Bedtime Stories for Children You Hate

by Antoinette Bergin

Hate cute stories? Hate happy endings? Hate children? Not quite right in the head? If so, this deliciously twisted storybook is dedicated just to you. Includes "Your Upstairs Neighbor Kills People" and "Blood in the Sink". You know you want this book. It can be our secret.**NOT INTENDED FOR CHILDREN**

Genres: Humor, Short Stories, Fiction, Ebooks, Fantasy, Anthologies, Female Authors

56 pages, Kindle Edition

First published June 7, 2011

Reviews

[Jason Koivu · Rating 3 out of 5]

I admit it, I bought this because of the title. I love everything about it!

But the stories do not deliver, at least not all of them, on the level of hatred I have for children. I rue the day children were born!

This is not bad for Bergin's first book. There are some funny stories here, even a creepy moment or two. Some formatting issues on the Kindle version, but nothing that couldn't be overlooked, especially since the spelling and grammar were fairly solid. In the end I suppose I wouldn't say no to giving her future work a go.

[Shari · Rating 4 out of 5]

Maybe I'm a bad person, but I really liked this book. It's hilarious!
Now, don't get your mom jeans all in a bunch. No children will be harmed if you read this book. Unless your kids catch you reading it and then assume they are they children you hate. I wouldn't suggest letting that happen. Therapy is expensive.

[Victoria · Rating 2 out of 5]

A few of the stories in this book were really amusing, particularly the ones that featured the nanny getting back at the children. Many other stories were just not that funny. The author should have stuck with stories that seemed almost semi-autobiographical about her nanny experiences. The Kindle edition also suffers from many formatting errors and several places where commas should be but just aren't.

[Vicky Marie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some of these stories made me chuckle, but that's it. It's called bedtime stories, but it felt more like random tales from an overly-bitter nanny. Not much to say other than 'meh.' It was 99 cents, so I don't know what I was expecting.

[Maryy Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

Loved the title, liked the stories but the book is too short! :(

[Nox · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm uncomfortable.

[Veronica Noechel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dark and giggle-worthy fairy tales with a cautionary bent if you consider something akin to "Don't be surprised when horrible things happen, because they will. To you." cautionary. I enjoyed it. Plan to read it to my nephews and niece if they touch my stuff with their sticky hands next time they come to visit.*

*In case my inlaws read this, I want to assure everyone that I love my nephews and niece, that they are lovely little moppets who I would never terrorize or menace in any way. Their parents, however, may want to watch themselves and wash their hands thoroughly before their arrival.

[Peggy Smith · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like short stories and there were a couple good ones here. I particularly like the last one about the children who didn't think they needed the babysitter. It's a small collection and it only cost 99 cents so overall a very good purchase. It's also the first book I ever read on my phone. I wonder what a young me would have thought if someone would have told me that one day I would read a book on my phone. Weird.

[Michael · Rating 3 out of 5]

While it was amusing to read these stories and imagine reading them to some kids. The book wasn't really well written and doesn't hold much apart from a small novelty factor

[Hillary Marek · Rating 5 out of 5]

The genius of this book is in the subtle delivery

Have you ever had someone try to soften the blow of bad news with a comically attempted anecdote that was both ill timed and utterly confusing?
Have you ever watched it happen on YouTube and thought "what an idiot! How did he not see that coming?"
Have you ever thought about how you would handle a similar situation?
Have you?
Have you really?
Well your ideas, no mater how random, hilarious, awkward, mean, insane or graphic, if compared to a day at a McDonald's playground then in relation, this collection is mother f**king Disney World.
I pride myself on my wit and left field reasoning. Well I did...
I was not able to predict a single ending or plot twist.
This book might be the kick in the head I need when I am dealing with writers block. I hope the author has many more planned because I am going to stalk the hell out of her Facebook page hunting for little morsels of this epic writing style and it would be disappointing to find instead a bunch of cat videos and photos of food.
I would love to do a few comic collaborations with this author, if anyone knows her personally tell her to reach out to me via goodreads or Facebook if interested.
xoxo Love & Tacos Hillary Marek from Maliceon Books

[Kyoto · Rating 4 out of 5]

this short and delightfully inappropriate read was a perfect addition to my day. several short stories that fit the description of the book's title had me giggling uncontrollably and enjoying every inappropriate anecdote. i think my favorite story has to be "will fluffy live forever" followed closely by "blood in the sink".

[Ada Lavin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Definitely not not for the kids

Lots of fun and lots of laughs. Quick read with twisted tales of things not read the children to sleep at bedtime. You won't regret purchasing this book full of really funny stories each one a will make you laugh.

[Roxanne Henderson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I got a good kick out of this one. Some stories I would rate a 5 and others lower but as an overall book I’d say between a 3 and 4.
I wouldn’t actually read it to a child but I certainly got a chuckle out of the premise

[Denise · Rating 3 out of 5]

Snarky and fun. Super quick read - like a half an hour (only 56 pages) so I probably wouldn't buy it, but it's funny enough to read. And you can't beat that title.

[Wyatt · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was kind of depressing.

[Eric Townsend · Rating 4 out of 5]

As this is a collection of short stories I figured I’d pick 3 like I normally do, this time my top 3 since I’m in a pretty happy mood. ^.^ So without further ado, my top 3 stories from Bedtime Stories For Children You Hate (in reverse order):

3. Your Upstairs Neighbor Kills People: A fun, creepy story that conveys a bunch of different potential messages that kids could learn from. Trust your friend when they say they’ve got a creepy dude upstairs that kills people, always a good rule to follow. If your friend seems crazy (insane kind) it’s probably because they are, you should find a new friend. If you associate with clowns there is a deeper problem there. Moral of the story: Bounty hunters aren’t to be trusted, especially ones that are actually serial killers.

2. I Said Not to Touch That: Really annoying kid meets human being with limited patience. The kid touches everything no matter what the well-meaning nanny says because he’s a spoiled brat. The nanny comes up with a plan, that plan may or may not cause permanent damage in some way. It may or may not be hilarious. Moral of the story: Stop touching shit. (This is both literal and figurative)

1. Evie: A good kid gets scared by a tall guy in a big coat. Said good kid takes off running yelling for help but because people are essentially assholes glued to their phones no one does. The kid starts to sweat from the running away and their vision is momentarily impaired causing them to run into something and bust their head open a bit. The tall guy rushed to help the kid with a first aid kit. Moral of the story A: Not all tall, dark and seemingly-creepy guys actually are. Moral of the story B: Good people, primarily girls, can wind up in precarious situations with skirts not properly positioned and have a totally viable excuse for it. Moral of the Story C: Exercise is dangerous, knock it off.

I don’t know if I properly conveyed my enjoyment of this collection of short stories well, but nevertheless I certainly did! If you want a little humorous read this is a great choice.

Rating: 4/5

[Rosie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I didn't enjoy this one at all, didn't find it funny. The book reads as a collection of violent rants about the job, punctuated by declarations of more generalized rage. It seemed to me more like an attempt at anger management therapy than a book meant to be published and read by the general public. If left up to me, I certainly wouldn't have classified this as humorous - dark or otherwise. I was really disappointed when I got to the end - I'd been hoping that the author's note in the beginning about hating her former charges was sarcasm, but by the time I finished, I felt like she'd been telling the bald truth, and that just seems really sad to me. Maybe I just didn't get it, though.

[Justin Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of those books you read and go, "WTF did I just read?" However, you laugh throughout it and can't wait to tell others. It's ten short stories that, as the name of the book implies, aren't exactly safe for kids. They are however, some of the funniest things I've ever read. Most of them will throw you for a loop when you get to the end of the story and find out what happened, but there was one in which I knew what was happening from the start of it. This was a great find on Kindle Books Unlimited. I hope to read more like this in the future.

[Ashley Moore · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think "unique" is the best word to describe this book. I love the concept behind it, and Antoinette Bergin has a sharp wit. These stories were funny, outrageous, ridiculous, and disturbing. Also, if you like a quick read, it's VERY short. The writing may be a little too simplistic for some readers, but it fits the "bedtime stories meant for children" theme. It's written as though these stories would be read to a child (have mercy), so this definitely isn't a literary masterpiece. All-in-all, it was an amusing way to spend half an hour.

[The Badger · Rating 4 out of 5]

If I weren't a child counselor, I'd recommend this to the parents of "certain" children. Unfortunately, I'm sure there's an ethical clause about not doing that sort of stuff. However, there is NO ethical clause about sending your nephews admission letters to Hogwarts when they turn nine, and then watching them walk into the wall at the train station. Sadly, my nephews are cats, so they run into walls on their own...

[Billie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I've read better and I've read worse than this short book of stories. I actually expected to like it better than I did. I don't really dig children - in an enjoy your own, I don't want them kind of way. I thought these would make me laugh and want to read them to some of my friends children (that is a joke, by the way). Anyways, some were good, some were bad, some comical. It is very, very short. Don't read these to kids with parents you like. Or that you want to keep as friends.

[Gina · Rating 3 out of 5]

ummmm. I'm not sure how I feel about this book. I bought it because of the title and the parts I read online were hilarious. I definitely did not enjoy the second story, "Will Fluffy Live Forever?" The other stories were a mix of feelings. While I enjoyed them I don't think I'd read most of them again. There were a couple that felt a bit underdeveloped, but that just left more room for the imagination. There were a few stories I truly enjoyed but overall I'm giving this a 3/5 rating.

[fruitcake · Rating 1 out of 5]

I don't know exactly what qualifies these as "bedtime stories," because there was nothing really bedtime-like about them. The tone was clearly for adults, and almost every story had at least one death in it. Probably would have been more enjoyable if it had been set up under a different title. Glad I got this one for free, because I didn't enjoy it much.

[Jessica · Rating 2 out of 5]

My Magical Kindle suggested this book to me after I finished another book. It was $0.99, so I gave it a shot. I read the book in a matter of hours, but I was still not impressed. I thought it would be a fun book about stories nannies *wish* they could have told, but they just were not engaging. And they were kinda weird. I usually like this kind of snark, but I just couldn't get into this one.

[Kat · Rating 4 out of 5]

From bear traps to serial killers to "apparitions" you never know what will happen next in these short stories meant to teach about the dangers and difficulties of life. Definitely much too dark to read to actual children, amusing and entertaining to this adult.

[Paul · Rating 3 out of 5]

The descriptively-titled Bedtime Stories for Children You Hate is a collection of dark short stories that are likely to amuse any adult who would pick up the book. The book should be kept away from actual children, of course.

[Kim · Rating 2 out of 5]

Really disappointed with this one - poorly designed book (could have gotten 2 more stars for looking like more of a treasure!), and I couldn't get past the typeface and lack of imagination when coupled with such a great title. ANd I so wanted to buy this book for all my nieces and nephews.....

[Lindsey Alcock · Rating 2 out of 5]

Whilst amusing, this self-published book seemed to have issues deciding whether it was a memoir, or actual bedtime stories. Still, some anecdotes made for an interesting read, all be it for adults rather than children.

[Kris · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was pretty horrible. Two of them were funny at least. Mostly they were just horrible and not even somewhat amusing. Only reason I got it at all was because it's available for free with Amzn Prime. Glad I didn't waste the 99c

[Lance Turnbull · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not great. I love the premise - short stories that don't go the way they tend to. Sadly, most of them aren't all that funny/interesting/not-terrible. Probably around a third of them are worth reading at all. Good thing it only cost a dollar.