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To Love What Is: A Marriage Transformed
One day it the dreaded event that will change your life forever. For Alix Kates Shulman, it happened in a remote seaside cabin on a coastal Maine island―where the very isolation that makes for a perfect artist's retreat can also put life at risk. Shulman woke to find that her beloved husband had fallen the nine feet from their sleeping loft and was lying on the floor below, deathly still. Though Scott would survive, he suffered an injury that left him seriously brain impaired. He was the same―but not the same.
In this elegant memoir, Shulman describes the ongoing anxieties and risks―and surprising rewards―she experiences as she reorganizes her world to care for her husband and discovers that what might have seemed a life sentence to some has evolved into something unexpectedly rich.
In this elegant memoir, Shulman describes the ongoing anxieties and risks―and surprising rewards―she experiences as she reorganizes her world to care for her husband and discovers that what might have seemed a life sentence to some has evolved into something unexpectedly rich.
192 pages, Paperback
First published September 16, 2008
About the author
Alix Kates Shulman
27 books62 followersRaised in Cleveland, Ohio, Alix attended public schools and planned to be a lawyer like her dad. But in college at Case Western Reserve University she was smitten by philosophy and upon graduation moved to New York City to study philosophy at Columbia grad school. After some years as an encyclopedia editor, she enrolled at New York University, where she took a degree in mathematics, and later, while raising two children, an MA in Humanities.
She became a civil rights activist in 1961 and a feminist activist in 1967, published her first book in 1970, and taught her first class in 1973--all lifelong pursuits that have found their way into her books.
Having explored in her novels the challenges of youth and midlife, in her memoirs she has probed the later stages in the ongoing drama of her generation of women, taking on the terrors and rewards of solitude, of her parents' final years, and of her late-life calling as caregiver to her beloved husband, with whom she lives in New York City.
She became a civil rights activist in 1961 and a feminist activist in 1967, published her first book in 1970, and taught her first class in 1973--all lifelong pursuits that have found their way into her books.
Having explored in her novels the challenges of youth and midlife, in her memoirs she has probed the later stages in the ongoing drama of her generation of women, taking on the terrors and rewards of solitude, of her parents' final years, and of her late-life calling as caregiver to her beloved husband, with whom she lives in New York City.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 44 reviews
October 9, 2008
I was composing a negative review even as I was reading this book because throughout the book, really until the last chapter, I did not like the author. Not as a writer--as a writer, she is actually superb. The prose are lyrical, intelligent and descripitve. But I do not like her as a person. It appears to me even though she's a mother of two grown children, she still managed to live her entire life shockingly self absorbed and selfishly. That is until her husband had an accident that resulted in a traumatic brain injury. She waxes on about her "independence" which to me sounded only like absolute self indulgence and selfishness. Only after her husband had his accident was she able to actually HELP someone else, care for someone else, think about someone else's feelings and needs.
And many (many!) of her friends were telling her to put her husband into a nursing home after the accident. Even though he was still rather high functioning, begging her not to, and the love of her life. What kind of people does the author associate with?!? Oh, more selfish, self absorbed, petty people.
All that being said, like the author as a person or not, the book is a wonderful view into the life of someone with a traumatic brain injury. And the last chapter of this book is absolute perfection. She presents the concept of amor fati from Nietzsche. The entire chapter is beautifully written and absolutely inspiring.
Quote from the book (final chapter): ...amor fati...meaning "'love your fate', which is in fact your life"--he [Nietzsche] wasn't suggesting that you love only the pleasant parts. He himself was suffering extreme physical pain at the time. No, to embrace life fully meant to him to accept life's inevitable limitations without hiding from them, no matter what fate had in store. "Amor fati," he said, is "not merely to endure necessity, still less to deny it..but to love it." Not a passive resignation, but an active embrace...amor fati! Love your fate. Love what is.
And many (many!) of her friends were telling her to put her husband into a nursing home after the accident. Even though he was still rather high functioning, begging her not to, and the love of her life. What kind of people does the author associate with?!? Oh, more selfish, self absorbed, petty people.
All that being said, like the author as a person or not, the book is a wonderful view into the life of someone with a traumatic brain injury. And the last chapter of this book is absolute perfection. She presents the concept of amor fati from Nietzsche. The entire chapter is beautifully written and absolutely inspiring.
Quote from the book (final chapter): ...amor fati...meaning "'love your fate', which is in fact your life"--he [Nietzsche] wasn't suggesting that you love only the pleasant parts. He himself was suffering extreme physical pain at the time. No, to embrace life fully meant to him to accept life's inevitable limitations without hiding from them, no matter what fate had in store. "Amor fati," he said, is "not merely to endure necessity, still less to deny it..but to love it." Not a passive resignation, but an active embrace...amor fati! Love your fate. Love what is.
December 23, 2008
moving description of life with the author's husband after he suffers a traumatic brain injury by falling out of a loft bed in their summer home. She deftly weaves in stories of their earlier life together, which are interesting in their own right (after a college romance they were apart, each married to others, for 34 years before reconnecting--she obviously is a writer, and he played basketball at Duke before a successful business career and then a second one as a sculptor), but the main focus is on her years of caregiving.
Doesn't hide the disappointments, difficulties, and sheer relentlessness of her life. Like looking after a baby in terms of the need for constant vigilance, but without the continuous growth and development, without having chosen the situation, without being young-ish yourself, without the naps to give you a break, and instead with the ability to ask the same nonsensical questions over and over, to get agitated and express it verbally, to wander off and get lost, etc. etc. etc.
The author was very creative about working out arrangements to get some help, and her profound love for her husband shines through. Reading this made me appreciate all over again what my father did for my Mom when she developed Alzheimer's. Sooner or later many of us end up in such a situation, but whether or not it has touched your family personally this book will make an impact. Excellent read.
Doesn't hide the disappointments, difficulties, and sheer relentlessness of her life. Like looking after a baby in terms of the need for constant vigilance, but without the continuous growth and development, without having chosen the situation, without being young-ish yourself, without the naps to give you a break, and instead with the ability to ask the same nonsensical questions over and over, to get agitated and express it verbally, to wander off and get lost, etc. etc. etc.
The author was very creative about working out arrangements to get some help, and her profound love for her husband shines through. Reading this made me appreciate all over again what my father did for my Mom when she developed Alzheimer's. Sooner or later many of us end up in such a situation, but whether or not it has touched your family personally this book will make an impact. Excellent read.
October 6, 2008
To Love What Is is a wonderfully written memoir of Alix Shulman's experience caring for her husband Scott after he fell and suffered a traumatic brain injury. She intersperses this story with the story of how they met and eventually got married. Alix goes through every range of emotions in her journey to help her husband heal. Even when it becomes clear that he may never fully recover to the man he was before the accident, her love and desire to care for him never waivers. She does occasionally have doubts, but she continues to look at the good aspects of their relationship, not what is missing. In such a throw-away society I think a story like this is refreshing to read. Also, as a married person, I would like to think I would care for my husband, or he would care for me, in the same way. A wonderful, uplifting story!
September 8, 2009
Alix Kates Shulman, feminist, activist, and writer, lucidly shares the elastic tension between devotion and indpendence, a tension which becomes oh-so-taut after her husband's accident leaving him with a traumatic brain injury. Her acclaim of devotion, surprising to her, arises not out of sentimentality or some inherited ideology, but both a deep love and a way of living her true life. To Love What Is, to live one's fate, amor fati, becomes her way of fulfilling her work, of living both of the heart and the intellect.
Shulman does not skip the difficult, the despair, the pit, but shares them all in her story. Embracing and loving all of what is in her life is what saves her. This is a wonderful book for anyone living with a partner with chronic illness, particularly those grieving over their own and their spouse's loss of independence.
Shulman does not skip the difficult, the despair, the pit, but shares them all in her story. Embracing and loving all of what is in her life is what saves her. This is a wonderful book for anyone living with a partner with chronic illness, particularly those grieving over their own and their spouse's loss of independence.
April 21, 2017
No matter how much people know that things could happen unexpectedly to someone close that will change their lives forever, they don’t believe it will ever happen to them. Until it does. How debilitating that change is to the injured person and how both people, as well as others involved, depends a great deal on how they are able to respond. In the case of Alix Kates Shulman and her husband, Scott York their love, determination, and dedication were their guideposts.
Both Alix and Scott and went to the same high school although he was three years ahead of her. They were in the same biology class one semester and, though she thought of him often, they didn’t meet again until years later when they attended the same college. After dating for awhile, they went their separate ways. Thirty four years later, they met again. This time they married and had a wonderful marriage.
In TO LOVE WHAT IS, seventy-five-year-old Scott fell nine feet from their sleeping loft and sustained a traumatic brain injury (TBI). After the accident, like many people, much of what Shulman heard from the doctors was colored by what she wanted to hear, to give her hope. The doctor’s warning that anything could happen with his recovery and it might take a long time, didn’t penetrate. She was sure he would have a complete recovery and be the same person he was before the fall. That didn’t happen. Her interpretation of what she was seeing and hearing from him often differed from what his therapists saw and heard. They were looking for different things.
Even after accepting his impairment as permanent, she still hoped life would return to normal and forget that their lives were are the new normal.” They had to work with what they had and learn how to cope with their new reality.“The worse things go for him, the greater my resolve to make them better.” .
He became more childlike, wanting constant attention and becoming frustrated and angry when he couldn’t do or get what he wanted. Unlike a child, however, his situation would not improve over time. In fact, it would diminish. Like many people with brain injuries or illnesses, he was unaware of the changes and lived contentedly in the present moment most of the time particularly when he had constant companionship. “He rejects unhappiness and counterproductive. To both of us, action and accommodation are always preferable to passivity or despair, which can only prolong the pain. If all else fails, we’ll use our tragedy for making art.”
Interspersed with the story of how life changed for both Alix and Scott is the story of their lives over the year. It is the memories of these happier times that enable Alix to put their current situation in perspective and find help and comfort in the past.
TO LOVE WHAT IS is a love story as well as a guide to facing and dealing with a traumatic, life-changing event. Well-written and honest, Shulman tells how reality can be flexible depending on perception and how a positive attitude and wonderful memories can make the journey a bit easier.
Both Alix and Scott and went to the same high school although he was three years ahead of her. They were in the same biology class one semester and, though she thought of him often, they didn’t meet again until years later when they attended the same college. After dating for awhile, they went their separate ways. Thirty four years later, they met again. This time they married and had a wonderful marriage.
In TO LOVE WHAT IS, seventy-five-year-old Scott fell nine feet from their sleeping loft and sustained a traumatic brain injury (TBI). After the accident, like many people, much of what Shulman heard from the doctors was colored by what she wanted to hear, to give her hope. The doctor’s warning that anything could happen with his recovery and it might take a long time, didn’t penetrate. She was sure he would have a complete recovery and be the same person he was before the fall. That didn’t happen. Her interpretation of what she was seeing and hearing from him often differed from what his therapists saw and heard. They were looking for different things.
Even after accepting his impairment as permanent, she still hoped life would return to normal and forget that their lives were are the new normal.” They had to work with what they had and learn how to cope with their new reality.“The worse things go for him, the greater my resolve to make them better.” .
He became more childlike, wanting constant attention and becoming frustrated and angry when he couldn’t do or get what he wanted. Unlike a child, however, his situation would not improve over time. In fact, it would diminish. Like many people with brain injuries or illnesses, he was unaware of the changes and lived contentedly in the present moment most of the time particularly when he had constant companionship. “He rejects unhappiness and counterproductive. To both of us, action and accommodation are always preferable to passivity or despair, which can only prolong the pain. If all else fails, we’ll use our tragedy for making art.”
Interspersed with the story of how life changed for both Alix and Scott is the story of their lives over the year. It is the memories of these happier times that enable Alix to put their current situation in perspective and find help and comfort in the past.
TO LOVE WHAT IS is a love story as well as a guide to facing and dealing with a traumatic, life-changing event. Well-written and honest, Shulman tells how reality can be flexible depending on perception and how a positive attitude and wonderful memories can make the journey a bit easier.
January 11, 2009
2 a.m. When you are young, this is the time that bars close, new love springs unbidden in doorways, and entire dramas are played out in the time it takes a traffic light to change. When you are older, with marriage and children under your belt, it is the hour at which a ringing phone wakes you in terror, not annoyance; when a voice in the darkness signals illness, not invitation; when awakening in a strangely empty bed, one will know that something has gone awfully wrong with the person whose warmth still lingers in the covers. It is that hour which opens To Love What Is.
At 2 a.m. Alix awakens and realizes her husband is no longer in bed with her. Instead, he is on the floor some nine feet below their loft bed, utterly still and grievously injured. While this would be sufficient trauma to begin any proper memoir, we are then informed that Alix’s husband is seventy-five years old, and no ambulance is cutting a wailing path to his aid. Their seaside cabin was chosen for the very qualities which now jeopardize her husband’s life: no running water, no electricity, no neighbors for miles, and a road that is cut off by the tide. Alix’s husband Scott survives, but is irrevocably changed by the traumatic brain injury he sustains in the fall.
The story evolves as we see Scott’s physical injuries resolve while his mental condition does not improve. Scott recovers enough to leave the institutionalized world of hospital care, but is in no way mentally capable to resume his former life as an artist. The accident changes the course of two lives; as Scott is enveloped in a mental twilight, his wife is left to become his caretaker, his guide, his translator, and his advocate.
The poignant center to this book is a decision. Alix Kates Shulman, an accomplished writer and avowed feminist, was accustomed to her independence. She was used to having time on her own, a place to write, a life separate from that shared with her husband. Indeed, her marriage was founded on the preservation of these ideas. As it becomes clear that her husband’s mind will never fully recover, that he will need her constant care for the balance of his life, Alix’s friends advise her to place him into attended care, to continue her life alone for the sake of her art. Alix’s choice is not made lightly, nor does her decision resolve the issues at hand. She chooses love and honors her vow of commitment to her husband, all the while trying valiantly to hold on to her sense of self. She does not allow the role of caretaker to subsume her; instead, she remakes the role to fit her.
When she cannot make enough time to write alone, she begins to write about the ordeal of caretaking and, in doing so, finds a way to reconnect with her husband. In Scott’s lucid moments, she reads him the passages she has completed, and their shared memories form a dialogue running throughout. We see the couple as college students in the first blush of love, see them separated by circumstance, and see them come together again decades later, marrying only after each has lived a life apart.
It is the choice that faced Shulman that resonates with me. How many of us, when embarking on a committed relationship, have not contemplated those same presumably far away what-ifs? Richer, poorer, sickness, health… questions we hope not to have to answer before death does part us. When pressed, how far would our vows carry us? Alix rises to the challenge, caring for her husband while tending to herself, and maintaining her voice throughout. We see the darkest hours, when Alix fears the husband she knew has been lost forever, and the beautiful hours when he emerges from the shadows of his mind and enlivens the page, showing us the person Alix treasures.
As the book moves backward and forward in time, we fall in love with Scott just as Alix did, and we see in the end that there was never a choice to be made, only a new twist in the path to be navigated. The book closes not with Scott’s demise, as I had feared, but simply with the couple looking into the future (albeit one reshaped as neither could have expected), with their love altered, but not diminished.
I read this book straight through, morbidly convinced that nothing would come out well in the end. I feared along with Alix that the husband she knew was gone forever as surely as he sat breathing before her, and I cheered when she found ways to connect with him again after all. This book was oddly comforting, showing that even if the worst thing imaginable does occur, there can still be joy, laughter, and as Scott terms it, fucky-fucky. I loved this book and would not hesitate to recommend it to anyone, married or not.
Review by Melissa Ruiz
At 2 a.m. Alix awakens and realizes her husband is no longer in bed with her. Instead, he is on the floor some nine feet below their loft bed, utterly still and grievously injured. While this would be sufficient trauma to begin any proper memoir, we are then informed that Alix’s husband is seventy-five years old, and no ambulance is cutting a wailing path to his aid. Their seaside cabin was chosen for the very qualities which now jeopardize her husband’s life: no running water, no electricity, no neighbors for miles, and a road that is cut off by the tide. Alix’s husband Scott survives, but is irrevocably changed by the traumatic brain injury he sustains in the fall.
The story evolves as we see Scott’s physical injuries resolve while his mental condition does not improve. Scott recovers enough to leave the institutionalized world of hospital care, but is in no way mentally capable to resume his former life as an artist. The accident changes the course of two lives; as Scott is enveloped in a mental twilight, his wife is left to become his caretaker, his guide, his translator, and his advocate.
The poignant center to this book is a decision. Alix Kates Shulman, an accomplished writer and avowed feminist, was accustomed to her independence. She was used to having time on her own, a place to write, a life separate from that shared with her husband. Indeed, her marriage was founded on the preservation of these ideas. As it becomes clear that her husband’s mind will never fully recover, that he will need her constant care for the balance of his life, Alix’s friends advise her to place him into attended care, to continue her life alone for the sake of her art. Alix’s choice is not made lightly, nor does her decision resolve the issues at hand. She chooses love and honors her vow of commitment to her husband, all the while trying valiantly to hold on to her sense of self. She does not allow the role of caretaker to subsume her; instead, she remakes the role to fit her.
When she cannot make enough time to write alone, she begins to write about the ordeal of caretaking and, in doing so, finds a way to reconnect with her husband. In Scott’s lucid moments, she reads him the passages she has completed, and their shared memories form a dialogue running throughout. We see the couple as college students in the first blush of love, see them separated by circumstance, and see them come together again decades later, marrying only after each has lived a life apart.
It is the choice that faced Shulman that resonates with me. How many of us, when embarking on a committed relationship, have not contemplated those same presumably far away what-ifs? Richer, poorer, sickness, health… questions we hope not to have to answer before death does part us. When pressed, how far would our vows carry us? Alix rises to the challenge, caring for her husband while tending to herself, and maintaining her voice throughout. We see the darkest hours, when Alix fears the husband she knew has been lost forever, and the beautiful hours when he emerges from the shadows of his mind and enlivens the page, showing us the person Alix treasures.
As the book moves backward and forward in time, we fall in love with Scott just as Alix did, and we see in the end that there was never a choice to be made, only a new twist in the path to be navigated. The book closes not with Scott’s demise, as I had feared, but simply with the couple looking into the future (albeit one reshaped as neither could have expected), with their love altered, but not diminished.
I read this book straight through, morbidly convinced that nothing would come out well in the end. I feared along with Alix that the husband she knew was gone forever as surely as he sat breathing before her, and I cheered when she found ways to connect with him again after all. This book was oddly comforting, showing that even if the worst thing imaginable does occur, there can still be joy, laughter, and as Scott terms it, fucky-fucky. I loved this book and would not hesitate to recommend it to anyone, married or not.
Review by Melissa Ruiz
October 5, 2008
"First mistake - to have taken the bus instead of flying. By the time we reached the island, it was already late afternoon." Alix Shulman tells the story of her husband's near fatal fall from their beach loft on a remote island off Maine. They are in their 70's, but have lived exciting and independent lives, so her whole world is upside down as she navigates medical care and the devastating world of brain injury. She flashes back to their courtship and early marriage throughout and their individual characters and married love are astonishing. He is the ultimate gentleman, even in dementia, and she is a regal woman of vast talent. The endurance of their love shocks even their closest friends and is a love story that I can only sit in awe of. "Sometimes I try to imagine other outcomes of that accident: This thought alternately inspires and torments me. No more daily bondage, no more unrelenting responsibility. But at the same time, no ballast, no purpose, no love. Which would I be, light as the air or heavy as a gravestone? Giddily free or unbearably bereft? Forget it - he's alive, he is mine, and I am his."
October 25, 2008
Shulman's seventy-five-year-old husband sustains a traumatic brain injury when he falls nine feet from their sleeping loft in a remote cabin in Maine. This memoir begins on the day of that event, which proves to be the beginning of the author and her husband's transformed lives.
Shulman writes in beautiful prose, balancing raw emotion with tender, loving, resilient moments. The wisdom of this book could be useful to anyone striving to reconcile challenges in their own close personal relationships.
Shulman writes in beautiful prose, balancing raw emotion with tender, loving, resilient moments. The wisdom of this book could be useful to anyone striving to reconcile challenges in their own close personal relationships.
September 8, 2009
This is a slim volume, beautifully written: a book all at once utterly horrifying and supremely hopeful. Feminist writer and activist Alix Kates Shulman details "a marriage transformed" when, in 2004, the love of her life -- the vigorous and vivacious 75-year-old Scott York -- falls nine feet in the middle of the night from the loft bed at their remote get-away home on the coast of Maine. It is honest, harrowing, humorous, and ultimately transformative in itself as a memoir of sudden disability and dependence.
March 12, 2010
For the most part I really liked this book, but I only gave it three stars because I found it a little dispassionate. Not that the author wasn't honest about her difficulties handling a husband who is suddenly brain-damaged, but the account is somewhat journalistic. I would have liked more raw emotion, I guess. I was left thinking, "I wonder what that would be like?" instead of "Now I know what that's like." Still I recommend it if only for the information about traumatic brain injury and the problems of being a caretaker for someone with TBI.
January 3, 2009
What a moving book -- a true story beautifully told! In it the author's 75-year-old husband falls and sustains traumatic brain injury, leading to a dramatically changed life for both of them. The author goes back and forth between the history of their relationship (very romantic story) and the present day. I can't tell you what a wonderful book this is.... Please read it!
September 23, 2009
Maybe the BEST book I ever read. This one blew me away. What an incredible story of devotion and challenge in a relationship, and she tells it beautifully. Every woman should read this book! Warning: It makes you ponder age and fragility.
March 15, 2009
A lovely memoir about this author and how she dealth with living with her invalid husband. A truly wonderful love story, but not sappy.
July 1, 2009
Beautiful, stunning, and devastating book about living with her husband of twenty years after a debilitating fall left him with memory damage and other traumas.
October 19, 2009
Read this before you get married and then decide if you could go through a traumatic brain injury! It was a remarkable story!
January 28, 2017
Very inspiring story of a woman whose husband falls nine feet and has head injuries. Extreme dementia ensues and this is the story of her journey through loss.
June 14, 2022
This is A quiet peaceful ode to the author’s husband, Scott York, in the form of a memoir. Alix Shulman and Scott York rediscovered their childhood attraction to each other and married in 1989; he was by then an artist and she a well known feminist and writer. On July 22, 2004, Scott fell in their island cottage and sustained permanent brain damage and their relationship shifted to a new level of love, appreciation, frustration and devotion. This is their love story and an exploration of what it means to care for someone you love who is no longer the independent person you married. Scott needed 24/7 care, and loved being with Alix. Together they found ways to embrace the life they still had together while also somehow, and with some creative Scott Watchers and friends, find time to be separate and free, too. To Love What Is is truly a love story, to love the person who is, not the person you wish for. And together, Scott and Alix did this, one day at a time, for the last 10 years of their life together
August 5, 2018
Just finished re-reading Shulman's memoir Drinking the Rain and immediately wanted to continue reading about her life, so I re-read this one too. Drinking the Rain details how her life changed in her fifties, while this memoir describes her life twenty years later after her beloved husband suffers a traumatic brain injury in a fall. I am always fascinated by an intimate look at people's lives and relationships, and Shulman's writing is candid and thoughtful. She describes trying to live Nietzsche's idea of amor fati, to love your fate (whatever it may be). I studied Nietzsche in college and don't remember this specific idea, but it speaks to me vividly now that life has taken a toll.
January 2, 2023
Beautiful story of the definition of love by a talented writer. Has made me ponder how any of us would respond in her situation and how seriously we take ‘for better or worse, sickness and in health’.
February 10, 2020
Heartbreaking and lovely, Shulman's memoir traces the years following her husband's accident and subsequent TBI. The opening quote by Grace Paley, (It's all life until death) sums it up beautifully.
October 16, 2026
To Love What Is: A Marriage Transformed is an unflinching look at power dynamics where Alix Kates Shulman shows that those who write the rules are always the first to exempt themselves.
September 11, 2008
The memoir of a writer whose husband falls from a great height and suffers a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury)...and how this event changes their lives,and their sense of who they are as individuals and as a couple. She has always needed her alone time, and he has always respected that, even after he retired. Now he can not allow her out of his sight and forgets events as soon as they are past. She says that is good and bad. Bad that he doesn't remember things he learned yesterday, but good because he also doesn't remember when she was angry or frustrated with him yesterday.
She's a writer, so she tells their story eloquently. She often expresses her surprise that friends and acquaintances told her frequently that she should put him in a nursing home, that she could not sacrifice her freedom to take care of him, the love of her life. She was surprised by those feelings, because it did not occur to her to do anything other than take care of him, though she had to work out a system to survive that heavy responsibility. I get it. But still, I don't know if I could do it.
She's a writer, so she tells their story eloquently. She often expresses her surprise that friends and acquaintances told her frequently that she should put him in a nursing home, that she could not sacrifice her freedom to take care of him, the love of her life. She was surprised by those feelings, because it did not occur to her to do anything other than take care of him, though she had to work out a system to survive that heavy responsibility. I get it. But still, I don't know if I could do it.
November 30, 2015
Second marriages can be such a blessing. There is not enough time in any lifetime to be with that special someone, but second marriages have even less time. Scott and Alix have already lived through one serious heart episode that Scott suffered, but this time a fall from a loft causes lots more damage. Alix has to struggle with caring for him 24/7, trying to help his brain heal and work better after severe head trauma. Their daily life takes a huge change of direction for them both. But he’s not aware of all they’ve lost as he lives in the moment, but she lives with the loss, trying to maintain their standard of living, keep contact with friends and family, and having to watch out for him every minute, even in the bathroom. What happens to love when nothing else is the same? A great book. As we baby boomers gray and become the dreaded word, ‘elderly,’ it’s a whole new ballgame. Highly recommended. 10/10.
March 19, 2009
A grim and hopeful assessment of what we have to look forward to in old age. I think maybe I need to stop reading memoirs, because I find myself very critical of the assessment of the narrator's thoughts. And it doesn't feel right. I don't really want to be in the position of judging someone else's choices and views about themselves. It's a very awkward position to be in, and it's getting more awkward all the time for me. Nevertheless, this book held my attention. But like I say, I felt very squeamish reading Shulman's assessments of herself and her choice to give herself entirely to her husband's care. She eventually finds a way to give herself space. Withholding judgement was nearly impossible, but hopefully a very useful exercise for my life outdoors.
Read
September 3, 2009This is a quick but compelling read about an author who unexpectedly becomes a caretaker after her husband suffers a serious brain injury. Despite the subject matter, the book is uplifting and optimistic, bringing to light some interesting research on brain injuries and the overall level of contentedness of individuals who suffer from them and their caretakers (read: it isn't much different from the rest of us). The author’s voice is reflectively honest and poignant enough for readers to overlook her occasional feminist digressions, which can seem entitled. Overall, the book is lovely, and ideal for anyone empathetic with the intricacies of complex relationships—romantic or not.
May 5, 2009
This is the telling of a love story , after the male main character suffers a life altering fall and his wife ( the author ) decides to take on the role of his caregiver .
She reflects on thier past in comparision with the present , struggling with a longing for what was and attempting to accept what for now and always will be .
While a touching and thought provoking story , I found myself feeling as if this story had already been told and I had read it in "The Notebook" by Nicholas Sparks .
She reflects on thier past in comparision with the present , struggling with a longing for what was and attempting to accept what for now and always will be .
While a touching and thought provoking story , I found myself feeling as if this story had already been told and I had read it in "The Notebook" by Nicholas Sparks .
December 12, 2010
Read this. The memoir is Shulman's account of living with her husband after a brain injury severely damages his memory, but leaves other elements of his (delightful) self intact. It's loving and compassionate, but the writing is so graceful and precise that it never lapses into cliche or sentimentality. It's not an easy story, but it's an extremely insightful one. Shulman is wise, and her story is distressing but also fascinating, partly because you get the feeling that all of life fascinates her, the good and the painful. I want to read her novels now.
June 3, 2011
I did a lot of underlining regarding her observations on living with someone whose brain is not functioning. Although her husband's abilities far outstripped my mother, who is suffering from Alzheimer's, it was still provocative and I could relate to a lot of her internal struggles. I found myself skipping over her story of the pre-accident years with her husband, but that was probably more about my situation than her story.
September 14, 2010
I so much wanted to love this book, since I DID love Alix Kates Shulman's first memoir, Drinking the Rain. But it didn't quite do it for me; I enjoyed this book, was moved by it, learned quite a bit (specifically about traumatic brain injury), and I'm glad I read it. I guess I wanted it to be Drinking the Rain, and it wasn't...
January 18, 2013
E' un libro profondo, colto, ma mi ha generato malessere. Non per la tristezza dell'argomento, ma perché a volte non si ha voglia di domandarsi sul senso dell'amore. Sono cose forse che riempiono pagine di diari personali e le parole razionali non rendono l'idea. Ma forse l'ho solo letto in un momento sbagliato.
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