Raising Resilient Children with a Borderline or Narcissistic Parent

by Margalis Fjelstad, Jean McBride

Being partnered with a narcissist or borderline personality can be hard enough, but learning how to shield children from the fallout is paramount. Here, the authors show readers how to manage parenting when a narcissistic or borderline partner is part of the equation.

Life in a narcissistic family system is at best challenging, and too often filled with chaos, isolation, emotional outbursts, and rigid controlling behaviors. It is too often devoid of peace and emotional safety. In the worst outcomes, children in these families grow up with low self-worth, issues with trust and belonging, and a lack of self-compassion. They are at significant risk of carrying the cycle forward and having poor adult relationships.



This book offers a way to intervene and disrupt the cycle of negative outcomes for children. Written by two family therapists who bring a combined total of sixty years of clinical practice with individuals and families, the book pulls no punches, giving clear-headed advice, easy to follow actions to help children, and an abundance of teaching examples.



Instead of the doom and gloom scenarios often presented about life with a narcissist or borderline, this book provides a much more positive outlook, and most importantly, it offers hope and a path to an entirely different outcome for the family members. Supported by current research in neuroscience, mindfulness and parenting information, the book focuses on teaching resilience and self-compassion to raise emotionally healthy children, even in a narcissistic family system.



It starts by helping parents get a clear understanding of what they face with a narcissistic or borderline partner. There is no room here for denial, but there are also many options to explore. It explains how and why the narcissistic family system functions so poorly for raising healthy children, and pinpoints the deficits while providing information on how to intervene more effectively for the benefit of the children.



Using their years of experience, the authors present ideas for staying together as well as knowing when to leave the relationship and how best to do that. Emphasis throughout the book is on supporting and strengthening the reader with encouragement, concrete ideas, skills and compassionate understanding.

Genres: Parenting, Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Audiobook, Mental Health

208 pages, Kindle Edition

Published October 7, 2020

Reviews

[Ari · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF. Can't get past how she lumps NPD and BPD together without really getting into what makes them entirely different disorders. I have been diagnosed with BPD and I'm pregnant so I picked up this book because I'm trying to prevent myself from making the same mistakes as my NPD father. Everything she describes is about NPD and yet she always says NP/BP as if it's the same thing. It's not. I am aware of when I make mistakes, she blatantly says people with BPD are incapable of that, because she lumps them in with NPD. Plenty of people with BPD are self aware and working toward being better people, like myself. I am LIGHTYEARS away from who I was when I was at my worst, even though I still have shit to work on. She seriously makes us seem like we are completely incapable of changing or even being aware that we need to change. That is much more common in NPD but even some people with NPD are capable of self awareness and get help. NOBODY is beyond saving. I hate her attitude and how anyone can say she's compassionate to both sides I cannot understand.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

More for an audience of those remaining in a marriage with this disorder. I do get a bit annoyed at advice that asks the children to tiptoe around the disordered parent and how you can help guide them to not upset the other parent.

[Bethany · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this to be a helpful resource for anyone who is parenting with someone who has borderline or narcissistic traits, or for anyone who has a parent with these traits. It strikes a good balance between boundary-setting and kindness - both to self and to the other individual - and provides step-by-step direction for how to proceed in a number of situations. Highly recommended!

*I received an electronic ARC from the publisher via NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.*

[Susie Stangland · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a personal read having had a challenging childhood. . My children are grown but I feel you are never too old to learn something new which will help with preventing repeating the past. I’ve studied this topic for decades and feel this book brings something fresh to the table. Readers will find behaviors they can implement to help children and themselves feel secure and loved with all the world brings despite the family dynamics. Highly recommend!

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so great. It’s incredibly encouraging especially because it suggests I do a lot of the same kinds of things I’m already doing. It’s helpful to know someone has been through what I’m going through, understands my angst, and believes me AND offers solutions so I can help my family begin to heal even while we are in the midst of this Uck.

[Chanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book I’ve seen yet on this topic. Highly recommend for anyone who needs this as a resource.

[Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

I guess after 7 years you figure some things out yourself. I think this is also more helpful for people still in a relationship with the other parent. Still some good gems in here and very validating and reassuring.

[A · Rating 2 out of 5]

I have mixed feelings about this book, but they’re honestly mostly negative. First, I think it’s a missed opportunity to write this pretty completely from the perspective of a person choosing to stay with their abusive partner. The book would be much more useful if it also covered how to co-parent with an ex partner. Especially since most of us are told to leave if we can. Second, I find it to be incredibly ableist. The repeated directions to maintain your emotional and physical health drove me insane as a person who struggles with mental illness (not a personality disorder) and serious, debilitating health issues. Every time it was mentioned I felt like I couldn’t be what my child needs because I can’t make myself magically healthy. And yet, I am her rock and her safe place in her own words, and I am also mentally ill and physically disabled. It does make it harder, but it’s not a choice. Of course I do what I can to tend to those things, but the book seems to say you must eradicate them in order to be the rock your children need. Third, they consistently describe NPDs and BPDs as mentally ill, which I suppose they are, but as a person with mental illness that doesn’t abuse people, it felt like more of a distinction or different wording is needed. Helpful aspects of the book were descriptions of attributes you might see in a narcissistic parent and the child of a narcissist, and clear examples of how to word some explanations to kids that validate their experiences, do not excuse their BPD/NPD parent’s behaviors, but also aren’t just speaking angrily or unkindly about the other person. It’s the best I’ve found so far to address that question of how not to end up gaslighting your children about what they’re seeing and experiencing while also not falling into parental alienation. I chose to describe it more like it’s framed in “it’s not you.” That the other parent has a personality type… which I did not give a name… not the other parent has a mental illness, because my child and I both also have mental illness and there needs to be absolute clarity that there is also some choice and lack of accountability involved here when BPD/NPD people fail to take any responsibility for themselves and their actions. I know several BPD people who have sought treatment and successfully improved with it, and I understand that’s basically impossible with NPDs, but mental illness does not equal abuse.

[Gregory Eakins · Rating 2 out of 5]

Raising Resilient Children with a Borderline or Narcissistic Parent is a guide to raising children with a parent who is Borderline or Narcissistic. The main challenges arise from their inherent unpredictability in their emotions and actions.

For the most part, this book proposes that you, the (allegedly) level-headed parent, take on the majority of the parenting burden. All you need to do is fill in for what your partner is not giving the children, and do all the standard parenting things.

The main struggle I had with this book is that they constantly treat BPD and NPD as one in the same. She will frequently run across behaviors or descriptions that perfectly fit my own experiences with one, and then proceed to lump it in with the very different behavior patterns of the other. I'm no psychologist, but I don't feel that these should be treated as one in the same. What you end up with is a generic approach that is far less helpful or, in many cases, won't apply to your situation.

In addition, the approach seems to assume that you are planning to stay with your problemed partner. The option of leaving them and coparenting is hardly entertained at all. I feel like there could be a valuable discussion in going this way, but that is entirely left out.

[Chelsea · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a real straight shooter- it doesn’t muck anything up with lots of detail, but rather keeps it simple and direct. I would actually recommend it to someone looking for a general parenting skills book who also doesn’t want long and drawn out explanations. As for parenting with a NP (the reason I listened to it), I wish it would have covered more on the divorce scenario (though I really appreciated the recommendations!), and discussed what to do when the NP is manipulating the children’s thoughts and relationship with their caretaker parent in families where divorce has occurred. Overall, great book though! Will recommend!

[Jenny Preston · Rating 4 out of 5]

Validating book on parenting in this ridiculously challenging situation. The one downside would be the emphasis on caretaking (literally "the caretaking parent") in situations where you're just enabling terrible behavior. But I know I'm projecting; some of the phrasing really rubbed me wrong where they encouraged bending over backwards to compensate for nastiness from the NP parent. Overall, an encouraging read despite that.

[Amanda Franklin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Listened, didn’t read. Excellent book of coparenting with someone diagnosed with these conditions, as well as any type of addictions, since the behaviors are very similar.

The work falls on the non-diagnosed parent (caregiver) but it all does anyway and provides lots of tools for navigating tricky situations.

[Saman Kareem · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best book I’ve ever read about narcissistic parents and their effects on the children. But the problem is that authors in the whole book wrongly mixed between Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They are not even close and totally opposite in so many aspects. But generally speaking it is a very good book to read and I recommend it.

[Debbie Russell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book as the child of a BPD mother because its discussion on the family unit was enlightening. It could have been written for my dad. I'm grateful that he was secure enough in himself to parent us as both mother and father, as my mother simply was not up to the task. Highly recommended.

[Cindy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent. Together, 60 years of experience in this book that comes shining through. I would of liked to read this book years ago, however I now have the knowledge and hope to proceed into tomorrow.

[Courtney Pence · Rating 2 out of 5]

Had some good points but more or less repetitive. Annoying as an audio book. The story at the ending was a bit like a fairy tale.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must for parents who are coparenting with a narcissist. The book has basic information that is both practical and useful. I highly recommend.

[Ashley Van Gilder · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wish I would have read this 10 years ago. It's short but I found it very practical with great examples I can relate to.

[Morrigan M · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wish I had found this book sooner. It is a wonderful help.

[Greg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book, so much useful information. The book I wish I'd had years ago.

[Anabel Castro · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book helped me navigate a complicated co-parenting situation

[Brooke Pardue · Rating 4 out of 5]

I would definitely recommend to anyone who is parenting with a narcissist. I wish this book would’ve gave more real life scenarios.

[Andrea Martineau · Rating 5 out of 5]

A sanity saver.

[Beth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Listened on audiobook, excellent for anyone needing specific resources regarding the needs of children in this family dynamic.

[Fred · Rating 2 out of 5]

The primary keywords are borderline and narcissistic, not resiliency... The terms borderline and narcissistic are to be taken at the first degree...

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is full of excellent, useful, constructive advice. Once you have accepted that a person with borderline/narcissistic traits is grappling with mental health issues that are persistent and intractable, and that they are incapable of cooperation, constructive communication, or any meaningful self-reflection, you realize that you have no choice but to figure out how to gently coach a child to navigate the inecmvitably fraught relationship, and this book is full of suggestions for building resilience in children by instilling love and confidence, and remaining vigilant in the role of the sole source of steady and unconditional support, even in the face of the common rebellious rejection and lack of awareness exhibited by teens and young adults in such scenarios.

[Kesa Ennen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a must read if you are raising kids with a narcissist in the home. It gives good tools on how to respond despite the disfunction so the children can grow into healthy adults. I recommend highlighting or underlining as you read for quick reference later on.

[Cherish · Rating 5 out of 5]

So helpful

This was such a valuable read for me in my family situation. I'm grateful this resource exists. I highly recommend it!