Young Wives' Tales: New Adventures in Love and Partnership

by Jill Corral (Editor), Lisa Jervis, Lisa Miya-Jervis (Editor)

The term “wife” is fraught with conflicting connotations for many young women today. Although the word suggests companionship and commitment, it’s weighted with the knowledge that marriage is a male-dominated institution in which women have been subservient for centuries. In this provocative collection of essays, writers in their twenties and thirties discuss how they’re navigating the waters of sanctified long-term relationships. Juhu Thukral speaks of marrying to please her traditional Indian parents; Rachel Fudge wonders whether alternative ceremonies can lead to greater equality in marriage; Kate Epstein tries to balance motherhood with a career; Kristy Harcourt, a lesbian, discusses her ambivalence about marriage ceremonies; and Leslie Miller struggles with being identified as half of a couple.

Genres: Nonfiction, Feminism, Memoir, Essays, Anthologies, Gender Studies, Marriage

320 pages, Paperback

First published May 18, 2001

Reviews

[Ciara · Rating 3 out of 5]

i have some misgivings about putting this on the "radical non-fiction" shelf, because it's not necessarily all that radical. it's a collection of essays by feminists about what the institution of "marriage" or long-term partnership in general means to modern-day feminism. one of the editors is lisa jervis of "bitch" magazine, & i usually enjoy her essays in other collections, & plus, you know, i have been married & divorced at a young age (i was only 23 when i decided to get divorced--it kind of blows my mind now), & i've been with my current boyfriend now for two years & we live together & talk about marriage like it's a foregone conclusion that we'll eventually get around to, so...why not see what some other folks have to say?

this book came out in 2001, & this might sound weird, but...i don't think it's held up that well. i know that was only eight years ago, but i feel like culture & politics are moving so fast these days, a lot of the ideas in this book did not feel timely. & many of them addressed relationships that unfolded during the 90s, which seems like it was eons ago at this point. people wrote about e-mail in some of the essays like it was this wacky newfangled technology, which it kind of was in 2001 (i myself did not own a computer until 2003), but now, it seems really dated.

other folks who wrote this book up for goodreads remarked on the way each essay seems to unfold with a similar trajectory: "i used to think thus & so because i was raised in this post-second wave generation where women were supposed to be free, & then i had such & such an experience or feminist revelation, & here's my tidy happy ending." i would be very curious to know how many authors are still with the partners they wrote about...because almost every contributer wrote about a specific partner they are currently dating/engaged to/married to, who is somehow magically The One Who Changed Their Perspective On Marriage One Way Or Another. & i mean...i have a boyfriend, i think he is a special person, there are times when i think, "i've never felt this way about anyone before!" but after reading an entire 300-page book of people gushing over their partners that way, you start to see romance as this exercise in collective delusion & you start bitterly hoping for all the writers to have split with their partners, just so you can say, "haha, not so special after all." i know, i'm awful.

a word on the foreword, which was written by bell hooks in the midst of her love trilogy--blech. i know a lot of people love her love trilogy & it helps them see the world with new eyes or whatever, but i found it repetitive, boring, & insipid, & the foreword here is more of the same. & she does her classic bell hooks move of citing her own books as sources for her ideas. yeah, she's paid her dues & has had a major hand in shaping feminism over the last 25 years, but i could do without the spiritual hand-holding.

the essays are a motely crew, & there are too many to really get into them, so i'll only comment on what really stood out. i liked bee lavender's piece about being a teenage army bride. i liked the weird one called "my best friend's not coming to my wedding" because of the depictions of the pink house & girl solidarity, but i didn't like it for flat-out stating that modern-day feminism is about respect for any & all choices a woman makes, regardless of political context. um, no, but thanks for playing. i kind of hated the piece about being in a three-way relationship. i'm sorry, but when a dude has two ladyfriends, i can't help but think that he's a sleazemonger. yuck yuck yuck. & the idea of both the ladies bearing his children & them all raising the kids together made me lose my lunch a little. do what you want in the bedroom, but leave innocent children out of the arrangement! maybe that's awful & regressive of me. okay. there was some ridiculous piece that was basically just one woman's very detailed wedding plans, something involving handfasting & pagan rituals. it was ATROCIOUSLY UPROARIOUS. her partner wore a TUNIC & CAPE to the ceremony. all i could think was that someone nearby was selling elephant ears & the ceremony had to be done by 4pm so everyone could get over to the jousting pit on time. i'm sorry--i will always make fun of ren faire people, ALWAYS. even though my sister is one (yes, she owns & wears a cape). & seriously...a pagan handfasting? are you JOKING? i remember the first time i ever heard of handfasting, i laughed until tears rolled down my face. i don't get how people get into that shit & don't see it as somewhat appropriative, or at least embarrassing. then again, there are LARPers in the world. it takes all kinds.

yeah, lots of shit in here about, oh, is it okay for me to get married even though queer couples aren't allowed? well, i feel weird about it, but i'm going to do it anyway because...i don't have a good reason. i just wanna. or, i might be straight but i REFUSE marriage on the grounds that it marginalizes queers & OPPRESSES WIMMIN, so let me get up on my soapbox & make you want to marry the first person you see just to spite my self-righteous bullshit. oh, should we have babies? i don't know, maybe. but maybe not. lets' get up on a political high horse about it. i mean, look, i was on that political high horse too when i was married...because i was TWENTY-ONE MOTHERFUCKING YEARS OLD & i was on a political high horse about everything then! then i stopped thinking that the world world cared about my personal business, i got divorced, & now i'm a grown woman who, yes, is a feminist, & yes, i acknowledge that my "choices" are constrained & informed by political context & a variety of interlocking privileges & oppressions. & yes, i have conflicted feelings about marriage & motherhood, regardless of how things end up for me. but someone STOP ME if i start calling myself a "wyfe" or opt to write an essay regaling the whole world with the minutiae of my private wedding rituals in an effort to prove how edgy & politically alternative i am. which is to say, this book got old fast.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

I went back and forth on this book. It was a gift from my very dear friend Leah, and follows on many very interesting conversations we've had about love and partnership. As a person in a committed, long-term relationship who nonetheless has severe misgivings about the institution of marriage, I seem like a natural fit for this book, and to some extent that's true. I thought a few of the essays were brilliant, quite a few intriguing or insightful. Reading too many of them in a row, though, made me a little bit frustrated at the collective self-indulgence of a particular branch of third-wave feminism, a branch that seems to spend more time analyzing the feminism or lack thereof in individual decisions, rather than placing those decisions within the frame of a larger context. And the short-essay form, repeated over and over, dictated a slightly sitcom-esque cycle of problem and resolution. I would have liked a few more of these essays to end without resolution, or with some story arc other than "I used to have Problem/Trait/Opinion X; then I had experience Y and now I've come to realize Z." Or, at the very least, one or two longer essays would have enabled authors to delve into a greater level of social or relational complexity. Nonetheless, it was thought-provoking and readable. If you have to choose between this book and a nice chat with my friend Leah, though, I would definitely recommend the latter.

[anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's hard for me to rate a collection like this, so I think I'll list some of the essays that I really loved and that spoke to me:

"Twenty-One Questions," Jane Eaton Hamilton
"Why I Don't," Rachel Fudge
"Teenage Army Bride," Bee Lavender
"Answering Home," Katie Hubert
"Love, Loner Style," Andi Zeisler


I think the danger with an anthology like this is that some stories come off as repetitive (i met someone, this is what our partnership is/was like, this is what our wedding is/was like, this is how i feel/felt - of these ones, "A Bride's Anxiety" by Karen Eng is probably my favorite [although it also comes first], but i think i was less enamored with this pattern than some of the other forms). I recommend reading the essays in pieces, and spreading out the ones that fit that narrative (I think it's fairly easy to tell).

That said, I was extremely impressed with the variety of stories and styles - these women are far from monolithic and represent a wide variety of experiences and perspectives.

All in all, I think each reader will be drawn to different stories and most people will find something they identify with and something new and different to them.

[Caroline · Rating 5 out of 5]

For any woman who's getting married, thinking of getting married, wanting to get married, not wanting to get married, or whose friends are all getting married and she's not sure how she feels about it. (I was in the last category when I read this book.)

This is a sprawling, multivocal collection of essays about: getting married, staying single, having a commitment ceremony, being straight, being gay, being polyamorous, marrying the right person, marrying the wrong person, struggling with cultural expectations about marriage, exploding cultural expectations about marriage…

You'll nod agreement with some, want to argue loudly with others, and not quite get still others of these essays. And that's the idea. This is an absolutely stellar book for thinking about marriage from all perspectives. Read it if you've ever questioned what marriage might mean.

[Kirsten · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great collection of honest and thought-provoking essays from young women who are working out new definitions of love, marriage, and partnership. What does "married" mean if you're queer? What happens when a queer woman marries a straight man? There are essays here from people who've chosen to marry, legally or no, and how they arrived at that choice. There's an essay from a woman who's always been a chronic loner on the decision to share her home with her partner. There's a polyamorous triad. My favorite essay was "Why I Don't" by Rachel Fudge, which details the reasons she and her parner have decided not to marry.

[Krista · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW! I saw myself in some of these women and learned and struggled from and with the others. I think it shows all sorts of relationships and the power we have to declare our relationships to be what we want them to be instead of what people assume they are from outside looking in. I highly recommend it.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was very intriguing. It's a must read for anyone who will ever work with families and couples. If you thought that the only "alternative" (and I use that word with extreme disdain) couples were same-sex couples, think again. Entertaining and truthful.

[Jennifer · Rating 2 out of 5]

A few of the short stories I really enjoyed. Most of them, eh...not so much. The collection was trying to get experiences from all over the spectrum and it ended up trying to be "edgy" or something like that, and that't the exact why in the end, it didn't appeal to me.

[emma Slachta · Rating 5 out of 5]

a must-have for any feminist with the complex question of "to wed or not to wed?"

this book pretty much convinced me that marriage and feminism were not diametrically opposed-- in theory and in practice.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a good collection of short stories about love, marriage, having kids, etc. I appreciated that it was a diverse collection - hetero and gay relationships, married and not married, etc. A very thoughtful and enjoyable read.

[Elizabeth Ruth · Rating 3 out of 5]

it's always nice to read other intelligent women ruminating on getting married-- or committed, or whatevered, really.

i doubt this would interest someone who wasn't actively thinking about what she wants from a partnership, but if that's on your mind, these essays are great.

[Sivyu · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was really interesting collection of essays on different relationships. Some of the writers are better than others, but overall a good read. It really helped me come to terms with marriage not being the end of my life, just a beginning to another chapter.

[Phyllis · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's worth thinking, talking, and maybe writing about what you want from your next relationship.

[femily · Rating 5 out of 5]

delicious marrying of love and feminism.

[Brantlea · Rating 3 out of 5]

read this when I was engaged because a friend of mine has an essay in it, lots of great stories about unconventional marriages.

[jillbertini · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent range of essays from women in the 20s and 30s talking about feminism and marriage.

[Suzyn-elayne Soler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing! What a rich representation of marriage, relationships, partnerships!

[E. M. Keller · Rating 4 out of 5]

One day a lightbulb went off in my head when I realized that I could actually empower myself to propose to my boyfriend instead of him proposing to me. I mean...it is indeed 2022 and yet it's still pretty darn uncommon for women to choose when they get engaged in heterosexual relationships. So, in typical me fashion, instead of turning inward or discussing this idea with trusted friends and family, I looked to strangers on the internet. I wanted to find more women who proposed to their boyfriends and honestly not THAT much came up, but one article I read was very helpful and in said article my new friend recommended this book.

And boy, let me say this book was EYE OPENING. The overarching theme of this collection of essays is that there is no "right" way to do marriage. There were so many queer stories, stories of marriage with more than 2 partners, stories of partners from different cultural backgrounds, stories of people who cared about weddings and those that didn't!

Going into this new chapter in my life is exciting but it's also scary because there are sooo many expectations and opinions of what a wedding and a marriage should look like. And yet, at the end of the day what's important is finding what feels true to me and my partner and just being who we want to be for each other. The women of these essays have led an excellent example of how to do exactly what I want to do: love my partner and myself to the best of my ability

[Valerie Brett · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed reading a variety of perspectives (including heterosexual, homosexual and queer wives). The common thread is that they all consider themselves feminists and had to grapple with marriage in some way. They were all very interesting, well written, and together were a diverse set of experiences. Will definitely be recommending this to my female friends.

[lola · Rating 4 out of 5]

Super straight-forward feminist stuff, some queer, quite good.

[Carrie]

essays,women's studies