más gringo que un cliché.

[Hester · Rating 5 out of 5]

I must admit, I am a cat person, I understand them better than I do dogs, but at the same time cats are still a bewildering mystery to me. I do have a little dog friend, Bert, whom I adore. So to better understand the mind of a dog and maybe even Bert I had to read this book full of dog written poetry, and I am impressed.

Dogs are deep and complex thinkers but due to their good humor and loyal nature, they at times can come across as simple minded.

While cats can be vengeful and full of spite and they do do "revenge" peeing among other spiteful things, and don't let that hipster douchebag Jackson Galaxy tell you otherwise, dogs are not.

After reading musings on tail wagging, forced breath smelling and boisterous behavior, I've come to the conclusion that my little cat Molly was born with a dog's brain. She exhibits these behaviors and she even makes a barking noise from time to time. So thank you to all of the dogs who participated in the making of this book, I now have a better understanding of Molly and of why she wags her tail so damn much.

[Selina Young · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very sweet collection of poems "written" by insightful dogs. Made me smile.

[Jennifer Brown · Rating 3 out of 5]

Another entertaining book by this author.

[Ina · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars - I wanted to give this three stars, but it made me smile, so I gave it an extra half star

I Dropped a Ball

I dropped a ball in your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball in your lap
So it's time to play
See the ball I placed in your lap?
That means it's time to play
You can have your emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball in your lap
And now it's time to play.

This was such a feel-good short read. It took me less than an hour to get through this short book (closer to thirty minutes, actually), but it left me smiling even after I finished it. I don't usually read poetry (I haven't read any since I graduated high school) and I don't know if this even counts as poetry, but it was a lot of fun and I could see my dog in a lot of the poems.

My favorites also include Nothing Seems to Work, Where Are you?!, DOORBELL! (this one is especially fitting for my dog) and Sit.

Recommended to all dog lovers who are looking for something to brighten up their day.

[Christina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short and sweet, but fun way to start the new reading year. Sure, they were not epic poems, but sometimes life is simple. Most people loved and enjoyed it, read a few reviewers thinking the poems were flat. Those people should get over themselves and have some fun!

[Kim Stokely · Rating 4 out of 5]

Received this on Christmas morning and had the best time reading it out loud. Although some of the poems were serious, and frankly, out of place, most were light-hearted. Many had us rolling with laughter! Fun and imaginative look at life from a dog's point of view.

[Melissa Wehunt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved it! Super fast read, super cute, and the whole time you'll be nudging whoever is near you and telling them about how that's what your dog does too!

[QNPoohBear · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hands-down the funniest thing I've ever read. The dogs have helpfully translated their thoughts and barks into English for their unintelligent humans. They have divided the book into chapters 1)Inside, 2)Outside, 3)By Your Side, 4)Heavy Thinking. At least one of the poems made me REALLY laugh out loud and that doesn't happen very often.

The language is simple enough that it can be read by young readers. Some of the content is more adult but only hinted at so it's appropriate for kids. I'm going to give this one to my parents to keep at the beach house to read as a bedtime story or for guests to pick up and browse. Each poem is accompanied by a stock photo of a cute dog.

Thank you to the dogs that translated LOL!

[nastya ♡ · Rating 3 out of 5]

pretty cute.

[Nathan Albright · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although the previous books [1] that I read from the author dealt with cats and this one deals with dogs, reading a book like this a familiar and enjoyable sort of experience.  Once you read a few books (especially books you happen to like) by an author, there is an ease that one feels because of a familiarity with their style and their approach, and this author is definitely a consistent one in seeking to present animals as much as possible from within their own head through empathy.  It takes a remarkable degree of empathy to create works from the point of view of other beings, and the fact that this author has undertaken this task so often suggests that this is not an unusual or one-off experience for the author but rather a consistent one.  Whether or not this is related to the author's attempts at helping out his writing of comics it whether it springs from an enjoyment of various pets throughout his life and his own attempts to understand and relate to them, I am not sure of, but there is still a great deal to enjoy and appreciate here.

The poems about dogs included here are divided into four chapters:  "Inside," "Outside," "By Your Side," and "Heavy Thinking."  Here too, as one might expect, there is a lot of cute photos of dogs and thoughtful poetry that helps its readers (and no doubt its writer) empathize with dogs and their sometimes quirky behavior.  The poet explores how dogs lose their minds when their owners leave the house, how dogs watch their owners make love, how dogs hoard and what they learn from television.  Other poems explore boredom and the difficulty of opening doors, as well as the lies of happy relations between cat and dogs that make for holiday cards, and how dogs feel when they are unleashed.  There are poems about the way that owners scoop up poop and put them in bags, and how dogs feel sad about being tied up outside of the store, why dogs bite, what dogs are trying to do when they make others sniff their stinky breath.  There are poems about play, about the way dogs think every day is a good day, and about chasing rabbits and cars, as well as the way that dogs think things are in general very good for chewing.

As one might expect from a perusal of the author's previous work, these poems provide a lot of reflective material from the point of view of dogs that can be useful in self-examination of oneself from the point of view of outsiders.  To what extent do people learn from us as a result of our culture?  What is the lasting result of trauma, whether one is dealing with being fixed as is the case of a dog, or whether one is dealing with the sort of trauma that human beings often inflict on each other as a result of violence?  How much are human beings, like dogs, creatures of amusing habits?  A dog may eat the exact same dinner for eight years, but many of us have eating habits that are hardly less regular ourselves.  I know that, for example, to be the case with me.  As is true in the best of poems of this kind, these poems can be enjoyed on multiple levels, as one can laugh at the oddity of dogs, but at the same time reflect on our own strangeness and what can make us subjects of humor or puzzlement for other people and even other beings.

[1] See, for example:

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2018...

https://edgeinducedcohesion.blog/2018...

[J · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book caught my attention since who wouldn't mind to hear poetry from the mind of a puppy-dog since we don't seem to credit them with so much besides slavish obedience and unlimited love that looks past our worst selves. Furthermore if we aren't catering to those particular thoughts than we are giving them very little credit with the terrible language that so many find worthwhile to give animals in the modern day memes.

Fortunately for dog-lovers this is one book that you will enjoy and want to keep close to you for showing off. Our canine children have been given a true blessing by the author in recognizing and talking in real talk instead of the garbled mess while also being given a chance to openly express themselves with more than a wag of their little tails or in the case of tailless breeds their whole back side.

In my experience it was better to read the book aloud, especially as there was no one around. The voice of the dog came naturally to me as I read and more so as I tried to add a bit of movement or change the volume of my voice to reflect the writing. There is truly no pleasure in being able to give dogs even more of a voice as you read what may be considered their thoughts since they are so varied and different in their approaches to life just like humans.

There were photographs that were included of various different dogs relating to the poem that they were opposite of. And it helped for the reader to be able to match the dog with not only the poem but also the tone that was meant to be read.

Truly a doggy gem to be cherished and enjoyed although I am sure your pet pooch may roll his or her eyes while taking the time to either bring over their favorite toy to play or collapse on you in a bid for love.

[Megan Green · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this as part of my library's summer reading challenge and I'm glad I did because I wouldn't ordinarily pick up a book of poetry. But this book was cute, funny, and heartwarming and I'm glad I read it!

[Amelia · Rating 4 out of 5]

A real gem, clearly written by someone who knows animals inside out and has a good technical grasp of poetry writing to boot. Absolutely hilarious - I must try and find the cat verrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggfsdssffffffffQewwwwwa <---- Annie's contribution - she's got mad keyboard skillz.

[Julia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm a HUGE dog lover and picked this book because of the cover, and I'm so very glad I did! Even though it was a quick read, I though it was fun and heartwarming. Every single dog I've ever had, or known through other family members and friends was in this book. I would definitely recommend this book to anyone who loves dogs.

[Ritna · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5
Debo aceptar que luego de su lectura, que es bastante rápida la verdad, me dejó reflexionando bastante respecto a los perros y a su posible cosmovisión respecto a todo lo que hacemos, cosas tan simples como hacer el amor, salir de la casa, etc.
Encontré bonito poder tener una lectura desde el punto de vista de un perro, es interesante, divertido y disperso.

[Liliya · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Naming
Give me something strong
Give me something powerful
Give me something noble
Give me something memorable
Give me something
To carry through all my years
With back straight and chin held high
But then you ask your three-year-old daughter
“Why don’t you name the new puppy?”
And I’m so screwed that I could cry

[Joy Gerbode · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book of poems written by dogs ... absolutely hilarious. A quick and easy read, and something to lift your spirits when you are down. And if you own dogs, you'll recognize all of these characteristics. Very fun read.

[Tracey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious book of poetry from the dog's perspective, written by the same guy who wrote I Could Pee on This : And Other Poems by Cats. Read 'em both and weep...with laughter.

[Antonella · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fun poetry book for dog lovers.

[Nina Pantelic · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have a dog you will love this. The poems are spot on.