All the tea in China: Which tells how Carolus Mortdecai Van Cleaf set out to seek his fortune in London Town, on the high seas, in India, the treaty ... has no longitude and precious little latitude

by Kyril Bonfiglioli

Kyril Bonfiglioli, the groundbreaking satirist whose writing The New Yorker described as "an unholy collaboration between P. G. Wodehouse and Ian Fleming," was truly a writer ahead of his time. In this hilarious novel, Bonfiglioli takes us back in time to an ironical maritime romp--Master and Commander by way of Monty Python.

Inspired by a shotgun blast in the seat of his breeches, young Karli Van Cleef quits his native Holland to seek his fortune. He arrives in early Victorian London and soon he is turning a pretty profit. But Karli sees that true opportunity flowers in India's fields of opium poppies and the treaty ports of the China coast. So he takes a berth in an opium clipper hell-bent for the Indies.

It is a journey beset with perils. Karli is confronted by the mountainous seas, high-piled plates of curry, and the ferocious penalties of the Articles of War. He survives the malice of the Boers, the hospitality of anthropophagi, and the horrors of Lancashire cooking. En route he acquires some interesting diseases, dangerous friends and enemies, a fortune, and a wife almost as good as new.

Fans and newcomers alike will revel in this picaresque tale of the early years of one of the men who helped make Britain great--for a consideration.

Genres: Historical Fiction, Fiction, Humor, Adventure, Novels, 19th Century, Mystery

258 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 1978

About the author

Kyril Bonfiglioli was variously an art dealer, editor, and writer.

He wrote four books featuring Charlie Mortdecai, three of which were published in his lifetime, and one posthumously as completed by the satirist Craig Brown. Charlie Mortdecai is the fictional art dealer anti-hero of the series. His character resembles, among other things, an amoral Bertie Wooster with occasional psychopathic tendencies. His books are still in print and have been translated into several different languages including Spanish, French, Italian, German and Japanese.

Bonfiglioli's style and novel structure have often been favourably compared to that of P. G. Wodehouse. Mortdecai and his manservant Jock Strapp bear a fun-house mirror relation to Wodehouse's Wooster and Jeeves. The author makes a nod to this comparison by having Mortdecai reference Wodehouse in the novels.

Reviews

[Emily Richards · Rating 4 out of 5]

Imagine the previously established character of Charlie Mortdecai, and you’ll not be far from his predecessor, Karli Van Cleff, complete with a strong dose of womanising, sexism and elitism. All the Tea in China propels Karli away from his home in Holland, far away from a recently impregnated country lass and his love affair with his cousin. Encouraged to flee public ridicule and punishment, his parents send him off to London with a wealth of china to make a new future.

Karli discovers he has a natural talent for bartering and selling china for extortionate rates, with the help of “You”, his obedient orphan servant. Together, they set sail with a motley crew and have adventures around the world in what becomes a quite surreal order of events.

Very entertaining read as long as you can submerse yourself in a light-hearted mood whereby you recognise the audience for this book is aimed at white men of a certain age...

A simple and acutely apt ending offers much satisfaction. May his future adventures remain a mystery.

[Chris Fowler · Rating 5 out of 5]

I came back to Bonfiglioli's books again and realised I had missed the odd one out...a ludicrously enjoyable picaresque romp that lies somewhere between Michael Green's 'Squire Haggard's Journal' and 'Pirates of the Caribbean'.
Dutch-Jewish china importer Karli Van Cleef finds himself in London with a case of Delft and a prodigious appetite for drink, food, sex and bargains, but ends up sailing to China on the opium/tea route. His adventures - scurrilous, filthy and horrifically callous, as befits the times - are gleefully recounted, but through them we sense a decent young man finding his way through the adventure of his life. The author's use of language is astonishing; you'll find yourself reaching for dictionaries now and again but there's a real salty flavour to his vocabulary.
It's large, loud and lurid, but erudite and very funny. I only wish there were more than four books from this wonderful author, or anyone like him today.

[Luke · Rating 4 out of 5]

Brilliant. Bonfiglioli tells the tale of one of the Mortdecai forebears. Tea, China, porcelain and enough nautical intrigue to keep you hooked follow, with bit so much cringing as found in the previous title. Rambunctious and fun.

[Abraham Lewik · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious fictional account of a Dutch Jew. A superb blend of whimsy, a dash of historical accuracy, sinful additives; more venial then mortal, world wide adventuring, and what I write cannot do it justice so read this book.

[Anna Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fun, a little like PG Wodehouse in style but lots more sex

[Ronald Koltnow · Rating 4 out of 5]

The picaresque novel is a Spanish invention, yet the British do it better than anyone. Kyril Bonfigliol wrote three novels and a fragment about the lovable rogue Charles Mortdecai, the most morally flexible art-dealer in England. In ALL THE TEA IN CHINA, Bonfiglioli gives us the morally reprehensible forebear of Mortdecai. Carolus Mortdecai Van Cleef, on the run from some sexual misadventures in his native Holland, establishes a China shop in England. Learning of the fortunes to be made in the opium and tea trades, Van Cleef joins a ship's crew and sets out to Asia to make his fortune. Along the way, Bonfiglioli pokes fun at The Empire, The East India Company, nautical adventure stories, and the nature of heroism. A man of great appetites, gustatory and amatory, Van Cleef, fits nicely into the tradition of Tom Jones and Sir Harry Paget Flashman. If this historical burlesque has any flaws, they are the result of too much research into the operations of a ship and the result of his love for his main character; the world Van Cleef finds himself in, although ethically challenged, is sort of welcoming. Bonfiglioli, called "a cross between P. G. Wodehouse and Ian Fleming" died far too young. This, his only historical novel, shows a flair that was nipped in its bitter bud.

[Mike · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderful reading.
The P. G. Wodehouse Society brought me to this.

Notes:
122...humorous bit on virgins
142...miserable effing maniac
227...paltering with the truth
231...fatigue and illness had bereft us of the sense which would have told a clear-minded person to lie down and die.
254...it makes me shudder to think of the cost of the cox-combs, plates, crayfish, and other rarities which were called for. (I shall perhaps append the receipt to this memoir of mine, but I know how much you love these little legacies en souvenir.)
261...acknowledgements well done

[Troop Leader]

Hrmmmph! I have completed all known works by this author, known to me anyway. I love the vocabulary, the dialogue, & the humor. I can even handle the mysogyny.
These stories are funny. They are sometimes bloody and violent. It's the mixture of this very intense recipe that is off for me. I wish Kyril Bonfiglioli could have lived to wrote more and perfect his craft. Gifted writer no doubt.

[Guybee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good read, not quite as clever as The Mortdecai Trilogy, and with some seriously cringy moments, but overall still hard to put down.

[Jan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very enjoyable read, good vocabulary, interesting style. A bit like reading Stephen Fry.

[Becky Dale · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very dry humour. Which means excellent.
Pretty sure Bonfiglioli thought his protagonist was completely ignorant. Which is also excellent.

[Dan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Blackadder meets PG Wodehouse

[Richard Spring · Rating 4 out of 5]

brilliant

[Dónal Murray · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found it hard to get into, but once I got used to his writing style and the myriad antiquated sailing terms he uses it rattled along nicely. Hilarious in parts and well written with a pretty insane and unpredictable storyline. Falls a bit short of his Charlie Montdecai series but still enjoyable reading.

[Jess · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was really funny in places, some laugh out loud lines. Loved the ending and some of the deals Mordecai made, but on the whole I struggled with a lot of it. It was repetitive and seemed to focus on one theme which ruined the good story that seemed to be in the background. It was a shame it didn't focus on seafaring and exploration.

[Tom Trondson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Swashbuckling, high seas adventure with a dash of gallows humor, sex, violence; a coming of age story. Strange, but I thought of Voltaire when I read it. Inventive language and turns of plot. Recommend.

[George · Rating 5 out of 5]

Most enjoyable fiction book I read in 2017. I’m looking forward to reading it again.

[Jean Nicholson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed the first part of this but towards the end felt it was too extreme.

[Ella · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not as good as the amazing Mortdecai series.

[Carter Bowman · Rating 5 out of 5]

A swashbuckling good time.

[Keren Lilley · Rating 1 out of 5]

Maybe it would have improved if I'd read beyond the first chapter, but I couldn't stomach the misogyny.

[Richard Burrage · Rating 4 out of 5]

Once you get past the main character's mysoginistic worldview, which will likely offend many readers, this is quite a funny and entertaining historical romp.

[Allen Duarte · Rating 3 out of 5]

Never quite reaches exit velocity.

[Shinn Alan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mildly amusing tale of adventures on an old time sailing ship

[Abigail Rae · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book, will be reading it again!

[Peter · Rating 5 out of 5]

ignore the cover this book is so good

[Leslie Inglis · Rating 2 out of 5]

Made it half way through and couldn't be bothered to finish. I was willing to put the cringy scenes aside for the sake of satire but this book doesn't deserve the accommodation. I hope this is not a reflection upon the main Mortdecai trilogy.

[ben · Rating 2 out of 5]

All right, never got that into it though…

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

Flashman meets engages in criminal conversation with Captain Aubrey and Dr. Maturin.

A ripping yarn, anyway.

[Baronda Bradley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Only halfway through, and there have been three references to Jane Austen--whom the main character thinks is really a man. A hoot!

Will also have to check if there was a sequel.