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Illegal Aliens
An alien task force searching for test subjects for their experiments meets their match in a tough New York City street gang
336 pages, Mass Market Paperback
First published January 1, 1989
44 people are currently reading
230 people want to read
About the author
Nick Pollotta
41 books26 followersNick Pollotta also writes as Nicholas Pollotta, Jack Hopkins, and house names James Axler and Don Pendleton.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 45 reviews
May 13, 2021
Reads like it was done as a comic book first, then converted to prose. It's fine as a low-brow space shoot-em-up fantasy, with exaggerated characters, extended battles, ridiculous SF tech and weapons, and lots of testosterone-driven nonsense. The writing is fine - competent but uninspired. There are a few stupid mistakes like using the phrase lunar rotation, when it should have been a lunar revolution, and having a character blushing from "sex talk" when what was being discussed was explicitly not sex. Descriptions like "Sakadea was a quiet, scholarly man whose sole interests" were "stock market and chasing babes" which makes no fucking sense. The whole thing was mildly entertaining, and mildly humorous, but had no real depth. The best part was the chapter on the trial at the end, which were presented as series of transcripts. About 2 and half stars.
I picked this one up because of Phil Foglio's name, but his work on Girl Genius is far superior to this book.
I picked this one up because of Phil Foglio's name, but his work on Girl Genius is far superior to this book.
January 25, 2011
Definitely fun. Definitely an airplane book. (You only need the time on a long flight to get through it.) I really enjoyed the satire and abundance of word-play and puns. It may be an old joke, but its a good one... I LOVE the save-the-world-by-accident idea. Makes it that much more likely I'll get my chance, right?
An added bonus 'my' copy of this book has been passed through many people with the stipulation that when you're done with it you pass it on to another person who will enjoy it. Considering that it's fun, and I adore Pollotta and Foglio's other works, I look forward to finding the next victim, uh erm hmm, reader...
An added bonus 'my' copy of this book has been passed through many people with the stipulation that when you're done with it you pass it on to another person who will enjoy it. Considering that it's fun, and I adore Pollotta and Foglio's other works, I look forward to finding the next victim, uh erm hmm, reader...
March 23, 2011
Whee!
I know it wasn't written as a period piece, but this first contact story set in early 1989 is just as funny for the portraits of dour Soviet generals and tape-deck carrying street gangs as for its jokes.
Note, this is not gritty realistic or well thought-out scifi. Our human heroes are just plucky and better than aliens - no real reason why. The world is only slightly above four-color. The TSR imprint definitely comes through, with a real feel that chunks of this were written around the gaming table.
I know it wasn't written as a period piece, but this first contact story set in early 1989 is just as funny for the portraits of dour Soviet generals and tape-deck carrying street gangs as for its jokes.
Note, this is not gritty realistic or well thought-out scifi. Our human heroes are just plucky and better than aliens - no real reason why. The world is only slightly above four-color. The TSR imprint definitely comes through, with a real feel that chunks of this were written around the gaming table.
October 29, 2007
BWAAA HA HA!
If you love science fiction and you're a smart ass, you will love this book. It's jam packed with all kinds of sci-fi references and cheesy characters! Totally hilarious! Makes fun of everyone and doesn't hold back! I like the reporter - smearing paint on himself whenever something good happens!!
"Fiercely, the blue being on the wall monitor scowled at the First Contact Team, his shoulders strait, his eyes wide, his uniform incorrectly buttoned."
If you love science fiction and you're a smart ass, you will love this book. It's jam packed with all kinds of sci-fi references and cheesy characters! Totally hilarious! Makes fun of everyone and doesn't hold back! I like the reporter - smearing paint on himself whenever something good happens!!
"Fiercely, the blue being on the wall monitor scowled at the First Contact Team, his shoulders strait, his eyes wide, his uniform incorrectly buttoned."
July 29, 2013
I liked the first half of the book more than the second half, which tried too hard to be something its not (this is really two books sold as one).
However the idea that the first contact party with an alien species isn't exactly the team you would pick, but the exact opposite was extremely funny. And the unique take on why the aliens decide to contact Earth resonated.
Well worth a beach read, or if you need cheering up (especially as you can buy the digital version for $3).
However the idea that the first contact party with an alien species isn't exactly the team you would pick, but the exact opposite was extremely funny. And the unique take on why the aliens decide to contact Earth resonated.
Well worth a beach read, or if you need cheering up (especially as you can buy the digital version for $3).
November 15, 2022
I should have liked this book more than I did. I'm a HUGE Phil Foglio fan -- but it just didn't grab me.
For one thing, I know I was reading an electronic version (Kindle), but it needed a human line editor BADLY. The spelling was fine (spellcheck clearly used), but the punctuation and misuse of words was jarring (it looked like someone upturned a box of commas and just sprinkled them liberally throughout the manuscript); all too often it would throw me out of the story.
Next was the lack of a compelling major character. The story is populated with a lot of fun characters, but most are fleeting and the entire cast seemed to change every other chapter. It almost read like two novellas pushed together to get to book-length.
There's a fun little story here, but it just wasn't for me.
For one thing, I know I was reading an electronic version (Kindle), but it needed a human line editor BADLY. The spelling was fine (spellcheck clearly used), but the punctuation and misuse of words was jarring (it looked like someone upturned a box of commas and just sprinkled them liberally throughout the manuscript); all too often it would throw me out of the story.
Next was the lack of a compelling major character. The story is populated with a lot of fun characters, but most are fleeting and the entire cast seemed to change every other chapter. It almost read like two novellas pushed together to get to book-length.
There's a fun little story here, but it just wasn't for me.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 12, 2022
A first contact scenario I had not seen before: The aliens are ruthless criminals who choose "test subjects" to play with who also happen to be ruthless criminals. My initial inclination, when I was halfway through, was to give it three stars, since the jokes are not that original and the characters lack depth and, in many cases, don't stay around as the plot shifts gears or the characters die. However, the plot is dominant, and it is highly original; the characters are not all that weak; and some of the jokes come back later in the book, like a scorpionfly emerged from its pupa, in new and interesting form.
April 7, 2024
Fond Memories
I first read this novel when it was published as a paperback decades ago and picked up the eBook out of nostalgia as much as anything. It was written and published at the height of the Cold War when nuclear war between NATO and the Warsaw Pact was a very real possibility.
The novel is a bit comedic in a sarcastic vein poking fun at alien invasion stories, cold war politics and visions of how poor downtrodden humanity must fight for its acceptance in the galactic community.
Lots of fun so long as you don't try to take it too seriously, perfect fast light summer reading material.
I first read this novel when it was published as a paperback decades ago and picked up the eBook out of nostalgia as much as anything. It was written and published at the height of the Cold War when nuclear war between NATO and the Warsaw Pact was a very real possibility.
The novel is a bit comedic in a sarcastic vein poking fun at alien invasion stories, cold war politics and visions of how poor downtrodden humanity must fight for its acceptance in the galactic community.
Lots of fun so long as you don't try to take it too seriously, perfect fast light summer reading material.
May 31, 2017
This is a fun, almost whimsical first encounter tale, where it's not always clear who the aliens actually are.
The back of the book nicely covers the important plot points- aliens show up on Earth, and abduct humans to take part in their "games". Unfortunately for them, they abducted New York's toughest biker gang, who don't play by the rules, and start the first of many galactic incidents.
There's a nice array of alien races with their own quirks, technology, and strange cultural phenomena.
The back of the book nicely covers the important plot points- aliens show up on Earth, and abduct humans to take part in their "games". Unfortunately for them, they abducted New York's toughest biker gang, who don't play by the rules, and start the first of many galactic incidents.
There's a nice array of alien races with their own quirks, technology, and strange cultural phenomena.
September 30, 2019
Humans rule, aliens drool!
That's it in a nutshell. The story is puerile and the humor isn't funny. The characters were forgettable. So much so, that the final chapter lists what happened to everyone by name, but I had no idea who most of them were.
That's it in a nutshell. The story is puerile and the humor isn't funny. The characters were forgettable. So much so, that the final chapter lists what happened to everyone by name, but I had no idea who most of them were.
October 18, 2019
Written in 1989, this has all the color of the time, with a lot of crazy thrown in. Parts that made me raise an eyebrow usually were redeemed with proper ass kicking later.
Fun, but not one I need to keep myself.
Fun, but not one I need to keep myself.
March 30, 2021
I came across this book when I was reading TV Tropes so I decided to buy it and read it. It was a novelty read for me. However, it is not a book that I would want to keep and the copy I got had quite a few typos.
August 19, 2021
Interesting to see Phil writing when he usually draws. This is funny with most of the humor coming from situations more than characters or dialogue. There are also many very subtle references to other SF stories and shows.
January 1, 2022
Love it!
Loved the action and humor. Lots of fan references to other media that really complimented the story! The politics were very real.
Loved the action and humor. Lots of fan references to other media that really complimented the story! The politics were very real.
May 21, 2022
Despite the plethora of typos and some bad editing, this novel was a great romp! Very typical, in many areas, of Phil's great work over the years! Well worth getting a copy and giving it a read!
August 4, 2023
A bit dated these days but I still consider very funny work of scifi that does not take itself too seriously. The editions with the art are better, obviously.
November 1, 2023
Great
Loved this in paperback. Reread it many times to ward off civil society's overwhelming power. Nice kindle editing with the cover art.
Loved this in paperback. Reread it many times to ward off civil society's overwhelming power. Nice kindle editing with the cover art.
March 3, 2017
Very HHGTTG-ish and is very fun. It's in my 3 year re-read queue and doesn't grow stale.
February 8, 2019
Having read this book when it was originally released (1989!), I knew this was going to be a nostalgia read going in to it. For the most part, it didn't disappoint. I knew it was going to be a funny sci-fi romp, and I remembered enough of the key scenes to look forward to them.
What I found interesting is that, while I found it funny, I didn't find it laugh-out-loud funny like I did when I was seventeen. Pollatta and Foglio have the right kind of sense of humor to appeal to me, but none of it was knee-slapping. After a while, I started being able to predict when the jokes were coming, because they always put it at the end of a group of three comparisons, the first two being normal, and the last one being the punchline. They were still funny, but the cadence started to feel familiar.
Also, the book is really two stories. The first is one of first encounter with an alien spaceship, and the second is what happens when Earthlings start out on their own space exploration. The first half of the book was the better story, likely because the characters who begin the novel are a part of the first half, and in the second half, we get a (mostly) new cast of characters. It was hard to maintain the level of interest I brought to the first half, because honestly, those characters were more interesting.
I don't regret re-reading the book, but it was a little disappointing to find that it wasn't all I remembered it being. On the bright side, that's going to be the case with almost all nostalgia re-reads, and it was still entertaining enough for me to give it three stars. I'll count that as a win.
What I found interesting is that, while I found it funny, I didn't find it laugh-out-loud funny like I did when I was seventeen. Pollatta and Foglio have the right kind of sense of humor to appeal to me, but none of it was knee-slapping. After a while, I started being able to predict when the jokes were coming, because they always put it at the end of a group of three comparisons, the first two being normal, and the last one being the punchline. They were still funny, but the cadence started to feel familiar.
Also, the book is really two stories. The first is one of first encounter with an alien spaceship, and the second is what happens when Earthlings start out on their own space exploration. The first half of the book was the better story, likely because the characters who begin the novel are a part of the first half, and in the second half, we get a (mostly) new cast of characters. It was hard to maintain the level of interest I brought to the first half, because honestly, those characters were more interesting.
I don't regret re-reading the book, but it was a little disappointing to find that it wasn't all I remembered it being. On the bright side, that's going to be the case with almost all nostalgia re-reads, and it was still entertaining enough for me to give it three stars. I'll count that as a win.
March 12, 2016
This book is not very good. It is dated, not that funny and becomes a completely different story halfway through.
In a way I must admit I was impressed. You have to be very sure of yourself as an author to scrap the premise and 90% of your characters and start a completely different story without signalling that to your readers. Even then I had the strong impression the author had become bored of writing, because in both cases the ending feels rushed and impressively uninspired.
To begin with the end, the second story is surprisingly both boring and too short. Never reaching the number of jokes the first part has, it feels like padding, shoved in because the original premise was not strong enough to carry a whole book but too long for a short story.
The first part works much better, as long as the author cared he wrote a couple of nice jokes. Story, characters, settings and conventions are incredibly conventional, but that is to be expected from a text that is nearly thirty years old. The sad fact is, that it never becomes a funny story. There are jokes – most of them work – but there is never that step that makes a text with jokes into a funny story.
The first part is a very old story that doesn't quite work. The second is a boring slog. The book does not create the goodwill to overcome this.
In a way I must admit I was impressed. You have to be very sure of yourself as an author to scrap the premise and 90% of your characters and start a completely different story without signalling that to your readers. Even then I had the strong impression the author had become bored of writing, because in both cases the ending feels rushed and impressively uninspired.
To begin with the end, the second story is surprisingly both boring and too short. Never reaching the number of jokes the first part has, it feels like padding, shoved in because the original premise was not strong enough to carry a whole book but too long for a short story.
The first part works much better, as long as the author cared he wrote a couple of nice jokes. Story, characters, settings and conventions are incredibly conventional, but that is to be expected from a text that is nearly thirty years old. The sad fact is, that it never becomes a funny story. There are jokes – most of them work – but there is never that step that makes a text with jokes into a funny story.
The first part is a very old story that doesn't quite work. The second is a boring slog. The book does not create the goodwill to overcome this.
March 5, 2016
I remember reading this book as a teenager and loved it. I recently stumbled across it whilst browsing for something else but bought it as soon as I saw it - £1.99 is a bargain for this book. How could I resist? I was just worried that re-reading it might spoil a childhood memory. I needn't have worried, it's still an excellent read and very funny with some genuine laugh-out-loud rib-ticklers in there.
This novel is almost two books in one, really. The first half centres around the first human contact with aliens - the violent NY street gang (and unlikely heroes) the Bloody Deckers are the only ones who can save the day. The second half deals with Earth's (or should I say Dirt's?) first attempts at exploring the stars and trying to gain entry into the Galactic League. Both halves are full of laughs and adventure, with some great, imaginative and alien ideas from the authors.
Well worth a read! I was saddened to read that Nick Pollotta has passed away but on the basis of this book his other works (Bureau 13 and others) must also be worth checking out.
This novel is almost two books in one, really. The first half centres around the first human contact with aliens - the violent NY street gang (and unlikely heroes) the Bloody Deckers are the only ones who can save the day. The second half deals with Earth's (or should I say Dirt's?) first attempts at exploring the stars and trying to gain entry into the Galactic League. Both halves are full of laughs and adventure, with some great, imaginative and alien ideas from the authors.
Well worth a read! I was saddened to read that Nick Pollotta has passed away but on the basis of this book his other works (Bureau 13 and others) must also be worth checking out.
February 8, 2015
What's the difference between a 'road crew' and a 'street gang'?
Because the survival of Earth depends on it.
Absolutely hilarious.... space aliens pick up a 'road crew' to determine Earth's worthiness; except it's not a road crew they pick up. And actually they really aren't determining Earth's worthiness - they're just trying to screw with the 'Dirt'lings' minds before they destroy the planet. Why? Because they're bad guys and they like doing things like that.
Action, adventure, hunky guys in uniform aka the space marines, bad puns, space travel, the good guys win and even a little lite romance. You can't ask for anything more.
Because the survival of Earth depends on it.
Absolutely hilarious.... space aliens pick up a 'road crew' to determine Earth's worthiness; except it's not a road crew they pick up. And actually they really aren't determining Earth's worthiness - they're just trying to screw with the 'Dirt'lings' minds before they destroy the planet. Why? Because they're bad guys and they like doing things like that.
Action, adventure, hunky guys in uniform aka the space marines, bad puns, space travel, the good guys win and even a little lite romance. You can't ask for anything more.
November 15, 2015
One of my favorite books of all time.
Until I discovered Good Omens by Pratchett and Gaiman, this was my favorite book. The question is though. Do I review the book by how I enjoy it, or by this edition. While the text is intact, Phil Foglio's original illustrations are not included. Which were part of what made it so great. Definitely still a great read. I wish the illustrations were included.
Until I discovered Good Omens by Pratchett and Gaiman, this was my favorite book. The question is though. Do I review the book by how I enjoy it, or by this edition. While the text is intact, Phil Foglio's original illustrations are not included. Which were part of what made it so great. Definitely still a great read. I wish the illustrations were included.
August 30, 2007
Is it Ulysses? No. It's almost a shock that they are presented in the same medium. But if you want a little funny juvenile book to entertain you on a plane or in a car or as you try to relax on a lazy Sunday, this is your book. ***** if you have no pretensions or are an 11 year old boy. **-*** if you aren't. I am emotionally 11 years old, so I enjoyed this quite a lot.
January 21, 2008
I read this because a regular customer brought me in his own copy to read. It was very violent, and had lots about the rivalry between the USSR and USA, which did not age well. Plus the guys just couldn't seem to end it. I guess they had much fun writing it. I stopped 30 pages from the end--just couldn't read any more...
January 8, 2009
just started this morning. about 15 pages in, so far. funny, with a goofy sense of humor. I like it so far, and will keep reading.
Finished it yesterday. pretty good. Classic over-the-top-space-opera. Pretty funny stuff. They've got a great sense of humor and timing, and there were a couple elements I didn't expect. Will re-read in a couple years.
Finished it yesterday. pretty good. Classic over-the-top-space-opera. Pretty funny stuff. They've got a great sense of humor and timing, and there were a couple elements I didn't expect. Will re-read in a couple years.
January 18, 2008
Co-written by the man who would go on to create the webcomic/comic Girl Genius and shares much of the same sense of humor and pneumatic heroines.
A light, fun read. It isn't trying to set up a trilogy and it isn't trying to become the next HitchHiker's Guide. Perfect for a long airplane ride.
A light, fun read. It isn't trying to set up a trilogy and it isn't trying to become the next HitchHiker's Guide. Perfect for a long airplane ride.
March 3, 2014
I absolutely adore this book. It's just a lot of fun. It is written tongue in cheek and gives you a combination of action and humor that only Nick Pollotta can deliver.
Aliens, street gangs, more aliens, bureaucracy, space ships, space marines, and humanity triumphs.
I love this book!
Aliens, street gangs, more aliens, bureaucracy, space ships, space marines, and humanity triumphs.
I love this book!
July 21, 2011
This is one of a few books that I reread when I decided I hate humanity and really need a pick me up. The humor is wonderful! I love the English to English translator and cannot help but laugh when reading some of the things we say everyday translated literally.
September 10, 2024
Puh, das war anstrengend. Ich glaube, dass amerikanischer Humor mit meiner Auffassung von Humor einfach überhaupt nicht zusammen passt. Witzig war hier nichts. Ich fand das ganze Buch, also beide Teile, ziemlich albern. Überhaupt nicht mein Ding.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 45 reviews