The Crimes and Punishments of Miss Payne

by Barry Jonsberg

From the moment Miss Payne (“The Hound of the Baskervilles, the English teacher from Hell. The Pitbull!”) walks into their classroom, Calma and Kiffo know she will have to go. After doing a bit of, well, teacher stalking, they are amazed to discover her having late-night rendezvous with suspicious associates. Could she be involved in the mob? The drug trade? How fabulous! But the more they work to prove Miss Payne is crooked, the more evidence they find of her innocence. Creeping hell! A teacher this heinous has got to be guilty of something—right?From the Hardcover edition.

Genres: Young Adult, Humor, Mystery, School, Contemporary, Australia, Friendship

288 pages, Kindle Edition

First published April 1, 2004

About the author

Barry Jonsberg is an Australian author and teacher originally from Liverpool, England. He holds degrees in English and Psychology from Liverpool University and moved to Australia in 1999. His debut novel, The Whole Business with Kiffo and the Pitbull, earned acclaim in 2005, and his follow-up, It’s Not All About YOU, Calma, won the 2006 South Australian Festival Award for Children’s Literature. Jonsberg has continued to receive numerous honors, including awards and shortlistings for Dreamrider, My Life as an Alphabet, A Little Spark, and Smoke & Mirrors, affirming his place in contemporary young adult literature.

Reviews

[Cheryl · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Crimes and Punishments of Miss Payne and
The Whole Business with Kiffo and the Pitbull
are two different titles for the same story. I've combined them; please nobody separate them.

I can't decide if this is brilliant, or a brilliant hot mess. Is it a thriller? A satire? Is the narrator reliable, or not? It's definitely got that Australian vibe to it, like Getting the Girl and Have Courage, Hazel Green in which kids get involved in grown-ups' real-life issues. I found it refreshing and fun. But it's probably going to be dissed by lots of my friends. An acquired taste, if you will.

(edited four days afterwards - iow, it's a memorable book ;)

Another thought, the next day - a character mentions Marsden... now, I only read the first book, but iirc that famous series is about kids solving problems that grown-ups should have... so maybe the other Aussie MG/YA books I've read just kinda subconsciously emulate....

[Nashaly · Rating 4 out of 5]

My book is maybe the weirdest book I have ever read. This story takes place in a high school, in a class of 10th graders; just like me. There's 3 main characters, Miss Payne, Calma, and Kiffo. These characters are always getting in trouble with one another. Main ideas that occur in this story is that one of the students, Kiffo; he is a really big show off he always tries to be the biggest ignorant person in class. One time, they had a official teacher and Kiffo had a football in his hand and ended up throwing the ball at her face. All because she told him to do his work. So with this being said thats why Miss Payne is the new teacher. He doesn't like her because she is a pain like he describes her. Calma is another student that kind of changes a lot in class, shes a good student but has a hidden attitude. She likes Kiffo even through she doesn't want to admit it. She's the narrator of the story. They both get lots of detention while being in that class. Basically, they just dislike the fact that they get in lots of trouble because Miss Payne is a very strict teacher. I'm just going to get to the end of the book already. These kids wanted to figure out why she was like this. So they went to her home, sneaked in and just saw all these different weird conversations they were having they just couldn't explain. One time, Kiffo was at his house home alone and the phone lines cut off he got scared. They later found out she was sneaking up on them. So the kids felt as through they couldn't do anything anymore. They respected her so much because she got scary.

I actually like this book. Its pretty funny and all over the place. Makes me laugh here and then. What surprises me about this book is that it curses here and then and its pretty funny. I like everything about this book no dislikes. I actually would recommend this book to anymore who likes to read. It's a good way for people to learn how to read and focus on different topics.

[Cindee · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm not sure what made me to pick up this book and read it but I am glad to have. Don't let the cover fool you; inside is a truly compelling story. I have never laughed as much as I had while reading this. Calma is smart, witty and hilariously funny. I love the adventures she goes on even if it's just stalking her English teacher. The ending was so sudden and tragic that after laughing as I turned page after page, I could not hold my tears in. In short, it is a recommended read. Barry Jonsberg is a rare but excellent contemporary writer.

[Mark Gee · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very funny and clever book. So much humour, through all situations, and it works. I really liked the ending, especially Calma's great speech and a few more twists.

[Isabella Hayes · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book for school and it was so much better than I initially thought it was going to be. It was funny, Intriguing and you never quite new what was found to happen next. The crime subplot of this book was unlike any other crime novel I’ve ever read. I highly recommend this book to lovers of a mix of contemporary and mild crime.

[Alexander the greater ⚔️ · Rating 3 out of 5]

I REALLY liked this book although it's not the type I usually go for and the whole book was very unexpected.
The start of the book is like a comedy that quickly turns into a thriller/mystery sorta thing. I really enjoyed the characters and YAY another Aussie book but I was VERY VERY sad and VERY surprised even sh👀kth with the ending though. I was only happy for some of the small happier victories. I really enjoyed the last page of this book, Calma's report in chapter 0(😙🤸‍♀️👏✨), and the whole thing of Kiffo being (not)dumb and the school curricular being a failure. Although I still don't know how Calma thought and felt about Kiffo in the last chapter, so that's something that ill die with weighing on my chest. (if you know plez tell me)
and now here are some of my favorite quotes to cope with my declining mental health;
pg75 chapter 8- A reflection upon circumstances, after mature consideration: Bugger.

pg185 chapter 19- The promise: There could be no doubt that I was neck-deep in the brown smelly stuff. But then I remember that my grandmother used to say, some people that they could 'fall down the dunny any come up smelling like roses. Mabey it wasn't all over yet. Mabey Calma Harrison could yet emerge from the excrement with an aroma of patchouli.

pg203 chapter 21- One last go: "I'll tell you what might be interesting, Kiffo. My foot disappearing up your arse. Now for god's sake . . ."

pg257 (the last page) chapter 25- connected: Calma is like a girl that i know. She's like, you know, smart and everything but she's also like the best mate anyone could have. She's never talked to me like i'm dumb. I like her, like loads. I trust her like i don't trust no one else.

i . . .omfg Kiffo . . . i can't 😫😭😭😭😭😦😭 GO READ THIS

[Clare · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had to read this book for school, but unlike many mandatory English books, I thoroughly enjoyed it. It's about a girl called Calma, her friend Kiffo and the nasty new teacher Miss Payne (or as they refer to her as, the Pitbull).
I really liked the first person, informal kind of conversational writing style. It helped me understand Calma better and feel more emotion.
As for the back stories of these characters, Calma lives alone with her mum, she calls, 'the Fridge'. It's lonely and they don't have many luxuries. Kiffo, lives in a run down house with his dad.
The Pitbull, well... Calma and Kiffo try and work out if she's an evil mastermind drug dealer motorbike racer or an intelligent kind lady who's real personality is sometimes hidden beneath a snarl.
Our protagonist - Calma. She doesn't always get everything write, and it doesn't make it annoyingly easy for the reader to guess what's going to happen. Calma thinks one thing, and a couple chapters later you're second guessing her.
Overall, I would recommend this book to a friend. It's an enjoyable read and an interesting storyline.
Thanks :)

[Maddy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really funny :)

[Shoto Todoroki · Rating 3 out of 5]

In the beginning, what first struck me, was the way how the author describes characters and the writing style ish is in a may similar or reminds me of John Green's books. This tells us that it's important to be there for our friends.
When Kiffo screamed and collapsed, then Calma told, "Why? Why Kiffo?" Kiffo of all people died, and it's not fair. This brings the idea that life is fragile and we have to value the people around us and things around us. Most people might say we have time to live, but no. We only have time in the present, (as we are 3d beings but not 4d entities, lol) so. SO we have to cherish what we have now as "nothing stay forever".
However, when at the end I can't believe I cried at the end. Well instead of mainly feeling bad for the characters, I imagined my funeral and my friend's funerals. Either the best part from the whole book was when Calma delivered her speech for Kiffo's. It true and no one can deny it; there's no sugar coating in it, she tells the truth good and bad. In the end, we should realise not to judge someone for just how they seem, but also the reasons for their actions. This reinforces that people should have different perspectives and not just our own. A historic one can be shown through Hitler, people out of Germany see him as someone who genocides and a dominator. The citizen of Germany, however, see Hitler as savour, who increased their jobs and made "Germany great again!" Both are not wrong but one sees one more than the other or not. And understanding each other's perspectives we'll ultimately everything will be more understanding.

[Rachelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

2020 EBN Challenge ... Category #9
Challenge Topic: A book with a teacher in it.

Written from the perspective of a teenage girl, the book deals with the trouble of high school and how 2 unlikely friends deal with it. Not to mention, the mean horrible teacher that makes their live a living hell at school and they just know she is up to no good.

The author did a great job of catching the spirit of how real school happens. He is a teacher, which gives him some insight, but that fact that he can delve in to not so pretty side of school from a students prespective... well, I get the impression he is probably a pretty good teacher. I hope so anyway.

[Kira :) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was laughing from the first page, and then I was crying on the last. It’s a reflective and unique story that is written in a very engaging style. Part journal part crime-thriller (ha ha). This book offers some really interesting ideas on how kids at school are treated based on how they present themselves in terms of family history, grades, and social expectations. I think the teacher in this book had a terrible approach to her class. I think all of the adults in this story let these kids down. I was so saddened by the report on Jarryd’s English assignment at the end (fantastic narrative structure omg). It was such a impactful story for me as a teacher, and I really enjoyed reading it.

[Brittney Faye · Rating 5 out of 5]

'The Whole Business with Kiffo and the Pitbull' delves into student/teacher relationships, poverty, education and teenage-hood without over the the cliches of a teen drama. This, and its sequel 'Its not all about you Calma', are told from the view point of its female protagonist Calma. Calma is smart brilliantly written character that is the hero of our story, yet is deeply flawed and portrays the conflicting, sometimes selfishness of a teenage girl.

[Caroline Lewis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was recommended by goodreads author Will Kostakis and I was not disappointed. I found myself laughing out loud which is quite an achievement. I was reminded of one of my favourite books "Trouble is a Friend of Mine" as I followed the antics of the two friends and watched them constantly stuck in ridiculous predicaments. The story was told so skilfully that I could visualise the hilarious hijinks perfectly.

[LosingHope · Rating 5 out of 5]

5⭐/5

Cytując moją opinię z lubimyczytać:
Książka przy której każdy z pewnością się uśmieje.

I te zdanie podtrzymuję. Niezwykle dobrze kiedyś bawiłam się na tej książce, a w końcówce płakałam strasznie, aż doprowadziło mnie to do zastoju czytelniczego (choć wtedy tego się tak nie nazywało XD). Piękna, wartościowa opowieść, choć bardzo króciutka.

(aktualizuję gr i dodaję książki od samego początku zapisywania)

[Liv Peculiar · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed the book, I just felt as though there was a lot of repetition in the middle section of the story. However, the characters are extremely lovable an human, and they add a lot to the enjoyment of the story.

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is absolutely hilarious for most of the text. The narrator is very well written and funny. And then the end comes along and hits you like a freight train. Needs to be wrapped up a little more solidly.

[amie · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5. Think I picked this up from a Little Free Library. It was strange and not like most YA books. Tons and tons of figurative language in this - the English teacher in me loved it but it seemed to die out as the story went on.

[Steph💕]

Read this like 11 years ago for school. Don’t remember anything about it but I saw it at the thrift store today and it reminded me about it. I was literally 13 when I read it. I won’t ever read it again though coz it reminds me of school 😅

[jenny !! · Rating 2 out of 5]

The lesson is to not associate yourself with the wrong crowd. Love the theme of friendship and the typical socio-economic struggle that every book incorporates for English teachers to inhale it like coke. Kiffo's death was pretty sad tho. The ending page was good.

[Vanessa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was hard to rate and it wasn't what I expected. It was a twist ending and not one I particularly liked. I don't feel the title is fitting at all. The most enjoyable part the amount of creative writing the author was able to use.

[Kirra-Rose Lewis · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.75-4 /5 stars

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this book, and it's one of few that made me laugh out loud. The ending was sad though.

[Andrea Scott · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book,
it had me laughing, probably because I am in a school and see similarities between English teachers and students.

[Anna · Rating 3 out of 5]

I thought after reading this I’d understand why it’s remained on our text list for SO LONG but actually I still don’t. There are so many better YA novels that could take its place.

[Jess · Rating 2 out of 5]

I taught this to a year 8 class and honestly saw no point in it. There’s no clear message or purpose behind this book. At times it’s engaging but for the most part it’s annoying.

[Tanya Boulter · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked this book much better than catch me if I fall. I really liked the main characters and their interactions with the world

[lottie · Rating 4 out of 5]

nigdy więcej nie chce przeczytać tej książki. popłakałam sie na końcu jak dziecko przez śmierć kiffo i poczułam ból. psychiczny ból który czują ludzie po utracie kogoś bliskiego.

[Trigger Warning Database]

Trigger & Content Warnings

Alcohol consumption & smoking
Car & motorcycle accident
Animal abuse (dog)

[Monique]

Made me want to reread the second one for the missed connections.

[Emma Davies · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great last couple of chapters. Slow start but good story.