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Crucial Confrontations: Tools for Talking About Broken Promises, Violated Expectations, and Bad Behavior
The authors of the New York Times bestseller Crucial Conversations show you how to achieve personal, team, and organizational success by healing broken promises, resolving violated expectations, and influencing good behavior.
Behind the problems that routinely plague organizations and families, you'll find individuals who are either unwilling or unable to deal with failed promises. Others have broken rules, missed deadlines, failed to live up to commitments, or just plain behaved badly—and nobody steps up to the issue. Or they do, but do a lousy job and create a whole new set of problems. Accountability suffers and new problems spring up. New research demonstrates that these disappointments aren't just irritating, they're costly—sapping organizational performance by twenty to fifty percent and accounting for up to ninety percent of divorces.
Crucial Confrontations teaches skills drawn from 10,000 hours of real-life observations to increase confidence in facing issues like:
- An employee speaks to you in an insulting tone that crosses the line between sarcasm and insubordination. Now what?
- Your boss just committed you to a deadline you know you can't meet—and not-so-subtly hinted he doesn't want to hear complaints about it.
- Your son walks through the door sporting colorful new body art that raises your blood pressure by forty points. Speak now, pay later.
- An accountant wonders how to step up to a client who is violating the law. Can you spell unemployment?
- Family members fret over how to tell granddad that he should no longer drive his car. This is going to get ugly.
- A nurse worries about what to say to an abusive physician. She quickly remembers "how things work around here" and decides not to say anything.
Everyone knows how to run for cover, or if adequately provoked, step up to these confrontations in a way that causes a real ruckus. That we have down pat. Crucial Confrontations teaches you how to deal with violated expectations in a way that solves the problem at hand, and doesn't harm the relationship—and in fact, even strengthens it.
Crucial Confrontations borrows from twenty years of research involving two groups. More than 25,000 people helped the authors identify those who were most influential during crucial confrontations. They spent 10,000 hours watching these people, documented what they saw, and then trained and tested with more than 300,000 people. Second, they measured the impact of crucial confrontations improvements on organizational and team performance—the results were immediate and sustainable: twenty to fifty percent improvements in measurable performance.
Behind the problems that routinely plague organizations and families, you'll find individuals who are either unwilling or unable to deal with failed promises. Others have broken rules, missed deadlines, failed to live up to commitments, or just plain behaved badly—and nobody steps up to the issue. Or they do, but do a lousy job and create a whole new set of problems. Accountability suffers and new problems spring up. New research demonstrates that these disappointments aren't just irritating, they're costly—sapping organizational performance by twenty to fifty percent and accounting for up to ninety percent of divorces.
Crucial Confrontations teaches skills drawn from 10,000 hours of real-life observations to increase confidence in facing issues like:
- An employee speaks to you in an insulting tone that crosses the line between sarcasm and insubordination. Now what?
- Your boss just committed you to a deadline you know you can't meet—and not-so-subtly hinted he doesn't want to hear complaints about it.
- Your son walks through the door sporting colorful new body art that raises your blood pressure by forty points. Speak now, pay later.
- An accountant wonders how to step up to a client who is violating the law. Can you spell unemployment?
- Family members fret over how to tell granddad that he should no longer drive his car. This is going to get ugly.
- A nurse worries about what to say to an abusive physician. She quickly remembers "how things work around here" and decides not to say anything.
Everyone knows how to run for cover, or if adequately provoked, step up to these confrontations in a way that causes a real ruckus. That we have down pat. Crucial Confrontations teaches you how to deal with violated expectations in a way that solves the problem at hand, and doesn't harm the relationship—and in fact, even strengthens it.
Crucial Confrontations borrows from twenty years of research involving two groups. More than 25,000 people helped the authors identify those who were most influential during crucial confrontations. They spent 10,000 hours watching these people, documented what they saw, and then trained and tested with more than 300,000 people. Second, they measured the impact of crucial confrontations improvements on organizational and team performance—the results were immediate and sustainable: twenty to fifty percent improvements in measurable performance.
280 pages, Paperback
First published August 26, 2004
1571 people are currently reading
14910 people want to read
About the author
Kerry Patterson
58 books376 followersKerry is a prolific writer who has coauthored numerous articles and award-winning training programs. Kerry taught at Brigham Young University’s Marriott School of Management and then cofounded Interact Performance Systems, where he worked for ten years as vice president of research and development. Kerry is coauthor of the New York Times bestsellers Change Anything, Crucial Conversations, Crucial Confrontations, and Influencer. Kerry has completed doctoral work at Stanford University. He is a recipient of the Mentor of the Year Award and the 2004 William G. Dyer Distinguished Alumni Award from Brigham Young University.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 453 reviews
April 7, 2023
How I came to reading this book was by attending a book discussion group this past fall that unanimously decided to read the first installment in the Crucial Skills series, Crucial Conversations. The group’s format is every member reads one chapter each week and then comes to the meeting to discuss the assigned reading, leaving the floor open for anyone to speak about something that stood out to them, or how that chapter pertained to anything they were experiencing. This structure really helped maximize what I got from this vademecum because the group meetings also allowed us to practice the methods taught in each chapter and prove their applicability. I took some useful communication techniques with me from this reading and discussion endeavor and gave it a solid 4-star Goodreads rating.
Then, after we concluded the final chapter of Crucial Conversations, the discussion turned to what book did the group want to read next. The loudest suggestion was to read the next installment in the Crucial Skills series, Crucial Accountability.
Initially, my thought going in was this book is just an opportunity to capitalize on something genuinely good that would only rehash the same old material for the sake of selling however millions of more copies. Feeling a sense of obligation to the group I decided to continue participating, even though I suspected this book was not going to offer anything new. I went in a little salty with the intention of finding any faults, my critical eye searching to find something wrong in each chapter, and as suspected, it did reuse the same concepts.
Howeverrrrrrrrrrrrrr… The presentation of these same strategies being executed specifically in conversations about accountability exhibited another layer of their usefulness.
Who’d a thunk by telling people exactly what you want could instantly solve long-standing disappointments? Sounds obvious when stated this succinctly, but this is another one of those simple solutions that I myself have repeatedly overlooked. Expressing what we would like or not like to happen is not the same as being a demanding tyrant. Being clear about your expectations and then intentionally following up with a conversation about what went well and what fell short of those objectives is an effective way to have our needs met.
“Excuse me mate, there is something I would really like to discuss with you, so when is a good time for you to be available to do that?”
“What!? Who are you and wh-wha-what are you doing in my house? What the, no, just get, just GET OUT!!!”
“Obviously now is not the best time for you. When do you think you might want to meet and talk?”
“HONEY!!! There’s some crazy muthafucka in our house, I think he’s high, call the cops NOW!”
“Yeah, but…”
Yet, not every conversation will go as perfectly as planned, but you also won’t get any results unless you at least try to engage. This duology from the Crucial Skills series equips the reader with the tools to navigate through uncomfortable conversations in a constructive and positive way. I will not rate this as high as Crucial Conversations because it did not have the same eye-opening ah-ha effect, but it was worth my time to read because it increased my confidence to engage in conversations about accountability. What Crucial Conversations gave me and the people in the book discussion group (all of whom I also live with) was a shared language that we are using to help work through our problems and the frustrations that come with living in a congested community. Crucial Accountability has now given us additional tools to support us in holding each other accountable.
Then, after we concluded the final chapter of Crucial Conversations, the discussion turned to what book did the group want to read next. The loudest suggestion was to read the next installment in the Crucial Skills series, Crucial Accountability.
Initially, my thought going in was this book is just an opportunity to capitalize on something genuinely good that would only rehash the same old material for the sake of selling however millions of more copies. Feeling a sense of obligation to the group I decided to continue participating, even though I suspected this book was not going to offer anything new. I went in a little salty with the intention of finding any faults, my critical eye searching to find something wrong in each chapter, and as suspected, it did reuse the same concepts.
Howeverrrrrrrrrrrrrr… The presentation of these same strategies being executed specifically in conversations about accountability exhibited another layer of their usefulness.
Who’d a thunk by telling people exactly what you want could instantly solve long-standing disappointments? Sounds obvious when stated this succinctly, but this is another one of those simple solutions that I myself have repeatedly overlooked. Expressing what we would like or not like to happen is not the same as being a demanding tyrant. Being clear about your expectations and then intentionally following up with a conversation about what went well and what fell short of those objectives is an effective way to have our needs met.
“Excuse me mate, there is something I would really like to discuss with you, so when is a good time for you to be available to do that?”
“What!? Who are you and wh-wha-what are you doing in my house? What the, no, just get, just GET OUT!!!”
“Obviously now is not the best time for you. When do you think you might want to meet and talk?”
“HONEY!!! There’s some crazy muthafucka in our house, I think he’s high, call the cops NOW!”
“Yeah, but…”
Yet, not every conversation will go as perfectly as planned, but you also won’t get any results unless you at least try to engage. This duology from the Crucial Skills series equips the reader with the tools to navigate through uncomfortable conversations in a constructive and positive way. I will not rate this as high as Crucial Conversations because it did not have the same eye-opening ah-ha effect, but it was worth my time to read because it increased my confidence to engage in conversations about accountability. What Crucial Conversations gave me and the people in the book discussion group (all of whom I also live with) was a shared language that we are using to help work through our problems and the frustrations that come with living in a congested community. Crucial Accountability has now given us additional tools to support us in holding each other accountable.
July 26, 2019
The business communication ideas in this book are sound. However, there are two example stories in this book that should banish it back to the 1950s. In one, the author uses the term “hussy” to describe a woman - clearly unacceptable in 2019, particularly in a business setting. In the other example, a husband tries to coerce his wife into an intimate encounter when she clearly says no. This is not a communication issue for the business environment. It perpetuates patriarchal stereotypes - clearly unacceptable for the business world. Perhaps the author could take a moment to review the audience for the book. These outdated ideas about women have no place in the current business climate. I gave it two stars for the excellent ideas it offers, but they are lost in the misogyny.
October 11, 2010
I'm not much of a confrontational person because I lose control when emotions and stakes are high. But after reading this book, I really do feel like I could talk to anyone about anything, if I had the time to plan for it. It takes preparation to make a crucial confrontation go well.
What I liked from the book is how the authors encourage you to have your crucial confrontations. So often we shy out of them and endure the unpleasant consequences. It's almost always worth it to have them. Another main point I really liked is how they tell you to get your story straight. We so often assign horrible character traits to someone causing us grief. Instead, we need to ask ourselves, 'Why would a rational, intelligent person act this way?' And examine if we are part of the problem. Those are only a few of the great steps to having a successful conversation.
What I liked from the book is how the authors encourage you to have your crucial confrontations. So often we shy out of them and endure the unpleasant consequences. It's almost always worth it to have them. Another main point I really liked is how they tell you to get your story straight. We so often assign horrible character traits to someone causing us grief. Instead, we need to ask ourselves, 'Why would a rational, intelligent person act this way?' And examine if we are part of the problem. Those are only a few of the great steps to having a successful conversation.
May 28, 2012
If you want to really help people excel in life - this is a must have book on communication. It really deals with so much more than communication and confrontation. The chapter on motivation has given me so much more understanding on how people are motivated and it gave me some really great tools to help others and myself get unstuck.
I also loved this quote on safety "At the foundation of every successful confrontation lies safety. When others feel frightened or nervous or otherwise unsafe, you can't talk about anything. But if you can create safety, you can talk with almost anyone about almost anything - even about failed promises."
I also loved this quote on safety "At the foundation of every successful confrontation lies safety. When others feel frightened or nervous or otherwise unsafe, you can't talk about anything. But if you can create safety, you can talk with almost anyone about almost anything - even about failed promises."
April 11, 2011
A very interesting and helpful resource in dealing with those uncomfortable situations that often waste time and leave with hurt feelings. However, it was quite a convoluted way to explain common sense, especially since there was too often little in exact details to handling a situation. To put it simply, imagine reading a book on how to change the oil in a car. If this author wrote that book, you would know all the signs leading up to changing the oil, but none on exactly how to do it. Still, this book does provide helpful information, and the additional activities with the website truly gives you all the tools in seeing the signs of a crucial confrontation, analyzing those signs, and ultimately coming up with your own solution.
November 3, 2019
This book is essentially about the art of confronting other individuals in as safe a way as possible which allows individuals to articulate some of their challenging thoughts and messages they often want to convey to other colleagues or family members but are unable to do so for a variety of reasons. Not be up able to have these conversations can have hugely deleterious effects on any organisation or even a household as well where people don’t have the ability to speak truth to power or to articulate what it is that is gnawing away deep deep inside of their minds. This was a follow on from another book called crucial conversations. I highly recommend both of these books; and here are my favourite bits from the book:
•In the best companies people will hold a crucial confrontation face-to-face and in the moment.This of course takes skill.
•We can’t go in determined to fix everyone else and expect to get the results we are really after, we can only really ever change ourselves.
•Perhaps the largest mistake we are making is exaggerating the cost of confronting an issue, This stems from the erroneous belief that the existing world always punishes people who are naive enough to speak their minds.
•Effective problem solvers observe an infraction and then tell themselves a more complete and accurate story. Instead of asking what’s the matter with that person? They ask why would a reasonable rational and decent person do things like that? In asking this humanising question the individual is able to routinely master crucial confrontations and adapt to any situation. Instead of arguing the others are misbehaving only because of personal characteristics influence conversation Masters look to the environment and ask what other sources of influence are acting on this person? What is causing this person to do that?.
•Admitting that problem might stem from several different causes changes our whole approach. We aren't certain, we aren’t smug, we aren't angry and we slowdown, we're curious instead of being boiling mad. We feel the need to gather in all data rather Then charge in guns all blazing. We moved from Judge jury and executioner to curious participant.
•When others know that you value them as a person and care about their interests they will give you an amazing amount of leeway. They will let you say almost anything. That’s why your four-year-old granddaughter can tell you that you are fat without offending you. You know that she loves and respects you and that her motives are pure. This after all is an innocent child. However if what you say or how you say it causes others to conclude that you do not respect him or that you have selfish and perverse motives nothing you say will work.
•First imagine what others might Mistakenly conclude. Second immediately explain that this is what you DO NOT not mean. Third as a contrasting point explain what you do Very clearly mean. The important part is the do not portion of the statement. Explaining about you do not mean early in the conversation when giving them feedback.
•Here are some of the factors that Ricky considers as he contemplates the reason why he thinks his wife is always staying out late with work and what some of the logical arguments may be for her to be doing that and why she may not just simply be having an affair. Number one Ricky knows that Eleanor has a strong desire to succeed she is climbing the ladder at work and is willing to pay the price. Number two she may be avoiding talking to Ricky because she worries about having an ugly confrontation with him. Number three he is clearly contributing. He has taken to making sarcastic comments about the time she spends with her boss he has been much less affectionate lately. Of course she finds less joy in being around him. Number four Eleanor has seemed especially anxious about their expenses that could be showing up in her acceptance of more overtime. And the five they work schedules are keeping them from spending much time together which can’t be helping. As Ricky explores other explanations something profound happens to him he calms down. Of course he is careful to not let this line of reasoning talk him into blaming himself. His goal is simply to balance the lying cheating wife story with other possibilities. He wants to be able to enter the conversation without adrenaline rushing through his veins turning him into a argumentative monster. The effect of this is significant. The new story creates a sense of curiosity and compassion. He begins to hold his suspicions more tentatively. He still wants to talk but is less inclined to become emotional and leap in with that accusation.
•In the best companies people will hold a crucial confrontation face-to-face and in the moment.This of course takes skill.
•We can’t go in determined to fix everyone else and expect to get the results we are really after, we can only really ever change ourselves.
•Perhaps the largest mistake we are making is exaggerating the cost of confronting an issue, This stems from the erroneous belief that the existing world always punishes people who are naive enough to speak their minds.
•Effective problem solvers observe an infraction and then tell themselves a more complete and accurate story. Instead of asking what’s the matter with that person? They ask why would a reasonable rational and decent person do things like that? In asking this humanising question the individual is able to routinely master crucial confrontations and adapt to any situation. Instead of arguing the others are misbehaving only because of personal characteristics influence conversation Masters look to the environment and ask what other sources of influence are acting on this person? What is causing this person to do that?.
•Admitting that problem might stem from several different causes changes our whole approach. We aren't certain, we aren’t smug, we aren't angry and we slowdown, we're curious instead of being boiling mad. We feel the need to gather in all data rather Then charge in guns all blazing. We moved from Judge jury and executioner to curious participant.
•When others know that you value them as a person and care about their interests they will give you an amazing amount of leeway. They will let you say almost anything. That’s why your four-year-old granddaughter can tell you that you are fat without offending you. You know that she loves and respects you and that her motives are pure. This after all is an innocent child. However if what you say or how you say it causes others to conclude that you do not respect him or that you have selfish and perverse motives nothing you say will work.
•First imagine what others might Mistakenly conclude. Second immediately explain that this is what you DO NOT not mean. Third as a contrasting point explain what you do Very clearly mean. The important part is the do not portion of the statement. Explaining about you do not mean early in the conversation when giving them feedback.
•Here are some of the factors that Ricky considers as he contemplates the reason why he thinks his wife is always staying out late with work and what some of the logical arguments may be for her to be doing that and why she may not just simply be having an affair. Number one Ricky knows that Eleanor has a strong desire to succeed she is climbing the ladder at work and is willing to pay the price. Number two she may be avoiding talking to Ricky because she worries about having an ugly confrontation with him. Number three he is clearly contributing. He has taken to making sarcastic comments about the time she spends with her boss he has been much less affectionate lately. Of course she finds less joy in being around him. Number four Eleanor has seemed especially anxious about their expenses that could be showing up in her acceptance of more overtime. And the five they work schedules are keeping them from spending much time together which can’t be helping. As Ricky explores other explanations something profound happens to him he calms down. Of course he is careful to not let this line of reasoning talk him into blaming himself. His goal is simply to balance the lying cheating wife story with other possibilities. He wants to be able to enter the conversation without adrenaline rushing through his veins turning him into a argumentative monster. The effect of this is significant. The new story creates a sense of curiosity and compassion. He begins to hold his suspicions more tentatively. He still wants to talk but is less inclined to become emotional and leap in with that accusation.
August 25, 2022
Clear-cut and well-organised, but how applicable?
This is an often-recommended book: it has everyday scenarios, clear acronyms and a cohesive structure.
As I’m the sort of person who grimly goes alea iacta est into confrontations, the book presents numerous new elegant options. They are all applicable, accessible to all and obviously better alternatives to "throw it out there and outrun the others until they run out of steam and they are willing to listen".
So far, the only issue I have found is that it didn't cram in enough examples to allow the reader to practice the mechanism on, only enough to exemplify it. Practice irl, it is.
This is an often-recommended book: it has everyday scenarios, clear acronyms and a cohesive structure.
As I’m the sort of person who grimly goes alea iacta est into confrontations, the book presents numerous new elegant options. They are all applicable, accessible to all and obviously better alternatives to "throw it out there and outrun the others until they run out of steam and they are willing to listen".
So far, the only issue I have found is that it didn't cram in enough examples to allow the reader to practice the mechanism on, only enough to exemplify it. Practice irl, it is.
July 7, 2012
It's been a little while since I read Crucial Conversations, so maybe I'm forgetting things, but it seems to me like this book is more or less more of the same. In that sense, it's good stuff. But if you're looking for something exciting and new that gives you valuable information on top of what you already learned from Crucial Conversations, well, not so much. I'd treat it more as an appendix to the original as opposed to a new volume. I'd give it four stars for the content, but only three since I think it would have been better to just add this material into a new and expanded version of Crucial Conversations.
February 15, 2019
Crucial Accountability
“If something comes up, let me know right away.” Then decide together.
THE BIG IDEAS FROM EACH STEP:
Choose What and If
• What - Ask yourself what you really want. You can talk about the content, the pattern, or the relationship. To stay focused, ask what you really want.
• If - Are you talking yourself out of an accountability discussion? Don’t let fear substitute for reason. Think carefully not just about the risks of having the conversation but also about the risks of not having it.
Master my stories
Instead of assuming the worst and then acting in ways that confirm your story, stop and tell the rest of the story. Ask: “why would a reasonable person not do what he or she promised?“ “What role might I have played?“ When you see the other person as a human being rather than a villain, you’re ready to begin.
Describe the gap
Make it safe by starting with the facts and describing the gap between what was expected and what was observed. Tentatively share your story or only after you’ve shared your fax. And with a question to help diagnose.
Make it motivating and easy
After you’ve paused to diagnose, listen for motivation and ability. Remember you rarely need power. In fact, power puts you at risk. Instead, make it motivating and make it easy. To do that, explore the six sources of influence. Remember to consider the social and structural sources of influence.
Agree on a plan and follow up.
Remember who does what by win and then follow what this idea is simple and services it’s own reminder. Then asked to make sure you’re not leaving out any details or missing any possible barriers.
Stay focused and flexible
As other issues come up, don’t meander; consciously choose whether to change the conversation to the new issue. Waive the new infraction. If it’s more serious or time sensitive, deal with it. If it is not, don’t get sidetracked.
“If something comes up, let me know right away.” Then decide together.
THE BIG IDEAS FROM EACH STEP:
Choose What and If
• What - Ask yourself what you really want. You can talk about the content, the pattern, or the relationship. To stay focused, ask what you really want.
• If - Are you talking yourself out of an accountability discussion? Don’t let fear substitute for reason. Think carefully not just about the risks of having the conversation but also about the risks of not having it.
Master my stories
Instead of assuming the worst and then acting in ways that confirm your story, stop and tell the rest of the story. Ask: “why would a reasonable person not do what he or she promised?“ “What role might I have played?“ When you see the other person as a human being rather than a villain, you’re ready to begin.
Describe the gap
Make it safe by starting with the facts and describing the gap between what was expected and what was observed. Tentatively share your story or only after you’ve shared your fax. And with a question to help diagnose.
Make it motivating and easy
After you’ve paused to diagnose, listen for motivation and ability. Remember you rarely need power. In fact, power puts you at risk. Instead, make it motivating and make it easy. To do that, explore the six sources of influence. Remember to consider the social and structural sources of influence.
Agree on a plan and follow up.
Remember who does what by win and then follow what this idea is simple and services it’s own reminder. Then asked to make sure you’re not leaving out any details or missing any possible barriers.
Stay focused and flexible
As other issues come up, don’t meander; consciously choose whether to change the conversation to the new issue. Waive the new infraction. If it’s more serious or time sensitive, deal with it. If it is not, don’t get sidetracked.
March 12, 2016
This is an interesting book with many great suggestions for handling confrontations. The suggestions are well thought out and make a lot of sense. However, for me, they process of preparing and handling personal confrontations is to detailed and lengthy that by the time I get through the process, the person I am involved with will have died of old age. In real life situations where confrontations come up so quickly, are so involved and complicated, the intense evaluation of the situation is subject to error. The real questions may not be discovered until too late in the process. I wonder how effective this intense on-the-spot evaluation process will actually work in real time for me. I do intend to at least try the process.
June 3, 2024
It’s a fact of life that we all have to work with someone at some point and it’s not always the easiest thing to do. From working within your family unit, to cooperative efforts in school, or the individuals who make up the work place, each individual has his own idea how certain things should work. Naturally, when multiple ideas and personalities come into play, things may not be done in the most efficient manner and cause problems that need to be discussed. The issue, most individuals would rather avoid such conversations, but accountability is an important aspect of life. The authors in this book discuss the fact that accountability, and the hesitation or reluctance to confront another individual about his accountability, is a very human thing. In that way, the authors describe a process that makes all parties involved feel human. Each party feels heard and understood, and ideally, if both sides stick to their shard agreements, trust and respect are restored, both parties take accountability in their actions, and the situations in day to day life can become a more positive experience.
August 17, 2017
Subtitled “Tools for Resolving Violated Expectations, Broken Commitments, and Bad Behavior,” this book is the updated version of “Crucial Conversations.” The authors are the leaders of Vitalsmarts, an innovator in best-practices training products and services.
After describing exactly what “crucial accountability” is, the authors start in Part One by having the reader look in the mirror, determining what should be addressed personally before any discussion takes place. Choosing “what” and “if” focuses on what conversation should take place, if any. They encourage you to “master your story,” being sure that your mind is in the right place before you say a word. In other words don’t assume you know what caused anyone to act the way they did! You’re probably wrong!
Part Two focuses on “creating safety,” providing practical advice on how to start an accountability discussion, creating motivation for change, encouraging commitment and staying focused while being flexible in the face of the inevitable “curve balls” that often occur.
Part Three, “Move to Action,” speaks to agreeing to a specific plan, following up, dealing with complicated problems, as well as a great chapter on what they call the “Yeah-Buts” (”I already tried that, and it didn’t work!”).
This extremely practical book closes with a self-assessment for the readers to measure their skills in holding an accountability discussion, as well as presenting diagnostic questions for the author’s “Six Source Model” to assist in understanding why people do what they do (back to Master the Story). The six sources they suggest are 1) Self, Motivate (Pain and Pleasure), 2) Self, Enable (Strengths and Weaknesses), 3)Others, Motivate (Praise and Pressure), 4)Others, Enable (Helps and Hindrances). 5)Things, Motivate (Carrots and Sticks) and 6)Things, Enable (Bridges and Barriers).
The appendix closes with advice on actions to take “When Things Go Right” as well as providing a collection of discussion questions for reading groups.
An exceptional resource for anyone who needs to “have that talk,” whether at home or in the workplace!
After describing exactly what “crucial accountability” is, the authors start in Part One by having the reader look in the mirror, determining what should be addressed personally before any discussion takes place. Choosing “what” and “if” focuses on what conversation should take place, if any. They encourage you to “master your story,” being sure that your mind is in the right place before you say a word. In other words don’t assume you know what caused anyone to act the way they did! You’re probably wrong!
Part Two focuses on “creating safety,” providing practical advice on how to start an accountability discussion, creating motivation for change, encouraging commitment and staying focused while being flexible in the face of the inevitable “curve balls” that often occur.
Part Three, “Move to Action,” speaks to agreeing to a specific plan, following up, dealing with complicated problems, as well as a great chapter on what they call the “Yeah-Buts” (”I already tried that, and it didn’t work!”).
This extremely practical book closes with a self-assessment for the readers to measure their skills in holding an accountability discussion, as well as presenting diagnostic questions for the author’s “Six Source Model” to assist in understanding why people do what they do (back to Master the Story). The six sources they suggest are 1) Self, Motivate (Pain and Pleasure), 2) Self, Enable (Strengths and Weaknesses), 3)Others, Motivate (Praise and Pressure), 4)Others, Enable (Helps and Hindrances). 5)Things, Motivate (Carrots and Sticks) and 6)Things, Enable (Bridges and Barriers).
The appendix closes with advice on actions to take “When Things Go Right” as well as providing a collection of discussion questions for reading groups.
An exceptional resource for anyone who needs to “have that talk,” whether at home or in the workplace!
July 25, 2015
It is a helpful resource for dealing with uncomfortable situations. I have already experienced success in its application. The principles it uses to guide accountability conversations are wholistic and well grounded, rather than a set of gimmicks or tricks to get people to bend to the desired outcome. The process leads to a win-win situation with both parties becoming better people.
January 10, 2020
The principles in this book are dynamite, but they are mostly a rehashing and reapplication from the original "Crucial Conversations," which I highly recommend. I would give this more stars if I hadn't read CC. Still, some of the newer material in this book might make its way into my Organizational Behavior course.
October 13, 2019
Perhaps there are some great ideas there but the book as a whole is poorly written. Unorganized.
May 10, 2019
This book as well as Crucial Conversations are two of my favorite business books. If tough conversations are a challenge, either at work or in your personal life, these are a great resource.
July 1, 2024
A short and useful book on why it's crucial to have difficult conversations to address issues with others and not let them fester. In the vein of Patterson and Grenny's previous book (also coauthored by Stephen Covey) Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, and Tavris and Aronson's excellent Mistakes Were Made, but Not by Me: Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts), the crux of this book is that you need to determine what the main issue is when something upsets you, and go into a difficult conversation with as open a mind as possible and a curiosity to learn the other person's motives (rather than just assume they're bad).
My statistics:
Book 139 for 2024
Book 1740 cumulatively
My statistics:
Book 139 for 2024
Book 1740 cumulatively
April 29, 2021
I've enjoyed crucial conversations in the past (twice) and will be reading this one again at some point in the near future. Topics and stories were well organized.
One thing I would find helpful after reading this book is to immediately begin to look for situations, triggers, words and actions that others may do that may initiate a crucial conversation. In a work place, and if possible, one way to avoid crucial conversations is with transparency. If you have trust with your team and managers, and are open about what you are working on and why, this often saves the challenge of having one. However, with this book, you should be more comfortable in having it.
One thing I would find helpful after reading this book is to immediately begin to look for situations, triggers, words and actions that others may do that may initiate a crucial conversation. In a work place, and if possible, one way to avoid crucial conversations is with transparency. If you have trust with your team and managers, and are open about what you are working on and why, this often saves the challenge of having one. However, with this book, you should be more comfortable in having it.
June 6, 2024
4.5 rounding up to 5. I picked up this book by accident. I thought i was getting crucial conversations and was confused when they referred to it.
But it was timely and the first chapter gave insight into an issue in my life that i could apply right away
I’m pretty good at these conversations. I think I naturally follow these steps. Most of the time. Which means some of the time my conversations don’t go well and having this broken down really helped me see why things derail sometimes and how to fix it.
I do think following these steps a person could talk about anything to anyone. If communication is difficult in your life this is a great book.
But it was timely and the first chapter gave insight into an issue in my life that i could apply right away
I’m pretty good at these conversations. I think I naturally follow these steps. Most of the time. Which means some of the time my conversations don’t go well and having this broken down really helped me see why things derail sometimes and how to fix it.
I do think following these steps a person could talk about anything to anyone. If communication is difficult in your life this is a great book.
March 24, 2023
Okay confession I almost finished the book but probs won’t. This book is useful if you’re in a highly competitive secular work environment where people’s virtue is questionable. In missionary work a little less applicable on the super extreme examples they give with disrespect. I also thought some of the examples were ridiculous so I didn’t love that. Did learn some good techniques on how to have accountability convos. I have to say business books not my top choice for reading.
October 25, 2024
This book is another Vital Smarts installment that focuses on applying behavioral science to interpersonal relationships. The book uses the same framework as other books by the same authors (Crucial Conversations, The Influencer) that they refer to as the Six Sources of Influence.
Crucial Accountability provides a practical guide to holding others accountable. Unlike many self-help books, it is packed full of valuable insights. I found myself preferring to take it in small bites to give myself time to ruminate on the content.
Crucial Accountability provides a practical guide to holding others accountable. Unlike many self-help books, it is packed full of valuable insights. I found myself preferring to take it in small bites to give myself time to ruminate on the content.
December 28, 2018
I didn't know how much I needed this book until I read it for one of my classes. As someone who has had hard time confronting people all her life, this was a precious little tool to learn those little techniques that could be used to have a proper 'accountability conversation' with someone you need to confront.
April 5, 2020
Tangible tips that every leader should know. I look forward to using this every single day in my job. The answers to dealing with difficult bosses, employees who fall short on promises... it’s all here
December 19, 2022
The techniques and structures used remind me a lot of non violent communication; a big difference with NVC is that is going into a very specific focus on accountability. A great read, more of a manual, for anyone especially in a leadership role.
August 6, 2023
I really liked this book. I got it for work - hoping to improve difficult conversations. I picked up a lot - there's a lot of highlighting and thoughts. I would have to stop and ponder while reading it. However, it's a bit of a slow starter. The first three chapters kept talking about the importance of having these conversations. And I knew that. That's why I got the book.
The book was good. It gave great examples and helped me. It can be used for many different situations. I will have to reread it and keep working on those conversations.
The book was good. It gave great examples and helped me. It can be used for many different situations. I will have to reread it and keep working on those conversations.
November 12, 2023
Rounding this one up to 4 stars out of respect for Crucial Conversations, which I loved. This one was more of the same, but also not as strong. The ratio of actionable advice to filler didn’t quite meet the bar for me.
January 19, 2025
Trong quá trình đối thoại, người có nội tâm yếu đuối giống như những đứa trẻ mới lớn tiếng kêu gọi sự “Công Bằng”. Còn một người trưởng thành có nội tâm mạnh mẽ sẽ không theo đuổi sự “công bằng” trong quá trình đối thoại mà sẽ nghĩ cách làm sao để có thể giải quyết được vấn đề, làm thế nào để tốt hơn cho cả hai.
October 3, 2025
I hate these types of books but this one was actually okay. Probably a really great read for people pleasers; I am not one, but enjoyed the framework this provided. Some of the examples are so outdated and inappropriate for a book aimed at professionals.
July 8, 2018
From beginning to quarter end of the book is very hard to understand, perhaps there were a lot of metaphors? however the end part is easily understandable and relate able.
January 14, 2020
This has a lot of very interesting and actionable information. I read a number of things that I’ll be working to include in my interactions. Overall, quite good.
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