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Supernormal. Povestea neîmpărtășită a adversității și rezilienței
De ce unii copii reușesc să facă față dificultăților, iar alții nu? Ce putem spune despre copiii aparent invulnerabili, invincibili, copiii supernormali care par înzestrați cu o capacitate supraomenească de-a se adapta și de-a reuși? Bazându-se pe experiența clinică de peste douăzeci de ani, Meg Jay ne prezintă diferite aspecte ale rezilienței și ne conduce în lumea interioară a "supernormalilor", a celor care, la prima vedere, sunt doar niște medici, artiști, avocați, profesori sau antreprenori de succes, dar pe care îi descoperim ca fiind niște eroi care au reușit să-și croiască o viață reușită în ciuda tuturor obstacolelor și dificultăților întâmpinate în copilărie. Plină de povești de viață impresionante și de informații științifice de actualitate, cartea reușește să creioneze un tablou complet al rezilienței, oferind nu doar răspunsuri cu privire la resursele persoanelor reziliente, ci și o imagine a modului în care se simt și se văd pe ei înșiși oamenii "supernormali".
480 pages, Paperback
First published November 14, 2017
285 people are currently reading
4817 people want to read
About the author
Meg Jay
26 books423 followersShe is a clinical assistant professor at the University of Virginia and maintains a private practice in Charlottesville, Virginia.
Dr. Jay’s book, The Defining Decade, was a 2012 Slate.com Staff Pick and her 2013 TED talk “Why 30 Is Not the New 20″ has been viewed more than 2 million times. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, USA Today, Forbes, Psychology Today, and NPR.
Dr. Jay earned a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, and in gender studies, from the University of California, Berkeley.
At Berkeley, Dr. Jay was a research associate on the Mills Longitudinal Study, one of the longest-running studies of female adult development in the world. Her research on women, depression, and gender was funded by the National Institute of Mental Health, and was published in the Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association and as the Symonds Prize article in Studies in Gender and Sexuality. Her work on the assessment of depression has been published in Psychological Assessment.
An award-winning lecturer, Dr. Jay served as adjunct faculty at Berkeley where she taught Clinical Psychology, Personality Psychology, Social Psychology, and Psychology of Gender. Dr. Jay currently supervises doctoral students in clinical psychology at the University of Virginia.
Dr. Jay has served as a fellow for the American Psychoanalytic Association, the Center for the Study of Sexual Cultures, and the Robert Stoller Foundation.
Dr. Jay earned a B.A. with High Distinction in psychology from University of Virginia. She spent her own early twentysomething years as an Outward Bound instructor.
Dr. Jay’s book, The Defining Decade, was a 2012 Slate.com Staff Pick and her 2013 TED talk “Why 30 Is Not the New 20″ has been viewed more than 2 million times. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, USA Today, Forbes, Psychology Today, and NPR.
Dr. Jay earned a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, and in gender studies, from the University of California, Berkeley.
At Berkeley, Dr. Jay was a research associate on the Mills Longitudinal Study, one of the longest-running studies of female adult development in the world. Her research on women, depression, and gender was funded by the National Institute of Mental Health, and was published in the Journal of the American Psychoanalytic Association and as the Symonds Prize article in Studies in Gender and Sexuality. Her work on the assessment of depression has been published in Psychological Assessment.
An award-winning lecturer, Dr. Jay served as adjunct faculty at Berkeley where she taught Clinical Psychology, Personality Psychology, Social Psychology, and Psychology of Gender. Dr. Jay currently supervises doctoral students in clinical psychology at the University of Virginia.
Dr. Jay has served as a fellow for the American Psychoanalytic Association, the Center for the Study of Sexual Cultures, and the Robert Stoller Foundation.
Dr. Jay earned a B.A. with High Distinction in psychology from University of Virginia. She spent her own early twentysomething years as an Outward Bound instructor.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 153 reviews
October 7, 2022
Świetna książka dla bliskich osób po przejściach + dla osób na początku drogi zdrowienia ze złych doświadczeń.
Trudne dzieciństwo może nas zahartować, ale… jakim kosztem?
Trudne dzieciństwo może nas zahartować, ale… jakim kosztem?
December 30, 2017
I pick up different books for different reasons. Some I choose because I'm ready to go on an extraordinary adventure. Others are chosen for as a way to escape into light, happy fun. Still others I choose with an eye towards learning, professionally or personally. This book about resilience was chosen with my "teacher brain" as a way to dig into psychological experiences my students may have, and tips to support them. Written by psychologist Meg Jay, this book relates stories and lessons from resilient clients she works with who have faced tremendous adversity in their lives.
On starting the book, I immediately began searching for the deeper take-away message. What I was getting from the first few chapters was, "Supernormals (i.e. resilient people who have experienced notable adversity, particularly in their childhood) will be alright. Adversity doesn't necessary cause a lot of damage - or more accurately, lasting damage - to people. Sometimes, facing adversity can lead to benefits." Hmm... in my teacher brain I was not liking the message. Is it really productive to downplay the harm that adversity can do to children? Teachers need to be alert to adversities and try to combat them, not brush them off because kids will be alright. I almost put down the book.
Something kept me reading though and I'm glad it did. The lens through which I read the author's many illustrative stories about her clients began to shift. Instead of seeing each client as a past/future student, I started to see in each client a little bit of myself. It was unsettling and I felt a little vulnerable reading and relating to each story. The message that I had initially picked up on - supernormal will be alright, damage doesn't last, etc. - transformed into YOU will be alright. YOU are not damaged. YOU are better for your experiences. When I began to see myself in every story, the book and message became transformative and deeply healing. Reading about Jay's therapy sessions was a lot like attending therapy myself. In that way writing this review is a little uncomfortable too. Who publicly reviews therapy sessions? However, this book is so excellent that I want to share honestly why you should probably read it too.
Many, many readers will get something out of this book. Jay suggests that young adults are those for whom life's adversities are most fresh and readily available to the mind, so I would especially suggest this book to younger readers. Everyone will see themselves in at least some of Jay's stories because who hasn't faced adversity in their lives? You will learn something about yourself or someone close to you.
On starting the book, I immediately began searching for the deeper take-away message. What I was getting from the first few chapters was, "Supernormals (i.e. resilient people who have experienced notable adversity, particularly in their childhood) will be alright. Adversity doesn't necessary cause a lot of damage - or more accurately, lasting damage - to people. Sometimes, facing adversity can lead to benefits." Hmm... in my teacher brain I was not liking the message. Is it really productive to downplay the harm that adversity can do to children? Teachers need to be alert to adversities and try to combat them, not brush them off because kids will be alright. I almost put down the book.
Something kept me reading though and I'm glad it did. The lens through which I read the author's many illustrative stories about her clients began to shift. Instead of seeing each client as a past/future student, I started to see in each client a little bit of myself. It was unsettling and I felt a little vulnerable reading and relating to each story. The message that I had initially picked up on - supernormal will be alright, damage doesn't last, etc. - transformed into YOU will be alright. YOU are not damaged. YOU are better for your experiences. When I began to see myself in every story, the book and message became transformative and deeply healing. Reading about Jay's therapy sessions was a lot like attending therapy myself. In that way writing this review is a little uncomfortable too. Who publicly reviews therapy sessions? However, this book is so excellent that I want to share honestly why you should probably read it too.
Many, many readers will get something out of this book. Jay suggests that young adults are those for whom life's adversities are most fresh and readily available to the mind, so I would especially suggest this book to younger readers. Everyone will see themselves in at least some of Jay's stories because who hasn't faced adversity in their lives? You will learn something about yourself or someone close to you.
September 15, 2022
Bardzo merytoryczna książka napisana przez doświadczoną autorkę z ogromem wiedzy, ale niestety odbiłem się całkowicie od tej formy. Z jednej strony jest całkiem prosta i przystępna, ale z drugiej bardzo schematyczna, z odnoszeniem się do tych samych przykładów w kółko. Nie wiem, czy Meg Jay jest fanką komiksów i superbohaterów, ale z czasem kolejne wspomnienia o Kryptonicie czy origin story Spidermana zaczęły mnie irytować. Spodziewałem się czegoś innego, niestety pozycja nie dla mnie.
November 7, 2019
Книга сподобалася мені менше, ніж "Важливі роки", але вона, всеж таки, досить непогана.
Напочатку авторка дає коротку довідку, зрозумілою мовою, про вплив стресу на мозок, таку як у всіх сучасних автоів, бо всі вони посилаються на ті самі дослідження (що непогано). Далі вона перераховує різноманітні варіанти складного дитинства, з прикладами зі своєї практиками та поясненнями як це відбивалося на людях, що мали таке минуле. Крім загальнорозумілого, як різні види насилля в родині з боку батьків чи узалежненість одного з них, М.Джей також включила сюди насильство, фізичне, сексуальне та емоційне, з боку сиблінгів, смерть сиблінга, сиблінга з особливими потребами, ув'язнених батьків, та ментально хворих батьків. Отсанні категорії взагалі зустрічаються у списках "складних умов дитинства", проте вони також можуть бути страс-факторами та обставинами, що ускладнюють "страрт".
Мені здалося цінним, що авторка підкрслює - немає якоїсь "шкали тяжкості дитинства", треба поважати індивідульні реакцію людини на її минуле, і свої власні теж.
Напочатку авторка дає коротку довідку, зрозумілою мовою, про вплив стресу на мозок, таку як у всіх сучасних автоів, бо всі вони посилаються на ті самі дослідження (що непогано). Далі вона перераховує різноманітні варіанти складного дитинства, з прикладами зі своєї практиками та поясненнями як це відбивалося на людях, що мали таке минуле. Крім загальнорозумілого, як різні види насилля в родині з боку батьків чи узалежненість одного з них, М.Джей також включила сюди насильство, фізичне, сексуальне та емоційне, з боку сиблінгів, смерть сиблінга, сиблінга з особливими потребами, ув'язнених батьків, та ментально хворих батьків. Отсанні категорії взагалі зустрічаються у списках "складних умов дитинства", проте вони також можуть бути страс-факторами та обставинами, що ускладнюють "страрт".
Мені здалося цінним, що авторка підкрслює - немає якоїсь "шкали тяжкості дитинства", треба поважати індивідульні реакцію людини на її минуле, і свої власні теж.
March 10, 2018
This is a must read for anyone who wants to learn more about their own childhood adversity and resilience, or the experience of a loved one. Jay writes in a thoughtful, comprehensive and conversational way that takes you from one page to the next, seamlessly.
Some notes that stood out:
- 75% of children of divorce say it changed them- 2x as likely to say their childhoods were cut short
- in a study of prisoners, the most predictive feature of long term suffering wasn’t the extent of abuse, but their internalization of it
- anger has a bad wrap as being unproductive or unhealthy, but it can be synonymous with passion, garnering action and perseverance
- children often create cover stories, or downplayed, more relatable versions of events to share with peers
- you’re either Batman (hiding your secrets) or iron man (open about it all, not ashamed or hiding)
- people don’t learn from the mistakes of others, but by their observations of negative consequences
Some notes that stood out:
- 75% of children of divorce say it changed them- 2x as likely to say their childhoods were cut short
- in a study of prisoners, the most predictive feature of long term suffering wasn’t the extent of abuse, but their internalization of it
- anger has a bad wrap as being unproductive or unhealthy, but it can be synonymous with passion, garnering action and perseverance
- children often create cover stories, or downplayed, more relatable versions of events to share with peers
- you’re either Batman (hiding your secrets) or iron man (open about it all, not ashamed or hiding)
- people don’t learn from the mistakes of others, but by their observations of negative consequences
March 6, 2018
Interesting and entertaining read that reassures us we are not predestined to any behavior: “When I suggested to Jennifer that, once she had children, rather than becoming more understanding of her parents, she might find she is even less understanding of the choices they made, she began to cry with relief.” Zero reflection on my parents as parents, but much how I feel societally when (especially white old people) say, “That’s just how he was raised.” As a parent now, I say woman up. That’s BS, and we all know it. You are independent of how you are raised and as a parent have a higher calling to answer to: the future.
Your kid needs something? Sit down and listen. You think teenage hormones are personal? They’re not. Get over yourself. Teens need to separate from their parents or they’ll live in our basements forever. The transition can be messy. Choose your reactions accordingly. Resilience? Yes, please. Good read.
Your kid needs something? Sit down and listen. You think teenage hormones are personal? They’re not. Get over yourself. Teens need to separate from their parents or they’ll live in our basements forever. The transition can be messy. Choose your reactions accordingly. Resilience? Yes, please. Good read.
July 5, 2018
Very well written audiobook but I must admit I struggled with this book.
Will try a paper back edition at a later date.
Will try a paper back edition at a later date.
August 16, 2021
Meg Jay, psiholog clinician si profesor de psihologie cu o vasta activitate de peste 20 de ani, isi propune ca prin cartea de fata, Supernormal. Povestea neîmpărtășită a adversității și rezilienței, sa ofere publicului larg o opera de nonfictiune narativa, bazata atat pe studii provenind de la cercetatori, cat si pe povestile de viata auzite in cabinetul personal. Astfel, in cele 18 capitole ale cartii, autoarea abordeaza cateva teme seminificative privind fenomenul rezilientei – termen care inglobeaza la randul sau trei fenomene reprezentative: rezistenta (capacitatea de a face fata vremurilor dificile), refacerea (capacitatea de a-ti reveni dupa un moment dificl) si reconfigurarea (cresterea personala), evidentiind modalitatile prin care supernormalii – acei copiii care, in ciuda sau mai corect spus datorita adversitatilor traite in copilarie -, reusesc sa isi construiasca un drum propriu si multumitor in viata, ajungand adulti responsabili, asumati, dand dovada de un mare grad de empatie, putere si verticalitate. Insa, dupa cum autoarea doreste sa puncteze, „drumul catre rezilienta presupune adeasea o buna doza de suferinta emotionala”, caci desi la suprafata supernormalii par in regula, in profunzime, lupta interioara a acestora este, de cele mai multe ori, titanica. Desi, de cele mai multe ori, violenta naste violenta, cartea de fata infirma acest lucru prin intermediul povestilor reale ale pacientilor lui Jay, voci care si au facut simtite prezenta si care s-au impus in mod pozitiv in ciuda adversitatilor, stresului si traumelor psihice si/sau fizice la care au fost supusi chiar la inceput de drum, cand calea lor ar fi trbuit sa fie pavata cu iubire, grija si sustinere, in schimb acestia confruntandu-se cu nenumarate probleme, cum ar fi alcoolismul sau consumul de droguri al unui parinte, divortul parintilor, violenta verbala, emotionala, fizica, prezenta bolilor grave a unui membru al familiei, relatii violente dintre frati, etc, toate acestea petrecandu se in locul care ar trebui sa fie cel mai sigur pentru dezvoltarea unui copil – casa. De fapt, studiile arata ca domiciliul este cel mai periculos loc din lume, aici avand loc cele mai multe abuzuri. Tot prin intermediul studiilor s-a demonstrat stiintific ca in momentul in care omul face contact cu un mare stres, cum ar fi o potentiala amenintare fizica ori pishica, fiind astfel pus in situatia de lupa sau fugi, creierul nostru reactioneaza prin activarea amigdalei, acea regiune mica sub forma de migdala care are rolul de a gestiona pericolul si care activeaza lantul din sistemul neuroendocrin, ce duce la activarea hormonilor de stres (epinefrina, norepinefrina si cortizol), cei care dicteaza creierelor si corpurilor noastre sa fie in alerta.
Toate aceste informatii dar si multe altele le puteti afla prin intermediul acestei carti care reprezinta o sursa de educare si informare pentru toti cei interesati de psihologia umana.
Toate aceste informatii dar si multe altele le puteti afla prin intermediul acestei carti care reprezinta o sursa de educare si informare pentru toti cei interesati de psihologia umana.
August 29, 2021
Supernormal is about the dysfunctional family type, the family hero. My own definition of the family using the book and internet reference material is the one who is genetically predisposed to being more conscientious, “the responsible one.” This is the one who is successful, is the overachiever, and the one the family relies upon and makes the family feel and appear to have less problems than they actually do. The stories are about adults who were (and maybe still are?) clients for the author Clinical Psychologist Meg Jay and the problems they were affected by as children.
In dysfunctional families, where adversity and resilience is a theme, a variety of problems occur that gives the family the definition. Family members needs are not met in some way. Children may not have the emotional support that they crave, there may be domestics violence or abuse, their material needs may not be met due to economic hardship, substance abuse may occur, they may be one parent families and so on. As a result, the lack of needs that are not met for the child psychologically causes him or her to become overly driven as an adult—my own definition.
The book does contain research, statistics and the history of psychology but were integrated in the story, in my opinion, in a simplistic way.
I could relate to some of the characters in the book in a number of ways and I am able to make sense of my own feelings of being different to others including my friends.
I recommend this book to those who believe they come from dysfunctional families and describe themselves as the family hero.
—————————————————————
Dictionary/Reference Word Count: 35
Grammatical Error Count: 3
In dysfunctional families, where adversity and resilience is a theme, a variety of problems occur that gives the family the definition. Family members needs are not met in some way. Children may not have the emotional support that they crave, there may be domestics violence or abuse, their material needs may not be met due to economic hardship, substance abuse may occur, they may be one parent families and so on. As a result, the lack of needs that are not met for the child psychologically causes him or her to become overly driven as an adult—my own definition.
The book does contain research, statistics and the history of psychology but were integrated in the story, in my opinion, in a simplistic way.
I could relate to some of the characters in the book in a number of ways and I am able to make sense of my own feelings of being different to others including my friends.
I recommend this book to those who believe they come from dysfunctional families and describe themselves as the family hero.
—————————————————————
Dictionary/Reference Word Count: 35
Grammatical Error Count: 3
October 5, 2019
I always loved survivors stories, and I guess that I finally have a somewhat explanation for why:
“The ‘normal man,’” concluded the Goertzels, “is not a likely candidate for the Hall of Fame.”
Through her book Dr. Jay tried to endow the reader with an insight of what it is like to be resilient, or more accurately that there is almost no one has it the easiest way in life... Adversities may vary but their impact is the same on our amygdala anyway, so why should it matter, if you grew up in a poor household, were abused, ...
So naturally I was drawn to the mechanisms that these people develop to thrive, and I was overwhelmed by their determination to change :
“I don’t understand failure,” she said. “If you want to do something badly enough, you make it happen.”
"They set goals and make posters for themselves—“Be excellent!”—and they do this knowing that being excellent comes not just from having some prodigious raw materials but also—or perhaps even more—from being willing and able to put those raw materials to work."
"Excellence, it turns out, is the best deterrent to any form of discrimination based on difference"
I learnt a few things about how people adapt in similar situations, how they try to escape and as a result thrive to become supernormals !
This year I feel like I've read a lot of self-help and therapy related books, but on the overall:
“Life itself,” said psychoanalyst Karen Horney, “still remains a very effective therapist.”
Highly recommend this one !
“The ‘normal man,’” concluded the Goertzels, “is not a likely candidate for the Hall of Fame.”
Through her book Dr. Jay tried to endow the reader with an insight of what it is like to be resilient, or more accurately that there is almost no one has it the easiest way in life... Adversities may vary but their impact is the same on our amygdala anyway, so why should it matter, if you grew up in a poor household, were abused, ...
So naturally I was drawn to the mechanisms that these people develop to thrive, and I was overwhelmed by their determination to change :
“I don’t understand failure,” she said. “If you want to do something badly enough, you make it happen.”
"They set goals and make posters for themselves—“Be excellent!”—and they do this knowing that being excellent comes not just from having some prodigious raw materials but also—or perhaps even more—from being willing and able to put those raw materials to work."
"Excellence, it turns out, is the best deterrent to any form of discrimination based on difference"
I learnt a few things about how people adapt in similar situations, how they try to escape and as a result thrive to become supernormals !
This year I feel like I've read a lot of self-help and therapy related books, but on the overall:
“Life itself,” said psychoanalyst Karen Horney, “still remains a very effective therapist.”
Highly recommend this one !
May 13, 2020
"In the long run, what goes right matters more than what goes wrong."
I love Meg Jay; she is one of my favorite nonfiction authors. Jay can take a vast amount of research and organize it into a digestible, moving narrative. This book explores the idea of family heroes: people who have "overcome" child adversities to achieve extraordinary (or "supernormal") lives. Jay uses psychological studies, world events, her own client's narratives, and more to weave through topics of child adversity and how it affects people into adulthood.
It was difficult for me to find a favorite chapter; they seemed to get better and better as I read. If you like psychology or are in the business of working with people (education, social work, etc.), then you should definitely read this book. Still, if you are human, you must read this book.
*tw: trauma
I love Meg Jay; she is one of my favorite nonfiction authors. Jay can take a vast amount of research and organize it into a digestible, moving narrative. This book explores the idea of family heroes: people who have "overcome" child adversities to achieve extraordinary (or "supernormal") lives. Jay uses psychological studies, world events, her own client's narratives, and more to weave through topics of child adversity and how it affects people into adulthood.
It was difficult for me to find a favorite chapter; they seemed to get better and better as I read. If you like psychology or are in the business of working with people (education, social work, etc.), then you should definitely read this book. Still, if you are human, you must read this book.
*tw: trauma
July 22, 2021
"Copiii ce reușesc să-și depășească traumele au acea trăsătură numită "adoptabilitate", adică instictul de a se face protejați de ceilalți. Atunci când viața este dificilă acasă sau când nu mai au părinți, mulți copii supernormali își găsesc niște părinți surogat sau niște îngrijitori care să compenseze. Uneori ei au un fel de talent la sport, la școală sau în artă - sau mai adesea au un anume tip de personalitate - care atrage atenția membrilor familiei, profesorilor, vecinilor sau prietenilor. Acesta este un aspect important pentru că unul dintre cei mai buni predictori ai unei bune adaptări, după ce au loc experiențe adverse, este sprijinul primit din afară - iar faptul că acești copii sunt "adoptabili" le va atrage atenția celor care ar putea fi de ajutor.[...] Cu cât mai mulți adulți se asociază copilul, cu atât mai probabil este că acesta va face o tranziție încununată de succes către vârsta adultă. Fiecare copil "vulnerabil, dar invincibil" putea da numele a cel puțin unui adult din afara căminului său căruia îi păsa de el."
"Supernormal" este ca o colecție amplă de povești de viață ale persoanelor ce au suferit traume psihologice și au reușit să își depășească suferința sau condițiile de viață nefaste, devenind tineri adulți rezilienți. Adesea, aceștia ajung în terapie cu îndoieli privind propriile lor capacități și fără să fie conștienți de puterea și curajul pe care le-au avut pentru a se confrunta (adesea în secret) cu adversități precum neglijență sau abuz parental (pe fondul alcoolismului, violenței domestice, depresiei, schizofreniei sau tulburărilor de personalitate narcisică sau paranoidă), agresiuni fizice sau bullying (din partea fraților sau colegilor), agresiuni sexuale (din partea apropiaților familiei, fraților sau mentorilor, antrenorilor), pierderea părinților, condiții financiare precare sau stigmă socială. Supernormal = peste normal sau medie, excepțional.
Cartea abundă de studii științifice privind modurile cum tindem să facem față diverselor adversități, explicând atât reacțiile dăunătoare pe termen lung (ca urmare a mecanismelor de apărare utile supraviețuirii pe termen scurt = în copilărie), cât și beneficiile sprijinului social, ale împărtășirii suferinței și... ale iubirii.
"Supernormal" este ca o colecție amplă de povești de viață ale persoanelor ce au suferit traume psihologice și au reușit să își depășească suferința sau condițiile de viață nefaste, devenind tineri adulți rezilienți. Adesea, aceștia ajung în terapie cu îndoieli privind propriile lor capacități și fără să fie conștienți de puterea și curajul pe care le-au avut pentru a se confrunta (adesea în secret) cu adversități precum neglijență sau abuz parental (pe fondul alcoolismului, violenței domestice, depresiei, schizofreniei sau tulburărilor de personalitate narcisică sau paranoidă), agresiuni fizice sau bullying (din partea fraților sau colegilor), agresiuni sexuale (din partea apropiaților familiei, fraților sau mentorilor, antrenorilor), pierderea părinților, condiții financiare precare sau stigmă socială. Supernormal = peste normal sau medie, excepțional.
Cartea abundă de studii științifice privind modurile cum tindem să facem față diverselor adversități, explicând atât reacțiile dăunătoare pe termen lung (ca urmare a mecanismelor de apărare utile supraviețuirii pe termen scurt = în copilărie), cât și beneficiile sprijinului social, ale împărtășirii suferinței și... ale iubirii.
November 21, 2021
Many of us had ACE, so it was difficult to listen to some familiar stories. However, Dr. Jay provides hope and recognizes strengths adults with ACE can develop in their careers. Although the extent to this is different for every individual, ACE can help an individual to survive and thrive as much as it leaves consequential harm on one’s body.
Key points:
Nothing is more harmful than lacking a social support after one experiences ACE.
Emotional abuse, more than physical abuse, causes detrimental health issues later in one’s life.
Children with ACE finds a safe haven in places such as school, activities, and sometimes even in solitude as it can be the safest place for them to exist.
Key points:
Nothing is more harmful than lacking a social support after one experiences ACE.
Emotional abuse, more than physical abuse, causes detrimental health issues later in one’s life.
Children with ACE finds a safe haven in places such as school, activities, and sometimes even in solitude as it can be the safest place for them to exist.
July 19, 2018
In the Defining Decade, I think Meg Jay used her professional experience to craft new insight into the Millennial experience of early adulthood. Supernormal, on the other hand, retreads a lot of ground on resilience, adverse childhood experiences, and survival adaptations without adding much new or exciting insight. A worthwhile read if you are looking for an introduction into the strengths and habits born of troubled childhoods, but not a great read for those who are already familiar with resilience research.
February 15, 2018
It's going to be awhile before I find the right words for what I think about "Supernormal." So much to digest. It's a little overwhelming to be thrown into the lives of the resilient kids and the adults they become, heartbreaking, and hopeful. So, for right now, I'm going with... Wow.
May 4, 2024
that one chapter got a little tooo real i had to step back for a moment. but i love meg jay (defining decade, anyone?)
February 21, 2024
This book was super inspiring and educational. It encourages you to keep an open mind with people because you never know what they are going through. Even more so it pushes a positive mindset, reminding us that even through hardships we can always work through it towards the good. Written by a therapist, reading this book is like visiting therapy yourself. Can’t wait for more from this author!
My favourite passage has to be the end and the most inspiring, yet personal part of the book.
Meg Jay writes “Own the fighter within. Be empowered by your ability to be strong and to bound over obstacles in your way. There is no need to feel bad about the times you have been angry, to feel ashamed for refusing to accept things the way they are. This is how family heroes survive and strive but, remember, you need to find ways to create some peace for yourself too. Find someone to tell your secrets to. If that person says the wrong thing, try someone else. And soon. This will get easier, and your story will become more organized and understandable with every telling. It will probably become shorter as well. Even and especially if you were not taken good care of as a child, take good care of yourself as an adult. Find a physician and get a physical once a year. Tell him or her that you have a history of childhood adversity because he or she will not know it by looking at you. Sleep eight hours a night. Eat well. Play well. Exercise well. Work well, which includes taking time off. Start now. The good does not win out in the end if your life is cut short because of chronic stress. If you think you may be living with depression or anxiety or insomnia or some other stress-related illness, treat it like the brain health problem that it is. Find a therapist, or tell your regular doctor. Remember that to struggle does not disqualify you from being a resilient person or a good person, and neither does sometimes feeling like an anti-hero. If, however you are leaning on substances to cope, try leaning on people instead. They are better for you. So are yoga and meditation,but these are not the only ways to reduce your stress. Clear your mind or painful thoughts and feelings by becoming absorbed in what feels natural to you: Reading. Podcasts. Biking. Knitting. Running. Nature. Movies. Mental distancing is a power all in its own. And physical distancing is just fine too. Some hurtful relationships may improve with time, but many will not. If it would be helpful to you to make amends with someone who has hurt you, give it a try. If it will only bring you more heartbreak, you have permission to stay away. Avoid relatives-partners or bosses who are retraumatizing. It is wise to protect yourself from dangerous people but be sure your armour is not too tight to let love in. Help the good people in your life have more presence than the bad. Write out a list of those you feel grateful for, and maybe some heartfelt letters, too. Put pictures and reminders of those who have mattered out where you can see them everyday. Fight for their importance in your life, in your brain, just maybe they once fought for yours. Make something of your present so your past does not look so large. As you go along, resist the temptation to compare your hardships or triumphs to those of others. We all have different definitions of success and adversity, and of ordinary and normal too. Find people to love and to love you back, and remember they maybe come from all backgrounds. There is no need to pick sides in life, to restrict yourself from those who have suffered as you have: a diversity of perspectives enriches us all. Nor is it fair to assume that those who have had average, expectable upbringings are better suited for living than you are. This simply is not so. If you have children, be the parent you wish you had. Create the home you always wanted. Yet resist the impulse to protect your children from every hurt, as well as the urge to toughen them up. Life will send its slings and arrows, and when it does; Listen. Validate. Name. Empathize. Problem Solve. Love. You know what to do. All the things you may wish someone had done for you. And as often as you can, be good to yourself, and to those you encounter. It may not be true that everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle, as we know by now, a great many people are.”
My favourite passage has to be the end and the most inspiring, yet personal part of the book.
Meg Jay writes “Own the fighter within. Be empowered by your ability to be strong and to bound over obstacles in your way. There is no need to feel bad about the times you have been angry, to feel ashamed for refusing to accept things the way they are. This is how family heroes survive and strive but, remember, you need to find ways to create some peace for yourself too. Find someone to tell your secrets to. If that person says the wrong thing, try someone else. And soon. This will get easier, and your story will become more organized and understandable with every telling. It will probably become shorter as well. Even and especially if you were not taken good care of as a child, take good care of yourself as an adult. Find a physician and get a physical once a year. Tell him or her that you have a history of childhood adversity because he or she will not know it by looking at you. Sleep eight hours a night. Eat well. Play well. Exercise well. Work well, which includes taking time off. Start now. The good does not win out in the end if your life is cut short because of chronic stress. If you think you may be living with depression or anxiety or insomnia or some other stress-related illness, treat it like the brain health problem that it is. Find a therapist, or tell your regular doctor. Remember that to struggle does not disqualify you from being a resilient person or a good person, and neither does sometimes feeling like an anti-hero. If, however you are leaning on substances to cope, try leaning on people instead. They are better for you. So are yoga and meditation,but these are not the only ways to reduce your stress. Clear your mind or painful thoughts and feelings by becoming absorbed in what feels natural to you: Reading. Podcasts. Biking. Knitting. Running. Nature. Movies. Mental distancing is a power all in its own. And physical distancing is just fine too. Some hurtful relationships may improve with time, but many will not. If it would be helpful to you to make amends with someone who has hurt you, give it a try. If it will only bring you more heartbreak, you have permission to stay away. Avoid relatives-partners or bosses who are retraumatizing. It is wise to protect yourself from dangerous people but be sure your armour is not too tight to let love in. Help the good people in your life have more presence than the bad. Write out a list of those you feel grateful for, and maybe some heartfelt letters, too. Put pictures and reminders of those who have mattered out where you can see them everyday. Fight for their importance in your life, in your brain, just maybe they once fought for yours. Make something of your present so your past does not look so large. As you go along, resist the temptation to compare your hardships or triumphs to those of others. We all have different definitions of success and adversity, and of ordinary and normal too. Find people to love and to love you back, and remember they maybe come from all backgrounds. There is no need to pick sides in life, to restrict yourself from those who have suffered as you have: a diversity of perspectives enriches us all. Nor is it fair to assume that those who have had average, expectable upbringings are better suited for living than you are. This simply is not so. If you have children, be the parent you wish you had. Create the home you always wanted. Yet resist the impulse to protect your children from every hurt, as well as the urge to toughen them up. Life will send its slings and arrows, and when it does; Listen. Validate. Name. Empathize. Problem Solve. Love. You know what to do. All the things you may wish someone had done for you. And as often as you can, be good to yourself, and to those you encounter. It may not be true that everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle, as we know by now, a great many people are.”
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 30, 2021
I guess I was expecting this book to be more academic, something that talks mostly about theory, research, and data on resilience. So I was disappointed to find out this is a book with many stories on childhood adversity. It was still an interesting read. A few things I picked up:
* what people do is more important than what people say, as a result, most supernormal are shrewd observers of the world, who are also cognitively and emotional flexible
* things will only start to make sense when you can put words to it, words force a shift from the amygdala to the prefrontal cortex. When we work with words, reason begins to supplant emotion
* people who are good at hiding their distress will appear more resilient than those who do not
* when a child grows up in an environment that is not good enough, it is always the child who does most of the adapting
* the essence of trauma is that the past is always present
* love and relationship are the ultimate healing pathway to trauma
* in the long run, what goes right matters more than what goes wrong
* what people do is more important than what people say, as a result, most supernormal are shrewd observers of the world, who are also cognitively and emotional flexible
* things will only start to make sense when you can put words to it, words force a shift from the amygdala to the prefrontal cortex. When we work with words, reason begins to supplant emotion
* people who are good at hiding their distress will appear more resilient than those who do not
* when a child grows up in an environment that is not good enough, it is always the child who does most of the adapting
* the essence of trauma is that the past is always present
* love and relationship are the ultimate healing pathway to trauma
* in the long run, what goes right matters more than what goes wrong
March 31, 2023
second book I’ve read by this author and was another hit!! very interesting book about how people overcome adversity in life and thrived. I like that this one felt less “self-help”-y than the defining decade. a lot more evidence, studies, and sharing anecdotes about people’s actual experiences. I learned about so many new studies and fun facts! also liked how the book interwove the anecdotal and more academic evidence. it flowed really well between storytelling and academic paper vibes.
one critique: I wish there was more discussion of adversity outside of childhood. many of the people picked for this had trauma in their younger years and as adults had mostly overcome it and succeeded. not that the author has to cover every experience, I just felt like that one was left out of the “supernormal.”
thank you taylor weimer for the rec ❤️
one critique: I wish there was more discussion of adversity outside of childhood. many of the people picked for this had trauma in their younger years and as adults had mostly overcome it and succeeded. not that the author has to cover every experience, I just felt like that one was left out of the “supernormal.”
thank you taylor weimer for the rec ❤️
November 12, 2017
I was a goodreads giveaway winner of this book. "Supernormal" is from is written by clinical Psychologist, Meg Jay. She writes of clients who have survived their childhoods. She lists many subjects of what her clients have gone through to make them "supernormal" Some of her clients had abusive parents or siblings, others had parents who divorced and rarely saw the other parent, she writes of clients whose parents were drug addicts or were mentally ill and many other obstacles they faced in childhood and are now trying to live their adult lives. she writes about how they had to learn to be resilient. Pretty good book on learning to cope with that not so perfect childhood.
April 24, 2024
A brilliant novel that lends words to the feelings and experiences that so often defy human language. Meg Jay does a great job at illustrating the science and impact of adversity in all its forms. Stories of others lend a cohesive narrative through all the forms of adversity while Jay’s writing brings the true weight of these struggles to life. A book for those who want to understand they aren’t alone and just how connected they actually are in a world of people battling through life towards success
January 28, 2018
Supernormal takes us on a journey through the lives of the authors patients. It shows us how many of the things we've gone through others have as well. It shows us that we aren't alone. It shows us we are resilient.
October 3, 2024
3,5
Momentami za dużo było tych superbohaterów, choć rozumiem, że mieli oni być klamrą spinającą każdy rozdział. Osobiście trochę mi przeszkadzali, a odniesienia nie zawsze wydawały mi się sensowne. Poza tym jednak bardzo polecam każdemu, kto jest supernormalsem albo ma wokół siebie kogoś takiego
Momentami za dużo było tych superbohaterów, choć rozumiem, że mieli oni być klamrą spinającą każdy rozdział. Osobiście trochę mi przeszkadzali, a odniesienia nie zawsze wydawały mi się sensowne. Poza tym jednak bardzo polecam każdemu, kto jest supernormalsem albo ma wokół siebie kogoś takiego
June 16, 2018
This was an EXCELLENT book.
Thoroughly interesting to look at adversity in a slightly different light.
Thoroughly interesting to look at adversity in a slightly different light.
January 1, 2022
Waarschijnlijk het belangrijkste boek dat we in 2021 lazen/luisterden. Grote aanrader voor zowat iedereen wiens jeugd niet ideaal was.
September 7, 2022
Felt it had insightful things to be said about the way people grow up under adversity, many of which I resonated with
dnf
January 24, 2025DNF’d quickly at chapter 1. I’m sure it’s very good but it’s not what I’m looking for right now and I could keep it in my TBR graveyard and get back to it one but, but also, life’s too short and all that.
March 1, 2021
Audio
Really interesting perspective of the effect of childhood and early trauma and how adults can still be ok - despite and because of those early experiences. So many people use this as an excuse but many more rise above their upbringing.
One thing I have learned is that many, many people feel isolated with similar problems, unaware that they are not as alone or as different as they think.
Meg Jay, Supernormal: The Untold Story of Adversity and Resilience
Among the most supported theories is that what is actually most useful about telling our secrets goes further than simple stress release; putting our experiences into words helps us begin to make sense of our thoughts and feelings. Remember, especially for children, secrets are often the product of moments when we say to ourselves, if we say anything at all, “There are no words. I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t know where to put that.” What does it mean, then, to take a feeling or an experience and, literally, “put it into words”? Words are labels and categories. They are boxes that organize the scattered contents of our minds. So when we talk about our experiences we are sorting them out, whether we intend to be or not, just by putting them into places where they might fit. We are able to say, “There are words. I do know what to do with that. I do know where to put that.” The very act of doing so makes our most confusing or disturbing experiences more organized and understandable, and it makes them less scary and upsetting as well. Like P. D. James said about the detective story, putting feelings into words can be a restoration of order.
Meg Jay, Supernormal: The Untold Story of Adversity and Resilience
Education is an intervention,
Meg Jay, Supernormal: The Untold Story of Adversity and Resilience
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. —Maya Angelou
Meg Jay, Supernormal: The Untold Story of Adversity and Resilience
To benefit from the anger that we fell, we must move from being a victim to being an activist, at least on our own behalf.
Meg Jay, Supernormal: The Untold Story of Adversity and Resilience
Success often came not from being in the right place at the right time, but from being able to recognise being in the right place at the right time.
Meg Jay, Supernormal
When we cannot connect something we see or hear to something we have seen or heard before, or when the words will simply not do an experience justice, "trauma mocks language," says feminists scholar Leigh Gilmore, "and it confronts it with its insufficiency." We literally do not know how to think about it. The unlinkable is unthinkable.
Meg Jay, Supernormal: The Untold Story of Adversity and Resilience
To benefit from the anger that we feel, we must move from being a victim to being an activist, at least on our own behalf.
Really interesting perspective of the effect of childhood and early trauma and how adults can still be ok - despite and because of those early experiences. So many people use this as an excuse but many more rise above their upbringing.
One thing I have learned is that many, many people feel isolated with similar problems, unaware that they are not as alone or as different as they think.
Meg Jay, Supernormal: The Untold Story of Adversity and Resilience
Among the most supported theories is that what is actually most useful about telling our secrets goes further than simple stress release; putting our experiences into words helps us begin to make sense of our thoughts and feelings. Remember, especially for children, secrets are often the product of moments when we say to ourselves, if we say anything at all, “There are no words. I don’t know what to do with that. I don’t know where to put that.” What does it mean, then, to take a feeling or an experience and, literally, “put it into words”? Words are labels and categories. They are boxes that organize the scattered contents of our minds. So when we talk about our experiences we are sorting them out, whether we intend to be or not, just by putting them into places where they might fit. We are able to say, “There are words. I do know what to do with that. I do know where to put that.” The very act of doing so makes our most confusing or disturbing experiences more organized and understandable, and it makes them less scary and upsetting as well. Like P. D. James said about the detective story, putting feelings into words can be a restoration of order.
Meg Jay, Supernormal: The Untold Story of Adversity and Resilience
Education is an intervention,
Meg Jay, Supernormal: The Untold Story of Adversity and Resilience
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. —Maya Angelou
Meg Jay, Supernormal: The Untold Story of Adversity and Resilience
To benefit from the anger that we fell, we must move from being a victim to being an activist, at least on our own behalf.
Meg Jay, Supernormal: The Untold Story of Adversity and Resilience
Success often came not from being in the right place at the right time, but from being able to recognise being in the right place at the right time.
Meg Jay, Supernormal
When we cannot connect something we see or hear to something we have seen or heard before, or when the words will simply not do an experience justice, "trauma mocks language," says feminists scholar Leigh Gilmore, "and it confronts it with its insufficiency." We literally do not know how to think about it. The unlinkable is unthinkable.
Meg Jay, Supernormal: The Untold Story of Adversity and Resilience
To benefit from the anger that we feel, we must move from being a victim to being an activist, at least on our own behalf.
July 22, 2017
With things like trigger warnings and safe spaces, one wonders if resilience is being pushed into the background these days, when it should always be in the foreground. It’s the resilient who survive all odds, not those who need super special care and attention due to past adversities. Author Meg Jay looks at resilient individuals in this book, and tries to enlighten readers as to why some can overcome bad childhoods, while others seem unable to do so. Why were some superkids, who did well in school and went on to successful careers, while others reacted to childhood problems in such negative ways that their adult lives are still harnessed to their childhood traumas?
There are lots of personal stories told, and Dr. Jay’s analysis of what went on and is going on in the lives of her supernormal clients is neither condescending nor overly analytical. Yes, her clients are called supernormal, but they still have very normal fears and emotional dilemmas. Yet Dr. Jay’s clients have gone forward in life in very admirable ways, and have beat some tough odds. She noted, too, that adversity is not rare during the childhood years. Hence, seeing those who face childhood violence, abandonment, neglect, poverty, etc. as a minority group is not the correct way to view them. Moreover, perceiving one’s childhood suffering as special isn’t the most accurate way to perceive it.
As a final note, for those who are interested in sibling victimization, this book does take a strong look at that, and relates how sibling abuse is one of the most common, as well as the least reported, type of childhood abuse. One sibling abuse story concerned a very violent and scary mentally ill sister. Another tells the story of a woman with a special needs brother who went after her once with a butcher knife, and whose own emotional needs growing up were greatly overlooked by her parents. The sister in the first story went on to have a successful career and happy family life. The sister in the second went on to get both a medical degree and a law degree. It is these resilient individuals who deserve more attention from society and the mass media, not the nonresilient.
(Note: I received a free ARC of this book from Amazon Vine.)
There are lots of personal stories told, and Dr. Jay’s analysis of what went on and is going on in the lives of her supernormal clients is neither condescending nor overly analytical. Yes, her clients are called supernormal, but they still have very normal fears and emotional dilemmas. Yet Dr. Jay’s clients have gone forward in life in very admirable ways, and have beat some tough odds. She noted, too, that adversity is not rare during the childhood years. Hence, seeing those who face childhood violence, abandonment, neglect, poverty, etc. as a minority group is not the correct way to view them. Moreover, perceiving one’s childhood suffering as special isn’t the most accurate way to perceive it.
As a final note, for those who are interested in sibling victimization, this book does take a strong look at that, and relates how sibling abuse is one of the most common, as well as the least reported, type of childhood abuse. One sibling abuse story concerned a very violent and scary mentally ill sister. Another tells the story of a woman with a special needs brother who went after her once with a butcher knife, and whose own emotional needs growing up were greatly overlooked by her parents. The sister in the first story went on to have a successful career and happy family life. The sister in the second went on to get both a medical degree and a law degree. It is these resilient individuals who deserve more attention from society and the mass media, not the nonresilient.
(Note: I received a free ARC of this book from Amazon Vine.)
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