I Love You Rituals : Activities to Build Bonds and Strengthen Relationships With Children

by Becky A. Bailey

This book puts life back in focus, shifting from getting ahead to getting together, from valuing material wealth to valuing one another. This delightful book contains over 75 activities for young children, each designed to build and strengthen the adult-child relationship and facilitate the development of attention, concentration, and self-esteem. Excellent for both parents and teachers.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Family, Education, Adoption, Self Help, Psychology

208 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1996

About the author

Becky A. Bailey, Ph.D., specializes in early childhood education and developmental psychology. Her lectures reach more than 20,000 people annually, and her awards include a Parents' Choice Foundation commendation for three of her parenting audiotapes. She has appeared on CNN, PBS, and The Hour of Power with Dr. Robert Schuller, among other programs. She lives in Oviedo, Florida.

Reviews

[Melanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've had my eye on this book for quite awhile and since it wasn't available at my library, I finally just purchased it.

I LOVE the premise of this book- to create small rituals that we do with our children to let them know we love them. One I've done with my kids for quite awhile is the Hand Squeeze. Since it's a little inconvenient to get out the van to give them a hug every time I drop them off somewhere, we exchange a hand squeeze before they hop out. I feel it allows me to connect with them before they head to wherever they are going.

The book starts by explaining the importance of having some bonding times throughout the day. Times that are conducive to using an "I Love You" ritual are: getting up in the morning, going to bed, and all the comings and goings throughout the day. It emphasizes touch and how important it is to the development of our child's self-worth.

The rest of the book has some sweet rhymes and games to help you connect with small children. I've enjoyed implementing a few of these with my 4-year-old. I think parents of any stage can gain something from reading this book, but the rhymes and games are probably best suited for children to age 5.

My favorite quote was this:
"Each moment we have a choice to be fully present and loving or available yet disconnected." I've been trying to be more present with my kids as I interact with them throughout the day.

[Leta · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved this book. I found it amazingly helpful in dealing with young children. I see a total transformation in my children when I do an "I love you ritual" with them. When I sense a tantrum or breakdown approaching, I simply do a ritual and the tense situation is immediately diffused which then allows me to address the issue that was going to cause the meltdown and my children are in a state where they can be taught because they feel loved. Try it. It's the gospel. It works. I also loved learning how the brain functions in these young ones. Anyone and everyone with young children should read this book.

[Heaven Leis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really informative. I enjoyed reading this and will be doing the rituals with my daughter.

[Audrey · Rating 2 out of 5]

I like the concept of I love you rituals, but the execution just isn't there.

First, The rituals themselves are very babyish. Some of them are a little young even for my age group--and I teach 2-year-olds. I know Becky Bailey would tell me that kids love them anyway, and I'm sure they do. But I strenuously object to the idea that the best way to execute an I love you ritual is to infantilize the child in question. There's nothing babyish about being told "I love you," and I don't think we want to send the message that there is. What happens when the child turns 12 or 13? I can think of plenty of ways to have non-babyish I love you rituals, but I think it's a serious oversight on the part of the author not to provide any help or ideas on the topic. I didn't need pages and pages of finger plays. I know how to use the library and Google to find them. I would have liked very much to read about the anatomy of an effective I love you ritual that I could then use to create personalized ones for specific children, as well as teenagers and adults.

Also, I found the sanitized nursery rhymes very annoying.

All of that was a bit annoying, but I could have looked past it. It could still have had a lot of value pedagogically. The real problem with the book goes much deeper.

Becky Bailey has the credentials of a serious scholar, but research is entirely absent from the book. She cites neither studies, nor findings in psychology or pedagogy. She doesn't appear to have even done any kind of peer-reviewed research on I love you rituals. She presents the rationale and some anecdotes, and we are simply to take her word for it. It all sounds plausible to me--plausible enough that I'm trying to incorporate the concept into my teaching. But there's no evidence behind it. It's just Becky Bailey sharing her opinion and me deciding it sounds reasonable. I might be willing to accept that from a teacher in the field, but it's inexcusable from a university professor with a Ph.D. The field of education has been accepting this kind of nonsense for far too long. A biologist would be laughed out of the room for using this kind of methodology, and it's time to stop accepting it from the field of education.

[Kim · Rating 4 out of 5]

This has been beyond helpful with my own kiddos---at any age. I highly recommend reading it---to understand why it is absolutely essential that we have rituals in our life. Our bodies require it; there are specific chemicals that are released with touch and love. Without it, our brains close-off sections of the brain. It's crazy yet amazing to understand the science of how and why we learn. And it has caused me to look at the way I interact with everyone in my daily life.

[Valerie Stonesifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really like the idea of the I love you rituals, but I didn't really like any of the hand rhymes/games included in this book. They were all a little too cheesy for us, maybe. We made up a few of our own & have been looking through other books of hand rhymes to incorporate into our routine. My kids really appreciate the rituals that we do, though; the book was definitely worth the read.

[Janessa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book reminded me that at our core, we all just want to be seen and connected. I used to say "my son isn't touchy-feely, he doesn't like to cuddle or hold hands." This book was a reminder that closeness comes in many delightful forms. I loved this book as a mom and as a preschool teacher.

[H.M.R. · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredible reminder and challenge to be intentional about interactions with children. I work with infants at an early learning center and am excited to start doing some of these rituals with the kiddos.

If you’re a parent or work with children in any capacity, this would be a great read!

[Book Kindle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing.

[Jenni Jex · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book has little rhymes and poems and practical activities to do with toddlers and young kids to increase connection and attachment between them and their parents. This is especially important for foster/adoptive parent child relationships, but I could see it being beneficial for typical families as well in this busy culture we live in. The beginning of the book has really helpful chapters discussing attachment and why it is important, reminding parents of the importance of slowing down and connecting, and how bonds can be formed by repeating loving rituals. I’m attempting to try a new one each week with my child that struggles the most with attachment, but I wish the author would write a sequel with ideas of connection and rituals to do with older kids and teenagers, because I would love ideas for this age group as well.

[Kaliana Onita · Rating 5 out of 5]

I casually flipped through this for an hour or so and it seems to have plenty of sweet little suggestions for bonding opportunities with children. “I Love You Rituals” offers simple alternatives for effortless fun. The games and rhymes are mostly familiar, but I imagine it would be wonderful to use this resource to both preserve them in our memory as well as pass it on to our children. Bring back the traditional games! It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that utilizing them will create wholesome and special moments in the process. I hope to use this more when I have a reason to. It brought back so many memories of the joys of being a kid :)

[Kristina Mullen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very cute book with a lot of ideas for connecting with your small child. The book suggests these rituals for any age but my son is three and seems especially delighted by them. For about 50 pages before the rituals are introduced Bailey touches on some parenting advice, like the importance of noticing your child and making frequent eye contact. I learned some things and will be referring to the rituals when I need something to do with my kids.

[Marisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an interesting books with lots of cute ideas for games to play with your kids. There was a surprising amount of commentary on social issues, for example our changing societal roles, the need for our children to develop self-control as a root of democratic society, and the drawbacks of praise. Although there is a bibliography, which I appreciate, I wish there were footnotes as well so I could easily look up some of the specific research cited.

[Suphatra · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you have a child between 1-5, you'll see tremendous impact from just one of the rituals in this book. Essentially, author Becky Bailey takes simple nursery rhymes and gives them hand movements, sometimes slightly alters their words (and thus meanings) to create meaningful little songs and simple nursery games for your little children. I was surprised at how much this delighted my younger children and how much love it let me communicate. Great book for parents of little kids.

[Vanessa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved the introduction and reasoning behind why I Love You Rituals are important. I think it sets down what counts as a ritual so you can come up with your own!

It sounds like you just pick one and repeat it, something where both of you can be present, and talk to each other with eye contact. I love it and can’t wait to make I Love Uou Rituals of my own!

[Caitlin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cute poems and silly games to connect with a child with physical touch, eye contact, and silliness or sweetness. I'm incorporating them at diaper changing times and when the kids need a quiet moment in my toddler class. It's great for all of us.

[Clare · Rating 3 out of 5]

A quick non-fiction read of doable rituals to connect & bond with my kids! I will be keeping this one in arms reach for reference on the playful interactions. Twinkle twinkle little star is Clark's routine bedtime song, so we will enjoy the sweet interaction and play on lyrics together! 🌟

[Danielle · Rating 3 out of 5]

I mostly just read the first section and appreciated what the authors wrote. It wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard from my child’s therapist, but the reminder was good. The activities are definitely for a younger age group, so it wasn’t totally relatable, but I understood the intention.

[Lindsay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such great information about spending quality time with children on their level. Lots of games, sing alongs, nursery rhymes, etc.
My daughter has really been enjoying “row row your boat” and making a game out of it.
Highly recommend to change your mama mindset and make parenting more fun.

[Alison · Rating 5 out of 5]

A lot of great ideas for connecting with your child!

[Cherish · Rating 4 out of 5]

Packed with wonderful ideas

[Mary · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you are have little experience with young children, this would be a helpful book.

[Alexandra Medina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some of the beginning/intro gave me pause, but I think the I Love You rituals themselves are great tools.

[Kayla Hay · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great ideas. Wish I would have read when my kids were smaller. Except the introduction better read as a reference than straight through.

[Olivia Herrera · Rating 5 out of 5]

LOVE this book. Such sweet concepts to practice with your children!

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

Far better and not at all what I expected.

[Laurie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book full of sweet rituals and games to share with young children. The author shares all about why these rituals are needed and how they work. My favorite part of the book are all of the old nursery rhymes that are reworked with more positive language and the accompanying hand gestures.

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

The premise of this book is simple: it lists activities that you can do with your younger child (ages 10 & under, mostly) that are designed to increase bonding and closeness. Most of the activities involve physical contact, are game-like and engaging to a little one, and have an underlying intention of promoting trusting and attached feelings between the child and the primary caregiver. It is organized very well and easy to navigate to just the type of activity you want.

On a personal level, the usefulness of this book for our family can't be overstated. I learned early on that I was more of a "physical play" mom than an on-the-floor-play kind of mom, and that my daughter was very receptive and happy when I would play physical games with her. My repertoire was limited to ride the horse kind of lap games I learned from my mom, with a few others thrown in from Kindermusik. This book has dozens and dozens of wonderful ideas. The author, who is a strong advocate of the importance of healthy bonds and attachments between parent and child, has insights on my child's reaction to the games that have been spot on. It didn't take long for my daughter to ask to play the games when she was feeling disconnected, as the games always help us get back "in sync" much more quickly than a long night of what-went-wrong analysis on my part. If you and your children like physical games, and you recognize the household harmony that comes when everyone feels strongly bonded, you will love this book. And....although we don't have an adopted, foster, or traumatized child at this time, I've not seen a better book on the market for helping heal these past hurts in a practical way.

[Brandy Mcdonald · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was actually pretty disappointed in this book. What I did like was the ideas for the I Love You rituals- basically time you take to focus on making your child feel loved and deserving of your time. I thought these were great and have already started implementing a lot of them.

But there was a lot that I didn't agree with. I think that in many points she was a little far fetched. According to her, kids play hide and seek to see if you care enough to find them. Honestly, I think kids play hide and seek because they think it is fun, not for a deeper meaning. She also gave a lot of advice that I just didn't find applicable to the real world. For example, early in the book she states that you shouldn't reward your children because that will teach them to not do things for intrinsic value. I completely disagreed with this point. Yes, I want my children to feel good about the work they have done and want to have the good feeling again, but I also want them to understand that what they did was positive, because in reality, kids need to be shown that what they are doing is good. Not a lot of people clean because they just love doing it- they clean because that is what is expected of them.

Again, this book was okay, and I don't regret reading it, but I do think that the author maybe just has a different approach to parenting that what I find works and perhaps that is why I couldn't see the purpose of many of her tips.

[Julie · Rating 2 out of 5]

The first 1/3 of the book makes a pretty good case for the importance of little rituals. They build trust, relationship, etc. They serve as inside jokes or shortcuts for quickly touching back to those trusting, cooperating, loving moments. (My take, not exactly what the book says.) And lots of stuff on the importance of having well centered, trusting, loved kids.

The remaining 2/3 are little rhyming games to do on fingers or bodies during quiet times (e.g. as you're getting ready to put shoes on or off, sitting in a waiting room, etc.) or slightly more active activities, too. They're aimed at the 2-4 year old set, ideally, but a few were instant hits with my 6 and 8 year old. Complaint: Many involve taking a classic nursery rhyme (e.g. There was an old lady who lived in a shoe) and re-wording it heavily to make it somewhat sappier and more positive. We all know how dark those rhymes can be! But they're not very intuitive. However, if they're treated as examples and starting points for people to make up their own little rhymes and games, it's helpful. I am more intentional about touching the kids, making eye contact, and choosing my words to build connection.