A psychologist with a reputation for penetrating to the heart of complex parenting issues joins forces with a physician and bestselling author to t...
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Apr 19, 2008
Genet
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My favorite parenting book of all time. While it is not extremely well-written (in a literary or organizational sense), I absolutely love and believe in the ideas presented in this book. Neufeld very clearly identifies the underlying problems in our culture that pull our children away from us. Children need to attach to parents, grandparents, and other adults who can help them develop a true sense of self. We are robbing our children (and ourselves) when we push them too quickly out into the wor
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Jan 19, 2008
Tara
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Children need to know in very concrete ways that you and the other adults in their lives are available to them always and for all things. I really liked this book because it gave me good ideas for ensuring that my children turn to me (and other adults that I trust), lean on me and stay attached to me as they grow. This book shows how very important it is for children to be attached to the adults in their lives. Their parents, their teachers, their grandparents, or family friends. If they don'
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May 05, 2009
Wendee
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Polarization occurs in relationships, which explains why youth shun their parents when they attach to their peers... they can't see how to have both connections. It is soooo important for parents to spend plenty of time with their kids in fun engaging activities.
For me, this is one of the main reasons I homeschool... I could never find enough time to spend with my children when they were gone from 8am to 4pm and then racing off to other activities when they weren't at school. Now, I More...
For me, this is one of the main reasons I homeschool... I could never find enough time to spend with my children when they were gone from 8am to 4pm and then racing off to other activities when they weren't at school. Now, I More...
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Oct 14, 2008
Jessica
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if i could file-copy Neufeld's brain and upload it into my own I would be there in a heartbeat! lol. his passion seems to be in regards to the attachment of children to their parents, and the need for children to be attached to a caring adult rather than to their peers. his DVD seminars are great as well!
Neufeld is also against 'time outs.' i'll butcher the reasons he gave and you really ought to read the book, but basically he calls for a 'time in.' the need to re-collect our kiddos More...
Neufeld is also against 'time outs.' i'll butcher the reasons he gave and you really ought to read the book, but basically he calls for a 'time in.' the need to re-collect our kiddos More...
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Aug 02, 2011
I thought the first part of the book where the author gives examples of the horrors that can result when kids are "peer oriented" went on a bit too long, but did find the chapters where he eventually got around to explaining concrete steps to take to maintain parental attachment while avoiding or reversing peer attachment to be useful.
Before reading this book, I thought kids would "attach" to their parents based largely on the sheer quantity of time they spent together, but More...
Before reading this book, I thought kids would "attach" to their parents based largely on the sheer quantity of time they spent together, but More...
Feb 02, 2012
MJ
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I loved this book. I would give it 4 1/2 stars only because the blame on peer attachments for maladaptive behaviors in kids tended to be quite long winded. The point is clear, and probably obvious for any parent already practicing attachment parenting. The cultivation, practice and reinforcement of the parent-child relationship is absolutely primary in healthy child development. Having only learned about attachment parenting a few years ago, when my children were 7 and 5, this book is a welcome
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May 07, 2010
Marissa
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This is a great book which I expect to have a profound effect on my parenting. The main premise--that today's culture has "flatlined" (i.e. lost the vertical transfer of values from elders to youth) as a result of children being more attached to their peers than to their parents, rang true to me. As a teacher, I saw that the majority of my students were strongly influenced by their peers and their shared experiences of popular culture--a situation that frustrated parents and left the
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Jan 11, 2010
Jen
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Here's what I put on my blog about it:
A few months ago a friend blogged about a book she had read. Seeing how it seemed to have an impact on her and respecting her as a seriously amazing mom, I decided to pick it up. She was right. It was one of those books that I would try to relay to Ryan after every chapter I read. (And he even listened, which is sort of, um, rare.) It's obviously a little older than the stage my kids are at, but I'm glad I read it before I get to that point where More...
A few months ago a friend blogged about a book she had read. Seeing how it seemed to have an impact on her and respecting her as a seriously amazing mom, I decided to pick it up. She was right. It was one of those books that I would try to relay to Ryan after every chapter I read. (And he even listened, which is sort of, um, rare.) It's obviously a little older than the stage my kids are at, but I'm glad I read it before I get to that point where More...
Sep 24, 2009
Corinne
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The premise of this astounding book is that in today's culture, more and more children are living their lives being more attached to their peers than their parents. Sound mind-blowing? Maybe not, but at the soul of this book is the idea that our attachment to our children is the one crucial thing that our children cannot truly grow-up without. The book goes in-depth into attachment theory, but not so deep that you can't find your way out again and understand how necessary it is. We learn about h
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May 29, 2011
Cheryl
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Neufeld suggests children lose attachment to their families as they slowly develop attachment to their peers. This makes perfect sense and the way he lays out the background of family/friend contact over history really seemed plausible. This whole topic fascinates me. I also agreed with his ideas about how to rebuild attachment. I did find myself disagreeing with a few things the author wrote -can't exactly remember them, sorry. But overrall, his ideas were inspirational to me.
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Dec 14, 2011
Michael
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I definitely underestimated this book. This is why it languished on the shelf for a few years before I picked it up. I expected yet another underwhelming parenting book. Instead I encountered a revolutionary interpretation of the role of attachment in the lives of our youngsters and an exploration of the implications of this on our culture and our role as parents. The basic neurodevelopmental role of attachment in the establishment of natural authority is explained and the toxic influences of mo
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Dec 06, 2010
Becky
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I was disappointed in this book, which had such amazing reviews on Amazon. While I agreed with the authors' overall premise about the importance of attachment relationships with parents and adults throughout childhood, I just could not go as far as he did about the insidious nature of childhood friends. He does not believe that children are developmentally mature enough to have friends in the sense that adults define them - this may be true of some children, but the authors fail to provide any w
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Aug 21, 2010
Ruth
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This is probably the best parenting book I have ever read. It explains so much about peer-dominated culture, why it keeps getting worse, and why kids succumb to it at younger and younger ages.
As our kids grow up, they are put into far too many situations where they are expected to develop dependent relationships on their peers rather than on mature adults. Classroom sizes are too big, parents are too busy with work or life stresses or only one parent is present, families are ofte More...
As our kids grow up, they are put into far too many situations where they are expected to develop dependent relationships on their peers rather than on mature adults. Classroom sizes are too big, parents are too busy with work or life stresses or only one parent is present, families are ofte More...
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Jun 17, 2011
This is one of my favorite parenting books. I have reread it several times and always get something valuable to take away from it. It describes vividly the same peer-orientation behavior that you see in books like Reviving Ophelia and Odd Girl Out. I like the way the authors write, and find their insight almost always convincing.
What distinguishes their book from other parenting manuals is that as it says, it does not simply offer a list of strategies. The authors say that thinki More...
What distinguishes their book from other parenting manuals is that as it says, it does not simply offer a list of strategies. The authors say that thinki More...
Oct 15, 2010
reed
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I picked this up because I heard about the author's concept of counterwill - that innate human tendency to resist when someone tries to control you. But I was turned off by his "kids these days" rhetoric. Didn't make it past the first chapter.
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Jan 24, 2010
Christina
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I picked up the book "Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers" by Gordon Neufeld, and I did not put it down until I finished all 279 pages of it, including the glossary. Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. is an expert on child development and his co-author Gabor Mate, M.D. Together they provide a sobering look at what "peer orientation" is and why it stunts the emotional maturation of our children. The devastating effects of this all-too-common phenomenon are seen
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May 15, 2009
Jennifer
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This is an important book about maintaining your connection to your children as they grow older. Neufeld argues that having teens pull away from their parents and orient to their peers is not a natural process (only developing in the last few generations) and is very unhealthy for kids and society as a whole. I thought he spent too much time on his explanation of the problem, though. I would have preferred more discussion of strategies of maintaining and strengthening attachment.
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Aug 28, 2011
Rorie
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This the attachment parenting book to read after you can't carry them in slings anymore, they've stopped breastfeeding, and they're out of the family bed....almost. This book explained A LOT of what ails us as a society and what ails (sad to say) a LOT of young people. The book goes on a bit too long about what is wrong ( all right I GET it already) but overall a very important read for anyone coming into contact with non-adults. I want to get one for every parent I know. I've tried some of t
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Jan 22, 2011
Go2therock
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This book warrants a thorough reading by any and all parents. I could invest in a discussion on a page by page basis. Although it is a secular book, there is a tremendous amount of parenting wisdom within. Being an adoptive mother, I was familiar with the issue of Attachment. But I had never made the connection of Attachment as a purely parental-child foundation. I really connected it in my mind as an issue of adoption. However, as I reflected upon all five of my children and the years we
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May 06, 2010
Teresa
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I immersed myself in what I feel is one of the most inspirational and attitude changing parenting books I have ever read. Dr. Neufeld openly discusses and illustrates our current trend in childhood aggression, hostility, disobedience, boredom, bullying, inability to cope with vulnerability and mixed feelings, and biggest of all a general lack of good old fashion "maturation into adult hood". At the heart of it...Peer Orientation. I felt very deeply that not only have we lost our in
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Aug 26, 2011
Tia
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Absolutely one of my favorite advice/parenting books on the market today!
Nov 13, 2009
Sarah
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I slso rate this book a 5 for content and a 2 for writing. It is terribly repetitive and poorly organized. However, Neufeld very clearly identifies peer orientation as the underlying problem in our culture that pulls our children away from us. Children need to attach to parents, grandparents, and other adults who can help them mature and develop a true sense of self. I love what one reviewer wrote, "We are robbing our children (and ourselves) when we push them too quickly out into the wor
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Jul 16, 2010
Janene
rated it:
Wow. This book. I’m almost at a loss to sum up! I finished it several weeks ago, and I feel like it is still sinking in.
First off, if you are looking for a parenting book that will give you a handful of “quick fixes” on some of your child’s annoying behaviors, look elsewhere. As much as I had heard about this book from a couple of very good friends, I was still surprised at its content. I had no idea I would be getting such a fresh angle on parenting. Much of what is here flie More...
First off, if you are looking for a parenting book that will give you a handful of “quick fixes” on some of your child’s annoying behaviors, look elsewhere. As much as I had heard about this book from a couple of very good friends, I was still surprised at its content. I had no idea I would be getting such a fresh angle on parenting. Much of what is here flie More...
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Jan 09, 2011
Emily Mellow
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I read this book in conjuction with watching some of Neufeld's parenting lectures on dvd, so I really ended up skimming and skipping around while reading the book, using it to read up on anything I felt I needed to after watching that segment on dvd.
Anyway, even though I didn't read it cover to cover, because it would have been redundant, I can highly recommend this book. For the first time I find that I can really connect with my younger child. He's 3 now, and much easier to parent than w More...
Anyway, even though I didn't read it cover to cover, because it would have been redundant, I can highly recommend this book. For the first time I find that I can really connect with my younger child. He's 3 now, and much easier to parent than w More...
Dec 20, 2011
Thystle
rated it: 
Here is a copy of the review I did for API:
I will honestly state that I did not agree with large portions of this book and had a hard time finishing it. Because I did disagree with so much of it and knew I would need to do a review of it, I took lots of notes and I tried to analyze the authors claims and why I did or did not agree with them. So as a critical thinking exercise it was very enjoyable. It also sparked an interest in reading more scientific research directly on attachment More...
I will honestly state that I did not agree with large portions of this book and had a hard time finishing it. Because I did disagree with so much of it and knew I would need to do a review of it, I took lots of notes and I tried to analyze the authors claims and why I did or did not agree with them. So as a critical thinking exercise it was very enjoyable. It also sparked an interest in reading more scientific research directly on attachment More...
Sep 22, 2009
Elizabeth
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This book gets a 5 for content but a 2 for writing. The author repeats himself, quite a bit, and i ended up skimming most of the book. Which is a shame because i really liked how he thinks.
As it says in the title, this book is about why parents need to matter more than peers. His premise is that today's children are having "attachment affairs" with their friends. Children instinctively attach to their parents. Then in turn use their parents to orient themselves in the w More...
As it says in the title, this book is about why parents need to matter more than peers. His premise is that today's children are having "attachment affairs" with their friends. Children instinctively attach to their parents. Then in turn use their parents to orient themselves in the w More...
Feb 29, 2008
Christine
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A thought changing book about child development, what makes kids peer orient, how we push them there and therefore lose our "power" to parent!
It's all there in the note for the reader. I wish I could copy it and place it here, but just not possible. A few excerpts:
"Our focus is not on what parents should do but on who they need to be for their children."
"We offer here and understanding of the child, of child development, and, also, of the impedi More...
It's all there in the note for the reader. I wish I could copy it and place it here, but just not possible. A few excerpts:
"Our focus is not on what parents should do but on who they need to be for their children."
"We offer here and understanding of the child, of child development, and, also, of the impedi More...
Feb 18, 2008
Stephanie
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This isn't anything in league with Dobson. It's not about culture fear, bug-a-boos, and sheltering, it's something different. Neufeld is a BC psychiatrist who proposes something radical: when kids rebel, they aren't just being kids. Something has led to this, and something can be done about it. As well, he describes our day as a time which is significantly different from the times before. It used to be, says Neufeld, that culture was transmitted vertically, from grands, to parents, to kids,
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Sep 20, 2010
Anastasia
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9/13/10 I am determined to finish this book soon, and although I agree with some of its conclusions (I think), I just do not like it much!
9/14/10 Some parts of this book are unbelievably terrible. On page 108, the author(s) actually have the nerve to state: "Children don't need friends, they need parents, grandparents, adults who will assume responsibility to hold on to them." WHAT? Kids don't need friends? What planet are these guys living on?
And there are horr More...
9/14/10 Some parts of this book are unbelievably terrible. On page 108, the author(s) actually have the nerve to state: "Children don't need friends, they need parents, grandparents, adults who will assume responsibility to hold on to them." WHAT? Kids don't need friends? What planet are these guys living on?
And there are horr More...
May 06, 2009
Donna
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I read this a few years ago but noticed it again tonight and started reading it again. I LOVE this book. I really think every parent should read it, because more than ever we are losing our kids' hearts. Children are looking to their peers for direction instead of their parents, and by the time they're teenagers they're rolling their eyes at mom and dad and don't even want to hang out with them. It talks about the cause of this breakdown and also how to attach or reattach to our kids.
