I'll Be Seeing You: A Memoir

by Elizabeth Berg

The beloved New York Times bestselling author tells the moving love story of caring for her parents in their final years in this beautifully written memoir.

Elizabeth Berg's father was an Army veteran who was a tough man in every way but one: He showed a great deal of love and tenderness to his wife. Berg describes her parents' marriage as a romance that lasted for nearly seventy years; she grew up watching her father kiss her mother upon leaving home, and kiss her again the instant he came back. His idea of when he should spend time away from her was never.

But then her father developed Alzheimer's disease, and her parents were forced to leave the home they loved and move into a facility that could offer them help. It was time for their children to offer practical advice, emotional support, and direction, to the best of their ability--to, in effect, parent the people who had for so long parented them. It was a hard transition, mitigated at least by flashes of humor and joy. But the mix of emotions on everyone's part could make every day feel like walking through a minefield. Then came redemption.

I'll Be Seeing You charts the passage from the anguish of loss to the understanding that even in the most fractious times, love can heal, transform, and lead to graceful--and grateful--acceptance.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography, Biography Memoir, Family, Audiobook, Autobiography

224 pages, Hardcover

First published October 27, 2020

About the author

Elizabeth Berg is an American novelist.
She was born in Saint Paul, Minnesota, and lived in Boston prior to her residence in Chicago. She studied English and Humanities at the University of Minnesota, but later ended up with a nursing degree. Her writing career started when she won an essay contest in Parents magazine. Since her debut novel in 1993, her novels have sold in large numbers and have received several awards and nominations, although some critics have tagged them as sentimental. She won the New England Book Awards in 1997.
The novels Durable Goods, Joy School, and True to Form form a trilogy about the 12-year-old Katie Nash, in part based on the author's own experience as a daughter in a military family. Her essay "The Pretend Knitter" appears in the anthology Knitting Yarns: Writers on Knitting, published by W. W. Norton & Company in November 2013.

Reviews

[Cheri · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 Stars

In the Prologue, the author - Elizabeth Berg - begins by saying that she is seventy years old, and is as astonished by this truth, as astonished as if she had just written ’I am a peacock.’ It made me laugh, and made me think not only of my own added up years, but how thoroughly true that has felt every year as my birthday rolled around - the difference being when we’re very young that we anxiously await being old enough to think we will be able to make our own decisions without criticism from parents or teachers or even just ‘others.’ Then she adds a memory of passing a pair of two old ladies and heard one say ”I still feel like a girl inside.”

This memoir shares her frustrations, fears, doubts and experiences as her parents declined, the anger that occasionally flared from parent to child, from parent to parent, and grown child to child-like parent. The emotions that follow watching parents decline, the slow acceptance of the new “normal” which will only be replaced too soon with more decline. And more, you see with a new appreciation those moments when they share moments you never knew about before, feelings you were never privy to before, and as your appreciation and understanding grow, so does your desire to continue to know more, to bear witness to it, along with an acceptance of what is to come.

While the way there is occasionally humorous, there is plenty of anger, sorrow and frustration along the way. I appreciated all of her story, their story, it felt so honest and was shared with so much love.


Published: 27 Oct 2020

Many thanks for the ARC provided by Random House Publishing Group / Random House

[☮Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars

There's a line in here about how your parents took care of you when you were a baby so eventually it becomes your turn to take care of them. Only it's not the same because babys' butts are cute.

This book is a diary of Elizabeth's parents' decline. During the months covered, her mom is 88 and her dad 90. They live in Minnesota near E.B.'s sister; E.B. lives in Chicago. They are to the point where they no longer can manage on their own so they'll be moved to an apartment building for seniors. The dad will be diagnosed with dementia and then Alzheimer's; the mom will become bitter over having to leave her home of 40 years and not fully understanding what the future holds for her. The mom's attitude was so similar to how my mother-in-law was with her husband's diagnosis, it felt like reliving those times again. E.B.'s interactions with her family will teach her many valuable lessons of love and understanding, but before it gets to that point, she experiences her own guilt, anger, confusion, and bitterness.

These are times most of us will endure as our parents age, and again as we ourselves age. In the end it's about family and love, something everyone should be able to identify with. I love how expressively Elizabeth Berg writes, and here she lays out her own feelings and thoughts. It's not all pretty but she wants us to learn from her experiences, from her mistakes. Very touching. Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher.

[Karen R · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book hit close to home as I have experienced my parents’ descent into Alzheimers and ultimate death (3 years apart). Berg’s insightful comments touched my heart, reminded me of bittersweet memories. A heartbreaking memoir, beautiful and relatable.

[Andrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is Elizabeth Berg’s first memoir. It is a love story to her parents as she bears witness to their final years. (So there’s a 100% guarantee of heartbreak.) Yet, she spins language so gracefully. You sink in to her words, nodding along to passages, with such knowing.
This must have been incredibly difficult to write. But I’m betting there’s a legion of folks who are happy she did.

[Darla · Rating 4 out of 5]

The creator of memorable characters like Arthur Truluv shares a time of struggle from her own life with us. Her parents have been married for nearly 70 years. For the past 45 years they have been in the same house. Now that her father is showing signs of dementia and both parents are nearing 90, it is time to move them into a place that will have some amenities; where they have access to transportation and can socialize with others their age. Berg documents the bittersweet struggle of making that final decision, making the move, deciding to sell the house, and all the other details that have to be taken care of. Along the way, there it tension and everyone gets frustrated. What Berg realizes is that expectations, realistic or not, are not being met for any of them. With some help and patience, things will get better. Berg's parents have much to teach all of us about what it takes to remain faithful and committed to that person who you vowed to love "for better or worse."

I hope that in understanding more about my parents, even though--or perhaps because--they're gone, I'll learn lessons about faith and endurance and trust and forgiveness. About putting I aside for the sake of we. About how love circles back on itself over and over to create deeper definitions of itself. And I hope I'll learn the value of that hardest thing of all: seeing it through.

Thank you to Random House and Edelweiss+ for a DRC in exchange for an honest review.

[Lynne · Rating 5 out of 5]

A touching story about the author as a caregiver to her aging parents. She presented a very healthy and loving perspective. I appreciated her love and understanding of the situation. Thank you NetGalley for the ARC.

[Toni · Rating 5 out of 5]

Elizabeth Berg writes with unique wisdom and beauty. As she recounts her parents' lives during their last years, she ends each chapter with a sentence or two with a thought or adage I found so mindful of what her parents had experienced in their long lives, combined with where they were now, at 90 and 88 years old.
I'm struggling to explain this profound, yet simple and beautiful book. I may need to come back and edit this first pass. Just know it's great!

Elizabeth’s writing here reminds of Anne Tyler, that simple but wondrous beauty.

[Paula · Rating 4 out of 5]

A touching and moving memoir highlighting the pain that comes with the realization that one’s parents are in their declining years. The author covers the tw0-year period from when her father began to display symptoms of dementia (later diagnosed as Alzheimer’s) and her mother's own frailty. Her parents marriage becomes strained as both mother and father try to deal with/come to terms with their own age-related changes. As both the author and her siblings come to terms (acceptance? understanding?) with these changes, they work together to support their parents and each other.
This touching memoir will resonant with anyone taking care of older parents.

[Jessica Haider · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've read a number of Elizabeth Berg's novels over the years. They are always a bit of a comfort read. I'll Be Seeing You is her new memoir about her experiences with her aging parents who experience declining health in their 80s. Berg's father develops Alzheimer's disease and the family needs to make the decision of what their lives will be like now. How can the couple live where they can be independent yet he can still get the care he needs? Berg reflects on how her parents had a strong marriage of over 60 years and how her father who was an Army veteran was very fond of his wife. There is love and sadness. Berg shares her frustration with her mother over what she perceives as her mother not being nice to her dad in his current state. This was a tough read, especially as myself and many of my friends now have parents who are senior citizens. But, throughout the book, we see the love that this family has for each other. Even through the turmoil of dealing with dementia and memory loss the family stays close. This book is a beautiful tribute by Berg to her parents.

What to listen to while reading...
Kathy's Song by Simon & Garfunkel
Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright
Mercy by Duffy
On and On and On by Wilco
Landslide by Fleetwood Mac
Morning Has Broken by Cat Stevens

Thank you to the publisher for the review copy!

This book counts towards the PopSugar 2021 Reading Challenge Task #50: A free book from your TBR

[Janet Dahl · Rating 5 out of 5]

Touching and heartbreaking

We will all be impacted by the consequences of aging, particularly cognitive decline. To see it happen to loved ones is a journey that forces us to say goodbye before we are ready. Elizabeth Berg is a writer I admire, and I appreciate her generosity in sharing her Mom and Dad’s path. It is a challenge to change our expectations and accept the glimmers of joy, and to create little pockets of peace in an untenable situation. She and her sister are unparalleled in their conscientious care and love.

[Tammy O · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this. The author, Elizabeth Berg, narrates the audiobook and every word is heartfelt, honest, emotional and often raw. Her words are beautiful and she so accurately describes the feelings that accompany the sorrow, worry, loss, regret, grief and struggles we face when loved ones are aging, sick or failing. At one point she says there is “a new layer of ache inside”. I immediately recognized that feeling—when your heart is so heavy. There is also humor in the telling; I found myself smiling as I listened to Elizabeth tell stories.
Highly recommend for anyone with aging parents and for those who’ve lived through the death of parents. The situation may not be the same for you, but the emotions are spot on. I wish I had read it sooner.

[Frosty61 · Rating 4 out of 5]

An honest account of the emotional toll of caring for aging parents. The author is one of my favorites and this book doesn't disappoint. She calls it 'a dairy of my parents' decline.' Be prepared for a sad story with some bits of happiness thrown in.

The stark reality of dealing with the aging process is described very well - as a roller coaster of emotions. There's despair, guilt, anger, love, and even a bit of humor in Berg's recounting of trying to find the best solutions to an ever-changing situation. Those who have suffered through the same dilemmas will empathize. Perhaps those who haven't yet experienced them will be better prepared. Suffice it to say, it is a difficult, heartbreaking phase of life - one that is made marginally easier with the support of friends and family.

I loved the cover - a photograph of Berg's parents in their younger years. It served to remind the reader that her parents were once vibrant, strong, and in control of their lives. It also reminds us that there's beauty in the remembering.

Some quotes:
"I think as long as a parent is alive, it's easier to feel young."
"You lose some things, growing older, but you gain other, more important things: tolerance, gratitude, perspective, the unexpected pleasure of doing things more slowly."
"I still feel like a girl inside."

[Andrea Pole · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'll Be Seeing You by Elizabeth Berg is a memoir chronicling the author's continued love and devotion to her parents as they age. When her father is diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, Elizabeth sees the strain that this new reality places on her eighty-eight year old mother, and the difficult decision to sell the house that her parents have shared for over forty-five years is made. During the transition, there are frustrations and tears, but also happy memories, and a renewed and fierce love that will always be an anchor to one's parents. Throughout the process, Ms Berg also reflects on her own future as she ages.

This is a heartfelt, honest, and deeply personal tribute that honours a relationship that is paramount in life, that of a child and parent. Many of the author's musings and observations will resonate quite deeply.

Many thanks to NetGalley and Random House Publishing Group - Random House for this ARC.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received a complimentary digital copy of this book from the publisher and NetGalley in exchange for an unbiased review.

At 70 years old, author Elizabeth Berg reflects on the decline in her aging parents back in 2010. Her 89 year old father begins to show signs of Alzheimer’s disease which is heartbreaking. She remembers him as a strict, militant Army “lifer” who slowly starts to “lose” it. During that time Elizabeth and her siblings try to support and ensure their parents are safe with her brother living in Hawaii and her living in Chicago, the major responsibilities fall on her sister Vicki who lives nearby. This is ultimately the year or so before the death of her father and eventually her mother.

Her parents had married in January 1943 at an Army base in TX. They always lived a modest life relying on each other throughout their years together. They would take her father to visit his brother Frank in a nursing home where they could reminisce on their past military days. It was her mother Jeanne who seemed to struggle the most with the all changes of aging and declining health. She was resistant and resentful about the curveball life has thrown at her refusing to resign to the life of an “old” person.

It is not a sappy love story about parents who “lived happily ever after” fairytale. She describes a history to which most can probably relate with imperfect parents whose lives slowly change in ways they never anticipated. The independent father soon becomes the frail confused man in need of constant surveillance and reliance on his wife. The mother who becomes angry and resentful when having to resign to selling their family home.

It’s a touching story of endurance and support as well as the frustrations that arise with aging. I think most people would prefer to age gracefully with our pride and dignity intact. It’s a delicate and precarious balance to ensure that happens while maintaining the safety and support that is essential.

[Vickie · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you are looking for a book to give you happy feelings, this one isn’t it. But it did leave me reflecting on my life, the legacy I will leave and what will happen to me as I get older. This is a memoir of Elizabeth Berg and her parents as they get too old to stay in a home by themselves and have to move to an adult living apartment that will give them activities to do and friends to make. Since Berg’s father was suffering from Alzheimer’s, he was barely aware of his environment, so the interactions with him were bittersweet and sad. Berg’s mom, on the other hand, was angry about having to move because she was still mobile and able to take care of herself, but she has to leave their home in order to help take care of her husband. Berg explicitly describes how the changes in her parents’ lives affect everyone in the family. I can’t say that this was a book that I enjoyed reading since I am getting older myself. But it is one that the children of elderly parents should read in order to get ideas for how to deal with the attitudes, the angst and the changes that are coming.
Disclaimer
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher via Netgalley. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255, “Guides Concerning the Use of Testimonials and Endorsements in Advertising.”

[Diane Yannick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Elizabeth Berg let her parents’ words and actions tell their own story. She did not give us ‘lessons’ learned or deep analysis. Instead, she recounted the details and decisions of the year her mom was 88 and her dad was 90.

Elizabeth and her sister had to balance their patents’ safety with their happiness. Many of the assisted living challenges are universal. However, there was one thing about this book that made it very special. As children, we often feel that it is our job is to solve each problem that crops up. We try to insist that our parents treat each other with respect. What we need to do is listen to their voices but then make the best decisions available. THEN we need to take a step back and give them the space they need to adjust. They may temporarily turn against each other and their family but in the end their love and history together will often smooth the transitions. With time and the patience of family members, many elders can often figure out how to acclimate to their new limitations and surroundings. I hope that I might be so lucky.

[Barbara Nutting · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very poignant look at the aging process - the dilemma of assisted living and the parting with a home filled with so many fond memories. Not a fun situation. Very well written on an all important subject.

Fortunately, I never had to face those decisions with my own parents and hope my own kids will be spared that, too. I’m the “perpetual teenager” at 81, Levi’s, Tee shirts and flip flops. I live in my house, with my cat and read constantly in the glorious Florida sun - no old folks home for me!

[Bam cooks the books · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a tender, sad memoir about Berg's aging parents--watching the strong, vigorous, intelligent people who raised her reach the point in life where they can no longer take care of themselves and the struggle that ensues to help them make wise decisions. There is also the realization that she herself is only a few short years away from having to make those same decisions for herself. A touching and moving account.

I received an arc from the author and publisher via Net Galley in 2020, my very bad year of reading during the pandemic. My review is voluntary and the opinions expressed are my own. I apologize for the delay in reading and reviewing this touching memoir.

[Leeann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow.
Kudos, Elizabeth Berg, on a really fine book.

Sometimes a book just comes along at the right time and it resonates so deeply. That happened with me while reading "I'll Be Seeing You." Elizabeth and her sister's experiences with her parents parallel in many, many ways what is happening with my family circle right now. It was incredibly helpful to read about the feelings that she and her sister were having, her take on each of her parents' emotions, trials and responses.

I will absolutely be sending a copy of this book to my sisters-in-law. I think the men might be too close to see it/read about it but it will help us to help them talk it through and navigate it.. and sooner or later we will be doing the same.

My deepest thanks to Ms Berg for writing this book. It is indeed helpful to others. This has been the most impactful book I have read in 2020 and I will be actively recommending it!

Thank you to the publisher and Netgalley for an ARC of this book in exchange for my honest opinion.

[Barb Martin · Rating 3 out of 5]

I overly identified with Elizabeth Berg's memoir, "I'll Be Seeing You," which chronicles her father's decline into dementia and her mother's descent into crabbiness as they prepared to leave their home of 45-plus years and to move into an assisted-living facility.

My parents died earlier this year. Mom in March. Dad in May.

Before they died, my parents mirrored Berg's to a certain extent. My father was essentially immobile and dealing with dementia. Mom still thought it was her job to take care of him despite her own frail health. By all accounts, she was pretty crabby, too.

I live hours away, so their care was left to my many siblings. Disputes over what was best for my parents led to irreparable factions among the siblings. The family isn't going to heal.

So, anyway, I identified with Berg entirely too much as she chronicled the decisions, arguments and visits that led to moving her parents into a facility. I'm not one for memoirs, but this one obviously spoke to me.

[Linda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Berg has been a favorite author ever since I read my first book by her. Talk Before Sleep remains my favorite. This is a beautiful, touching memoir about her aging parents. I felt all the emotions, fear, anger, happiness, sadness, and there’s also humor.

[Robyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'LL BE SEEING YOU:
Elizabeth Berg

I couldn't finish this (more than midway) because it was a memoir of my parent's marriage. I wonder if we (the children) of this generation (our parents) all lived in the same house. It was just too fresh.

4 stars

Happy Reading!

[Janet Hutchinson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Beautifully written, this is a book about loss of your parents, certainly, but also about their loss of each other as the person they fell in love with, grew with, and now are declining together. The loss of their home echoes so much my mom's reaction as we moved her out of her house. The loss of all that was familiar and loved by her was so difficult for her - but also for us as well. And Berg recognizes and writes about this with clarity and sorrow.

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

A bit of a tough read for me because my parents are going through this right now with my almost 98 year old grandmother, and in doing so, starting to think of the required planning for their end of life. I hope that I go through the later years of my life with “courage and grace and faith, and even with a sense of humor.”

The quote before the book opens truly says it all:

“Or it might be, she thought, having lived long enough, she’d come to think of everyone close to her with a helpless tenderness, accepting that life was hard and people did their best.”
~Stewart O’Nan

[Cheryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

An honest account of moving her parents from their home into an assisted living apartment when their health began to fail. Her mother’s struggle to accept the move from the house she had lived in for 45 years was so sad. Reinventing your life when your friends are dying and your life is thrown into turmoil takes a lot of bravery.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a sad and beautiful book. A love story on many levels.

[Judy Blachek · Rating 4 out of 5]

This memoir is about the author's aging parents and how her family copes with the changes that nearly all families must deal with: the realization that you can no longer cope with living alone, unassisted; the understanding of how a neurological condition can change a person and that they aren't doing something on purpose; and how children deal with their parents' failing.

This deeply affected me. Three years ago, my mother died from Parkinson's Disease. And just 3 weeks ago my father died of a myriad of diseases that overcame his 90-year old body. The book is beautifully written, but that's what I expect from Elizabeth Berg. It is brutally honest. I'm sure she needed time and perspective to write it as honestly as she did. And she took it, as most of these events happened nearly 10 years ago.

One thing that really struck me was how we all get "stuck" in our own thinking. An example of this is that Berg's mother was annoyed with her husband's shuffling and would walk in front of him, much more quickly than he could and be exasperated with him for not keeping up. And Berg wanted her father to give her mother some space because she could see that her mother needed time to recharge a bit from being the caretaker. What Berg could not understand is her mother's attitude about the walking. At one point a medical professional tells Berg's mother that her husband simply cannot walk faster or without shuffling. Berg feels vindicated. But then Berg mentions the request to have her father not follow her mother around all the time, and she is kind of shocked when the medical professional tells Berg the same thing. "He can't."

With my own parents I saw this dynamic play out. My father tried to care for my mother until it simply became too much. Later, he tried to live alone until there was an episode one night that proved to him that he could not. It's hard to face reality. I wonder if I will do the same when it is my turn.

Berg understands the emotional struggle of giving up the home her parents lived in for 45 years. I am feeling that myself as the home I grew up in will be sold and I will have no physical tie to the town I grew up in, and dearly love. "You can't go home again" is becoming more and more real to me.

This is a book that I will keep because I think it has lessons for me in it that I will more fully understand as time goes on.

[Kris (My Novelesque Life) · Rating 4 out of 5]

RATING: 4 STARS
2020; Random House

I will read anything by Elizabeth Berg, and have loved her since I read Durable Goods. Katie is one of my favourite characters in literature. Berg is a wonderful writer that has such endearing and realistic characters and stories. No matter the age of the characters or gender, you can really feel their emotions and are invested from the first page. I'll Be Seeing You, is Berg's memoir on her parents aging. Berg is in her 70s at this point, and her parents in their 90s. Her father is suffering memory loss and relying too heavily on his wife. Berg's mother is finding it hard to be his caretaker, and cannot get a moment to herself. She is stressed, and that also effects her father's moods. They still live in the home they bought as their forever home, and the thought of leaving it for am assisted care facility adds more pressure to the couple. Berg's sister lives closer to their parents, but has a job and her own family. Berg's brother is far away, and Berg, herself tries to come out there as much as she can.

I feel for Berg, and her siblings, and her parents, but even more so as my own parents are requiring more help. In the last year and so, I have been attending more medical appointment with my parents, and I've started to think about the "what happens when...". I am an only child so many of the decisions will fall on me. I am close to my parents and know what they would want, yet the thought of them getting older is scary. When my late grandmother had dementia it was more difficult trying to get through it emotionally than anything physical. Berg weaves stories from the past, growing up and what her parents were like.

As I listened to the author tell her story, I shared some of it with my parents. It brought up good conversations. I would recommend I'll Be Seeing You to everyone. At some point, most of us will be going through this as children or aging parents, and aging parents ourself (or however your family works). It makes you feel less alone, and makes the situation (at least for me) seem more doable. You can only take one chunk at a time. It is a book I will revisit a few more times in my life. As the book ended, I knew this was going to save my sanity in the future, and have notes in it to remind myself of certain passages.

***I received a complimentary copy of this ebook from the publisher through NetGalley. Opinions expressed in this review are entirely my own.***

[Marsha Herman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Elizabeth Berg is absolutely one of my favorite authors merely because she so eloquently and beautifully and perfectly puts into words the way I feel and describes experiences I've had in a way I never ever could. I'll Be Seeing You is about her relationship with her parents as they transition from living independently to moving to a care facility. I felt like she was telling my story--how could our lives be so similar and our reactions so in sync? It's the magic of Elizabeth Berg. If you haven't read her books, please give them a try. You won't be disappointed. ( I gave this book a four because although I loved it, I don't feel it was her best writing--several of her other books are high 5s in my mind.)

[platkat · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book chronicles the painstaking journey of rehoming elderly parents by the author and her sister (but mostly her sister). Her father was expressing signs of dementia and her mother wasn't able to care for him in the way he needed. It's a familiar to story to everyone with parents over a certain age. I was gifted this book by a club in my new town, which consists mainly of elderly people, and being estranged from my own parents, I'm always curious how "normal" people do things.

Her sister had done a lot of the heavy lifting before the author traveled back to her hometown to assist with her parents' move. She offers some insight as to how, and why, this book came to be partway in: "If you are a writer, you need to put what you imagine into words, and then you need to read those words to understand yourself. After that, you might feel the need to put those words before others." (p.64)

After the death of her aunt, she observed, "Grief is the most private of negotiations between longing and reconciliation. It's awful what you have to give up for the sake of equilibrium, i.e., the hope that the person who has left you will somehow return." (p. 47)

When her father's dementia took hold, the author describes her mother's 24/7 job of care-taking: "It's as though someone wheeled a shiny new ten-speed to her door and said, 'Hey you, 81-year-old woman who never learned to ride a bike! How about hopping up on this one?' And it is not an invitation. It is a directive." (p.89)

To me, the parents' whole relationship sounded tedious and annoying. The author describes it as "a romance that lasted for nearly 70 years" because of how much her father loved his mother. The telling of it all sounded a lot more like need than love. Their day-to-day lives and interactions, from their younger years to old age, were driven by her father's entitlement more than anything else.

The author waits until near the end of the book to discuss many of the regular, defining moments that comprised the relationship, probably so the reader could see her father as a neutral character, rather than a terse man finally becoming unable to enjoy the white male privilege he had experienced his whole life.

She talks about their morning routine, during which he smoked incessantly and would forget where he left his burning cigarette. He would shout for his wife to help him look for it and she'd scurry around until it was found. "I wonder if he ever said, 'Thanks, honey' or 'Sorry I yelled at you that way; I just got scared I'd set something on fire.' I don't think so. I think he thought her finding his misplaced cigarettes was his due."

I get that times were different and all, but let's be real: If you claimed to love someone, would you accept that they were being treated that way... by anyone?

And it didn't seem to get better with age. Her mother sounded like she was constantly annoyed and on-edge. Imagine if she had been able to get a bank account and well-paying job - this whole lifestyle of obligation would have ceased to be.

I liked the book for its giggle-producing quips like, "[Wanda] said, 'You know what? We should buy stock in whatever company makes Depends. Seriously. We should buy stock in Depends.'" (p. 78)

And I also appreciated the small, relatable musings like "I like driving across country alone... Time is real time, how you can count down the distance from here to there. And that even though you're not really doing anything, you're doing something." (p. 122) Although my own trips are rarely cross-country these days, I know and love that feeling of getting something "done" as I drive to Boise.

Another relatable moment came when the family goes out to dinner for her father's 90th birthday. The author is concerned that the seating arrangement will make her father feel disconnected because he's hard of hearing. But when she looks at him, she can see he's just happy to be there, thankful to have walked in without assistance, thankful to be out with his family. So she remembers to be grateful as well: "Someone once told me she thought of life as being stuck inside an airless little cabin, constantly near asphyxiation. But every now and then a rush of fresh air came under the door and kept her alive. And I told her it seemed clear to me that everyone's job was to get on the floor and lie right by that crack." (p. 155)

Okay, so it's a little dark, but it sounds more authentic and much less trite than the "we're in this together" platitudes people have been throwing around for the last couple of years... although that's basically what it means.

Since the author's intent for this book was mostly to make herself feel better, I'm trying not to judge it too harshly. Similar to how the young adults of today happily reduce the classic, Pride and Prejudice, to "just a bunch of people going to each other's houses," I felt like this book was "just a bunch of people getting ready for the end of their crappy mediocre lives."

Okay, that's pretty harsh. Well, I said I'd try.

The book offered a few sparks of humor and insight, and the writing style made it an easy read. There are many better resources out there if you're trying to cope with caring for or grieving a loved one.