Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

by Sherrie Eldridge

"Birthdays may be difficult for me."

"I want you to take the initiative in opening conversations about my birth family."

"When I act out my fears in obnoxious ways, please hang in there with me."

"I am afraid you will abandon me."

The voices of adopted children are poignant, questioning. And they tell a familiar story of loss, fear, and hope. This extraordinary book, written by a woman who was adopted herself, gives voice to children's unspoken concerns, and shows adoptive parents how to free their kids from feelings of fear, abandonment, and shame.

With warmth and candor, Sherrie Eldridge reveals the twenty complex emotional issues you must understand to nurture the child you love--that he must grieve his loss now if he is to receive love fully in the future--that she needs honest information about her birth family no matter how painful the details may be--and that although he may choose to search for his birth family, he will always rely on you to be his parents.

Filled with powerful insights from children, parents, and experts in the field, plus practical strategies and case histories that will ring true for every adoptive family, Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew is an invaluable guide to the complex emotions that take up residence within the heart of the adopted child--and within the adoptive home.

Genres: Adoption, Parenting, Nonfiction, Family, Psychology, Audiobook, Fostering

222 pages, Paperback

First published October 12, 1999

About the author

For well over two decades, Sherrie Eldridge has offered her unique voice within the adoption community, as an established author and international speaker. An adoptee herself, Eldridge has the ability to see life through the eyes of an adopted child. In her seven published titles, she has shared her passion for validating adoptees’ life experiences and her desire to help adoptive parents better understand and meet their adopted children’s emotional needs.

Reviews

[Michelle · Rating 1 out of 5]

I read this book because I was hoping it might address what I consider to be some of the major misconceptions existing about adoptees. I was sorely disappointed. Not only does it hold to those misconceptions but I think if a potential adoptive parent were to read this book it would serve only to put unnecessary and intense fear in their heart.

It's premise is that every adoptee is a deeply wounded and permanently damaged individual who will never feel whole. If the adoptee appears maladjusted it is due to the trauma of being "abandoned" by his or her birthmother. If the adoptee seems well-adjusted he or she is merely compensating for the loss in the hopes that good behavior will bring back the longed for birthparent. Absolute hogwash.

The only value this book has is the advice for adoptive parents to cultivate a climate in which the adoptee feels free to discuss whatever feelings they have regarding their adoption and to answer questions honestly and lovingly. However, I cannot recommend this book to anyone because the balance of it I believe is far to skewed to be of any real benefit (except perhaps in dealing with a person who is deeply traumatized due to a history of abuse or some other very obvious problem). In fact, i believe this book would cause more problems that it would remedy in all but extreme cases. It's for that reason that I will post this negative review as a warning to folks who are seeking think this book will debunk myths and believe this author speaks well for the adoptee's experience.

[Ebookwormy1 · Rating 1 out of 5]

I just could not finish this book. I get it, I really do. Adopted children have a unique position in society of having a birth family and an adopted family. Adopted children need to process the loss that brought about their entry into the adopted family. Adopted families need to be respectful of birth parents. I get it. Really, I do.

Positives:
* I am starting to understand the trauma of adoption better. I don't think I would have taken this author's word for it, but reading "There is No Me without You" alongside, helped me to see what the book was talking about regarding the relationship of the adopted child, the adopted parents and the birth family. I am starting to accept the idea that trauma exists even for infants.

Negatives:
* I just could not stand the author. She comes across as incredibly self-absorbed, bemoaning her adoption for her every struggle in life. There are many other promiscuous, eating disorder struggling, perfectionists in high schools across this country who are NOT adopted. The author seemed to blame everything on her adoption and her parents struggle to meet her emotional needs - another thing that takes place all over the world in non-adoptive families.

* While this book is endorsed by Christians, I found no Biblical reference in the 139/211 pages I read. The author's point seems to be embrace your identity as an adoptee with all it's pain (cue the moaning). I would like to read a book on adoption for Christian parents that actually encourages parents, children and families to embrace their *identity in Christ* to which we are ALL adopted. In addition, if she recommends professional therapy one more time.... well, I don't know what I'd do, which is why I had to stop reading.

* Because the author relies so heavily on processing/ justifying/ reliving/ emoting her own "difficult" past, the scope of the book is incredibly limited. The author was adopted in the 1940's, as an infant, through a closed adoption. Her parents were counseled not to talk about the adoption. Open adoptions, international adoptions, toddler adoptions, people not adopted from 1940-1965, etc. will all have other facets this book doesn't address.

* Attachment theory. This author relies heavily on attachment theory philosophy. I encountered this in literature I read when I had a natural born child. I wasn't buying it then, and I'm not buying it now. Why do some kids fail to attach? Biological kids fail to attach. Adopted kids fail to attach. Why? I can only say it is sin. Sin on the parents part, in letting our patience get exhausted, not being guided in parenting by God's word (things like tell the truth, repent of your failures, forgive, show love to others, etc.). Sin on the child's part in feeding their self-centeredness, insisting on their own way, etc. Parent-child relationships gone wrong. The point is that the parents do not have the resources to be God to a child and the child does not have the resources to be God to the parents, and the expectation of such by either is sinful.

I am so happy to say goodbye to this book!

For more on adoption, I recommend:
Adopted for a Purpose, Youd, 1986
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...

The Connected Child, Purvis, 2007
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...

Parenting the Hurt Child, Keck & Kupecky, 2002
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...

Adopted for a Purpose, Youd, 1986
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...

There is No Me Without You, Greene, 2007
https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...

[Beth · Rating 3 out of 5]

The title of this book should really be changed to "Twenty Things This Particular Adopted Kid Wished My Parents Had Known". The author does bring up some good issues, and I'm glad I read it, but her own negative experience colored her analysis of everything. Every possible challenge a kid could have seemed to be due to adoption, and many of those problems I felt were common in all kinds of kids. I agree with her that it's important to have open and frank discussions constantly to deal with issues as they arise, but I also think it's important to avoid the pitfall of thinking that every problem is adoption related. All teenagers have an identity crisis, all children act out and challenge authority at some point, and all adults feel lost and alone sometimes. Using "it's because of adoption" for every issue is too easy, just as ignoring adoption and pretending that everything is normal (as her parents did)is too easy also. The balance is somewhere in between, and every parent has to find it on their own (and it could be different for every child). Like I said, I'm glad I read it, but I don't think I will be opening it up again or recommending it to others.

[Jenifer · Rating 1 out of 5]

From the moment I finished the first chapter, I knew there was something I just didn't like about this book. However, wanting to be an informed soon-to-be adoptive mom, I was determined to finish with the hopes that my opinion would change as I learned this author's style. I'm sorry to say that this book left me with the same negative feelings I started it with. This book was full of fear inducing negativity. I believe all of the issues Eldridge brought up can be very real for some adoptees; however, she seemed to write this book while carrying some very deep emotional baggage. The generalizations made seemed to say that all adoptees will have these issues and there isn't a way around them. The information within is very good and definitely necessary to understanding the adopted child.....BUT it should be written by someone who is not so bitter toward being adopted. There are excellent books out there that address the same issues, but also give adoptive parents positive insight into how to best deal with these issues.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a child who comes from a giant family, whom many are adopted, this book helped me realize that the way I felt on the inside, the void I felt, wasn't necessarily wrong and that I didn't need to feel like I had to fix myself in order to be wanted. It also helped me understand a lot about myself and my other adoptive siblings. Are all adopted children like what she describes in the book? No. But what this book did was give me answers and empowered me to speak about things I had been told all my life that God would heal. Because of this insight, I was able to start to process through how I felt on the inside and grow from what I've learned making me a better person. I think everyone should approach this with an open mind and understand that no not every adopted child is like this, but yes, open the line of communication and listen to a hurting heart of adopted children.

[Laura · Rating 1 out of 5]

While I do agree that there is valuable information in this book, I'm having a powerful, negative reaction to it. I think the bottom line is that it seem to focus SO MUCH on the negatives of being an adopted child...all the hurt, anger, grief, loss, etc. etc. that the child experiences, and what potential adoptive parents need to do to help the child grieve the loss of their birth parents properly and move on to a better place in their lives. I don't discount this element, but in this case the negatives seem to so overshadow anything positive about adoption that they blot them out to a great degree.

I'm also struggling with the author's assertion that most adoptees feel as she did and does. If that is indeed true, that is a tragedy, and it would really put doubts in a lot of potential adoptive parents' minds about whether or not this was a good thing to do. I think in that respect the author (regardless of her good intentions) perpetrates a huge disservice to those seeking to pursue adoption. This was most certainly her experience, and there is no doubt that others have had very similar experiences, but I have serious doubts that in this day and age, with the resources available, her adoption story is the norm. I would certainly hope and pray that it is not.

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Can I just say that every person who has someone in their life that is adopted should read this book. I am profoundly affected by what I have learned.

[Christine · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is one of the most enlightening books I have read as an adoptive parent. Though you may find it a bit depressing, as the issue of loss is greatly explored. Keep in mind that though many adopted children face serious issues of abandonment and loss, there are probably an equal number of children who consider some of the topics Eldridge brings up 'non-issues'. Remember that every child is different, every story is different. The important thing for me was have these brought to light, and to understand better what my children may be feeling.

[Rena Traxel · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. I was adopted when I was 2.5 into a wonderful family. But still this book touched upon things that I've felt but couldn't really explain for example birthdays have always been very stressful for me (see chapter 18 in the book). It was wonderful to read that others have felt the same way.

This book lead to some great conversations between me and my mom and between me and my husband. I even took to reading passages to my husband that summed up my feelings perfectly (see pg. 9 on rejection).

I know others have commented in their reviews that this book had a negative take and that adopted kids are wounded. I did not get that impression at all. This book acknowledged and validated feelings of hurt while offering hope and great ideas for being open about adoption.

I think adoptees, adoptive parents/families and potential adopters should read this book. Loved it!

[Jenny (Reading Envy) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good topics for discussion, but a lot of repetition and overwriting. Possibly outdated considering the publication date and references even older than the book itself. Led to some useful discussions.

[Patricia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book for preparing adoptive parents to understand the life long impact of adoption. The author has unique perspectives as a woman in her 60s who was adopted as an infant. For the author the impacts have been profound and have deepened with time. Her stated goal in writing this book is to to help parents understand how their children may be feeling even when they seem well adjusted and comfortable with having been adopted.

[Katie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am not quite sure how I feel about this book. I think parts of it may be useful to refer back to in the future, if and when certain issues/bumps in the road/difficulties arise- but sometimes it did feel as though the author was suggesting that all or most adopted children would go through the trauma and shock and devastating grief described in the book. In my experience knowing both adopted and adoptees, this is NOT always the case- especially not to the degree described.
I understand the book is describing a vast array of "what may happen"... But by the same token, in some respects, it's like giving a book to a pregnant woman that describes every frightening thing or poor choice that her child could encounter as a teenager.... So many things can happen to our children, biological, adopted, foster- and personality, birth parents, genetic history, and SO many other things come into play.
I thought this book would help prepare me more... One of several that I'd hoped would be my "What to Expect When You're Expecting" for the ADOPTING MAMA..... But the book really just gave me anxiety until I came back to reality and skipped several parts.
There is some good info- just be careful not to let things scare you or get blown out of proportion and perspective. I wish I had Checked it out at the library rather than purchasing. I should have read more reviews first! Live and learn! :)

[smalls · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good book. Very insightfull. This is required reading for those of us in Nevada that want to adopt, but it should be required for all adoptive parents.

Glean what you can out of it. A few times she does say not all adoptive children will struggle with these issues, but it is helpful for those who do. You just never know. Unfortunately, there is so much in the book about the struggles, that you just forget that she says not all adopted children will experience these issues.

I really think it is helpful for those children who are in the foster care system. They will experience loss like this author did. As welll as children from other countries. I would highlight things that you think might be helpful for you and your child.

Is it a perfect book? Nope, but really, humans are not perfect, so I think it is still a good book to read if you are adopting.

[Susan · Rating 1 out of 5]

As a mother to both biological and adopted children, I cannot share this author's dark view that adopted children are victims who suffer an injury that never heals. Her research is extensive, but mostly unscientific and anecdotal in nature. It's clear that this author has much emotional baggage, but as we all know, everyone is different and reacts to what life throws at us in different ways. If I were to take anything away from this book, it would be the importance of acknowledging the grieving process and the importance of communication about adoption to your child.

[J-Lynn Van Pelt · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic book from a child's perspective on adoption. An honest, and sometimes hard to hear, discussion about what it means to be adopted. When we were going through the application process to become adoptive parents, social services wanted us to read this book and answer questions reflecting on the reading. I understand why; this is one of those books that every prospective adoptive parent should read. It is a wake up call and can profoundly affect your approach to parenting adopted children.

[Tiffany · Rating 1 out of 5]

As an adoptive parent, this book was very negative and is outdated on philosophies currently practiced or encouraged in the adoption community.

[Baq · Rating 4 out of 5]

I feel compelled to write a review for "Twenty Things.." if only to counter the many negative reviews written here about the book. Yes, the author and her writing come off as very intense, which is a comment not made lightly given that the subject matter she focuses on is intense by nature. I also had a difficult time making it through the first few chapters of the book. For a person with very little direct experience with adoption, who's beginning to explore the possibilities of adopting a child, the author immediately plunged me into some scary scenarios which were not softened at all by the dramatic writing. I think the main thing this book could improve on is to have a gentler introduction to those of us who are initially naive to an adopted child's struggles. (Another improvement would be sharing what adoptive children struggle with when having a sibling who is not adopted).

I stuck with it though and came out the other end, and now rather than feeling scared, I feel empowered. After the first few chapters, which focused more on her personal experience, she dove into some very intelligent, emotionally sensitive prescriptions on how to approach an adopted child's struggles. The author quoted a significant amount of research as well as anonymized adoptee's stories to support those prescriptions. Her intense writing style filled in the spaces between the more measured passages, but by that point, I came to understand and appreciate her intensity. It's obvious that she cares deeply about raising well-adjusted, confident and secure adopted children. She wants to use everything she's learned, both personally and through her research, in helping other adoptive parents avoid the many mistakes she's encountered. The negative reviews seem to state that the book is entirely negative, and that all adopted children and parents will struggle and suffer. I think those reviews are missing the point (as well as the fact that the author states numerous times that not ALL children/parents will deal with ALL of the problems outlined). The point WAS to talk openly about all the issues that an adopted child may encounter; that if you sample from the large population of adopted children, it is a certainty that any one of them will have felt at least one of the emotions described in this book. As a potential adoptive parent, I am now better equipped to understand that child, no matter how easy or hard the adoption may come to our family, and feel empowered to help navigate my child through his/her struggles, no matter how significant they are.

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a bit terrifying! An advocate of the primal wound theory of adoption... (that all adopted children have a primal wound from the loss of their birthmother), Eldridge presents a list of feelings and situations that could be important to an adopted child. She emphasizes that not every child will experience all of them, they are just things to look out for.

Most of the book revolves around the "hidden loss" of the adoptee. The author advocates for being very open with your child about her history, respecting her privacy about adoption, and taking the initiative in talking with her about her birth family. Sometimes, sadness will surface as anger, sometimes children feel like their parents' gave them away because they weren't good enough, and sometimes birthdays are an emotional time because they think of their loss.

All important things to think about!

[Danielle · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was recommended to us from a friend. He was adopted. We adopted. He hadn't gotten through the book, but liked what the first couple chapters had to say. So I bought it and started reading it, caught up to him, passed him. Confronted him. Discussed. Needless-to-say, neither of us really like this book. I believe it to be written by a VERY bitter adoptee. Things could've gone much better for this woman, but they didn't and I think she was closed to that ever happening. It was good information to take in, from her point of view, but I just don't think that I can honestly recommend this book. It is especially hard on adoptive mothers, as this woman didn't have a good relationship with her mother and {at least it seems to me} blamed her for more than her share of her troubles in life. I'd say we only need to know about 5 of the 20 things. The rest is just a rant. Sorry.

[azn-choi · Rating 5 out of 5]

"I love you" means something very special and very concrete. It means that I surround you with the feeling that allows you-perhaps requires you-to be everything you really are as a human being at that moment. When my love is fullest, you are most fully you. You may be good, or bad, or both; tender or angry, or both; but you are you, which is the very most I could ever ask or expect. And so I experience you in all your beauty and all your ugliness. But you, not what I expect, or want, or what you feel you should be, or were fashioned to be, but really you. -Thomas Malone & Patrick Malone, Art of Intimacy

[Monica Garcia · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an amazing book! The author did such an amazing job in spelling out all the complex issues and situations that a family brought together through adoption will go through with emphasis on the adoptee.

[Sarah Quilt · Rating 1 out of 5]

I only got 17 pages into this book before I had to throw it down. This woman is projecting her bitterness at being adopted onto tiny baby infants saying that they are emotionally scarred just from being born. I'm sorry, but no. Take that garbage elsewhere.

[Jenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

Anyone in the adoption "extended network" should read this. Informative, full of stories with a broad range of experiences.

[Emmie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Written by an adoptee, Twenty Things provides valuable insight to the inner world of adoptees. I’m shocked by the negative reviews and can only suppose the book triggered defensiveness and fear in adoptive parents. We know from the myriad of research, adoption is a lifelong trauma adoptees will continually work through. As an adoptive parent, I want to be as equipped as possible to help my daughter navigate these complex issues throughout all stages of her life. Twenty Things has given me more tools and insight to help my daughter. I recommend this book to anyone wanting to better understand the complexities of adoption.

[Amy McCalla · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honestly, this is one of my favorite adoption books I have read so far. My husband and I are in the middle of the process and a lot of the fears and nerves I had were put to ease from reading this book.
I highly recommend it to anyone thinking about adopting, waiting to adopt or have already adopted.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

So helpful! I found lots of inspiration and answers in this book.

[Peter LeDuc · Rating 4 out of 5]

As an adoptive parent and an adoptee, I found this to be incredibly enlightening.

[Kathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Extremely eye-opening and helpful.

[Anna]

At times the author was old-fashioned (and occasionally religious) in some of her parenting advice, which wasn't really my thing. However, it was also an important perspective that was very straightforward and accessible to read, even if it may offer some pretty hard truths for adoptive parents.

[Sienna · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am glad I read this book, and it did provide a lot of useful information.

I wish it had included more information directed toward adoptive parents of older children. Most of it was geared toward adoptive parents of infants. Also, at times it seemed very specific to the author's experience. That can be fine, but isn't always effective.