TLDR, avoiding in-depth commentary and spoilers: I love love love this book. Buy it, read it, support it. Brilliant, realistic characters; excellent queer representation; thrilling mystery; important themes; beautiful writing. Essential reading. SERIOUSLY BUY IT.
Full review: This was our second book club read and I’m pleased to say it was much better received than the first. We did it over the space of five weeks, and for the first few chats we didn’t actually have much specific to say other then ‘yep, liking it, WAYYY better than Beast Player’. (I did have a LOT of notes by the end though.) It was naturally a pretty quick read for all of us that we didn’t want to put down in between chats, but I think in a way I’m glad I experienced it this way because I got to know these characters for so much longer and I think if I were reading it alone I’d have done it in one go, and still loved it, but not connected in as much of a lasting way.
First of all, the writing style was so far up my street it had moved into my house. Straight away I was on board with the subtle, dry humour and pop culture references, and the first note I made was ‘I think I’m gonna like this guy’. He earned himself extra points with his impeccable grammar and using the word ‘nauseated’ instead of ‘nauseous’ which basically had me ready to marry him then and there. But beyond that, it was just absolutely beautiful throughout. The writing was clever, sensual, immersive and emotive. At one point he described a lake as ‘jealous’ which stuck with me as a truly tasty bit of personification, and there were so many examples of that simply gorgeous command of language. He had an uncanny ability to make me feel the emotions he was exploring on the page, so I was experiencing genuine peril at the car crash, heart wrenching grief at - let’s face it, multiple points - and bittersweet nostalgia at Dylan leaving his childhood home. The nuance in the way the book looked at emotion deserves a medal. Seeing the way grief manifested as anger, sadness, love and so many different, often conflicting, emotions simultaneously, really highlighted the complex, non-linear nature of human feeling and helped these characters to appear truer and more relatable.
Plot-wise, right from the off it set things up so well, and really had the intrigue coming into play. It was such a gripping mystery, with multiple turns and a really interesting format to the slow reveal. The pacing was also brilliant, with enough to keep the mystery alive without revealing too much, and then a suitably frantic final chunk that somehow didn’t feel rushed. It sounds contradictory, but every week we were talking theories and speculating on the who did what of it all, whilst also maintaining that this book didn’t predominantly feel like a thriller, but that it was more focused on the characters, their relationship and the story they wanted to tell than the actual crimey angle. It’s such a skill to be able to strike that balance and write something genuinely exciting and mysterious, but also make me feel like I could’ve read 500 pages of these characters having a picnic and been just as satisfied.
Those characters had so much personality and heart, and developed beautifully over the course of the book. Dylan is a real meaty narrator who moves far beyond the awkward, nerdy, gay boy we often see in YA and I was so in love with him. Ellis is equally lovable and I really appreciated how the author used flashbacks as well as his drawings in the present day sections to give us insight into his personality and continue developing him beyond his death. I also adored Mike and was so impressed by the approach to friendship in the book. Male centred stories are rare enough in YA, but books that fully explore male friendship in healthy ways and portray platonic love so unashamedly seem to be even rarer, so it was incredibly refreshing to read. Whilst the friendship was amazing, Mike was still a brilliant, rounded character in his own right, and what I loved was that he wasn’t only a friend to Dylan, but Dylan was a friend to him. It’s easy for books to centre the main character almost to the point of leaving you wondering if the best friend ceases to exist when they’re not interacting with the MC since their only purpose seems to be furthering the MC’s story, but this couldn’t be farther from the truth with Mike. Honestly, there wasn’t a wasted character in this - even side characters like Ollie and Gemma had so much depth, and really rang true as real people going through complex things. I can’t turn off the youth worker in me and I always see teenagers as more than a couple of bad decisions, so I love authors who can *really* write nuance and make us dislike characters or disagree with their actions whilst still understanding their motivations and feeling empathy for them. I was just so connected to all these characters and invested in their relationships and felt all their emotions so deeply.
Along with the outstanding cast, the queer representation is some of the best I’ve read. With such developed characters, they’re naturally going to be more realistic, and I just loved how specific and descriptive it all was. Ellis was unapologetically himself, and that self was a man who was incredibly artistic, loved to dance, wore pearls every day and could also throw a punch, enjoy a beer, and kick a football better than most guys on the team. The best thing about it was that none of it felt forced or unrealistic. It didn’t feel like the author had given him some ‘manly’ traits just to avoid him being ‘too camp’ or that he’d actively thought about whether he’d be considered a stereotype, or ‘what type of gay’ he was going to be, but rather it just felt like this was honestly who El was.
As well as this, I really appreciated the way the author dealt with sex in the book. As was beautifully articulated by my bestie in our book club chat, so often sex in YA can be blown out of proportion, and particularly in queer YA it can either end up so much the focus that it almost becomes a little fetishised, or conversely be so taboo that its dealt with far too delicately to be realistic. However this painted Dylan and Ellis as two normal teenagers who get horny and have sexual encounters exactly in line with their straight counterparts, and it was a breath of fresh air to read.
The approach to family also really spoke to me, and I felt like every set of parents in the book was a very real representation of different kids’ lives. Yes, the extremes absolutely exist, where parents are outright abusive and kick their kids out for being gay, or where they’re so wonderfully supportive they take in kids when they’ve been turned away everywhere else, but the grey area also exists and seeing this explored is so important. There are so many people who really do have that outlook of ‘yeah it’s a shame you don’t wanna forgive us but also we don’t really wanna change our minds so we do kinda love you but we also kinda don’t care if you move out’ when it comes to queer kids. And even with the more supportive adults in the book we see that these things aren’t black and white. You can absolutely love and support a child and also know that you can’t offer them what they need, and even when you make choices to not do everything in your power it still doesn’t mean you’re not doing enough. The whole approach to family in general was amazing and I loved the focus on found and chosen family, because that’s such a reality for so many queer people so it was incredibly validating to see that relatable representation.
This book completely had its values straight, with inclusion at its heart, and everything about the queerness spoke of genuine lived and observed experience from the author rather than assumption or shallow research. There was so much perfect social commentary on the treatment of LGBT+ people, woven into sections like its dismantling of the ‘gay best friend’ trope and its literal smackdown of homophobia. It was so passionate and unapologetic in its approach of centring queer experiences, and completely unwilling to bend or pander to the status quo. It really felt like a book that had been written for these characters and all the queer kids like them, and any straight readers were called out and told ‘you need to do better’. Especially towards the end, and with the inclusion of that particular Martin Luther King quote closing the book and serving as a call to arms for readers to effect change, I could easily see it making some people feel quite defensive and uncomfortable, which feels like a very bold move, and one I respect Hussey immeasurably for.
The big reveal of what happened to El over Christmas had a huge impact on me. I feel like the phrase ‘gut punch’ gets used quite a lot in reviews and it’s often exaggeration but this time it’s honestly not: I felt the last line of chapter 20 physically. It genuinely knocked the wind out of me and twisted my stomach. I really did not see that coming and it’s a testament to how good the writing is that I cared so much to have that response. It made me so fucking angry, and that feeling hasn’t really dissipated in the four days since I finished it. I kind of think you shouldn’t be this deep into a review if you’ve not read the book, cos leave *something* to the imagination, but I really can’t talk about this bit in a spoiler free way so if you want to avoid that then read no further. You have been warned.
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I’d suspected the art teacher of being dodgy for a long time but I guess I was sort of expecting some kind of creepy obsession or illicit affair that he couldn’t let go of. I was not expecting outright rape (to be clear, an affair still would have been rape because abuse of power is never ok, but for something to be described on the page as rape evokes quite a different understanding) and whilst it was horrible it was actually quite refreshing to see. There’s often quite unhealthy narratives around queer stories that portray student/teacher ‘affairs’ and it’s like it’s viewed as a little weird but not the completely unacceptable abusive situation it really is and is often even perceived as sexy, but this absolutely didn’t do that and I was so glad it got it right.
I’m hugely passionate about the importance of this topic, advocating for better understanding of abuse, and highlighting that sexual assault and abuse happen to men and boys too, particularly when looking through a queer lens. So whilst it was painful to read, it was absolutely necessary, and I think the way it was done was perfect as well - not too much of a focus, not too deep or graphic, but still really powerful.
The final twist, of who pulled Dylan from the lake, for me, felt like the perfect answer to it all. It was suitably dodgy and mysterious, but didn’t actually involve any malice and more than anything was just sad and unfortunate, which really fit with the overall bitter theme that had started to set it towards the end. I felt like it did justice to the complexity of the story rather than being some out of place shocking murder thing.
The ending itself was also incredibly powerful, and a really clever and beautiful literary device. In chapter 3, while we’re being introduced to the characters and their relationship, we see Dylan planning out their future in a bittersweet little bit of foreshadowing, and then this is perfectly bookended by the final few pages of flashback with them discussing how their story should end. It was absolutely brutal but it also felt kind of like the only way it could have ended and I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s been a good while since I cried at a book but I sobbed like a baby at this.
I think one of the quotes from our early chats in book club kind of sums up this book best: ‘there’s something lurking at the edge of this story and it’s not fucking nice.’ But along with all the darkness, it’s also one of the books I’ve most connected with recently, and there’s so much to praise in it. I really can’t express how much I loved this. This one is sticking around.