Iris en haar wereld

The Iris Trilogy #2

by John Bayley

Het hartverscheurende verhaal van het laatste levensjaar en de dood van Iris Murdoch; een schitterend vervolg op het succesvolle Elegie voor Iris.

In deze nieuwe herinneringen van John Bayley aan Iris Murdoch schetst Bayley op ontroerende wijze hun laatste jaar samen. Iris bereikt de terminale fase van Alzheimer en heeft op het eind volledige verzorging nodig. Bayley beschrijft ook de vele vrienden om hen heen: allegorische figuren als dokter Alzheimer en Eenzaamheid, reisgenoten op het doodlopend pad van John en Iris' gezamenlijk leven. En terwijl Iris haar geheugen langzaam maar zeker totaal verliest, probeert hij zijn eigen herinneringen aan zijn eigen jeugd in India en aan zijn leven met Iris uit hun slaaptoestand te bevrijden.
John Bayley spaart noch Iris noch zichzelf; hij vertelt hun verhaal zonder een blad voor de mond te nemen. Daarnaast vertelt hij over de onvergetelijke scènes van zijn jeugd: zijn kindertijd in koloniaal India, de vakanties aan de Engelse kust; en over zijn ontdekking van de kracht van de literatuur, vooral van het werk van Dickens, Elizabeth Bowen en Proust.
Dit is een prachtig boek van een bescheiden, genereuze en briljante man, wiens subtiele observaties over de smart en de vreugde in zijn eigen leven de lezers hetzelfde helende inzicht zullen geven als zijn vorige boek, het alom bejubelde Elegie voor Iris.

Genres: Biography, Nonfiction, Memoir, Literature

347 pages, Hardcover

First published August 6, 1999

About the author

Professor John Bayley CBE, FBA, FRSL was a British literary critic and writer.

Bayley was born in Lahore, British India, and educated at Eton, where he studied under G. W. Lyttelton, who also taught Aldous Huxley, J.B.S. Haldane, George Orwell and Cyril Connolly. After leaving Eton, he went on to take a degree at New College, Oxford. From 1974 to 1992, Bayley was Warton Professor of English at Oxford. He is also a novelist and writes literary criticism for several newspapers. He edited Henry James' The Wings of the Dove and a two-volume selection of James' short stories.

From 1956 until her death in 1999, he was married to the writer Dame Iris Murdoch. When she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, he wrote the book Iris: A Memoir of Iris Murdoch, which was made into the 2001 film Iris by Richard Eyre. In this film, Bayley was portrayed in his early years by Hugh Bonneville, and in his later years by Jim Broadbent, who won an Oscar for the performance. After Murdoch's death he married Audi Villers, a family friend. He was awarded the CBE in 1999.

Reviews

[Fergus, Weaver of Autistic Webs · Rating 5 out of 5]

THE RELENTLESS PROGRESS OF ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE:

Iris Murdoch was a haunted woman, as I am now (I have early-onset dementia, at 75).

Among her huge legion of fans there were most certainly the more envious and maleficent ones who wished her evil.

In the highly suggestive manner of the remarkable postmodernist novels he also authored, Bayley hints carefully at the exacerbating, frustratingly wakeful suspicions in Iris Muroch’s mind that provoked her descent into the depths of this disease.

It is wise not to be obvious, but Bayley knew his dear wife’s, and his own, souls well.

But Iris didn’t.

And therein begins her descent - though unresisted and carefully reasoned, the process of introspection can be a less disquieting, silent road to the soul’s unplumbed depths - but only with Faith and Hope.

But if not, love helps, as John’s helped Iris enormously.

And for those who suffer there can be, I believe, a Guiding Light at the end of the long Tunnel.

If you have ears to hear, let yourself hear. Follow along with John as he takes on the dual task, in his Golden Years, of sole caregiver for his wife, and Proustian researcher of his OWN lost memories.

I had originally possessed quite a variety of Kindle notes for this, but upon assuming my own - rather than a shared - Amazon identity, they were all lost.

If you’re a reader who loves a slow, thoughtful, meandering book, with many, many seques into introspection, you’ll LOVE this!

But ALWAYS remember to keep your life simple - for multiplying suspicions, once fuelled, can Conquer your Brain.

[James · Rating 3 out of 5]

'Iris - a memoir of Iris Murdoch' (1998) and 'Iris and the Friends' (1999) - both written by Iris Murdoch's husband, author and literary critic John Bayley. The first book was written during the time when Iris was suffering from Alzheimer's and the second following her untimely death in 1999.

Having read both these books after watching 'Iris' - the brilliant Richard Eyre directed film adaptation starring Judi Dench et all, I was very much looking forward to reading both 'Iris' and 'Friends'. Unfortunately however I now understand that the Richard Eyre film was ostensibly based on Bayley's third book 'Elegy for Iris' (1999) - which I will endeavour to read in due course.

Nevertheless and in my ignorance at the time, I embarked on both 'Iris' and 'Friends' with some expectation. I was anticipating an insightful account of Bayley's first meeting, evolving relationship, subsequent marriage with Murdoch and to hearing more in respect of the devastating impact of Alzheimer's on Murdoch, Bayley as her carer and their relationship.

With that in mind, along with obvious feelings of empathy and symphony for both Murdoch and Bayley and the unimaginable challenges that they faced through Murdoch's Alzheimer's - it is challenging to say the least, to review both books in an honest way, without overwhelming feelings of being unkind, unfair or unsympathetic.

Be that as it may - my review is based on my thoughts and experiences and my appraisal of reading both of Bayley's books and to do otherwise, would ultimately be to patronise the author.

Whilst 'Iris' contains some passages concerning how Bayley and Murdoch first met and the inception of their relationship together, along with sporadic stories of their life together pre Alzheimer's, the overwhelming majority of both books seem to almost solely focus on Bayley's life. More understandably it seems in 'Friends' - as Bayley freely acknowledges his only escape and sanity seemed to depend upon memories and fantasies, almost all of which don't seem to involve Murdoch.

As such, both books were somewhat frustrating to read as well as repetitive in nature, 'Friends' more so, as it mostly amounts to a biographical account of Bayley's time in the army - all well and good if that's the book that you wanted to read.

In summary then and empathy/sympathy notwithstanding, both books were frustratingly not about Iris Murdoch, nor about the Murdoch/ Bayley relationship and overwhelmingly not concerning the day on day devastation of Alzheimer's.

The few passages that did focus on the progressive and degenerative nature of Alzheimer's and the stages of the disease that Murdoch went through, are unsurprisingly difficult and emotional to read, but they are all too few and far between.

Clearly it is understandable that Bayley perhaps didn't want to confront the issues concerning Murdoch and Alzheimer's head-on, if only for the sake of his own mental health and wellbeing, but ultimately both books are about Bayley and not Murdoch and would be more honestly described as such.

[Laurie · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Iris and Her Friends” is the second book John Bayley wrote about his wife, novelist and Oxford don Iris Murdoch, and her decline from Alzheimer’s disease. The term ‘her friends’ does not refer to people in her life, but to the compensations that her disease brings with it- the fact that she nearly instantly forgets bad things that happen, the warmth of simply holding someone you love, and that she no longer has to obey rules of decorum. Bayley, who had a lot of time to examine all facets of their life while caring for Iris (he took care of her at home up until a couple of weeks before her death), seems to have been determined to see all sides of the situation.

Most of the book is about Bayley’s life before meeting Iris. He reminisces about his childhood and young adulthood while lying in bed, unable to sleep because Iris is not settled into sleep herself. He was a bookish, introverted lad who stood apart from his older brothers (and his parents) in having no love for golf- they lived on a golf course. He spent most of his childhood playing by himself. While boarding school was hell for him, he took to the military quite well- he knew what was expected of him there. These memories are interspersed with the daily life of caring for Iris- walks, meals (spoon feedings), and the odd habits she developed as her disease progressed. Through it all, despite occasional episodes of rage on his part due to sheer frustration, is the love that held them together for so many decades.

While not as incredible a book as ‘Elegy for Iris’, it’s a thoughtful and moving treatise on love and loss- when the person you lose is still right in front of you.

[Christopher Roth · Rating 2 out of 5]

What seems to have happened here is that, after the runaway success of “Elegy for Iris,” Bayley’s first memoir, about living with his wife Iris Murdoch as she descended further and further into Alzheimer's disease, the publisher pushed hard for Bayley to write a second one. Even though there really wasn't another slim volume's worth of musings and anecdotes to wring out of the depressing subject, he did after all have all those dementia-care-related bills to pay. If nothing else, however, this book answers the burning question in literary biography raised by “Elegy,” to wit: was it being married to Iris Murdoch for decades that reduced John Bayley to the status of an exasperatingly useless little ninny, or was he possibly attracted to her in the first place because he had been an exasperatingly useless little ninny all along? The answer is a resounding "exasperatingly useless little ninny all along," amply illustrated here in various head-scratchingly pointless anecdotes from what must be the most spectacularly lonely, sheltered, and uneventful childhood in history—since he uses the frame of stealing moments of reminiscence and daydreaming in between changing Iris's bedpans to tell a kind of disjointed autobiography. Several pages are given over, for example, to describing the astonishing story in which (I hope you're sitting down, this is rather riveting) he goes out to play near the pond on his parents' estate and ... runs into another kid. You see, he didn't really know any other kids, but here is this other kid. And they had a brief conversation. And then a year later he spots him in the streets in the nearby town. Amazing, right? He tries to liven things up by suggesting that maybe the kid had been angling to bugger him, but there's really no evidence for that in the facts as they are reported. Bayley even manages to make serving in World War II boring (he once drove a jeep into a bog, apparently--or someone did; I admit my attention wandered).) And then there is his catalogue of sexual conquests, ranging from a zaftig peasant girl named Hannelore with bad breath in Allied-occupied Germany after the war who teased him with presumably some heavy petting (he refers to her "Bild von Milch und Blut," i.e. face of milk and blood, which puts me so much in mind of the grotesque but grimly available peasant girl Arabella in "Jude the Obscure" that it's truly amazing that Bayley, a leading authority on Thomas Hardy, doesn't draw the comparison himself), all the way to a faintly depressing and nauseating dalliance, in his twenties, with a grey-haired ex-nun. Actually, when I say "ranging from," that's putting it a bit generously, since that seems to have been the sum total of his sexual experience before Iris rode in on a stallion and beat him up and put him in a pumpkin shell for the rest of his life while she went off to have her affairs. As in “Elegy for Iris,” which I also reviewed on Goodreads, he alludes glancingly to the Svengali-esque Nobelist Elias Canetti, without revealing the fact that Iris carried on an affair with him for years and years. Everyone knows this ancient scrap of gossip, and Bayley's outlived everyone concerned, so whom is he really protecting by being so coy? Perhaps his own male ego? or do I just not understand the English? In fact, one of the perplexing things about this book is trying to decide whether Bayley's cringe-making blow-by-blow descriptions of his epic sexual naïveté and utter ineptitude in the above relationships is meant to show how his sheltered innocence turned his life into a long series of missed opportunities, or whether he actually seems to expect that we will be impressed with him. Overall, instead of the kind of introspection these remembrances could be expected to generate, the reader is left wondering whether Bayley might not be somewhere on the autism spectrum. Again, more likely is that I just don't understand the English. Add to this the fact that the meandering aimlessness of the book's vignettes brings to mind nothing so much as a potted old cove hobbling round and round through a topiary maze looking for the exit—which, in a way, is exactly what this book is. (Footnote: he found the exit on January 13th of this year.)

[Lise Petrauskas · Rating 3 out of 5]

These are the rambling memories and meditations—sometimes clearly seen, sometimes confusingly diffuse—of a writer whose other work I've loved. Given the circumstances, it's understandable that the book is a little flabby and unfocussed, but I was expecting more. I didn't feel that a point was reached where I really understood how the idea of "Iris's Friends" came together. Maybe I am missing something. The book wasn't a journal, depending for its structure on the mere fact of the timeline and thus permitted to ramble, but nor was it a coherently edited into sections or as a whole along some theme or intelligible idea.

Bayley is honest, insightful,funny, articulate, humble, and self-reflexive—all qualities for which I admire him. The parts that worked were worth reading. I did get a picture of John and Iris's life together near the end, how their connection and the simultaneous distance affected the operations of his own memory and imaginative life, which is rich and promising.

The best moments were scenes of his past, his childhood and wartime experiences, especially. I also relished his observations of Iris the writer and what it was like to be her partner, though there weren't enough in my opinion. I haven't read Elegy for Iris and perhaps I've got to read that to see the narrative thread. I certainly will read it. All in all, to look back at the twentieth century through the eyes of such a soul—observant, honest, sensitive, and intelligent—is no bad thing. I'm such a fan of both Bayley and Murdoch that I'm glad to have read this in spite of its faults.

[Suzanne · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have no experience of Alzheimer's myself, but Bayley shares his in such an intimate way that I could empathize in full. The book covers the last year of Iris Murdoch's life when her Alzheimer's was in an advanced stage. She was no longer any more than a physical companion to her husband, Bayley, and, as such, one that he had to care for in all ways from feeding to locking in the house so that she wouldn't escape and harm herself. The person who was once "the most intelligent woman in England" is reduced to a mumbling, ambulating bundle of flesh closer to a three year old than an adult. What makes this bearable for Bayley are his escapes into memories, not those of his time with Iris, but back to his childhood and experiences before they met. These are a precious relief from his caring duties, but he still values Iris sleeping peacefully beside him. Yet he does acknowledge when he can no longer cope with her at home and realizes that Iris appears happy to be "among fellows and friends, still more of Dr A's friends". She dies at Vale House peacefully, leaving Bayley numbed and vacant but at the same time pleased that her ending was so untroubled. For the reader there is also a sense of a fitting conclusion and an optimistic message that, while Alzheimer's is a death sentence, in the right circumstances, it need not be an unhappy one.

[Lauren · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am in a funk right now and I think it is because of this book.

I love Iris Murdoch's writing, and I looked forward to reading this memoir by her husband. But I don't know what I was thinking. I guess I was hoping for some more discussion of Iris before she became ill. The book is mostly an account of John Bayley's life before Iris, and his life with Iris during the later part of her descent into Alzheimer's Disease. Which means that I spent most of the book reading about John's early life (which I am sorry to say was not very interesting) or reading an account of him in his role of caregiver at a point when* Iris was having to be spoon fed soft food like a three year old. I'm going to go read one of her novels now, and try to put out of my mind what this horrible disease does to people.


* there's no easy way to say this, and I have such respect for Iris, but...

[Lewis Woolston · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've only discovered the novels of Iris Murdoch in the last year or so and i've been very impressed with the ones i've read so far. I came across this book by chance at my local public library and decided to give it a chance.
It tells of Iris Murdoch's life and death from the perspective of her late husband. It is warm, humane and sometimes a little self indulgent but never dull.
Worth reading, i am still looking forward to reading more of her novels.

[John Treat · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is infuriating, impossible to read. Predictably, Bayley has written another book entitled "Iris" and then done nothing but talk about himself, and he is not a pleasant topic. What do you make of a husband who says to his late-stage Alzheimer's, uncomprehending wife: "You're like 'The Burial of Sir John Moore at Corunna', darling"?

[Maureen · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I got this book I didn't realise it was the middle one in a trilogy covering Iris Murdoch's illness and death.

It is interesting to get a sense of the author's upbringing in a well off household but with little affection shown. His fear of bullying going into the army in 1943 thankfully did not come to pass 'I dreaded the army just as I had dreaded school', in fact he found 'my fellow soldiers were big and clumsy, unworldly and uncouth, kindly and fearful'. Talking about seeing someone crossing the road towards him in the dark he says 'one had not the least fear or awareness of muggers in those days - in 1952 such things just did not happen'. A peek into another time.

However anyone looking to read this book to get any insight into Iris Murdoch will be disappointed, her part in the story is limited to smiles, coos and grunts as her dementia was well advanced. However it is overall worth the read.

[Anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a memoir by Iris Murdoch’s widower, who nursed his much-loved wife through years of Alzheimer’s disease until her death. They were married for over forty years but this book is not really about their marriage. It consists of memories of his early life before he met Iris and also his fantasies while he was caring for her; in other words, where his mind went when he could no longer communicate in any meaningful fashion with his wife while he cared for her through this difficult disease. I would have preferred more marital memories, but I will have to read Mr Bayley’s other two works about his relationship with his famous wife for those. I also need to read more of her novels, so I have lots of good reading ahead of me. 😃

[Ann · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sad to think of a couple married for many years where one acts as caregiver at the end to someone with Alzheimer's. The long goodbye. John writes of his wife's illness in terms of his own inner life as he deals with her diminishing faculties. He wrote about his childhood, wartime roles and university and how memory becomes more important as we age. Nice read.

[Liz Kleinfeld · Rating 4 out of 5]

I appreciate the compassionate portrait of Iris and Bayley. His love for her shines through, as does his human frustration with her dementia. I know it's his memoir, but I wanted less of him and more of her or at least more of their life together.

[Janine · Rating 2 out of 5]

this book is really not about Iris. bayley's life stories are mildly interesting. book is partly his memoir & partly his experience of her decline into dementia. my recent experience with my own LO kept me reading. didnt get hoped for insights. probably not his fault.

[Jerry Wall · Rating 2 out of 5]

Memoir of life of author and his relations with his vibrant and then dementia ridden wife.
It was built around 1900, only fourteen years eofre that innocent world came to an end. p. 212
Suplus>

[Maxine · Rating 3 out of 5]

Another story about Iris and her dementia battle.

[Annie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Bizarre and bewildering. Iris' friends hardly come into it at all. Mostly it is about John: his childhood, his brothers playing golf and him being a bystander; his strange relationship with one of the maids; his time in the service; a very strange relationship with a German girl while he was still stationed there after the war; an even stranger relationship with an older woman named Mary. The latter, oddly enough, became friends with Iris, years later.
"I have since thought about what then seemed to come so naturally. I have thought, Here I am, married to the most intelligent woman in England, and we have never had a serious conversation." Ye gods, man, what did you talk about then? How could you never have a serious conversation with your own wife? What did you talk about it? What could he possibly mean?
Even more perplexing: "I don't miss her. Perhaps because I don't remember her. Not in the way that I remember things and people in the past" e.g., what I've spent most of this book doing: remembering little pieces of my past that I have not thought about in 50, 60 years or more; things I never told her or anyone; things there is comfort in remembering and not having to share with another person.
"No wonder Iris wanted no memorial service. She knew I would not need to remember her."
Not need to remember? What does THAT mean? Why don't you need to remember your own wife, your companion for 43 years? Is it the Alzheimer's that took your wife away, long before death did? Is there relief that he is rid of her? Or did the process of decay in Alzheimer's drag out the sense of loss that comes with death?

Or maybe Dan Rather understands the book (s) better than I do. "In Elegy for Iris, I find my mother and father, my wife's parents, our friends and us. I find shared lives, and hurts and forgivenesses,(sic) and joys that are greatest because nobody else knows them. " Maybe it is those solitary joys that John Bayley is rediscovering. Maybe that is why I can, somehow, sympathize with this odd, awkward old man.

[Tony · Rating 4 out of 5]

Less satisfying than the first memoir (Iris), this is still well worth reading. As with the first volume, it's beautifully written, stuffed with well-chosen literary allusions, and at times very touching. What is different is that, despite the title, there are so many interesting but not directly relevant anecdotes about Bayley's early life.
A couple of Amazon reviews complain that the book is full of typos, but I'm a careful reader and I didn't notice any. One Amazon reviewer complains that the book is badly written, which really surprises me -- I don't agree with that, at all.
There is a third memoir in this trilogy, Widower's House, which is about life post-Murdoch's death. http://bit.ly/14ffgsG I feel the third volume will be the least interesting, particularly since when asked about his account of two women who are keen to bed him, Bayley backtracked and said that his account wasn't strictly true. Bayley has since remarried and I got the impression from one interview that one perk of marrying again is that he will stop being hassled by women after his body!
This second volume is a highly recommended account of a remarkable intellectual and loving union between two highly intelligent and creative people.

[Loretta · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book by Iris Murdoch's former widower is called "Iris and Her Friends", but this book is really not about Iris. It is all about him, John Bayley. Yes, he did the right thing in taking care of Iris as she succumbed to Alzheimer's but in the last chapter titled, "Desire" he blatantly describes a woman he fantazises about who looks exactly like his second wife whom he married just two years after Iris's death. I gave this book two stars because I consistently felt his anger towards his late wife in his words. Not because he was her caregiver, which is understandable, but because as it so much goes between men and women-even "intellectuals". The men really cannot stand to see a woman be equal to or better than them. However, he does a good job at describing many aspects of their life and at the end one feels one has known them all their lives. But, it just so angers me that he was doing what I have seen so many men do as their "beloved" wives are dying-they are already looking for a replacement.

[Linda Nichols · Rating 5 out of 5]

Iris's "friends" are, first of all, Dr. Alzheimer, and death, loss of memory, her huband; his friends are fantasizing and memories and Iris. Bayley talks of the disease that stole his wife's life and the "friends" who aid them in her declining years. As with its predecessor, "Elegy for Iris," I highly recommend this book to anyone who has dealt or is dealing with Alzheimer's in a loved one or a friend. He discusses his efforts to care for Iris until she at last had to go into a home because he could no longer get her to eat or drink. He loved her to the very end, through all the ups and downs, but occasionally lashed out in frustration, to which her response was usually a smile or a pat on his hand. It's a beautiful, and sad, love story.

[Anne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Having read Bayley's earlier book on his wife I was looking forward to reading this sequel. About half way through though I was getting annoyed at the fact that it seemed to be all about his life. I thought the connection between him drifting off to this 'other world' while caring for Iris who was in the later stages of dementia was a tad contrived however, by book's end, he brought it back to Iris telling of her last few, sad months. To be honest my interest is Iris, then their marriage, then Bayley himself, however, having said that, overall I enjoyed this book.

[Ann · Rating 4 out of 5]

A wonderful book -- a sequel to "Elegy For Iris" written by Iris Murdoch's husband, John Bayley.

As he is taking care of Iris as she declines from the effects of her friend, Dr A , as Bayley refers to the disease, Bayley spends much of his late night time when Iris is asleep, being flooded with memories of his childhood, his family, old friends, an old flame, Iris and a rich fantasy life.

It is written in such a sweet, tender, naive way -- some beautiful parts.

[Sallie]

I won't rate this book yet, as it' well written, but kind of a downer for me right now, so I've just put it aside for now. I may go back to it, or I may put it into the pile for the used book section of my bookstore. Haven't made up my mind yet, but as someone wrote in a review of the book, not much Iris in it. Not even in his wandering through his memories.

[Karen Szczerbiuk · Rating 3 out of 5]

Two books. One author. Felt like they’d been written by two different ones. Really enjoyed the first book (Iris). Didn’t enjoy the second (Iris and Friends) anywhere near as much. Found it disjointed, jumping here and there. But, overall, an interesting read and a true and beautiful love story, pushed to the limits by an awful illness.

[Ria]

"uit vrije wil door de liefde verenigd zijn.' - Washington Post[return][return]IRIS EN HAAR WERELD:[return]Het hartverscheurende verhaal van het laatste levensjaar en de dood van Iris Murdoch; een schitterend vervolg op het succesvolle Elegie voor Iris."

[Doris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every woman needs a John Bayley in her life. He fulfilled the role wives normally have in the life of great men; cherishing, supporting, and generally provding the calm backdrop for the partner to realise his/her ambitions ...

[Virginia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Memoir by the author writes of his life/love of his famous wife, Iris Murdock who gets alzheimers. Shows how he copes with her decline by using memories of his past, but not their past. Interesting way to present the changes and his references to literature.

[Lola · Rating 1 out of 5]

I found this book boring. I continued to read, in hopes that I would like it better after I got into it a bit further, but it was still boring to me.
Consequently, I didn't finish the book.
Hopefully, you will like it better.
This is the author's second book about his wife, who has Alzheimer's.

[Sue · Rating 5 out of 5]

The house has reached a comfortable point of no return.

[Heather · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was disappointing, given how powerful Elegy for Iris was. I might give it a chance again some year, just given how much I like memoirs.