Bizarníma rukama

by Joe R. Lansdale

Nejdrsnější z drsných, nejrealističtější z fantastů, král undergroundu a antiwesternu, mistr nejčernějšího hororu.
Texasan Joe R. Lansdale je autorem dvanácti románů, tří scénářů k televiznímu Batmanovi, tří filmových scénářů a stovky povídek a novel. Získal ceny British Fantasy, The American Mystery, The American Horror Critics a čtyřikrát cenu Brama Stokera (v roce 1990 za postkatastrofický antivestern: S mrtvolákama v Poušti kadilaků).
Leitmotivem Lansdalových próz je obava, že současná podoba zla je jakousi bující subkulturou, předvojem bezcitných mutantů budoucnosti. Úsporným stylem popisuje mezní situace, zápasy na život a na smrt, šílené vrahy a úchylné sadisty, pubertální supermany i záhadné alternativní světy, především však odhaluje zrůdné myšlenky a obludné praktik rasismu.
Není pochyb, že se pokouší vyburcovat naivní humanismus z pohodlné netečnosti a dělá to brutálně pravdivým způsobem - uvěříte mu, že pokud je člověk něčeho takového vůbec schopen, přesně takhle se to muselo stát.
Není pochyb, že Lansdale záměrňe provokuje - nikdy však neprolije jedinou kapku krve zbůhdarma.
Jeho povídky vás mohou nadchnout nebo znechutit, ale v žádném případě vás nenechají lhostejnými.

Povídky:
- Jáma (The Pit)
- Lov na kachny (Duck Hunt)
- Bizarníma rukama (By Bizarre Hands)
- Krvavý Valentýn (The Steel Valentine)
- Jak chutná láska (I Tell You It's Love)
- Dopis z jihu, dva měsíce na západ od Nacogdoche (Letter from the South, Two Moons West of Nacogdoches)
- Kluci jsou kluci (Boys Will Be Boys)
- Tlouštík a slon (The Fat Man and the Elephant)
- Peklo za čelním sklem (Hell Through Windshield)
- Balvan na břehu moře (Down by the Sea Near the Great Big Rock)
- Zmeškané vlaky (Trains Not Taken)
- Mrtvý muž s jehlami v zádech (Tight Little Stitches in a Dead Man's Back)
- Větrná smršť (The Windstorm Passes)
- Té noci, kdy nešli na horor (Night They Missed the Horror Show)
- S mrtvolákama na poušti kadilaků (On the Far Side of the Cadillac Desert with Dead Folks)

Genres: Horror, Short Stories, Fiction, Splatterpunk, Collections, Fantasy, Mystery

264 pages, Paperback

First published November 1, 1989

About the author

Champion Mojo Storyteller Joe R. Lansdale is the author of over forty novels and numerous short stories. His work has appeared in national anthologies, magazines, and collections, as well as numerous foreign publications. He has written for comics, television, film, newspapers, and Internet sites. His work has been collected in more than two dozen short-story collections, and he has edited or co-edited over a dozen anthologies. He has received the Edgar Award, eight Bram Stoker Awards, the Horror Writers Association Lifetime Achievement Award, the British Fantasy Award, the Grinzani Cavour Prize for Literature, the Herodotus Historical Fiction Award, the Inkpot Award for Contributions to Science Fiction and Fantasy, and many others. His novella Bubba Ho-Tep was adapted to film by Don Coscarelli, starring Bruce Campbell and Ossie Davis. His story "Incident On and Off a Mountain Road" was adapted to film for Showtime's "Masters of Horror," and he adapted his short story "Christmas with the Dead" to film hisownself. The film adaptation of his novel Cold in July was nominated for the Grand Jury Prize at the Sundance Film Festival, and the Sundance Channel has adapted his Hap & Leonard novels for television.

He is currently co-producing several films, among them The Bottoms, based on his Edgar Award-winning novel, with Bill Paxton and Brad Wyman, and The Drive-In, with Greg Nicotero. He is Writer In Residence at Stephen F. Austin State University, and is the founder of the martial arts system Shen Chuan: Martial Science and its affiliate, Shen Chuan Family System. He is a member of both the United States and International Martial Arts Halls of Fame. He lives in Nacogdoches, Texas with his wife, dog, and two cats.

Reviews

[Bill Kerwin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I probably would not have read Joe Lansdale’s By Bizarre Hands If I had known it contained so many examples of the kind of graphic horror story I claim to despise. Yet I am grateful for my ignorance, for Joe Lansdale is such a good writer—so concentrated in his effects, so incisive in his ironies—that he makes me like even his most vicious, bloody tales, the kind I take pains to avoid.

Take the title story of the collection, for example. “By Bizarre Hands,” a tale about an itinerant preacher obsessed by the memory of his younger sister’s murder, is so filled with knuckle-dragging hillbilly stereotypes and merciless unmerited violence that it could have been written by a fallen-away Flannery O’Connor, provided she had been raised Disciple of Christ instead of Roman Catholic and still believed (no longer in Heaven but) in Hell. It is an evil tale, one of the best in this collection, and one of its lines (“Woooooo, woooooo, goats”) will probably haunt me till my dying day. “The Night They Missed the Horror Show” (a story of degeneracy and racism) is equally memorable, and two other backwoods tales—”The Pit” (human death-battles held like dogfights in a small Southern town) and “Duck Hunt” (boy comes to manhood through ancient rural ritual) are almost as evil and nearly as excellent.

As long as Landsdale sticks to the violent—as in “The Steel Valentine” (a blood-spattered “Most Dangerous Game”), “I Tell You It’s Love” (a relentless sadomasochist dance), “Boys Will be Boys” (two psychopaths find each other)--and the post-apocalyptic--“Tight Little Stiches in a Dead Man’s Back”--he is memorable and effective. Sometimes, though, when he tries something different—the alternate history narratives “Letter from the South, Two Moons West of Nacogdoches" and "Trains Not Taken," for example—he produces work that is merely interesting without being compelling.

Yet there are other times when Lansdale reveals the nature poet in himself, and it is in these stories, relatively free of violence and blood, that I like him best, both as a writer and a man. “Fish Night,” “The Fat Man and the Elephant” “The Windstorm Passes,” and the somewhat darker “Down by the Sea Near the Great Big Rock” are all examples of this sort of tales. The world he shows us here is still dangerous, and odd, but there is something whimsical about it.

But I still haven’t mentioned my two favorite pieces from By Bizarre Hands. The first is “On the Far Side of the Cadillac Desert with Dead Folks,” a wonderfully inventive post-apocalyptic zombie novella featuring bad boy bounty hunter Wayne, go-go dancing zombie girls, and a twisted religious cult with naughtily-dressed nuns and a desert amusement park dedicated to Jesus. It would make one helluva movie.

But my absolute favorite is “Hell Through a Windshield.” It starts out as if it were a popular magazine essay, an apparently conventional history of the drive-in movie theater, but then it shifts to a paean of the drive-in’s principal poet (movie critic Joe Bob Briggs), shifts again to a few personal reminiscences (including Lansdale's memory of a first-class drive-in fist fight), and ends with what he calls his “nightmare,” a haunting short story in which every single customer of the drive-in is trapped inside, unable to leave. In spite of the piece’s apparent randomness, it is forceful, unified, and impressive. It is the sort of thing Hunter S. Thompson and Thomas De Quincey would have liked. A lot.

[Jack Tripper · Rating 5 out of 5]

(Updated 1/15/17)

Cover of the 1991 Avon mass-market (242 pages) with art by JK Potter, which I'm (re)adding due to the fact that someone saw fit to remove it from the list of editions.

Lansdale's first collection is filled with some of the most brutal and disturbing stories I've ever read. So much so that I didn't really care for it when I first attempted it as a teen back in the mid-90s. But over the years I've really come to appreciate his gift for making the reader feel certain unsavory emotions that they may otherwise never come close to feeling, by placing them in the midst of some truly despicable characters. There were times during this most recent re-read where I actually questioned why I was reading this at all, as it certainly wasn't enjoyable, and I had a tendency to be depressed after reading one of these tales. But I couldn't stop thinking about them, lying in my bed late at night.

A few that stuck with me the most:

"The Pit," about a man whose car breaks down in the wrong backwoods town, and he's soon made to fight to the death for the amusement of a bunch of hillbilly sickos. Totally abhorrent and twisted. And awesome.

"Tight Little Stitches in a Dead Man's Back," about a couple forced to survive in a lighthouse in a post-nuclear holocaust world. It's a very personal story despite the setting, and is possibly my favorite story here.

The title story, about a pervert preacher who travels the land in search of mentally-handicapped little girls he can "save" from eternal damnation. This was one I nearly quit reading due to the depravity, but I'm glad I soldiered on.

"Fish Night" is an odd little tale that's not disturbing at all. It's almost touching, in a way, and filled with a sort-of childlike wonder, about two men who are traveling through the desert, when one of them remembers seeing some strange, magical phenomena in the sky, once upon a time, in the very same area. And they may be there at the right time to see it again.

"Letter from the South, Two Moons West of Nocogdoches" seems like a typical epistolary-type story, till it slowly dawns on the reader that something is horribly, horribly wrong with the "world" of this story. I dare not say more.

"On the Far Side of the Cadillac Desert With Dead Folks" (1989 Stoker winner) is a good post-apocalyptic zombie novella (originally from Skipp and Spector's Book of the Dead), if a little overlong. It's pretty much balls-out craziness straight through, with bounty hunters, tamed zombie strippers, horny nuns...well, I'll let you discover the rest for yourself.

And probably the most famous, deservedly, "Night They Missed The Horror Show" (1988 Stoker Winner). To this day, I have never read a more gut-wrenchingly horrifying story, about two kids who are out raising hell late one night, when they run into the wrong rednecks. This was such a visceral, powerful reading experience, I almost felt like I was there, and I was honestly scared to turn the page. This one definitely holds nothing back, and all horror fans should read it, whether they're into this type of horror or not. I'm not, but I'm still glad I read it. It's images will never leave me, they are permanently burned into my brain.

Many of these stories can be found in Lansdale's later retrospectives like High Cotton and The Best of Joe R. Lansdale, but this is still well-worth getting, as it could almost be considered a "best of" itself (plus, you can't beat that creepy J.K. Potter cover art). He would go on to expand his palette over the years, from westerns, to noirish crime novels, to alternate history, to comedy/horror/sf hybrids (see The Drive-In), but this will always be the first thing I think of when someone mentions Lansdale (his ownself).

5 Stars

[Shawn · Rating 3 out of 5]

In the early 1980s, I subscribed to TWILIGHT ZONE MAGAZINE from the first issue - being young, I didn't realize that what I was reading was what would end up being one of the last widely published forums for short fiction, specifically of the weird/supernatural/fantasy/horror persusaion. Many careers for writers of the 1990s started in TZ, and certain writers still stick out in my mind as having been discovered by me in the pages of the magazine: T.E.D. Klein, David J. Schow and Joe R. Lansdale.

Lansdale went on to a career writing movies and novels - his Hap & Leonard books get mentioned quite a lot but I've never read them. I did buy this collection back in 1989, however, and recently decided to re-read it (along with Schow's Seeing Red collection - a review for that will follow when I can geographically reunite with the book). I appreciated Lansdale at the time for writing gritty, sweaty rural fiction - kind of like a nastier Mark Twain or Ambrose Bierce but also more southern-fried, absorbing all that greasy, drive-in, psychotronic pop-culture and ladling it over simple pulp yarns. I guess he'd be considered one of the fathers of Splatterpunk (and Bizarro, if I could find a definition of that movement that was cohesive or attractive) - which is funny because I tend to not like fiction that exists simply to disgust or shock, or even dazzle with crazy imagination (unless there's some human resonance or literary style apparent). So Lansdale is a storyteller of little *depth*, but he is careful and takes his writing and stories seriously, even when he's having fun, which immediately puts him ahead of the "carve 'em up which new way" wannabes who I can't waste my time with.

This collection, however, is uneven. It has a lot of the author's highlights at the time it was printed, but it also has a few pieces that, simply put, are parts of larger wholes and so read as unsatisfying. For instance, there's "Boys Will Be Boys", which is a compelling examination of a bond formed between two sociopathic juvenile delinquints - but it's not a whole story, just the roots of a character study that would be expanded in The Nightrunners. The same holds true for "Hell Through A Windshield", which is really an atmospheric memorial essay to the great southern tradition of the drive-in theater, with the sketch of a plot idea (about people trapped in a drive-in that is dimensionally sealed off from the world) tagged to the ending - which would later be expanded into the Drive In novel and its sequels. The same also holds true for "The Windstorm Passes" which, again, sets up a character and cuts off right as the real story starts - as it's an excerpt from The Magic Wagon.

The rest of the stories fall into the horror, dark fantasy or crime/noir fiction traditions. A quick word: racial strife, specifically southern racism, are up-front in Lansdale and he unapologetically writes racists as racists, so that means that if seeing certain words written out hurts you to the core, you should not read much Lansdale.

Let's get the negatives disposed with - there are two experiments in alternative history (which nowadays gets called Steampunk when it has cool inventions with rivets or airships), a subgenre type I'm not much of a fan of (it mostly strikes me as frippery and showboating). The first "Letter From the South, Two Moons West of Nacogdoches" posits a world where the Native Americans beat back the whites and still have problems with the blacks (and John The Baptist was historically considered the messiah, not Jesus). "Letter" is cute but forgettable and falls into that area of why I don't read much alternative history stuff - its effects derive from momentary surprise and re-adjustment, but doesn't say much more than a magician's trick (or say prosaic things like - "see, it wouldn't be any better if the Indians won, I just proved it in this story!"). The other alternative history piece, "Trains Not Taken", is better, a bittersweet meditation on lives, loves and alternate timelines featuring two "not famous in this world" characters.

I should mention that I did not read 2 stories here that I had read previously and noted as not liking too much. "Tight Little Stitches in a Dead Man's Back" is a post-apocalypse story, and "On the Far Side of the Cadillac Desert With Dead Folks" was part of the zombie-themed collection Book of the Dead which precursored all these current zombie anthologies way back in 1989 (it, and its sequel anthology Book of the Dead 2: Still Dead are quite good) - which I guess also counts as a post-apocalypse story. I had also not liked the title story, "By Bizarre Hands", but decided to reread it - it's a grotty little tale of madness about a travelling preacher who has a thing for Halloween and retarded little girls - the grottiness and lunatic humor impressed me a little more this time but it still isn't really my cup of tea.

If there's an odd, stand-alone story here it's "The Fat Man and The Elephant" about a broken down old elephant at a roadside attraction and the aging preacher who gains spiritual guidance and vision from it. It's not horror, it's not crime, but it is interesting.

One of the things Lansdale excels at is muscular, tight crime and action writing. "The Pit" is something between an action tale and a horror story as a man is waylaid in a backwoods town and forced to fight for his life in an arena - what impresses here is that the majority of the writing describes the fight itself, and yet it never gets boring, as Lansdale makes you feel every punch and gouge. This would have found an appreciative audience in the pulp mags of yore. (I was able to purchase the rights from Mr. Lansdale himself and featured it as an episode of my weekly horror fiction podcast PSEUDOPOD - here: "The Pit"). "The Steel Valentine" is another noir-tinged tale of revenge that, again, spends most of its time detailing a very physical confrontation between a man and a dog. Exciting stuff.

"I Tell You It's Love" sketches out a sadomasochistic relationship that ends badly - this was probably more shocking when such things were less mainstreamed than now (for good or ill, take your pick). "Duck Hunt" is a nasty little story about enculturation, and reminded me a bit of Raymond Carver's "So Much Water So Close To Home" in the way that male hunting rituals work to deaden their participants to human suffering.

"Fish Night" and "Down By The Sea Near The Great Big Rock" are both short, extremely effective bits of weirdness, the former spun from the realization of geologic time and how vast parts of North America were underwater, millenia ago, the latter just a great, creepy horror story about a camping trip gone awry that can't be discussed without giving too much away (we presented it on Pseudopod as the first story in a collection of flash fiction - here). Finally, there's the much-lauded, Stoker award winning story "Night They Missed the Horror Show". It's a brutal tale, again on that margin of crime and horror, where some unlikeable teenagers get more than they bargained for out on the backroads on a boring night.

I like Lansdale. As I said, he mostly spins pulpy yarns but he's good at it, with some striking imagery and nasty dialogue, and he takes his writing seriously, which is more than you can say for other writers who trawl the same lurid waters. BY BIZAARE HANDS is definitely worth reading for "Duck Hunt", "The Pit", "The Fat Man And The Elephant", "Steel Valentine", "Fish Night", "Down By The Sea.." and "Night They Missed The Horror Show", not to mention sections of the excerpted stories. That's more than some writers can manage!

[Quentin Wallace · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good short story collection.

Even though his writing is crude at times, I'm a big fan of Lansdale. He can make things seem funny that shouldn't be, but he can always turn things deadly serious immediately.

This short story collection has everything from humor to horror. Especially interesting are the short stories included that served as basis for later novels. The Magic Wagon, the Drive-In and The Nightrunners all sprouted from short stories included in this collection. Maybe more, but of the works I've read those are the three I recognized. Not to mention the great short stories that stand on their own.

I wish Lansdale would stay away from the racial topics he brings up, but I suppose its the characters and not the writer showing the racism.

He can also take some of the horrible situations ever and make them so funny you just can't stop laughing. I think it's because he's that good at playing with emotions. Sort of like when something really scary happens and gets you excited, and then right after than you laugh your head off at something that wouldn't even be funny under different circumstances. This entire book is sort of like that. Don't get me wrong though, this is more horror than humor by far.

If you're a Lansdale fan you really need to read this one. If you're not, this would be a good place to start.

[Leah Polcar · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

Slightly above average short story collection. Landsdale is a talented writer and By Bizarre Hands is a good collection. However, about a week after finishing I am having a hard time remembering a lot of the stories without prompting, so there wasn't a huge impact and that brings my rating down.

[Cody · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow! What a collection of stories. This was my first Lansdale, but it certainly won’t be my last.

This is grisly stuff. Blood, guts, sex with corpses. It’s all on full display here; Lansdale’s stories come with sharp edges and a dark, maniacal energy. Published in 1989, this book stands with the best horror of that era.

I must admit, however, there are a couple of stories that didn’t work for me — “The Fat Man and the Elephant” and “Fish Night,” mainly. I don’t think these are bad stories, really, I just found my attention wandering a bit while reading them. As for my favorite? Oh, I can’t choose.

This isn’t much of a review, and I apologize for that. Reviewing story collections is a little challenging, for me. Just pick this up if you’re a horror fan and don’t mind your scares erring on the sacrilegious and violent side. A warning: the “N-word” is used frequently, though Lansdale does make it clear it is despicable people using that sort of language. And if necrophilia ain’t your thing, you might want to avoid this collection — that very topic is featured heavily in two stories.

Horror not for the faint of heart, these tales combine the emotional depth of Ray Bradbury and Stephen King and the unashamed graphic sensuality of Clive Barker and Poppy Z. Brite. I should have read Joe R. Lansdale long ago.

I’ve had a lot of luck lately — this is yet another 5-star read. Let’s hope that streak continues through the end of the month!

Read for ‘80s Horror’ in Halloween Bingo.

[Blue Mama · Rating 5 out of 5]

be ready to feel as though you've done something wrong after reading some of the stories in this book. they are so horrifying at times and so well written that you come out of it feeling as though you experienced or perpetrated the acts on the pages. not for squirmish readers.

[Josh · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bizarre hands indeed, suh, bizarre fuckin’ hands.

[STEPH · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the best collections ever written!

While reading the first episode; "Fish Night", I had a feeling that the story was quite familiar and that I've seen it before and I remembered thinking about one episode from the series Love, Death + Robots, and that was it, the same story! Adapted for Television. I got so excited and thrilled because I had no idea! OMG. I've seen warnings about this book so I came prepared. Or so I thought. HAHA.

This was extremely well-written, the stories are dark and disturbing but I felt a part of something indescribable. The meaning behind the stories are profound and I don't think I got the message clearly, at least for some of the stories. Take the episode "The Windstorm Passes" it was quite symbolic and tragic and then it ended abruptly, (in my opinion) and I was left with too many questions.

"Night They Missed The Horror Show" and "On The Far Side Of The Cadillac Desert With Dead Folk" were my two most favourite episodes. I love love this book!

[Lostaccount · Rating 1 out of 5]

I'll give a brief rundown of these unoriginal stories, for what they're worth, in which I’ll be brutally honest. If you like Lansdale don’t read this review. I’m not going to apologise because the book wasted my time and I resent it!

Fish Night: some travelling salesman bloke and younger man break down in the desert (the desert features big in Lansdale fiction). The older bloke starts ranting on about seeing illusory fish in the desert when he broke down here before. As night falls and the two men tuck in cosily (you could say conveniently) the older bloke sees the fish again, goes fruitloop with it, and we get some bull about it being the re-emergence of the primeval past into the present. That's it. Big deal.

The Pit: a bunch of retarded inbred-type rednecks (another regular feature of Lansdale fiction) kidnap some bloke who breaks down in the desert (another breakdown in the desert, yep), and make him fight in the pit of the title for redneck amusement against a bloke called big George who is the current pit champion (bloke was also kidnapped by rednecks and held prisoner to fight in the pit). But first Lansdale gives us a dog fight (dogs also feature in his fiction a lot, especially the cruel abuse of them. Makes you wonder). The similes used in this story are ludicrous, as they are in most of this guy's fiction. Gratuitous pointlessness.

Duck: Kid gets taken on a duck hunt. The twist is that it's not a duck hunt. Again, big deal. People may be tempted to read something more into this story, but I wouldn't. There is no literary sensibility here, believe me.

By Bizarre Hands: Preacher finds retarded girl (retards feature big in Lansdale fiction) living out in the middle of nowhere with her mother. He tries to convince the mother to let him bring God into the girl's life to "save" her, like he should have saved his retarded sister, of whom the girl reminds him. His sister is dead, murdered and raped. Really, any reader will see the ending coming a mile off, will understand what has happened to the sister, title gives it away and so does the foreshadowing. The story is perverted and nasty and not the kind of thing I care about, but if you're going to write this kind of stuff at least have the guts to take the story to its reprehensible conclusion. Lansdale didn't.

Steel Valentine: Bloke is kidnapped by husband of woman he cheats with, has dog set on him by the cuckolded bloke (cruelty to dogs again). I won’t tell you what happens in case you want to read this trash. But the nasty outcome is obvious anyway.

I Tell You It’s Love: a cheesy BDSM story taken to the extreme.

Letter From The South (blah blah silly nonsense title): An alternate history epistolary story that made little sense and seemed like Lansdale just sounding off.

Boys Will Be Boys: couldn’t be bothered to read this one. Bored me from the start and had to stop or else I’d go insane. May go back to it later.

The Fat man and the Elephant: Fat men also feature a lot in Lansdale fiction, usually as the villains. This one was utterly ludicrous, although I have to say that it was almost saved by the wiley character of Candy, the guy working at the Emporium or whatever the hell you want to call it, out in the desert, where a preacher (preachers feature large in Lansdale fiction; God I was getting bored by now with all this crap and wanted to stop reading) is seeking inspiration for his Baptist sermons ... from the elephant, no less, in a kind of unconscious communion. A bizarre, crazy story that I’m sure was mostly, or all, stream of consciousness.

Hell Through A Windshield: An essay on drive-ins turns into an apocalypse story of sorts. Again, seemed like stream of consciousness to me, as if the writer didn’t know where he was going with this and just tagged on the events as soon as he thought of them.

Down by the Sea Near a Great Big Rock: family camping out affected by something evil, changing their thoughts and behaviour – we get the little girl choked almost to death by her brother and parents thinking about smashing in each other’s heads (nice!). Story doesn’t build but jumps to the obvious ending too soon.

Trains Not Taken: this was the only story I liked, and it’s not horror but a subtle alternate history story (which I don’t usually enjoy) about an unhappy clerk, unhappy with his love life etc. The meeting on the train with the other guy and the clerk’s situation were heartfelt. Enjoyed this despite hating everything else Lansdale had written so far. I actually enjoyed it- shocking.

Tight Little Stitches in A Dead Man’s Back: another nutcase story about a scientist who blames himself for his daughter’s death when the bomb drops. Armageddon sees husband and wife living underground with other scientists, who all go nuts. They decide to go topside again to a devastated Earth, where rose vines (yes, rose vines) begin to evolve into human flesh eating monsters, taking over the bodies of the dead, turning them into bizarre zombies. The scientist’s wife hates him for the death of their daughter, so decorates his back with a painful tattoo (as you would!), which our scientist allows in a kind of sadomasochist act of redemption, or so Lansdale obviously wants us to think.

The Windstorm Passes: yep, the windstorm does pass, but not before we see a retard die after giving prophetic warning.

Night They Missed The Horror Show: the most reprehensible story of the lot. Two bored Texan kids (dumber and dumber) tie a dead dog (see what I mean about dogs?) to the back of a truck and drive it around the desert for fun! They try to run down a black guy first, being racists and suchlike according to Lansdale (Lansdale must be a lefty since he thinks all rednecks are racist yet fails to realise stereotyping people as rednecks is kind of racist in itself. So stupid), but are actually trying to save him from a beating he’s getting from a bunch of rednecks (at least I think they’re rednecks, although it’s safe to assume it since this is Lansdale after all). They then get caught by two gangster types (bigger fish) who proceed to punish them for being stupid. It involves putting someone in the trunk of a car (another feature of Lansdale’s fiction) and torture.

On The Far Side of the (...forget it, I can’t be bothered with these silly long-winded titles): a post apocalyptic zombie story about a Texan bounty hunter. Bodies in trunks of cars, fat men as villains, gratuitous violence and perversion. Stock Lansdale stuff. Nuff said.

It’s obvious I’m not a fan of Lansdale, after reading this collection. These stories were mostly pointless, full of violence, I’m not against violence in fiction (as in crime novels, noir, etc.) but here it’s just pulp shit. If not for the Trains Not Taken story, this book would have been shelved under "books to wipe your arse with". A close one.

I was left feeling puzzled about the bum-licking praise from Lewis Shiner (who?) in the introduction and the same by Ramsey Campbell in the afterword (which I read first). There is also praise by Joe Hill (who cares?) on the front cover of my copy. Frankly, and I'm not going to mince words, I think they're all full of crap. There seems to be a mutual appreciation society thing going on in horror fiction today, a bum-licking clique that I really don't like. Oh and I noticed some grammar and spelling mistakes in the collection. Just saying. :)

[Jamie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well, it finally happened. After countless mentions of his name and talk of his immense talent, I took the plunge and read my first book by Joe R. Lansdale. As you know, I believe that short fiction collections are a great place to begin a new (to me) author’s work. Because of this, I decided to start my trip into the land of Lansdale with BY BIZARRE HANDS. The edition I have is a 2016 republication of the original, which was released in 1991. It now contains both a foreword (by Lewis Shiner) and an afterword (by Ramsey Campbell). I love these additions to a book, and in this case, each was a perfect bookend to the stories found in between.

If you’re already a fan of Lansdale, you won’t learn anything new from my review, but I hope you’ll keep reading as I further validate the praise you’ve given this author. If you’re waiting to take the plunge into Lansdale’s writing, what I tell you here might be similar to what you’ve already heard, but I hope this time it prompts you to jump in. Better late to the party than never, right?

Lansdale’s writing is everything I was told it would be. BY BIZARRE HANDS is a horror collection, but the stories within span so many genres that they can’t be confined to just one. Together, they form a perfect example of how versatile and limitless the genre can be—a full display of how “horror” cannot be narrowly defined or fit into a box. Here you’ve got a wide range of story types: western, post-apocalyptic, alternate history, and coming-of-age are just a few. They are all horror stories in the sense that they force the reader to look fear in its face and leave feeling unsettled, shaken, or even flat out frightened. I love that these stories are so versatile, and believe that more readers would take a chance on horror if they knew it could be like this.

The stories in this collection are memorable. The writing is unapologetic, and a perfect blend of great storytelling elements. The dialogue and setting are often characters in their own right, and the human characters themselves are what seal the deal in each of these tales. Most of the stories in this book have no hint of the supernatural, and are further proof that it’s not a necessity in order for horror to be effective. In this collection, Lansdale has written some of the most frightening stories I’ve ever read, with the majority of them based on human monsters. The characters are real, raw, and often downright vile. In these tales, I’ve come across some of the most memorable antagonists I’ve ever encountered. As I was reading, I often felt like I was watching crime unfold from the sidelines—like I couldn’t stop watching in horror, and I was helpless to stop it. This is some highly effective writing, friends.

My Top 5 in this collection are:

-BY BIZARRE HANDS
-BOYS WILL BE BOYS
-NIGHT THEY MISSED THE HORROR SHOW
-DOWN BY THE SEA NEAR THE GREAT BIG ROCK
-ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE CADILLAC DESERT WITH DEAD FOLKS

After reading just this one collection, I understand why Joe R. Lansdale’s work is treasured by so many. Many of my favorite authors have been influenced by him, and now that I’ve read it for myself, I can see hints of his fingerprints on the work of those he has inspired. I have no doubts that he can write in any genre and the end results will be spectacular. These stories won’t be leaving my memory any time soon, if ever. I’m thankful I’ve got more of this author’s work waiting on my shelves. From this day forward, you can count me in as a member of the chorus singing Lansdale’s praises.

[Dave Edmunds · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quite simply one of the best collections of short stories I've ever read. Dark, disturbing, innovative and extremely well written. What more could you ask for? Lansdale is a hell of a writer who doesn't get talked about a great deal when it comes to horror...but he should do.

The author has that style where it comes across like you're sat round the fire, being told a story. A story that unapologetically pulls absolutely no punches. Lansdale paints his picture perfectly and has you hanging on every word. The collection itself contains a Bram Stoker award winner no less - "Night They Missed the Horror Show." A terrifyingly brutal tale of a night out cruising for a group of teenage boys that goes horrifyingly wrong. It's not even in the top three stories included, in my extremely humble opinion of course.

Lansdale includes a couple of magnificent tales of sci fi horror that had me absolutely glued to this book unable to put it down. Don't you just love sci-fi horror? Just in case you're wondering my top five stories in the collection are:

1 Little Stitches in a Dead Man's Back
2 On the far Side of the Cadillac Desert
3 The Pit
4 Night they Missed the Horror Show
5 The Steel Valentine
6 By Bizarre Hands

Ok I went a bit crazy their and gave an extra as it deserved a mention along with a few I left out. Honestly, those mentioned simply appeal to my blood thirsty tastes. The writing is so good, there's not a bad story in here.

So your plan is:

1 Get this book
2 Read it
3 Become an instant Joe Lansdale fan

Simple as that!

[John C. · Rating 2 out of 5]

Most of the stories in this book are reprehensible filth, but some use their disgusting elements to better effect than others. The best are classic weird tales with splatterpunk violence, the worst are merely exploitation. At times, the over-the-top violence excited the unempathetic teenage horror fan in me, at others, it just bored me and kind of bummed me out. There's some pretty outrageous sexism and racism throughout as well, and while it's obviously used to enhance the bleak atmosphere of the stories, the fact that it seemed to crop up in exactly the same ways again and again made me kind of uncomfortable.

BUT, is there a better cover or title? Also, I got this book as a Christmas present and I am very happy that my mom apparently didn't read the back cover.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's really too bad this is out of print - if you're a horror fan, you're going to want to seek this out. Lansdale's "Night They Missed the Horror Show" is in here, which apparently won a Stoker award - it's got crocodiles and swamps - 'nuf said. "Tight Little Stitches in a Dead Man's Back" is another memorable one - nuclear horrors that Stephen King's never thrown at you. Really, Lansdale is a treat - :)

[Nick · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Night They Missed the Horror Show is one of the most disturbing stories of all time. Lansdale is a genius.

[Canavan · Rating 4 out of 5]

✭✭✭½


“Fish Night” (1982) ✭✭✭✭
“The Pit” (1987) ✭✭✭½
“Duck Hunt” (1986) ✭✭✭✭
“By Bizarre Hands” (1988) ✭✭✭½
“The Steel Valentine” (1989) ✭✭✭✭
“I Tell You It’s Love” (1983) ✭✭✭
“Letter from the South, Two Moons West of Nacogdoches” (1986) ✭✭½
“Boys Will Be Boys” (1985) ✭½
“The Fat Man and the Elephant” (1989) ✭✭✭½
“Hell Through a Windshield” (1985) ✭✭✭
“Down by the Sea Near the Great Big Rock” (1984) ✭✭✭✭
“Trains Not Taken” (1987) ✭✭✭✭
“Tight Little Stitches in a Dead Man's Back” (1986) ✭✭✭✭
“The Wind Storm Passes” (1986) ✭✭✭✭
“Night They Missed the Horror Show” (1988) ✭✭✭✭

[Glen Engel-Cox · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lansdale’s world is filled with razors, bad boys, drive-ins, pain, unfulfilled desires, injustice, bigotry, preachers. But most of all, it’s filled with energy and truth. By Bizarre Hands is Joe’s first collection, but rest assured that it won’t be the last; talented and prolific are two more words synonymous with Lansdale. Worth the price of the collection alone is the Stoker award-winning story, “Night They Missed the Horror Show,” to my mind the best horror story in the last ten years, no small recommendation. But also herein are the genesis stories for Lansdale’s novels The Nightrunners (“Boys Will Be Boys”) and The Magic Wagon (“The Windstorm Passes”), as well as collecting obscure Lansdale classics such as “Tight Little Stitches in a Dead Man’s Back” (from Masques) and “I Tell You It’s Love” (from Modern Stories #1, a one-shot magazine edited by Lewis Shiner and Edith Shiner).

Two stories are new to this volume: “The Steel Valentine” and “The Fat Man and the Elephant.” The former is a relative of Stephen King’s story, “The Ledge,” a battle between two men, one ruthless and cruel and the other learning how to be. An interesting variation on the theme, yet not as original as I had come to expect from Lansdale. On the other hand, “The Fat Man and the Elephant” is something that could only have been written by Joe. A curious mix of metaphysics and good ol’ fashion religion, with a little zen on the side, the story centers on Sonny, a Baptist minister, who “communes” with a sideshow elephant.

What makes Lansdale different from the hordes of horror writers flooding the market today? It’s his sense of place. Joe grew up in the backwoods of East Texas, and almost all of his stories are set there. Trapped underneath the evergreens, there lurks a different sort of horror, one that Joe escaped from and is telling you about now: small town Texas. The people are more alien than you might imagine, the settings more bizarre, but in Lansdale’s stories, they come alive before your eyes to reveal these differences. And the reason Lansdale’s stories work? Because by the time you understand the differences, you have also discovered the similarities within your own back yard.

By Bizarre Hands is only available in a hardcover edition from Mark Ziesing, who is also publishing hardcover editions of Lansdale’s recent paperback thrillers Cold in July and Savage Season. No other small publisher (well, maybe Ursus Imprints, Arkham House, and Scream/Press) puts as much quality into the production as Ziesing and all three of these books are as beautiful as the work is talented. Highly recommended.

[Tim Schneider · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I was reading High Cotton I started doing short reviews of the stories. I ran out of steam and/or time. We'll see how I do here.

"Fish Night" is a shorty that still finds time to make at least two significant turns in tone. Saying much more than that would give away too much. The story is worth the short time commitment.

"The Pit" if it's anything feels like swamp noir. If there were a femme fatale in the tale it might harken to Charles Williams and the swamp noir of his Fawcett originals. But there isn't. There's a brutal tale of human depravity and the capacity of otherwise normal humans to, if not embrace it, be swept in its tide. This is a noir tale brutally and well told.

"Duck Hunt" isn't entirely successful for me. At the risk of spoilers there's a lot of Wicker Man going on here. Not entirely unsuccessful, but nothing special.

"By Bizarre Hands". Oh this one is DARK. Preacher Judd is all about helping young mentally challenged ladies. And has been since boyhood. A Halloween to remember.

"The Steel Valentine." Noir with a druglord twist. This is a pretty tough little tale.

"I Tell You It's Love". Weakish shorty. Nothing inherently wrong with the story, but it really doesn't distinguish itself. We've seen its like before...which isn't bad, but again there's not much here that's different enough to stand out.

"Letter From the South, Two Moons West of Nacogdoches". Lansdale is no stranger to Alt-History. This is a shorty that is, I believe, in one of the alt's he's explored in other works. It has the Japan in the Western US thing at least. This one looks a bit at a world in which John the Baptist is the Messiah, his cousin Jesus having met with an ignominious end. I'd like more, but it's an intriguing look at religion and also racism in an America that clearly never was.

[Ryan Bradford · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lots of mixed feelings about this. On one hand, it's extreme without much style. It's super racist and misogynist—boy, does he gleefully love the n-word—and I never got the sense that whatever reason behind such extremism served a purpose other than shock value. But there's something to be said about indulging in such depravity, and reading it makes me think more about my own work and the purpose behind what I do. I actually found a lot of inspiration in Lansdale's anarchy.

He's also very darkly funny, which can go a long way in forgiving his offences. Most of the stories were pretty inventive too, but the writing itself is flat and often reads like a movie script.

[Don · Rating 1 out of 5]

Wow...all the 5 star reviews lured me in. For me the terror the other reviewers promised would be better described as disgust. A twisted racist preacher likes sex with 'retards', boys revel in evil acts, dogs tear each other to bits and humans are compelled to do the same...if this seems entertaining to you check it out. Virtually all the characters were reprehensible, mentally challenged, racist, misogynist scum who no had no redeeming characteristics. This was one of Lansdale's earlier works, I hated it, but I've heard such good things I plan on checking some of his later highly reviewed books out. Hopefully I'll have better luck.

[Fraser Burnett · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a classic collection of stories that will forever be in my library. Sixteen doses of pure originality, that appeared on the scene like a cooling east Texas breeze.

The wit, vigour and distinctive authorial voice on display is indicative of Lansdale's quality as a writer.

Nobody has written a story so upsetting as Night They Missed the Horror Show, since Harry Crews put the final full stop to A Feast of Snakes. Pure horror.

[Charles · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great collection of horror short stories by Joe Lansdale.

[Eric · Rating 5 out of 5]

The first, and in my humble opinion the best, collection of Joe R Lansdale short stories.

[Michael Fredette · Rating 3 out of 5]

By Bizarre Hands, Joe R. Lansdale [Dover Horror Classics, 1991].

Unspeakable horrors and Southern Gothic grotesquery abound in Joe Lansdale’s first collection By Bizarre Hands…

…In a backwoods, redneck town, two captives are forced to fight to the death in “The Pit.”

“By Bizarre Hands”: an itinerant preacher harbors a terrible secret.

“Steel Valentine”: a former professional basketball player faces a horrific fate at the hands of a jealous husband.

“Duck Hunt” describes a rite of passage involving human sacrifice.

“Stitches on a Dead Man’s Back”: Survivors of a nuclear holocaust contend with fresh horrors.

And more!

***
Joe R. Lansdale is the acclaimed author of works of fiction in the horror, crime, and western genre. His collection By Bizarre Hands won a Bram Stoker Award. Lansdale is the author of the Hap and Leonard novels, which were adapted as a Sundance Channel series. Lansdale lives in Nagadoches, TX. Most recently, he is the author of a novel,The Donut Legion, and a forthcoming short story collection, Things Get Ugly.

[Luke Kondor · Rating 4 out of 5]

Incredibly varied and amazingly brutal.

A great showcase for Joe's expansive story-pallette and full of horrific, weird, sweet, satirical, subversive, eye-popping, dog-fighting, zombie-battering, ... the list goes on.

Although some of the stories didn't quite vibe with me, the ones that did, did so in a BIG way.

Fish Night (Goes right into my favourite short stories I've ever read).
The Pit (a cage-fighting fever dream).
The Steel Valentine (a fun romp with dogs and testicles and teeth).
Hell Through A Windshield (this beauty just puts its foot down and rips. Turns into some sort of surrealist pop-culture freakshow. Quite brilliant).
Down By The Sea Near the Great Big Rock (One last paragraph twists this story into something truly absurd).
Night They Missed The Horror Show (now here's a satirical story with bite. Not for the faint of heart).

[Sockmonkey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was on my list for a long time before I finally found it. It was well worth searching for though. Joe is a master. His use of the language makes me wish I lived in one of his books. But then again if I did something really bad would probably happen to me. I love short stories and there isn't a single bad one in this collection.

[Tom Schulte · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found the first half of this collection of horror tale too predictably common-turns-weird; overwrought and formulaic. The red herring documentary on drive-ins was pleasantly surprising and leads off a more divere, better half of the book but overall ... meh.

[M · Rating 2 out of 5]

too predictable

[Craig Childs · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a review of the 6-issue limited comic series from Avatar Press in 2004. The series adapts eight iconic Joe R. Lansdale short stories. (Note: Two other Lansdale books also bear this same title. It was originally used for a 1989 short story collection. There was also a 3-issue limited series from Dark Horse Comics in 1994, which was later compiled into the graphic novel Atomic Chili.)

In most cases, Lansdale's acerbic dialogue is lifted straight from the page, but he is not credited with writing any of these scripts. As far as I know, these six issues were never republished in trade paperback. All interior pages are black and white only.

1. "By Bizarre Hands" (Script by Neal Barrett JR. Art by Dheeraj Verma)

A straightforward and engaging adaptation of the source material. However, I would not have chosen to illustrate the intellectually disabled girl "Cindareller" in such an oversexualized manner. This subtly changed the mood of the story by trying to transform her into an object of desire, not just for the perverted preacher but for the readers as well.

2. "Not From Detroit" (Script by Neal Barrett Jr. Art by Armando Rossi)

This is an underrated Lansdale story that is part heartwarming portrait of a 50-year marriage, and part thrilling fight with the Grim Reaper. It lacks the shock value of most early Lansdale tales; it reminds me of Robert Bloch instead. The artwork really enhances the story; I enjoyed the artist's use of shadow and the smooth, seamless flow of the action.

3. "The Pit" (Script by Neal Barrett Jr. Art by Andres Guinaldo)

I love this story but I was disappointed in the art work. The artist made his panels too busy, trying for some reason to eliminate white space. It looked like it was snowing or raining ash from the sky.

4. "Tight Little Stitches In A Dead Man's Back" (Script by Neal Barrett Jr. Art by Dheeraj Verma)

This is my favorite adaptation in this series. The frenetic art work perfectly complements Lansdale's trippy post-apocalyptic horror story. I really wish there was a colorized version.

5. "Night They Missed the Picture Show" (Script by Neal Barrett Jr. Art by Andres Guinaldo)

Lansdale's award-winning story about racism and violence in the deep South is always uncomfortable, and yet every time I see it reprinted, I have to re-read it. This is a solid adaptation that spares no punches, but for me it's not quite as effective as the prose story.

6. "God of the Razor" (Script by Rick Klaw. Art by Dheeraj Verma)

An eerie adaptation of Lansdale's most iconic horror character. However, the black and white drawings could not capture the true depravity of the God of the Razor, who has razor blades for teeth and wears severed heads for shoes. Plus, I was irritated by the fact that two characters were drawn almost identically, which made it difficult to tell them apart.

7. "My Dead Dog Bobby" (Script by Rick Klaw. Art by Dheeraj Verma)

Includes the full text of the short story. This is one of my favorite stories, but I prefer the illustrations provided by Joe Vigil for the chapbook edition.

8. "Dog, Cat, and Baby" (Script by Keith Lansdale. Art by Rick Klaw)

This adaptation was visually interesting because the illustrator made the odd and unique choice to render the human characters and their environs in a futuristic science fiction motif. Previously published as part of the graphic novel compilation Murder by Crowquill.

[7thTrooper · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lansdale måste vara en misantrop av proportioner som kan få Ligotti att framstå som en storleende lekledare. Inte för att just det är en nackdel, i och för sig. Jag kan så gott som räkna alla karaktärer i den här boken som inte är vedervärdiga rövhål på en hand. Vilket jag misstänker också är poängen; den förmodligen mest kända av novellerna - Night They Missed the Horror Show - består med ett undantag endast av uttalade rasister och mördare och antydda våldtäksmän. Lansdale kallar den för "a story that doesn´t flinch" och det kan man minst sagt säga. Han skriver inte det han gör för att glorifiera våld, den giftigaste av maskulinitet (där toppexemplet nog är Duck Hunt) och rasism, utan för att trycka läsarens ansikte i det mörkaste av människans mörka skrymslen. Med detta följer självklart att det är långt ifrån alla som har vare sig lust eller ork att ta sig igenom den misär som genomsyrar boken.
Men säg vad man vill om innehållet, skriva kan han. Lansdale skriver inte särskilt blommigt men fortfarande målande. Han har dessutom en talang för fantastiska titlar, titelnovellen framför allt. Men tyvärr så kan jag inte säga att samlingen sträcker sig till mer än tre stjärnor, vilket jag fullt ut erkänner nog mer är på mig än författaren. Undantaget är Tight Little Stitches in a Dead Man's Back och, lite ironiskt, I Tell You It’s Love; första är en glödande pärla post-apokalyptisk body horror om sorg och skam och den andra en vinjett om två psykopaters kärleksliv med en lite oväntad tvist.