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Ağlamalar ve Öfke Nöbetleri: Çocuklar Neden Ağlar? Onlara Nasıl Destek Olabiliriz?
Çocuğunuz ağlayarak aslında ne anlatmak ister?
Ağlamaya ihtiyacı olduğunu nasıl anlarsınız?
Öfke nöbetlerinin anlamı nedir?
Çocuğunuz ağlamalarını bastırmayı nasıl öğrenir?
Çocukların ağlamaları ve öfke nöbetleri anne babalar için başa çıkması en zor konulardan biridir. Anne babalar çocukları öfke nöbetine girdiğinde ya da bütün gün mızırdandığında nasıl davranmaları gerektiğini bilemezler. Ağlayan çocuğu rahatlatmak mı, görmezden gelmek mi ya da empati kurarak dinlemek mi gerekir? Bilinçli ebeveynlik akımının kurucusu olan Aletha Solter, hem ağlama ve öfke nöbetlerinin altında yatan ihtiyaçları, hem de anne babaların ve çocuklarla ilgilenen diğer yetişkinlerin bu sorunla nasıl başa çıkabileceklerini devrim niteliğinde bir yaklaşımla anlatıyor. Okurlara şaşırtıcı, etkili ve işe yarayan çözümler sunuyor.
Ağlamaya ihtiyacı olduğunu nasıl anlarsınız?
Öfke nöbetlerinin anlamı nedir?
Çocuğunuz ağlamalarını bastırmayı nasıl öğrenir?
Çocukların ağlamaları ve öfke nöbetleri anne babalar için başa çıkması en zor konulardan biridir. Anne babalar çocukları öfke nöbetine girdiğinde ya da bütün gün mızırdandığında nasıl davranmaları gerektiğini bilemezler. Ağlayan çocuğu rahatlatmak mı, görmezden gelmek mi ya da empati kurarak dinlemek mi gerekir? Bilinçli ebeveynlik akımının kurucusu olan Aletha Solter, hem ağlama ve öfke nöbetlerinin altında yatan ihtiyaçları, hem de anne babaların ve çocuklarla ilgilenen diğer yetişkinlerin bu sorunla nasıl başa çıkabileceklerini devrim niteliğinde bir yaklaşımla anlatıyor. Okurlara şaşırtıcı, etkili ve işe yarayan çözümler sunuyor.
200 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 1998
88 people are currently reading
1152 people want to read
About the author
Aletha J. Solter
16 books80 followersAletha Solter, Ph.D. is a Swiss/American developmental psychologist, parenting consultant, and director of the Aware Parenting Institute. She holds a Master's degree in human biology from the University of Geneva, Switzerland (where she studied with Dr. Jean Piaget), and a Ph.D. in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara.
When Aletha's first child was born in 1977 (following a traumatic birth) she did not find any parenting books that advocated attachment-style parenting and non-punitive discipline while taking into account the impact of stress and trauma on children's development.
The first book she wrote, The Aware Baby (revised in 2001), is the one that she would have found helpful as a new mother. The Aware Baby has been translated into many languages and sold over 200,000 copies worldwide. Her six other books have also been translated into many languages. All of her books are based on scientific research.
Aletha has led workshops for parents and professionals in 18 countries and is recognized internationally as an expert on attachment, trauma, and non-punitive discipline. She has appeared on TV in the U.S., Europe, South Africa, and Asia. She lives in Southern California and is the mother of two grown children. She is also a proud grandmother.
She founded the Aware Parenting Institute in 1990 to help spread this approach around the world. There are now certified Aware Parenting instructors in 27 countries. For more information, please visit the Aware Parenting Institute website at www.awareparenting.com. You can also find us on Facebook.
When Aletha's first child was born in 1977 (following a traumatic birth) she did not find any parenting books that advocated attachment-style parenting and non-punitive discipline while taking into account the impact of stress and trauma on children's development.
The first book she wrote, The Aware Baby (revised in 2001), is the one that she would have found helpful as a new mother. The Aware Baby has been translated into many languages and sold over 200,000 copies worldwide. Her six other books have also been translated into many languages. All of her books are based on scientific research.
Aletha has led workshops for parents and professionals in 18 countries and is recognized internationally as an expert on attachment, trauma, and non-punitive discipline. She has appeared on TV in the U.S., Europe, South Africa, and Asia. She lives in Southern California and is the mother of two grown children. She is also a proud grandmother.
She founded the Aware Parenting Institute in 1990 to help spread this approach around the world. There are now certified Aware Parenting instructors in 27 countries. For more information, please visit the Aware Parenting Institute website at www.awareparenting.com. You can also find us on Facebook.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 92 reviews
August 6, 2023
Knyga labai praktiškai, neištemptai, o informatyviai parašyta. Tik deja, ją gal pasiemiau ne laiku. Norėjau skaityti apie septynmetę dukrą, bet šioje knygoje 80 proc informacija apie kūdikius ir žindymą. Bet pats knygos rašymo stilius tikrai patiko! Labai rekomenduočiau ją skaityti jau planuojant vaikelį arba jo tika susilaukus :)
Patarimai negirdėti, neįprasti, bet manau labai teisingi.
Patarimai negirdėti, neįprasti, bet manau labai teisingi.
February 23, 2011
If you have a hard time (as in you feel like someone is scratching a chalkboard, etc) or that you soak up their emotions, when your child cries, whines or rages or with any emotions this is the book to read. This book is about how & why we as parents process kids emotions in the ways that we do. It explains some of our inner child emotional needs that have not been met. It is a good reminder that it is OK to cry in loving arms, etc. I have read a lot of (attachment style) parenting books and emotional intelligence books and this book is a magnificent combination of both ideas in an easy to read format. This is a book that I truly wish I had read before I had children 7 years ago. But I found it extremely useful to read right now as my kids are 4 & 6. I am extremely thankful to the person who recommended it. It is not just about babies crying or not crying it out, etc. It has some ideas that I have not seen elsewhere. I like this book because it is direct and to the point, short and sweet. So many books like this take forever to get to the point & it becomes washed out in the many stories, examples, etc.
Read
February 17, 2021Acesta carte ofera multe informatii noi, iar multe intra in contradictie cu tot ceea ce se stie despre plansul bebelusilor si modurile de linistire a acestora.
Si totusi, m-a ajutat sa inteleg ca nu e anormal daca bebele meu nu se linisteste la san sau doar daca il tin in brate, chiar daca esti maica-sa. Nu ma mai supar pe remarci precum: "Vai, dar in mod normal se linstesc la san."
Mi se pare foarte greu de aplicat pentru nou nascuti, insa cred ca un parinte care are un bebe care plange mult poate sa duca mai usor plansul daca detine informatiile prezentate in carte.
Cel mai greu mi se pare sa diferentiez intre tipurile de plans si sa vezi chiar cand arè copilul nevoie de un plans zdravan si cand plange pentru a transmite faptul ca are o nevoie neimplinita.
Si totusi, m-a ajutat sa inteleg ca nu e anormal daca bebele meu nu se linisteste la san sau doar daca il tin in brate, chiar daca esti maica-sa. Nu ma mai supar pe remarci precum: "Vai, dar in mod normal se linstesc la san."
Mi se pare foarte greu de aplicat pentru nou nascuti, insa cred ca un parinte care are un bebe care plange mult poate sa duca mai usor plansul daca detine informatiile prezentate in carte.
Cel mai greu mi se pare sa diferentiez intre tipurile de plans si sa vezi chiar cand arè copilul nevoie de un plans zdravan si cand plange pentru a transmite faptul ca are o nevoie neimplinita.
May 7, 2007
Has transformed my relationshiop with my children and especially with a particularly whingeing unhappy 5 month-old. Now a tried and tested method on 3 children, it's the best method I've known, as it respects the children and creates a strong bond of love between them and their parents.
Check her other books and her website [http://www.awareparenting.com]
Check her other books and her website [http://www.awareparenting.com]
March 25, 2009
Quote (pg. 16): It is interesting that the word "emotion" comes from a Latin word meaning "to move." The English language further expresses this when we say, for example, "I was very moved by the film." This implies that our uninhibited, primitive response to strong feelings is to become physically active. Crying and raging in children are indeed very active processes, involving the entire body. Children kick their legs and flail their arms, using a large amount of energy. We adults would probably cry in a similar manner if such a strong display of emotions were socially sanctioned.
Quote (pg 18): Crying is therefore not an unnecessary byproduct of stress, but a important part of the stress-relaxation cycle. When we cry as a response to emotional stress, we release energy, reduce tension, lower our blood pressure, and remove stress hormones and neurotransmitters from our body through tears, thereby restoring physiological balance (homeostasis).
Quote (pg 19): Psychologists have studied crying in children during the highly stressful experience of a long hospitalization. Children who protested openly by crying and screaming at the begining of their hospital stay showed better adjustment than the ones who were "good" patients right from the start. The latter appeared to be calm and cooperative, but were more likely to show signs of stress later on, such as regression to infantile modes of behavior, eating or sleeping difficulties, and learning disorders.
Quote (pg 20): Psychologists call this phenomenon the "generaliztion of a conditioned emotional response." Anything that reminds a person of a previous stressful event will trigger a stress response, even though the new situation is totally harmless ... Eventually, conditioned responses wear out if similar situations prove repeatedly to be harmless. When this happens, psychologists call this "extinction of the condition response." This can take a long time ....
Quote (pg 22) It is important to respond to a crying child, rather than to reject or punish her. When parents fail to respond to a baby's crying during hte first year, the baby may show disturbed attachment patterns. She may be aggressive towards or parents, or excessively demanding or clingy. Some children appear to be self-sufficient and they resist closeness or show lack of affection. Researchers have observed children as young as one year of age who seek communication with their mothers only when they are content, never when they are distressed. Bowlby considered this to be a serious breakdown in communication between mother and child. Children with this extreme avoidant pattern tend to have serious behavioral and emotional problems later on.
Simply responding, however, is not enough when a child needs to release stress by crying. Even though parents may not openly reject a crying child, any attempts to distract a child away from his crying will be felt by him as a form of emotional abandonment. Children need parents who are able to listen to their expressions of anger, grief, and fear, and who can empathize with them. If children can openly express these feelings from birth on, they will learn that they do not need to repress painful emotions, and they will feel unconditionally loved.
Quote: (pg 22) Babies who are allowed to cry in their parents' arms will grow up feeling understood and accepted. As teenagers, tehy will feel comfortable talking about their problems with their parents, and crying if they need to, nowing that they can count on their parents to listen.
Quote (page 23): If children are shown love and approval only when they are smiling and happy, they will learn to deny and repress a part of themselves in order to please adults. Their deepest emotions will eventually feel unacceptable, even to themselves. Without full acceptance of their feelings and emotional expressions, therefore, children cannot grow up with high self-esteem.
Quote (pg 33): How crying is repressed in children: telling child to stop crying; punishing (or threatening); withdrawing love or attention, isolating child; distracting with talk, music, movement, games; putting something in child's mouth (food, pacifier); teasing, shaming; denying or minimizing child's pain; praising child for not crying; getting child to talk or laugh.
Quote (pg 35) Although spontaneous, animated talking does provide a certain amount of emotional release for older children and adults, getting a child to label his feelings is not sufficient to provide a healing release. This forces children to switch from an emotional level to a premature conceptual level, and, if done frequently, could lead to over-intellectualizing tendencies in the child. This cuts the child off from his inner self.
Quote (pg 43): There are several reasons why the theory of an immature digestive system is inadequate to explain prolonged crying in infants. First of all, this theory does not fit with Dr. Spock's observation that "colicky babies" usually prosper physically. They gain weight normally, sometimes better than average, in spite of hours of crying. Furthermore, no gastrointestinal malfunction has been found in babies who cry extensively, except in very rare instances.
Quote (pg 45): This shows that the baby is not crying only because of a desire to have the toy, but because of emotional pain caused by his singling's behavior. The baby certainly feels some frustration and indignation, but perhaps also confusion and anxiety. These emotions are accompanied by tension and arousal, and they need to be released before the baby can return to his calm state and continue investigating the toy. Crying in this example is not hurt. It is the process of becoming unhurt.
Quote (pg 47): William Emerson, an expert on prenatal and birth trauma (mentioned in Part I, Section 5), found that 55% of a sample of 200 children showed signs of moderate to severe birth trauma. Babies whose mothers experienced a difficult delivery cry more than babies whose mothers had a less stressful one. One study showed that crying in babies was greater if there had been obstetrical interventions and if the mother had felt powerless during the birth process. Another study showed that babies who had problems at birth were more likely to wake up crying frequently at night during the first 14 months. Crying is greater in newborns following epidural anesthesia of the mother.
Birth stressed babies are often tense and irritable, probably because of an excess of stress hormones. This explains the sleep difficulties so often seen in babies who had difficult births. The arousal of the sympathetic nervous system during stress inhibits the digestive system. This may lead to feelings of discomfort after feeding in babies who are highly stressed from a difficult birth or other trauma. This brings us back to the colic theory! The cause of indigestion is not an immature digestive system, however, but the baby's own stress response.
Quote (pg 49): Babies benefit from close physical contact not only during the day, but also at night. Mothers in traditional cultures usually sleep with their babies. Unfortunately, this practice has been discouraged in technologically developed countries, where babies' need for physical closeness at bedtime and during the night is often disregarded.
Quote (pg 51): The intent to master a new skill always precedes the a bility to learn it. There is a gap in time between a baby's desire to do something new and his ability to do it. During this gap, frustrations can be expected as a normal part of the learning process. That is why they are called "developmental frustrations." For example, a three-month-old infant may become frustrated when trying to grasp an object because she has not yet learned how to make her hand go where she wants it to go. These frustrations build up and are then released in periodic crying sessions.
Quote (pg 18): Crying is therefore not an unnecessary byproduct of stress, but a important part of the stress-relaxation cycle. When we cry as a response to emotional stress, we release energy, reduce tension, lower our blood pressure, and remove stress hormones and neurotransmitters from our body through tears, thereby restoring physiological balance (homeostasis).
Quote (pg 19): Psychologists have studied crying in children during the highly stressful experience of a long hospitalization. Children who protested openly by crying and screaming at the begining of their hospital stay showed better adjustment than the ones who were "good" patients right from the start. The latter appeared to be calm and cooperative, but were more likely to show signs of stress later on, such as regression to infantile modes of behavior, eating or sleeping difficulties, and learning disorders.
Quote (pg 20): Psychologists call this phenomenon the "generaliztion of a conditioned emotional response." Anything that reminds a person of a previous stressful event will trigger a stress response, even though the new situation is totally harmless ... Eventually, conditioned responses wear out if similar situations prove repeatedly to be harmless. When this happens, psychologists call this "extinction of the condition response." This can take a long time ....
Quote (pg 22) It is important to respond to a crying child, rather than to reject or punish her. When parents fail to respond to a baby's crying during hte first year, the baby may show disturbed attachment patterns. She may be aggressive towards or parents, or excessively demanding or clingy. Some children appear to be self-sufficient and they resist closeness or show lack of affection. Researchers have observed children as young as one year of age who seek communication with their mothers only when they are content, never when they are distressed. Bowlby considered this to be a serious breakdown in communication between mother and child. Children with this extreme avoidant pattern tend to have serious behavioral and emotional problems later on.
Simply responding, however, is not enough when a child needs to release stress by crying. Even though parents may not openly reject a crying child, any attempts to distract a child away from his crying will be felt by him as a form of emotional abandonment. Children need parents who are able to listen to their expressions of anger, grief, and fear, and who can empathize with them. If children can openly express these feelings from birth on, they will learn that they do not need to repress painful emotions, and they will feel unconditionally loved.
Quote: (pg 22) Babies who are allowed to cry in their parents' arms will grow up feeling understood and accepted. As teenagers, tehy will feel comfortable talking about their problems with their parents, and crying if they need to, nowing that they can count on their parents to listen.
Quote (page 23): If children are shown love and approval only when they are smiling and happy, they will learn to deny and repress a part of themselves in order to please adults. Their deepest emotions will eventually feel unacceptable, even to themselves. Without full acceptance of their feelings and emotional expressions, therefore, children cannot grow up with high self-esteem.
Quote (pg 33): How crying is repressed in children: telling child to stop crying; punishing (or threatening); withdrawing love or attention, isolating child; distracting with talk, music, movement, games; putting something in child's mouth (food, pacifier); teasing, shaming; denying or minimizing child's pain; praising child for not crying; getting child to talk or laugh.
Quote (pg 35) Although spontaneous, animated talking does provide a certain amount of emotional release for older children and adults, getting a child to label his feelings is not sufficient to provide a healing release. This forces children to switch from an emotional level to a premature conceptual level, and, if done frequently, could lead to over-intellectualizing tendencies in the child. This cuts the child off from his inner self.
Quote (pg 43): There are several reasons why the theory of an immature digestive system is inadequate to explain prolonged crying in infants. First of all, this theory does not fit with Dr. Spock's observation that "colicky babies" usually prosper physically. They gain weight normally, sometimes better than average, in spite of hours of crying. Furthermore, no gastrointestinal malfunction has been found in babies who cry extensively, except in very rare instances.
Quote (pg 45): This shows that the baby is not crying only because of a desire to have the toy, but because of emotional pain caused by his singling's behavior. The baby certainly feels some frustration and indignation, but perhaps also confusion and anxiety. These emotions are accompanied by tension and arousal, and they need to be released before the baby can return to his calm state and continue investigating the toy. Crying in this example is not hurt. It is the process of becoming unhurt.
Quote (pg 47): William Emerson, an expert on prenatal and birth trauma (mentioned in Part I, Section 5), found that 55% of a sample of 200 children showed signs of moderate to severe birth trauma. Babies whose mothers experienced a difficult delivery cry more than babies whose mothers had a less stressful one. One study showed that crying in babies was greater if there had been obstetrical interventions and if the mother had felt powerless during the birth process. Another study showed that babies who had problems at birth were more likely to wake up crying frequently at night during the first 14 months. Crying is greater in newborns following epidural anesthesia of the mother.
Birth stressed babies are often tense and irritable, probably because of an excess of stress hormones. This explains the sleep difficulties so often seen in babies who had difficult births. The arousal of the sympathetic nervous system during stress inhibits the digestive system. This may lead to feelings of discomfort after feeding in babies who are highly stressed from a difficult birth or other trauma. This brings us back to the colic theory! The cause of indigestion is not an immature digestive system, however, but the baby's own stress response.
Quote (pg 49): Babies benefit from close physical contact not only during the day, but also at night. Mothers in traditional cultures usually sleep with their babies. Unfortunately, this practice has been discouraged in technologically developed countries, where babies' need for physical closeness at bedtime and during the night is often disregarded.
Quote (pg 51): The intent to master a new skill always precedes the a bility to learn it. There is a gap in time between a baby's desire to do something new and his ability to do it. During this gap, frustrations can be expected as a normal part of the learning process. That is why they are called "developmental frustrations." For example, a three-month-old infant may become frustrated when trying to grasp an object because she has not yet learned how to make her hand go where she wants it to go. These frustrations build up and are then released in periodic crying sessions.
May 29, 2022
I was recommended this book on Twitter by someone who said it was a must-read for all parents. The central tenet of this book is that "emotional problems, behavioural problems, and stress-related illnesses are not caused by stress itself, but by the suppression of the natural healing mechanisms, specifically crying and raging..." When a child's basic needs are met and they still need to cry, instead of trying to stop them from crying through distraction, pacifiers, nursing, etc. or make them cry it out alone, we should instead just be present and hold them until they are finished crying, assuring them that it is okay and providing consistent eye contact. Makes sense. I was definitely shamed for crying and other negative emotions growing up and have found it liberating to find people with whom I can safely cry in my adult life. Putting it into practice seems a bit more difficult though. We'll see if it makes sense when applied to real life.
October 15, 2012
This book completely changed my view of babies and children crying. Instead of option 1 - getting your kid to stop crying by using any means necessary (nursing, rocking, feeding, diapering, etc.) or option 2 - leaving them to cry it out alone, the author provides option 3 - simply accepting your child's cry, trying to verbalize what you think they might be upset about.
We've tried this with my 2 y.o. (I don't know how I could do it with a baby). When he's acting naughty, or when he wakes up crying from his nap, I will say something like "Are you really missing Daddy today?" (or whatever else I think he might be upset about). He almost always begins to cry more, saying "Daddy, daddy" and he will carry on crying for a few minutes. We don't try to get him to stop crying, we say "it's okay to miss Dad" or "It's okay to be sad, etc." After he cries for a few minutes, he's back to his normal, cheerful self, no more misbehaving (except for normal 2 y.o. behavior, of course!). I've been amazed at how well this works for us!
We've tried this with my 2 y.o. (I don't know how I could do it with a baby). When he's acting naughty, or when he wakes up crying from his nap, I will say something like "Are you really missing Daddy today?" (or whatever else I think he might be upset about). He almost always begins to cry more, saying "Daddy, daddy" and he will carry on crying for a few minutes. We don't try to get him to stop crying, we say "it's okay to miss Dad" or "It's okay to be sad, etc." After he cries for a few minutes, he's back to his normal, cheerful self, no more misbehaving (except for normal 2 y.o. behavior, of course!). I've been amazed at how well this works for us!
January 15, 2016
This book was like an illumination for me, although I knew some of the information filled inside the pages. I want to raise my child in a new manner, away from the "old fashioned way" our parents raise most of us. I consider lucky because my mother at that time had the intelligence and emotional ground to stay away from many barbarian practices that were applies back then. I remember hearing the neighbor children screaming out of pain after their father was brutally punishing them by hitting them with the washing machine water draining cord!!! My mother then always was trying to keep us busy from not hearing the ugly noises those children were making, saying that's not the proper manner to educate a child.
I recommend this book to every responsible parent who wants to have a happy child and to understand how crying is not always something bad, but for sure something much needed. Read this book and read it again. Keep it at hand on your book shelf because you're gonna need it in the future!
I recommend this book to every responsible parent who wants to have a happy child and to understand how crying is not always something bad, but for sure something much needed. Read this book and read it again. Keep it at hand on your book shelf because you're gonna need it in the future!
December 28, 2013
A new to me perspective on how we handle crying in the Western world.
The infant chapter contains information that is dangerous for maintaining breastfeeding, especially with young infants.
Most of the 'proof' she presents within the book itself is anecdotal from parents who have taken her workshops, although she does include reference notes in the back that are to scientific studies, but none of her actual work.
However, the concept that sometimes children just need to cry in a loving and supportive atmosphere to relieve stress & other big feelings is a good one.
The infant chapter contains information that is dangerous for maintaining breastfeeding, especially with young infants.
Most of the 'proof' she presents within the book itself is anecdotal from parents who have taken her workshops, although she does include reference notes in the back that are to scientific studies, but none of her actual work.
However, the concept that sometimes children just need to cry in a loving and supportive atmosphere to relieve stress & other big feelings is a good one.
May 31, 2019
A. Solter savo auklėjimo filosofiją pavadino sąmoninga tėvyste, kuri apjungia prieraišiąją tėvystę, drausminimą be bausmių ir verkimo priėmimą. Ši filosofija atskleidžia visiškai naują požiūrį į vaikų verkimą. Ne, tai nėra verkiančio vaiko ignoravimas, ir tai nėra siekis bet kokia kaina nuraminti verkiantį vaiką.
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January 27, 2020
Iš esmės knyga yra labai gera ir vertinga. Ji suteikia daug puikių įžvalgų ir nėra paviršutiniška. Tiesiog kaip tos srities specialistė ir mama drįstu kvestionuoti kai kuriuos teiginius ir leidžiu įžvelgti dviprasmybes, pvz., kalbama, jog neskatintina blaškyti ir nukreipinėti vaiko dėmesį, kai jis patiria sunkias emocijas, tačiau, kai jis čiulpia pirštą dėl tos priežasties, autorė teigia, kad reikėtų vaiką juokinti.
February 3, 2017
Raamatus on selgitatud, kuidas tuleb käituda lapse nutmise korral. Ja lahenduseks pole üldsegi kussutamine, keelamine ja karistamine, vaid nutta lubamine vanemate juures turvalises õhkkonnas. Ma arvan, et raamatus toodud õpetust on päris keeruline ellu viia. Aga ilmselt eduka elluviimise korral on tõesti tulemuseks terve närvisüsteemiga laps :)
October 20, 2021
Plânsul este un mecanism natural de eliberare a încărcăturii emoționale, care readuce corpul într-o stare de echilibru.
Copiii folosesc lacrimile şi crizele de furie pentru a vindeca traume şi a se elibera de tensiune. În astfel de momente este important acceptarea acestor emoții, nu pedepsirea/ignorarea copilului.
De asemenea, părinții fiind tentați să distragă atenția copilului în timp ce plânge , nu realizează că copilul rămâne cu încărcătura emoțională blocată, care va căuta să iasă iarăși la iveală în orice moment.
Copiii folosesc lacrimile şi crizele de furie pentru a vindeca traume şi a se elibera de tensiune. În astfel de momente este important acceptarea acestor emoții, nu pedepsirea/ignorarea copilului.
De asemenea, părinții fiind tentați să distragă atenția copilului în timp ce plânge , nu realizează că copilul rămâne cu încărcătura emoțională blocată, care va căuta să iasă iarăși la iveală în orice moment.
February 10, 2021
Nežinau ar su visomis mintimis sutinku. Reiktų bandyti įgyvendinti su kitu vaiku. Bet iš esmės nuramina, suteikia atsipalaidavimo tėvams. Vaikai ypač kūdikiai verkia ir reikia jiems leisti tai daryti, o ne visuomet malšinti tai.
March 2, 2016
Îmi place atât de mult rolul de mamă, încât nu mă satur niciodată de copiii mei. Mă strădui, pe cât e posibil, să fiu alături de ei și să le ofer tot de ce au nevoie. Cu toate acestea, unele situații mă depășesc și cu greu le fac față. Una dintre aceste situații este PLÂNSUL. Cred că vecinii deja sunt sătui de plânsul Ceciliei și, mai ales, de cel al lui Stelian. Cecilia plânge când se plictisește și vrea atenție. Stelian a plâns din cauza colicilor, iar acum – a dinților. Cel puțin, așa credeam eu, până când a ajuns în mânile mele o carte care mi-a schimbat total viziunile asupra plânsului copiilor - “Lacrimi și crize de furie. Ce e de făcut când bebelușii și copiii plâng” de Aletha Solter.
Eram cam sceptică in privința tehnicilor propuse de autoare, dar într-o zi, mi-am luat inima în dinți și am făcut experimente pe Stelian. Și, ca prin minune, rezultatul a fost uimitor.
Deci, în carte autoarea propune să lăsăm copilașul să plângă. Asta în cazul în care acesta nu plânge din motiv de boală. Să-l lăsăm să plângă pentru a elimina stresul acumulat pe parcursul zilei/ zilelor anterioare. Copii, ca și maturii, au nevoie de o metodă de “descărcare” a emoțiilor, iar cea mai la îndemână pentru ei este plânsul.
Eu nu am răbdare să o las pe Cecilia mult timp să plângă. Deseori încerc, dar nu pot. Atunci o iau în brațe, o mângâi și astfel ea încetează plânsul. Și credeți-mă – nu e bine. Dupa o bucată de timp, criza iar începe. Și atunci chiar nu mai știu ce să îi fac. Mă enervez și eu, și ea.
Cu Stelian altfel stau lucrurile. Când începe a plânge îl iau în brațe și nu încerc să îl liniștesc, ci îl încurajez să plângă atât timp cât are el nevoie. Plânge mult și tare, scapă de stres, doarme și dupa trezire e alt om.
Așa suntem cu toții fericiți.
Ca să mă înțelegeți despre ce vorbesc, vă propun să citiți cartea. Veți avea ce învăța!
Eram cam sceptică in privința tehnicilor propuse de autoare, dar într-o zi, mi-am luat inima în dinți și am făcut experimente pe Stelian. Și, ca prin minune, rezultatul a fost uimitor.
Deci, în carte autoarea propune să lăsăm copilașul să plângă. Asta în cazul în care acesta nu plânge din motiv de boală. Să-l lăsăm să plângă pentru a elimina stresul acumulat pe parcursul zilei/ zilelor anterioare. Copii, ca și maturii, au nevoie de o metodă de “descărcare” a emoțiilor, iar cea mai la îndemână pentru ei este plânsul.
Eu nu am răbdare să o las pe Cecilia mult timp să plângă. Deseori încerc, dar nu pot. Atunci o iau în brațe, o mângâi și astfel ea încetează plânsul. Și credeți-mă – nu e bine. Dupa o bucată de timp, criza iar începe. Și atunci chiar nu mai știu ce să îi fac. Mă enervez și eu, și ea.
Cu Stelian altfel stau lucrurile. Când începe a plânge îl iau în brațe și nu încerc să îl liniștesc, ci îl încurajez să plângă atât timp cât are el nevoie. Plânge mult și tare, scapă de stres, doarme și dupa trezire e alt om.
Așa suntem cu toții fericiți.
Ca să mă înțelegeți despre ce vorbesc, vă propun să citiți cartea. Veți avea ce învăța!
October 23, 2009
An interesting book, and I liked her theories. I think subconsciously I already knew some of it, and that's why it made sense. Some of my questions about crying are still unanswered, however, such as
1) What do you do when both children are crying/raging at once?
2) How do you let children know they've done something seriously wrong without punishing them (and if they're not crying, but smirking at your attempts to lecture)?
3) What if their thumb sucking is not a control anymore, but a habit to help them sleep? How do you break that habit? (I've tried her strategies, but Adele gives me a look like "you're being annoying, and no, I don't need to cry anymore".
Anyway, I did like the book, and it's always good to remember how much my parenting needs constant improvement and vigilance.
1) What do you do when both children are crying/raging at once?
2) How do you let children know they've done something seriously wrong without punishing them (and if they're not crying, but smirking at your attempts to lecture)?
3) What if their thumb sucking is not a control anymore, but a habit to help them sleep? How do you break that habit? (I've tried her strategies, but Adele gives me a look like "you're being annoying, and no, I don't need to cry anymore".
Anyway, I did like the book, and it's always good to remember how much my parenting needs constant improvement and vigilance.
February 15, 2015
A great book, clearly written, that answered so many of my questions regarding children tantrums and unconditional love
July 13, 2021
Knyga apie verksmo naudą, kodėl kūdikiai verkia ir kaip juos palaikyti.
Manau šią knygą turėtų perskaityti kiekvieni nauji tėveliai jau pirmąjį vaiko mėnesį :)
Manau šią knygą turėtų perskaityti kiekvieni nauji tėveliai jau pirmąjį vaiko mėnesį :)
April 3, 2022
Cartea asta îți ia o povară de pe umeri.
Știi momentul acela când copilul plânge sau se miorlăie și în tine se activează toate frustrările și te enervezi sau poate îți pierzi controlul sau poate începi să plângi cu el? În această lectură vei găsi explicațiile care nu doar că îți liniștesc o grămadă de temeri, ci îți oferă și soluții sănătoase.
Autoarea pornește de la premisa că plânsul este vindecător, precum și crizele de furie au rolul de a descărca frustrările acumulate. Acestea pot semnala o nevoie neîmplinită sau prezența unor factori stresanți, iar încercarea de a opri plânsul cu orice preț - cum se practică în societatea noastră - nu este în beneficiul copilului. Argumentând cu referințe la diverse studii, Aletha Solter explică cum reprimarea plânsului poate duce la diverse tipare de control mai mult sau mai puțin utile și sănătoase. În paralel, ne prezintă care ar trebui să fie atitudinea părintelui în astfel de momente: primul pas - pe cât posibil eliminarea factorilor stresanți, pasul al doilea - acceptarea emoțiilor copiilor, iubirea necondiționată și o prezență binevoitoare până "trece furtuna". Astfel, copilul capătă încredere în adult, înțelege că este iubit indiferent de ce emoții trăiește și învață să gestioneze de timpuriu propriile afecte.
De asemenea, în carte este alocat un capitol despre istoricul părintelui și influența modalităților de gestionare a plânsului asupra vieții prezente, precum și efectul acestora în relație cu propriul copil.
La finalul cărții sunt câteva mărturii ale unor părinți și câteva întrebări ale căror răspunsuri sunt la fel de revelatoare.
Desigur, nu poți fi de acord cu absolut tot ce se menționează între cele aproximativ 200 de pagini, însă concluzia este utilă atât adulților cât și copiilor: plânsul e vindecător.
Câteva citate:
"Mecanisme de coping la stres ale copiilor: verbalizarea, jocul simbolic, râsul, plânsul și crizele de furie. "
"Plânsul este o eliberare importantă și sănătoasă, un proces natural de refacere a homeostaziei. "
"Copiii nu se simt mai bine dacă nu sunt lăsați să plângă și să aibă crize de furie cât au nevoie. "
"Nu trauma este cauza bolii, ci disperarea inconștientă, reprimată, fără speranță în legătură cu faptul că nu i se permite să exprime ce a suferit."
"Când copiii sunt liberi să își elibereze emoțiile rezultate din traume, pierderi, frustrări și frici, trupurile și mințile lor se vindecă de stres și traume. "
"Principalul mesaj al acestei cărți este acela că problemele emoționale, comportamentale și bolile legate de stres, nu sunt cauzate de stres, ci de reprimarea mecanismelor naturale de vindecare, în special plânsul și crizele de furie, care au drept scop să redea echilibrul și psihologic al corpului, ca urmare a stresului. "
Știi momentul acela când copilul plânge sau se miorlăie și în tine se activează toate frustrările și te enervezi sau poate îți pierzi controlul sau poate începi să plângi cu el? În această lectură vei găsi explicațiile care nu doar că îți liniștesc o grămadă de temeri, ci îți oferă și soluții sănătoase.
Autoarea pornește de la premisa că plânsul este vindecător, precum și crizele de furie au rolul de a descărca frustrările acumulate. Acestea pot semnala o nevoie neîmplinită sau prezența unor factori stresanți, iar încercarea de a opri plânsul cu orice preț - cum se practică în societatea noastră - nu este în beneficiul copilului. Argumentând cu referințe la diverse studii, Aletha Solter explică cum reprimarea plânsului poate duce la diverse tipare de control mai mult sau mai puțin utile și sănătoase. În paralel, ne prezintă care ar trebui să fie atitudinea părintelui în astfel de momente: primul pas - pe cât posibil eliminarea factorilor stresanți, pasul al doilea - acceptarea emoțiilor copiilor, iubirea necondiționată și o prezență binevoitoare până "trece furtuna". Astfel, copilul capătă încredere în adult, înțelege că este iubit indiferent de ce emoții trăiește și învață să gestioneze de timpuriu propriile afecte.
De asemenea, în carte este alocat un capitol despre istoricul părintelui și influența modalităților de gestionare a plânsului asupra vieții prezente, precum și efectul acestora în relație cu propriul copil.
La finalul cărții sunt câteva mărturii ale unor părinți și câteva întrebări ale căror răspunsuri sunt la fel de revelatoare.
Desigur, nu poți fi de acord cu absolut tot ce se menționează între cele aproximativ 200 de pagini, însă concluzia este utilă atât adulților cât și copiilor: plânsul e vindecător.
Câteva citate:
"Mecanisme de coping la stres ale copiilor: verbalizarea, jocul simbolic, râsul, plânsul și crizele de furie. "
"Plânsul este o eliberare importantă și sănătoasă, un proces natural de refacere a homeostaziei. "
"Copiii nu se simt mai bine dacă nu sunt lăsați să plângă și să aibă crize de furie cât au nevoie. "
"Nu trauma este cauza bolii, ci disperarea inconștientă, reprimată, fără speranță în legătură cu faptul că nu i se permite să exprime ce a suferit."
"Când copiii sunt liberi să își elibereze emoțiile rezultate din traume, pierderi, frustrări și frici, trupurile și mințile lor se vindecă de stres și traume. "
"Principalul mesaj al acestei cărți este acela că problemele emoționale, comportamentale și bolile legate de stres, nu sunt cauzate de stres, ci de reprimarea mecanismelor naturale de vindecare, în special plânsul și crizele de furie, care au drept scop să redea echilibrul și psihologic al corpului, ca urmare a stresului. "
December 7, 2023
Knyga, pateikianti labai gerų įžvalgų ir patarimų tevams, auginantiems vaikus. Ypatingai rekomenduočiau dar tik besilaukiančioms ar ką tik pagimdžiusioms mamoms ir žinoma tėčiams. Esu pasižymėjus šią knygą prie “want to read” dar prieš du metus. Kaip būtų buvę gerai tada ją ir perskaityt 😅
Iš tiesų, kiek daug stereotipų turime apie verkiančius vaikus. Ir ne mums, bet ir aplinkiniams iš karto norisi juos raminti, nukreipti dėmesį, kad tik greičiau nustotų verkti. O va apie tai, kad taip yra “paleidžiamos” emocijos ir vaikams būtina verkti, susimąstome retai. Būtų įdomu visa tai išbandyti praktiškai vėl turint kūdikį, bet ir su trimečiu dar galiu daug ką išmokt.
Bet, reiktų į knygą žiūrėti ir kažkiek kritiškai ir nepriimti visko, kaip absoliučios tiesos. Vis tik reik nepamiršt, kad originalas knygos parašytas dar 1998 m, tik į lt kalbą išversta po 20 metų (2018 m). Tad ir įvairios specialistų nuomonės per tiek laiko yra pasikeitusios.
Iš tiesų, kiek daug stereotipų turime apie verkiančius vaikus. Ir ne mums, bet ir aplinkiniams iš karto norisi juos raminti, nukreipti dėmesį, kad tik greičiau nustotų verkti. O va apie tai, kad taip yra “paleidžiamos” emocijos ir vaikams būtina verkti, susimąstome retai. Būtų įdomu visa tai išbandyti praktiškai vėl turint kūdikį, bet ir su trimečiu dar galiu daug ką išmokt.
Bet, reiktų į knygą žiūrėti ir kažkiek kritiškai ir nepriimti visko, kaip absoliučios tiesos. Vis tik reik nepamiršt, kad originalas knygos parašytas dar 1998 m, tik į lt kalbą išversta po 20 metų (2018 m). Tad ir įvairios specialistų nuomonės per tiek laiko yra pasikeitusios.
April 4, 2024
M-a ajutat sa inteleg ca plansul este necesar si benefic ca mod de descarcare. Desi stiam undeva asta din propria experienta, imi era greu sa accept plansul fetitei mele fara sa caut solutii pentru a-l opri cat mai repede.
M-a ajutat sa suport mai usor plansul copilului meu, sa-l accept fara sa incerc sa il opresc imediat ce apare.
Acum sunt mai atenta la ce provoaca plansul (e un pattern?), il ascult si incerc sa imi dau seama ce emotie e in spate (e tristete, e durere, suparare, frustrare, furie?), e vreo nevoie principala neacoperita (autonomie, control, conectare), sa astept si sa fiu langa ea (inca ma chinui sa imi iasa si nu reusesc mereu), sa discutam despre ce s-a intamplat dupa ce se linisteste.
Fetita mea avea 2.5 ani, mi-ar fi fost utila cartea sau o parte din capitolele ei inca de cand era bebe.
M-a ajutat sa suport mai usor plansul copilului meu, sa-l accept fara sa incerc sa il opresc imediat ce apare.
Acum sunt mai atenta la ce provoaca plansul (e un pattern?), il ascult si incerc sa imi dau seama ce emotie e in spate (e tristete, e durere, suparare, frustrare, furie?), e vreo nevoie principala neacoperita (autonomie, control, conectare), sa astept si sa fiu langa ea (inca ma chinui sa imi iasa si nu reusesc mereu), sa discutam despre ce s-a intamplat dupa ce se linisteste.
Fetita mea avea 2.5 ani, mi-ar fi fost utila cartea sau o parte din capitolele ei inca de cand era bebe.
Read
January 21, 2019E o eroare la momentul cand fac review-ul in Goodreads, apare ca alta editie a cartii Acesta sunt eu! Tu cine esti? cu care nu are nimic de-a face.
S-ar rezuma : Lasati copiii sa planga. Cu cat mai mult, cu atat mai bine. In bratele adultilor si cu ochii parintilor asupra lor. Pentru ca rasul nu e mereu la indemana sau e mai putin bun parca.
Traumele de la nastere sunt si ele planse de bebelusi, cica.
Controversata probabil e ideea alaptatului ca tipar de control. Tot tipare de control sunt considerate la copii suzeta, suptul degetului, etc, iar la adulti fumatul, mancatul excesiv, privitul la tv la greu...
Nu e usor de acceptat ideea ca ar trebui sa lasi copilul sa planga tinandu-l in brate, cum e constienta si autoarea. Parerea autoarei e ca nu e usor de acceptat fiindca majoritatea oamenilor nu au fost lasati sa planga bine sau suficient in copilarie. Si mai pare sa creada ca multe rele ar disparea doar daca oamenii ar fi lasati sa planga mai mult in prezenta cuiva iubitor.
Impotriva practicilor de timeout si crying out, al dormitului separat la bebelusi.
Pentru alta perspectiva a acelorasi lucruri: alte amanunte despre triburile kung despre care mai citisem si in alte carti de parenting, acolo fiind laudate pentru purtatul copiilor si alaptarea deasa. Aici e vazut si dincolo de beneficii, si niste practici ale lor care nu ar fi musai de urmat, gen renuntarea la colostru si interzicerea plansului cand sunt intarcati fortat.
S-ar rezuma : Lasati copiii sa planga. Cu cat mai mult, cu atat mai bine. In bratele adultilor si cu ochii parintilor asupra lor. Pentru ca rasul nu e mereu la indemana sau e mai putin bun parca.
Traumele de la nastere sunt si ele planse de bebelusi, cica.
Controversata probabil e ideea alaptatului ca tipar de control. Tot tipare de control sunt considerate la copii suzeta, suptul degetului, etc, iar la adulti fumatul, mancatul excesiv, privitul la tv la greu...
Nu e usor de acceptat ideea ca ar trebui sa lasi copilul sa planga tinandu-l in brate, cum e constienta si autoarea. Parerea autoarei e ca nu e usor de acceptat fiindca majoritatea oamenilor nu au fost lasati sa planga bine sau suficient in copilarie. Si mai pare sa creada ca multe rele ar disparea doar daca oamenii ar fi lasati sa planga mai mult in prezenta cuiva iubitor.
Impotriva practicilor de timeout si crying out, al dormitului separat la bebelusi.
Pentru alta perspectiva a acelorasi lucruri: alte amanunte despre triburile kung despre care mai citisem si in alte carti de parenting, acolo fiind laudate pentru purtatul copiilor si alaptarea deasa. Aici e vazut si dincolo de beneficii, si niste practici ale lor care nu ar fi musai de urmat, gen renuntarea la colostru si interzicerea plansului cand sunt intarcati fortat.
February 11, 2020
Great book for parents, for anyone working with kids and for adults in general. It reminds us how healthy and necessary it is to cry and accept tears.
May 7, 2020
Citind aceasta carte efectiv m-am luminat si mi-am dat seama ca alaptatul poate deveni usor un tipar de control.
Sper sa reusesc sa scot din rutina copilului acest lucru.
Plansul si crizele nu trebuie sa fie vazute ca un bau bau.
Recomand aceasta carte tuturor parintilor, ideal inainte de nasterea copilului.
Sper sa reusesc sa scot din rutina copilului acest lucru.
Plansul si crizele nu trebuie sa fie vazute ca un bau bau.
Recomand aceasta carte tuturor parintilor, ideal inainte de nasterea copilului.
February 16, 2021
E o carte de avut in casă si de recitit in zilele in care copilul e intr-o perioada de aia "nimic nu il mulțumește". O cu totul si cu totul alta perspectivă fata de ce înseamnă plânsul la copii (si nu numai).
June 14, 2022
Knyga svarbi perskaityti visiems tėvams. Ypač tiems, kurių vaikai beveik neverkia, o kodėl sužinotų ją perskaitę :)
Sužinojau tikrai daug naujo, padeda formuoti požiūrį į vaikų “ožius”, susiprasti ir nors tikrai nelengva pritaikyti knygoje siūlomus veiksmus, bent jau galima eiti ta linkme ir griauti tam tikrus įsitikinimus.
Viena geriausių knygų apie vaikų auginimą.
Sužinojau tikrai daug naujo, padeda formuoti požiūrį į vaikų “ožius”, susiprasti ir nors tikrai nelengva pritaikyti knygoje siūlomus veiksmus, bent jau galima eiti ta linkme ir griauti tam tikrus įsitikinimus.
Viena geriausių knygų apie vaikų auginimą.
December 5, 2025
Naudinga knyga, ypač ‒ tiems, kurie auga su mažais vaikais ir ieško atidesnio, empatiškesnio požiūrio į emocijas. Jei norite ne tik suprasti vaiko emocijas, bet ir peržiūrėti savo pačių reakcijas, baimes, santykį su emocijomis — ši knyga apie tai.
Knygoje yra tokia eilutė: “Meilės ir dėmesio vaikui reikia tada, kai jis savo elgesiu mažiausiai to nusipelno”. Tai ši mintis manau labiausiai apie knygą.
Knygoje yra tokia eilutė: “Meilės ir dėmesio vaikui reikia tada, kai jis savo elgesiu mažiausiai to nusipelno”. Tai ši mintis manau labiausiai apie knygą.
April 29, 2023
It’s an interesting book, I’d reccomend. However, it was written a very long time ago, therefore it is based on research from 70’ - 90’. I was constantly thinking if there is more up to date research and if it would supoort it. Ir would be nice if the book could be up dated with new research data.
January 10, 2024
I took her less serious after she mentioned that she remembers being dropped at her grandparents at the age of 3 and got anxious and cried. I refuse to believe one can remember the events when they are this small.
December 27, 2023
Raamatu peamine mõte aksepteerida lapse nuttu ja lasta tal süles tühjaks nutta, et vabaneda pingest ja stressist kõlab veenvalt. Kuigi raamatus on ka mõningaid kaheldava väärtusega eeldusi, järeldusi ja soovitusi autor kipub liialt tõlgendama kõike läbi ühe prisma), siis ta annab lapsevanemale ühe täiendava vaatenurga ja nö meetodi/tööriista. Mul on kahju et seda raamatut mõned kuud tagasi juba ei lugenud, arvatavasti oleksid mõned õhtud olnud kergemad. Peale raamatu lugemist olen muutnud oma suhtumist ja käitumist ning tunnen end lapsevanemana kindlamalt.
PS: Raamat sobib pigem sirvimiseks, peamine tees on selgitatud esimese paarikümne leheküljega. Ülejäänud on sama mõtte kordamine teiste sõnadega ja täiendamine näidetega. Venib üsna tüütult.
PS: Raamat sobib pigem sirvimiseks, peamine tees on selgitatud esimese paarikümne leheküljega. Ülejäänud on sama mõtte kordamine teiste sõnadega ja täiendamine näidetega. Venib üsna tüütult.
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