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The Wounded Heart
Sexual abuse not only destroys trust, relationships, and dreams, it also causes grief, stress, and feelings of guilt and shame. This book examines the issues surrounding sexual abuse while looking to God for restoration and peace.
• Includes information about false memory issues
• Indexed for easy reference
• Also available: The Wounded Heart Workbook
• Includes information about false memory issues
• Indexed for easy reference
• Also available: The Wounded Heart Workbook
304 pages, Paperback
First published May 1, 1990
359 people are currently reading
2333 people want to read
About the author
Dan B. Allender
58 books395 followersDan B. Allender, Ph.D, is a fly fisherman who also serves as president and professor of counseling at Mars Hill Graduate School near Seattle, Washington. He is a therapist in private practice, and a frequent speaker and seminar leader. Dan received his M.Div. from Westminster Theological Seminary and his Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Michigan State University. He is the author of To Be Told: Know Your Story / Shape Your Future, How Children Raise Parents, and The Healing Path, as well as The Wounded Heart, Bold Love, and Intimate Allies. He and his wife, Rebecca, are the parents of three children.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 149 reviews
April 30, 2011
The trouble with most books for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse is they focus on a very specific victim profile (women whose traumatic experiences led straight to poor school performance, substance abuse or eating disorders, depression, running away, revictimization, etc). If that doesn't reflect your experience you may be left to conclude like I did that you don't need/deserve help. This book helped change my mind. Dan Allender goes beyond soothing platitudes (sometimes, "it wasn't your fault" just isn't enough) and helps the reader understand the context in which sexual abuse happens and the kinds of damage it does to individuals. Traumatic experiences break us all in different ways but this book helped me identify what was whole and what was cracked within myself and gave me a place to start on my journey from just surviving to healing. I highly recommend it.
August 25, 2012
No one and I mean NO ONE, has the intricate and clear insight and wisdom into the issue of abuse like Dr. Dan Allender. Coming through my own process of abuse was a dark and difficult journey, but I couldn't have done so without this book!
Dan Allender has a true picture of the human soul; it's longing, sinfulness and depravity, but also it's glory, beauty and heartprint of God's desire and intent.
EVERY person that has suffered at the hands of sexual abuse and those who know someone who has, must read this book!
Dan Allender has a true picture of the human soul; it's longing, sinfulness and depravity, but also it's glory, beauty and heartprint of God's desire and intent.
EVERY person that has suffered at the hands of sexual abuse and those who know someone who has, must read this book!
September 11, 2019
Read it - even if you don't think the topic applies to you. You probably know someone who has experienced childhood sexual abuse, even if you haven't experienced it yourself. And even if you don't know anyone who has experienced this terrible form of abuse, you've probably been betrayed in some way, right? This book still contains the powerful message of the gospel applied to the mess and pain of broken relationships, and as such, still has the power to change lives. This book changed my life. It wasn't an easy read, but it was well worth it.
April 29, 2023
I can't recommend this book enough. I can't warn the reader enough about this book.
I don't mind sharing at all: I am a survivor of sexual abuse. The further I get through my recovery, the more essential I find transparency to be; we can't expect change if abusers know their victims will bow their heads silently in shame the rest of their lives. Abusers need to live in absilute knowledge that one day the person they assaulted WILL speak out. We need to make a safe environment for people to heal- women and men. The dark can't hide if we shine a light directly on it.
When I was 5 (or 6? not sure?), I was raped. Formative years, right? For years after, I struggled with the immediate after effects: anger, hurt, depression, night terrors, self-esteem issues, suicidality, throwing up walls, you name it. I finally hit a turning point in my teen years when I was told, "It wasn't your fault." This was dumbfounding. After years of conditioning that led me to believe otherwise, I had to work through a completely different (and freeing) mindset.
The Wounded Heart pulls no punches and, though I consider myself well-adjusted for the most part, this was a difficult book to read. I initially picked it up thinking it would give me insight into caring for my patients (I'm a psychiatric nurse now), but realized...it was for me. I literally had to walk away from it a couple times. The author gives examples, and let me tell you, they're revolting. I honestly think anyone who picks up this book will have difficulty with some of the chapters, let alone someone who has a personal experience. But it's a good thing. I can't tell you how many times I've sat back and thought, "What I went through could have been worse. At least ________ didn't happen. At least it wasn't perpetrated by ___________." But the author, again, pulls no punches. It IS that bad, and to call it something other than what it truly is delays the healing process. Wow. Talk about conviction.
I think everyone should read this book. If you think for one minute you don't know a victim of sexual abuse, you're wrong. I can promise you do.
A couple things to be aware of going into this book:
1) Have a support system available. Depending on how advanced someone is in their healing process, this book could be very overwhelming. Allender is direct and calls black, black. Which is absolutely necessary. But be prepared to take some time away from the book if needed. I think I set the book down for at least a month after chapter 4. That's okay!
2) The author uses many female pronouns and typically refers to the victim as female which was disappointing to me. Please know this book is still immensely helpful to male readers, and the author does acknowledge the fact that he uses largely female pronouns. But I think knowing this going in would be good for male readers.
3) This is one of the most clinically sound books I've read on sexual abuse. It IS written from a Christian perspective. Do I think it's still helpful if this isn't your faith? Absolutely. Will it help to expect this going in? For sure.
I recommend this book to everyone. I didn't 100% agree with a few things (confronting the abuser was touchy for me, but I see the idea behind it); overall, I was beyond impressed with this book.
I'd probably rate this book an R for the direct, blatant approach the author takes. For someone who hasn't experienced sexual abuse, they may not rate it quite so high. For me, it was an R.
Original review written: 9/5/2018.
I don't mind sharing at all: I am a survivor of sexual abuse. The further I get through my recovery, the more essential I find transparency to be; we can't expect change if abusers know their victims will bow their heads silently in shame the rest of their lives. Abusers need to live in absilute knowledge that one day the person they assaulted WILL speak out. We need to make a safe environment for people to heal- women and men. The dark can't hide if we shine a light directly on it.
When I was 5 (or 6? not sure?), I was raped. Formative years, right? For years after, I struggled with the immediate after effects: anger, hurt, depression, night terrors, self-esteem issues, suicidality, throwing up walls, you name it. I finally hit a turning point in my teen years when I was told, "It wasn't your fault." This was dumbfounding. After years of conditioning that led me to believe otherwise, I had to work through a completely different (and freeing) mindset.
The Wounded Heart pulls no punches and, though I consider myself well-adjusted for the most part, this was a difficult book to read. I initially picked it up thinking it would give me insight into caring for my patients (I'm a psychiatric nurse now), but realized...it was for me. I literally had to walk away from it a couple times. The author gives examples, and let me tell you, they're revolting. I honestly think anyone who picks up this book will have difficulty with some of the chapters, let alone someone who has a personal experience. But it's a good thing. I can't tell you how many times I've sat back and thought, "What I went through could have been worse. At least ________ didn't happen. At least it wasn't perpetrated by ___________." But the author, again, pulls no punches. It IS that bad, and to call it something other than what it truly is delays the healing process. Wow. Talk about conviction.
I think everyone should read this book. If you think for one minute you don't know a victim of sexual abuse, you're wrong. I can promise you do.
A couple things to be aware of going into this book:
1) Have a support system available. Depending on how advanced someone is in their healing process, this book could be very overwhelming. Allender is direct and calls black, black. Which is absolutely necessary. But be prepared to take some time away from the book if needed. I think I set the book down for at least a month after chapter 4. That's okay!
2) The author uses many female pronouns and typically refers to the victim as female which was disappointing to me. Please know this book is still immensely helpful to male readers, and the author does acknowledge the fact that he uses largely female pronouns. But I think knowing this going in would be good for male readers.
3) This is one of the most clinically sound books I've read on sexual abuse. It IS written from a Christian perspective. Do I think it's still helpful if this isn't your faith? Absolutely. Will it help to expect this going in? For sure.
I recommend this book to everyone. I didn't 100% agree with a few things (confronting the abuser was touchy for me, but I see the idea behind it); overall, I was beyond impressed with this book.
I'd probably rate this book an R for the direct, blatant approach the author takes. For someone who hasn't experienced sexual abuse, they may not rate it quite so high. For me, it was an R.
Original review written: 9/5/2018.
April 23, 2015
Before getting into my thoughts about the book I feel I need to make a couple things clear. First, this is a book geared towards those who have experienced sexual abuse, and that is something that I have never experienced. I have also never known anyone who has divulged such abuse to me. So I'm coming at this book from a very outside perspective.
The second is that this book is geared towards Christians. The title doesn't really indicate that in the least, but it views belief in God as the ultimate way to have hope. I am a Christian so this doesn't bother me, but I simply think this needs to be made clear at the beginning. With these out of the way let's proceed.
To be honest, I had very mixed feelings about The Wounded Heart. I found some of it useful, but other aspects of it troubling. I'll start with what I found helpful and move to some of the things I disliked.
First, I give him kudos for tackling such a difficult topic. Reading some sexual abuse stories over the past few years, Christians tend to be pegged as people who avoid the reality of sexual abuse and offer few resources to help those who have experienced it. Yet, here was a work that was originally published in 1990. So I give Allender a good deal of respect for offering this resource, even if the execution didn't set well with me for the most part.
The other aspect of the book I found helpful were the sections where he was focused on the psychological and very little of his theology was evident. I found learning about the dynamics of abuse and also the damage that sexual abuse could do enlightening even while difficult to read and comprehend that such abuse and damage to others happens. When he focused on the psychology side of things, I found him to be more professional in tone. That said, these positives give way to the negatives rather quickly.
The major problem I have with the book is the way he injects Christianity into this process. It seems that his major goal is to make the victim of abuse realize that they are sinners who need God. While admittedly we are all sinners and I understood where he was coming from, the way it was presented troubled me. I could see people who have experienced abuse recoiling from the way it was presented as more burden being placed on them. I also questioned some of the things that he was labeling as sin.
One such example was regarding a woman who was waiting for her father at an airport. They had agreed to meet during a two hour layover she had at the airport. She was looking forward to this meeting and was disappointed that he didn't show up. This led her to be ashamed of getting her hopes up in the first place, because it appeared this was not new behavior for her father.
Dr. Allender declares this exchange idolatry. That the woman's worth was being tied up too much to her father's appearance. I found this very troubling. To simply look forward to a meeting with a parent is idolatry? To feel bad and silly for looking forward to it when it falls through is idolatry? This seems dubious to me. Yet so often this is the way he handles the theological side of the book, with questionable connections like these and a heavy hand. As I said it is not that I always disagree with his theology. Often I either disagree with some of his theological conclusions, or question the way that he is presenting it in a work like this.
I think his work would be much more helpful if it focused on the positive aspects of God's love for us, his grace, his mercy even for those who have experienced abuse. He seems to focus on the victim understanding their sin as the only path towards receiving God's healing. I don't find that in the ministry of Jesus. Jesus healed, but you don't see him requiring a confession of sin before he acts. That doesn't mean that our sin never needs addressed, it means that God can heal us before our sins are realized. It may even be from that healing that we are able to then confront our sins.
All this to say, that while I found The Wounded Heart helpful in understanding some of the dynamics and damage from abuse, I wonder if it is really that helpful of a book. You may find healing in the pages, but you could also find more pain. I probably wouldn't really recommend it, but unfortunately I have no other books on the subject I can offer in its place.
The second is that this book is geared towards Christians. The title doesn't really indicate that in the least, but it views belief in God as the ultimate way to have hope. I am a Christian so this doesn't bother me, but I simply think this needs to be made clear at the beginning. With these out of the way let's proceed.
To be honest, I had very mixed feelings about The Wounded Heart. I found some of it useful, but other aspects of it troubling. I'll start with what I found helpful and move to some of the things I disliked.
First, I give him kudos for tackling such a difficult topic. Reading some sexual abuse stories over the past few years, Christians tend to be pegged as people who avoid the reality of sexual abuse and offer few resources to help those who have experienced it. Yet, here was a work that was originally published in 1990. So I give Allender a good deal of respect for offering this resource, even if the execution didn't set well with me for the most part.
The other aspect of the book I found helpful were the sections where he was focused on the psychological and very little of his theology was evident. I found learning about the dynamics of abuse and also the damage that sexual abuse could do enlightening even while difficult to read and comprehend that such abuse and damage to others happens. When he focused on the psychology side of things, I found him to be more professional in tone. That said, these positives give way to the negatives rather quickly.
The major problem I have with the book is the way he injects Christianity into this process. It seems that his major goal is to make the victim of abuse realize that they are sinners who need God. While admittedly we are all sinners and I understood where he was coming from, the way it was presented troubled me. I could see people who have experienced abuse recoiling from the way it was presented as more burden being placed on them. I also questioned some of the things that he was labeling as sin.
One such example was regarding a woman who was waiting for her father at an airport. They had agreed to meet during a two hour layover she had at the airport. She was looking forward to this meeting and was disappointed that he didn't show up. This led her to be ashamed of getting her hopes up in the first place, because it appeared this was not new behavior for her father.
Dr. Allender declares this exchange idolatry. That the woman's worth was being tied up too much to her father's appearance. I found this very troubling. To simply look forward to a meeting with a parent is idolatry? To feel bad and silly for looking forward to it when it falls through is idolatry? This seems dubious to me. Yet so often this is the way he handles the theological side of the book, with questionable connections like these and a heavy hand. As I said it is not that I always disagree with his theology. Often I either disagree with some of his theological conclusions, or question the way that he is presenting it in a work like this.
I think his work would be much more helpful if it focused on the positive aspects of God's love for us, his grace, his mercy even for those who have experienced abuse. He seems to focus on the victim understanding their sin as the only path towards receiving God's healing. I don't find that in the ministry of Jesus. Jesus healed, but you don't see him requiring a confession of sin before he acts. That doesn't mean that our sin never needs addressed, it means that God can heal us before our sins are realized. It may even be from that healing that we are able to then confront our sins.
All this to say, that while I found The Wounded Heart helpful in understanding some of the dynamics and damage from abuse, I wonder if it is really that helpful of a book. You may find healing in the pages, but you could also find more pain. I probably wouldn't really recommend it, but unfortunately I have no other books on the subject I can offer in its place.
July 2, 2022
Incredible.
Dr. Allender has written the book that I wish were required reading for every counselor, every pastor, every therapist, every spiritual leader who shepherds other people's hearts.
So much healing within these pages, even for this girl who has been doing the work of healing for my entire adult life. There's always more. It will never be fully realized this side of heaven, but this book offers hope and a way forward for when your soul is weary from the work.
Dr. Allender has written the book that I wish were required reading for every counselor, every pastor, every therapist, every spiritual leader who shepherds other people's hearts.
So much healing within these pages, even for this girl who has been doing the work of healing for my entire adult life. There's always more. It will never be fully realized this side of heaven, but this book offers hope and a way forward for when your soul is weary from the work.
July 23, 2013
As a survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse, The Wounded Heart struck a such a resounding cords of the familiar that I had to put the book down. I would not pick it up again for months, haunted because the exercises represented re-living the shame and guilt.
Yet, once I pushed through I finally get that in order to get through such an awful thing in your life you really must endure for a time some serious pain. You have to do the work to "have a life". And no, you will never be normal but I learned this is okay. In a way it makes you better at loving others and forgiving; because you've seen the worst of human nature and choices you can love the best.
I highly recommend this book for anyone who has/is suffering the shame of past child abuse and for those who love someone that endured such an awful experience so young.
Yet, once I pushed through I finally get that in order to get through such an awful thing in your life you really must endure for a time some serious pain. You have to do the work to "have a life". And no, you will never be normal but I learned this is okay. In a way it makes you better at loving others and forgiving; because you've seen the worst of human nature and choices you can love the best.
I highly recommend this book for anyone who has/is suffering the shame of past child abuse and for those who love someone that endured such an awful experience so young.
August 5, 2011
I had to read this book for a class at Ashland Seminary and I have to say it has been eye-opening. I believe it is a must read for anyone involved with ministry. 1 out 3 women have been sexually abuse and 1 out of 5 or 6 men have been abused so it is clear that it is an epidemic. Dr. Allender's book is a great introduction to the complex issues surrounding the horror of sexual abuse. He never gets too technical but he does share some hard to read stories. I believe it is an important book and after reading it I can't help but to raise awareness about this subject. The church has to be a safe place for victims of sexual abuse, and it all starts with knowing the information so please read it.
January 23, 2015
This is a difficult topic, but I think this book would benefit everyone.
May 30, 2025
I thought I was going to love this book, I have really appreciated this authors wisdom in some
Podcasts I have listened to, but this did not land how I thought it would. I think this can be educational and enlightening for believers when it comes to SA yet I find myself being skeptical to some notions when it comes to survivors and their healing journey and his emphasis on repair with perpetrators. Maybe I need to check myself but it didn’t sit well with me in some ways!
Podcasts I have listened to, but this did not land how I thought it would. I think this can be educational and enlightening for believers when it comes to SA yet I find myself being skeptical to some notions when it comes to survivors and their healing journey and his emphasis on repair with perpetrators. Maybe I need to check myself but it didn’t sit well with me in some ways!
November 19, 2021
I found myself occupying two environments while reading this book. One of intrigue and insight unlike anything else I have experienced, and two of ad nauseum. The analysis of the abuse and the circumstances that led up to some of the violations recalled in this book are gripping, tear-jerking, and outrageous. The biblical analysis applied to it just seems inappropriate and forum-less. There is a reason why there is a difference between science and religion. Although they may be talking about the same thing, it's coming from two different perspectives. The analysis of abuse from a psychological and medical perspective, does not create the same picture as looking at it through a religious lens. I wish Allender would have picked one or the other. Although his spiritual analysis may have been biblically sound, it came off cold, untimely, and self-righteous.....and for me....annoying. I am not mad that I read it, because it contains hidden gems, and outlines the framework for how to look at abuse, but to read it again would mean to work again through a legalistic sermon, that I don't really have the patience for.
July 9, 2020
I am deeply thankful for Dan Allender, he is full of deep and sensitive wisdom. I recall hearing Dr. Allender speak on the reality of his own sexual abuse when he was a child. It was in the middle of the writing of this book that a close friend kindly pointed out that he may in fact be a victim of sexual abuse.
Most men don't have a friend sensitive and wise enough to make that sort of observation. What we are left with is men and women unable to address their own wounding, and therefore men and women who are unable to authentically enter into the wounding of another. If you are someone concerned for the freedom and liberation of another, you must also begin to deal with your own wounding. There are too many Christian men who want to help others deal with their wounds without addressing their own. Mercy ministry can be away to cover and forget our own past. Find a way to see the plank in your own eye that you might help others see as well
Most men don't have a friend sensitive and wise enough to make that sort of observation. What we are left with is men and women unable to address their own wounding, and therefore men and women who are unable to authentically enter into the wounding of another. If you are someone concerned for the freedom and liberation of another, you must also begin to deal with your own wounding. There are too many Christian men who want to help others deal with their wounds without addressing their own. Mercy ministry can be away to cover and forget our own past. Find a way to see the plank in your own eye that you might help others see as well
January 6, 2009
I would give this book 10 stars if I could. It is an amazing masterpiece on the subject of surviving sexual abuse. I have read other books by allender, and they are not the masterpiece that The Wounded Heart is. The workbook is equally good. I have every client who comes to me for this reason read this book. It is thorough, gracious, relentless, bold, challenging, Biblical, and necessary. If you or someone you know has been abused...THIS is the book they MUST read and work through. Visit me at KynaMoore.com for more counseling info.
June 14, 2011
A very good book on sexual abuse. While very difficult to read due to its sensitive nature, it is a valuable asset to anybody who has experienced sexual abuse, wants to help somebody recover or understand it better. Allender did a very good job describing how much sexual abuse violates our human rights AND God's creation. It is devastating in so many more ways than just physical, but also psychologically, emotionally and even mentally.
As a counselor, it will be a book I refer to when needed.
As a counselor, it will be a book I refer to when needed.
December 12, 2023
searing and tender and grace-filled. heavy, of course, but incredibly hopeful and moving as well. read this one.
April 30, 2024
I could talk for a long time about how much I hate this book. Hate hate double hate loathe.
October 21, 2007
Another hard to read book... still haven't finished it because of my own experience -- this book is sometimes painful and disturbing because of the "cause and effect" that adults experience and reenact because of abuse occuring in childhood. i.e. a common thread of insecurities, anxieties, fears that pervade the life of the adult who has experienced these things. The book gives specific examples of common outcomes of people who've been through abuse. Tear provoking, but healing at the same time. The positive side is that it helps the individual to overcome this experience, but I would recommend having a counselor to talk to while reading this if one has experienced this kind of abuse. All kinds of feelings and thoughts are dredged up.
October 12, 2014
I admit that I reluctantly give this book such a high rating because it has tragic flaws: 1) Allender periodically feels surprisingly harsh even while writing about trauma! 2) I can't stand the basic "worm theology" behind what he says. He's a Westminster guy influenced by "biblical" counseling.
Nevertheless, he is periodically brilliant and I have used many of his helpful images and practical suggestions in dealing with traumatized people. He is making a good effort at coming at the practice of counseling from a standpoint of faith and that needs to be honored. He writes clearly and passionately. He obviously has done a lot of his own internal work. Worth a read.
Nevertheless, he is periodically brilliant and I have used many of his helpful images and practical suggestions in dealing with traumatized people. He is making a good effort at coming at the practice of counseling from a standpoint of faith and that needs to be honored. He writes clearly and passionately. He obviously has done a lot of his own internal work. Worth a read.
June 29, 2016
First of all, I believe in God; however, I'm spiritual and not religious. I've read many self help books on sexual abuse, and this by far was one of the worst ones. I feel that the Author is pushing his beliefs of God, and interpretations of the Bible on the abuse victim. I was never so angry reading a book before. His God and the way I view God are on different ends of the spectrum. I was very angry that no where on the front or back of the book does it mention this being a book about Christianity. The beginning was terrible, the middle I did enjoy, and starting at chapter 10 and on I was enraged. I do not recommend this book!
November 22, 2020
This book was a very thorough walk through the process of dealing with the aftermath of abuse. This book is specifically written for adults who were a victim of childhood sexual abuse however I found it to be a general roadmap for processing and healing from all forms of abuse. This book was very healing for me in my journey to process emotional abuse from my adolescent years.
My one complaint is that I did not enjoy his writing style. It was vague and hard for me to follow at times. Sometimes he babbled and sometimes huge concepts were minimized to one paragraph. I appreciated all the wisdom and year of experience he shared regardless.
My one complaint is that I did not enjoy his writing style. It was vague and hard for me to follow at times. Sometimes he babbled and sometimes huge concepts were minimized to one paragraph. I appreciated all the wisdom and year of experience he shared regardless.
February 3, 2020
Excellent book, but hard read. For the Serious Christian who has as their priorities, pursuing godliness over feeling better, knowing God more than knowing relief from an abusive past. It is human nature to respond sinfully when we have been sinned against. Don't read this book if you don't long for, above all else, a closer walk with God through your pain and a willingness to look closer at your sin than how you've been sinned against, which ultimately leads down the path to real intimacy with God.
March 14, 2012
Great book, but really hard to read as a victim of sexual abuse and rape, brings up many memories, so if a victim like me, read the book slowly and at your own pace. It is really easy to read and understand, and also even if you are not christian, i would still recommend this book to you because it isnt full on about God and everything else, it has a lot about sexual abuse that even a non christian person could find this book of help.
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July 19, 2025Mixed thoughts on this one, and I’m certainly not an expert on the topic. I don’t think I’m qualified to fully review this (particularly not having merely listened to the audiobook) but here are some thoughts:
Strengths of the book:
- Allender speaks from experience he was abused as a child and has since counselled many other victims
- significant insight into the experience of victims
- helpful truths drawn from psychological research and practise particularly around trauma
- helpful taxonomies of unhealthy coping strategies and ways that past abuse can shape and harm numerous parts of later life
- serious reckoning with the need to handle issues like this slowly and gently, as a different writer may say “the body keeps score”, processing and overcoming past horrors is not as simple as wanting to, the aim if seeking to process such yourself or help someone else doing do must be gradual slow progress - it will take years
- an offer of long term (both temporal and eternal) hope and a willingness to call the victim to change and restoration not mere coping
Weaknesses
- Allender works with a simplistic doctrine of sin and idolatry, it is helpful in some cases but can lead to some overly simplistic analyses
- related to the previous point Allender moves to calling the victim to both broad ranging and detailed specific repentance fairly quickly, comparing the victim to the prodigal son as a key image - I’m concerned that this is an over-swing against secular counselling, calls to repentance are necessary but I wonder if we ought to be thinking “woman at the well” rather than prodigal?
- whilst he repeatedly acknowledges that an abuse victim may have to have a significant break from sex within marriage whilst recovering/processing: I think there’s an overemphasis on the goodness of married sex as a key part of life; like many modern writers who handle sex his treatment of it would be difficult to reconcile with the praise of chastity, self-discipline and temperance in Christian history
- the idea of joy in God apart from the specific joys of receiving forgiveness and being made better is given little space; I wonder if Allender has a rather earthly vision of what blessing in God entails, at one point he quotes Lewis’s “Weight of glory” but only the part at the end about people being transformed; what could adding the doctrine of the Beatific vision do for a book like this?
- the question of why God allows suffering is handled via the false doctrine that God suffers too, aside from being wrong this is a flimsy comfort, we need (and in fact have) a God who defeats suffering, not one in danger from it
- unless I missed it there was no discussion of the value of involving law enforcement and the benefits of the abuser(s) being punished for their crimes there is some discussion of church discipline/excommunication/withholding contact in seek of repentance but government and retribution is actually a good thing for both the abuser and his/her victims
Summary
As said I’m not really qualified to review this but as it stands - I would share this book with a pastor or other mature Christian seeking to understand the experience of abuse victims but in light of the theological weaknesses and what I consider to be hurried calls to repentance I wouldn’t give it to someone seeking to handle their own abuse.
Strengths of the book:
- Allender speaks from experience he was abused as a child and has since counselled many other victims
- significant insight into the experience of victims
- helpful truths drawn from psychological research and practise particularly around trauma
- helpful taxonomies of unhealthy coping strategies and ways that past abuse can shape and harm numerous parts of later life
- serious reckoning with the need to handle issues like this slowly and gently, as a different writer may say “the body keeps score”, processing and overcoming past horrors is not as simple as wanting to, the aim if seeking to process such yourself or help someone else doing do must be gradual slow progress - it will take years
- an offer of long term (both temporal and eternal) hope and a willingness to call the victim to change and restoration not mere coping
Weaknesses
- Allender works with a simplistic doctrine of sin and idolatry, it is helpful in some cases but can lead to some overly simplistic analyses
- related to the previous point Allender moves to calling the victim to both broad ranging and detailed specific repentance fairly quickly, comparing the victim to the prodigal son as a key image - I’m concerned that this is an over-swing against secular counselling, calls to repentance are necessary but I wonder if we ought to be thinking “woman at the well” rather than prodigal?
- whilst he repeatedly acknowledges that an abuse victim may have to have a significant break from sex within marriage whilst recovering/processing: I think there’s an overemphasis on the goodness of married sex as a key part of life; like many modern writers who handle sex his treatment of it would be difficult to reconcile with the praise of chastity, self-discipline and temperance in Christian history
- the idea of joy in God apart from the specific joys of receiving forgiveness and being made better is given little space; I wonder if Allender has a rather earthly vision of what blessing in God entails, at one point he quotes Lewis’s “Weight of glory” but only the part at the end about people being transformed; what could adding the doctrine of the Beatific vision do for a book like this?
- the question of why God allows suffering is handled via the false doctrine that God suffers too, aside from being wrong this is a flimsy comfort, we need (and in fact have) a God who defeats suffering, not one in danger from it
- unless I missed it there was no discussion of the value of involving law enforcement and the benefits of the abuser(s) being punished for their crimes there is some discussion of church discipline/excommunication/withholding contact in seek of repentance but government and retribution is actually a good thing for both the abuser and his/her victims
Summary
As said I’m not really qualified to review this but as it stands - I would share this book with a pastor or other mature Christian seeking to understand the experience of abuse victims but in light of the theological weaknesses and what I consider to be hurried calls to repentance I wouldn’t give it to someone seeking to handle their own abuse.
October 23, 2025
Dan Allender’s The Wounded Heart is a compassionate guide through the shadows of sexual abuse, blending psychological insight with spiritual wisdom. Allender doesn’t shy away from the raw pain of betrayal and shame, offering practical steps for survivors—and those who love them—to reclaim wholeness. His empathetic voice shines, especially in chapters on forgiveness and grace, making complex theology feel accessible and hopeful. A few sections drag with repetitive anecdotes, but overall, it’s a vital resource for anyone seeking restoration. Highly recommend for counselors, pastors, or anyone brave enough to face the wounds.
February 21, 2023
Highly recommend if you work with or are in community with people who have experienced sexual abuse. This is really good- unlike any other book on abuse I’ve read. It’s a hard read- candid and confronting, but so full of hope. Allender is very direct, and his biblical perspective and insight into these evil, broken spaces is really powerful. Even though the focus is definitely on sexual abuse, a lot of what’s written is still applicable for any type of abuse.
May 20, 2024
I’m giving this 5 stars because of the way Allender leads us to think about our highest calling—to seek to love God and others, even in the wake of abuse. He helps sort out the difference between shame and guilt. He explains how contempt as a self- protective measure needs to be abandoned. He illumines the difference between repentance and penance.
August 6, 2019
An important read for those who have experienced sexual abuse. Dr. Allender loves Jesus and gets trauma. I’m going to be attending one of his workshops soon. I’m excited!
April 13, 2021
honestly a really hard read. eye opening and helpful to understand how to process through the affects of abuse and trauma and dealing with the past, wounds, and shame.
January 8, 2022
A difficult but necessary read for anyone wanting to help abuse victims.
July 15, 2022
Mmmm this book. Hard, beautiful, heavy, and healing. Obviously major trigger warnings as the themes of the book are clearly about abuse, and it is talked about often. But it is an important read for many many people.
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