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The Fantasy Bond : Structure of Psychological Defenses
This book offers a hypothesis centering around the concept of the "Fantasy Bond," an illusion of connection formed with the mother and later with significant others in the individual's environment.
408 pages, Paperback
First published June 9, 1985
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Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews
February 2, 2017
In The Fantasy Bond, Dr. Firestone gives his theory - the fantasy bond - for why people behave in self-destructive ways. Specifically, he explores the mental illness of schizophrenia to illustrate how the fantasy bond works but does not limit his theory to schizophrenia alone. He gives a deep, well thought out explanation for his theory and does not mix in any sugar-coated garbage about finding happiness or getting more exercise. I enjoyed reading his book because he writes as one adult talking to another and because the material in itself is fascinating, especially the symbolic themes in which maladaptive behaviors occur. Also, Dr. Firestone is purely interested in providing his theory and nothing else. He does not give any ways to overcome the fantasy bond but does explain some stories of how people living in the fantasy bond tried to help themselves. I believe Dr. Firestone is an atheist, which may turn off religious people. He views religion and the family itself as supporting structures of the fantasy bond in that they obscure the person's view of death by denying it in religious rituals based on the idea of life after death. It is a somber book. He also does not have an overly positive view of humanity, stating that a great majority of people live lives in the grip of the fantasy bond without knowing it, making their lives miserable. Therefore, it is a good book but just be warned that it is not an uplifting one.
March 9, 2016
This book was *mostly* excellent - super-dense, I had to read several sections two or three times to let them sink in. Fascinating insights into what motivates us in relationships and how our parental dynamics have lasting effects. Only reason I did not give it 5 stars was there are large sections about an "intentional community" that the author was a part of that was not really as informative/insightful as the rest of the book was - it was more of a case study of a group of families towards the end, which departed from the style of the beginning of the book.
November 3, 2025
the first half was good icl I would've accidently joined his cult
January 26, 2025
I came across a quote from this book in Gabor Mate's Scattered Minds and the title immediately resonated with a problem I suspected I had. I'm not sure if Firestone's notion of a fantasy bond has been superseded by other theories that describe the phenomenon he was talking about in more precise language, but I found his main argument (and the terms in which he articulated it) to be personally relevant and very helpful in pinpointing a problem I was struggling with, although it took some time to grasp the meaning of what he was saying and to locate the patterns he was talking about within myself. His notion of inwardness or withdrawal in particular was very insightful and gave me a framework with which to observe my behavior which I hadn't found in DBT, so it was a good complement to that.
I do think however that his writing is severely lacking in compassion and nuance. This is the kind of book you'd worry about recommending to your siblings lest they take it too literally and break the family apart. His constant use of terms like "hating" one's mother or caregiver was too cruel and could have been phrased differently, in my opinion. Gabor Mate himself would have been describing the same sentiments but with more compassion and kindness. I think that's more than being politically correct; it's actually part and parcel of the ideas being embraceable if I may use the word. (Apologies in advance to anyone who found going no-contact the only solution to their familly issues and the only guarantee to their wellbeing; I'm sorry you had to go through that and wish you the best.)
It was also frustrating that he does not provide any glimpse of a possible alternative to how parents should deal with children's frustrations. No perfect family exists, and so according to his terminology every child is bound to "hate" their mother/caregiver to some extent, no matter how much the mother acknowledges her failings. His whole point is that the child cannot tolerate the idea that the mother has failings and so paints up an internal picture of a perfect mother. In the last chapters he does discuss some kind of blissful real-life experiment he did where children would drop titles when addressing their parents and they'd interact together on equal grounds, but that was quickly glossed over and he didn't provide any useful details of how the "little frustrations" of everyday life were handled or how sustainable and viable that parenting style actually was. His very claim that that new family model was "a model" (and so nearing perfection if not perfect) is itself fishy.
As I finished the book I did also wonder about the accuracy of his representation of psychological defenses as necessarily all being bad and an obstacle to a fulfilling life. He's also a staunch individualist, and I had a hard time swallowing his blanket rejection of any "inherited" wisdom or morals (just because of an intellectual position on the fallacies of that kind of individualism). Throughout the work, he also universalizes the fear of death as the absolute fear everyone has. I dismissed that at first as his own personal conviction, but halfway in the book I realized the fear of death was a major theme that I struggled with growing up, so it's still something I'm grappling with.
However, Firestone talks too much. His last few chapters were unnecessarily repetitive and a pain to read through. He also writes like someone who'd have no qualms inventing a nuclear bomb. I kept forgetting that, between the lines, he was actually alluding to some noble values being the purpose of life. I feel that someone's writing is an extension of their personality, and I didn't like the personality that I was meeting in the writing, if I may say. Something was a bit off and unpalatable, even though I found the content extremely helpful. I wasn't surprised to find that blog publishing anonymous testimonies of people claiming to be abused by him (a wholly unscientific impression). It's the sad reality of the power psychoanalysts can have when they literally claim to have access to their patients' unconscious, on top of all the vulnerabilities that make patients prone to abuse by professionals. It was strangely telling that the foreword was written by R.D. Laing, another pioneering psychoanalyst who was also abusive to his own family. It makes me glad I found psychoanalytic writings after I did DBT because it's focused on building individual capacity to evaluate and judge rather than submit oneself entirely to the therapist.
I do think however that his writing is severely lacking in compassion and nuance. This is the kind of book you'd worry about recommending to your siblings lest they take it too literally and break the family apart. His constant use of terms like "hating" one's mother or caregiver was too cruel and could have been phrased differently, in my opinion. Gabor Mate himself would have been describing the same sentiments but with more compassion and kindness. I think that's more than being politically correct; it's actually part and parcel of the ideas being embraceable if I may use the word. (Apologies in advance to anyone who found going no-contact the only solution to their familly issues and the only guarantee to their wellbeing; I'm sorry you had to go through that and wish you the best.)
It was also frustrating that he does not provide any glimpse of a possible alternative to how parents should deal with children's frustrations. No perfect family exists, and so according to his terminology every child is bound to "hate" their mother/caregiver to some extent, no matter how much the mother acknowledges her failings. His whole point is that the child cannot tolerate the idea that the mother has failings and so paints up an internal picture of a perfect mother. In the last chapters he does discuss some kind of blissful real-life experiment he did where children would drop titles when addressing their parents and they'd interact together on equal grounds, but that was quickly glossed over and he didn't provide any useful details of how the "little frustrations" of everyday life were handled or how sustainable and viable that parenting style actually was. His very claim that that new family model was "a model" (and so nearing perfection if not perfect) is itself fishy.
As I finished the book I did also wonder about the accuracy of his representation of psychological defenses as necessarily all being bad and an obstacle to a fulfilling life. He's also a staunch individualist, and I had a hard time swallowing his blanket rejection of any "inherited" wisdom or morals (just because of an intellectual position on the fallacies of that kind of individualism). Throughout the work, he also universalizes the fear of death as the absolute fear everyone has. I dismissed that at first as his own personal conviction, but halfway in the book I realized the fear of death was a major theme that I struggled with growing up, so it's still something I'm grappling with.
However, Firestone talks too much. His last few chapters were unnecessarily repetitive and a pain to read through. He also writes like someone who'd have no qualms inventing a nuclear bomb. I kept forgetting that, between the lines, he was actually alluding to some noble values being the purpose of life. I feel that someone's writing is an extension of their personality, and I didn't like the personality that I was meeting in the writing, if I may say. Something was a bit off and unpalatable, even though I found the content extremely helpful. I wasn't surprised to find that blog publishing anonymous testimonies of people claiming to be abused by him (a wholly unscientific impression). It's the sad reality of the power psychoanalysts can have when they literally claim to have access to their patients' unconscious, on top of all the vulnerabilities that make patients prone to abuse by professionals. It was strangely telling that the foreword was written by R.D. Laing, another pioneering psychoanalyst who was also abusive to his own family. It makes me glad I found psychoanalytic writings after I did DBT because it's focused on building individual capacity to evaluate and judge rather than submit oneself entirely to the therapist.
February 5, 2019
The first third of this book has the most compelling information as far as self-help or basic psychological theory is concerned. The rest comes across as pretty dated and is largely inessential, but it's a good resource for those interested in uncovering the roots of trauma.
June 4, 2024
Really mindblowing in parts; a refreshingly frank and honest book about the ways people protect themselves from negative emotions and general maladaptive behaviors, preventing emotional closeness and openness in their relationships. Has a lot of ideas and anecdotes that definitely date it, but looking past that reveals a core of truth that felt very helpful for explaining my own and others behaviors. Like all non fiction is a little bit too repetitive so I struggled towards the end.
EDIT:
Seems like this guy is maybe a cult leader so probably best to take this all with a grain of salt.
EDIT:
Seems like this guy is maybe a cult leader so probably best to take this all with a grain of salt.
February 15, 2022
This book does make a lot of seems with the basic premise. The defenses we all have are pretty clear. Observing my personal life and other people close, the theory holds up quite well. This book is from 1980's, that's a long time ago, ha ha. So a few things bothered me, or maybe have changed since. There seemed to be a basic view of women being helpless, weak and childlike in regressions, more than men. This, I feel is not true at least not anymore. Could have been, back then. I'm bingeing Madmen with my man, and the Betty character is a prefect example of a product of the old-fashioned, misogynist culture, who still thought women have a smaller brain capacity or something, and were brought up so, and some to of this feeling lingers in this book. Now, 2022 I know so many very strong women. There were twice a comment of women driving carelessly! Especially I found this one just simply hilarious, p. 187 :' Some habits develop along the sexist lines. Many women refuse to drive competently or carefully, and alarm and provoke their mates with their carelessness.' Wt...?!
Also I don't know if interrupting sleep to break someone's withdrawal to inner life is a very good idea. That's known as a torture method these days.
That said, there was a lot of good stuff about being your honest yourself, escapism, the inner judging voice, how to diminish it, the conventional rituals that enforce the fantasy bond etc. The part of the community in the end was interesting. A documentary about it and whatever happened to it, would be fascinating.
Being an artist myself, and working alone, I wondered how much of it is a fantasy bond, and would we have arts at all if we would constantly be analyzing and talking about our feelings in a group? Would we all end up being successful, outgoing entrepreneurs, being together all the time...? There's a bit of an aversion toward contemplation, and introverts, and the difference between going inward and contemplation, a creative life, is not really discussed. All creativity needs idleness.
I found the bringing of youth into the discussions great, and would do tons of good for the society.
Also I don't know if interrupting sleep to break someone's withdrawal to inner life is a very good idea. That's known as a torture method these days.
That said, there was a lot of good stuff about being your honest yourself, escapism, the inner judging voice, how to diminish it, the conventional rituals that enforce the fantasy bond etc. The part of the community in the end was interesting. A documentary about it and whatever happened to it, would be fascinating.
Being an artist myself, and working alone, I wondered how much of it is a fantasy bond, and would we have arts at all if we would constantly be analyzing and talking about our feelings in a group? Would we all end up being successful, outgoing entrepreneurs, being together all the time...? There's a bit of an aversion toward contemplation, and introverts, and the difference between going inward and contemplation, a creative life, is not really discussed. All creativity needs idleness.
I found the bringing of youth into the discussions great, and would do tons of good for the society.
November 5, 2020
Wow. This explains so much about my formative years. I feel totally validated as to why I set off “on my own” when I was in my late 20’s...
April 19, 2024
I got introduce to firestones’s sexual theory by the RedFem podcast, which i think they probably have been referring to someone else, but anyways I’m glad I’ve stumbled upon Wayne’s work, as it’s giving me this warm Canadian energy, despite that he’s not Canadian.
Anyways, out of all his books, I got intrigued reading the title of this one, however the first few chapters are the beginning where very Neptunian much than I expected, by neptunaian I mean delusional and fantasy-like thinking, then the middle of the book started to get really juicy about actual defense mechanism, withdrawal, self-sufficiency, and hyper independence acts for self preservation. I think anyone with a little knowledge of attachment theory would see the resemblance between the cases Robert mentioned in the book and people with dismissive avoidant attachment style.
The book is mainly constructed from developmental/psychoanalysis pov, mainly on a heterosexual level, where every cause of one’s pathological actions lay back to the childhood relationship or symbiosis between the mother or any parental figure in this regard, however at the same time there is a little bit of a left tone ideology about attacking the family and how they are repressing the child and how they are holding some pressure on the person similar of that Victorian attack on the family.
However not to deny the impact of family on the individuals specially in the case of women, it was interesting to analyze the female perspective and how their rejection of wanting to develop into adulthood results on them remaining acting infantile and rejecting adulthood, and remaining passive and idle, which exactly corresponds to the findings of Betty Friedan in her book the feminine mystique. Furthermore, I was jumpy to see how he referenced the findings of Nancy Friday in regards of mother-daughter relationship, and the parts where women mask their identity or remaining stuck on certain image that society draw for them and they don’t have the courage to break free from it because they have over identify themselves with the images that their parents draw for them, is also very interesting and it says a lot about the female psychology.
However, it was a little ironic for me, when he kept saying autistic people, in their autistic world, which I found a quiet of a misuse of the word, because given the fact that a person might actually be neurodivergent, so their acts of defensiveness and avoidance are not only due to a developmental reasons such as fear of abandonment or unhealthy upbringing or attachment to the mother of the father.
So far the book has been really lengthy and I’m glad I make it to the end, where Robert introduces many interesting mechanism into psychology such as inner critic, voice therapy, and specifically the chapter related to forming a community of the friends in the islands, was very interesting, and I have ordered his book the truth cure, I’m very eager to get to know more about Robert’s work, I think this book can go hand-in-hand with the book called "The Half-Empty Heart A Supportive Guide to Breaking Free from Chronic Discontent", where defensive people can start to learn to access their emotions more safely, being less detached hence let their guard down and being less defensive, and being more on ease on communicating their needs instead of shoving them, not to mention that it’s all easier said than done.
Anyways, out of all his books, I got intrigued reading the title of this one, however the first few chapters are the beginning where very Neptunian much than I expected, by neptunaian I mean delusional and fantasy-like thinking, then the middle of the book started to get really juicy about actual defense mechanism, withdrawal, self-sufficiency, and hyper independence acts for self preservation. I think anyone with a little knowledge of attachment theory would see the resemblance between the cases Robert mentioned in the book and people with dismissive avoidant attachment style.
The book is mainly constructed from developmental/psychoanalysis pov, mainly on a heterosexual level, where every cause of one’s pathological actions lay back to the childhood relationship or symbiosis between the mother or any parental figure in this regard, however at the same time there is a little bit of a left tone ideology about attacking the family and how they are repressing the child and how they are holding some pressure on the person similar of that Victorian attack on the family.
However not to deny the impact of family on the individuals specially in the case of women, it was interesting to analyze the female perspective and how their rejection of wanting to develop into adulthood results on them remaining acting infantile and rejecting adulthood, and remaining passive and idle, which exactly corresponds to the findings of Betty Friedan in her book the feminine mystique. Furthermore, I was jumpy to see how he referenced the findings of Nancy Friday in regards of mother-daughter relationship, and the parts where women mask their identity or remaining stuck on certain image that society draw for them and they don’t have the courage to break free from it because they have over identify themselves with the images that their parents draw for them, is also very interesting and it says a lot about the female psychology.
However, it was a little ironic for me, when he kept saying autistic people, in their autistic world, which I found a quiet of a misuse of the word, because given the fact that a person might actually be neurodivergent, so their acts of defensiveness and avoidance are not only due to a developmental reasons such as fear of abandonment or unhealthy upbringing or attachment to the mother of the father.
So far the book has been really lengthy and I’m glad I make it to the end, where Robert introduces many interesting mechanism into psychology such as inner critic, voice therapy, and specifically the chapter related to forming a community of the friends in the islands, was very interesting, and I have ordered his book the truth cure, I’m very eager to get to know more about Robert’s work, I think this book can go hand-in-hand with the book called "The Half-Empty Heart A Supportive Guide to Breaking Free from Chronic Discontent", where defensive people can start to learn to access their emotions more safely, being less detached hence let their guard down and being less defensive, and being more on ease on communicating their needs instead of shoving them, not to mention that it’s all easier said than done.
November 12, 2025
The underlying theory here has no scientific basis, but I found the psychological links and cause/effect behaviors fundamentally sound and really enlightening. Essentially, people are resistant to change that might otherwise be worthwhile because they regress into the familiarity of self-soothing behavioral patterns of their childhood. All stemming from the bond of the primary caregiver whom a child sees without faults, even when parenting is misguided. The meat of this books goes into the relational consequences and effects of poor parenting (either from over or under nurturing). There are some solutions and management tips to overcome the effects of a poor upbringing, but a lot can learned from simply understanding the source.
MS: The author proposes a theory that parents act emotionally volatile due to simmering resentment. Resentment of the implied pressure to love your own child. Yikes!
MS: The author proposes a theory that parents act emotionally volatile due to simmering resentment. Resentment of the implied pressure to love your own child. Yikes!
February 24, 2022
Parts of this ring true, and it's exciting to see these ideas in print:
"Most of us reject or manipulate our environments to avoid any emotional interaction that would contradict our early conception of reality . . . Many people become progressively maladapted because of their increased reliance on fantasy gratification."
At other times, he carries his ideas to a far-fetched conclusion:
"Each small ending can remind them that everything eventually ends - in death."
In the end, I decided to stop reading about a 3rd of the way through. The writing style is putting me to sleep.
"Most of us reject or manipulate our environments to avoid any emotional interaction that would contradict our early conception of reality . . . Many people become progressively maladapted because of their increased reliance on fantasy gratification."
At other times, he carries his ideas to a far-fetched conclusion:
"Each small ending can remind them that everything eventually ends - in death."
In the end, I decided to stop reading about a 3rd of the way through. The writing style is putting me to sleep.
Read
September 27, 2019A fantasy bond is an illusion of connection and intimacy that allows someone to maintain a facade of relating to the other and maintaining their bond while being emotionally distant.
more about the book here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/...
more about the book here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/...
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 21, 2025
The writer clearly is a genius in the way he formulated his BASIC idea.
However, the later discussions of the community sounds very cultish, it's difficult to avoid the authors' political leanings, misogynistic views at times and the brazen promotion of a cultish polygamist community hints.
The book was very good before they brought up the community, that exposed them too much.
However, the later discussions of the community sounds very cultish, it's difficult to avoid the authors' political leanings, misogynistic views at times and the brazen promotion of a cultish polygamist community hints.
The book was very good before they brought up the community, that exposed them too much.
August 12, 2023
One of the best books I’ve read on the subject of self hatred and how this is developed in childhood. I was t keen on the atheistic perspectives, but given the author is working from the psychoanalytic school, it’s to be expected. Great book despite this.
August 13, 2024
Future readers should be very skeptical about chapter 20. As another reviewer has mentioned, the author is accused of running a cult. If we're to believe the allegations, ch20 is replete with very serious distortions of the truth. Be careful!
Regarding content before chapter 20: Most of it is good, I enjoyed the read and connected with a lot of the ideas.
Regarding content before chapter 20: Most of it is good, I enjoyed the read and connected with a lot of the ideas.
May 11, 2024
Decent explanation of inward critical voices and their causes as well as mechanisms of defense but the author seems to want to tie too many different situations in to fit his theory.
May 13, 2024
Firestone is a long time cult leader in Southern California. He has destroyed lives, including those of young children. AVOID.
July 29, 2024
This had its moments too.
Want to read
January 3, 2025recommendation: [Recognizing Cognitive Patterns Of Abuse | Healing From Trauma | Equality Empathy For Our Wellbeing - YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXX97...) by Goobie and Doobie
March 18, 2025
Absolutely loved this book.
December 4, 2023
A heavy text on the powerful structures of the mind that keep using psychological defenses long after they're helpful, and even despite the fact that they're becoming hugely destructive to an individual's growth. Seems there is a new miraculous fact on every page -- and this is a lengthy book! I hope I can incorporate some of the wisdoms of this study into my life.
September 25, 2007
Fantasy Bond quoted at:
http://xoxoanp.com/zine/sex-the-city-...
http://xoxoanp.com/zine/sex-the-city-...
April 16, 2013
Very 70's feel to me. A lot of concepts are outdated and no longer considered authoritative. Interesting but didn't resonate.
January 11, 2017
This book drops truth bomb after truth bomb. I'm re-reading it and it's just spot on.
Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews