Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed

by Lance Carbuncle

Idjit Galoot has a problem. He escaped from his master's house for a brief romp around town, seeking out easy targets such as bitches in heat, fresh roadkill and unguarded garbage cans. When he returns to his house, the aged basset hound discovers that his master has packed up their belongings and moved to Florida without him. "Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed" is the story of Idjit Galoot's ne'er do well owner and his efforts to work his way back to the dog that he loves. Along the way, Idjit's owner encounters Christian terrorists, swamp-dwelling taxidermists, carnies, a b-list poopie-groupie, bluesmen on the run from a trickster deity, and the Florida Skunk Ape.

Genres: Fiction, Humor, Bizarro Fiction, Comedy, Dogs, Horror, Animals

267 pages, Paperback

First published August 1, 2007

About the author

The Dr. Reverend Lance Carbuncle was born sometime during the last millennium and he’s been getting bigger, older and uglier ever since. Carbuncle is an ordained minister with the Church of Spiritual Humanism. Carbuncle doesn’t eat deviled eggs and he doesn’t drink cheap beer. Carbuncle doesn’t wear sock garters. Carbuncle does tell stories. Carbuncle’s stories are channeled through a pathetic little man who has to work a respectable job during the days in order to feed the infestation of children in his house. Carbuncle's first novel, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed, his award-winning Grundish and Askew, Sloughing Off the Rot, and his recently released The Unmentionables are sold through Amazon.com and Barnesandnoble.com. More reviews of Carbuncle's books can be found on Amazon and Barnesandnoble.com.

Reviews

[Lance · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book. I give it eight out of five stars. It is the funniest, most insightful, and most entertaining book ever written. The author is clearly a literary genius and a good-looking devil, too. Everyone should read Smashed. It should be required reading in our schools. Evil-doers should be beaten about the head and shoulders with this book. Lovers should read passages of it to each other for foreplay. This book prevents tooth decay and eternal damnation. It cures cold sores, psoriasis and other skin ailments when rubbed in a counterclockwise motion on the afflicted area*.

*these claims are not validated by the FDA. Furthermore, this book may cause cancer and birth defects in the State of California.

Conflict of interests disclosure: I did write Smashed so, yes, I am a bit biased. However, I can practically guarantee that the above claims are genuine.

[Janie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Without a doubt, this is the most incredible road trip ever.  I have never experienced so many strange situations and eccentric characters in the course of one book.  This author knows what he's doing.  Not once does the pace lag, and the peculiarities are fresh and endlessly entertaining.  I am very impressed with Lance Carbuncle's ability to pull this story over the edge without ever crashing.   A man is in search of his beloved best friend, his dog named Idjit Galoot.  There are many amusing names within these pages, some of them winking at the reader due to their references (i.e., Haskel and Cleaver).  There are other references to be caught as well if one is paying attention, um-hmmm.  No stone is left unturned. There are choopa-choppas,  a town full of Pedros,  Fat Elvis, soul-bartering, and a badass blues guitarist who is fighting for his soul.  Skunk-apes and the Canadian women who love them lurk in these pages, not to mention an exploding sombrero tower, PBR, Schlitz, eggs, questionable potatoes and ball-doo-ball.  I have only scratched the surface, and if you're not shy about infectious carbuncles, lepromatous leprosy or frozen celebrity poop, I urge you to take this trip for yourself.  Don't be afraid of the dead dad in the back of the truck.  Happy dreams. 

[Melki · Rating 5 out of 5]

It should have been simple enough - drive a moving van to Florida WITHOUT wreaking any havoc on the way, BUT when part of your cargo is a taxidermied old dude dressed for every conceivable holiday, you're bound to hit a snag or two...

This was a hilarious, deceptively simple fable about a man struggling to reunite with his best pal.

In addition to a heartwarming story, we're also treated to nifty little footnote factoids about turkey vultures, jackalopes and foreskins.

The book also contains my favorite rant EVER, delivered by an Elvis-hating bluesman named Fat Elvis:

"Dang boy, you the one gave me that vocabulary book for my edification. Now you want to make fun of my articulation, enunciation and eloquence. I take umbrage at your affront. Keep it up and I will defenestrate you."

Believe me, you'll want to tag along on this road trip! Just watch out for the Skunk Ape! (Or is it Janet Reno? My Pabst Blue Ribbon goggles are making everything a wee bit fuzzy...)

[Andersen Prunty · Rating 4 out of 5]

The anti-hero in Carbuncle’s book, SMASHED etc., is a 35 year old metal head who lives in his mother’s basement and doesn’t work because some drug experiment has rendered him mentally incapable. Let the hilarity begin... The problem with most comic novels is that they tend to be, well, not funny. This isn’t the case with SMASHED. The main character goes from one ridiculous situation to the next and manages to make it somehow believable. The narrative voice is what made this book so enjoyable for me. In his travels from Ohio to Florida, his descriptions of the characters he meets along the way couldn’t be more accurate. He describes these people and the reader immediately identifies. Here are just a couple:

On barmaid Ramona: “The barmaid approaches. She has red hair, a black eye, and yellow teeth.”

On Cousin Denny: “Denny is always full of advice. In his small mind he is all-knowing and all-wise. If you’re doing something, Denny will tell you how you should do it. If you bought something, he’ll tell you ten reasons why you shouldn’t have gotten that one. He’s sometimes the kind of guy that would crap on your birthday cake and tell you that he’s doing you a favor.”

On Buddy: “Buddy looks different. Like life has beaten him down. His beard is gone, replaced by a five o’clock shadow that stops near the top of his cheeks like a facial hair timberline: there is a clear demarcation just before the bags under his eyes. Without the facial hair it looks as if somebody has pushed his chin back into his neck. [...:] Buddy is bent over, shoulders hunching up as if he is trying to avoid being hit, his posture making him look like a giant question mark.”

I liked this book the second I started reading it and my affection only grew as I read more. Many books that make attempts at humor, while not really failing as a book, do not make me laugh. This had me laughing throughout. And if Carbuncle wasn’t able to make me laugh through the weirdness of his situations/characters, he was able to go for pure bathroom humor and write about poop and vomit with hearty gusto. Cheers to you, Carbuncle! This book is worth reading just to find out how he ends up with Bruce Dickinson’s poo. I would also recommend it to anyone who likes CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES or YOUTH IN REVOLT.

[Lori · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a hilarious debute novel about a 30-something year old guy, messed up from years of drug use, who lives at home with his mom, his catarac-inflicted, nose repelling, lumpy bodied basset hound, and his stuffed Daddy, and the amazingly action-packed road trip he embarks upon.

Madness. Mayhem. Hitchhiking Christian Terrorists. Crazy Pedros. An exploding sombrero. Ziplocked frozen poo. A Clubfoot musician who never stops playing his guitar. And his faithful dog Idjit, relaying important information to him through his dreams. Not to mention a reference to Shaun of the Dead....my all time favorite movie ever!!!

This book is a must read! Carbuncles creative use of footnotes -alone- should be enough for you to want to take a peek.

I was lucky enough to have gotten my hands on a copy of this novel via a contest through Goodreads. Carbuncle has an incredible sense of humor, a unique take on the little things life has to offer. This man could write about the ingredients on the back of a tube of toothpaste, and I would be biting my nails in anticipation!

Absolutely one of the best novels I have read this year. 5 stars, and won a place on my FarBetterThanMost shelf here on goodreads. Way to go Carbuncle.... Let me know when the next one is coming out. I'll be the first in line to buy it!

Get in, sit back, buckle up, and get ready for the ride of your life.

[Benoit Lelièvre · Rating 4 out of 5]

That was...wild. Lance Carbuncle's newest audibook is a Gonzoesque, Jodorowskian surreal road novel that stretches all the way to Florida, otherwise known as the butt-end of America. More important, (part of) this story is about the meaning that pets take in lonely people's lives. The narrator of this book with a title too long to be repeated is a middle-aged metalhead living on disabilities because of an MDMA trip turned bad and seeks human contact beyond his mother's with an intensity so despaired, it is comical indeed. It's like Jack Kerouac got beat up by Carlton Mellick III, got brain damaged and started writing comedy.

Maybe I liked this book because I'm a lonely guy with a dog, but it read like a Surreal, Picaresque adventure novel that only a twisted mind like Lance Carbuncle could've come up with. I wouldn't call it Bizarro. I wouldn't call it exactly surreal. I would call it Carbunclest?

[Daniel Clausen · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's the timeless story of a man and his relationship with his mutt; however, along the way, the protagonist must deal with the likes of Florida Spunk Ape (an ape with a massive erection), Christian terrorists, a hurricane, the not so righteous hand of the law, and his own withering spirit.

The book mixes the outrageous and the irreverent with humorous low brow stuff so masterful and nuanced it ends up doing handstand and becoming highbrow; no joke, the book manages to weave the vile, disturbed, and perverted into a folk literary masterpiece.

Though other commentators have pointed out the books comedic appeal (and it is funny) I often found myself getting caught up in the folk appeal. Is folk even the right word?

I found that as I was reading the book I was being entertained and given an education in a bizarre kind of subculture. The footnotes do their best to make sure you don't get too lost.

If you're the squeamish sort, you might not want to pick up the book; or you might want to pick up the book to find out how the other half live, and how something like a collection of celebrity turds in a refrigerator can be a thing of beauty.

As a bonus, a running gag throughout the book is that whenever the protagonist wakes up in a strange place his ass is sore. In short, the author spares no expense in trying to get a laugh out of you.

If you revel in the ups, downs, tragedies and triumphs that plague all of us stuck in life's aftermath then you'll find something remarkably close to a feeling of solidarity in this book.

[Georg · Rating 4 out of 5]

Usually I don't like books containing (i) dreams, (ii) pets and (iii) talking animals. So why four stars and not the minus three stars it deserves according to these rules?

Because (i) the pet only appears in dreams, (ii) the pet (sometimes) speaks in a scottish accent and (iii) for the first time I got a plausible explanation for the term "defenestration".

[Bradley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is probably my second favorite of Carbuncles books. If you are looking for a read that keeps you turning pages and enjoy a relatively warped sense of humor than this book is definitely for you. If you happen to also be a resident of Florida you will thoroughly enjoy the urban myths and local spots seamlessly put into the storyline of a man trying to get back to his ugly, old and transcendent basset hound.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is the most surreal, humorously disgusting book I have read this year, and that's saying a lot since I read about a lot of government conspiracies. Carbuncle does such a good job with the oddly fascinating South of the Border that by the middle of the book I was aching to be a Pablo. It was riveting, like Twin Peaks with a lot of extra bodily fluids and bad smells. The cast of misfits in this book will stay in my mind for years to come and I would love to try to see someone make a movie out of this story. I learned a lot of disturbing facts from the footnotes and can hardly wait to share them at the next cocktail party when I need to clear the room. I wanted to get a dog this year, and after reading this book I realize for the love of Idjit, I need one. It was refreshing to read something so politically incorrect, and I eagerly anticipate the next Carbuncle book. A-yowww.

[JSou · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book rocked. It really was one of the funniest books I have ever read. I pretty much tore through this since it was impossible to put down. The narrator in this book has one of the craziest adventures I've ever read, and I couldn't stop laughing throughout the entire thing. At the same time, I was surprised to find how oddly touching the story turned out to be.

I mean really, how awesome is it to find references to skullets, mud-butt, and Chuck Liddell all in one book? Now that's perfection if you ask me.

[Daniela · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was insane in the best way possible. And the way it's written makes every demented situation seem so real, it's even crazier. And I know crazy.
Loved the references, loved the footnotes (I'd dare to say there are not enough of them) and I loved every single character. There's not much else I can say, it's fucking perfect.

[Mykle · Rating 4 out of 5]

What I learned from this book:

-- Never express a basset hound's anal glands.

-- Never accept a gift of feces from a nymphomaniac.

-- Be circumspect when shipping human remains on Interstate 75.

-- Avoid Florida entirely.

-- A dog is a man's best friend.

[Melanie Page · Rating 1 out of 5]

Woooow. Chapter two and the dude wishes he could freeze time so he could rape women. When he unfroze time, she would "come to with a warm feeling between her legs and a smile on her face."

[Darinda · Rating 3 out of 5]

A humorous and bizarre tale of a man traveling to Florida in a moving van. He has the most odd and disturbing road trip ever.

A weird and wild read. Good for fans of Kurt Vonnegut, Hunter S. Thompson, Tim Dorsey, and Christopher Moore.

[C.B. · Rating 4 out of 5]

In a time when people see through their ears and think with their emotions, a view through the fractured looking glass is all the more welcome. Carbuncle delivers in high Tsunami form as he stomps, swaggers, and sways into the limelight with the bitches in tow and the balls of a sumo sailor. And how he does this with the absolute simplicity of a true master is achieved by the simplest and most expedient of means: humor. When we meet the main character we are mildly impressed by his seemly unimpressiveness. Meeting his favorite friend, a hound dog who is more than just another idiot, we find that this dog IS in fact, maybe not another, but indeed an Idjit. It is the unwavering love of and longing for this true friend that drives the tale north and south across the Mason Dixon line as the lead character goes on a frantic chase to recover his dog who inevitably becomes lost on an unheralded move south.

Never mind all that noise, along the way we meet a cast of zany troglodyte warriors as they peel out from the woodwork of terror islands yet uncharted bringing us cross-eyed yellow toothed loose and not so lovely waitresses, taxidermy enhanced used-to- could-be daddies, genius type bluesmen running from the devil, postulations profound on why oh why do babies clothes have pockets, skunk apes, and two swamp jungle ensconced brothers who give us to know why we stay close to circumscribed city limits. If you have not yet read this book, thought about reading this book, allowed into conscious thought an imperative shout to read this book, you are indeed more pathetic than you look with all due generosity. No other book exists on this planet or galaxies beyond that will so readily drop kick your butt into overdrive and send your brain on a wild bounce back trip to psychotic wonderlands as enlightening, return trip paid in full by the entry fee cleverly disguised as book purchase. Repeat after me: I will, I will, I will, buy this book NOW.

[Treplovski · Rating 5 out of 5]

Of all days for the dog to get out. Idjit Galoot, the senescent bassett hound, chooses Moving Day to slip his leash and go Walkabout. Now he's wondering where everybody's gone, and his charmingly dysfunctional master, whose sole focus heretofore has been getting high, watching TV, and diggin' Judas Priest and Iron Maiden, is galvanized into action. Find that dog! How hard can *that* be?

In the classic tradition of dark satire from Gulliver to Billy Pilgrim, from Curious George to Candy, the nameless protagonist of "Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed" by Lance Carbuncle sets out on a simple mission - go back and find that silly old dog before something happens to him - and finds himself on an out-of-control joyride that makes the Temple of Doom look like a Dream Vacation.

Perhaps things'd've gone more smoothly if he hadn't gotten conned out of his soul. And no question the whole operation would've gone down more simply if he'd left Daddy at home, since Mom had honored Dad's final wishes by having him stuffed and mounted in his favorite recliner. And certainly being wanted in connection with destroying a national landmark, as well as unspeakable sexual atrocities, can add a ... complication, or two. Not to mention the embarrassment of having your vintage high school picture (with a mullet for godssake) all over the TV.

Throw Skunk Apes, mystic visions, a hurricane, a giant Bratwurst, and a 102-year-old Bluesman into the mix and you've got yourself one wild ride. Think Wonderland and Oz. Think Uncle Scrooge, only without the benefit of a Junior Woodchucks Manual and Survival Guide. Think Good Clean Fun, only ... without the Good and Clean.

One caveat: Laughter, it is written, is Powerful Mojo. Be prepared for sudden bouts of involuntary spasms and nasal ejecta. Get "Smashed," and L, as they say, OL!

treplovski 08/19/08

[Stephen McQuiggan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I knew I'd love this from the opening paragraph of the foreword. What follows is a mash up of Kerouac, Bukowski, Hunter S Thompson, and the fevered opium dreams of a howling lunatic. There are riffs on Blue Velvet, a just summation of Dio's role in Sabbath, a guideline for the correct way to deal with posers who pretend to like albums they've never heard, a giant exploding sombrero, and a zip-lock collection of scat that has forever rendered the word 'Meatball' both repulsive and hilarious to me simultaneously. The interrogation by Pickles regarding necrophilia is just one of many highlights. I've a feeling that the 'extremely handsome' lawyer, Rhoton, maybe something of a genius. I'm currently a walking pomegranate of kidney stones but this cheered me up no end, and even made me nostalgic for the Luger cap gun I had as a kid. Highly recommended. Read it - fix yourself some deviled eggs - then read it again.

[Nefariousbig · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dear Rev. Carbuncle:

First, your books always make me laugh and crave meatless meat byproducts shaped like tiny wieners and come in pop-top cans.

Second, if you grace me with my very own PEDRO name, I promise to make a custom T-shirt, and post a picture of me wearing it. T-shirts are walking billboards, some tell gospel truths, some get you arrested for staring, or stalking, or both. I guarantee that my PEDRO-tee will be half advert, half pervert, and 1000000% awesome. Perhaps I could include a grainy live action photo of the illusive, giant Florida Skunk Ape, or the flaming Sombrero Tower?

Finally, loved it, can’t wait for another installment of your tales of trailer trash tragedy and triumph.

My very own PEDRO name = free advertising, custom tees. There’s more, but I’m tired and my Vienna sausages are congealing.

[Garrett Cook · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some things that are funnier than almost everything else:
Bassethounds
Old Bluesmen
Elvis
The Sasquatch
South of the Border (the pseudoMexican tourist trap)
The American South

Lance Carbuncle without being just completely dismissive of the South gives us a cool and scathing road trip through it's twists and turns. Full of colorful, weird characters, lawbreaking shenanigans and insights into existential confusion, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed delivers. Reminiscent of the films of Savage Steve Holland, Richard Linklater and the Farrelly Brothers and packed with humorous asides and notations, this book is oozing with fun, intelligence and humanity and hopefully will make it to the big screen someday.

[Rodney · Rating 5 out of 5]

Man, was this one fun to read! You could say it's a story about a man and his dog, but it is much more. This was a read that took no effort on my part. I was pulled in right away and stayed there until the end.
In the book, everyday banter has more to it, and everyday situations become extraordinary, even mystical at times. The best part about this is how it is done. You never get the feeling that the author is trying too hard to get there. I give bonus points also for the cool footnotes. Yes, I did say cool footnotes.
The protagonist goes on quite an adventure, and meets so many memorable characters along the way. I am excited to read the other two books from Carbuncle.

[Dana Purgaru · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's an awesome book for anyone who loves (and understands) Basset-Hounds & Iron Maiden. And weird situations, of course, because there are lots of them!! :) Like the thing with Bruce Dickinson's (gentlemen's) poop... it is the strangest thing I've ever read! :)))) (I'm curious to know if he read it - I'm sure he would say: bloody hell!)
Oh, by the way, I wouldn't want to be a translator for this book. :D

[Matthew · Rating 4 out of 5]

this book is and action-packed soiree of blood,guts,nuts,mythological mayhem. I went into this book blind and crippled but now I can see and tap dance. read it with both eyes and when you've finished it stick it in a food blender and inject its liquid version into your jugular. I really want some of dem griddled taters!!

[Amanda M. Lyons · Rating 5 out of 5]

The story of an ill used and self destructive man and his overwhelming need to reach his lost dog Smashed is filled with colorful characters reminiscent of those in a Harry Crews novel. Well written and brimming with gonzo adventures the book never lets up and satisfies the reader's desire for something fresh and funny without taking itself too seriously.

A road trip story gone mad Carbuncle's book offers the literary equivalent of a palate cleanser, clearing away the random disappointments left by other books and letting you unwind as you take in the craziness. Rather than feeding you the same plots and formulas that other books often thrive on (a glut of such books often occupying shelves where better books could be standing) Smashed takes you to all the places you never expected to go and introduces you to characters that are as likely to be familiar as they are vastly different. Here we find a protagonist that takes the world as it comes to him and we're treated to his more than slightly askew representation of the world through his dreams.

While the style might not appeal to some literary palates it was a more than welcome change for me.
I bought this book a few months back and only recently got to read it. After going through a stack of books that were usually either frustrating or outright lost me after a handful of pages Smashed was exactly what I needed!

[L. Brooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

You'll never look at hash browns in the same way again...

When you see a title like "Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed", you're almost afraid to read the book. Afraid that the story might live up to the somewhat revolting imagery that its title implies. As a matter of fact, Lance Carbuncle's title is almost a challenge. "I dare you to read this book!"

And so I did, not being one to back down when challenged. And the book delivers on its promise. At times I actually did throw up a little in my mouth. I mean that in the most complimentary way. Carbuncle's imagery is that tactile. I could taste this book. I could smell it. Even when I didn't want to.

But "Smashed" did more that just engage my gag reflex. It made me laugh. Out loud. It took me on a rollercoaster road trip, strapped in with some of the most suspect and outrageous characters I've ever encountered. For me, the test of a really good ride, literary or otherwise, is the condition in which it leaves me...Disconcerted, slightly breathless, smiling to myself and wanting a little more. Carbuncle's "Smashed" is just that kind of ride.

(If you don't get the "hash brown" reference, then you've never been to a Waffle House. Read the book.)

[Chloe · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book made me laugh so hard that I got kicked out of bed. I don't know of any higher praise I could give it than that.

If you're not interested in canine spirit guides, clubfooted blues musicians, exploding sombreros, people who keep the frozen poop of rockstars in their freezers, trying to escape a hurricane in a weinermobile or French-Canadian women and the skunk apes that love them, then this is probably not the book for you. Then again, if none of the above interests you, you may want to check your pulse, because there are very good odds that you are dead. In which case, I bet your last regret was that you didn't read this book.

[Angela · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lance Carbuncle is a natural. I can't wait for his next novel. It may sound like an impossible feat for a 35 year old, unemployed, unmarried guy to morph into a hero(of sorts) within 266 pages, but Mr. Carbuncle knows what he's doing. Flaming sombreros, spewing vultures, and stuffed relatives aside, there is an underlying epic feel to the storytelling, plenty of fun-facts lingering in the footnotes, and enough crude humor to fill a freezer with... This one belongs on the shelf between Christopher Moore and Glen Duncan. Or put a bow on it and give it to that uncle who's always telling dirty jokes, we've all got one.

[Byron 'Giggsy' Paul · Rating 4 out of 5]

odd, grotesque, and perverse at times, but not overly - Carbuncle does a great job mixing the bizarre with a classic folk road trip tale to come up with a very humorous and entertaining novel. Genre-wise this sits on the edqe of Bizarro sub-genre of speculative fiction and general comedy, if bizarro interests you I recommend Carbuncle's Sloughing Off the Rot published a few years ofter this one - it's a true bizarro classic.

[Anna · Rating 1 out of 5]

To be honest, I couldn't finish the book. It's crude, and rambling, and a few too many casual rape jokes to keep (or deserve) my interest. The description of this book is entirely misleading. Give me a book to read written from the perspective of Idjit Galoot and maybe I'll give it another try. Sorry.

[Bradley]

The author asked me to write a blurb. This is it: ""Like On the Road as seen through the prism of a carnival sideshow."