Splitting, Second Edition: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder

by Bill Eddy, Randi Kreger

Divorce is difficult under the best of circumstances. When your spouse has borderline personality disorder (BPD), narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), or is manipulative, divorcing can be especially complicated. While people with these tendencies may initially appearconvincing and even charming to lawyers and judges, you know betterTurn to this guide to help you:Predict what your spouse may do or say in courtTake control of your case with assertiveness and strategic thinkingChoose a lawyer who understands your caseLearn how e-mails and social networking can be used against you

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Divorce, Relationships, Mental Health, Abuse

Audio CD

First published January 1, 2011

About the author

Bill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, mediator and the President of High Conflict Institute. He developed the "High Conflict Personality" theory (HCP Theory) and has become an international expert on managing disputes involving high conflict personalities and personality disorders. He provides training on this subject to lawyers, judges, mediators, managers, human resource professionals, businesspersons, healthcare administrators, college administrators, homeowners’ association managers, ombudspersons, law enforcement, therapists and others. He has been a speaker and trainer in over 25 states, several provinces in Canada, Australia, France and Sweden.

As an attorney, Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California and the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego. Prior to becoming an attorney in 1992, he was a Licensed Clinical Social worker with twelve years’ experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law for six years and he is on the part-time faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law and the National Judicial College. He is the author of numerous articles and several books, including:

High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
It’s All YOUR Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns

He is also the developer of the “New Ways for Families” method of managing potentially high conflict families in and out of family court. He is currently developing a method for managing potentially high conflict employees titled “New Ways for Work.”

Reviews

[Jennifer Ann Fox · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book was recommended to me by a professional and it really made alot of sense when reading this book about narcissistic personalities or toxic relationships. I would highly recommend this to anyone divorcing in similar situations because it's the way you respond to the situations that's important and this book makes so much sense and spells it out for the reader.

[Michellle]

Interesting book but not targeted for information I was seeking. I am going to begin reading Disarming the Narcissist soon which I understand is a much, much better book for understanding how to relate and pull away in a healthy manner from a narcissist. Let you know!

[Lily Haven · Rating 4 out of 5]

Do yourself a favor and read this book Before the words Separation or Divorce are even spoken to a partner with a personality disorder. This book is loaded with information that will give you a realistic idea what to expect out of a soon-to-be ex once a divorce has started. If at any point in time you are tempted to think: "They wouldn't go that far." or "It couldn't possibly be that extreme." let me tell you from personal experience that: Yes, they can and will go there, and yes it can be that extreme.

So I will state it again: this book will give you a Realistic look at what to expect out of a soon-to-be ex who has a personality disorder.

Make no mistake, someone with a borderline or narcissistic personality disorder will go after you and they will do so with no empathy or concern for what their actions will do to you or your children (if you have any) or sometimes even themselves. They will focus on winning and they will focus on hurting you for your "betrayal" of leaving them, even if they initiated the divorce.

My favorite point about this book is the emphasis of taking an assertive approach. It can be tempting to respond to an aggressive/angry ex with an aggressive/angry response. Do not do this!! Anything you say, especially in text message, email or voice mail can turn up in court and be used against you.
At the other end of the spectrum it can be tempting to give in and capitulate to demands to avoid conflict. Don't do this either!! People with these disorders have a sense of entitlement, if you simply give up on something you have a legal right to they will expect and demand that you give up in every other area of the divorce as well.
Take a middle road: be assertive. This book will help explain how to do that.

If you will be getting a divorce from someone with a personality disorder this book is an excellent place to start getting some information. And get yourself the best attorney you can find! Hiring a great attorney really is the best thing you can do for yourself.

[Charlene · Rating 4 out of 5]

No one is more surprised than I am that I am giving this 4 stars. I have been on a quest to read and rate as many books about personality disorders and DSM related diagnoses as possible. Most of them are horrible because they lack empirical support to make the claims they all make. While I am sure many authors truly want to help, it seems they really offer no effective help at all. I gave one star to Kreger's Eggshell book. It had many flaws and not many clear and effective helpful solutions. I was really surprised how different this book was. I highly recommend this book to anyone going through a divorce.

Without question, this book suffers from the same problems that plague most self-help books that deal with personality disorders. The narcissist or borderline could easily be the person who does x behavior or the opposite of x behavior. Terms are not well defined or empirically supported. However, this book excels in identifying and isolating very specific behaviors of high conflict individuals. If this book had replaced "narcissists" and "borderlines" with "high conflict persons", I might have given it 5 stars. This book seems to provide excellent advice for anyone going through a divorce. If both parties are reasonable, they can learn from this book how to avoid being high conflict. If one or both parties are high conflict individuals, this book offers solid advice on steps to take to avoid making things harder on your kids and yourself. I had a relatively easy divorce but have seen nasty divorces fairly often in life. I can't help but think this book could have probably helped each person going through the high conflict divorce, whether or not they are the person bringing the drama to the table.

The one thing I think authors find difficult, is that you can never tell who is telling the truth. These authors seem to be aware that this is a limitation and , despite this, they do the best they can to offer solid, fair advice for couples to get through divorce and the following years.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Going through a divorce is one of the most destructive, heart breaking, and earth shattering processes that an individual can go through in his of her life. It is a method of betrayal and deceit that takes the sanctity of marriage and shatters it into a million pieces. In the process homes are destroyed, children are emotionally damaged, and two people that once loved each other cannot stand one another. More than half of the marriages that take place in The United States today end in divorce. Ending a marriage caused by infidelity, difference if feelings, finances, etc. is very common. However, what is not so common is terminating a marriage due to having a partner with mental illness. The courts of today are being bombarded with high conflict divorces that are initiated by those who suffer from border line personality disorder, bipolar disorder, narcissism, and other personality disorders on the DSM IV. Although those in the mental health field are familiar with these types of individuals, the courts are not equipped to handle these people; and the system finds itself being abused and mishandled by them. This book is an excellent guide for those that find themselves in a high conflict divorce with a partner that is suffering from a mental illness. Struggling through a divorce is tough enough, but surviving a divorce with a person that is unstable in frightening. This book will save time and money on how to protect a person in the court room, in mediation, with psychologists, and with family services. It is the divorce bible of today.

[Alejandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

I started reading this twice, and I wish I had read and finished it sooner.
My first read was when I thought I might be breaking up with my ex, and people mentioned he acts like a narcissist. I DNFed it then, because it seemed scary and over the top, and while he did seem like a narcissist, I would have sworn on my many things that he'd never do these things, lie, or use our children as weapons...
Fast forward to the actual breakup. He did ALL OF IT. 8 years and I apparently never knew that this man was capable of when I actually had the guts to cross him.

Why was this book helpful?
Because I'm not a narcissist. The things he did, and lies he told blew my mind. If you are just a mom who wears jeans and tshirts and drives to soccer practices, and visits the library for free crafts days, and cooks endless meals for your tiny beautiful humans, your brain can't concoct the things you ex's can, with the help of their sleezy lawyer. If you have been fairly "obedient" as a spouse to avoid walking on eggshells and confrontations, then you do not know your spouse the way you're about to.
If I had finished the book the first time, I would not have been so floored.
So I read it a second time, `after the police came to take my children away and serve a restraining order that did not allow me within 1,000 feet of the children whom I'd never spent a day apart from. a BABY and a toddler. 1,000 feet. Served to me by the man who weeks before had said I should be a stay at home mom because I was the best person for our kids, was now telling judges and police I was a danger on paper, and it went on my record, without any sort of police reports or I'm assuming any evidence. A man who never took off work for sick days or vacations took three weeks off to make destroying me his full time job. A man who broke up with me and told me to leave, and was so offended that I actually did it. A Narcissist.
This book basically spelled out how my custody case would go. It sounded impossible before it happened, but it played out to a T and it prepared me for the legal games to come.

Read this book because the judge BELIEVED HIM. The judge took a baby away who was breast fed for his whole life, and gave the baby to a man who worked 60 hours a week outside the home, because that charming narcissist somehow convinced a judge that he was the baby's primary caregiver. It took 9 days to prove that I was the mother, primary caregiver, capable and sane, and not abusive or dangerous. When we finally got back to the court room, all of the charges were dropped like nothing happened. I can't even explain the games. The court did not care that yesterday I was a threat and today you are giving them back to me? Nobody thought that was insane because it happens often.

Read the book because the courts systems, lawyers, and friends advice will lead you very very astray. I can't tell you the number of times I heard "No judge would..." but it happened. That they would be acting in the "best interests of the child" but the judge doesn't even know Erik Erikson's stages of development? How is that person going to decide the needs of a human being they've done no research on? Friends would say "No one in their right minds would believe he can raise children..." but they did. Or "He doesn't even want the kids because then he'd have to feed them and change diapers." But he took them anyway. For 9 days, a baby was cared for solely by someone who had never put him to bed, or down for a nap in his life. Or "He probably won't even file paperwork, because he's the one who broke up with you." But he filed immediately, as if he were shocked as to why I was gone? Not because he missed me or wanted to learn how to parent after 3 years of going out to bars after work instead of coming home. He did it to hurt me.

Read it because if you do not have a time stamped text message or an email to back up what you are saying, it didn't happen. This is a very hard realization. You need to learn what will and won't stand up in court. You need to learn what types of evidence you need to collect leading up to it. You need to document that you are a good parent, starting now. If it never gets used, hooray. But if you need it, you will be VERY glad you did your homework. You know you're a great parent, and your friends know it, and the daycare teachers know it, and the family knows it. But the judge has not met you. And it can take months to "prove" that.

Read it because this book will help you choose a lawyer who will not be fooled by your ex, and that lawyer will help you defend yourself and your children better. My FIRST lawyer said my ex could not take my kids, but he found a way. My FIRST lawyer advised me what to do, and those choices screwed me and my children, cost us money and time, and made me the "defendant" in the case instead of the plaintiff. AKA. I must defend myself against all of his insanity BEFORE I can point a finger back.
My NEW LAWYER is much better and has seen the games, and gives me homework, and we continue even when my ex's lawyer is confused as to what's going on anymore because he's gotten so many stories and they don't jive anymore.

Read it because book will open your eyes to the things you don't know about court and lawyers. For example you'd think purgery was a really bad thing that no one does. In fact, there was no direct penalty for purgery, and you'll probably have to file a separate case to even enforce it, so your ex may purger themselves til they are blue in the face without annnnnnyyy ramifications. AND you will have to defend yourself against it all. When a lie ends up about you on paper in the hands of a judge, you do not have time to cry or be shocked, You have to defend yourself.

Just read the book to the end. Even if it seems over the top.
If you are going through a divorce or split, if you are even reading reviews of this book, you most likely need to know all the things this book will spell out. You need to defend yourself against all of it. This book and the right lawyer are your best shot at not allowing your children to become chess pieces in your ex's games.
I pray for everyone who this book resonates with. I'm so sorry for what you already have, and still will go through.

[Daryle Tibbs · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was given to me by a client. The client felt this book was helpful to her in navigating her case with her husband, whom she believes to be suffering from borderline narcissistic personality disorder.
Splitting is a term used to describe a defense mechanism universally seen in people with Borderline and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I definitely have a love-hate relationship with this book. Let me begin by being truthful with how long it took me to finish this book. I got through the first half of the book pretty quickly and then I stalled for approximately six months (maybe longer) before finishing the book. I was just having difficulty picking it up and getting through it towards the end. The information was very helpful for a person going through a difficult divorce with someone they suspect as having personality disorders/defects. The issue that I was having is that some of the legal-based information was inaccurate, and not in a, procedural differences between jurisdictions, kind of way. Some of the basic information was inaccurate and misleading, in my opinion.
The book attempts to address the different types of evaluators that can get involved in a divorce case. One such evaluator it discusses is “an attorney for minor children.” Even this label is frustratingly inaccurate. It leads the reader to believe that it is referring to an attorney representing the minor children. What I think it is actually referring to is a guardian ad litem, which is an attorney that represents the best interests of the minor children.
There is a very distinct difference between representing a minor child, which requires you to advocate for the position your client wants you to advocate for, and representing the best interests of the minor children, which requires you to advocate for the position that you feel is in the child’s best interests, regardless of what the child wants. If a parent wants the minor children to be represented by an attorney, the only way to accomplish this in a private custody case is to hire an attorney to do so. A Guardian Ad Litem is appointed by the Court and the Court makes an order about who will be responsible for payment of the GAL’s fees, which are usually divided equally by the parties. The entire section on this seems to confuse the two roles. There are a few other sections that are ambiguous or misleading, which I feel might result in confusion on the part of the client.
The book is not all bad though. It provides some great suggestions for how to deal with a high-tension, highly litigious opposing party. One of the best points made by the authors is the fact that highly aggressive attorneys often don’t win in the long run and that for negative advocate attorneys focus on their performance in court. They put on a show for their client and as a result, their client thinks they did a great job. This is something I have been telling my clients for years. I might add that the reason I know they are only putting on a show for their client is because, often times, attorneys go into chambers with the judge and discuss the issues before any hearing occurs. The judge often tells the attorneys their point of view on the issue after all arguments have been made. The attorneys and parties go on record thereafter, but at that point, it is only a procedural formality. The attorneys already know how the judge will rule before the formal hearing occurs. Any arguments made are only for the sake of the record and for the sake of the clients.
Another great resource and suggestion made is the open letter to family and friends in the back of the book. The letter is provided as a “suggested script” of a letter that a person can send to their family and friends as they are going through the divorce process. With some modifications, this letter could be used for almost any type of divorce. In a high-tension and highly litigious divorce, a letter like this is a great tool. One of the best pieces of information in the letter is to as your friends and family not to take sides in the divorce. By way of example it states, “while siding with me may give me a temporary feeling of satisfaction, it is a form of all-or-nothing thinking that reinforces seeing one person as all bad and the other as all good.” So basically, you are using the letter to ask your friends and family not to talk smack about your soon to be ex because that leads to deeper feelings of resentment and vindictiveness. This is a great idea because those feelings usually already exist in abundance and do not need to be reinforced.
Overall, I give this book 3 stars.

[Terrah Mayes · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you or someone you know is experiencing a high conflict divorce then this book is the bible to survival. Is it a fun read that escapes you from reality? No! It is likely the reality that you're living. So why would you want to read it? Because you will likely see similarities that will mirror your experiences and it will give you insight and wisdom as far as how to better deal with your, shall we say unbelievably irrational and beyond reasonable ex. Splitting is actually a clinical term, it isn't referring to the dynamics of the couple. This book describes in easy to read, but not condescending terms how to best deal with a high conflict divorce. The Book Slitting is an invaluable tool assisting in the process of strategizing how to navigate much of the chaos that is over and beyond the normal chaos of divorce. This has been one of the single most useful tools in helping me step back and realize that others are and have gone through the exact same difficulties and how clinicians recommend that you both do and don't deal with these high conflict people. I also like that it is gender neutral. It isn't man or woman hating. This book isn't about the average adversarial divorce. Splitting is a book that deals with the nightmare divorces that we've all heard about and cringe a little inside with a hope that that won't ever be us. If there was such a thing as a divorce survival kit- this book would be in it. This book comes in audio formatt, hard and paperback, kindle, a workbook and a Web Site. I hope you never need it- but in the event that you do, please do yourself a favor and read it because if you should ever find yourself in the middle of a very emotionally draining and stressful high conflict divorce, it will likely be a long, slow process- this is a must read in order to help you gain confidence in realizing that it's literally not you and not avoidable. Hang in there- I've been told that it can't last forever. Best Regards, T-

[Randall Wallace · Rating 5 out of 5]

When you leave an abusive spouse, the police will save you. When you leave a narcissist-borderline spouse, this book save you. I loved rereading this book after eight years; it is still so helpful. An NIH study shows that 40% of borderlines are also narcissists. Eddy explains there is often a psychopathic component to such ex-spouses, “they can often spin the facts so well that they seem like victims.” I cannot stress enough that any parent with kids reading this book must read, “Don’t Alienate the Kids” by the same author afterward because if you don’t prepare against PAS from day one, a narcissist/borderline ex is one of the best qualified people in the world to completely alienate your kids from you - and without guilt. Expect to be attacked relentlessly. Things that are half true are harder to deny than something that is totally false. Always respond to false statements. Yes, an accusation of one sentence takes 10 sentences to defend. Yes, you will be spending years doing this if you had kids together with this person. But you need to keep a corrected record that is ongoing, countering each accusation, until they turn 18 (unless your narcissist/borderline ex also alienates your child from you). Save copies of communications: “It is hard for a blamer to claim she is a frightened innocent victim when the court sees the angry abusive words she uses.” When attacked, “Think strategically not reactively”. Emotional intensity is contagious, so don’t you join in, instead respond always with moderation. What would Mr. Rogers say? ☺ The goal of this book is to help you understand the other person’s behavior so you can protect yourself and your relationship with your children.

[Scott · Rating 5 out of 5]

I can't say that I read this book so much as I studied it. If you're just going to read it straight through without taking notes, it goes very quickly, otherwise, you may want to give yourself a couple days to really absorb everything. I can't overstate what a great resource it is. I've only owned my copy for two months and since then I've read, reread, and referred back to sections of it so many times that it looks like I've been carrying it around all year.

Some of the most important things you're going to learn from reading this book are: How to know when you're dealing with a BP or NP disorder based on what you've observed of the person, what the differences are between BPD and other similar/easily confused personality disorders, how people with BPD think, what to expect from BPD's during the divorce, how you can protect yourself from lies and false accusations, how to avoid escalations, and more.

Who should read this book? Anyone that suspects their spouse has a BPD and that a divorce may be in their future. It's best to arm yourself with this knowledge as far in advance as you can. I wish I had.

If you end up reading this book because you have to, I wish you the best of luck. Be sure to pace yourself; it's going to be an all out war, not just a "simple" court battle.

[Piotr Reysner · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a phenomenal book. I recommend it to anyone divorcing a narcissist. As a lawyer, I can tell you that this is the most practical and accurate legal advice I've seen from any author who ventures into this arena. And as a DV advocate, I can tell you that the practical advice is second to none.

Learn this book and follow it to the letter. It will help immensely. But it does require you to control your instinct to fight, which truly makes things so much worse with a narcissist.

[Laurice Grae-Hauck · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a must read for anyone involved in a high conflict divorce. If you haven't left your marriage yet and are dealing with a high-conflict personality or a "blamer" START HERE and arm yourself before you get started. These helpful insights could save you thousands of dollars in attorney fees and years of court battles.

[Sarenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I had read this years ago. it explained so much. I have a whole new outlook on my situation, and can better understand why my court and mediation battles turned out how they did. I HIGHLY recommend this to anyone going through or survivors of a difficult divorce.

[Edy · Rating 5 out of 5]

A friend gave this book to me following his high conflict divorce from his mercurial, theatrics driven attorney wife. This book is helping me see the forest through the trees and providing me clarity through these murky trails. I highly recommend this book to anyone.

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you anticipate a high conflict divorce

This is the book for you. It is a little scary and overwhelming. But being prepared for what could possibly come, will help the real thing be less frightening. Lots of good advice and concrete takeaways.

[Dorette Skinner · Rating 4 out of 5]

I hope no one I know ever needs to read this. But I find it super helpful in navigating these uncertain waters, keeping my side clean and managing my expectations.

[Fiona · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent resource for those divorcing or thinking about divorcing a high conflict, controlling person with borderline or narcissistic personality disorder.

[Elijah Gartin · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book has a lot of good insight, especially a good read for those who are battling a PD that latched on to a rich SO and free lawyer. It's helping me save a lot of lawyer hours by following the mantra of "KEEP CALM" and if you aren't already in the thick of it, those hours add up quickly, especially with someone with a PD involved. It also reduces my needs to waste lawyer hours asking them questions of what if this, what if that, etc.

Reading this book felt at times the same way, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" felt. There's hope for good, but it ultimately seems like an abysmal situation in dealing with situations like these. Knowledge is power and it'll help you maintain your sanity as you deal with blatant and mind boggling irrationality. I know my greatest challenge going forward will be to find that balance of not triggering her due to my lack of sensitivity towards her entire being.

To those who are also going through this, my most sincere sympathies, good luck, and YoS speed...

[Lisa Butterworth · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm feeling split about this book. I'm going to give it four stars because it is jammed full of useful information about how to handle a really sticky hard situations.

But it's really more like 3.0-3.5 stars, to be honest, because there is so much that isn't here. this book basically lays out what you need to do, best case scenario to split from an abusive or controlling person. But it doesn't provide any real-world emotional reality framework for how to accomplish being perfectly calm and controlled while suffering from PTSD, nor realistic ideas of what to do if you don't have a whole bunch of money to hire your own experts, or even a good lawyer. There are a lot of unacknowledged assumptions rooted in privilege, this book assumes the the abused person will have a support network, the mental health, and the financial resources to fight back. And no acknowledgement that this is just NOT the reality for a huge percentage of people trying to divorce an abusive or controlling person.

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful. The book gave solid advice and helped me anticipate some of my ex-husband's actions. If you can, I strongly recommend you read EARLY in the divorce process, but if you pick it up later it will still be helpful.

[Andrew Pixton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although I'm not divorcing I found this a useful lens for approaching clients and others with these disorders.

[Daniella · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful, informative book with practical examples.

[Wafa Ouazeta · Rating 3 out of 5]

introduction………………………………………….p01
Quick –start Guide……………………………..p07
Part01: Preparing for a difficult Divorce
1. Preparing yourself………….p13
2. Understanding borderline and Narcissistic personalities…p25
3. Blamers and targets: its all your fault!........p43
4. Managing a Blamer with a assertive Approach…..p69
5. Preparing for a court battle with a blamer….p89
Part02: Succeeding in family court:
6. Today’s divorce court culture…….p109
7. Hiring a lawyer who understands……p 137
8. working with your lawyer to handle predictable crisis…p147
9. Gathering evidence about your blamer’s private persona…p155
10. working with experts and evaluators………p169
11. what to expect from the blamer’s attorney…p191
12. what to expect at a hearing or trial with a blamer….p203
Part03: Succeeding Out of Court:
13. Considering alternatives to litigation with a blamer……p225
14. Managing the rocky post-divorce relationship…….p247
Conclusion……………………………………………………….p271
- Appendix: Open letters to professionals, and family and friends….p277
Introduction: 01-07
- In the meantime, people facing divorce or separation from partners with difficult personalities must educate themselves, obtain knowledgeable professional assistance, and be highly assertive in the court process understand that most legal professionals don’t know the information in this book, while many are familiar with high conflict divorce cases , they are often caught by surprise because they don’t see the understanding patterns.
- Splitting focuses specifically on dealing with borderline and narcissistic personalities in divorce cases.
- there is a wide range of possibilities when a divorce involves some one with borderline personality (BP) or narcissistic personality(NP).
Quick – start Guide:
1. develop an emergency plan your partner could assault or evict you at any time.
2. As soon as possible after they occur, write down, accurate details of problems and events between you and your partner (and other) that could become issues in court.
3. Communicate very carefully and respectfully with your partner because anything may be introduced into more so when you separate.
Explain: the way you explain your part ner’s behavior to legal professionals is highly important.(succeeding in family court).
Patterns: from the start think about how you will explain your partner’s behavior patterns.(oh, she’s a border line or he’s a narcissist), he’s narcissist, so you know why I need protection.
- So you know what that means in terms of parenting.
Handling issues out of court:
- An assertive approach also includes making strategic decisions about managing your case out of court and in the future.
Consider alter natives to litigation:
- The majority of divorces are decided out of court by agreement of the parties. It’s usually worthwhile to try method like:
1. Negotiation through attorneys.
2. Mediation.
3. Collaboration divorce.
4. A parenting coordination.
- these methods, which we’ll go into further in part 03, may save you significant time, money and trauma.
Manage your post-divorce relationship:
- Borderline or narcissistic ex may still be in their lives even after a divorce.
- Each of these approaches will trigger more drama and trauma. As with everything else about the assertive approach, rationally consider all your alternatives and develop an arm’s length relationship that can give you stability in your future.
- In short, just remember the two acronyms: Keep calm. It’s a simple overeating or giving up.

[The Book Squirrel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is 100% an essential read if you are trying to extricate yourself from a relationship with someone with BP or NP traits, especially if there are children involved.

It warns you about patterns of behaviour you can expect to see, and what to do and not do, what will help your legal case and what will hurt it.

It uses two main scenarios throughout the book - in one a woman is divorcing a man with BP/NP traits and in the other a man is divorcing a woman with BP/NP traits. I really appreciated this balance.

First and foremost, it is essential to get a lawyer who has experience dealing with such people, and it will help if you can find a councellor or psychologist who understands such people to support you in moving on from their toxicity.

I would recommend getting a copy of this book BEFORE you separate! Also, I would read the book with a highlighter and sticky notes in hand while listening to the audio.

It's important to note that the legal aspects may not apply to your area/country, so take it as suggestions and possibilities, not literally, the references regarding what lawyers do and what procedures are, etc.

[Lance · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was insightful, but much of it wasn’t helpful to me.

Because many people going through a breakup or divorce have children involved (and that’s when such issues get messiest), that’s what a lot of the book focused on and gave examples of. For me, as a person without children now or in the future, that gave me sections to speed-read or skim through.

Still, the book was full of good information about ending relationships with people with “cluster B” traits that show patterns of behavior common to narcissist, borderline, and antisocial personalities. My language in this review will be sorta vague for the same reasons the authors chose to do so: even professionals disagree about the diagnoses of these personality disorders, so it’s not anyone else’s place to even attempt to diagnose another. And, what’s more, don’t ever explain to a judge or a partner that you think the partner has a personality disorder. Don’t diagnose. Don’t spread your false diagnosis. Keep it to yourself. Just focus on the patterns of behavior.

One large point made in the book is that such people often “split” on former partners, as these people tend to see others as all good or all bad. At the same time, the authors make it a point to explain that these are unconscious defense mechanisms. For example, people with BP traits often do such things when attachment is threatened, people with NP traits do so when their self-image is questioned, and people with either/both do it when they lose control.

A major aspect of the book I appreciated is that the authors repeatedly made the fair statements that people with these traits aren’t bad people, that these people just want to be happy too, like everyone else. These people just ended up with the traumas and personalities that they ended up with, and most of the time don’t understand the self-sabotage they’re doing. These people need help (like most of us do). However, again this is a good repeated point of the authors’, that’s not the responsibility of any partner.

People with personality disorders, or traits similar to them, can appear normal or as great people to others. Yet, in time, the traits come out. These people struggle with taking responsibility for their actions because they feel they’ve acted properly, blaming others for “making them” behave in certain ways.

I found BPD and NPD stuff most interesting. BP traited people tend to “feel unworthy and empty, lack a sense of self, and constantly fear real or imagined abandonment.” Their brains, in scans, show the amygdala (emotional intensity center and how we can return to normal) more active than those without BPD. They’ve frequently had issues in childhood with abuse, (perceived) ineffective parenting, mismatch of parents/children, home lives that intensify negative views of the child, and abandonments (including perceived ones).

A common way the authors chose to explain people with personality disorders is as if they are drunk. It’s a good analogy in many ways, as “their thinking is continually ‘under the influence’ of their cognitive distortions.” They only give info, never taking any in. And, like some people in various stages of drunkenness, don’t realize they’re being influenced (or how much).

Those distortions were a big point of learning for me in the book. Distortions are defense mechanisms set off by alarms - which are often false, thanks to the overactive nature of the person’s amygdala. They truly feel in danger, powerless, and out of control. “Their extreme feelings create their own problems.” They see events through their distortions, so have different perceptions of the past and present than most would, given the same inputs. The main distortions are “exaggerated fears, all-or-nothing thinking, jumping to conclusions, emotional reasoning, and projecting.” BP traits would be like alternating between clinging behavior and rage. During breakups, they may mess with money. In attempt to feel better and more in control, they try to control others (consciously or not). They frequently use emotional reasoning: feel strongly about something and hold onto “facts” that fit that feeling - as shown when they get hung up on a minor detail in a discussion because of an emotion triggered by it. Because of much of the above, they don’t do well with negotiations and compromise. The distortions show up in “If you cared about me...”, “If you respected me...”, and more clearly verbally abusive statements.

The book explains that the best approach is an assertive one: “balancing patience and flexibility with clear communication and deadlines.” With patience meaning “allowing time for the other person to adjust” and flexibility meaning “room to negotiate the details.” It also explains that people with personality disorders can actually be very good in court, grabbing attention with their extreme emotions (and their distortions). It also explains that, to combat this, the key is assertively supplying ample evidence to disprove their story and to align everyone’s views closer to a reality.

There’s a ton more in there about fighting for child support and custody, the processes best suited for different situations, and so on. The end of the book focuses on how to move on with life afterwards, again urging balance. “Avoid being too close or too rejecting. Avoid the common error of cutting the person off or trying to be really close friends. Both approaches can easily backfire.”

[Deborah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Even though this book is written for those divorcing, this book is helpful for others to read for a better understanding of the challenges and difficulties that occur when dealing with someone diagnosed with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

[Raquel Tobian · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. It's useful if you're very unfamiliar with divorce and family court proceedings and is tailored to the US legal system.
it would be helpful as an introductory read for someone divorcing an individual with narcissistic or borderline traits.

[Charlotte Chaney · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for anyone divorcing a narcissist.

[Wendy · Rating 3 out of 5]

It gave me a lot of insights into my ex and how i react to him.

[James R · Rating 2 out of 5]

While this book does have some interesting nuggets, I think it's loaded with mistakes & things that don't align.

The legal portion is inaccurate from my experience. I imagined I'd get my "day in court" with "emergency" or "temporary orders", but this isn't how my state works. Instead, you go through months (and in my case likely years) before you ever show up for a hearing. Our trial date was scheduled a year out, and my ex refused mediation. The first thing a lawyer asks for isn't your story - they ask for all your bank statements. They want to see how much money they have to work with. The circumstances are irrelevant at this stage of their game.

All we did for months was hatch out numbers and custody plans, and they 100% ignored the circumstances portion of it. Lawyers just push cases through the system in the same manner, no matter the circumstances. Basically, they want to extract as much money as possible, and then all the circumstances get pushed to the trial date (which could easily be pushed out 5-10 years). So the system isn't designed to be quick and painless; it's designed to enrich courts & attorneys. My whole view on the court system became overwhelmingly negative and critical after my experience.

Here's what people need to do. First off, hire the best attorney you can find & afford (you will likely be disappointed). This will take numerous consultations, and the process will be involved and difficult. You'll need somewhere around $10,000 just to get started (and likely much more). At that point, you'll want them to level with you. This can be extremely difficult, as many lawyers don't give a shit, and they're just focused on the next motion, discovery, etc. You'll likely have to read between the lines and figure out how the process will go. Your best bet is to go through the initial filing, response, and mandatory discovery. Then call it quits and settle. At that point you'll see what each of you wants and is working with, and often the narcissist will give in if they feel they're winning against you. I noticed my ex became extremely happy when I made some massive concessions. But then hours later, it was back to the accusations and hatred of me. So good luck managing the negotiation process. Learning negotiation tactics at this stage is probably a good idea. You'll definitely want a lawyer so you have some protection during this process.

Nobody is going to guide you through this, so you'll have to do all the number crunching and thinking on your own. You'll have to become familiar with the family law code of your state, researching deadlines, terminology, and the process. Lawyers talk to me as if I'm an idiot for not knowing the process. Anyone who goes through this will learn how much of a meat grinder the system is.

My advice is to settle, even if it's a completely shit settlement. Then at least you have something filed with the court, and you can move forward. I would avoid a trial, because it will be incredibly costly, and both the financial and mental cost are wildly high. Even if you "win" at court, you may be bankrupt and your kids may hate you at that point from all the stress. Even if you "win" at a trial, your ex can keep taking you back, so it might be better to settle early to save huge amounts of money and headache.

In my case, I'm getting somewhere in the neighborhood of 7% custody and I'm paying an enormous amount in bills (basically enough that my spouse doesn't have to work for years, despite having been employed full time less than 3 years ago). Plus my ex constantly tells me I'm the bad guy, that it's my fault I'm not seeing my kid (without ever saying what specifically I do that makes me a bad parent), etc. You become this permanent punching bag, and if you push back at all, they will retaliate and threaten to torpedo any agreements you have. Nobody will ever see the evidence, and it will never be filed with the court. The judge will have no idea, and will simply rubber stamp the agreement. Is this unjust? Hell yes it is. But that's still your best approach. I've seen people fight this, and they come out broken people on the other side. The courts chew people up and don't care. So settle for a shit deal, because a trial with a narcissist is a super massive shit deal.

While my suggestion to settle for a bad deal seems terrible, at least this is finalized with the court, and I can move on with my life. I'd suggest anyone to avoid the trial process. You need to preserve your financial assets, don't give a lawyer $100k+ in fighting a narcissist. It's not worth it. If the person is a real psycho, you were going to lose your kids & money no matter what you did, so you may as well settle and give up early rather than fighting a losing battle. But hey if you want to go through 5 years of legal stuff and $100k+ plus (there is no limit) in attorneys fees, be my guest. It's also hard to settle once you're deep into it, because you have this urge to keep going forward in order to "win" even though settling is the correct option.