I Still Have It . . . I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It: Confessions of a Fiftysomething

by Rita Rudner

I bought a new wrinkle cream. If you use it once a day, you look younger in a month.Twice a day, you look younger in two weeks.I ate it. As the years go by, and the decades begin to pile up, people will do just about anything to reverse the signs of LASIK surgery, industrial-strength hair dye, seven consecutive forty-ninth birthday parties. Rita Rudner is no exception. When she turned fifty, she couldn’t even bear to say the word.In I Still Have It . . . I Just Can’t Remember Where I Put It, Rudner writes with humor and candor about all of the small indignities and everyday absurdities that have become standard fare. From the perils of catalog-ordering addiction to the challenges of keeping up with the latest in electronics, lingerie, and reality television to the joys and worries of being an older mother to the long search for the perfect retirement house, Rita covers it all.So put on your bifocals and power up your sense of humor! Just don’t blame Rita when your laugh lines get visibly deeper. Refreshingly honest and undeniably hilarious, I Still Have It . . . I Just Can’t Remember Where I Put It is a laugh-out-loud look at the wonders and the surprises of life on the dark side of fifty.From the Hardcover edition.

Genres: Humor, Nonfiction, Biography, Biography Memoir, Autobiography, Comedy

Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 2008

About the author

Rita Rudner is an American comedienne, writer and actress.

Rudner and her producer husband, Martin Bergman, wrote the screenplay of the film Peter's Friends, in which she also acted. She is the author of the best-selling I Still Have It; I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It, Naked Beneath My Clothes, and the novels Tickled Pink and Turning The Tables. She has written several screenplays with her husband and a play called "Room 776" which premiered in Las Vegas in 2008.

Reviews

[ꕥ Ange_Lives_To_Read ꕥ · Rating 3 out of 5]

Rita Rudner is a funny lady. She wrote this in 2008, when my 50's were still a comfortable few years away. I would have laughed just as much if I read it then, but I can definitely relate even more now that I am also a Fiftysomething.

Rudner's style reminds me a bit of Seinfeld - gentle, observational humor that is not crass or mean-spirited. She tells stories specific to her life as a stand-up comic, but also about things most women can relate to: toilet training a toddler; the challenge of buying your husband a Christmas present year after year; the indignities of growing older in a society that worships youth; and caring for an aging parent - all entertaining, with many laugh-out-loud moments.

[I am SO glad I happened to spot this on my bookshelf - I devoured it in less than 24 hours, laughing all the way, and thus completed the 60th and final book for my 2019 reading challenge! Now I can stop hate-reading the idiotic Christmas romance that would otherwise have closed out my reading year.]

[Lain · Rating 5 out of 5]

I often pick up books by comedians and are disappointed -- often something is lost in the translation from spoken word to page. But in Rita Rudner's latest book, that is far from the truth. I actually was not familiar with her at all (though I recognized her name) so I was taking a big chance...would I even like her humor at all?

I found that the book was not only hilarious, it was well-written. Funny, touching, honest... like a conversation with a dear friend who just happens to have an extremely overactive funnybone!

Forget Nora Ephron's "I Feel Bad About my Neck." Pick up this one instead.

[Deb Jones · Rating 2 out of 5]

I picked up this book looking for a nice break from my mystery/crime/thriller usuals, thinking some comedy poking fun at the aging process and what so man of us fall prey to in trying to deny the effects of time on us. Sorry, this book wasn't what I thought it would be.

It read, to me, like many comedy sketches compiled into a book -- but sketches that overstretched their welcome and their humor.

[Paul · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have always loved Rita Rudner, and I especially liked Naked Under My Clothes. This book started out making me laugh out loud; the middle few essays made me broadly smile; the last few essays made me want to sleep. Rita has a great wit and ability with words, but she ran out of gas toward the end of this book and those essays seem to me to describe ordinary days in her ordinary life.

If she could have continued the pace she had set in the first few essays, I would have loved this, but the ending just dribbles out like Ellen Degeneres' My Point, and I Have One, and it seemed she was trying to think of anything mildly amusing to meet the word limit.

The thing I'm least interested in is nuclear submarines; second to that would be shopping, which I only do at Costco and Barnes & Noble. Her essay on finding the perfect purse was wasted on me, as well as the essay on how she makes up her face, step by step.

Anyway, she puts forth a good, honest effort, and she's willing to make self-deprecating jokes, which I admire a lot.

[Connie N. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very funny book by comedianne Rita Rudner. This is a series of stories, 4-5 pages each, on various subjects such as her daughter (whom she adopted later in life), her dog, her home, her shopping experiences, etc. Lots of fun and a very quick and enjoyable read.

Favorite quotes (and these are not really jokes but ways of looking at life in a humorous and optimistic way, I think): "...I shall impart to you my secret to happiness. It can be summed up in two words: low expectations. If you expect to be excellent at something, you will no doubt be disappointed. If you expect to be terrible, you can thrill yourself by actually being almost competent."

On new experiences: "The knee-jerk no is definitely something to avoid. Whenever I'm inclined to say no, I ask myself, Do I have a reason that I'm saying no to this or is it just out of habit?" And further, "...my point is not to say yes to everything. My point is to examine why you're saying no, and if you're saying no automatically because that's what you're used to saying, rethink it. You might find yourself in a better situation."

On her friend who died of cancer: "I know we all bitch about getting older and the state the world is in, but just to be able to wake up every day and live our second act is a privilege that we should never take for granted."

On texting: "So I have concluded today's generation has become so sophisticated in the age of too much communication that we now have no need to use words and we're gradually reverting back to hieroglyphics."

[Kathy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Having seen Rita Rudner on various talk shows and a few comedy specials over the years, I was curious as to what she would write about. It was refreshing to hear a comedian reflect on the oddities of life in a clean an insightful manner that was also funny. If you liked the original beginning to Seinfeld, you will like "I Still Have It, I Just Can't Remember Where I Put It." Rudner shares her thoughts on being a wife, mother, daughter and comedian who has lived in New York City, Los Angeles and Las Vegas.

A fun read for when you're looking for something light.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Casey's MIL loved this book so we decided to make it our book club pick for this month! I am looking forward to it. Thanks Paula for the recommendation!

Ok read this in Vegas and have a new love for Rita! There were so many fun quotes that I found myself reading them out loud to my family. Just a fun light book, chocked full of things I could relate to! I am hoping to be able to remember some of the funny things she said for days when I feel a little down.
Enjoyable and entertaining!

[Irene · Rating 4 out of 5]

Love her sense of humor. Picked this up while searching for something with a similar call number. The book is almost 10 years old, so some references are outdated (Osama Bin Laden and Whitney Houston were still alive then), but still an amusing look at the perils of turning 50, marriage, shopping, house-hunting and remodeling, pet ownership, etc. A nice diversion in the middle of more serious fiction books.

[SouthWestZippy · Rating 5 out of 5]

The first story she told about her father and his plane ride set the tone of the book. A laugh out loud, open, and honest look into her world.

[Mike Dambra · Rating 2 out of 5]

Pure fluff. Aimed at women over 50,I almost quit after the chapter on throw pillows,but pushed on. A good bathroom read I guess.

[Roni Blanche · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rita Rudner, you deceived me! I have been on a kick lately of reading books about navigating the turbulent waters of hitting mid-life since I'm not doing it so well on my own. I thought this was one of those books from reading the flap blurb. This is SO not one of those books. But I ain't mad, I got nothing but love for you (a fave quote from "Independence Day" I just had to throw in here, in case there are any other "ID" fans out there), because I needed this book way more than more how-to-turn-50 tips. YOU MADE ME LAUGH! Out loud even, and that's rare for me. So thanks for deceiving me! And I could read the short chapters, each a stand-alone comedy routine, on my breaks and actually return to work with a smile! I'm sure my co-workers would say "thanks" as well if they were writing this with me.
What parts made me laugh the hardest? That's tough to pin down because the whole book is hilarious, but here are a few for starters. I loved "Dining in the Dark," where Rita and husband Martin try to break out of their take-out habit by exploring one of "The Top Ten Hottest Places to Eat in L.A," according to Martin's magazine. Unfortunately, the article didn't mention they didn't actually get to "eat" at these places! All of the vignettes about house-hunting and moving and remodeling are hysterical -- of course, not to Rita and Martin, but then it did give her lots of writing material. Reading about Rita's quirky, crazy father gave me lots of laughs, and as a bonus made me feel that my own quirky, crazy father isn't quite so bad. "To Hell in a Handbag" is a hoot, especially since I've wrestled with my own "LV" envy over the years. And the Bonkers chapter stole the show, as he did Rita's show, as well as stole my heart! Put it this way, there is no un-funny story in the entire book!
Plus the quotes made me laugh and tack up a few on my bulletin board! I'll only share my faves (because this is a book review, not an entire book!):

"I can never ask for money back after I've loaned it to a friend and they forget to return it. The most I can do, when I'm over their house, is break something of that approximate value."

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet."

"My husband won't let me sunbathe topless. He says he's afraid I might poke someone's knee out."

"I don't want to be in good shape anymore. I don't want to be one of those women who look great from the back and then turn around and frighten people."

See what I mean?! The quotes are fabulous! Even the last chapter, where Rita shares other book titles she considered -- "Artificially Hip," "That Botox Has Sailed," "Aged to Imperfection," "I'm Still Hot (It Just Comes in Flashes)" -- made me crack up so much I wanted to start the book all over again.
If you're like me and can't afford a face-lift to make you feel better, get Rita's book and get a laugh-lift instead -- it's cheaper and totally pain-free!!

[Cindy · Rating 4 out of 5]

"If you expect to be excellent at something, you will no doubt be disappointed. If you expect to be terrible, you can thrill yourself by actually being almost competent."
A book of humorous essays Rita wrote about her life, including her childhood, parents, husband, home ownership, her daughter and her dog. She just can't bring herself to say she's fifty, so she says she's "filthy". I can relate and enjoyed the book. Easy to read. Easy to pick up and read a chapter whenever you get a minute.

[MJ · Rating 3 out of 5]

(Kathryn--DON'T READ THIS!) Well dang, this wasn't as good as "Naked Beneath My Clothes," but then these are the "Confessions of a fiftysomething," instead of the trials and tribulations of a thirtysomething. Rudner has a permanent show in Las Vegas as a comedian and I wish I could see her! Humourous bits abound to be sure but I was hoping for another "Naked" to read to my sister in Oregon during our upcoming vacation.

[Cindy K · Rating 5 out of 5]

These essays often make you laugh. Even when you're not laughing out loud, you enjoy the trip.

For years, my husband and I would read the Dave Barry columns to each other. (Okay, I usually did the reading.) It was so much fun to share the essay and made it all the funnier. We're going to read this book out loud too.

[Jesse · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very fun and easy read, it gives older women something to commiserate with and younger women something to look forward to. She has several humorous insights about aging, parenting, marriage and life in general. While her humor doesn’t translate perfectly well to the written word, it comes pretty darn close. I read it in about a day and was very glad I did.

[John · Rating 4 out of 5]

I remember when this book was released - Rita did a spot on NPR's Talk of the Nation w/ Neal Conan. She had me in stitches and I've had this book in the back of me head since then as a "To Read" luckily the other day I was in the right section of the library to find it.

After Reading - I laughed through most of the book, it didn't disappoint.

[Mama K · Rating 5 out of 5]

LOVED this book. as a "fiftysomething" myself I found Rudner's life observations not only humorous but also dead on. But the book is not just "funny." It is truthful and poignant. Most entries made me cry, either from laughter or sadness. Life is messy and unpredictable; Rudner showed us the truth of that as well as means to cope with it.

[Petra · Rating 3 out of 5]

~meh~ It was okay and most of her stories are humorous but it wasn't laugh out loud funny. It was more a chuckle here or there. Although, in all fairness to Rita, I HAD just finished Carol Burnett's latest and you shouldn't really compare the two.

For a light piece of fluff, I'd recommend it.

[Rhlibrary]

Marcia's "Beach Reads" pick for 2008:

If you’ve ever seen Rita live in Las Vegas, or on one of her PBS fund-raisers you’ll know why this will have people nearby in their beach chairs looking at you laughing away as you read this. Seriously hilarious.

[Cathy Zahner · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book and highly recommend it. It's a very fun read. Along with the humor, Rudner offers some pretty snappy insights about us middle-agers.
It is a great read for summer, or anytime you need a smile and a good story.

[Lake County Public Library]

"For a laugh-out-loud experience, read Rudner's take on being 50-something. I found myself reading portions out loud to my husband and then absolutely cracking up ... and he was laughing too ... but not as much as I."
--DB/Reference

[Robert Scott · Rating 3 out of 5]

+A very funny look at the mind of a fifty plus comedienne. There are some real nuggets buried in this book. Funny things, poignant things, friendly Jewish mother advice and general insight to Rita Rudner. By the way, the advice is often something we would all do well to adhere to.

[Kyla · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quietly, mildly, hilarious as only Rita Rudner can be. She observes motherhood, real estate and shopping with her distinctive outlook and the book is a worthy, light summer read for anyone who appreciates Rudner's droll touch.

[Anne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very funny stories about Rita's life.

[Janet]

Hysterical book

[Robin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love Rita Rudner and I was in the mood for this light and humorous look at turning 50 years old.

[Janna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Funny essays about being over 50.

[Margery · Rating 4 out of 5]

Admittedly over fifty, Rudner has commentaries on the oddities that women deal with. It was a laugh out loud book that just had to be shared with someone who could also laugh at life.

[Naty · Rating 4 out of 5]

Totally hilarious! Even when I'm way younger than her, I could relate by the things my mom said or experienced I've had and how many stupid mistakes we make when we're young. It's a true page turner

[Rhonda · Rating 2 out of 5]

A collection of short writings on the joys of growing older. Written with humor and candor, pretty funny.