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The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses
Updated to commemorate its 20th anniversary, this classic resource further explores the effects of grief and sheds new light on how to begin to take effective actions to complete the grieving process and work towards recovery and happiness.
Incomplete recovery from grief can have a lifelong negative effect on the capacity for happiness. Drawing from their own histories as well as from others', the authors illustrate how it is possible to recover from grief and regain energy and spontaneity.
Based on a proven program, The Grief Recovery Handbook offers grievers the specific actions needed to move beyond loss. New material in this edition includes guidance for dealing
· Loss of faith
· Loss of career and financial issues
· Loss of health
· Growing up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional home
The Grief Recovery Handbook is a groundbreaking, classic handbook that everyone should have in their library.
“This book is required for all my classes. The more I use this book, the more I believe that unresolved grief is the major underlying issue in most people’s lives. It is the only work of its kind that I know of that outlines the problem and provides the solution.”—Bernard McGrane, Ph.D., Professor of Sociology, Chapman University
Incomplete recovery from grief can have a lifelong negative effect on the capacity for happiness. Drawing from their own histories as well as from others', the authors illustrate how it is possible to recover from grief and regain energy and spontaneity.
Based on a proven program, The Grief Recovery Handbook offers grievers the specific actions needed to move beyond loss. New material in this edition includes guidance for dealing
· Loss of faith
· Loss of career and financial issues
· Loss of health
· Growing up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional home
The Grief Recovery Handbook is a groundbreaking, classic handbook that everyone should have in their library.
“This book is required for all my classes. The more I use this book, the more I believe that unresolved grief is the major underlying issue in most people’s lives. It is the only work of its kind that I know of that outlines the problem and provides the solution.”—Bernard McGrane, Ph.D., Professor of Sociology, Chapman University
226 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 1988
1497 people are currently reading
3601 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 324 reviews
December 5, 2007
This book saved my life! While dealing with mom's sudden death and my dad's impending terminal illness, I felt that no one understood me or wanted to hear about my sorrow. I decided to seek out some help in alternative ways and ran across this book. Their no-nonsense approach was refreshing and provided some much needed honesty and candor about a topic that everyone else was afraid to discuss with me.
February 27, 2024
A wonderful, informative and helpful book to help with all kinds of losses, not only death. Me and a couple family members read this book and attended a Grief Counseling class at my church for 8 weeks to help us with the loss of our oldest brother and my nephews fiance. We found both very helpful. If you choose to just read this book or attend a class, it'll help you either way! 🕊️ If you find yourself at a loss of what to say to a grieving person, don't feel bad...no one does and it's okay!!
This book also meets another challenge of mine for this year to read a book that I have at home. I bought it for the class and I am extremely glad that I did, I will always have it to refer to.
Sending prayers for all of you! 🤍🙏
This book also meets another challenge of mine for this year to read a book that I have at home. I bought it for the class and I am extremely glad that I did, I will always have it to refer to.
Sending prayers for all of you! 🤍🙏
October 28, 2025
I’ve sampled a few self-help books about grief, but none of them really helped me all that much. Until I read this book.
It was completely by happenstance. I was sitting in a rehab lobby (long story) waiting for what seemed like forever. I didn’t have anything to do; I didn’t even have my phone on me. I paced up and down—I was detoxing from a relapse and still in the throes of all the symptoms of PTSD I suffered after my dad died. I was super anxious and needed SOMETHING to do. Finally I glanced at this bookshelf across the room from me. Most of the books weren’t interesting in the least.
I picked this book up, not expecting much, to be honest. It’s just that all the other books looked so dreadfully dull. So I thought what the hell, you never know. Maybe this could be useful.
Right from the beginning, this book spoke to me about grief in a way that I hadn’t ever heard it spoken of, and that felt instinctively “right,” as if it was putting my subconscious thoughts into words that I had never been able to find before.
First: all grief is unique. Just because you lost a father and I lost a father doesn’t mean you “understand what I’m going through.” What if you had a warm, loving relationship with your father and I had a cold, distanced relationship with mine?
And for me personally, I had so many layers to unpack with the complicated relationship I had with my father that, honestly, as simple as that statement was, I actually really needed to hear it. It went down deep into my stomach: “all grief is unique—because all relationships are unique.”
Second, the book pointed out that almost all the messages we are typically given about grief in our culture are PROFOUNDLY unhelpful. Most of them are intellectual statements or even downright harmful advice. Things like:
1. "Don’t feel" (or "don’t feel bad")
2. "Grieve alone"
3. "Replace the loss"
4. "Big boys don’t cry" (or something similar)
5. "Just give it time"
The authors of this book quickly and powerfully debunk each of these beyond refute. “Just give it time”, for instance? If you were driving along and got a flat tire, would you just sit there on the side of the road and wait for air to magically come back into the tire? If your arm was broken, would you just sit around at home waiting for it to just heal on its own? Just like a broken arm is a physical trauma to the body, experiencing a major loss is a great trauma to the mind. And no, it doesn’t “just get better with time.” We’ve all met people who have been grieving for decades and yet are still unpleasant, mopey people to be around. Or people who are still stuck in something else bad that happened to them, living life as victims decades later.
The co-authors of this book, who have worked with grievers for decades, assert in the first chapter of the book that THERE IS an actual protocol to follow for dealing with grief. There are specific steps that if you follow will complete the relationship that you lost and you will feel better. That’s the goal: feeling better. You can actually feel better.
As soon as I read this, I was immediately intrigued. It sounded too good to be true. But also I’m sick and tired of hearing everyone say “everyone grieves differently…there’s no formulaic process for it…it just takes time…” and all of the other bollocks about how there are so many paths to grief, etc. All that those statements had done for me was make me feel aimless, like I was wandering in a shifting labyrinth with no process, no progress, no timeline, no understanding, no solutions, and therefore ultimately no hope.
Because ultimately if you don’t have an actual program or plan or journey to step along, it just feels futile and pointless. That’s depressing. Those messages did not help me. So to say that I was intrigued that this book offered a different way of looking at it is an understatement.
A short digression mentioned in the book that I think is worth mentioning. A lot of people believe that grief is processed linearly through the stages of grief laid out by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. However, it is a fact that Kübler-Ross has repeatedly made it clear that
a) those stages were only deduced by her as she specifically studied people dying of cancer, and
b) she never intended to say that those stages are linearly progressed through AT ALL. The five stages are not linear. It saddens me that I hear this misinformation repeated on a weekly basis.
Anyways. The five stages aren't linear. But where does that leave us?
Enter The Grief Recovery Handbook. They claim that there absolutely IS a series of small, correct steps you can take to feel better. It has to do with completing the unique relationship that you lost.
The first time I read those words on the page, I remember where I was sitting. I was in an overstuffed aquamarine chair, reading late at night in this old Victorian house, still detoxing from my recent relapse, mostly bored out of my mind. I would work on recovery work all day and then in the evening I would settle down into this overstuffed chair and have an hour to myself to do something that nobody was making me do, one thing that I wanted to do because I enjoyed it. If you know me, it should be no surprise that that thing was reading.
I viscerally remember the two books I read while I was in that place. One was Understanding Kurt Vonnegut (love him). The other was the Grief Recovery Handbook. It was a solace to have these books, to have a small part of me that was still me in that place, even as I was doing this internal work to strip away and rebuild myself.
Everyone else at the rehab was there for recovery from addiction, and I was there for that too, but I was also there because of my intense grief, which was really the thing that had triggered my relapse. Luckily, one of my therapists there understood grief work and gave me some particular assignments and encouragement. The other thing I really had going for me was this book.
So I remember sitting there in that aquamarine chair and reading those words: grief is about “completing the relationship.” I put the book down. I didn’t yet know what the hell “completing the relationship” exactly was…but I knew that this simply felt like The Truth.
So I continued on. Next, the book (which is almost like a workbook in that it continually tells you the next thing to do, one at a time, in very short chapters—which is very much appreciated because, like many grievers, I about had the attention span of a walnut at the time) instructed me to build up awareness of the unique relationship I lost. What was so unique about my relationship with my dad? What was it really like? What specifically did I lose when I lost him?
This encouraged me to continue the work that I had already started, which was to write about my father. He was such a complex and misunderstood person, and my relationship with him was also so complex, that I knew I needed to write a lot in order to get it out, in order to even come to an understanding for myself. And then once I understood it myself, it was always so helpful to share that writing with someone else. To be heard, to be understood: that was the one thing I had discovered that kind of helped. It didn’t make it not hurt, but it was…different. And definitely better.
So anyways. I progressed through the book through the next several chapters. There were constantly moments when a line would jump out at me. And there were just so many things they claimed in this book that just felt very true at my core.
The first couple of chapters were all about dispelling the lies that our society has told us about grief which I mentioned earlier. I became sick to my stomach with anger at how our society treats grief, feeling how wrong it is, how wrong I’ve always felt it is.
When you get halfway through the book, it recommends that you stop and work the rest of the assignments with a partner, someone else who has grief work they want to do. From that point onward every assignment has two sets of instructions, one for if you’re working it with a partner and one for if you’re working it alone. I appreciate that. I can imagine a lot of people benefiting from first working it on their own if they just can’t get up the willingness to work it with someone else.
As for me though, I had done enough recovery work at this stage in my life to know that I needed to work it with someone else to get the full benefit. I figured, working the steps doesn't work on your own, so I couldn't conceive that doing grief work on your own would be any different. So I paused and waited and went back to reading my Kurt Vonnegut book.
After I got back home and got settled into my new normal (which was very different from my old normal, but that’s a story for another day), I cast around for any friends who also wanted to do grief work. I told them about this book and said I didn’t know for sure if it would work, but everything I had read in it so far was really helpful and just really felt true. As fortune had it, one of those friends told me he had already gone through the book on his own and was ready to go through it again with a partner. So we did.
We went super slow. We both had a lot going in our lives and both felt like grief is one of those things you can’t rush, so we just met every other week. The first few weeks we just read through the early chapters again, since they're so rich. It took us a few months before we even got to the chapters that had actual assignments.
When we got there, I rolled up my sleeves and got to work. The first assignment was to draw this timeline of grief events in your life. For each one you draw the line down farther to indicate the depth of the grief event. I was staggered to realize I had had so many grief events in the thirty-five years I've been on this earth. I ended up writing down over thirty.
The second assignment is to do a relationship graph. You pick one person that you want to focus on with your grief work: I picked my father, of course. Then you chart out all the most meaningful memories you have with them in a timeline with a written description for each event. Again I was staggered; I think I ended up with over forty events and I know I could have kept going if we wanted to get more granular.
In the next assignment you examine each of those events and identify if there’s anything you wish you could communicate to the person about that event. The categories are apologies, forgiveness statements, and the catch-all “emotionally impactful statements“ category to cover anything else that comes up.
For me, I noticed a lot of gratitude statements that came up, so I created a fourth category for that. I realized how many wonderful things that my dad had done for me that I had never said 'thank you' for. All the trips all over the world, all the adventures he made us do, like climbing Mt Shasta or canoeing in the Okefenokee Swamp. The latter was something I had always said was the “worst trip ever” in order to rib him, but I realized with tears that I actually am really grateful for that trip. I don’t think I had ever told him that.
And there were so many other things that I never told him. We had a gruff relationship, he and my brother and I. We had a lot of fun together but, as is so normal with guys, for some reason there were a lot of tender emotions that we just never expressed. My dad was on the spectrum. Me and my brother probably are too. I don’t know—we just didn’t say “thank you” that much. We didn’t say “I love you” even though we most definitely did. My dad didn’t ever say goodbye when he would leave. We just didn’t SAY these things.
So I’m sure you can guess where the final assignment takes you. You take all of those statements and put them into a letter to the person (or thing) that you lost. Then you read the letter out loud in front of your partner, and they read theirs.
About two months ago, when we read our letters to each other, it was a really sacred moment. I won’t try to describe it beyond that. It was really meaningful.
After that the book wraps up. It says “you’re complete now!” And it gives guidance on what to do when other memories come up that you had forgotten about, and it has various appendices for how to handle different tricky situations. But that’s it as far as the process goes.
Looking back, the process as a whole is surprisingly simple. It’s almost like the only reason the book had to be as long as it is (it’s like 200 pages; it’s not THAT long) was just to first debunk all the misinformation and obstacles and gunk that our society has fed us about grief. That’s probably a third of the book, maybe half. And it’s very needed. I know I needed it.
But the process isn't hard. It is hard in the sense that you have to be willing to sit down with your feelings. You have to be willing to do these assignments that are going to bring up a lot of feelings and at some point make you cry, maybe a lot.
But it's not complicated. It's actually very simple. And for me, it was very healing.
So yeah. I can’t give this book anything less than five stars, first of all because it helped me so much, but also because I can’t imagine it not being really helpful for most other people as well. This book is so underrated, I feel. All these self-help gurus out there go through a death and then think they’re qualified to write a whole universal grief book based on their single experience. Skip all those books. This book is written by people who have not only been through the wringer with their own grief but they have also worked with grievers of all kinds for like 30 or 40 years at this point. They really know what they’re talking about. And you won’t get all the empty platitudes and empty religion or intellectual statements or mumbo jumbo of all those other books. What you will get is an actual practical plan to actually deal with the grief and feel better.
So honestly, if you don’t want to feel better, don’t read this book. Stay far away.
I say that jokingly, but I did notice in myself a little bit of hesitation. It’s like part of me didn’t want to let go of my grief. So that’s been a whole interesting thing to be curious about and explore.
And so if that’s you, no judgment. But in my experience, working this process hasn’t taken anything away from me. It has only added. It hasn’t taken away my good memories of my father or how much I value our relationship. In fact, it’s given me a way of exploring that relationship and articulating in words, to another human being, just how valuable my relationship with my father actually was and why. So it hasn’t taken anything away. It’s only deepened and made the experience better. And it’s been healing: there really is no better word for it.
I heard a song come on today while I was working. It arrested my attention. It's called Honey, by the Grandbrothers. It's an instrumental song with so much emotional build and catharsis to it. I stopped my work and asked myself: what is it about this song that, with no words, is speaking so deeply to me?
Long story short, I ended up stopping and writing about my dad. And I'm going to keep the details private to myself. But I will say: something lifted. I finally felt more at peace with the whole thing.
It's been three years. And what a journey those three years have been. But you know what? I'm actually really grateful, in a way, for the grief work. I really am.
Grief connects us with what's most important in life. Up until this point in my life, whenever people had told me, "all that matters in life is love," I kind of responded with "yeah, yeah"—like, at an intellectual level I knew they were probably right, but that just wasn't how I was wired at that time. To me, life was about achieving something with my life, something important. I kept changing my mind every 6 months on what that thing was, but, you know—SOMETHING.
And in a way, that makes sense. I've been a young man in the warrior phase of his life for the last 17 years. It's that stage where you want to go out and conquer everything in the world. So it makes sense: what my life was about was CONQUERING things. Love was in the back of my mind, but it wasn't my ever-present guiding light. The pulse in my veins was ACTION. Accomplishment. War.
But when my father died, it all came crashing down. I stopped going to grad school. I stopped working my job for three weeks. And even when I went back in, it was like...all of life was just different. The conference rooms were the same, the stairwells the same, my desk was the same—minus the one hundred bananas that my coworkers had piled up on my desk, but that's a story for another day.
The point is, I was in the same place, interacting with the same people, going to the same meetings, doing the same job, but I was having a radically different experience. Suddenly, none of the things that mattered to me before mattered at all. I couldn't give a shit about being impressive, working harder than everyone, being smarter than everyone. I could not care one iota. I was literally living in a different reality. There was my life before that moment, and now there's my life after.
So doing this grief work has really caused me to slow down. And it has been 100%, with no reservations, a good thing. I spend more time with my family. I stop and look into people's eyes more often. Everyone matters to me: babies, old people, people different than me, people the same. Everyone.
And life matters more to me. It just matters. Ironic, since at first, my grief plunged me into a depression where nothing mattered. Now everything matters. Because it wasn't that nothing mattered when I was depressed. It's that I was burned out on worrying about all the things that didn't.
I feel like I'm waxing too philosophical to not make fun of myself here. And that's ok. But I don't have to do that—don't have to deflect. I can let it stand.
And I just want to say, if you're someone who is going through a major grief event—first, be gentle with yourself. Life's too short to live any other way. And second—in my experience, what really helped was just to focus on one little tiny positive action at a time. Anything more was overwhelming. And third: if and when you feel up to working a program on the grief—maybe give this book a shot? It can't make things any worse, can it?
So here's to wishing you well. Enjoy the journey. And hey—maybe we'll see each other along the way.
It was completely by happenstance. I was sitting in a rehab lobby (long story) waiting for what seemed like forever. I didn’t have anything to do; I didn’t even have my phone on me. I paced up and down—I was detoxing from a relapse and still in the throes of all the symptoms of PTSD I suffered after my dad died. I was super anxious and needed SOMETHING to do. Finally I glanced at this bookshelf across the room from me. Most of the books weren’t interesting in the least.
I picked this book up, not expecting much, to be honest. It’s just that all the other books looked so dreadfully dull. So I thought what the hell, you never know. Maybe this could be useful.
Right from the beginning, this book spoke to me about grief in a way that I hadn’t ever heard it spoken of, and that felt instinctively “right,” as if it was putting my subconscious thoughts into words that I had never been able to find before.
First: all grief is unique. Just because you lost a father and I lost a father doesn’t mean you “understand what I’m going through.” What if you had a warm, loving relationship with your father and I had a cold, distanced relationship with mine?
And for me personally, I had so many layers to unpack with the complicated relationship I had with my father that, honestly, as simple as that statement was, I actually really needed to hear it. It went down deep into my stomach: “all grief is unique—because all relationships are unique.”
Second, the book pointed out that almost all the messages we are typically given about grief in our culture are PROFOUNDLY unhelpful. Most of them are intellectual statements or even downright harmful advice. Things like:
1. "Don’t feel" (or "don’t feel bad")
2. "Grieve alone"
3. "Replace the loss"
4. "Big boys don’t cry" (or something similar)
5. "Just give it time"
The authors of this book quickly and powerfully debunk each of these beyond refute. “Just give it time”, for instance? If you were driving along and got a flat tire, would you just sit there on the side of the road and wait for air to magically come back into the tire? If your arm was broken, would you just sit around at home waiting for it to just heal on its own? Just like a broken arm is a physical trauma to the body, experiencing a major loss is a great trauma to the mind. And no, it doesn’t “just get better with time.” We’ve all met people who have been grieving for decades and yet are still unpleasant, mopey people to be around. Or people who are still stuck in something else bad that happened to them, living life as victims decades later.
The co-authors of this book, who have worked with grievers for decades, assert in the first chapter of the book that THERE IS an actual protocol to follow for dealing with grief. There are specific steps that if you follow will complete the relationship that you lost and you will feel better. That’s the goal: feeling better. You can actually feel better.
As soon as I read this, I was immediately intrigued. It sounded too good to be true. But also I’m sick and tired of hearing everyone say “everyone grieves differently…there’s no formulaic process for it…it just takes time…” and all of the other bollocks about how there are so many paths to grief, etc. All that those statements had done for me was make me feel aimless, like I was wandering in a shifting labyrinth with no process, no progress, no timeline, no understanding, no solutions, and therefore ultimately no hope.
Because ultimately if you don’t have an actual program or plan or journey to step along, it just feels futile and pointless. That’s depressing. Those messages did not help me. So to say that I was intrigued that this book offered a different way of looking at it is an understatement.
A short digression mentioned in the book that I think is worth mentioning. A lot of people believe that grief is processed linearly through the stages of grief laid out by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. However, it is a fact that Kübler-Ross has repeatedly made it clear that
a) those stages were only deduced by her as she specifically studied people dying of cancer, and
b) she never intended to say that those stages are linearly progressed through AT ALL. The five stages are not linear. It saddens me that I hear this misinformation repeated on a weekly basis.
Anyways. The five stages aren't linear. But where does that leave us?
Enter The Grief Recovery Handbook. They claim that there absolutely IS a series of small, correct steps you can take to feel better. It has to do with completing the unique relationship that you lost.
The first time I read those words on the page, I remember where I was sitting. I was in an overstuffed aquamarine chair, reading late at night in this old Victorian house, still detoxing from my recent relapse, mostly bored out of my mind. I would work on recovery work all day and then in the evening I would settle down into this overstuffed chair and have an hour to myself to do something that nobody was making me do, one thing that I wanted to do because I enjoyed it. If you know me, it should be no surprise that that thing was reading.
I viscerally remember the two books I read while I was in that place. One was Understanding Kurt Vonnegut (love him). The other was the Grief Recovery Handbook. It was a solace to have these books, to have a small part of me that was still me in that place, even as I was doing this internal work to strip away and rebuild myself.
Everyone else at the rehab was there for recovery from addiction, and I was there for that too, but I was also there because of my intense grief, which was really the thing that had triggered my relapse. Luckily, one of my therapists there understood grief work and gave me some particular assignments and encouragement. The other thing I really had going for me was this book.
So I remember sitting there in that aquamarine chair and reading those words: grief is about “completing the relationship.” I put the book down. I didn’t yet know what the hell “completing the relationship” exactly was…but I knew that this simply felt like The Truth.
So I continued on. Next, the book (which is almost like a workbook in that it continually tells you the next thing to do, one at a time, in very short chapters—which is very much appreciated because, like many grievers, I about had the attention span of a walnut at the time) instructed me to build up awareness of the unique relationship I lost. What was so unique about my relationship with my dad? What was it really like? What specifically did I lose when I lost him?
This encouraged me to continue the work that I had already started, which was to write about my father. He was such a complex and misunderstood person, and my relationship with him was also so complex, that I knew I needed to write a lot in order to get it out, in order to even come to an understanding for myself. And then once I understood it myself, it was always so helpful to share that writing with someone else. To be heard, to be understood: that was the one thing I had discovered that kind of helped. It didn’t make it not hurt, but it was…different. And definitely better.
So anyways. I progressed through the book through the next several chapters. There were constantly moments when a line would jump out at me. And there were just so many things they claimed in this book that just felt very true at my core.
The first couple of chapters were all about dispelling the lies that our society has told us about grief which I mentioned earlier. I became sick to my stomach with anger at how our society treats grief, feeling how wrong it is, how wrong I’ve always felt it is.
When you get halfway through the book, it recommends that you stop and work the rest of the assignments with a partner, someone else who has grief work they want to do. From that point onward every assignment has two sets of instructions, one for if you’re working it with a partner and one for if you’re working it alone. I appreciate that. I can imagine a lot of people benefiting from first working it on their own if they just can’t get up the willingness to work it with someone else.
As for me though, I had done enough recovery work at this stage in my life to know that I needed to work it with someone else to get the full benefit. I figured, working the steps doesn't work on your own, so I couldn't conceive that doing grief work on your own would be any different. So I paused and waited and went back to reading my Kurt Vonnegut book.
After I got back home and got settled into my new normal (which was very different from my old normal, but that’s a story for another day), I cast around for any friends who also wanted to do grief work. I told them about this book and said I didn’t know for sure if it would work, but everything I had read in it so far was really helpful and just really felt true. As fortune had it, one of those friends told me he had already gone through the book on his own and was ready to go through it again with a partner. So we did.
We went super slow. We both had a lot going in our lives and both felt like grief is one of those things you can’t rush, so we just met every other week. The first few weeks we just read through the early chapters again, since they're so rich. It took us a few months before we even got to the chapters that had actual assignments.
When we got there, I rolled up my sleeves and got to work. The first assignment was to draw this timeline of grief events in your life. For each one you draw the line down farther to indicate the depth of the grief event. I was staggered to realize I had had so many grief events in the thirty-five years I've been on this earth. I ended up writing down over thirty.
The second assignment is to do a relationship graph. You pick one person that you want to focus on with your grief work: I picked my father, of course. Then you chart out all the most meaningful memories you have with them in a timeline with a written description for each event. Again I was staggered; I think I ended up with over forty events and I know I could have kept going if we wanted to get more granular.
In the next assignment you examine each of those events and identify if there’s anything you wish you could communicate to the person about that event. The categories are apologies, forgiveness statements, and the catch-all “emotionally impactful statements“ category to cover anything else that comes up.
For me, I noticed a lot of gratitude statements that came up, so I created a fourth category for that. I realized how many wonderful things that my dad had done for me that I had never said 'thank you' for. All the trips all over the world, all the adventures he made us do, like climbing Mt Shasta or canoeing in the Okefenokee Swamp. The latter was something I had always said was the “worst trip ever” in order to rib him, but I realized with tears that I actually am really grateful for that trip. I don’t think I had ever told him that.
And there were so many other things that I never told him. We had a gruff relationship, he and my brother and I. We had a lot of fun together but, as is so normal with guys, for some reason there were a lot of tender emotions that we just never expressed. My dad was on the spectrum. Me and my brother probably are too. I don’t know—we just didn’t say “thank you” that much. We didn’t say “I love you” even though we most definitely did. My dad didn’t ever say goodbye when he would leave. We just didn’t SAY these things.
So I’m sure you can guess where the final assignment takes you. You take all of those statements and put them into a letter to the person (or thing) that you lost. Then you read the letter out loud in front of your partner, and they read theirs.
About two months ago, when we read our letters to each other, it was a really sacred moment. I won’t try to describe it beyond that. It was really meaningful.
After that the book wraps up. It says “you’re complete now!” And it gives guidance on what to do when other memories come up that you had forgotten about, and it has various appendices for how to handle different tricky situations. But that’s it as far as the process goes.
Looking back, the process as a whole is surprisingly simple. It’s almost like the only reason the book had to be as long as it is (it’s like 200 pages; it’s not THAT long) was just to first debunk all the misinformation and obstacles and gunk that our society has fed us about grief. That’s probably a third of the book, maybe half. And it’s very needed. I know I needed it.
But the process isn't hard. It is hard in the sense that you have to be willing to sit down with your feelings. You have to be willing to do these assignments that are going to bring up a lot of feelings and at some point make you cry, maybe a lot.
But it's not complicated. It's actually very simple. And for me, it was very healing.
So yeah. I can’t give this book anything less than five stars, first of all because it helped me so much, but also because I can’t imagine it not being really helpful for most other people as well. This book is so underrated, I feel. All these self-help gurus out there go through a death and then think they’re qualified to write a whole universal grief book based on their single experience. Skip all those books. This book is written by people who have not only been through the wringer with their own grief but they have also worked with grievers of all kinds for like 30 or 40 years at this point. They really know what they’re talking about. And you won’t get all the empty platitudes and empty religion or intellectual statements or mumbo jumbo of all those other books. What you will get is an actual practical plan to actually deal with the grief and feel better.
So honestly, if you don’t want to feel better, don’t read this book. Stay far away.
I say that jokingly, but I did notice in myself a little bit of hesitation. It’s like part of me didn’t want to let go of my grief. So that’s been a whole interesting thing to be curious about and explore.
And so if that’s you, no judgment. But in my experience, working this process hasn’t taken anything away from me. It has only added. It hasn’t taken away my good memories of my father or how much I value our relationship. In fact, it’s given me a way of exploring that relationship and articulating in words, to another human being, just how valuable my relationship with my father actually was and why. So it hasn’t taken anything away. It’s only deepened and made the experience better. And it’s been healing: there really is no better word for it.
I heard a song come on today while I was working. It arrested my attention. It's called Honey, by the Grandbrothers. It's an instrumental song with so much emotional build and catharsis to it. I stopped my work and asked myself: what is it about this song that, with no words, is speaking so deeply to me?
Long story short, I ended up stopping and writing about my dad. And I'm going to keep the details private to myself. But I will say: something lifted. I finally felt more at peace with the whole thing.
It's been three years. And what a journey those three years have been. But you know what? I'm actually really grateful, in a way, for the grief work. I really am.
Grief connects us with what's most important in life. Up until this point in my life, whenever people had told me, "all that matters in life is love," I kind of responded with "yeah, yeah"—like, at an intellectual level I knew they were probably right, but that just wasn't how I was wired at that time. To me, life was about achieving something with my life, something important. I kept changing my mind every 6 months on what that thing was, but, you know—SOMETHING.
And in a way, that makes sense. I've been a young man in the warrior phase of his life for the last 17 years. It's that stage where you want to go out and conquer everything in the world. So it makes sense: what my life was about was CONQUERING things. Love was in the back of my mind, but it wasn't my ever-present guiding light. The pulse in my veins was ACTION. Accomplishment. War.
But when my father died, it all came crashing down. I stopped going to grad school. I stopped working my job for three weeks. And even when I went back in, it was like...all of life was just different. The conference rooms were the same, the stairwells the same, my desk was the same—minus the one hundred bananas that my coworkers had piled up on my desk, but that's a story for another day.
The point is, I was in the same place, interacting with the same people, going to the same meetings, doing the same job, but I was having a radically different experience. Suddenly, none of the things that mattered to me before mattered at all. I couldn't give a shit about being impressive, working harder than everyone, being smarter than everyone. I could not care one iota. I was literally living in a different reality. There was my life before that moment, and now there's my life after.
So doing this grief work has really caused me to slow down. And it has been 100%, with no reservations, a good thing. I spend more time with my family. I stop and look into people's eyes more often. Everyone matters to me: babies, old people, people different than me, people the same. Everyone.
And life matters more to me. It just matters. Ironic, since at first, my grief plunged me into a depression where nothing mattered. Now everything matters. Because it wasn't that nothing mattered when I was depressed. It's that I was burned out on worrying about all the things that didn't.
I feel like I'm waxing too philosophical to not make fun of myself here. And that's ok. But I don't have to do that—don't have to deflect. I can let it stand.
And I just want to say, if you're someone who is going through a major grief event—first, be gentle with yourself. Life's too short to live any other way. And second—in my experience, what really helped was just to focus on one little tiny positive action at a time. Anything more was overwhelming. And third: if and when you feel up to working a program on the grief—maybe give this book a shot? It can't make things any worse, can it?
So here's to wishing you well. Enjoy the journey. And hey—maybe we'll see each other along the way.
August 5, 2010
I highly recommend this book to anyone dealing with any grief in their lives. It's very hands on but worth the work it takes. It was very helpful for me and gives me a good place to go. Rereading my notes and assignments is always good for me if I'm struggling on one particular day. It helped me map out my life, document the major life events, and realize what affected me most. Then they help you through the process, talking you through each step and why it's important, and giving examples from their own lives. Best self-help book I've ever read.
May 10, 2013
I really appreciated this book for the first half. I related to so many things, especially all the unhelpful phrases well-meaning people tend to say, like "You'll find someone better" or "It's all for the best," or "God has a plan." Hearing someone else say that none of these things is remotely helpful and learning ways that we often learn to repress our grief rather than work it out is very encouraging. However, I strongly disagreed with many statements made in the second half, including the complete disregard for faith and its role in the healing process. I understood the point the authors were trying to make in that grief transcends religious boundaries, but to rule it out in the grief process entirely is not only foolish but, in my opinion, hurtful. And the idea that one should never ask for forgiveness from someone is equally foolish. Yes, I understand the point that one need's to take responsibility for one's own actions and say "sorry" where necessary, understanding that forgiveness may or may not be given, but to deny that forgiveness should ever be asked for? And they stated that never under any circumstances should you seek out someone to tell them you forgive them. While certainly there are times when someone does not even know they've wronged you and all this would do is incite someone, there are also times when someone knows they've done wrong and you may have withheld forgiveness for a very long time, only later realizing that you should forgive. In this time of instance, offering forgiveness can go a long way toward restoring a relationship.
All that aside, there are some very good insights. However, considering they mentioned that when the book was written "the world is still reeling from the death of Diana," I think some changes may have been made in the way we look at and treat grief.
However, if you are grieving or know someone that is, I highly recommend the first half of the book, especially to know what NOT to say when doing your very best to help your struggling loved one.
2.5/5
All that aside, there are some very good insights. However, considering they mentioned that when the book was written "the world is still reeling from the death of Diana," I think some changes may have been made in the way we look at and treat grief.
However, if you are grieving or know someone that is, I highly recommend the first half of the book, especially to know what NOT to say when doing your very best to help your struggling loved one.
2.5/5
April 23, 2020
I will start off by saying that I know this book and their program has helped thousands of people who are struggling with grief and that is great. For the people who get something out of this book, I'm glad it exists for that purpose.
As far as I go, I was disappointed by a few things in the book.
1) In one section, they ask victims of abuse to not only forgive their abusers but also to apologize. I don't think victims should ever be required to forgive their abusers, but I understand the weight that can be lifted if someone is able to do that. However, being asked to apologize to abusers seemed like an inappropriate ask. What do they have to apologize for? They were not the cause of their abuse. The authors also but victim in quotation marks as if being a victim is not a real thing.
2) They recommended against seeking out support groups that are specific to a certain kind of grief. I disagree with that strongly. Sometimes finding people who have experienced similar things are the best people to help you process. It does not make sense for someone whose family member just took their life seek out someone who just got divorced. They are both valid losses but do not have a lot of crossover in grief types.
3) The authors essentially say that once you have gone through their steps, you have officially "completed grief". If you don't feel complete in your grief, it means you did something wrong and you must repeat the steps. That oversimplifies grief, especially when it is complex grief. Not all grief can be "completed" by making timelines and writing a letter. And to insinuate that someone is still grieving because they didn't get over it using these steps can make someone feel really isolated and like there is something wrong with them if they can't deal with it.
As far as I go, I was disappointed by a few things in the book.
1) In one section, they ask victims of abuse to not only forgive their abusers but also to apologize. I don't think victims should ever be required to forgive their abusers, but I understand the weight that can be lifted if someone is able to do that. However, being asked to apologize to abusers seemed like an inappropriate ask. What do they have to apologize for? They were not the cause of their abuse. The authors also but victim in quotation marks as if being a victim is not a real thing.
2) They recommended against seeking out support groups that are specific to a certain kind of grief. I disagree with that strongly. Sometimes finding people who have experienced similar things are the best people to help you process. It does not make sense for someone whose family member just took their life seek out someone who just got divorced. They are both valid losses but do not have a lot of crossover in grief types.
3) The authors essentially say that once you have gone through their steps, you have officially "completed grief". If you don't feel complete in your grief, it means you did something wrong and you must repeat the steps. That oversimplifies grief, especially when it is complex grief. Not all grief can be "completed" by making timelines and writing a letter. And to insinuate that someone is still grieving because they didn't get over it using these steps can make someone feel really isolated and like there is something wrong with them if they can't deal with it.
December 26, 2015
I first learnd of this book through Jim Beaver's Memoir of his wife, Cecily Adams in "Life's That Way" -I wish I'd read this years ago. I've read so much of the 'self help' and 'Twelve Step" genre over the years that I've become a bit jaded about a lot of it. Friedman throws a whole new approach and sensibility (tempered with good humor) that transcends the usual "Pull Yourself Up By Your Bootstraps" or "Let Go and Let God Run the Dumptruck Over Her/Him" (had to throw in a funny, there) preaching that a lot of self guidance books tend to sink into. I've experienced two, severe, devastating losses during the last 18 months - and this time, I mean to learn and heal instead of making the same stupid 'repitition compulsion' driven mistakes.
July 7, 2020
I cannot recommend this book to anyone looking for help with current grieving. It may be a good book to go through when you are not in the midst of grieving a loss and to help you think about how you have learned to deal with loss, and to think about relationships in general. The authors spend a lot of time in the beginning talking about how great their methods are, as well as interspersing long stories of their own personal losses throughout the book. You are pretty much told that what you think and feel is probably wrong and you should do it their way. The fact that the title of the letter you write to your loved one toward the end of the book is copyrighted tells me that these people are trying to or maybe already have based a business around the book, in other words, trying to make money- take advantage of people's grief. I haven't investigated to see if they have a whole slew of products. This book is from 2009, so it may have gone by the wayside. Anyway, this has been a long review to say that I don't think you should buy this book if you or someone you know recently experienced the death of a loved one, because it is not helpful.
June 29, 2024
Leave it to two white men to assume they know how to “solve” grief, extremely prescriptive, bordering on preachy. Extremely uneducated in trauma, and the complexities of grief. Perspective is heteronormative, not queer, friendly, minimal cultural awareness.
May 8, 2018
This book is simply profound for anyone dealing with unresolved grief. In my opinion, it therefore is great reading for most people (even if they may not realize it). But more, it tasks you with actions to take, and those behavioral changes and homework done on oneself are what makes this program work as it does. This program is not for the faint of heart, or for those afraid to look deep within, or simply don't buy into the fact that mere reading will not cut it. Hospice is an amazing philosophy and I'm grateful my community offered this for my work with and about Jay. I now have tools in my emotional reservoir to look hard at my other losses, see what else is unresolved, and do the work moving forward...all in the noble goal of stronger happiness and promoting the capability to stay and appreciate every present moment and the full breadth of emotions life offers.
May 16, 2022
This book was completely useless to me. Nothing in it brought comfort or assurance. The idea that grief needs to be “completed” so I can “go on with my life” implies that I or my grief is incomplete and that I can’t go on with it. But why can’t I live with grief? Why should it be in the past?
It brings me to insights that I liked better from other grief books, such as: this can’t be fixed, it can only be carried. This handbook kept trying to fix me and my grief, which I find almost insulting and offensive as an approach.
I’m glad there are other grief professionals who advocate an ideology and approach that I better agree with.
It brings me to insights that I liked better from other grief books, such as: this can’t be fixed, it can only be carried. This handbook kept trying to fix me and my grief, which I find almost insulting and offensive as an approach.
I’m glad there are other grief professionals who advocate an ideology and approach that I better agree with.
January 30, 2024
Just reviewing, a refresher. Everyone needs that little tweak once in a while, just to see how they are doing.
May 29, 2022
“Depression” - if someone feels sad, one frequently throws the word.
A Commonly used phrase, "I felt depressed."
Chuck the internet, spews out misinformation, seek qualified sources in the field.
For Mental Health, always, always seek out professional, who is trained in the field.
1. So, Why did I read this work?
Someone shared with me a story.
This person shared, how they were trying to become a doctor.
The narrative of people in Tamil Nadu; become a doctor or engineer -- if not, you're a failure.
This person said, as I failed to become a doctor.
I fell into depression - really? They had become a Teacher.
Was it Depression or Grief?
But is it true, Depression?
Misinformation, false labels create false beliefs.
Maybe it was Grief i.e loss of a dream? Do their parents know about this, nope! Wrong!
Another Story, A Tamil Girl goes through relationship break up, her friends say, “Move On”, “Time heals.”
This is all wrong stuff to say to the person according to Professionals.
Ouch, if you are a Man — painful truth, maybe want to be accurate with your oneself i.e self-awareness.
Most Men would not accept that they want to grow or have an area that they need to work on in their life - Why? Pride, Lack of growth mindset.
Emotional isolation is a major problem for grievers.
To Men:
1) Can you label your own emotions?
2) Can you express how you feel?
3) Can you feel about your own feelings?
4) If your loved ones are crying, can you sit with them, feel their feelings, instead of trying to fix it?
Many Women want to be felt heard, felt loved, felt appreciated, not fix stuff for them.
Maybe you’d say, “Oh, she went emotional.” Maybe, not.
Perhaps, time to work on this area of your life.
If you do, you'd enjoy higher-quality relationships in your life.
2. What is Grief?
“Grief, normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind.”
Grief is by definition emotional.
“Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.“
3. What is happening in the midst of Grief?
You may have experienced a loss of trust in a parent, a loss of trust in God, or a loss of trust in any other relationship.
There are two very distinct probabilities following a loss:
(1) your religious or spiritual faith may be shattered or shaken
(2) regardless of the nature of the loss, your faith is undamaged.
A LOSS OF ALIVENESS
So, What does one do with Grief?
Two words not to use for Grief:
-guilt
-survivor
Many people use this as a narrative.
Recovery means claiming your circumstances instead of your circumstances claiming you and your happiness.
Recovery is finding new meaning for living, without the fear of being hurt again.
What are the misinformations about Grief?
Misinformations:
1. Don’t feel bad.
2. Replace the loss.
3. Grieve alone.
4. Just give it time.
5. Be strong for others.
6. Keep busy.
“grief just takes time,” the next most difficult hurdle for grievers to overcome is the incorrect belief that other people or events are responsible for their feelings.”
“Get a hold of yourself.”
“You can’t fall apart.”
“Keep a stiff upper lip.”
“Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.”
“We understand how you feel.”
“Be thankful you have other children.”
“The living must go on.”
“He’s in a better place.”
“All things must pass.”
“She led a full life.”
“God will never give you more than you can handle.”
“You shouldn’t be angry with God.”
“I can forgive, but I can’t forget.”
“I can forgive, but I can’t forget” is that, since I cannot forget, I will not forgive.
But ask yourself: Who stays in jail?
Who continues to resent and shut down his or her own mind, body, and heart?
Whose life is limited by the lack of forgiveness?
4. So, How does one go back to meaningful life?
One can do with a partner or alone.
1. Create Loss history Graph
2. Create Relationship History Graph
Three things involved:
- Be Totally Honesty
-Be Absolute Confidentiality
-Bring Uniqueness and Individuality
Avoid Pitfalls:
Avoid monologue, consider rather discussing.
Avoid becoming analytical, critical, or judgmental.
Go through them, Be Honest.
Expressing incomplete Grief:
Apologies
Forgiveness
Significant Emotional Statements
Write a Letter with this, Do not send to the living person. Send to a trusted Friend.
P.S: I’m not a Professional. Always reach out to Professionals, self-educate about yourself, your family story.
I'd reiterate, read basic works, get yourself educated, meet Professionals in the field.
I'd recommend this work, the core of this book is the process of Grief.
Deus Vult,
Gottfried
A Commonly used phrase, "I felt depressed."
Chuck the internet, spews out misinformation, seek qualified sources in the field.
For Mental Health, always, always seek out professional, who is trained in the field.
1. So, Why did I read this work?
Someone shared with me a story.
This person shared, how they were trying to become a doctor.
The narrative of people in Tamil Nadu; become a doctor or engineer -- if not, you're a failure.
This person said, as I failed to become a doctor.
I fell into depression - really? They had become a Teacher.
Was it Depression or Grief?
But is it true, Depression?
Misinformation, false labels create false beliefs.
Maybe it was Grief i.e loss of a dream? Do their parents know about this, nope! Wrong!
Another Story, A Tamil Girl goes through relationship break up, her friends say, “Move On”, “Time heals.”
This is all wrong stuff to say to the person according to Professionals.
Ouch, if you are a Man — painful truth, maybe want to be accurate with your oneself i.e self-awareness.
Most Men would not accept that they want to grow or have an area that they need to work on in their life - Why? Pride, Lack of growth mindset.
Emotional isolation is a major problem for grievers.
To Men:
1) Can you label your own emotions?
2) Can you express how you feel?
3) Can you feel about your own feelings?
4) If your loved ones are crying, can you sit with them, feel their feelings, instead of trying to fix it?
Many Women want to be felt heard, felt loved, felt appreciated, not fix stuff for them.
Maybe you’d say, “Oh, she went emotional.” Maybe, not.
Perhaps, time to work on this area of your life.
If you do, you'd enjoy higher-quality relationships in your life.
2. What is Grief?
“Grief, normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind.”
Grief is by definition emotional.
“Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.“
3. What is happening in the midst of Grief?
You may have experienced a loss of trust in a parent, a loss of trust in God, or a loss of trust in any other relationship.
There are two very distinct probabilities following a loss:
(1) your religious or spiritual faith may be shattered or shaken
(2) regardless of the nature of the loss, your faith is undamaged.
A LOSS OF ALIVENESS
So, What does one do with Grief?
Two words not to use for Grief:
-guilt
-survivor
Many people use this as a narrative.
Recovery means claiming your circumstances instead of your circumstances claiming you and your happiness.
Recovery is finding new meaning for living, without the fear of being hurt again.
What are the misinformations about Grief?
Misinformations:
1. Don’t feel bad.
2. Replace the loss.
3. Grieve alone.
4. Just give it time.
5. Be strong for others.
6. Keep busy.
“grief just takes time,” the next most difficult hurdle for grievers to overcome is the incorrect belief that other people or events are responsible for their feelings.”
“Get a hold of yourself.”
“You can’t fall apart.”
“Keep a stiff upper lip.”
“Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.”
“We understand how you feel.”
“Be thankful you have other children.”
“The living must go on.”
“He’s in a better place.”
“All things must pass.”
“She led a full life.”
“God will never give you more than you can handle.”
“You shouldn’t be angry with God.”
“I can forgive, but I can’t forget.”
“I can forgive, but I can’t forget” is that, since I cannot forget, I will not forgive.
But ask yourself: Who stays in jail?
Who continues to resent and shut down his or her own mind, body, and heart?
Whose life is limited by the lack of forgiveness?
4. So, How does one go back to meaningful life?
One can do with a partner or alone.
1. Create Loss history Graph
2. Create Relationship History Graph
Three things involved:
- Be Totally Honesty
-Be Absolute Confidentiality
-Bring Uniqueness and Individuality
Avoid Pitfalls:
Avoid monologue, consider rather discussing.
Avoid becoming analytical, critical, or judgmental.
Go through them, Be Honest.
Expressing incomplete Grief:
Apologies
Forgiveness
Significant Emotional Statements
Write a Letter with this, Do not send to the living person. Send to a trusted Friend.
P.S: I’m not a Professional. Always reach out to Professionals, self-educate about yourself, your family story.
I'd reiterate, read basic works, get yourself educated, meet Professionals in the field.
I'd recommend this work, the core of this book is the process of Grief.
Deus Vult,
Gottfried
May 29, 2024
A great book for everyone to read to gain new perspectives on how to complete your losses and grief. These tools and exercises I will carry with me and apply to my life.
November 21, 2011
I read this book a few years ago, while I was in the midst of an unraveling relationship. I was coping with that loss and a very difficult year and dealing with 20 years of unresolved grief from my father's death when I was six. At the time, I had taken baby steps toward healing by finally opening up to my friends and loved ones, but I was having a great deal of difficulty moving on. I decided to take a course on Death and Dying as part of my degree program, and this book was required reading. Not only did I have to read it, I had to do all the exercises and share them with people in the course.
I hated every single minute of it--mostly because, I think, I wasn't altogether ready to rip off the scabs from years of suffering. I was also never an open person, so it felt trite and intrusive. Despite that feeling, I gave it my all. I rolled my eyes a lot and complained a lot. I didn't think it helped at all. Shortly thereafter, my Mama got terminally ill. I had to basically give up my life to take care of her. I found myself face-to-face with so much grief in such a short amount of time that I didn't know how to even breathe. But I realized that I was able to face the grief this time because of the work I'd done with this book. After my Mama passed away, I used the techniques in the book to deal with these new pains. And I've since tried to do these things for every unresolved event/painful relationship in my life.
This book is not miraculous, but it does give you a method of doing the work you need to do. For me, no matter what grief it is, the key is to acknowledge it exists. That's what this book does. It provides a gate to fully acknowledging the pain in your life--sometimes, the pain is connected to other pain and you're unaware of it. It's a first step, and it will not "fix" you. Only you can do that, and you can take these tools and make them work for you. For the critics who say it focuses on divorce and death too much--I disagree. The technique is really what's valuable here--not the circumstance. I found it helpful to just skip to the techniques instead of reading the commentary. The technique can be built upon and interpreted differently, but it will help shed light on different things. It's true that nothing is one size fits all. You have to be willing to work--and willing to fall down multiple times. I recommend this technique as one part of a strategy of coping. Another part would be building support networks for yourself, seeking alternate ways of expressing yourself, and (of course) therapy.
It's been seven years since my Mama died, and I am still dealing with the losses in my life on a daily basis. But they no longer eat away at me, and I can face them with a certainty that I will survive them. You will never be the same, but you can face your life and learn to carry your burdens with grace.
I hated every single minute of it--mostly because, I think, I wasn't altogether ready to rip off the scabs from years of suffering. I was also never an open person, so it felt trite and intrusive. Despite that feeling, I gave it my all. I rolled my eyes a lot and complained a lot. I didn't think it helped at all. Shortly thereafter, my Mama got terminally ill. I had to basically give up my life to take care of her. I found myself face-to-face with so much grief in such a short amount of time that I didn't know how to even breathe. But I realized that I was able to face the grief this time because of the work I'd done with this book. After my Mama passed away, I used the techniques in the book to deal with these new pains. And I've since tried to do these things for every unresolved event/painful relationship in my life.
This book is not miraculous, but it does give you a method of doing the work you need to do. For me, no matter what grief it is, the key is to acknowledge it exists. That's what this book does. It provides a gate to fully acknowledging the pain in your life--sometimes, the pain is connected to other pain and you're unaware of it. It's a first step, and it will not "fix" you. Only you can do that, and you can take these tools and make them work for you. For the critics who say it focuses on divorce and death too much--I disagree. The technique is really what's valuable here--not the circumstance. I found it helpful to just skip to the techniques instead of reading the commentary. The technique can be built upon and interpreted differently, but it will help shed light on different things. It's true that nothing is one size fits all. You have to be willing to work--and willing to fall down multiple times. I recommend this technique as one part of a strategy of coping. Another part would be building support networks for yourself, seeking alternate ways of expressing yourself, and (of course) therapy.
It's been seven years since my Mama died, and I am still dealing with the losses in my life on a daily basis. But they no longer eat away at me, and I can face them with a certainty that I will survive them. You will never be the same, but you can face your life and learn to carry your burdens with grace.
May 10, 2024
There is some helpful material in this book - charts, for instance - and I'm sincerely glad for everyone who has been helped by it. However, I personally found a lot about it to be deeply unhelpful.
The unhelpful stuff is mostly centred around their absolute insistence, throughout the book, that you can only heal or recover from grief if you do exactly what they say in exactly the way they say you should do it. (At least the first third of the book could be summed up as "How everybody in the world is getting this wrong except us"!)
This made me increasingly uncomfortable, and I felt talked down to and, quite frankly, bossed about, throughout the book.
The irony of the fact that they keep stressing "the uniqueness of your individual recovery", while simultaneously insisting that the only way to ever be "emotionally complete" is to follow their instructions to the letter, was not lost upon me. (And they most definitely are giving instructions not advice!)
There's a point where they say: "It may seem like we are pressuring you. In fact, we are sharing many years of experience..." And I'm like: "Great. So now you're pressuring me and gaslighting me about the fact that you're pressuring me." :/
My Mum died just over three months ago. What has worked for me personally is a mixture of talking to people I trust, writing poetry (not the letter, in a very specific format, that these guys demand), and (contrary to these writers' absolute insistence) some times of grieving and weeping alone.
For me, though I believe that we all need the support of others to have the best chance of grieving in a healthy way, there is also a need to spend some time grieving alone. There are some aspects of my grief that I personally could not have processed if I hadn't had that alone time as well as times when I was surrounded by the support of people I trusted.
So, as I say, I am glad for every person who has been, is being, or will be helped by this book and by the work of these two men. But I am utterly convinced and absolutely adamant that their method is not the only way to healthily recover from grief, or to become "emotionally complete". In fact, I'd go as far as to say that I am living proof of that.
The unhelpful stuff is mostly centred around their absolute insistence, throughout the book, that you can only heal or recover from grief if you do exactly what they say in exactly the way they say you should do it. (At least the first third of the book could be summed up as "How everybody in the world is getting this wrong except us"!)
This made me increasingly uncomfortable, and I felt talked down to and, quite frankly, bossed about, throughout the book.
The irony of the fact that they keep stressing "the uniqueness of your individual recovery", while simultaneously insisting that the only way to ever be "emotionally complete" is to follow their instructions to the letter, was not lost upon me. (And they most definitely are giving instructions not advice!)
There's a point where they say: "It may seem like we are pressuring you. In fact, we are sharing many years of experience..." And I'm like: "Great. So now you're pressuring me and gaslighting me about the fact that you're pressuring me." :/
My Mum died just over three months ago. What has worked for me personally is a mixture of talking to people I trust, writing poetry (not the letter, in a very specific format, that these guys demand), and (contrary to these writers' absolute insistence) some times of grieving and weeping alone.
For me, though I believe that we all need the support of others to have the best chance of grieving in a healthy way, there is also a need to spend some time grieving alone. There are some aspects of my grief that I personally could not have processed if I hadn't had that alone time as well as times when I was surrounded by the support of people I trusted.
So, as I say, I am glad for every person who has been, is being, or will be helped by this book and by the work of these two men. But I am utterly convinced and absolutely adamant that their method is not the only way to healthily recover from grief, or to become "emotionally complete". In fact, I'd go as far as to say that I am living proof of that.
November 2, 2020
The authors believe they have devised a strategy whereby grievers can work through a program of recovery and feel "complete" in letting go of their grief. That seems ridiculous to me, but in fairness to them, they beg that we readers do the actual exercises rather than just read about them, and I have not done them, so perhaps I don't know how good and "complete" I could feel if I did.
In summary, they recommend we make a loss graph of every major loss (including moving, getting fired, getting divorced, getting humiliated, etc.) in our life, including the worst one, and that then we make a relationship graph about the person involved in each loss in which we list all the major events of our time together. Then we are to write a letter the person with apologies, forgiveness, and a completion closing that ends with goodbye. I did make the loss graph, but the thought of continuing on and making graphs about all my hurts is just exhausting. In many ways, I feel I have already worked through much of the work they are encouraging -- recalling the events of my childhood that were traumatic, forgiving (in my mind or out loud) the people who hurt me, and in the case of my ex-husband and children, apologizing for all the ways I hurt them. And while I do think that working through these issues and memories has been helpful, I am not sure this is what I would recommend for someone in fresh grief.
I do agree that society tries to get us to hide our grief, act normal, and move on before we are emotionally ready. I also agree that forgiving and apologizing are important components of our own emotional growth. But the step-by-step workshopping of this, especially as they recommend, with a partner, just sounds too hard for most people. This book did not bring me comfort.
In summary, they recommend we make a loss graph of every major loss (including moving, getting fired, getting divorced, getting humiliated, etc.) in our life, including the worst one, and that then we make a relationship graph about the person involved in each loss in which we list all the major events of our time together. Then we are to write a letter the person with apologies, forgiveness, and a completion closing that ends with goodbye. I did make the loss graph, but the thought of continuing on and making graphs about all my hurts is just exhausting. In many ways, I feel I have already worked through much of the work they are encouraging -- recalling the events of my childhood that were traumatic, forgiving (in my mind or out loud) the people who hurt me, and in the case of my ex-husband and children, apologizing for all the ways I hurt them. And while I do think that working through these issues and memories has been helpful, I am not sure this is what I would recommend for someone in fresh grief.
I do agree that society tries to get us to hide our grief, act normal, and move on before we are emotionally ready. I also agree that forgiving and apologizing are important components of our own emotional growth. But the step-by-step workshopping of this, especially as they recommend, with a partner, just sounds too hard for most people. This book did not bring me comfort.
January 21, 2014
I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to "clean house" when it comes to releasing grief and coming to a place of completion with the losses in their life.
I read this book and did the work it suggested in conjunction with working with a grief counselor after my mother's passing. I will also be doing the training program to strengthen my own skill set as a spiritual counselor who specializes in grief support and life transitions.
This isn't an airy-fairy fix, it's a roll-up your sleeves and git 'er done, say what there is to say and move on, action based approach to loss.
It was hard, sometimes teary work, but I loved it!
I read this book and did the work it suggested in conjunction with working with a grief counselor after my mother's passing. I will also be doing the training program to strengthen my own skill set as a spiritual counselor who specializes in grief support and life transitions.
This isn't an airy-fairy fix, it's a roll-up your sleeves and git 'er done, say what there is to say and move on, action based approach to loss.
It was hard, sometimes teary work, but I loved it!
June 13, 2015
The third section of the Grief Recovery Handbook details steps a grieving person can take in order to complete their grief work, and is helpful. However, the first two sections of the book explain, in detail, how most of society has been trained incorrectly on how to grieve, and how unhelpful this is. While I agree with this, it can be a bit much to read; as I felt it tore down everything I knew before it finally started to build me back up again, and if the authors' specific methods don't work for a particular reader, they may be left with less of a positive outlook than when they began reading.
June 18, 2019
I highly recommend this book. It gives you a feeling of being understood. It covers all kinds of loss in all areas of life and gives you a method for what the authors call "completing your emotions." This method might not work for everyone or for every loss. But I think it is worth the effort and cannot hurt. I will be trying to implement the suggested steps in my own way. One caveat to the reader: I feel strongly that, because person's each grief is unique, everyone should be free to take the suggestions and use them in their own unique way, not necessarily or dogmatically following the exact path laid out in the book.
November 4, 2013
I read mostly fiction, but there was a time just after my bereavement two years ago that I scoured bookstore shelves and e-books list for any helpful grief books, hoping that they would give me wisdom to help me better understand my experience, and that they could speak to me on a personal level in the quiet solitude of my darkest days. A kind of lifeline to carry around.
But I got no success, or perhaps I didn’t search well. I’m not the religious type of a person, and I’m not so much into reading inspirational books, though I have read a few of them.
It was only last year that I was able to get hold of an e-book copy of this self-help grief book The Grief Recovery Handbook. It is actually a teaching manual handbook on how to recover from grief. The authors draw from their own histories of grief (one about divorce, the other the death of a child and a grandfather), as well as from others to illustrate how it is possible to recover from grief and regain energy and spontaneity through a well-defined plan. The readers or grievers are offered with specific actions, or guidelines coupled with some homework activities.
The book didn’t give me the miracle I need, maybe because I didn’t work with their method or stay on track with the program. The handbook however impresses on me some valuable information about my situation: that there are no absolutes in grief; that recovery from loss is achieved by a series of small and correct choices made by the griever; that incomplete recovery from grief can have a lifelong negative effect on the capacity for happiness; that one can have complete grief recovery only by being totally honest with himself or herself and others; and that there are several pieces of misinformation about dealing with loss. I also learned that saying “I’m” fine is often a lie.
In fact, I get better insights on grief from reading fiction than any information or clinical method I got from the handbook. Some of the novels that have really gained me something valuable carry the universal theme of loss and the different ways people deal with it.
Maybe I’m just trying to justify my fiction addiction.
But I got no success, or perhaps I didn’t search well. I’m not the religious type of a person, and I’m not so much into reading inspirational books, though I have read a few of them.
It was only last year that I was able to get hold of an e-book copy of this self-help grief book The Grief Recovery Handbook. It is actually a teaching manual handbook on how to recover from grief. The authors draw from their own histories of grief (one about divorce, the other the death of a child and a grandfather), as well as from others to illustrate how it is possible to recover from grief and regain energy and spontaneity through a well-defined plan. The readers or grievers are offered with specific actions, or guidelines coupled with some homework activities.
The book didn’t give me the miracle I need, maybe because I didn’t work with their method or stay on track with the program. The handbook however impresses on me some valuable information about my situation: that there are no absolutes in grief; that recovery from loss is achieved by a series of small and correct choices made by the griever; that incomplete recovery from grief can have a lifelong negative effect on the capacity for happiness; that one can have complete grief recovery only by being totally honest with himself or herself and others; and that there are several pieces of misinformation about dealing with loss. I also learned that saying “I’m” fine is often a lie.
In fact, I get better insights on grief from reading fiction than any information or clinical method I got from the handbook. Some of the novels that have really gained me something valuable carry the universal theme of loss and the different ways people deal with it.
Maybe I’m just trying to justify my fiction addiction.
August 10, 2012
This book is OK. I bought after the recommendation of a friend and I can say that I don't think I would recommend this book. There are to many other great resources out there that can equip and assist others in grief recovery. Being one who has academically studied grief, crisis, loss, trauma, etc..I found myself being frustrated reading this book. After years of research in these areas, I tend to disagree more than agree. However, there are some good points to walk away with.
December 2, 2020
Exceptional book even if you're not grieving in the traditional sense. Identifies and adds perspective to many of our Western beliefs, reactions, and advice regarding change and loss.
I wish I had read this years earlier. Highly recommended.
I wish I had read this years earlier. Highly recommended.
January 11, 2024
Absolutely love this book and recommend it to everyone. People carry so much unprocessed emotional pain and we need more books like this that provide a step-by-step process to recovery so that people can live an emotional-baggage free life.
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December 1, 2024This book is like a roadmap to “completing” and processing grief. I don’t agree that this is the “only” or “more correct” way to process grief, but I do think there were meaningful exercises that can help grief be processed in a healthy way. I gained insights and liked that it named how much loss we face over a lifetime that our society does not view as loss and grief.
April 9, 2018
A tricky review to write, because this self-help book makes an important promise, as self-help books generally do. I'd think anyone reading my review of it might want to know whether the authors and the book deliver on that promise. That is, will the grief caused by death, divorce, trauma, moving, abuse, loss of career or trust or safety, loss of faith or mobility or physical or mental ability actually be lessened as a result of actions described in this guidebook? I don't know... but I do believe the authors' sincerity in presenting their methods and in supporting the workshops and lectures they have created to accompany the book. I believe they have helped thousands of grieving people "complete their grief," as the book puts it, or lighten their loads -- as I might.
I have not worked through the process yet. THe book's structure is clean and the process is well presented. Still, some of the steps felt repetitive and unecessary to me, in reading them, so I found myself reading on, page by page, trying to glean what I could to then make a decision about what action I would possibly take later. I am still at that stage now, deciding what action I might take. Interestingly, I do feel a bit lighter already. I suppose inadvertently, I've confronted a few important questions involving my mom's recent death and other losses, and even without meaning to, I undertook the initial steps of the guidebook's process as a result. So although I did not create my own "loss history graph" to then convert to a "relationship graph," nor did I write a good-bye letter of completeness, I did gain a clearer understanding of what grief is and why it hits so hard, sneaks up on us even when we think we're doing fine, and why the same messages may run on repeat in our heads, long after the person is gone and the problems with that person seemed to have already been resolved. So if that's already the case just from reading the book, I'd imagine that a thorough process of working through the steps (with a group or a partner, or alone) would indeed deliver some excellent results. This book was recommended to me by a trusted friend, and I'm glad I managed to get a copy to keep. I read every bit of it with genuine interest, and I'm sure I will refer back to it over time.
The edition I read was the 20th anniversary expanded edition from 2009, that I believe includes new passages on Alzheimers, my specific interest, and PTSD.
I have not worked through the process yet. THe book's structure is clean and the process is well presented. Still, some of the steps felt repetitive and unecessary to me, in reading them, so I found myself reading on, page by page, trying to glean what I could to then make a decision about what action I would possibly take later. I am still at that stage now, deciding what action I might take. Interestingly, I do feel a bit lighter already. I suppose inadvertently, I've confronted a few important questions involving my mom's recent death and other losses, and even without meaning to, I undertook the initial steps of the guidebook's process as a result. So although I did not create my own "loss history graph" to then convert to a "relationship graph," nor did I write a good-bye letter of completeness, I did gain a clearer understanding of what grief is and why it hits so hard, sneaks up on us even when we think we're doing fine, and why the same messages may run on repeat in our heads, long after the person is gone and the problems with that person seemed to have already been resolved. So if that's already the case just from reading the book, I'd imagine that a thorough process of working through the steps (with a group or a partner, or alone) would indeed deliver some excellent results. This book was recommended to me by a trusted friend, and I'm glad I managed to get a copy to keep. I read every bit of it with genuine interest, and I'm sure I will refer back to it over time.
The edition I read was the 20th anniversary expanded edition from 2009, that I believe includes new passages on Alzheimers, my specific interest, and PTSD.
February 16, 2021
This Book Did Not Help My Grief
I wasted my time reading this book. My wife of twenty five years passed away two months ago. I thought perhaps this book would help me in my grieving process. It did not. First let me state that I am an educated senior citizen, and my faith in God is strong and unshaken. I was deeply in love with my wife when she passed and always will be. I miss her terribly and cry every day, and none of the “psycho babble” in this book will change that! I do not believe in the author’s concept of “completion,” which is the same concept as closure. And writing letters will not heal my broken heart! I do believe I will feel better in time. But no amount of writing is going to fill the gap in my life that losing my wife has left. And I will never, never use the word “goodbye,” in any communication with my wife.
Immediately after my beloved wife passed I reviewed our entire relationship, and made the apologies I needed to and I know she forgives me. I am at peace with all the “should haves, would haves and could haves.”
I know she still loves me, and watches over me and always will. But I miss her, and yearn for her. I am GRIEVING, and will for a very long time. And no charts, graphs or silly letters will change that...No completion. Sorry guys but your book did not work for me.
I wasted my time reading this book. My wife of twenty five years passed away two months ago. I thought perhaps this book would help me in my grieving process. It did not. First let me state that I am an educated senior citizen, and my faith in God is strong and unshaken. I was deeply in love with my wife when she passed and always will be. I miss her terribly and cry every day, and none of the “psycho babble” in this book will change that! I do not believe in the author’s concept of “completion,” which is the same concept as closure. And writing letters will not heal my broken heart! I do believe I will feel better in time. But no amount of writing is going to fill the gap in my life that losing my wife has left. And I will never, never use the word “goodbye,” in any communication with my wife.
Immediately after my beloved wife passed I reviewed our entire relationship, and made the apologies I needed to and I know she forgives me. I am at peace with all the “should haves, would haves and could haves.”
I know she still loves me, and watches over me and always will. But I miss her, and yearn for her. I am GRIEVING, and will for a very long time. And no charts, graphs or silly letters will change that...No completion. Sorry guys but your book did not work for me.
October 28, 2019
wow. honestly, a book i believe every single human needs to read and work through. this book changed my life.
i wish everyone i knew read this book and did the emotional work outlined here. if everyone did, i know there would be less problems across the board. getting into it with our emotions is so needed and the steps in this book are totally essential for dealing with relationships, loss and love in this modern society.
i should probably give it a quick reread. also, i find it helpful to go through the motions with the steps (the grief chart, the letter, etc) with multiple relationships in your life that can hold discordant energy.
one thing i love about this work... is that most people find it through immense pain. the death of a child or loved one. but most of the time, the people that the relationship graph and all is focused on ends up being a parent.... because all wounds start in childhood and they start with the parent.
again. every single human needs to read this book.
i wish everyone i knew read this book and did the emotional work outlined here. if everyone did, i know there would be less problems across the board. getting into it with our emotions is so needed and the steps in this book are totally essential for dealing with relationships, loss and love in this modern society.
i should probably give it a quick reread. also, i find it helpful to go through the motions with the steps (the grief chart, the letter, etc) with multiple relationships in your life that can hold discordant energy.
one thing i love about this work... is that most people find it through immense pain. the death of a child or loved one. but most of the time, the people that the relationship graph and all is focused on ends up being a parent.... because all wounds start in childhood and they start with the parent.
again. every single human needs to read this book.
March 8, 2013
Had a bad experience with this book. May be good for residual grief in cases where that is the only issue. My client -- who had real issues with stress generally, got into a "certified group" based on this book and being pushed to bring back all the details of her traumas in excruciating detail threw her in to multiple seizures and migraines. I've worked a lot with grieving and most people are able to deal with and let go of trauma without essentially reliving the traumas in such detail. That said, acknowledging the reality of grief and validating grief under many different circumstances -- and recognizing the insensitivity and inability of many to deal with grievers in a positive way is a positive contribution made by the authors.
May 24, 2023
What made this book powerful for me was doing the work with outside help and seeing changes occur because of it. If I were to have just read it for the sake of reading it, I don’t think I’d like it.
It took me a long time to “read” because of the homework assignments and the re-reading it asks you to do. It’s pretty amazing when you truly take the time to make this book truly complete any unfinished emotional business you may have, relationship pain you may be holding on to, etc.
It’s amazing. A beautiful way to see grief and just so glad I had some help through the process. It made all the difference 🙌
It took me a long time to “read” because of the homework assignments and the re-reading it asks you to do. It’s pretty amazing when you truly take the time to make this book truly complete any unfinished emotional business you may have, relationship pain you may be holding on to, etc.
It’s amazing. A beautiful way to see grief and just so glad I had some help through the process. It made all the difference 🙌
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