Assume Nothing: A Story of Intimate Violence

by Tanya Selvaratnam

Award-winning filmmaker Tanya Selvaratnam bravely recounts the intimate abuse she suffered from former New York State Attorney General Eric Schneiderman, using her story as a prism to examine the domestic violence crisis plaguing America.

When Tanya Selvaratnam met then New York State Attorney General Eric Schneiderman at the Democratic National Convention in July 2016, they seemed like the perfect match. Both were Harvard alumni; both studied Chinese; both were interested in spirituality and meditation, both were well-connected rising stars in their professions—Selvaratnam in entertainment and the art world; Schneiderman in law and politics.

Behind closed doors, however, Tanya’s life was anything but ideal. Schneiderman became controlling, mean, and manipulative. He drank heavily and used sedatives. Sex turned violent, and he called Tanya—who was born in Sri Lanka and grew up in Southern California—his “brown slave.” He isolated and manipulated her, even threatening to kill her if she tried to leave.

Twenty-five percent of women in America are victims of domestic abuse. Tanya never thought she would be a part of this statistic. Growing up, she witnessed her father physically and emotionally abuse her mother. Tanya knew the patterns and signs of domestic violence, and did not see herself as remotely vulnerable. Yet what seemed impossible was suddenly a terrifying reality: she was trapped in a violent relationship with one of the most powerful men in New York.

Sensitive and nuanced, written with the gripping power of a dark psychological thriller, Assume Nothing details how Tanya’s relationship devolved into abuse, how she found the strength to leave—risking her career, reputation, and life—and how she reclaimed her freedom and her voice. In sharing her story, Tanya analyzes the insidious way women from all walks of life learn to accept abuse, and redefines what it means to be a victim of intimate violence.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Feminism, Biography, Audiobook, Abuse, Crime

272 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 23, 2021

About the author

Born in Sri Lanka and raised in Long Beach, CA, Tanya Selvaratnam is a writer and an Emmy-nominated and Webby-winning filmmaker based in New York City and Portland, Oregon. She is the author of Assume Nothing: A Story of Intimate Violence and The Big Lie: Motherhood, Feminism, and the Reality of the Biological Clock. Her essays have been published in the New York Times, Vogue, CNN, NBC News, SheKnows, McSweeney’s, Cosmo, ELLE, and Glamour among others. She is the Senior Director, Gender Justice Narratives at the Pop Culture Collaborative. She has worked with the Ms. Foundation for Women, NGO Forum on Women, Third Wave Fund, The DO School, and World Health Organization. As a producer, Tanya has collaborated with Glamour Women of the Year, Planned Parenthood, Aubin Pictures, Joy To The Polls, The Meteor, Story Syndicate, and the Vision & Justice Project (Harvard University). With Laurie Anderson and Laura Michalchyshyn, she is a cofounder of The Federation; and she has been an advisor to For Freedoms. She has produced films by Gabri Christa, Lisa Cortés, Liz Garbus, Catherine Gund, Tiffany Shlain, Mickalene Thomas, Lucy Walker, Carrie Mae Weems, and Jed Weintrob, among others. Her projects have played on HBO, IFC, PBS, Starz, and the Sundance Channel; and have premiered at Sundance, Berlin, Tribeca, and SXSW. She received her undergraduate and graduate degrees from Harvard University. Tanya has been a fellow at Yaddo and Blue Mountain Center. For more information, please visit: https://linktr.ee/tanyaturnsup

Reviews

[Nina (ninjasbooks) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a eye-opening account of verbal, physical and sexual abuse by a powerful man. I can only admire the author for sharing her experience and preventing him from abusing other women as well. In addition to shedding light on the abuse cycle which might be helpful for others as well, I liked how she also described how pervasive the problem is, backing it up with numbers and research. I knew the numbers was high, but 10 million women is just terrible.

Thanks to the author for sharing.

[Tessa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel really bad not giving this a 4 or 5 star review. It was incredibly brave of Tanya Selvaratnam to come out and tell her story of intimate partner violence at the hands of Eric Schneiderman, then Attorney General of New York State.

Reading her account of the physical and emotional abuse was heartbreaking. There are some especially violent and upsetting things he said and did which have been widely publicized, but actually the passage that upset me the most was when she described Schneiderman drinking to excess while taking Ambien:

He started asking me to hide the bottles from him. I took the task seriously but found it increasingly difficult to find a hiding place he wouldn't discover... And then I thought, 'I'll put the vodka bottle deep in my bag of dirty laundry'... But in the morning, the bottle was empty. He said smugly, 'You didn't do your job.'

That kind of twisted mind game and power dynamic is emblematic of the entire relationship. The book addresses Schneiderman's position of power and clout on the left post-Trump victory in 2016. We on the left need to have a reckoning with a fact that the monsters have been hiding in plain sight on all points on the political spectrum, not just on the right. The book at times addresses that point well, for instance when Selvaratnam explained her reason for coming forward: "Eric would not the first hero to be a fraud, and I wanted to be the last woman he could harm."

Throughout the book there is a feeling that the truth should always come out, even if it's inconvenient, even if it's not at the best time. Schneiderman was championing women publicly and abusing them privately in an intentional and manipulative way and Selvaratnam exposed that.

I can appreciate that it's a powerful story, that Selvaratnam is a very strong person and that it's an important, relevant book to have out there at this time. Despite that, this book just didn't click with me. I think it's down to the writing style which of course is very subjective and may work brilliantly with other readers. The style is very straightforward, analytical, and at times a little awkward. It's almost all sentences that begin with "I." It often felt to me like a journal or notebook rather than a finished memoir. Or even sort of like reading a police report or transcript - impersonal and detached. I often found the conversations a bit stilted and out of context. An example typical of the dialogue in the book:

Back at my apartment building, I bumped into a neighbor.
He said, "We haven't seen you in a while. We wanted to say sorry for what happened. And we support you."
I said, "Thank you."
"I hope it's okay that I'm saying something."
"Yes, it's human. Thank you."

At times the writing jumped quickly between ideas that seemed disconnected to me. The pacing of the book was also awkward. It began with the personal story of what happened in the relationship, and transitioned into a sort of larger commentary about domestic partner violence, and then into the story of Selvaratnam deciding to come forward, and then back into commentary on our national (and to some extent global) situation and what to do about it. The way the story kept expanding and retracting - between statistical analysis and very personal, intimate incidents - was a bit jarring. It kept feeling like she was zooming out to a broader analysis to conclude the book, but then the book kept going.

Some issues around class also made this uncomfortable for me. The book is obviously about people who move in elite, wealthy, and powerful circles but it made my head spin a little bit reading about the amount of wealth and privilege involved, and it was hard to relate to. Selvatnaram describes a tree falling on her second home in Portland: "Luckily, the tree had damaged only an exterior part of the house. Skilled arborists and contractors had put everything back together." The example was used symbolically because just like the abusive relationship it was "a shaking of my foundation, but the house was okay." I was too hung up on the concept of having a New York City apartment, and a second home in one of the country's most expensive cities to live in, and going there so seldom that a huge tree can fall on your house and the damage can be repaired before you ever step foot in it. Not that wealth makes abuse less likely to happen or easier to deal with when it does - I don't believe that - but for me, personally, it caused a disconnect.

For some readers this will definitely be beloved. Due to the writing style, it just wasn't for me.

[Alexandra’s · Rating 3 out of 5]

The really wanted to love this book, but somehow I didn’t. It was an interesting premise for a memoir - a feminist finds herself in an abusive relationship with a powerful man, and how she extracted herself to safety. But somehow, the book was too journalistic, and held back in several emotional parts. Part of what I love about memoirs is that they can be incredibly raw and emotional. And despite the serious subject matter, it was really lacking in this area surprisingly. Instead of descriptive language, it was so factual, almost reading like a research paper with footnotes. Nonetheless, it has some great resources for women on how to identify abusive behaviour and how to get out of a physically/emotionally harmful relationship. And it ended being very hopeful, which is much better than a tragic ending.

[Barbara Carter · Rating 3 out of 5]

First, I want to applaud the author for her bravery in coming forward, especially against someone so powerful as the New York State Attorney General. Eric Scheidernman.

She lives in a world I am not familiar with, one of wealth and privilege. Of people wearing a public mask and not being who they portray themselves to be. another example of how different life is behind closed doors.

I don’t feel this book is a memoir because I would’ve liked much more of her life and her relationship with Eric. For her to really show more of their conversations, and interactions, not so much of the repeated summary of: he slapped and spat on her in bed, etc.

She does list the classic stages of intimate partner violence that victims go through: entrapment, isolation, control, demeaning and abuse.
And that the charming man in the beginning can turn out to be abusive.
As a child she’d witnessed domestic violence in her home. Her father beat her mother.

She does admit that when she met Eric, she’d been recovering from a series of health issues: multiple miscarriages and cancer, and from a divorce. I’m sure this all left her more venerable to the abuse with Eric.

Her story is familiar to me in that I have personally known so many women who are so secure and powerful in their work life, but not when it comes to their intimate partner relationships.

Maybe I’m becoming more critical about what I read or possibly the older I ger the less I’m willing to waste my time on forcing myself to complete a book that no longer holds my interest.
By halfway through this book, I just felt there was too much repetition and not enough connection to the author and I stopped reading.

[Beth-ellen · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’m really not sure what I just finished reading. The author is clearly an extremely bright woman, and a decent writer with a compelling story, but for me the book ultimately fell flat. Was it a memoir? Was it a resource book? It was kind of a jumble. At times it felt like a name-drop list of comments and advice from the author’s friends and people she was referred to for legal and publishing help. And she knows a lot of people. I would have liked there to be more narrative of what Tanya’s life is now...not a multi-page epilogue of the signs of abuse. I do not think her editors did her any favors here.

[Smitha Murthy · Rating 3 out of 5]

The so-called “number” or “rating” given to this book should not be a reflection of Tanya’s incredible bravery, strength, and resilience in standing up, speaking against abuse, and holding a lighted path for anyone who ever had to undergo abuse and harassment. It just means that the book could have been more, far more than it turns out to be, which is a journalistic report of Tanya’s abusive relationship with the former NY attorney general Eric Schneiderman. But it doesn't matter because this is a book that should be read.

And when I finished this, I stood awed. For some reason, the Universe felt it right to bring this book to my attention, but I am grateful. I needed to read this because the more we bring to light the power of our stories, the less we silence our voice, the more we are powerful.

[Jodell · Rating 3 out of 5]

It seems like a lot of men in power such as in politics are involved in domestic violence, and intimate violence headlines. I wonder if it is because they feel invincible. I've seen so many politicians, rich men, powerful men involved. I'm not saying that just regular joe's don't do this sort of thing but I'm wondering just who the fuck do they think they are?

Don't they think that they will ever be exposed? Do they think they are invincible? Weinstein, Epstein, Cumo, Bobby Scott, Trent Franks, Rueben Kihuen, Blake Farentold, John Conyers, Al Franken, Roy Moore, George Bush, Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, Eric Schneiderman. This is not even including actors, directors, entertainers, rich men, like Bill Cosby, O.J. Simpson, Chris Brown, and hundreds more. I just want to know what makes them think they are immune. They say you are only as sick as your darkest secrets.

[Susan Wright · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars. This is quite an alarming but well-told account of how the author (a successful filmmaker/producer) found herself in this shocking & dreadful situation with the then-NY State Attorney General ... and what she did to get out of the relationship & come forward with information about the abuse she endured. She was courageous to risk so much of her personal privacy etc. to come forward & stop the cycle of violence for others. The book also includes useful advice and resources on helping those victimized by intimate violence ... and by trying to put an end to such heinous behavior. Thank you Tanya!

[Tina · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I first started (on page 2) I was hooked. No, this is not only a book about the #metoo movement, it is one woman's hell through mental, emotional and physical abuse. The celebrity is, as far as I am concerned, somewhat irrelevant although her abuser had the potential to ruin her. Having said that though, Tanya also benefitted from a huge pool of friends who could help her.....unlike most abused women.

It does not remove from her horrifying abuse. She stated that she came forward to warn the next woman and that was so very brave. In fact every woman is brave and getting stronger anytime they reach out and share their story.

Well written, honest and certainly not easy to read.

I cried, I cried and I am someone who reads harrowing addiction memoirs by the dozen each year without one tear. Buy this book and share the message.

[Heather · Rating 3 out of 5]

It’s hard writing reviews about books on sensitive topics such as this one. I expected this book to be more focused on her personal experience with intimate partner violence, which it did touch on, but overall it felt like more of an informational/researched book than a memoir/personal account.

[Anjal · Rating 3 out of 5]

felt more journalistic for a memoir but still an important read.

————

i’m here from the time article. really wanna read this!

[Dan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Vital and necessary

Tanya Selvaratnam’s memoir challenges and compels us to face the truth about intimate partner violence. Her writing is direct, immediate, straightforward, and made me both despair and find hope.

[MyPlantsLoveAudiobooks · Rating 2 out of 5]

First, let me say that I admire Selvaratnam's courage and vulnerability. It requires bravery to submit yourself to public scrutiny and the cruelty of strangers on and offline. I appreciate her commitment to sharing resources and prioritizing the needs and safety of people experiencing violence and trauma. My star rating applies only to the writing of this book, not to Selvaratnam's experience. I have no desire to pass judgment on her story. I do feel called to warn others of the very poor quality of writing before they commit to reading this narrative.

The constant repetition frustrated me. We are told numerous times how vulnerable Selvaratnam felt after her divorce in almost the same words each time. It as not as though we would forget?! Anyone willing to read a difficult account like this likely comes to it with a great deal of compassion, a history of trauma or abuse, or a desire to pay attention and hear what Selvaratnam has to say. I am not sure why those readers cannot be trusted to remember that we are talking about the same Jennifer when only a page turn separates one chapter from another. Including Jennifer's last name twice within a few pages (94-97) suggests that this book was written in non-linear sections then pieced together.

While the conversational style and tone may put some readers at ease, I found the grammar errors distracting. I still am not sure exactly what is happening here: "Their memories of the events are different from the victims' but their saying the victims' stories aren't true doesn't mean we can give them the benefit of the doubt" (64-5). Differentiating between perpetrators and victims is crucial and cannot occur with this sentence construction. What I found most troubling, though, was that the hand of an editor was applied so very selectively. For example, on page 110, we read "Do I need to have gotten a black eye to be believed?" By the time we reach page 151, the same sentiment is replaced with "Do I need to have been bruised to be believed?" If Selvaratnam is willing to alter very personal reflections, why not take the time to write with precision and clarity throughout the book?

Selvaratnam has an incredibly important story to tell; I wish she had selected a different medium like long form essay, podcast, or documentary. Or, at the very least, a better editor who would have suggested major changes to make this narrative easier to read. Poor grammar is so jarring that my focus turned away from Selvaratnam's experience towards the quality of this book. I am confident that was not her intention when she set out to write Assume Nothing. Some people believe that we should excuse any and all errors in writing because of the subject matter. I disagree. If I am so distracted by the delivery of the message that I cannot focus, I am no longer able to read with compassion, understanding, or support. Selvaratnam does herself a disservice with this book and it brings me no joy to write this.

[GMP · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel awful giving just 2 stars but know that I admire the bravery of the author. I just didn't appreciate the writing style but wouldn't get into details as this happened in real life. Nonetheless, it's a powerful one. Sending prayers of courage and consolation to the people who are still experiencing any kind of violence these days.

[Julie De La Torre · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every man and woman in the world needs to read this book.

[Anne Scott · Rating 3 out of 5]

Here is a review that puts my thoughts into words better than I can. https://www.goodreads.com/review/show...


So many non sequiturs in this book. For instance, I was five chapters in and she had talked about some of the abuse she endured and then all of a sudden there was a sentence where she stated that Eric didn’t want her to eat chicken? I went back in the book and looked for any prior reference to this and couldn’t find it. There were so many of these bizarre statements when she had given NO DETAILED conversations between the two of them. Just these bizarre statements. The whole book gave references to other books about abuse and other people’s experiences of abuse but very little about her experience. It felt like a work of academia, and not her personal experience. The whole book felt choppy and disjointed. Her chapter about entrapment was more about her childhood than it was about Eric entrapping her. It was about her being a quiet child in school and I kept looking at the chapter heading thinking I was on the wrong chapter. It’s her right not to give gory details about her abuse but there was no logical order or coherence to this story. There was literally more about his prior girlfriend’s experiences than Tanya’s. It was just BIZARRE.

[Zibby Owens · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir is quite a story about the author's experience with abuse and delves into her past about witnessing domestic violence as a child. It also incorporates other personal stories of abuse. The story is told interestingly because the author focuses on the question of: how can this happen? The book is structured kept me reading as it walks the reader through the stages of abuse and shows us how easy it is for anyone to get entangled in an abusive relationship, no matter how smart they are! It also provides resources to spot, stop, and prevent intimate violence from happening in their own lives and to their loved ones.

There was an immediacy to the writing that drew me in immediately. It's a story. It's a reflection. It's factual. But it's also a personal narrative that almost reads like a thriller, watching someone get entangled and trapped, especially as the extraction and the investigation take over.

A couple of passages stood out: "When he first slapped me in the face after we started making love, it happened in the blink of an eye. No man had ever done that to me. He seemed to be testing me. I didn't know what to do. I tried to make sense of it. Before that point, we had gotten to know each other over the course of about six weeks, and I thought of him as a mediator, someone who espoused spirituality and who fought on behalf of vulnerable people. At that moment, I became aware that he could inflict great harm on people. Over time, the slaps got harder and began to be accompanied by demands." Also, when she says, "I didn't realize it at the time, but I was dealing with one kind of abuse that can go on between people in committed relationships, intimate violence, but I had convinced myself that he would be my partner, maybe for life. If I wanted to keep him, I felt I had to let him dominate me. I tolerated the situation because it was disorienting and so disconnected from the person he presented as in public."

To listen to my interview with the author, go to my podcast at:

[Suprita · Rating 5 out of 5]

I appreciated the candor in this book. This is difficult material (which is an understatement) and TS gives herself the grace required to write this book. TS faced an impossible situation—ordinarily, the “law” would offer some protection, but what do to when her partner is both the law and the abuser. It is overwhelmingly sad to understand why TS needed to write this book, and even more so knowing that IPV is not recognized as a form of violence in many communities and bodies of law.

A necessary read for anyone trying to understand what it takes to “prove” IPV, the vast deficiencies of the law, the toll of such relationships, and learn more about folks and resources committed to ending such violence.

[Abel Aguilar · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author's story of her experience of intimate violence is harrowing and important to listen to. She gives good background on what intimate violence is and talks about how systemic issues continue the cycle of violence for women everywhere.
My reasoning for giving 3 stars (3.5 if I could) is because at times it felt like she was wrapping the book up when we were about halfway through. It happened a few times listening to the audiobook. I thought I had a few minutes remaining where there was still 2 or 3 hours left. It's a good book and worthwhile read, but the writing style maybe just wasn't my taste.

[Paul Clarke · Rating 3 out of 5]

When Eric Schneiderman resigned in disgrace as New York State Attorney General in 2018 after multiple women accused him of intimate partner violence, one of the more prominent victims that came forward was the author of ‘Assume Nothing’, Tanya Selvaratnam. Her book is a bit of a mixed bag. Schneiderman comes across every bit the unseemly character seen in the media when the scandal broke. Selvaratnam, while a sympathetic figure in this episode is undermined by a self-righteousness streak. At one point she describes a vacation to Mexico as a statement against the Trump administration treatment of immigrants. Later she claims the only reason she came forward was to make sure that Schneiderman never did this to another woman. Her decision to write a book now after Schneiderman has effectively been put into exile suggests possible other motives. ‘Assume Nothing’ provides us with a shocking but all too common example of power blinding a white male public official. How could Schneiderman the person ever think his treatment of women was OK? How could Schneiderman the AG think he would get away with it?

[Julie Zann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tanya's story is truly chilling in her honestly and blunt truths about intimate partner violence that in reality is much more prevalent than what is portrayed in the media. What's more, her story and path of escape serves as a roadmap for women caught in similar situations. Assume Nothing is beautifully written gift for every woman.

[Winsome Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

An essential book about power and abuse in intimate relationships. Selvaratnam's story helps readers comprehend abusive behavior in their own couple and shows ways to help loved ones who are in abusive relationships.

[Sinead · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wasn’t familiar with this scandal and just picked up this book as it sounded interesting. Tanya was very brave in coming forward and sharing her story and experience. I feel this is a book that be used to help people identify that they are in dangerous relationships.

[Emily Rossiter · Rating 3 out of 5]

one of the books i’m writing my dissertation on

[ry · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fucking ouch. Well written.
4💫

[G.M. White · Rating 4 out of 5]

AUDIOBOOK READ:
what brilliant narration. So captivating and concise.
The book was written so brilliantly with clear descriptions of the events she endured.

What a strong woman.

[Pamelah Antoine · Rating 5 out of 5]

I whizzed through this book as a challenge; it took me two days. It was hard at times to hear the stories from Tanya as she really speaks from the heart in an extremely brilliant way. This book prompted me to have discussions with my sisters about our past and although we were not abused per se, we had a very confusing childhood with emotional disconnects with our parents and their parents. These experiences have left all of us rather baffled and sad, so no matter what happens to people in their lives, it has an undeniable effect.
There are a lot of things I am glad about the way things turned for Tanya. She really used a lot of self-searching, intuition, patience, and friendships to clarify her path forward. This is a good example of perhaps how we all need to navigate our way out of silence about any traumas in our lives. I do hope that this book is read by the younger folks to give them a way out before they become captured in the rhapsody of passion and ignore the reality of morals and ethics. The book also is a very well documented guide to getting help for those in need. Thank you, Tanya, for sharing your story. This book needs to become a documentary so the now generation can see and hear it in 3D.

[Helen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a raw and powerful look into the dynamics of intimate partner violence and the author’s journey within her own abusive relationship. This is a great read for anyone looking for more insight into how these relationships evolve, what it can be like a survivor to extricate themselves, and some of what the healing process can look like. It also provides a substantial appendix of informative resources about domestic violence. It was a powerful read.

[Isabella Bree · Rating 4 out of 5]

I understand that the writing style here isn’t for everyone, but it worked just fine for me, and I’m grateful this book exists. I have a goal of reading as many abuse-/CPTSD-themed memoirs written by women and femmes as possible this year, and Assume Nothing is a worthy entry into that category. I feel like it accomplished precisely what it was created for. I particularly appreciated the author’s frank deliberations on shame and celebrity, as they relate to abusive relationships.

[Sandra Grauschopf · Rating 2 out of 5]

While I admire the author for her bravery in coming forward with this story, I can't give a high reading to the book itself. It was very stilted and unemotional for such an emotional subject. It also had a strange focus, where minor events in the authors life, like tripping over something, were treated with importance for no apparent reason. The same stories were mentioned repeatedly at different points in the book. It ended up feeling more like a book about how she decided to come forward. It felt dry and dispassionate, not what I expected from a memoir like this. But my deepest respect to her for putting her personal safety at risk to warn other women of a predator.