How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide

by Aaron Goldfarb

"How to Fail" is the world's FIRST Self-Hurt Guide, the polar opposite of a self-help guide. In "How to Fail," follow the misadventures, misgivings, and massive mistakes of this satiric novel's narrator, Stu Fish, as he tries to find success in 2010 New York. With hilarious chapters such as "How to Fail to Make Your Parents Proud of You," "How to Fail to Do Something Productive All Day," "How to Fail in Love," and "How to Fail All the Way to Rock Bottom," and even more ribald "footchapters" such as "How to Masturbate at Work," "How to Develop an Addiction," "How to Get Usurped by Your Girlfriend's Ex," and "How to Acquire the STD That's Right for You," there's not an aspect of life that "How to Fail" doesn't tackle and offer a terrific non-solution for. All of this is delivered in perfect single serving-size chapters for our modern A.D.D. culture more used to reading blog entries on their phones while riding the subway or waiting in line at Subway than in carefully reading a book.

Genres: Nonfiction, Humor, Self Help

372 pages, Paperback

First published October 27, 2010

About the author

Aaron Goldfarb is a journalist and the author of 12 books, his most recent of which was Dusty Booze: In Search of Vintage Spirit. He is generally regarded as one of the top drinks writers in the country.

Reviews

[Jasmine · Rating 4 out of 5]

So after recent events, I'm forced to consider for at least a moment. Will the author read this? will they not read this. I suppose historic events, I mean I've had plenty of authors email me about reviews and I suppose recent events were more about me disliking a book than anything that actually mattered. So on that note, lets go with not caring if the author likes the review, because I certainly don't want someone to lie about a book simply because the author would fucking like them to get other people to read it.

I did not find this book myself, I was doing something or other at work and as I walked by Karen said to me "Single serving chapters for the ADD generation" I thought karen was super cleaver and I was totally impressed till I bought the book got home and realized that was written on the back of the book. You Mr publisher are a LIAR. These are not chapters for the ADD generation. Etgar keret writes for the add generation. Zachary German... I think but I might be misremembering. This book is 367 pages with 14 chapters that is an average of 26 pages those are super long chapters for ADD. If you average with all the footchapters it's like 11. That is kinda short but not even close to add length. Shame on you marketing team.

Next lets talk about the title. I love the title of this book. I picked this up and thought, hey I'm a failure, he's a failure. I'll read this and we'll be failures together.

This book is like what would happen if Tucker Max was actually witty, smarter, and got laid more. Actually I wouldn't be totally shocked if this guy was friends with tucker max,you guys should look each other up I think you'd have a lot of fun.

This is not a book for everyone. I have a friend that I use to see a lot and for various reasons only some of which I care enough to know about I don't see as much anymore. Who use to say things like "people have to look at you" and "it would all be fine if you would just lose some weight." This always gets a reaction, at least from me, along the lines of "you're a horrible but I totally get where you're coming from." BUT this is the kind of person that people love to hate. Yeah the main character is a guy who likes women who are out of his league and is kind of a jack ass. You know what else he is? HONEST. I like that in a person. I sat down and read this book and it was like having a beer with misha. I would totally hang out with it and let me buy it drinks, but I'm certainly not going to sleep with it. This book is that friend you say, "god what the fuck is wrong with you?" but on the inside you are like "Dude you are so completely right."

Did you ever notice that one of the best things about those books people love to hate is that people hate them so much. I mean would twilight be as fun if the rest of the culture didn't care?

Lastly, I think it's important to give some props to the fact this is a smart book, although a little moralizing. I am happy that the moral was saved for the afterward. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugly. and maybe just maybe so is success.

on that note this book made me feel like a complete and utter failure.

ps. this is a super well made book.

[Phil Simon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Disclaimer #1: I exchanged books with the author. I sent him mine and vice-versa.
Disclaimer #2: I don't give too many five star reviews.
Disclaimer #3: I'm kind of friendly with the author, but in a very platonic way.
Disclaimer #4: I hate anodyne books that don't entertain me or teach me something.
Disclaimer #5: Not a book for those who, er, don't dig profanity.

OK...I got that off of my chest. I like How to Fail because Goldfarb wears his heart on his sleeve. This isn't a "safe" book and I'm sure that many if not most publishers wouldn't come within five miles of it. Parts of this book had me laughing out loud. Goldfarb gets an "A" for creativity. I'd rather read risque books that offend me sometimes than books that bore me. I was reminded at times of Chuck Klosterman (one of my favorite pop culture authors). Great first book. I can't wait for the rest.

[Nate Bagley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I started reading the book "1776" by Pulitzer Prize winning author, David McCullough, but I quit after page 15. I've tried twice before, and I just can't seem to get into it. I tell myself I want to be more cultured and informed, but I guess I really just want to be entertained.

Reading "How To Fail" was more fun than reading "1776." This might make me a bad American. Or maybe it makes me uncultured, or stupid. To that I would say, "Shut up! I finished reading a book, and that's better than most of the video-game-playing, reality-show-watching idiots I'm surrounded by on a regular basis. They are the stupid ones."

Reading this book has made me feel better about myself (for not hitting the same level of Fail as Stu, the protagonist), while simultaneously feeling and worse about myself (for not having written a book about failure, or success... or anything for that matter, like Aaron).

Three cheers for finishing something, and three cheers for doing a better job at entertaining my feeble mind better than some "smart" history dude.

[DC · Rating 4 out of 5]

(This review has been spoiled by too many f-bombs. Religious tolerance is advised. Parental nonguidance is necessary and recommended.)

His name is known in every household. His face is on the covers of every magazine. Women constantly fawn over him, fighting to get his sole attention. Yep, Stuart Fish sure has got it all. In his head. While looking over his horrible apartment, lucking it out with unemployment pay, and lying post-coitus in bed with a terrible-looking hag.

This is pretty much the story-slash-guidebook of a bona fide failure in life. When Stu says he’s a failure, he notes it based on his firsthand (*laughs at inside joke, then laughs at inside-inside joke*) experiences – from How to Fail to Write a Cohesive Introduction, to How to Fail to Make Your Parents Proud of You, to How to Avoid Your Ex in a Small Town, and to the ever-popular How to Fail to be Normal. Oh, and you bet your How To Fail ale that Stu’s great at failing.

He’s also great at telling you his story at being a failure. He’s offensively humorous, sarcastically intelligent, and humbly arrogant. He’ll list down (in bullet points!) his failure-certified step-by-step tips (see How to Fail in Love, How to Acquire the STD that’s Right for You or How to Masturbate at Work). He’ll speak in the rare second person while penning a tale of erotica to give you a better *ahem* feel of How to Fail in Bed. Why, he’ll even leave you footchapters, instead of footnotes, so you don’t even have to glance at the bottom of the page or flip to the back of the book for additional information! (He happily advises you, though: “Don’t skim them, asshole.”) He’s the caring kind of narrator – hitting you in the face with his casual mention of books such as Catch-22, Grapes of Wrath and A Scanner Darkly, while cautiously serving you a creampie of horrible sex, Jewish slumlords and fake titties. He also uses big words (like “loquacious”) because he’s the type of guy to use words like “loquacious”.

(For those with Kindles – I heard that, at least for the Kindle e-book version, the author has even hightlighted/underlined his most important pieces of advice for the common non-failure. As I was reading this via Kindle App, I could see no such emphasis, although italics and emboldened text were here and there.)

As you probably guessed by now, this book is definitely not for the people who get shocked at politically incorrect sentence enhancers and herpes-laden pederasts. Heck, this may not even be a book for successful networkers, over-40 golf players, or married lesbian lovers who live in high-rises at Upper West side. This is a book that is written with the unemployed, alcoholic, drug addict, unemployed alcoholic drug addicts and other rock-bottom failures in mind.

This book is also quite a wild ride around Manhattan, though with a brief by succulent look at Hollywood too. Set in the heart (or posterior) of the Big Apple, the book shows us glimpses of Stu’s best-remembered (recommended?) places: cheap bars, sleazy apartments, crammed subway cars, and more cheap bars. Don’t expect that he’ll take you to a church though, considering his atheistic stance. Forget about marveling at the wonders of a government-related establishment (except maybe the courts or prison), since he’s got a ball to bat with all those entanglements political leaders seem to enjoy. (So with him, definitely forget the idea of bonding yourself in the eyes of the church and the government, i.e. marriage.)

At the end of all the crass, highly opinionated anecdotes, this book dwells on the ups and downs of a late-twenties/early-thirties man who tries to make it big in one of the world’s most expensive cities. Behind all the bravado of a seemingly failed life, Stu guides the audience into his morning rituals, his loves and losses, and his head and heart. Sure, it looks like a book written by the Rudest Person On Earth, but its brutal true-to-life stories mirror everyday annoyances that we all experience one time or another (maybe even everyday for some most of us). While nothing really seems pristine in Stu’s world, his imperfections and irritations are something akin to our own restlessness and wishes for better days.

All in all, the book is well-written, well-informed and charming in its roguish language. It’s got enough depth, useless information and timely advice that is quite interesting to chew upon (especially with a watermelon martini). There are life lessons to be learned here, although it will probably take a very open mind to absorb whatever those lessons may be. Great read, but try to leave your muddy self-righteous shoes next to the passive-aggressive junk pile while you’re reading this, all right?


PS: This is more like a 4.75 for me, so I'll leave this as a 4-star read.

[Andreas Andersen · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book's protagonist is easy to empathise with, I guess because I recognise parts of myself. However, I also recognize parts of myself in his (sometimes much loathed friends). The wry humor and conflict of success versus failure in a place where these dimensions are polarized to the extreme (Mahattan) was engaging and kept med reading. Still, even though this seems intended, the lack of closure left me feeling empty, slightly disappointed at the end. There's no drama - the story seems as such somewhat postmodern. Although, there is a hint of a direction towards acceptance as an underlying theme; acceptance of fate, coincidence, "failure" as natural parts of life, but to me this came a little too close to surrender, which made the aftertaste of the story a little depressing. That having been said, the author is perfectly right in his satirical point that in life there is no dramatic closure, that happily ever after is only for the fairytales, and that life is a series of continuous, overlapping, intertwining maybes - until we someday suddenly choke on a donut and die. The people who feel "special" - above others, exclusive, selected, entitled to success - are delusional, blind in the shadows of their own egos. The protagonist seems to escape this delusion, but not completely. There is still some desire, some sense of destined greatness residing in him still, and as such he has not found any true and lasting peace. Which is probably why the book left me a bit wanting as well.

[DC · Rating 4 out of 5]

(I am taking the time to follow the author's quick-and-easy fill-out review form, which is appended at the back pages. I apologize if I fail to please your palette. Hah.)

The loquacious “How to Fail” is so incredibly sexy that you can fish hot chicks with it just by dangling a spine in front of them. Although, sometimes it may also take your creepy friend to simultaneously be dangling another spine behind them, ha ha. Which would truly by THE tour de… ugly resource of pleasurable activity in your otherwise non-loquacious life. But, after reading this book, your life will vastly improve, and not in some amazingly labyrinthical way but in something simpler than that. In Mickey Mouse & Daisy Duck you will now have friends for 350 starting pages of Hemingwayesque magical realism who might even cause you to make a mess in your pants in just a(n) infinitesimal second. You’ll be so addicted to this book’. You’ll prefer it to even farting or touching you uvula or rubbing or even going to a book burning, not because you’re religious or something but because you like to burn shitty books such as The Bible by such a scanty author as The God of the Israelites. You’ll burn fifty-eight-point-three-six-seven other classic books too because they all pale in comparison to “How to Fail”. Shit, they might even have to make you and your gang’s book burnings into a national holiday which would be even bigger than Hanukah.

*BOW*

[Tyler Hurst · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you polled Midwesterners who'd never been to NYC and asked them what a 'failure' would act, look, and sound like, Stuart Fish would fit the bill. Fish, which I assume is at least loosely based on the author, isn't a loser, nor could he be described as dumb, lazy (maybe a little bit) or even unsuccessful. While he's certainly not a success based on society's big 3 (fame, money, love), his greatest lesson isn't that failing can be a learning tool, but rather that having the guts to fail at anything you try is powerful.

Similar to Julien Smith's Flinch, the idea that I read from this book was that we have softer landings than we're ready to admit. No job? You're unlikely to die. No place to live? Someone will take you in. No significant other? Plenty of people out there looking for the same thing. No money? If you're a cool guy that makes others laugh, you'll likely be given stuff.

I'm not advocating that unemployed, single, and living on a lesbian friend's couch while drinking most nights is the way to go through life for all of us, but who needs success when you're already so fucking happy?

[Byron · Rating 5 out of 5]

A novel in the form of a humorous "self-hurt guide," this is the life story of a solid two-thirds of the men of our generation. At times it was so familiar that I found it difficult to read. The protagonist once had potential, and now he's an unemployed drunk living on people's couches, hanging out in bars with old-ass men during the day, getting it on with just any old woman, running the risk of catching an STD, alienating himself from his friends with careers, kids and houses in the suburbs, and lying to his parents about the state of his own career and his relationship. How much you enjoy this could depend on how much you relate to the subject matter. I could see some people being completely put off by it. It's wildly, gratuitously offensive, with a lot of frank sex talk and a lot of barely concealed contempt for polite society.

[Tiki]

Scrolling through my daily email for Free eBooks on Amazon, I saw this book... So I checked it out and got a laugh from the first review so naturally I downloaded the book... The review starts like this:

There Are No Vampires in This Book, December 16, 2010
By M. Zambotti - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)   
Amazon Verified Purchase(What's this?)
This review is from: How to Fail: The Self-Hurt Guide (Paperback)

My wife reads about a hundred books a year. They're all basically the same book- vampires eating warewolves or witches trying to find love or something like that. Even the covers look the same. Sometimes she even reads a book she's already read by accident. Maybe she's crazy. Or maybe the bulk of books out there are bland, unmemorable bowls of oatmeal. How to Fail is NOT a book you'll forget you read.....

This is not my husband, I swear, but he's hitting close to home with that description!! I'd like to friend his wife on GoodReads! ;-)

Putting this one on my TBR list and will post a real review once I get through all those " vampires eating warewolves or witches trying to find love or something like that" books! (hang in there M. Zambotti!)

[Craig T. Wood · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm biased (manage the author), but really love this book.

Voice is original and wonderfully honest. Book takes an astute look at our society today and really gives it to us good.

An enjoyable read all around, though language is not for the faint of heart! :)

[Kristina · Rating 2 out of 5]

I liked the idea of a self-hurt book but the author is trying way too hard to be funny and witty and therefore the result is rather mediocre. It's not even spectacularly bad, in which case it would totally serve its purpose, it's just... meh.

[Ladypirouette · Rating 5 out of 5]

A real-page turner. Smart. Sassy. Laugh out loud funny. A must read for every 20 and 30 something, and their parents.

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

At times it was quite hilarious and witty, other times it sort of dragged along. Similar in style, language, and uhmmmm... Douchebaggery as a Tucker Max book.

[Jason · Rating 4 out of 5]

it reeled me in from the first page.....if you've finished it you'll get the reference. I loved this book, it's not high art but it's good for a laugh. check it out

[Bea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very funny.
Excellent narration by Kevin Killavey.

[Kyle · Rating 2 out of 5]

The story was funny at first, but at some point the guy just turned into a douchebag.

[LaanSiBB]

Not a big fan of this book, but it proves another book "Antifragile" to be not universal enough, clearly the society has provide chances for these thought-experiment fishes that had escaped the net. All these experiences are actually unique events to their own.

[Sheila Cohen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Somewhat amusing, somewhat sad story of a failure telling you how to fail.

[Will Abel · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author asked for a review. I'm not going to use the form in the back. Hahaaha.
I got this a my first free borrowed book for my Kindle. I didn't have much time as the end of the month is coming soon and I had to pick something. So it was either crappy romance, crappy romance with vampires, crappy romance with werewolves, crappy...you get the picture.
The description sounded funny and as a lifelong failure myself I figured this was the book to read, and at the price of free, how could I resist.

There are numerous laugh-out-loud moments in the book. Several been there, done that's.

I would have liked it more perhaps if it wasn't laid out self-help style with the first part jumping around the story before getting all chronological in the second part.

I am glad the character (and perhaps the author??) has found something that works for them. (if only I could do the same)

Go forth, read, laugh!

[John · Rating 2 out of 5]

** Spoilers**
It started out quite amusing and then quickly became rather boring. I persevered through to the end. It was quite amusing but not worth a second read. I guess that the story is really just the author's autobiography.
It goes like this: Heavy drinking, reasonably handsome, womanizing, young NY Jew, wannabe writer, gets fired from job, loses girlfriend, can't afford rented apartment, ends up couch-squatting in Lesbian couples pad, continues his life of debauchery, meets a girl who dumps him, eventually becomes plain and ordinary, and starts to succeed (whatever that means).

[Michelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

It's hard to decide what I think of this book. Parts were truly hysterical, and parts were incredibly smart. And a whole lot of it was over-the-top vulgar. I skipped whole sections at times because I just found reading them too crude. But, I wanted to keep reading to find out how it ended, so I kept going overall.

The end was fine; nothing amazing, but a good solid way to end the story. Overall, I'd give the book 2.5 stars if I could, probably. There were definitely some parts to it that elevated it above an "ok" rating. It just wasn't well-balanced enough.

[Amanda Smith · Rating 3 out of 5]

My review from amazon.com dated 3/30/2013

Title: Directed towards men

This was kind of a slow read for me. I didn't really get into the story until the end. It definitely directed more towards men than women. Some of the parts that I assume were supposed to be funny but I didn't really get.

Great read for a guy that wants a funny coming of age book.

[Sapna]

I got to the third chapter and couldn't read this anymore. I could empathize with the author and perhaps so much so that it felt like I was reading my own thoughts at times when I am in a negative place, which can be dangerous. Better safe to put this book down.

[Mike · Rating 3 out of 5]

An ok book. It reminded me of some of the angst I felt when I was younger before I got my shit together and life was more uncertain. Now I am more like the friends the protagonist has grown apart from... but with less money.

[Candice · Rating 3 out of 5]

Free on Kindle.

[Jennifer Erwin · Rating 1 out of 5]

Downloaded as a kindle freebie. So glad it was free. I made it to 8% in this book and had to put it down. I am obviously not the intended audience for this book.

[Michelle · Rating 1 out of 5]

I understand that this book was meant to be tongue in cheek. The author's writing is very well done, but I couldn't relate to the story.

[Rosemary Daly · Rating 1 out of 5]

Hated it. What I was hoping was a satirical parody on self-help books was just a waste of time. Thankfully, I got it for free. Otherwise it would have been a waste of money, as well.

[Jonathan Treble · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very amusing.