Why Can't I Let You Go?: Break Free from Trauma Bonds, End Toxic Relationships, and Develop Healthy Attachments

by Michelle Skeen, Kelly Skeen

Break free from trauma bonds and develop the healthy, secure, and loving relationships you deserve! If you experienced physical or emotional abuse, neglect, or abandonment as a child, you may struggle with unhealthy relationships as an adult. Hurtful attachments with our caregivers in early childhood can lay the foundation for toxic relationships. Those experiences can even affect the way we handle conflict, our feelings toward sex, and our expectations of our partners. But this doesn’t mean you can’t change. This book will help you gain a greater awareness of the trauma bonds that prevent you from getting the love, safety, and security you desire. In Why Can’t I Let You Go , relationship expert Michelle Skeen will help you identify your attachment style, core beliefs, and the harmful behavior patterns that are keeping you stuck in toxic relationships. You’ll learn proven-effective skills to help you interrupt these unhelpful patterns and attachments in new and old relationships. You’ll also discover what you really value in relationships and go on to develop healthy, secure, and lasting love. Understanding yourself and your deeply held, and often unconscious, beliefs is the first step toward liberating yourself from trauma bonds. Change isn’t easy, but in time you’ll realize that it’s easier and less painful than the heartache and self-doubt you’ve been enduring for years. With this compassionate guide, you’ll find the support and guidance needed to create the loving relationships you truly want.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Relationships

176 pages, Paperback

Published January 2, 2024

About the author

Michelle Skeen, PsyD, has a doctorate in clinical psychology. She is author of seven books, all designed to enhance relationships by emphasizing the importance of identifying core values and valued intentions, limited thinking, mindfulness, self-compassion, empathy, and effective communication and conflict resolution skills. Her passion is coaching individuals in creating and maintaining healthy relationships by bringing awareness to obstacles (fears and beliefs), which often work unconsciously to limit connections with others. Michelle believes that an early introduction and education in core values and healthy communication are essential life skills for success. To that end, Michelle and her daughter, Kelly, coauthored Communication Skills for Teens and Just As You Are.

Skeen completed her postdoctoral work at the University of California, San Francisco. She codeveloped an empirically validated protocol for the treatment of interpersonal problems that resulted in two books: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for Interpersonal Problems and The Interpersonal Problems Workbook. Michelle’s work has appeared in more than thirty publications around the world. She hosts a weekly radio show called Relationships 2.0 with Dr. Michelle Skeen that airs nationally. To find out more, visit her website at www.michelleskeen.com.

Source: https://www.newharbinger.com/author/m...

Reviews

[Sophie · Rating 2 out of 5]

2 ⭐️

Ah yes, this was a great reminder why “self-help” non fiction is iffy for me.

At first I was intrigued, because I thought there would be some useful information on trauma bonds and toxic relationships. Information wise, this barely scratched the surface and only stated a few facts that are somewhat well known in my opinion, and then the rest of the book was basically a giant, complicated buzzfeed quiz 😬🤷🏼‍♀️

[Anoud · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you read the book "Attached", then this book would be a great follow up to that book. I knew before hand my own attachment style and many information about attachment styles. However, that book didn't discuss in depth attachment bounding.
If you didn't, then, this book will be an amazing introduction for you and maybe a life changer.

[Jackson Shain · Rating 5 out of 5]

The book "Why Can't I Let You Go?" is truly enlightening, offering a series of frameworks and exercises that empower readers to confront toxic relationships head-on. Dr. Skeen and Ms. Skeen have meticulously crafted a journey, beginning with the "Core Beliefs" framework, which lays a comprehensive groundwork for understanding how themes from our past connect to our present. One standout exercise is centered on setting a "value-driven intention," where the authors guide readers through identifying their core values and applying them to their lives. This strategy serves as a powerful tool for grounding responses in alignment with personal values. Through a combination of other exercises and anecdotes that feel personal yet global, the book equips readers with the means to transition from core-belief-driven behaviors to value-driven actions. Thank you for sharing these important lessons with us to help us let go of unhealthy bonds!

[CAROLYN Wyman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Why Can’t I Let You go by Michelle Skeen

This is a self help book that discusses trauma bonds and why and how we react to relationships based on our experiences from childhood. The book is interesting, going over different questions to try to help you figure out if your relationship are healthy. Overall the book was good. I liked hearing the different bonds and how certain incidents shape you more than others, especially in childhood. This book can definitely help you understand and develop healthier relationships.

The audiobook was extremely easy to listen to. The narrator was engaging.
I would recommend reading or listening to this book.

[Lexie Darce · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book honestly surprised me with how helpful it was in identifying areas of your life and your relationships that need work in order to cultivate the healthy relationships you want to build. Skeen and Skeen utilize components of attachment theory, personality/temperament research, and core beliefs and values exercises to help you dive into why we sometimes behave and respond in less than ideal ways in our relationships.

The book takes an approach to dating, but is not solely a book about dating. It is immensely helpful in understanding yourself so as to better improve your relationships in every area of life: dating, yes, but also with family, friends, with coworkers, in marriage, etc.

Exposing myself by saying my therapist made me read this book starting back in November. 😂 But it was a very solid clinical judgment on her part. I genuinely learned a lot about myself that I have been able to work through in order to become a healthier person and thrive in my healthy relationship. :)

[Kristin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lots and lots of journal prompts. Would’ve appreciated more actionable advice than journaling and mindfulness. Also the question presented in the title of the book isn’t ever really answered.

[Sarah Kilcline · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you NetGalley and RB Media for the ARC of Why Can’t I Let You Go?

This book explores the various attachment styles that a person can develop in their early childhood and how they can be affected by it when developing relationships later in life as an adult, especially when those relationships involve trauma bonds and toxicity. The author also provided insight on how to end toxic relationships so that the reader can move forward to develop healthier relationships.

Before reading this book, I had spent a great deal of time in therapy discussing the abuse I encountered as a child and how my current relationships are affected by it even after so much time has passed. Of course, attachment styles and trauma bonds were discussed, but I’ve never had as much insight into my development and interpersonal relationships as this book has offered me. The authors laid out the book in a very easy-to-understand format with lots of pauses to be self-reflective and answer the tough questions such as what type of attachment styles we have, how we feel about interacting with others and developing connections, and how our past has shaped our ideas when it comes to relationships and the types of bonds we develop with others. I really liked the journal aspect of following along with the book and keeping notes and thoughts along the way. It almost made it feel a little bit like a workbook and helped me sort through the information so that I could really highlight what stood out to me and will be helpful in moving forward toward healthier connections.

While the audiobook had a great narrator and was very easy to follow, it was emotionally a workout because it really challenged me to get out of my own thoughts and take a fresh look at them. I had several “ah-ha” moments where it felt like the narrator was speaking directly to me about my struggles with attachment and toxic relationships. I don’t listen to many self-help or psychology books, so it was refreshing to read something so mind opening. I definitely feel like I have a better understanding of myself and why I form the relationships that I do and how to leave them when and if they become toxic. If anything, this book felt like a toolkit for developing my best self and making sure that I align myself with people who are good for my mental health, not working against it.

As a victim of childhood abuse, I recommend this to anyone who wants to learn more about your attachment style and how abuse and neglect from your past could be affecting your current and future relationships. I also recommend it to anyone who has a “type” and needs to break the chains of repeating toxic relations and/or get out of one.

[Paul Goat · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m not a frequent reader of “self-help” books, although I have read some truly life-changing releases over the years: Quiet by Susan Cain, Richard Bach’s Jonathan Livingston Seagull, Wishcraft by Barbara Sher, The Golden Rules by Bob Bowman, etc.

Well, it’s time to add another title to that list: Why Can’t I Let You Go? By Michelle Skeen and Kelly Skeen. This book, which explores toxic relationships and breaking free from trauma bonds, was surprisingly—dare I say shockingly—enlightening.

The big takeaway for me was the expanded understanding of why I sought out certain types of partners in my early years (that was the shocking part). The sections on the core beliefs of the relationship trauma bond, which tie into that attraction to others, were particularly fascinating. I realized that my primary core belief was emotional deprivation. “This core belief results from others not adequately meeting the child’s emotional needs. There are three forms of emotional deprivation: (1) deprivation of nurturance (the absence of attention, affection, warmth, or companionship), (2) deprivation of empathy (the absence of understanding, listening, self-disclosure, or mutual sharing of feelings with others), and (3) deprivation of protection (the absence of strength, direction, or guidance from others).”

Understanding these beliefs made me more aware of what a healthy relationship looks like—and the chapter on intensity vs. intimacy was filled with numerous insights, many of which were drawn out by Skeen’s probing questions for the reader. At chapter’s end, I knew exactly what a strong, nurturing relationship should look like. My mind immediately envisioned that scene from When Harry Met Sally. To paraphrase: “I’ll have what they’re having.”

Highly recommended for anyone stuck in a toxic relationship and/or those wanting to improve a currently flawed relationship. Insightful, informative, and, quite possibly, life-changing!—Paul Goat Allen

[Hannah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Why Can’t I Let You Go is a book about relationship trauma bonds (RTB), what causes them, and how to break free. I read this book from the viewpoint of a licensed mental health therapist, and not someone who has ever been in an RTB. What I love most about this book is that it facilitates some deep self-examination for that person who finds themselves in one bad relationship after another. The authors do not victim blame, yet they go so far beyond the “girl, just leave that toxic man” type of advice. With helpful self-assessment tools, the authors assist readers in identifying the core beliefs and attachment issues driving their relationship choices. Often, I think journaling exercises are a little cheesy, but I thought these were solid. The methods they utilize are taken from evidenced based practices, yet it is an accessible, easy read. They struck the balance between information and anecdotes perfectly, in my opinion.

The audiobook narrator did a great job. If you are going to read this via audiobook, I recommend keeping a pen and paper nearby, especially for the self-assessments. If you can, get the e-book or a physical copy. There are some things in here I think you’ll want to go back to and reference. Though this book is aimed at people in RTBs, I think it could be helpful for anyone who struggles with some unhealthy patterns in their relationships, even if the relationships are generally good.

The ultimate question for me is: would I recommend this to my clients? Absolutely, I would – and I probably will.

Thank you to NetGalley for the audiobook eARC.

[Sarah Spinner · Rating 5 out of 5]

I only wish this book was available to me years ago! It is an incredibly helpful guide for anyone looking to understand how and why they (or anyone in their lives) may feel stuck in an unhealthy relationship--whether in a current relationship or historically. The tools are practical and creative, and they can be applied to understanding and breaking free from painful dynamics in all sorts of relationships (e.g., family member, colleague, friend, romantic partner). As a therapist who works with adults and teens--many of whom are dealing with relationship-challenges--I'm always looking for good resources to recommend. This book is going to be on the top of my list for those struggling with any aspect of understanding and breaking free from "toxic relationships." While we may be able to identify some negative relationship patterns and even trace them back to early childhood/caregiver experiences dynamics, learning how to actually stop the unhealthy patterns can feel so overwhelming and often times impossible. The authors' approach and tone is warm, compassionate, and supportive; they provide clarity, hope, and tools for actionable change. They gently guide the reader in increasing self-awareness, developing a self-paced practice, and implementing individualized action steps. This book provides a shame-free approach to discovering one's unique barriers and limiting beliefs. Best of all, it provides practical strategies for developing the kind of intimacy and connection many people struggle to believe is even possible for themselves.

[Chitrranshi · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Why Can’t I Let You Go?" is a profound exploration of attachment styles and their enduring impact on adult relationships, particularly in the context of trauma and toxicity. Through clear, accessible prose and thought-provoking exercises, the authors guide readers on a journey of self-discovery and healing. As someone who has navigated the aftermath of childhood abuse, I found the book to be a beacon of understanding and empowerment, offering invaluable insights into the roots of my relational patterns and practical strategies for breaking free from toxic cycles. Whether you're grappling with past trauma or simply seeking deeper self-awareness, this book serves as a roadmap to reclaiming agency over your own narrative and fostering healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Narrated with compassion and authenticity, the audiobook version of "Why Can’t I Let You Go?" offers a deeply immersive experience that encourages listeners to confront their innermost struggles and confrontations. Each chapter is punctuated with moments of revelation and introspection, prompting listeners to challenge preconceived notions and embrace the transformative power of self-reflection. With its blend of psychological expertise and real-world wisdom, this audiobook is a compelling resource for anyone seeking to understand the complexities of human attachment and embark on a journey toward personal growth and resilience.

[Hallie Goldstein · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Why Can’t I Let You Go?” is an incredibly accessible, enlightening, raw, and thought-provoking book that guides readers through a process of better understanding how past attachments and core beliefs inform present relationships and experiences in the world.

I particularly enjoyed the self-reflective exercises that assist readers in understanding more about the ways that they attach to others and accompanying evidence-based skills to help them break free of toxic relationships and trauma bonds. The anecdotes also beautifully complemented the authors’ points, helping contextualize some of the more abstract concepts involved in this conversation.

I don’t normally gravitate towards self-help books, but found this to be a significant exception. Dr. Skeen and Ms. Skeen approach this book with a tremendous amount of knowledge and compassion, artfully educating readers on matters relating to toxic relationships and providing ample room for hope and excitement about future relationships devoid of toxicity and trauma bonds.

Thank you to Dr. Skeen and Ms. Skeen for adding such valuable contributions to this important conversation. I so look forward to utilizing this book in my work with my clients.

[Sena · Rating 4 out of 5]

4/5 stars. a non-fiction book discussing relationship trauma bonds from start to finish, allowing the reader to understand their own attachment style and other factors in their childhood and adult lives as they relate to the relationships they form and seek out later in life. it covers why you may have a certain attachment style, how that works with your temperament, and sheds light on why you may react in the ways you to as a result. from there, it goes on to identify toxic relationship traits, ways to avoid them, and how to handle yourself in potentially triggering situations in order to break free from a cycle of relationship trauma bonds.

as a disclaimer, i've never personally been to therapy and i picked this book up out of curiosity, so it was my first time hearing and learning about many of these concepts in a formal context. it was eye-opening, and well-structured in an easy to digest, organized manner for the reader. my one comment as a reviewer of the audiobook would be that this did not translate well to an audio format for those who enjoy listening to books while multitasking, as i do--this would be best suited for a quiet session with pen and paper in hand as one listens.

i received an ARC of the audiobook edition in exchange for an an honest review.

[Crimson Books · Rating 3 out of 5]

I want to say thank you to Netgalley for an advanced ARC of this audiobook

At this moment in time I am going though so rough times and I have been focused on my mental health, as well as learning how to become better with relationships both romantically and also with friendships so I have been determined to work on factors I know I have wrong with myself that need healing.

This book/audiobook talks about at the beginning what our codependancy styles & then goes into examples what they are like & from chapter 2 goes on with deeper advice with small tasks to work on towards what u need. I see this helping many people and also being needed if your going on your own Healing journey which is never easy.

[Kayla · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a mental health provider, reading new and popular self-help books is frequent for me, as I like to know what patients are reading about. I was excited to read this book, as it's an important topic / common issue in my practice.

While the skills discussed in this book are evidence based, I think the book was anemic in its discussing the science and rationale behind the skills. I also found it a bit pollyannaish.

On a professional level, there was some mismatch between language used and the treatment theory being recommended (e.g., using the word "negative" in discussing emotions while also recommending use of ACT principles, which does not promote labeling emotions in that way).

Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for an ARC!

[Louise Foerster · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a wonderful, deep dive into the ties that bind and keep us from feeling good about ourselves, our lives, and the world in general! WHY CAN'T I LET YOU GO? by Kelly Skeen and Michelle Skeen is at once wise and practical, coming at relationships with fresh energy and a perspective that encourages changes in my own regarding the people and memories I hold close -- even when I don't want to, but feel that I must. Throughout, the clear prose and positive momentum encouraged me to think differently and imagine a different way of relating. I received a copy of this book and these opinions are my own, unbiased thoughts.

[Dora Okeyo · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book focuses on underlying issues that affect our relationships, and it was an interesting look into understanding and knowing one's attachment style, what trauma bonds are and core beliefs and values.
Anyone who read this book and takes the tests seriously will surely discover a thing or two about the emotional beliefs and issues that are holding them back and will be able to work on how to improve on their relationship.
Thanks Netgalley for the eARC.

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Why Can't I Let You Go?" provides a thorough and interactive approach to exploring one's attachment style while exploring the trauma and experiences that led to the development of these responses. I personally enjoyed the exercises and assessments and used them as tools to take into my personal therapy sessions. This is great for professionals to use with clients or individuals looking to explore this part of themselves more deeply.

[Gerry-Ann Bates · Rating 4 out of 5]

My therapist asked me to read this before our next session. It was very eye opening. I thought trauma bonds were the same thing as codependency but it’s different. Hearing about the types of core wounds and memories that change the make up of your brain was really interesting and explains a lot of the reasons that I’ve allowed certain behaviors to slide in my relationships with other people. Plan to reread it again n sometime.

[Nessa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book got to me at just the right time. The advice resonated and I learned more about relationships and trauma bonds and psychology. The information was relatable and I would definitely read more titles from this author. The information is conveyed in an easy to understand to use manner. Some of the information helped me make a couple of important changes in my personal life.

[Spencer Fojas · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book on the basics of realizing the origins of why we are attracted to toxic dynamics and how to disentangle from them. The journaling prompts are especially helpful, as are identifying the core wounding beliefs.

[Kelly Randall · Rating 1 out of 5]

I wish I’d known it was just a bunch of assessments before purchasing the book. 🙄

[Amy Wenzel · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was so unsophisticated that I could not believe an agent signed it.

[Ag · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book would be great for those who are just at the beginning of their healing and self-discovery journey. This book would be a great tool for those who are just looking for more guidance and more insights. Yet for seasoned self-help readers this might feel somewhat basic, I’m afraid. Yet this is a good one if you are looking for a book that focuses mainly on attachment styles and the issues those may/may not cause!

[Kyra Mailee · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to this via NetGalley for an exchange for my honest review.

This book would be great for those who are just at the beginning of their healing and self-discovery journey. It follows several examples of different attachment styles and how to free yourself of those attachments. I definitely recommend reading this book if you find yourself having unhealthy attachments in your life!