Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

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Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

4.24 of 5 stars 4.24 · rating details · 799 ratings · 174 reviews

A psychologist with a reputation for penetrating to the heart of complex parenting issues joins forces with a physician and bestselling author to tackle one of the most disturbing and misunderstood trends of our time -- peers replacing parents in the lives of our children.

Dr. Neufeld has dubbed this phenomenon peer orientation, which refers to the tendency of children and...more A psychologist with a reputation for penetrating to the heart of complex parenting issues joins forces with a physician and bestselling author to tackle one of the most disturbing and misunderstood trends of our time -- peers replacing parents in the lives of our children.

Dr. Neufeld has dubbed this phenomenon peer orientation, which refers to the tendency of children and youth to look to their peers for direction: for a sense of right and wrong, for values, identity and codes of behaviour. But peer orientation undermines family cohesion, poisons the school atmosphere, and fosters an aggressively hostile and sexualized youth culture. It provides a powerful explanation for schoolyard bullying and youth violence; its effects are painfully evident in the context of teenage gangs and criminal activity, in tragedies such as in Littleton, Colorado; Tabor, Alberta and Victoria, B.C. It is an escalating trend that has never been adequately described or contested until Hold On to Your Kids. Once understood, it becomes self-evident -- as do the solutions.

Hold On to Your Kids will restore parenting to its natural intuitive basis and the parent-child relationship to its rightful preeminence. The concepts, principles and practical advice contained in Hold On to Your Kids will empower parents to satisfy their children’s inborn need to find direction by turning towards a source of authority, contact and warmth.

Something has changed. One can sense it, one can feel it, just not find the words for it. Children are not quite the same as we remember being. They seem less likely to take their cues from adults, less inclined to please those in charge, less afraid of getting into trouble. Parenting, too, seems to have changed. Our parents seemed more confident, more certain of themselves and had more impact on us, for better or for worse. For many, parenting does not feel natural. Adults through the ages have complained about children being less respectful of their elders and more difficult to manage than preceding generations, but could it be that this time it is for real? -- from Hold On to Your Kids

From the Hardcover edition.(less)

Paperback, 320 pages

Published August 15th 2006 by Ballantine Books (first published 2004)

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Apr 19, 2008 Genet rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition Recommends it for: all parents, and anyone thinking of becoming a parent!

Recommended to Genet by: Alison Bennett

My favorite parenting book of all time. While it is not extremely well-written (in a literary or organizational sense), I absolutely love and believe in the ideas presented in this book. Neufeld very clearly identifies the underlying problems in our culture that pull our children away from us. Children need to attach to parents, grandparents, and other adults who can help them develop a true sense of self. We are robbing our children (and ourselves) when we push them too quickly out into the wor...more

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Jan 19, 2008 Tara Hendricks rated it 4 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Children need to know in very concrete ways that you and the other adults in their lives are available to them always and for all things. I really liked this book because it gave me good ideas for ensuring that my children turn to me (and other adults that I trust), lean on me and stay attached to me as they grow. This book shows how very important it is for children to be attached to the adults in their lives. Their parents, their teachers, their grandparents, or family friends. If they don't h...more

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May 05, 2009 Wendee rated it 4 of 5 stars

Shelves: educating-children, sociology-psychology

Polarization occurs in relationships, which explains why youth shun their parents when they attach to their peers... they can't see how to have both connections. It is soooo important for parents to spend plenty of time with their kids in fun engaging activities.

For me, this is one of the main reasons I homeschool... I could never find enough time to spend with my children when they were gone from 8am to 4pm and then racing off to other activities when they weren't at school. Now, I can actually...more

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Oct 14, 2008 Jessica rated it 5 of 5 stars

if i could file-copy Neufeld's brain and upload it into my own I would be there in a heartbeat! lol. his passion seems to be in regards to the attachment of children to their parents, and the need for children to be attached to a caring adult rather than to their peers. his DVD seminars are great as well!

Neufeld is also against 'time outs.' i'll butcher the reasons he gave and you really ought to read the book, but basically he calls for a 'time in.' the need to re-collect our kiddos, kind of li...more

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Aug 02, 2011 Heidi Thorsen added it

I thought the first part of the book where the author gives examples of the horrors that can result when kids are "peer oriented" went on a bit too long, but did find the chapters where he eventually got around to explaining concrete steps to take to maintain parental attachment while avoiding or reversing peer attachment to be useful.

Before reading this book, I thought kids would "attach" to their parents based largely on the sheer quantity of time they spent together, but the authors have exp...more

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Aug 30, 2012 Eva Musby rated it 5 of 5 stars

I'd recommend this to any parent, but I'm writing this review from the point of view of a parent whose child suffered from anorexia. What you’ll find in this book is very, very relevant to parenting a child with anorexia, especially if you’re hesitant about your strong role around meals, or if you feel tempted to give up when your child screams how much they hate you because you are asking them to eat. It will help you clarify your role as a supportive, caring parent who does what’s needed witho...more

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Jun 22, 2012 Wendy rated it 5 of 5 stars

I thought this book was excellent. It really highlighted so many problems that we have in society and the writing style, as another reviewer pointed out is a bit alarmist and I think it is warranted. As a society we are losing our children! The rise in bullying and ADHD diagnosis/difficulty teaching are addressed and it all makes sense!

I picked up this book because I am a parent and am interested in child development. It later came into use and I subsequently bought THREE more copies of the boo...more

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Jan 11, 2010 Jen rated it 5 of 5 stars

Here's what I put on my blog about it:

A few months ago a friend blogged about a book she had read. Seeing how it seemed to have an impact on her and respecting her as a seriously amazing mom, I decided to pick it up. She was right. It was one of those books that I would try to relay to Ryan after every chapter I read. (And he even listened, which is sort of, um, rare.) It's obviously a little older than the stage my kids are at, but I'm glad I read it before I get to that point where your kids a...more Here's what I put on my blog about it:

A few months ago a friend blogged about a book she had read. Seeing how it seemed to have an impact on her and respecting her as a seriously amazing mom, I decided to pick it up. She was right. It was one of those books that I would try to relay to Ryan after every chapter I read. (And he even listened, which is sort of, um, rare.) It's obviously a little older than the stage my kids are at, but I'm glad I read it before I get to that point where your kids are annoyed when you're around and just want to be with their friends, because it also seems like something you should just make your lifestyle. Practice makes perfect, and it would be nice to get it figured out before you really need it, you know? Besides the fact that it's not like it happens overnight, and I was amazed to see how early on the seeds of peer orientation are sewn.

Part of the basic idea is that the natural order is for things to be passed on from older generations to the younger ones - knowledge, ideas, values, how to act, talk, dress, etc. It's that way in all of nature - animals and humans. Or it used to be. In the last few generations there has been a huge shift in that kids now look more to their peers for this information rather than adults. So much so, that I didn't even realize it wasn't normal when I was first reading this book! But as the author says, anyone reading the book probably grew up that way and so we don't even realize it's a problem. So now we have generations of immature children - being raised by other immature children. Even language and vocabulary has dropped as a result because they're getting their language (or lack thereof) from each other. His idea is that this has resulted in a whole lot of the issues that we see in society now - children who want nothing to do with adults, can't socialize with adults, children who are more aggressive, more calloused, don't feel emotion, don't engage in meaningful relationships, have their curiosity stamped out because it's not "cool," are more sexually promiscuous with less feeling about it, families falling apart, parents who have lost the power to parent their children, and kids who will follow their skewed instincts to stay close to their peers at all costs. His theory is that we all have a basic instinct or need for attachment, and when that is not met or strong enough with parents, kids will shift that need to peers to fill it, with the costly loss of parental attachment, which causes parents to lose the power to parent their children because the children are no longer looking to them for cues about anything.

I'd love to tell you all the great ideas from the whole book, but I wouldn't do it justice and really you should just read it. It really has made me think a lot about my own life, my own parenting, and did make me notice a lot of the things that did go right. Like my mom always having lots of big family dinners. We always had extended family around and always intermingled with the generations, playing games and talking. I also think of how much the church is inspired in this way - from it's strong emphasis on families and family time, to always ensuring that there were caring adults who played a big part in your life (leaders and Sunday school teachers and such) and helped your own parents get to know people you were associating with better, along with their families. It also made me resolve to be a better friend to other kids - to get to know my friend's kids better or other kids at church who could benefit from another caring adult in their life. I'll admit - this is hard for me. I've never been a real kid person, so having my own children I've had to be totally focused inward just to take care of my own little family, especially once the twins came along. I have a hard enough time paying attention to my own kids, let alone someone else's, but I always love it when friends have a genuine interest in my kids. And that's part of his suggestions is to have a big network of caring adults, family members, and friends to be a part of your children's lives. To help them attach to other positive adults rather than to a bunch of peers you know nothing about and that they want to leave your company to spend every waking minute with. He says, "The greater the number of caring adults in a child's life, the more immune he or she will be to peer orientation."

It did, however, make me more anxious about sending my kids to school here, especially given their personalities, and made me realize where you live and what kind of neighborhood and school area you're in could possibly have a huge impact on how your kids grow up - for better or worse. I was also interested to see how much applied to teachers and teaching and how much attachment plays a part in learning.

I even thought some of the advice was applicable to my marriage - like remembering the relationship is more important than the behavior. That's a good one. And that filling someone's need for attention when they're begging for it really doesn't fill the need; it's only when it's spontaneously given that it really satisfies. (Um, ok, that one wasn't actually for me. HINT.)

The one thing I didn't like as much was that even though the things he was suggesting seemed to point to it, he never said much about how staying home with your kids rather than working would be a good idea. I'm pretty sure his own wife and mother must have worked out of the home because he just sort of brushed it off as not being practical in today's world and just told you how to deal with it since you would probably be out working. It just seemed like so many other things he was suggesting were different from the societal norm that it seems like he could have given it some weight as at least being beneficial to your children and worth the effort to make it work.

Anyway, all in all, the author is not saying friends are bad, just that there should be adults around, and ideally you would be involved with your children and their friends and their families. He even goes into better ways to discipline to help preserve your relationship with your kids rather than hurt it. That's going to take some creativity on my part and I'll have to see what works for us.

Even with how much I liked the book though, I'll have to say it did take me about 3 or 4 months to read it. I just have trouble when they're not gripping page-turners! Alright, enough already, but I highly recommend it! (less)

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Sep 24, 2009 Corinne rated it 5 of 5 stars

The premise of this astounding book is that in today's culture, more and more children are living their lives being more attached to their peers than their parents. Sound mind-blowing? Maybe not, but at the soul of this book is the idea that our attachment to our children is the one crucial thing that our children cannot truly grow-up without. The book goes in-depth into attachment theory, but not so deep that you can't find your way out again and understand how necessary it is. We learn about h...more The premise of this astounding book is that in today's culture, more and more children are living their lives being more attached to their peers than their parents. Sound mind-blowing? Maybe not, but at the soul of this book is the idea that our attachment to our children is the one crucial thing that our children cannot truly grow-up without. The book goes in-depth into attachment theory, but not so deep that you can't find your way out again and understand how necessary it is. We learn about how this "peer attachment" can undermine parenting and what happens to children when they are learning their values from people their own age instead of from their parents and grandparents. "Bullies" and their tactics are pieced apart. But not only do we read the gloom and doom of what can happen to peer-oriented children - the entire last section is how, if they're already "lost," we can win them back. And if we still have our children attached to us, we learn ways to help them be truly independent and mature young adults.

The structure of the book is very linear - the lead author makes a generalized point and then several smaller sections expound on different portions of that general point. This worked for me, but some folks might find it pretty repetitive. I usually need that in non-fiction, otherwise I forget important things. The writing is very readable and I loved all the anecdotal stories, they made the things I was learning much more concrete - even though some of the examples made me feel terrified for my children to grow up any more than they already have.

I must have underlined half of this book, I found so many statements that rang true in a new way - it took me to places in my parenting mind that I have just never thought about, at least not consciously. Some sections gave me chills, they hit so close to home. I read so slowly that I had chances to try out some of the ideas as I read and I actually saw it - I actually saw that helping my son move from anger over something into sadness over it actually dissipated their frustration.

I have already passed on the name of this book to four people. I want to pass it on to everyone. I am looking at my kids and the way I deal with them in an entirely new way. And what does that mean? It means more parenting for me. More time invested in the three people that will give me the most satisfaction in the end: my kids.(less)

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Sep 23, 2007 Cheryl rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: all parents, maybe educators

Neufeld suggests children lose attachment to their families as they slowly develop attachment to their peers. This makes perfect sense and the way he lays out the background of family/friend contact over history really seemed plausible. This whole topic fascinates me. I also agreed with his ideas about how to rebuild attachment. I did find myself disagreeing with a few things the author wrote -can't exactly remember them, sorry. But overrall, his ideas were inspirational to me.

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Dec 14, 2011 Michael rated it 5 of 5 stars

I definitely underestimated this book. This is why it languished on the shelf for a few years before I picked it up. I expected yet another underwhelming parenting book. Instead I encountered a revolutionary interpretation of the role of attachment in the lives of our youngsters and an exploration of the implications of this on our culture and our role as parents. The basic neurodevelopmental role of attachment in the establishment of natural authority is explained and the toxic influences of mo...more

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Aug 21, 2010 Ruth rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: other-nonfiction

This is probably the best parenting book I have ever read. It explains so much about peer-dominated culture, why it keeps getting worse, and why kids succumb to it at younger and younger ages.

As our kids grow up, they are put into far too many situations where they are expected to develop dependent relationships on their peers rather than on mature adults. Classroom sizes are too big, parents are too busy with work or life stresses or only one parent is present, families are often isolated from...more This is probably the best parenting book I have ever read. It explains so much about peer-dominated culture, why it keeps getting worse, and why kids succumb to it at younger and younger ages.

As our kids grow up, they are put into far too many situations where they are expected to develop dependent relationships on their peers rather than on mature adults. Classroom sizes are too big, parents are too busy with work or life stresses or only one parent is present, families are often isolated from extended family that used to have such a large role in raising children, and adults that children can develop meaningful relationships with are few and far between. Instead, our children develop dependent relationships with peers that are too immature to offer them the wisdom, guidance, and most importantly, the unconditional love and acceptance that their parents should be providing them with. Once a child has shifted his attachment from parents to peers, parenting power is lost and the parent's input is no longer valued. These kids then try to win the approval of their peers by conforming, bullying, rejecting adults, engaging in dangerous behaviors, seeking to form bonds through sexual experiences at younger and younger ages. They seek the unconditional love that other immature children cannot give them, and when they don't get it the results are anger, suicide, self-mutilation, alcohol and drug consumption, and just about every other ill that is plaguing the youth of today.

Kids who attach to other kids rather than mature adults are not free to develop their true selves. Peer-oriented kids are expected to conform, to hide their differences, to not seem too interested in anything that is not "cool," to spend all of their time trying to connect and manage unwieldy relationships with their friends, to stay on top of who is doing what with whom, all the while burying their vulnerable feelings, their curiosities, their unique ideas. These kids never have the ability to actually grow up, to embrace their true selves, to mature into a unique, confident individual. Now we have kids who have graduated from college with no idea who they are or what they are interested in. All of their energies during their formative years have been spent on fitting in with their peers. They have no self confidence, and are unable to behave like responsible adults. When adult influence is cut out of their lives at such a young age, it's no wonder that these young people have stunted maturity.

This book gives great advice on how to keep this from happening to your own kids, or for reversing it if it has already happened. We need to connect with out kids as the first part of any interaction we have with them. So often parenting turns into a management exercise rather than a relationship exercise. I am guilty of this myself. We need to be the pole that our children are magnetically drawn to, the safe place that they seek out when they are hurt or confused or need guidance. They need to feel loved, cherished, and accepted despite their shortcomings or even their behaviors toward us. We also need to encourage our kids to develop relationships with other children who have strong attachments to their own parents. We need to become more family oriented in our activities, rather than having parent-only and child-only interactions. Most of all, we need to give our children the attention and unconditional acceptance that they need in order to develop properly. If they don't get it from us, they will try to find it somewhere else - and the results might be disastrous. (less)

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Apr 09, 2013 Rudy Dyck rated it 4 of 5 stars

I give this book 4 stars as a resource book. Quite frankly some of the material in here is fantastic and deserves a higher rating. However the book would be 2 stars at best if I ranked it for enjoyable reading. It reads more like a textbook.

Gordon Neufeld shares his work on the problems of kids and their relationships with their parents which he attributes to not enough time spent together. Their is a price to pay for daycare but there are ways to overcome it.

There are a number of stories, stati...more

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Apr 05, 2013 Jamie Maltman rated it 5 of 5 stars

Read this for your kids' sake. I very strongly recommend this book to all current and future parents.

If your kids are little or not born yet, you'll find some very good principles to work with to build the best relationship possible for your kids to prepare them for life.

If your kids are older, this book may help you understand the roots of current or future conflicts, and how working on the relationship and attachment will help you navigate through these.

This is expecially important for fami...more

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Jun 17, 2011 Willa added it

Shelves: 52-books-in-2011

This is one of my favorite parenting books. I have reread it several times and always get something valuable to take away from it. It describes vividly the same peer-orientation behavior that you see in books like Reviving Ophelia and Odd Girl Out. I like the way the authors write, and find their insight almost always convincing.

What distinguishes their book from other parenting manuals is that as it says, it does not simply offer a list of strategies. The authors say that thinking of parenting...more

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Apr 04, 2012 Zane rated it 4 of 5 stars

This book solidifies the importance of parents in the lives of children. I also like how the book looked at the idea of how children are raising children. As an educator myself I note how influential modeling can be and also the lack of modeling when parents delegate the responsibility of raising their children to others. The other interesting note is how globalization is changing the structure of families. The idea of community and having an aunt or uncle to be there to help mentor or guide a c...more

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Oct 15, 2010 reed rated it 2 of 5 stars

I picked this up because I heard about the author's concept of counterwill - that innate human tendency to resist when someone tries to control you. But I was turned off by his "kids these days" rhetoric. Didn't make it past the first chapter.

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Jan 24, 2010 Christina rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: non-fiction, parenthood, psychology, self-help

I picked up the book "Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers" by Gordon Neufeld, and I did not put it down until I finished all 279 pages of it, including the glossary. Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. is an expert on child development and his co-author Gabor Mate, M.D. Together they provide a sobering look at what "peer orientation" is and why it stunts the emotional maturation of our children. The devastating effects of this all-too-common phenomenon are seen everyday, from chil...more

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May 15, 2009 Jennifer rated it 4 of 5 stars

This is an important book about maintaining your connection to your children as they grow older. Neufeld argues that having teens pull away from their parents and orient to their peers is not a natural process (only developing in the last few generations) and is very unhealthy for kids and society as a whole. I thought he spent too much time on his explanation of the problem, though. I would have preferred more discussion of strategies of maintaining and strengthening attachment.

Edit:
I forgot to...more

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Apr 05, 2013 Samira Kawash rated it 5 of 5 stars

My daughter is turning 10, and this book came at just the right time. The author shows the danger of allowing our children to become peer-oriented rather than parent-oriented, and the importance of maintaining strong, supportive relations between parents and children even as our children mature and become more independent. Friends are NOT the most important thing; they are other children, by nature irresponsible and unreliable. Neufeld argues that by keeping out kids firmly attached to us, their...more

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Apr 11, 2012 Stephanie rated it 5 of 5 stars

Fantastic book, one of the best parenting books that I have read. The theory is amazing, potent, relevant, and laid out very clearly, with many examples. This may be an updated version compared to the one I read, but it would be mainly the same. This book is a heavy read b/c it is full of relevant content, but it is compelling at the same time. I originally borrowed this book from the library but ended up buying it b/c I knew that I needed to reread much of the book to really grasp all of the su...more

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Aug 28, 2011 Rorie rated it 4 of 5 stars

This the attachment parenting book to read after you can't carry them in slings anymore, they've stopped breastfeeding, and they're out of the family bed....almost. This book explained A LOT of what ails us as a society and what ails (sad to say) a LOT of young people. The book goes on a bit too long about what is wrong ( all right I GET it already) but overall a very important read for anyone coming into contact with non-adults. I want to get one for every parent I know. I've tried some of the...more

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Jan 22, 2011 Go2therock rated it 5 of 5 stars

This book warrants a thorough reading by any and all parents. I could invest in a discussion on a page by page basis. Although it is a secular book, there is a tremendous amount of parenting wisdom within. Being an adoptive mother, I was familiar with the issue of Attachment. But I had never made the connection of Attachment as a purely parental-child foundation. I really connected it in my mind as an issue of adoption. However, as I reflected upon all five of my children and the years we have s...more

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Mar 03, 2012 Robina rated it 3 of 5 stars

I found myself really ambivalent about this book. While I found myself nodding in agreement about some of the ways in which American parenting has gone wrong and lost perspective, I also found the complete disavowal of peer relationships to be a bit absurd. I did like some of the suggestions for "positive discipline" at the end and the way in which such suggestions are rooted in the repair of connection first and foremost, but overall I found myself feeling a little antagonistic to the book. But...more

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Aug 26, 2011 Tia rated it 5 of 5 stars

Shelves: parenting

Absolutely one of my favorite advice/parenting books on the market today!

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Oct 30, 2012 Darlene rated it 5 of 5 stars · review of another edition

Shelves: audiobook, books-given-for-review

I received this audiobook from the publisher in exchange for an honest review. I did not receive any compensation for my review, and the views expressed herein are my own.

This is an invaluable resource for any parent who is concerned about the effects of peers on their children.

The advice given by Drs. Neufeld and Maté really resonated with me, and it validated my instinctual parenting practices. I have always been a proponent of attachment parenting, and I consider my children's attachment bond...more

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Mar 01, 2012 Laura rated it 5 of 5 stars

I had heard of this book a few times in the past and was never interested in reading it because the title sounded to me like, "how to be a nightmare helicopter parent that gives your child no freedom or space" That is NOT what this book is about. The message of this book is extremely important and has hugely influenced my parenting. I am so grateful to have discovered this book BEFORE my children hit the teen years so that I can lay the groundwork now for a good relationship later. A good relati...more

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Nov 13, 2009 Sarah rated it 4 of 5 stars Recommends it for: New Parents

I slso rate this book a 5 for content and a 2 for writing. It is terribly repetitive and poorly organized. However, Neufeld very clearly identifies peer orientation as the underlying problem in our culture that pulls our children away from us. Children need to attach to parents, grandparents, and other adults who can help them mature and develop a true sense of self. I love what one reviewer wrote, "We are robbing our children (and ourselves) when we push them too quickly out into the world with...more

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Jul 15, 2012 Nora rated it 4 of 5 stars

I really appreciated this book very much. Dr. Gabor Mate signed this book for me when I bought it at a conference. He had done an outstanding presentation.In the book he explained how to reach the teens who were so much in search of finding their identities through their relationship with peers and in some cases were excluding their parents completely.He had some humorous bits about teens and their attachment to their technology devices and explained how both a relationship to family and peers i...more

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Jan 02, 2013 Andrea Paterson rated it 2 of 5 stars

Shelves: pregnancy-parenting

There are some good ideas in this book, but they don't happen until more than half way through. Far too much of this book is dedicated to repetitively outlining the horrors that will befall children if they become peer rather than adult oriented. Neufeld goes too far in driving home the point that parents will end up with completely screwed up children if they don't follow his advice and attach to their children properly. I was annoyed with the tone of the opening chapters and the insinuation th...more

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About Gordon Neufeld

Dr. Gordon Neufeld is a Vancouver-based developmental psychologist who consults with parents and professionals regarding children and their problems. He brings to us his unique synthesis of the developmental literature and his exceptional ability to make children understandable. He has a widespread reputation for being able to make sense of difficult and complex problems and for opening doors for...more

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“The key to activating maturation is to take care of the attachment needs of the child. To foster independance we must first invite dependance; to promote individuation we must provide a sense of belonging and unity; to help the child separate we must assume the responsibility for keeping the child close. We help a child let go by providing more contact and connection than he himself is seeking. When he asks for a hug, we give him a warmer one than he is giving us. We liberate children not by making them work for our love but by letting them rest in it. We help a child face the separation involved in going to sleep or going to school by satisfying his need for closeness.” — 4 people liked it

“Children learn best when they like their teacher and they think their teacher likes them.” — 4 people liked it

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