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A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development
The world-famous psychiatrist and author of the classic works Attachment, Separation, and Loss offers important guidelines for child rearing based on the crucial role of early intimate relationships.
225 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1988
226 people are currently reading
3646 people want to read
About the author
John Bowlby
69 books267 followersPsychologist, psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, notable for his interest in child development and for his pioneering work in attachment theory.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 55 reviews
January 28, 2013
I was expecting a bit more of the actual theory of attachment instead of the history of it but it was helpful in understanding the theory and its development, interesting and well written.
Oh and if you want to talk about the content it's basically - parents screw you up but only because their parents screwed them over too. Everyone's responsible but no one's to blame.
Actually, there was one thing which I felt was important not from a psychiatric POV but just in general was that the emotional development is so under-valued (this was written a while ago so predates its own impact on the field where this as an important area. Even now people think first of physical and sexual neglect before emotional neglect (and the book points out how some relatively simple/innocuous can in fact be quite harmful in the long term). Bowlby put it so -
There are, in fact, no more important communications between one human being and another than those expressed emotionally. ... During the earliest years of our lives, indeed, emotional expression and its reception are the only means of communication we have..."
Oh and if you want to talk about the content it's basically - parents screw you up but only because their parents screwed them over too. Everyone's responsible but no one's to blame.
Actually, there was one thing which I felt was important not from a psychiatric POV but just in general was that the emotional development is so under-valued (this was written a while ago so predates its own impact on the field where this as an important area. Even now people think first of physical and sexual neglect before emotional neglect (and the book points out how some relatively simple/innocuous can in fact be quite harmful in the long term). Bowlby put it so -
There are, in fact, no more important communications between one human being and another than those expressed emotionally. ... During the earliest years of our lives, indeed, emotional expression and its reception are the only means of communication we have..."
June 2, 2021
La teoria dell'attaccamento è sicuramente una teoria molto affascinante, ma la trattazione è appesantita un po' troppo, proprio perché il libro nasce come raccolta di conferenze dell'autore. Si nota spesso un modo di affrontare il problema in maniera estremamente verbosa, peccato.
August 21, 2015
As goodreads suggests for two stars "it was ok". I was torn between 2 and 3.
On the one hand, it is a well written collection of essays on attatchment theory. It is fairly well explained, there are a lot of studies cited, and some lectures were very interesting.
That said, others were not. Bowlby was a psychoanalyst who was just starting to break the mold that Freud had set, and had been stagnating for several years. His ideas contrast quite nicely with Freud's more absurd theories, but at the same time, often state the obvious. Psychoanalysts had, at the time, gone way off on a tangent, completely detatching themselves from reality, and Bowlby was trying to set them back on track. In the 21st century though, quite a bit of what he "revealed" is painfully obvious. He cited two articles to demonstrate that pregnant women seek support from their husbands and mothers. Understandably, science isn't supposed to take anything for granted, but when you're writing an intentionally short essay, it seem a bit unnecessary to include such research.
I am currently not entirely convinced by attachment theory, or at least not on the same scale he seems to see in the world, and this also influenced my opinion of the book. The basic idea is very convincing (in that it is based on quite obvious aspects of human nature), but then suddenly he arrives to conclusions that are not actually supported by the facts.
In sum: props to Bowlby for trying to fix psychoanalysis, but this book is not necessary for a 21st century recap of psychological research in the parent-child bond.
On the one hand, it is a well written collection of essays on attatchment theory. It is fairly well explained, there are a lot of studies cited, and some lectures were very interesting.
That said, others were not. Bowlby was a psychoanalyst who was just starting to break the mold that Freud had set, and had been stagnating for several years. His ideas contrast quite nicely with Freud's more absurd theories, but at the same time, often state the obvious. Psychoanalysts had, at the time, gone way off on a tangent, completely detatching themselves from reality, and Bowlby was trying to set them back on track. In the 21st century though, quite a bit of what he "revealed" is painfully obvious. He cited two articles to demonstrate that pregnant women seek support from their husbands and mothers. Understandably, science isn't supposed to take anything for granted, but when you're writing an intentionally short essay, it seem a bit unnecessary to include such research.
I am currently not entirely convinced by attachment theory, or at least not on the same scale he seems to see in the world, and this also influenced my opinion of the book. The basic idea is very convincing (in that it is based on quite obvious aspects of human nature), but then suddenly he arrives to conclusions that are not actually supported by the facts.
In sum: props to Bowlby for trying to fix psychoanalysis, but this book is not necessary for a 21st century recap of psychological research in the parent-child bond.
September 7, 2020
I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't benefit from reading this book. This book can help you to understand yourself and the way you relate to other people, other people and how they relate to you, and the basis of the way we form attachments. Understanding this can help us to challenge and overcome unhelpful or unhealthy attachment behaviours, to form healthier relationships with ourselves and others. I can't recommend it highly enough. Read it to understand yourself, your partner, your relationships. Read it to help you to be a better parent to your child. Just read it.
January 7, 2025
Siempre me gusta volver al psicoanálisis tbh, y me asombra lo pertinentes que siguen siendo las ideas de este libro hoy en día, y transversales a otras corrientes. (No le pongo 5 estrellas porque no me ha resultado ground breaking, por haber estudiado psicología y tal)
Creo que me será útil para mi tesis :)
Creo que me será útil para mi tesis :)
May 17, 2019
This is excellent. It is a series of essays that outlines Bowlby's theories of attachment styles and their determinants. He explains succinctly the shortcomings of Freud's theory of energy and developmental phases and outlines his own exploration of ethology and also animal attachment behaviour studies as an approach to understanding the complex problems that arise when early human attachment relationships go awry.
Bowlby acknowledges the role of such adverse events of childhood as a child being scapegoated, unwanted, controlled by guilt-inducing techniques, or being identified with a grandparent with whom the parent has had a difficult relationship. He makes some excellent observations on the cognitive dissonance experienced by children when they know what they 'shouldn't' know or have seen what the parent desires that they had never witnessed and how these memories are suppressed and lead to personality disorders later in life.
There is a worthy section on the adverse effects of child sexual abuse. It was very interesting to learn of the lasting and unfortunate effects on the psychotherapeutic community of the dismissal by Freud of his patients memories in this area as being false and untrustworthy, and the effects of such 'seduction' as minimal and unworthy of attention.
Bowlby acknowledges the role of such adverse events of childhood as a child being scapegoated, unwanted, controlled by guilt-inducing techniques, or being identified with a grandparent with whom the parent has had a difficult relationship. He makes some excellent observations on the cognitive dissonance experienced by children when they know what they 'shouldn't' know or have seen what the parent desires that they had never witnessed and how these memories are suppressed and lead to personality disorders later in life.
There is a worthy section on the adverse effects of child sexual abuse. It was very interesting to learn of the lasting and unfortunate effects on the psychotherapeutic community of the dismissal by Freud of his patients memories in this area as being false and untrustworthy, and the effects of such 'seduction' as minimal and unworthy of attention.
December 5, 2016
An easily digestible introduction to Attachment Theory by its principle originator.
Whilst Bowlby's background was in psychoanalysis, he eschewed the Freudian concepts of developmental stages and of the inner 'fantasy' life being more crucial in psychopathology than the effect of real-life events upon a person's 'developmental pathway'. His emphasis on the importance of the present experience over examination of past memories, and of the therapeutic effect of the quality of the client-therapist relationship, also distinguishes his work from that of traditional psychoanalysis. I found many of his precepts compatible with the client-centred therapy of Carl Rogers, which is the theoretical framework for counselling with which I am most familiar.
Bowlby's work fills in something of the blank in Rogerian therapy regarding child development. Whilst a counsellor working in the classical client-centred approach may not feel the need for this blank to be filed, it's something I've found fascinating and which I intend to read into further.
Whilst Bowlby's background was in psychoanalysis, he eschewed the Freudian concepts of developmental stages and of the inner 'fantasy' life being more crucial in psychopathology than the effect of real-life events upon a person's 'developmental pathway'. His emphasis on the importance of the present experience over examination of past memories, and of the therapeutic effect of the quality of the client-therapist relationship, also distinguishes his work from that of traditional psychoanalysis. I found many of his precepts compatible with the client-centred therapy of Carl Rogers, which is the theoretical framework for counselling with which I am most familiar.
Bowlby's work fills in something of the blank in Rogerian therapy regarding child development. Whilst a counsellor working in the classical client-centred approach may not feel the need for this blank to be filed, it's something I've found fascinating and which I intend to read into further.
May 25, 2009
The book is a series of lectures given by the father of attachment theory. Though a great deal more research had taken places in the last 20+ years, Bowlby's conclusions are still both correct and impressively prescient. A very readable looking into the thinking of an important contributor to psychology and psychoanalysis.
November 24, 2019
As someone interested in finding out about my own personal state of mind, I found this to be a very useful book. In particular I found chapter seven entitled 'The role of attachment in personality development' to be helpful. What I find interesting is that as well as looking at the cases where psychoanalysis may be used as a means to healing, the influence that our parents and other family members and associates have on our lives will most certainly have an impact on the course of our psychological development and it follows that the early years are crucial as we are most vulnerable and malleable at this time. Also of interest is the idea that these symptoms may be relayed or passed from one generation to the next as behavior is learned and absorbed and displayed again.
May 5, 2021
Yeah. It's that good. Attachment answers everything from addiction to a lot of depression, anxiety, and trauma issues. Attachment issues answers why so many people are susceptible to abuse and gaslighting. The fragility of attachment also answers why the American culture is so screwed up and the target of tactical advertising and anti-family laws (parental leave and whatnot).
February 24, 2016
Classic book by another famous name in psychology. Bowlby's theories in this book are some of the cornerstones of child psychology. Certainly a must read for a students of psychology.
March 13, 2008
A tough read, I think. But enough research to add credibilty to his awesome theory. Just freaking love your kids- keep them close, and let them know they are secure.
January 17, 2022
One of the most basic, simple, elaborate and explanatory theories of the human development and where it can go wrong. I think it's a must read for anyone working in therapy and mental health.
August 11, 2025
This book is a collection of nine lectures and articles that were delivered or published at universities, physchiatric associations, Journals, etc. So, it's not a book that is aimed at the general public, but rather its audience (i.e psychiatrists, psychotherapists, professors, researchers, etc.) is assumed to already have a substantial background on the subject. That being said, if your goal is to get introduced to attachment theory, I wouldn't recommend starting with this book as you might lose your appetite for the subject if you dive head-first into something as dense as this.
The book gives a good overview of the evolution of developmental physchiatry, and the role attachment theory plays in that evolution. JB explains how the early attachments we develop with our parents, or parent substitutes, contribute to our mental stability and attachment patterns later in life. I found the book valuable for:
1- Understanding myself better and assesing my upbringing against what JB defines as healthy human development.
2- Understanding other people: One of the points that JB emphasised was how the environment and socioeconomic status affects one's behaviours and attachment style. Once you fully grasp the significant effect of these two variables, which one has no control over but rather finds him/herself born into, you become less judgmental of others when they exhibit certain abnormal behaviours.
3- Educating myself about the possible root-causes behind insecure attachment styles. This is particularly useful as it helps me know what NOT to do when raising my own children.
One thing I did not like about the book is the redundancy between some of the lectures. Although JB notes in the introductions that some parts were omitted to avoid overlap, a noticeable amount of redundancy still remains.
The book gives a good overview of the evolution of developmental physchiatry, and the role attachment theory plays in that evolution. JB explains how the early attachments we develop with our parents, or parent substitutes, contribute to our mental stability and attachment patterns later in life. I found the book valuable for:
1- Understanding myself better and assesing my upbringing against what JB defines as healthy human development.
2- Understanding other people: One of the points that JB emphasised was how the environment and socioeconomic status affects one's behaviours and attachment style. Once you fully grasp the significant effect of these two variables, which one has no control over but rather finds him/herself born into, you become less judgmental of others when they exhibit certain abnormal behaviours.
3- Educating myself about the possible root-causes behind insecure attachment styles. This is particularly useful as it helps me know what NOT to do when raising my own children.
One thing I did not like about the book is the redundancy between some of the lectures. Although JB notes in the introductions that some parts were omitted to avoid overlap, a noticeable amount of redundancy still remains.
December 16, 2022
So many amazing insights in here. I’m overwhelmingly obsessed w attachment theory still almost a year later.
Read
September 6, 2023A secure base
Reading notes
## Caring for children
* Healthy, happy, and self-reliant people came from stable homes which both parents gave a lot of time and attention to them
* The relationship between child and attached figure
* If all goes well — joy and security, confident and competent, thrives socially and emotionally
* If threatened — jealousy, anxiety, and anger
* If broken — grief and depression
* A secure base — a place a person can return to knowing for sure that he will be welcomed and nourished physically and emotionally, comforted if distressed, reassured if frightened — created when a parent is available and ready to respond when called upon
* Girls who grown up with physical abuse would grow up to be perpetually anxious about abandonment, expect physical violence to be natural, and expect nothing in the way of love or support from anyone
## Violence in the family
* Abusive mothers:
* Prone to periods of intense anxiety with outbursts of violent anger (which puzzles her and feels intense shame)
* Impulsive and immature
* Has exceptionally strong dependency needs but extremely distrustful and unable or unwilling to make close relationships
* Socially isolated
* Treat children as though they were much older than they are
* Experienced long or repeated separation and/or being repeatedly threatened with abandonment in childhood
* Yearn for care but expect rejection only and mistrust any offer of love and care
* Grow up terrified that if she did anything wrong her mother would leave — later in life, this anger and terror is triggered by unrelated events then redirected toward a different target, often the child who cannot retaliate
* ———
* Physical assault is a manifest sign of repeated episodes of angry verbal and physical rejection — prolonged hostile rejection and neglect
* Abused children:
* Depressed, passive, inhibited, dependent and anxious, angry and aggressive
* Frozen watchfulness, hyper alert for what might happen, unusual sensitivity to needs of their parents
* Difficulty making relationships
* Shows unhealthy avoidance or a mix of approach and avoidance behavior in social settings
* Assault other children or assault or threaten to assault adults
* Malicious behavior with the sole intent of making the victim show distress
* Attacks were sudden and especially toward an adult who a child is becoming attached
* Unsympathetic to age-mates in distress; instead of expressing concern and make move to comfort, they react with fear, distress, and anger, then behave hostilely toward the crying age-mate (treat others like how they were treated)
* Unpredictable behavior — one moment a child is hugging the therapist, the next he’s kicking her
* ———
* Abusive men:
* Unwarranted violent behavior, akin to madness
* Received harsh and unsympathetic treatment in childhood
* Parents constantly engaged in violent quarrels
* Angry and despair abut the love he never got
* Jealous of wife’s attention to baby
* Coercive techniques
* A form of imprisonment — lock wife inside of house or take all of her money
* Lock wife out of house then beg her to come back
* Battering
* ———
* ———
* Battered wives: from disturbed and rejected homes and has tendency to marry the first man they met (often also from violent homes)
* Abusive relationship lasts because each partner is deeply anxiously attached to the other and developed a strategy to control the other to keep them from departing
## On knowing what you are not supposed to know and feeling what you are not supposed to feel
* When children observe scenes their parent do not want them to observe, the children are aware and conform to parent’s wish by not process this information — they stop being aware of they have observed the scene, formed a impression, or had a experience. Sometimes parents would further press the children to shut of — such children develop a chronic distrust of other people, inhibition of their curiosity, distrust of their own sense, and a tendency to find everything unreal
* Feelings are not processed — sorrow and crying is condemned as inappropriate and child is jeered at instead of comforted
* A child is required to act as parent while the parent becomes a child — placing a heavy burden on the child and the child is expected to be grateful and appear to be happy at all times — “I was terribly lonely as a child but I was never allowed to know it”
* Threatening to abandon a child as a mean of control — the child develops acute and chronic anxiety because he feels he was deliberately abandoned as a punishment
* This causes major disorder of personality such as narcissism or false sense of self, and worst case psychosis and multiple personalities
* If feelings and actions ensured from feelings were not processed, the personality will be prone to the already established unhealthy pattern —
* Yearning for love and care inaccessible
* Anger directed at inappropriate targets
* Anxiety aroused by inappropriate situations
* Hostile behavior expected from inappropriate sources
* ———
* The goal of therapy is to
* Find a link between current feeling and a situation that aroused them, then find the true target of the feeling
* Once the why is found, then the person can reappraise his response and take action to restructure his thought pattern
* Discover what the relevant scenes and experience are, and find out how these senses continue to influence him
* False Self (Donald Winnicott
* True self is based on spontaneous authentic experience and a feeling of being alive, having a real self with little to no contradiction
* False self is created by defensive facade, cause individual to lack spontaneity and feeling dead and empty behind inconsistent and incompetent appearance of being real
* When a good-enough-parent is missing, a child places other people’s expectation over their own feeling (this is when the contradiction occurs), they build a false set of relationships and performs being real, but it’s just concealing the barren emptiness behind an independent seeing facade
* A false self is marked by changed behavior, repressed feeling, needs, desires, and thoughts — examples:
* If I make more money, I will be successful
* If I am pretty, then I will be likable
* If I work hard, then I will provide more value
* If I drink more wine, I will be happier
* ———
* It’s important to value real feelings and desires, no one else’s needs should proceed our own
* ———
## The role of attachment in personality development
* Principal features of effective personality functioning and mental health is marked by the capacity to make intimate emotional bonds with other individuals
* Emotional bond:
* care seeking
* Caretaking
* Exploring environment — when a person is secure, they are more likely to explore away from the attached figure
* ———
* Secured children has better capacity to engage in social interaction and experience pleasure during it
* Attachment is a working model of self and attachment figures that are build in the mind during childhood and is the central feature of personality functioning throughout life
* Pattern 1, secure — they are confident that if they need help they would receive it after asking parents
* Pattern 2, anxious resistant — uncertain if they would receive help — prone to separation anxiety, clinging, anxious about exploring the world
* Pattern 3, anxious avoidant — no confident about receiving help and expected to be rebuffed — attempt to live life without love and support of others, try to be emotionally self-sufficient, may later be diagnosed as narcissistic or having a false self, vulnerable to mental ill-health, vulnerable to breakdowns
* ———
* Once attachment is developed, they are taken for granted and operated at a unconscious level
* A insecurely attached mother can still have a securely attached child, characteristics of such mothers:
* Can fluently and coherently tells childhood story — positive aspect of childhood is acknowledged and well integrated with negative ones
* Reflected a lot on heir unhappy experience and how they have affected them in the long term, and why their parents treated her the way they did
* Came to term with their experience
* Since they reprocessed negative experience to come to term with them, she is just as capable of responding her child’s attachment behavior as a mother who had a happy childhood
* ———
## Attachment, communication, and the therapeutic process
* Goal of attachment-based therapy is build a relationship with the patient and help them gain new understanding of themselves as the experience the new therapeutic relationship
* Tasks of attachment-based therapy
* Provide patient with a secure base to explore unhappy and painful aspects of his life (past and present) —a trusted companion for support, encouragement, sympathy, and occasionally guidance, so he can process what otherwise could be impossible
* Encourage patient to think about the ways that he engages in relationships with significant figures in his current life — expectation for self and others, unconscious biases when he selects a person for intimate relationship but creates a situation that ends badly for them
* Examine the relationship between therapist and patient, so patient can view perceptions, constructions and expectation for the childhood attached figure
* Table the patient to get to know his metal model of self and others, how it came to be, and if it’s still a accurate reflection of his current word, and what kind of action would be caused by this model; therefore, the patient can think about alternatives that’s most suitable to lead his current life better instead of being a unknowing slave to the model — able to think, feel, and act in new ways
* ———
* Traits of a good therapist:
* Reliable, attentive, sympathetically responsive to his patient, and empathetic (able to to see and feel through the patient’s eyes) — accept and respects the patient, cares about the patient’s welfare
* Not there to provide the patient with all the care and affection he has always wanted but never had
* The only purpose of exploring the past is to gain insight into current feeling and actions, so they are free to restructure, therapy is inclined towards self-healing
* Not passive — attentive, sensitively response and recognize that there are times the therapist should take initiative instead of the patient
* When patient talk about everything except his thoughts and feelings about people — necessary to draw his attention to his avoidance of this area, and the mistrust of the therapist — ask for more details or raise questions about situations of childhood that the patient has and think about how this fits into what the patient has been describing and how they fit into problems the patient is suffering from
* A problem can be the patient describes what a terrible time he had but there’s no progress made — possible the patient is worried the therapist does not believe what he says — a therapist can help patient understand he believes
* A problem can also be a story can be told and retold in cynical way with no show of feeling — this is not right — the therapist need to help uncover the feelings, they can express all possible feelings verbally, then the patient would feel safe to do so — “all the grief and the tears she had always felt but never dare express) — failure to express emotion is mainly due to unconscious fear that the emotion would lead to a dreaded outcome (anger that leads to punishment, a tearful appeal for comfort and help lead to rejection and humiliation) — these patients often assume therapist will be intolerant to anger and tears
* ———
* Issue with therapy
* Issue: patient might problem in a way to avoid rejection, criticism, or humiliation (i.e. not completely honest); some are aware of this and some are not. Therapist should be able to catch signs of distrust and evasion — avoidance patients has a tendency to be emotionally self-contained and insulated against intimate contact with other people, even when they start therapy they keep the therapist at a distance — and will talk about anything BUT emotionally charged relationships (past or present), or say that they have nothing to talk about (i.e. might look very honest and open but really they are not because they are not talking about something that really bothers them. To treat a deeply distrustful person, therapist should hav prolonged, quiet, and friendly patience — these type of patients have been subjected to prolonged rejection as a child when they asked for comfort or help, and are terrified to receive something similar again.
* Issue: patient worries that therapist try to trap him so that the situation benefits the therapist — these type of patient were subject to being a caretaker for their parents as a child OR patient treat therapist like a parent and direct negative emotion; in these cases therapist should help patient understand that present resentment/fear/anxiety stems from past mistreatment at the hands of others and treatment, continue to hold battle is not productive, and the unhappy past can never be changed
* Issue: false idealization of therapist to be a perfect parent they never had
* ———
* Attachment model is not here to blame the parents (i.e how they threat their parent is a major cause of mental ill-health; therapist should avoid moral judgment and encourage the patient to consider how and why the parent might have acted the way they did — this way patient can gain understanding of how things have developed and move on to forgiveness and reconciliation. Also to gain insight into how and why family life has developed and now to help improve it
* Example pathogenic situations (help to inform origin of anxiety, anger, and guilt)
* Systematic threats to not love a child used as a mean of control
* What: not provide affection or comfort when child is upset, frightened, or distressed; not provide help or encouragement in other times
* Result: patient intensely anxious to please and guilt prone
* Threats to abandon a child
* What: physically disappear or make up story about how child will be removed from home
* Result: separation anxiety
* Threats to commit suicide
* What: threats to commit suicide or other appalling things in distress situation, either to another parent or directed at the child; then after situation is done they claim they never had said such things
* Result: terror
* Disclaimer and disconfirmations
* What: parent disconfirm what a child has seen or heard
* Result: patient is uncertain whether something had happened and end up being guilty about making things up (therapist should weight evidence and ask probing questions, and unless there’s evidence or the patient is a pathological liar, accept patient’s story as a reasonable approximation to the truth. The reverse of empathy is to question the patient constantly.
* Others examples:
* Child is unwanted
* Child is the wrong sex for their family
* Child is made as the family scapegoat (family tragedy is always attributed to him)
* Parent use guilt-inducing techniques to control a child (you did xyz so now my stomach and heart hurts)
* Parent make the child her attachment figure by discouraging exploration and from believing he will never make it on his own
* Child is a target of serious physical abuse from parent or step parent
* ———
* ———
* In order for therapy to be effective — patient not only talks about memories, ideas, dreams, hopes, and desires, but also express his feelings (help a cynical and frozen person to discover the depth of her feeling and express them freely).
* The most important thing between two people is emotional communication — how each feels toward the other — therapy should help enable this by uncovering and restructuring unhealthy mental model that prevents this from happening in the patient’s life
Reading notes
## Caring for children
* Healthy, happy, and self-reliant people came from stable homes which both parents gave a lot of time and attention to them
* The relationship between child and attached figure
* If all goes well — joy and security, confident and competent, thrives socially and emotionally
* If threatened — jealousy, anxiety, and anger
* If broken — grief and depression
* A secure base — a place a person can return to knowing for sure that he will be welcomed and nourished physically and emotionally, comforted if distressed, reassured if frightened — created when a parent is available and ready to respond when called upon
* Girls who grown up with physical abuse would grow up to be perpetually anxious about abandonment, expect physical violence to be natural, and expect nothing in the way of love or support from anyone
## Violence in the family
* Abusive mothers:
* Prone to periods of intense anxiety with outbursts of violent anger (which puzzles her and feels intense shame)
* Impulsive and immature
* Has exceptionally strong dependency needs but extremely distrustful and unable or unwilling to make close relationships
* Socially isolated
* Treat children as though they were much older than they are
* Experienced long or repeated separation and/or being repeatedly threatened with abandonment in childhood
* Yearn for care but expect rejection only and mistrust any offer of love and care
* Grow up terrified that if she did anything wrong her mother would leave — later in life, this anger and terror is triggered by unrelated events then redirected toward a different target, often the child who cannot retaliate
* ———
* Physical assault is a manifest sign of repeated episodes of angry verbal and physical rejection — prolonged hostile rejection and neglect
* Abused children:
* Depressed, passive, inhibited, dependent and anxious, angry and aggressive
* Frozen watchfulness, hyper alert for what might happen, unusual sensitivity to needs of their parents
* Difficulty making relationships
* Shows unhealthy avoidance or a mix of approach and avoidance behavior in social settings
* Assault other children or assault or threaten to assault adults
* Malicious behavior with the sole intent of making the victim show distress
* Attacks were sudden and especially toward an adult who a child is becoming attached
* Unsympathetic to age-mates in distress; instead of expressing concern and make move to comfort, they react with fear, distress, and anger, then behave hostilely toward the crying age-mate (treat others like how they were treated)
* Unpredictable behavior — one moment a child is hugging the therapist, the next he’s kicking her
* ———
* Abusive men:
* Unwarranted violent behavior, akin to madness
* Received harsh and unsympathetic treatment in childhood
* Parents constantly engaged in violent quarrels
* Angry and despair abut the love he never got
* Jealous of wife’s attention to baby
* Coercive techniques
* A form of imprisonment — lock wife inside of house or take all of her money
* Lock wife out of house then beg her to come back
* Battering
* ———
* ———
* Battered wives: from disturbed and rejected homes and has tendency to marry the first man they met (often also from violent homes)
* Abusive relationship lasts because each partner is deeply anxiously attached to the other and developed a strategy to control the other to keep them from departing
## On knowing what you are not supposed to know and feeling what you are not supposed to feel
* When children observe scenes their parent do not want them to observe, the children are aware and conform to parent’s wish by not process this information — they stop being aware of they have observed the scene, formed a impression, or had a experience. Sometimes parents would further press the children to shut of — such children develop a chronic distrust of other people, inhibition of their curiosity, distrust of their own sense, and a tendency to find everything unreal
* Feelings are not processed — sorrow and crying is condemned as inappropriate and child is jeered at instead of comforted
* A child is required to act as parent while the parent becomes a child — placing a heavy burden on the child and the child is expected to be grateful and appear to be happy at all times — “I was terribly lonely as a child but I was never allowed to know it”
* Threatening to abandon a child as a mean of control — the child develops acute and chronic anxiety because he feels he was deliberately abandoned as a punishment
* This causes major disorder of personality such as narcissism or false sense of self, and worst case psychosis and multiple personalities
* If feelings and actions ensured from feelings were not processed, the personality will be prone to the already established unhealthy pattern —
* Yearning for love and care inaccessible
* Anger directed at inappropriate targets
* Anxiety aroused by inappropriate situations
* Hostile behavior expected from inappropriate sources
* ———
* The goal of therapy is to
* Find a link between current feeling and a situation that aroused them, then find the true target of the feeling
* Once the why is found, then the person can reappraise his response and take action to restructure his thought pattern
* Discover what the relevant scenes and experience are, and find out how these senses continue to influence him
* False Self (Donald Winnicott
* True self is based on spontaneous authentic experience and a feeling of being alive, having a real self with little to no contradiction
* False self is created by defensive facade, cause individual to lack spontaneity and feeling dead and empty behind inconsistent and incompetent appearance of being real
* When a good-enough-parent is missing, a child places other people’s expectation over their own feeling (this is when the contradiction occurs), they build a false set of relationships and performs being real, but it’s just concealing the barren emptiness behind an independent seeing facade
* A false self is marked by changed behavior, repressed feeling, needs, desires, and thoughts — examples:
* If I make more money, I will be successful
* If I am pretty, then I will be likable
* If I work hard, then I will provide more value
* If I drink more wine, I will be happier
* ———
* It’s important to value real feelings and desires, no one else’s needs should proceed our own
* ———
## The role of attachment in personality development
* Principal features of effective personality functioning and mental health is marked by the capacity to make intimate emotional bonds with other individuals
* Emotional bond:
* care seeking
* Caretaking
* Exploring environment — when a person is secure, they are more likely to explore away from the attached figure
* ———
* Secured children has better capacity to engage in social interaction and experience pleasure during it
* Attachment is a working model of self and attachment figures that are build in the mind during childhood and is the central feature of personality functioning throughout life
* Pattern 1, secure — they are confident that if they need help they would receive it after asking parents
* Pattern 2, anxious resistant — uncertain if they would receive help — prone to separation anxiety, clinging, anxious about exploring the world
* Pattern 3, anxious avoidant — no confident about receiving help and expected to be rebuffed — attempt to live life without love and support of others, try to be emotionally self-sufficient, may later be diagnosed as narcissistic or having a false self, vulnerable to mental ill-health, vulnerable to breakdowns
* ———
* Once attachment is developed, they are taken for granted and operated at a unconscious level
* A insecurely attached mother can still have a securely attached child, characteristics of such mothers:
* Can fluently and coherently tells childhood story — positive aspect of childhood is acknowledged and well integrated with negative ones
* Reflected a lot on heir unhappy experience and how they have affected them in the long term, and why their parents treated her the way they did
* Came to term with their experience
* Since they reprocessed negative experience to come to term with them, she is just as capable of responding her child’s attachment behavior as a mother who had a happy childhood
* ———
## Attachment, communication, and the therapeutic process
* Goal of attachment-based therapy is build a relationship with the patient and help them gain new understanding of themselves as the experience the new therapeutic relationship
* Tasks of attachment-based therapy
* Provide patient with a secure base to explore unhappy and painful aspects of his life (past and present) —a trusted companion for support, encouragement, sympathy, and occasionally guidance, so he can process what otherwise could be impossible
* Encourage patient to think about the ways that he engages in relationships with significant figures in his current life — expectation for self and others, unconscious biases when he selects a person for intimate relationship but creates a situation that ends badly for them
* Examine the relationship between therapist and patient, so patient can view perceptions, constructions and expectation for the childhood attached figure
* Table the patient to get to know his metal model of self and others, how it came to be, and if it’s still a accurate reflection of his current word, and what kind of action would be caused by this model; therefore, the patient can think about alternatives that’s most suitable to lead his current life better instead of being a unknowing slave to the model — able to think, feel, and act in new ways
* ———
* Traits of a good therapist:
* Reliable, attentive, sympathetically responsive to his patient, and empathetic (able to to see and feel through the patient’s eyes) — accept and respects the patient, cares about the patient’s welfare
* Not there to provide the patient with all the care and affection he has always wanted but never had
* The only purpose of exploring the past is to gain insight into current feeling and actions, so they are free to restructure, therapy is inclined towards self-healing
* Not passive — attentive, sensitively response and recognize that there are times the therapist should take initiative instead of the patient
* When patient talk about everything except his thoughts and feelings about people — necessary to draw his attention to his avoidance of this area, and the mistrust of the therapist — ask for more details or raise questions about situations of childhood that the patient has and think about how this fits into what the patient has been describing and how they fit into problems the patient is suffering from
* A problem can be the patient describes what a terrible time he had but there’s no progress made — possible the patient is worried the therapist does not believe what he says — a therapist can help patient understand he believes
* A problem can also be a story can be told and retold in cynical way with no show of feeling — this is not right — the therapist need to help uncover the feelings, they can express all possible feelings verbally, then the patient would feel safe to do so — “all the grief and the tears she had always felt but never dare express) — failure to express emotion is mainly due to unconscious fear that the emotion would lead to a dreaded outcome (anger that leads to punishment, a tearful appeal for comfort and help lead to rejection and humiliation) — these patients often assume therapist will be intolerant to anger and tears
* ———
* Issue with therapy
* Issue: patient might problem in a way to avoid rejection, criticism, or humiliation (i.e. not completely honest); some are aware of this and some are not. Therapist should be able to catch signs of distrust and evasion — avoidance patients has a tendency to be emotionally self-contained and insulated against intimate contact with other people, even when they start therapy they keep the therapist at a distance — and will talk about anything BUT emotionally charged relationships (past or present), or say that they have nothing to talk about (i.e. might look very honest and open but really they are not because they are not talking about something that really bothers them. To treat a deeply distrustful person, therapist should hav prolonged, quiet, and friendly patience — these type of patients have been subjected to prolonged rejection as a child when they asked for comfort or help, and are terrified to receive something similar again.
* Issue: patient worries that therapist try to trap him so that the situation benefits the therapist — these type of patient were subject to being a caretaker for their parents as a child OR patient treat therapist like a parent and direct negative emotion; in these cases therapist should help patient understand that present resentment/fear/anxiety stems from past mistreatment at the hands of others and treatment, continue to hold battle is not productive, and the unhappy past can never be changed
* Issue: false idealization of therapist to be a perfect parent they never had
* ———
* Attachment model is not here to blame the parents (i.e how they threat their parent is a major cause of mental ill-health; therapist should avoid moral judgment and encourage the patient to consider how and why the parent might have acted the way they did — this way patient can gain understanding of how things have developed and move on to forgiveness and reconciliation. Also to gain insight into how and why family life has developed and now to help improve it
* Example pathogenic situations (help to inform origin of anxiety, anger, and guilt)
* Systematic threats to not love a child used as a mean of control
* What: not provide affection or comfort when child is upset, frightened, or distressed; not provide help or encouragement in other times
* Result: patient intensely anxious to please and guilt prone
* Threats to abandon a child
* What: physically disappear or make up story about how child will be removed from home
* Result: separation anxiety
* Threats to commit suicide
* What: threats to commit suicide or other appalling things in distress situation, either to another parent or directed at the child; then after situation is done they claim they never had said such things
* Result: terror
* Disclaimer and disconfirmations
* What: parent disconfirm what a child has seen or heard
* Result: patient is uncertain whether something had happened and end up being guilty about making things up (therapist should weight evidence and ask probing questions, and unless there’s evidence or the patient is a pathological liar, accept patient’s story as a reasonable approximation to the truth. The reverse of empathy is to question the patient constantly.
* Others examples:
* Child is unwanted
* Child is the wrong sex for their family
* Child is made as the family scapegoat (family tragedy is always attributed to him)
* Parent use guilt-inducing techniques to control a child (you did xyz so now my stomach and heart hurts)
* Parent make the child her attachment figure by discouraging exploration and from believing he will never make it on his own
* Child is a target of serious physical abuse from parent or step parent
* ———
* ———
* In order for therapy to be effective — patient not only talks about memories, ideas, dreams, hopes, and desires, but also express his feelings (help a cynical and frozen person to discover the depth of her feeling and express them freely).
* The most important thing between two people is emotional communication — how each feels toward the other — therapy should help enable this by uncovering and restructuring unhealthy mental model that prevents this from happening in the patient’s life
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 14, 2016
Bowlby presented his theory very convincingly in this book. This is the book that has opened my eyes about what makes a good theory and how to build a strong scientific argument. I've already heard and read about attachment theory written by others during my undergraduate study, but it was only after reading this book do i have a clear idea of what attachment really is. I think the way Bowlby approaches the whole issue of attachment and frame his theory can be regarded as the early form of what later i know as evolutionary psychology. Great read!
July 25, 2025
This is not a book for the general public, by no means, and for someone who preeches on about how this topic is neglected, Bowlby could have done better job at adapting this text, so it is easier to digest.
And I know, I know, he wrote other books, but I see people going for this book to learn more about thr attachment theory, when in reality, this book is meta-analysis of the broad field of psychoanalysis, attachments and personality development. It is more of a hystory of the work that leads to the attachment theory.
It took me 4 months to read it, it was quite a challenge. 😁
And I know, I know, he wrote other books, but I see people going for this book to learn more about thr attachment theory, when in reality, this book is meta-analysis of the broad field of psychoanalysis, attachments and personality development. It is more of a hystory of the work that leads to the attachment theory.
It took me 4 months to read it, it was quite a challenge. 😁
August 23, 2022
I read because a psychiatrist recommended it in order to better understand attachment. It is very medical, but does address the significance of having healthy attachment in the first year....basically explaining the destructive nature of poor parenting and adoption. A bit disheartening, but gives hope for important parenting practices to build a healthy relationship.
January 25, 2016
This book should be required reading for expecting new parents! If everyone could only understand what the alternatives to stable attachment are, a lifetime of suffering, surely the world could be transformed!
October 3, 2020
I read this from a layman’s perspective, but as a lot of it was directed specifically toward therapists, I felt like a lot of it didn’t really apply to me. But I was able to glean some interesting and pertinent information from it.
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April 2, 2022Невероятна книга! Препоръчвам я на всеки колега - психолог и психотерапевт, независимо дали се интересува от развитийна психология или не. Също ще бъде много полезна и на широката публика, тъй като не е натоварена с много професионален жаргон.
September 16, 2009
Excellent and well written. Allows an understanding of pervasive psychological issues affecting everyone in one way or another. Recommended for anyone who was or plans to have a child.
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January 8, 2017Gari, ar atkārtošanos (par to ir brīdinājums ievadā - šī grāmata ir lekciju apkopojums), taču sniedz pietiekami daudz informācijas par piesaistes teorijas rašanās vēsturi un pamatiem.
April 14, 2019
This was a good book on the development of attachment theory as well as it’s evolution. I admit it was not easy to read but my favorite lectures were the last few ones.
November 2, 2020
Classic work by a genius.
May 15, 2021
Cărțile lui Bowlby sunt un must-read pentru specialiștii din domeniul sănătății mentale, iar eu recomand cartea și celor pasionați de psihologie, dar și părinților.
October 14, 2024
Turns out it’s mummy issues!
July 3, 2025
This book is definitely of it's time. It's good for understanding the history of John Bowlby and the beginnings of attachment theory.
It also has a number of what would now be considered red flags including statements that secure attachment can only be achieved through a two parent household which consists of a father and mother. Or that parenting is not possible for a single parent and requires additional females to achieve, which is seen all over the world. This ignores cultures where father's don't parent their own children, but their sister's children such as in various Native American tribes. It doesn't account for LGBTQ+ families, single fathers, or polyamorous polycules.
This is not the fault of the author, as these things were not studied or even well known at the time these speeches were written. However reading the assertions here which state only heteronormative parenting can create healthy, not mentally struggling adults, and single parenting is only for woman and damaging to the child, can be a bit much if you aren't prepared.
It also has a number of what would now be considered red flags including statements that secure attachment can only be achieved through a two parent household which consists of a father and mother. Or that parenting is not possible for a single parent and requires additional females to achieve, which is seen all over the world. This ignores cultures where father's don't parent their own children, but their sister's children such as in various Native American tribes. It doesn't account for LGBTQ+ families, single fathers, or polyamorous polycules.
This is not the fault of the author, as these things were not studied or even well known at the time these speeches were written. However reading the assertions here which state only heteronormative parenting can create healthy, not mentally struggling adults, and single parenting is only for woman and damaging to the child, can be a bit much if you aren't prepared.
March 30, 2024
Adatto a chi ha già familiarità con la teoria dell'attaccamento, dato che non si sofferma a lungo nello spiegare le informazioni di base. Molto interessante leggere delle posizioni e degli atteggiamenti verso questa teoria alla sua nascita, e dell'evoluzione della concezione dello sviluppo della personalità e dei relativi approcci terapeutici in corso d'opera.
Particolarmente interessanti gli approfondimenti dei capitoli V (La violenza nella famiglia) e VI (Sul sapere ciò che si suppone non si debba sapere), che mettono l'accento sull'impatto che forme più subdole di violenza di quelle comunemente accettate come tali – quella fisica e quella sessuale – hanno sullo sviluppo del bambino e del futuro adulto.
Particolarmente interessanti gli approfondimenti dei capitoli V (La violenza nella famiglia) e VI (Sul sapere ciò che si suppone non si debba sapere), che mettono l'accento sull'impatto che forme più subdole di violenza di quelle comunemente accettate come tali – quella fisica e quella sessuale – hanno sullo sviluppo del bambino e del futuro adulto.
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