The New Topping Book

by Dossie Easton, Janet W. Hardy

Tens of thousands learned the emotional and ethical skills of BDSM topping from the first `Topping Book.` Now, in addition to the sage advice and good humor that made the first edition a classic, the authors tackle some of the issues that have come up for tops in the last six years: on-line domination, the challenges and rewards of `lifestyle` relationships, ensuring our own and our partners` safety, and more.

Genres: Sexuality, BDSM, Nonfiction, Queer, Relationships, Psychology, Self Help

221 pages, Paperback

First published March 1, 1996

Reviews

[OK · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a solid intro book to topping/dom dynamics — accessible writing, encouraging and non-judgemental language, a decent amount of nuance. It feels like Dossie and Janet are your kinky and occasionally problematic white lady aunties loud-whispering secrets to you in a movie theatre while making sure you’re on your shit with safer sex.

There are a lot of things missing in this book, especially re: BDSM with/for BIPOC. It was incredibly irritating to see the blurb mention folks of colour when the section is literally two pages long—definitely a marketing tool to make the book appear more intersectional than it is. The BIPOC “section” is superficial and cringeworthy; it assumes a white readership and lacks an authentic and comprehensive analysis of how people of color have to navigate power, access, and desirability in kink. Janet and Dossie could have, for example, invited and paid a BIPOC to write about their experiences, or they could have reflected on their positions as white women in the BDSM community.

There was also a lot missing in regards to navigating ethics, trauma, and joy for/with fat folks and disabled folks — for example, how might a person’s ability to engage in normative D/S actions like kneeling and spanking be different based on size or ability?, or how might the impact of shame and punishment around movement differently affect fat and/or disabled folks? I would have liked to see Janet and Dossie offer play alternatives for folks navigating these intersections, and provide a more sophisticated analysis of cultural and bodily barriers to BDSM.

I also had a p. intense reaction reading about D/S scenes replicating historical and ongoing oppressions but I don’t know enough to feel clear on where I stand. Don’t read the last couple chapters of appropriative new age spirituality junk.

Lastly, the book did a decent job talking about healing trauma through D/S dynamics, which I found intriguing. I found myself most interested when Janet and Dossie spoke about the psychology of topping, as well as sensory mindfulness, and I am curious to learn more. As an intro book, The New Topping Book does a pretty good job of opening a door to further exploration. I’m looking forward to checking out The New Bottoming Book, as well as resources written by trans/gnc and QTBIPOC kinksters.

3.5/5

[Anya · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm going to buy a paperback version of this book once I move out of my parents' place and put it on a bookshelf in my and the boyfriend's shared library. :")

[Annie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was very meh on this book. Someone else loaned it to me, so I figured I'd take a shot at it. I wasn't super impressed, to be honest. Granted, none of this was really new information to me, so unless you're an absolute beginner I'd suggest looking elsewhere. To be nit-picky, I found some of the "interludes" to be a little too purple-prosey for my taste. Also, the chapter on spirituality kind of threw me for a curve ball, and not in a good way. The book also seemed rather repetitive at times. But that alone wasn't enough to warrant a one star rating from me.

Most of my problems with the book stemmed from the "darkside s/m" chapter, as well as the mentions of rape fantasy sprinkled randomly throughout the book. Twice "molest" turned up as a positive verb, with zero context or provocation. There's a difference between kink shaming and knowing when to respect people's past histories with sexual abuse/rape/trauma. (I guess it comes down to personal hangups, but I've noticed a tendency in the BDSM community to whine about kink shaming while disregarding the experiences of survivors, so.) Honestly, they could have just keep that stuff in chapter 15, I didn't need mentions of dressing up as a rapist in the chapter about costuming. And personally I found a lot of the stuff about acting out dark fantasies to be very apologist. Okay, you understand that acting out racist/sexist/etc stereotypes is in of itself a form of oppression, but since you're just playing around and you don't mean any hard that suddenly absolves you from the fact that it's racist/sexist/etc. Nothing exists in a vacuum. (Also, people getting offended by the offensive slurs you might use during your undoubtedly culture appropriating kink play is somehow oppressing you? Are you fucking kidding me right now?)

On the plus side, I did appreciate mentions of POC, gender fluid, and trans* people. So, uh, there's that. (Not enough to make it a two star rating though.)

[Aenea Jones · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really tried to read this with an open mind.

I knew it would be hard, because to me, pain and pleasure are two distinct things. My body has one canal for pleasure, and another one for pain, and they are the exact opposite of each other.
So the idea of submissive people, who actually enjoy to be controlled, hurt and humiliated, and the concept of dominant people who enjoy controlling, hurting and humiliating others, for sexual pleasure on top of that, is downright harmful.
Yes, to me such behaviour is pathological, stemming from either childhood traumata or low self-esteem.
To me, healthy relationships are equal.

But one of my favourite fictional characters used to be a sub in a BDSM relationship, so I took this as a motivation to read up on the subject, to get behind the psychology of it, hoping to get a better understanding.
Maybe I was just ignorant, right?
If I was, I still am, because the concept of such practices and relationships eludes me. I cannot fathom how such an unequal shift of power can be enjoyable.

This book sounded like one huge justification to act out your inner sadist, bully, villain, whatever harmful behaviour, without getting busted. Yes, submissive people consent to those actions. But does that change anything, really?
The fact is, you get sexual pleasure out of humiliating someone, by treating them badly. Just because they like that doesn't make your perversion better. It just shows there are equally misguided people that fit your needs.
The authors stress the boundary between fantasy and reality, but as soon as you act out the fantasy, it becomes reality.

Towards the end of the book, the authors also mention the connection to trauma and damage:

"Forbidden emotions sent to the deep freeze commonly include pathos, anger, shame, terror, villainy and victimhood. Starting to sound familiar? So our thesis is that it just might be that our kinky desires, the drives that lead us to enact our dark and dangerous fairy tales, may very well be the longing to reunite with a part of ourselves that we have lost in the Shadow."

"People are attracted to playing in their shadows because it is very hot, intriguing, sexy. Please don’t think that we are robots doomed to reenact the dysfunctions of our childhoods over and over without release, but rather that we seek out opportunities to struggle with these conflicts so that we have a chance to make the story come out differently. If we let these desires drive us without our awareness, they may manifest in destructive ways."

So basically, if you enjoy BDSM, you ARE compensating for something that has gone wrong.
I feel my initial idea that the desire for such practices is connected to mental damage or trauma was right.

So if this book was completely not for me, then why two stars? I think it has value for people who are actually into this stuff.
Giving it a one-star rating would be like reading a book about recipes, then rating it one-star because I hate cooking.

[Dani · Rating 4 out of 5]

So, I visited my kinky chosen-aunt again, and it was lovely, as always.

Definitely not a "how-to" book but validating, non-judgmental and delving into some important psychological depths. Loved the feminist perspective. It's a classic.

[Cher · Rating 2 out of 5]

These Easton books taught me absolutely nothing about how to approach topping, bottoming, or a poly lifestyle. All they say is to communicate and sit patiently with whatever your partner has to say unless it cramps your poly style -- hey what a great idea! to talk to your partner! & your "wrong"-headed feelings of jealousy will magically go away if you just talk yourself out of them.

There is very little practical advice about how to find community, multiple approaches to different types of relationships, etc. It's a very "free to be you and me as long as you're cool with everything" attitude. I think the reason they are so popular is because there really aren't very many good non-fiction books out there about these issues.

I'm waiting for Easton to write a beyond-the-basics book that explores the issues far deeper. One brief chapter of The Lesbian Sex Manual has more information about fantasy exploration and its benefits and potential hazards than do these books added together. And if you are interested in polyamory, try The Lesbian Polyamory Reader. You don't have to be a lesbian to appreciate the multiple perspectives expressed and the wisdom dispensed within.

[Chananja]

will review later
-- i guess i should also read the new bottoming book now since theyre basically companion pieces...⁽ʷʰᵉʳᵉ ⁱˢ ᵗʰᵉ ⁿᵉʷ ˢʷⁱᵗᶜʰ ᵇᵒᵒᵏ..?? ᵇᶦᵗ ᵃⁿⁿᵒʸᶦⁿᵍ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᶦᵗ ᵈᵒᵉˢⁿ'ᵗ ᵉˣᶦˢᵗ & ˢʷᶦᵗᶜʰᵉˢ ˢʰᵒᵘˡᵈ ʳᵉᵃᵈ ᵃ ᶜᵒᵐᵇᶦⁿᵃᵗᶦᵒⁿ ᵒᶠ ᵗᵒᵖ/ᵇᵒᵗᵗᵒᵐ ᵇᵒᵒᵏ ˢᶦⁿᶜᵉ ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵃˢˢᵘᵐᵉˢ ᵗʰᵉ ˢʷᶦᵗᶜʰ ᶦᵈᵉⁿᵗᶦᵗʸ/ᵖʳᵃᶜᵗᶦᶜᵉ ᵗᵒ ᵇᵉ ᵃ ᵐᵉʳᵍᶦⁿᵍ ᵒᶠ ᵗᵒᵖ/ᵇᵒᵗᵗᵒᵐ ᵈʸⁿᵃᵐᶦᶜˢ ʷʰᵉʳᵉᵃˢ ᶦ ᵗʰᶦⁿᵏ ᶦᵗˢ ᵃ ˢᵉᵖᵉʳᵃᵗᵉ ᶦᵈᵉⁿᵗᶦᵗʸ/ᵖʳᵃᶜᵗᶦᶜᵉ ʷᶦᵗʰ ᶦᵗˢ ᵒʷⁿ ᵘⁿᶦᵠᵘᵉ ˢᵉᵗ ᵒᶠ ᵇᵉʰᵃᵛᶦᵒʳˢ, ˢᵉⁿˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗᶦᵉˢ, ᵉᵗʰᶦᶜˢ, ⁿᵉᵍᵒᵗᶦᵃᵗᶦᵒⁿˢ, ᵃⁿᵈ ᵖᵒˢˢᶦᵇᶦˡᶦᵗᶦᵉˢ...⁾

[Zuzka Jakúbková · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good guide on navigating the "dominating" part of D/S relationships. Great sections on communication and dealing with your own negative energy. Excellent chapters on toys. Note to self: must buy more blindfolds.

[Frynne · Rating 4 out of 5]

It totally changed my views on BDSM. A journey into the unknown darkness.

[Kim BookJunkie ~ Editor & Proofreader · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am not a member of the BDSM community, just someone who enjoys reading BDSM fiction. Since I enjoy reading BDSM romance and am open to learning about things that might enhance my personal life, I decided to check this book out. I did occasionally skim through the chapters that were not applicable to me or did not interest me yet I was careful to base my star rating solely on the material I did read.

This book was highly recommended by a knowledgeable couple in a 24/7
D/s relationship. It was crystal clear that the authors our experts or at the very least possess a vast amount of knowledge on this subject. Unfortunately, I found the first half of this book to be extremely dull, at one point thinking about messaging the couple who recommended it to make sure they hadn't made a mistake! The initial parts of this book discuss basic, general aspects of BDSM. About 50% in, the book becomes much more interesting. The latter portions delves into some very deep issues, focused on information best suited for those who have been involved in BDSM for quite some time.

Although they did not achieve 100% success, it was evident to me that the authors attempted to write this book in a manner that was part educational and entertaining. Instead of just stating facts, the authors give us glimpses into their personal lives by sharing stories of experiences they and others in the lifestyle have had. They don't sugarcoat things and tell it how it is!

This book is likely to be of value to anyone interested in BDSM regardless of their level of experience. As long as you don't mind screaming or skipping when needed, those who are brand-new to BDSM and those who have been involved for years are likely to learn at least one new thing from this book.

[lala · Rating 2 out of 5]

RACISM WARNING!!!!!!!!
- scenes describing “cowboys and indians”
- scene describing an “indian maiden” played by a white woman
- WHITE WOMAN AUTHOR USES THE N WORD AND SAYS IT ALOUD IN THE AUDIOBOOK
- new agey butchered appropriations of Hinduism
- new agey butchered references to “native american wisdom stories.”

Fcking yikes!!!!!!!!!

This was my first ever introduction to BDSM and I listened to it as an audiobook. I am giving it 1 star instead of zero because there were sections describing the importance of consent, care, cleanliness, through emotional aftercare, large amounts of communication, choosing good/bad tops based on respectfulness, moving into and out of scenes, nonjudgmentalness about varying limits- and edge play being very mild for some people, and an overall focus on meaningful, nonjudgmental, transformative, cathartic, psychospiritual, integrative experiences. It made me feel empowered to explore naughty things consensually with people, create containers for playing out fantasies without causing harm, to think more deeply about what I like, and to explore the world of bdsm more- with just how expansive and inclusive it can be. VERY INTRODUCTORY!

[Mark Stone · Rating 5 out of 5]

When my girlfriend and I took our questions about our burgeoning interest in BDSM to our more experienced friends in Washington D.C., they recommended that we start with this book, and it's sister The New Bottoming Book. The authors write with wit and compassion, making this a fun, sexy, and comforting read.

It's important to remember, however, that this isn't a 'how-to' manual. It won't tell you how to play BDSM games with your lover - at most, there are a few scenes you might find interesting. It will tell you why you should be willing to give it a try, and it will explore what might be going on in your head to make all this stuff interesting to you.

Anyway, this book is an absolute winner. I can enthusiastically pass on my friends' recommendation to all comers.

[Fay Kanevsky · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very interesting and insightful! I absolutely learned a lot from this book and it made me want to read more on SM, BDSM history, and both in relation to queer history/culture and how they progress through time. If you’re seeing me read this in utter shock because you thought I was sexless and pure, that’s on you. THE kinky Jew is in fact kinky.

I started reading the topping one first even though the bottoming one comes first bc my gf ordered both and got this one first and I thought it would be fun if we read it together. I think it’s ok to read this one first but I will be reading the bottoming one next.

I would recommend anyone who is remotely interested in SM to read this for sure. Especially if you thrive off of rules and guidelines, which I do. Great discussions, perspectives, subjects, and variety overall. Looking forward to the next one.

[Beverly Diehl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent resource about topping for beginners that skims the various ways someone might want to top, what their responsibilities are to their bottoms, and a deeper look at the emotions that can be invoked playing this way. I had a lot of fun reading it, making the attached video review (https://youtu.be/dIuHyEtOrXg), and expect to be returning to it periodically. Highly recommended for both beginners, and for writers who want to include these kinds of scenes in their own work.

[Bryce · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting insight into the psychological aspects and motivations of D/s relationships. The authors provide some helpful relational tools, which I imagine would be beneficial, irrespective of relationship type. The writing style feels friendly and casual, but still informative.

[Mia · Rating 3 out of 5]

The New Topping Book is a great answer to the question many new tops have: "How do I actually do it?" This book isn't just a guide to resources and fundamentals of safety and communication, it walks you through creating a viable emotional and conceptual framework for your own domination.

The authors don't try to railroad the reader down one particular road; rather, they give you the tools to empower yourself and become confident enough to actually dive into play without excess worries or insecurities. This sort of comforting, non-judgemental attitude can be surprisingly rare in the BDSM community. It's super readable, very inclusive of different styles and intensities of play, and I think it's not only a good primer but a good refresher for more experienced players.

I wasn't too keen on the "interludes," which are essentially little snippets from friends or acquaintances of Hardy & Easton about their experiences. Theoretically these could be helpful but mostly they just read like smut and seemed kind of pointless. I also didn't love the inclusion of a chapter on "BDSM Spirituality." It felt like too much of a departure from the rest of the text to warrant being included, plus it was predictably new-agey and hippy-dippy and all that. So you get quotes like:

The cosmic river flows through each of us, bearing nourishment, washing away what we no longer need, making us wet.

Infusing BDSM with spiritual weight is totally fine, but I don't think it belongs in a primer for newbies. I made a concerted effort to read this chapter without judgement, but when the authors mentioned a rigger friend of theirs who saw visions of "animal spirits" and received psychic messages while tying people up, my eyes started to roll involuntarily. The conclusion is also a bit up-its-own-ass, talking about Lucifer and illuminating the darkness within and stuff like that, and I mean, come on now. We're not monks, we're people who like to flog others for fun. But I suppose it's better to treat BDSM with too much reverence than not enough.

All in all, definitely recommended as a resource for beginners. Feel free to take what you need from the text, though, and leave the rest. I can promise you the animal visions are not a requirement.

[Adam Wiggins · Rating 3 out of 5]

A “top” is someone who is dominant in sexual situations, including kink encounters (known as “scenes”). This book is intended as a handbook for learning to top safely, responsibly, and effectively.

Generally good content. I liked that they frequently described how a successful scene should make everyone involved feel.

The downside is that it wasn't very well-organized and felt rambly.

If you're looking for a general intro to kink, I recommend “Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns.” If you've read that and are looking for more, especially something topping-specific, you can do worse than this book.

Note the authors are the same ladies who gave us “The Ethical Slut,” the seminal work on ethical non-monogamy. They've apparently published many other sex and relationship books since.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really interesting, fairly comprehensive overview of ethics and communication skills for kinky relationships written by two queer (white) women, one of whom is also a therapist. I specify white because they make overtures to talking about race-related power dynamics and POC in the kink community, but don't get much farther than mere acknowledgement.

[Jaina Bee · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everything by this writing pair has been a welcome and often-referenced addition to my sex ed section. This could use another update, as so much continues to evolve in the worlds of sexual diversity, however it still contains fundamentally vital information and encouragement.

[BookAddict ✒ La Crimson Femme · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is an okay book to start out with for new tops. Explains some of the situations which may throw a new Top into a spin.

[Eli Poteet · Rating 5 out of 5]

woah

[Amber · Rating 4 out of 5]

Absolutely a must read if you want to or are doing anything BDSM related. It did take me a long time to finish (ghe). Because about 75% is a repeat that you have to talk to each other. Don't skip it because in these repeats are specific pointers for that chapter. But it did make it hard to keep it interesting.

[Teo · Rating 3 out of 5]

2018.11.07–2018.11.07

Contents

Easton D & Hardy JW (1996) (06:03) New Topping Book, The

Foreword
• revisioning
• what's changed?
• • the internet
• • D&S
• • more of us
• • language
• • BDSM
• • the interludes
• • we've changed too

Hello Again!
• yes, it's us again
• why we're writing this
• this is not a technical manual
• how we view BDSM
• how do you know you're a top?
• does there always have to be a top and a bottom?

01. What is it about Topping Anyway?
• building your hearth
• is all power the same?
• so what's in it for you?
• • empathy
• • creativity
• • bigness
• • nurturing
• • bullying
• • control
• • competence
• • self-knowledge
• what about bottoms?
• how are tops and bottoms interrelated?
• whose fantasy?
• symbolism and structure

02. What do Tops do?
• finding your top persona
• do you always have to have a role?
• where are the boundaries?
• safewords
• when you itch to go further
• if you're doing it, it's "real"

Interlude 1

03. Rights and Responsibilities
• the top's bill of rights
• • you have the right to clear communication
• • you have the right to expect support from your partner - whether you're in scene space or out of it
• • you have a right to be nurtured
• • you have the right to get your needs met
• • you have a right to responsiveness
• • you have a right to constructive feedback
• the top's list of responsibilities
• • you are responsible for knowing and stating your needs, wants and limits
• • you are responsible for following through on your promises
• • you are responsible for your own and your partner's physical safety
• • you are responsible for emergency preparedness
• • you are responsible for caring for your equipment
• • you are responsible for your own and your partner's emotional safety

04. How Do You Learn To Do This Stuff?
• do it yourself

Interlude 2

05. Soaring Higher
• getting technique out of the way
• staying open
• paying attention
• • muscle tension
• • breathing
• • posture and movement
• intuition and where to find it

06. BDSM Ethics
• consent
• respecting limits
• confidentiality
• boundaries and blaming
• hearing feedback
• respecting persons

07. On Your Mark... Get Set...
• communication skills for tops
• getting the information you need
• I-messages
• needy bottoms
• black holes
• activities that require special consent
• • sex
• • marks
• • pain
• • humiliation
• • phobias and turnoffs
• • high-risk play
• • limits of scene space
• • emotional limits
• limits for tops
• making room for your own needs

Interlude 3

08. Go!
• what do you do first?
• getting yourself turned on
• building
• impulse topping
• keeping it going
• taking control
• asking for direction
• how to be supportive
• checking in
• calibrating your bottom
• bottomless pits and "the forever place"
• closure
• winding down

09. And If It Doesn’t Go The Way You Planned?
• emotional glitches
• physical mishaps
• outside-world emergencies
• aftershocks (not the seismic kind)

10. Toys for Tops
• a basic toy selection
• • rope
• • restraints
• • blindfold
• • collar
• • clamps
• • candles
• • soft flogger
• • slapper or jockey bat
• • sex toys
• • safer sex supplies
• • emergency supplies
• more advanced toys
• • helplessness toys
• • toys for hitting
• • toys for pinching
• • toys for poking
• • toys that heat or cool
• • toys that zap
• • toys for turning on and getting off
• • toys for role-playing
• • toys for the road
• • maintaining toys
• • some final thoughts on toys

Interlude 4

11. Finding Others
• first things first
• virtual communities
• munches
• leather bars
• support groups
• the kink communities and people of color
• ok, but where are all the bottoms?
• it pays to advertise
• get the word out
• to cruise or not to cruise?
• introducing BDSM into an existing relationship
• choosing the right bottom
• • responsibility for ones own actions
• • ability to give as well as take
• • discretion
• • self-control
• • supportiveness

12. Special Cases
• novices
• professional domination
• public play

13. Full-Time D/S
• fluidity
• activities and behaviors
• what's in it for the submissive?
• contracts and symbols
• • the duration of the contract
• • symbols
• • obligations
• • ways to communicate
• • agreements about sex and play with others
• • disagreements
• about collars
• how do you keep it fresh?

14. Shadow Play: Darkside S/M
• what is it?
• playing in the shadow
• playing with cultural trauma
• what is the attraction?
• from the bottom
• from the top
• how do you do it?
• aftercare
• public play
• healing
• deep emotional safety
• how do you do it?
• beginning
• middle
• ending
• what about therapy?
• shadows and rebirth

15. S/M Spirituality: From The Top
• shadow and spirit
• S/M ritual as spiritual path
• edge play
• roles in ritual
• ritual practice
• planning and negotiating
• power and manifestation

16. The Light That Shines In The Darkness

[A. Housewife · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm new to the topic and as an introduction to the topic goes, I found it informative and enlightening. I wanted insight into the psychodynamics and I found it very satisfying in that sense. A lot of reviews say they felt they didn't learn much but as someone pretty much new to the topic I can say this is a fantastic introductory book.

[Lavonda Sharpe · Rating 3 out of 5]

Let me start by saying I am only doing a review because I was asked to. This wasn’t what I thought it would be. This book we was not about how to top; but more so the education of topping not what I was looking for. With that being said it gave some tips on where to find other tops and bottoms.

[Rachael · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some things were outdated of course, but overall an informative read for kinksters of all kinds.

[Edward · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a fairly comprehensive beginners' guide. It was well written, lively, and approachable. All good things. If it has a strength, it is that the authors, Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, are very concerned with making sure that there is something useful for any new or would-be top who reads this book. The trade-off is that this is an extremely generalist book that is not going to be fully applicable to individual circumstances.

Note well: this is not a how-to manual. There are no guides to knots, technique, etc. There are some very basic lists of supplies you can purchase as you start to explore any interest you may have in tying or restraining your partner, or applying this or that sort of painful sensation, or what have you. You're not going to learn how to safely tie someone's wrists, or where it is and is not safe to flog someone. You'll learn the difference between rope bondage and handcuffs and (broadly) which of the two is safer for beginners. They give a basic, high-level explanation of the difference between a flogger and a riding crop.

Easton and Hardy don't dismiss the minutiae of technique as unimportant. Far from it; they are very clear about the responsibilities that come with rendering someone helpless. Tops have a burden of care to make sure nobody suffers permanent harm, and because of this responsibility the authors insist that a top shouldn't attempt any technique that he or she can't be sure of using in a safe, controlled manner.

A few principles seem to have guided Easton and Hardy in the penning of this volume. First, they're very much in favor of involving oneself in a local BDSM community, attending "munches" (jargon for informal, fully-clothed meet-and-greet sessions open to anyone who wants to attend), taking classes and attending demos. All great advice if you are in a place that has a community to join. Second, they assume pretty firmly that theirs readers are single or non-monogamous. If you're in a committed, monogamous relationship, a lot of their advice is going to have to be adapted heavily to your situation. They don't talk about technique because they are focused on motivation.

If you want technique, there are dozens of excellent guides to knots, whips, ropes, sex toys, and everything else you can think of. Plus videos all over the Internet.

The New Topping Book still is worth reading. I'm new enough to have found it enlightening, even after parsing Easton and Hardy through the perspective of a rural, monogamous, heterosexual reader.

If you are part of the core audience for this book and you live in a major city, it will be much more useful to you. It wasn't a perfect fit for me, but there's a relative scarcity of beginners' guides to the emotional/mental life of a top to begin with. I'll read the rest of these authors' work, based on what is here, because I think there are useful tidbits to be gleaned from them.

[Charles Daniel · Rating 5 out of 5]

An Amazingly Dense Book

I mean "dense" in the sense of being packed with information, concepts, and thought provoking stories and questions. So much so that I found myself highlighting entire paragraphs.

There is an uplifting philosophy of respect for oneself and for others which runs through the book. This promotes empathy towards others and development of self-understanding.

This is a book which will require multiple readings with periods of reflection and exploration between readings from which to garner the greatest benefit.

[tatiana · Rating 3 out of 5]

i was (literally, not figuratively or euphemistically) reading it for a friend

[Alistair Hawthorne · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't know what I was expecting. I guess I was just curious.
If you don't know anything about BDSM relationships, then go ahead and knock yourself out. If you are acquainted with the scene or take part in it, don't bother, you likely know everything in the book already.
Pretty much everything in this book is common sense and obvious to me. There are some good insights or well-put thoughts, but an overwhelming majority of the book is filler content and repetition.
My issue is mainly the writers' assumption that there is an inherent order or structure to play sessions or scenes that have to be adhered to and respected at all times. Granted, you plan your acts ahead, take into account myriad minute nuances, stay focused and connected with your sub the whole time, but BDSM relationship dynamic is highly subjective and empathetic. Many times, the unwritten rules or procedures are discarded and replaced by partners' mutual agreements and ways.
That issue is reinforced by constant recaps of writer's personal accounts of public play sessions, which are, frankly, of very little interest and importance and are brought up too often.

I skipped some parts, mostly irrelevant Interludes and many parts of the ending which for some reason delved into spiritualism and dragged our old boy Jung into it.

All in all, I convinced myself to never touch any book that deals with romantic or sexual relationships as it's all baloney.