What do you think?
Rate this book
How to Say Goodbye
A USA TODAY Bestseller
“A poem to mortality and the beauty of how we can cope with it.”―Atul Gawande, author of Being Mortal
New York Times –bestselling artist Wendy MacNaughton shares wisdom from hospice how to be, when to help, what to say―with full-color drawings throughout.
As artist-in-residence at the Zen Hospice Project Guest House in San Francisco, Wendy MacNaughton witnessed firsthand how difficult it is to know what to do when we’re sharing final moments with a loved one. In this tenderly illustrated guide to saying goodbye, MacNaughton shows how to make sure those moments are meaningful. Using a framework of “the five things” taught to her by a professional caregiver, How to Say Goodbye provides a model for having conversations of love, respect, and with the words “I forgive you,” “Please forgive me,” “Thank you,” “I love you,” and “Goodbye,” each oriented toward finding mutual peace and understanding when it matters most.
With a foreword by renowned physician and author BJ Miller, and practical resources, How to Say Goodbye features MacNaughton’s drawn-from-life artwork from both the Zen Hospice Project Guest House and her own aunt’s bedside as she died, paired with gentle advice from hospice caregivers on creating a positive sensory experience, acknowledging what you can’t control, and sharing memories and gratitude. A poignant guide to embracing the present and deepening relationships during great vulnerability, How to Say Goodbye shows that just as there is no one right way to live a good life, there is no one right way to say goodbye. Whether we’re confused, scared, or uncertain, this book is a starting point.
“A poem to mortality and the beauty of how we can cope with it.”―Atul Gawande, author of Being Mortal
New York Times –bestselling artist Wendy MacNaughton shares wisdom from hospice how to be, when to help, what to say―with full-color drawings throughout.
As artist-in-residence at the Zen Hospice Project Guest House in San Francisco, Wendy MacNaughton witnessed firsthand how difficult it is to know what to do when we’re sharing final moments with a loved one. In this tenderly illustrated guide to saying goodbye, MacNaughton shows how to make sure those moments are meaningful. Using a framework of “the five things” taught to her by a professional caregiver, How to Say Goodbye provides a model for having conversations of love, respect, and with the words “I forgive you,” “Please forgive me,” “Thank you,” “I love you,” and “Goodbye,” each oriented toward finding mutual peace and understanding when it matters most.
With a foreword by renowned physician and author BJ Miller, and practical resources, How to Say Goodbye features MacNaughton’s drawn-from-life artwork from both the Zen Hospice Project Guest House and her own aunt’s bedside as she died, paired with gentle advice from hospice caregivers on creating a positive sensory experience, acknowledging what you can’t control, and sharing memories and gratitude. A poignant guide to embracing the present and deepening relationships during great vulnerability, How to Say Goodbye shows that just as there is no one right way to live a good life, there is no one right way to say goodbye. Whether we’re confused, scared, or uncertain, this book is a starting point.
128 pages, Hardcover
Published July 18, 2023
37 people are currently reading
5531 people want to read
About the author
Wendy MacNaughton
23 books96 followersWendy MacNaughton is an illustrator and a graphic journalist based in San Francisco. Her documentary series Meanwhile tells the stories of communities through drawings and the subject's own words, and is being published as an anthology by Chronicle Books in 2014. She's illustrated two other forthcoming books: Lost Cat: A True Story of Love, Desperation, and GPS Technology, by Caroline Paul and Wendy MacNaughton (Bloomsbury, 2013) and The Essential Scratch & Sniff Guide to Wine, by Richard Betts (Houghton Mifflin, 2013).
She has degrees in fine art/advertising and social work from Art Center College of Design and Columbia University. When they let her, she likes to talk with students at Art Center College of Design, and she is an artist in residence at Intersection for the Arts.
Source: wendymacnaughton.com.
She has degrees in fine art/advertising and social work from Art Center College of Design and Columbia University. When they let her, she likes to talk with students at Art Center College of Design, and she is an artist in residence at Intersection for the Arts.
Source: wendymacnaughton.com.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 116 reviews
June 24, 2023
Rating: 3.5
Illustrator and graphic journalist Wendy MacNaughton has a degree in social work and likes to “tell the stories of overlooked people and places.” Some time ago she visited a Zen hospice in San Francisco on a regular basis. Twice weekly for about a year, she talked to and drew pictures of the dying, their loved ones, and hospice caregivers. She then produced a small limited-edition book, containing the illustrations and the wisdom she’d collected. Copies were shared with those accompanying people in their last months, weeks, or days, and MacNaughton suggested that the books be passed on to others who might need them. Many found the book very helpful, and it’s now being more widely published.
This spare little text provides many illustrations of those at the end of life, their families, and hospice staff. Most of the drawings appear to be rendered in ink and wash, though there are a number of pencil sketches of MacNaughton’s Aunt Tildie as she neared the end. This is a very gentle and reassuring book. It contains few words, and it places no significant cognitive demands on the reader. As palliative care physician BJ Miller observes in the foreword, we all talk too much and place too much value on words. We think we can fix things. When someone is dying, we must accept the fact that we cannot. He and MacNaughton remind us about being present, attentive, and observant. They also point out that aesthetics, the environment around the dying person, can be very important. The author writes that one artist in the hospice had some of her works nearby. Many of MacNaughton’s drawings show plants or flowers, things of beauty, near the patients.
MacNaughton says we need to take the lead from the dying person, which I certainly believe to be true. At one point she suggests it is that person, not us, who is in charge, which I’m less sure about. I don’t think anyone really is. MacNaughton‘s central message is built around “The Five Things” that one needs to be able say to the dying person to experience a feeling of completeness: I forgive you; Please forgive me; Thank you; I love you; Goodbye. (These things can continue to be spoken to the person even after he or she is gone.) The author also says it’s okay to cry, which perhaps requires some qualification. A few years ago, author/palliative-care nurse/practising Buddhist Sallie Tisdale counselled in her book that it was important not to burden the dying person with one’s own distress and grief. I think that’s wise advice.
I do like the simplicity of this book. It presents the most basic points in ways that are easily absorbed at a stressful time. I don’t think it would’ve been a bad idea to add a couple of mindfulness practices—about breathing in a conscious way, for example—to help family and friends of the dying with their own afflictive emotions.
The text concludes with a list of related helpful books for adults and children, as well as some useful websites.
I thank the publisher and NetGalley for providing me with an advance reading copy.
Illustrator and graphic journalist Wendy MacNaughton has a degree in social work and likes to “tell the stories of overlooked people and places.” Some time ago she visited a Zen hospice in San Francisco on a regular basis. Twice weekly for about a year, she talked to and drew pictures of the dying, their loved ones, and hospice caregivers. She then produced a small limited-edition book, containing the illustrations and the wisdom she’d collected. Copies were shared with those accompanying people in their last months, weeks, or days, and MacNaughton suggested that the books be passed on to others who might need them. Many found the book very helpful, and it’s now being more widely published.
This spare little text provides many illustrations of those at the end of life, their families, and hospice staff. Most of the drawings appear to be rendered in ink and wash, though there are a number of pencil sketches of MacNaughton’s Aunt Tildie as she neared the end. This is a very gentle and reassuring book. It contains few words, and it places no significant cognitive demands on the reader. As palliative care physician BJ Miller observes in the foreword, we all talk too much and place too much value on words. We think we can fix things. When someone is dying, we must accept the fact that we cannot. He and MacNaughton remind us about being present, attentive, and observant. They also point out that aesthetics, the environment around the dying person, can be very important. The author writes that one artist in the hospice had some of her works nearby. Many of MacNaughton’s drawings show plants or flowers, things of beauty, near the patients.
MacNaughton says we need to take the lead from the dying person, which I certainly believe to be true. At one point she suggests it is that person, not us, who is in charge, which I’m less sure about. I don’t think anyone really is. MacNaughton‘s central message is built around “The Five Things” that one needs to be able say to the dying person to experience a feeling of completeness: I forgive you; Please forgive me; Thank you; I love you; Goodbye. (These things can continue to be spoken to the person even after he or she is gone.) The author also says it’s okay to cry, which perhaps requires some qualification. A few years ago, author/palliative-care nurse/practising Buddhist Sallie Tisdale counselled in her book that it was important not to burden the dying person with one’s own distress and grief. I think that’s wise advice.
I do like the simplicity of this book. It presents the most basic points in ways that are easily absorbed at a stressful time. I don’t think it would’ve been a bad idea to add a couple of mindfulness practices—about breathing in a conscious way, for example—to help family and friends of the dying with their own afflictive emotions.
The text concludes with a list of related helpful books for adults and children, as well as some useful websites.
I thank the publisher and NetGalley for providing me with an advance reading copy.
January 2, 2025
My review is going to be unpopular, probably. I hated hospice. When my mom was dying, we got the most inexperienced, overworked, and uncaring nurses. They didn't explain things particularly well, and I feel like they tricked me into giving my mom too much morphine at the end, which is ultimately what caused her to die that day. So this book being from the perspective of someone who thinks hospice is great was going to rub me the wrong way from the start. I know lots of people have had great hospice care, but obviously, my family was not among that group.
The other gripe I have about the book is that it simplifies complex human relationships into five sentences. Sorry, but while those five sentiments are lovely, those are also only available in an ideal situation in an ideal world.
This might work as an aid for someone in middle school, but a graphic novel does not help me face my grief. If anything, it makes me feel like it's being minimized.
The other gripe I have about the book is that it simplifies complex human relationships into five sentences. Sorry, but while those five sentiments are lovely, those are also only available in an ideal situation in an ideal world.
This might work as an aid for someone in middle school, but a graphic novel does not help me face my grief. If anything, it makes me feel like it's being minimized.
March 8, 2024
Needed this today, needed this two years ago, will need this undoubtedly in the future. One of NPR’s best books in 2023…very understandably. The drawings are beautifully raw and real. The message is perfection. The FOREWORD and INTRODUCTION provide the primary message(s) and the rest of the book is simple, heartbreaking, and to the point for anyone that has loved someone that has died. This little how-to book should be on every bookshelf!
January 25, 2024
A lovely and brief exploration of grief and the challenges at end of life. Simple, yet moving text, with lovely illustrations.
October 6, 2023
“Presence, after all, is not an intellectual exercise. It's a corporeal surrender. Attuning, if you like. What does your body tell does you your about what the body before you is doing? What soul know about the one playing at the edge of existence right in front of you? Can you stop trying to figure it out and just be it?”
December 27, 2023
I'm interested in the concept of hospice and the topic of death, but I just did not connect to the material in this book.
Perhaps because I read it too fast, since it is exceedingly short and brief. Perhaps because I was reading it off a list of best graphic novels of 2023 (see below), but it is hard for me to consider it a graphic novel since it is really a series of still life studies and portraits where the words printed on the page don't necessarily have a direct connection to the image. And the words are really matter-of-fact instructions, sort of pithy, sort of just there.
It's not bad, and it's kind of interesting, but it's too brief and shallow for me.
(Best of 2023 Project: I'm reading all the graphic novels that made it onto NPR's Books We Love 2023: Favorite Comics and Graphic Novels list.)
Perhaps because I read it too fast, since it is exceedingly short and brief. Perhaps because I was reading it off a list of best graphic novels of 2023 (see below), but it is hard for me to consider it a graphic novel since it is really a series of still life studies and portraits where the words printed on the page don't necessarily have a direct connection to the image. And the words are really matter-of-fact instructions, sort of pithy, sort of just there.
It's not bad, and it's kind of interesting, but it's too brief and shallow for me.
(Best of 2023 Project: I'm reading all the graphic novels that made it onto NPR's Books We Love 2023: Favorite Comics and Graphic Novels list.)
July 13, 2024
I think this would be the perfect book to have at your side during these moments. It's just a couple minutes to read and could help guide things you could do and could say when you're overwhelmed and at a loss.
August 30, 2023
Overall--very well done. The illustrations were emotionally powerful.
Read
December 6, 2023I loved the beautiful artwork in this. I want to get it as a resource in my current work, but would be nice for anyone walking alongside someone in their end of life journey.
March 6, 2024
A beautiful little book about helping your loved one through their last days in hospice.
April 21, 2024
Beautiful and tender.
October 8, 2023
I’ve been in awe of the Zen Hospice Center’s work ever since I came across BJ Miller’s Ted Talk. This delicate distillation lends a framework for approaching the (ineffable) inevitable with presence and open palms. Serves as accompaniment to a former prof’s work, “The Heart of the Hereafter: Love Stories from the End of Life”. Forever indebted to Marcia who taught me to look at “both sides of the tapestry” and hold death and life in equal reverence.
Excerpted from Miller’s gorgeous foreword—
“May this book be a portal—a way for us to move beyond the unwise territory of trying to “do it right” and into the transcendent terrain of noticing what we can notice, loving who we love, and letting death—like life—surprise us with its ineffable beauty.”
Excerpted from Miller’s gorgeous foreword—
“May this book be a portal—a way for us to move beyond the unwise territory of trying to “do it right” and into the transcendent terrain of noticing what we can notice, loving who we love, and letting death—like life—surprise us with its ineffable beauty.”
March 30, 2024
"May this book be a portal - a way for us to move beyond the unwise territory of trying to 'do it right' and into the transcendent terrain of noticing what we can notice, loving who we love, and letting death - like life - surprise us with its ineffable beauty."
March 14, 2024
It feels a bit silly to add such a brief book to my read books for the year, but I found this tiny volume so moving that I had to. I think it accomplishes exactly what it sets out to with its spare prose and peaceful watercolor illustrations. This is not THE book about death to have on your shelf, but it definitely has a place in a collection of books about death. If you have lived with someone through the hospice process, then you know that sometimes the comfort this book offers is exactly what you’re looking for.
December 27, 2023
Some of the same skills needed to draw or make good art are much like what’s needed to help accompany those in their final stages of life:
• Be wholly present.
• Take in all the sensory input you can to inform your work.
• Connect with your subject.
• Be yourself.
Wendy MacNaughton does all this with this small book with lovely sketches and advice capturing a year as a ‘graphic journalist’ and artist-in-residence at a San Francisco hospice.
A reassuring, gentle read.
• Be wholly present.
• Take in all the sensory input you can to inform your work.
• Connect with your subject.
• Be yourself.
Wendy MacNaughton does all this with this small book with lovely sketches and advice capturing a year as a ‘graphic journalist’ and artist-in-residence at a San Francisco hospice.
A reassuring, gentle read.
January 22, 2024
I wanted to read this book but I thought it was too morbid of me to request it from the library. But then I was sitting in the library reading a board book about grief for children, which I didn't find too morbid to request because it's my duty to read all board books, and when I got up this was sitting on the table right next to me.
August 11, 2023
my mom just went through this experience and i found this so beautiful and sweet! loved the illustrations so much. simple and short but very intriguing.
January 10, 2024
I wish this little book had come into my life before August 2023.
July 23, 2024
Simple steps to hopefully help you and your loved one at the end of their life.
September 4, 2023
The words and drawings brought me back to moments with my dad before he passed. Emotions came to the surface and memories were evoked.
January 19, 2024
Watercolor is the perfect medium for a book like this. Love her illustrations. A gorgeous short guide on losing somebody. Atul Gawande best describes this book as a "poem to mortality."
Favorite quote:
"Being the one at the bed side.
Sitting at the edge of another's horizon."
Favorite quote:
"Being the one at the bed side.
Sitting at the edge of another's horizon."
December 30, 2023
Presence. Paying attention. Forgiveness. Love. Goodbye.
Sitting in peace with the dying and with Death just around the corner.
Sitting in peace with the dying and with Death just around the corner.
March 9, 2024
Powerful very short book with illustrations that help you know what to say at the end of someone's life. There are really just 5 things:
1.) I forgive you
2.) Please forgive me
3.) Thank you
4.) I love you
5.) Goodbye
Written by someone who spent a lot of time in a hospice environment and really understands this important time. Only takes about 15 minutes to read, but will stay with you just the same.
1.) I forgive you
2.) Please forgive me
3.) Thank you
4.) I love you
5.) Goodbye
Written by someone who spent a lot of time in a hospice environment and really understands this important time. Only takes about 15 minutes to read, but will stay with you just the same.
December 11, 2023
A short, but thoughtful book about 5 things to do when someone is dying.
Read
February 18, 2025"It's very courageous to sit with someone while they're dying."
May 2, 2023
I'm so glad I found this book. Working as a chaplain, this is just the kind of thing I can use as well as give to other care-givers. It is simply and beautifully written with vivid illustrations. Encouraging and comforting. Highly recommended. Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC. #HowtoSayGoodbye #NetGalley
March 16, 2024
The artwork.💞
May 4, 2023
A former artist-in-residence at a hospice, MacNaughton distills the process of witnessing a loved one's end of life into a few elements we can direct--and encourages us to accept the beauty of the perfectly imperfect, inevitable, departure.
In How to Say Goodbye, Wendy MacNaughton, former artist-in-residence at a hospice in San Francisco, illustrates the words of kindness, thoughtful approaches, and wisdom she gained by spending time around hospice caregivers and the people relying upon them, the dying and their loved ones.
While acknowledging how much is out of our control regarding our loved ones' final moments, How to Say Goodbye shines a light on the things we can potentially shape--including sharing memories, expressing love, and offering forgiveness.
Focusing on respect, love, and closure, MacNaughton offers a guide to creating a path through the precious time leading up to death.
The circumstances may be complicated or fraught, or they may be heartbreaking yet straightforward, but How to Say Goodbye beautifully distills the title's process--of standing by, helping, embracing silence, and turning over the reins to the person who is passing away--into its essence.
MacNaughton's text feels like a poem and her illustrations offer brutal beauty and express their own lovely, heartbreaking, poetic message that embraces the perfection of imperfection and lack of control.
I received a prepublication copy of this slim, powerful, gorgeous book courtesy of Bloomsbury Publishing.
How to Say Goodbye is scheduled for publication July 18, 2023.
If this book is of interest to you, you might also be interested in the books on my Greedy Reading List Six Powerful Memoirs about Facing Mortality.
To see my full review on The Bossy Bookworm, or to find out about Bossy reviews and Greedy Reading Lists as soon as they're posted, please see How to Say Goodbye.
Find hundreds of reviews and lots of roundups of my favorite books on the blog: Bossy Bookworm
Follow me on Instagram! @bossybookwormblog
Or Facebook! The Bossy Bookworm
In How to Say Goodbye, Wendy MacNaughton, former artist-in-residence at a hospice in San Francisco, illustrates the words of kindness, thoughtful approaches, and wisdom she gained by spending time around hospice caregivers and the people relying upon them, the dying and their loved ones.
While acknowledging how much is out of our control regarding our loved ones' final moments, How to Say Goodbye shines a light on the things we can potentially shape--including sharing memories, expressing love, and offering forgiveness.
Focusing on respect, love, and closure, MacNaughton offers a guide to creating a path through the precious time leading up to death.
The circumstances may be complicated or fraught, or they may be heartbreaking yet straightforward, but How to Say Goodbye beautifully distills the title's process--of standing by, helping, embracing silence, and turning over the reins to the person who is passing away--into its essence.
MacNaughton's text feels like a poem and her illustrations offer brutal beauty and express their own lovely, heartbreaking, poetic message that embraces the perfection of imperfection and lack of control.
I received a prepublication copy of this slim, powerful, gorgeous book courtesy of Bloomsbury Publishing.
How to Say Goodbye is scheduled for publication July 18, 2023.
If this book is of interest to you, you might also be interested in the books on my Greedy Reading List Six Powerful Memoirs about Facing Mortality.
To see my full review on The Bossy Bookworm, or to find out about Bossy reviews and Greedy Reading Lists as soon as they're posted, please see How to Say Goodbye.
Find hundreds of reviews and lots of roundups of my favorite books on the blog: Bossy Bookworm
Follow me on Instagram! @bossybookwormblog
Or Facebook! The Bossy Bookworm
December 27, 2023
Artist Wendy MacNaughton was for a time the artist-in-residence at the Zen Hospice Project Guest House in San Francisco. She sketched residents and visitors there and asked visitors (family, friends) what it was they do while there and why. Of course, few know what to do when around the dying. I know because I was part of the hospice experience with my mother, with almost all of her sons and daughters present, a gift I see now. And I have been around a lot of death and dying by now. Initially MacNaughton self-published 200 copies of her book and asked people just to pass it on, but when greater interest developed around the book, she expanded it to include an introduction by physician and author BJ Miller and adding a terrific list of resources, including children’s books on death and dying.
This book is kind of an illustrated book on how to say goodbye to your loved ones (if you get the chance!), what to do when you are sitting there not knowing what to do or say. She shares a framework of “the five things” taught to her by a professional caregiver, a model for having conversations of love, respect, using the words “I forgive you,” “Please forgive me,” “Thank you,” “I love you,” and “Goodbye,” leading hopefully to peace and reconciliation.
MacNaughton also shows us illustrations of her aunt, who she went through hospice with. The book is not about the lives of those dying, but focused on this transition, what caregivers can say and do, which maybe include for much time just sitting there, being present. Paying attention. As MacNaughton does with her art. I wrote poetry, kept a journal, trying to be open to the experience, learn from it. Keep it simple, I would say is the main point here: Say I love you, hold her hand, cry, sure. With my mom we laughed quite a bit, too.
As I am getting older of course I attend more funerals than weddings or graduations. All of us will, obviously. I like this guide and will suggest it for anyone dealing with dying.
This book is kind of an illustrated book on how to say goodbye to your loved ones (if you get the chance!), what to do when you are sitting there not knowing what to do or say. She shares a framework of “the five things” taught to her by a professional caregiver, a model for having conversations of love, respect, using the words “I forgive you,” “Please forgive me,” “Thank you,” “I love you,” and “Goodbye,” leading hopefully to peace and reconciliation.
MacNaughton also shows us illustrations of her aunt, who she went through hospice with. The book is not about the lives of those dying, but focused on this transition, what caregivers can say and do, which maybe include for much time just sitting there, being present. Paying attention. As MacNaughton does with her art. I wrote poetry, kept a journal, trying to be open to the experience, learn from it. Keep it simple, I would say is the main point here: Say I love you, hold her hand, cry, sure. With my mom we laughed quite a bit, too.
As I am getting older of course I attend more funerals than weddings or graduations. All of us will, obviously. I like this guide and will suggest it for anyone dealing with dying.
August 17, 2023
This tiny, powerful book arrived at my door the day before the two-year anniversary of my mother's passing. The timing was perfect. Grief changes and swings like a pendulum and can be triggered by any host of circumstances or emotions. Wherever you are in your grief journey, this book will make you feel seen and not alone. Wendy McNaughton's exquisite and evocative drawings and her direct, simple, and actionable words give voice and presence to not only caregivers, but also to those being cared for. Wendy shares five steps to saying goodbye:
"I Forgive You"
"Please Forgive Me"
"Thank You"
"I Love You"
"Goodbye"
Not everyone gets the opportunity of time to say these things to a loved one who is dying, but at least say them to yourself and really mean it. Death isn't the only time we grieve, however, and these five suggestions are applicable to a relationship that is ending as well. There was love at one point after all. If we can acknowledge that love, appreciate the shared history, forgive mistakes, and send each other off lovingly on our new, separate journeys, how much more powerful and healing would that be?
"I Forgive You"
"Please Forgive Me"
"Thank You"
"I Love You"
"Goodbye"
Not everyone gets the opportunity of time to say these things to a loved one who is dying, but at least say them to yourself and really mean it. Death isn't the only time we grieve, however, and these five suggestions are applicable to a relationship that is ending as well. There was love at one point after all. If we can acknowledge that love, appreciate the shared history, forgive mistakes, and send each other off lovingly on our new, separate journeys, how much more powerful and healing would that be?
Displaying 1 - 30 of 116 reviews