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When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder: A Guide for Adult Children
Caring for yourself and your relationship with your mom who has BPD.
Growing up with a mom who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is difficult―but it's still possible to have a functioning adult relationship with her. When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder provides you with crucial information for understanding the patterns behind her Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as the tools you need to start your own recovery process.
Find ways to reconcile your complicated thoughts and feelings with straightforward and easy-to-use techniques. You'll also discover a number of sample dialogues that give you blueprints for safe and secure interactions in a variety of situations.
When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder
You, your mother, and Borderline Personality Disorder―Learn why your mother behaves the way she does and how to maintain a relationship with her―without getting hurt. The help you need―Start healing with essential self-care strategies that will help you rebuild your self-esteem, cope with anxiety, protect your family, and more. Research-based tools―Get proven advice based on the most up-to-date approaches for managing a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. Get the help you need moving forward with the compassionate guidance of When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder.
Growing up with a mom who has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is difficult―but it's still possible to have a functioning adult relationship with her. When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder provides you with crucial information for understanding the patterns behind her Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as the tools you need to start your own recovery process.
Find ways to reconcile your complicated thoughts and feelings with straightforward and easy-to-use techniques. You'll also discover a number of sample dialogues that give you blueprints for safe and secure interactions in a variety of situations.
When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder
You, your mother, and Borderline Personality Disorder―Learn why your mother behaves the way she does and how to maintain a relationship with her―without getting hurt. The help you need―Start healing with essential self-care strategies that will help you rebuild your self-esteem, cope with anxiety, protect your family, and more. Research-based tools―Get proven advice based on the most up-to-date approaches for managing a relationship with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. Get the help you need moving forward with the compassionate guidance of When Your Mother Has Borderline Personality Disorder.
168 pages, Paperback
Published October 22, 2019
About the author
Daniel S. Lobel
6 books16 followersDaniel S. Lobel, Ph.D is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Katonah, New York. He is an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Mount Sinai College of Medicine in New York City. He has authored several chapters in psychology textbooks and written many blogs on Borderline Personality Disorder:
The Borderline Mother | Psychology Today
The Borderline Mother II | Psychology Today
The Borderline/Narcissistic Mother | Psychology Today
The Borderline Parent—A Survival Guide | Psychology Today
The Borderline Father | Psychology Today
The Borderline Daughter | Psychology Today
The Borderline Mother | Psychology Today
The Borderline Mother II | Psychology Today
The Borderline/Narcissistic Mother | Psychology Today
The Borderline Parent—A Survival Guide | Psychology Today
The Borderline Father | Psychology Today
The Borderline Daughter | Psychology Today
Ratings & Reviews
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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
November 9, 2019
If you are interested in understanding a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder, then look no further because this is by far the best book out there. Dr. Lobel clearly and succinctly lays out what constitutes Borderline Personality Disorder and how best to deal with it. What makes this book unusual is that it is written for adults who have Mothers with BPD. In fact, I believe it is the best resource out there if you have a Mother with BPD.
For some, it may be painful to read as it is so on target in understanding this personality disorder and how it affects those growing up in such a situation. I learned so much from this one book and the sections on changing your relationship and healing oneself were very constructive and beneficial.
I appreciated that When Your Mother Has BPD is not bogged down with case history examples. Usually when I read a psychology or self-help book with an abundance of these “stories,” I tend to skip them. But they can be worthwhile in illustrating a point and Lobel has achieved the right mix of them.
There can be no doubt that this book will help those who were raised by a Mother with BPD. It explains not only how it affected you and still does but also how to best deal with your Mother. Even if your Mother is no longer alive, you will gain a greater understanding of how she made you who you are and how to change your thinking and behaving that you learn from her for the better. Furthermore, you will come to know that you are not alone and that there are ways to cope and heal.
Thank you to Callisto Media - Rockridge Press and NetGalley for an advanced reader copy in exchange for my honest review.
For some, it may be painful to read as it is so on target in understanding this personality disorder and how it affects those growing up in such a situation. I learned so much from this one book and the sections on changing your relationship and healing oneself were very constructive and beneficial.
I appreciated that When Your Mother Has BPD is not bogged down with case history examples. Usually when I read a psychology or self-help book with an abundance of these “stories,” I tend to skip them. But they can be worthwhile in illustrating a point and Lobel has achieved the right mix of them.
There can be no doubt that this book will help those who were raised by a Mother with BPD. It explains not only how it affected you and still does but also how to best deal with your Mother. Even if your Mother is no longer alive, you will gain a greater understanding of how she made you who you are and how to change your thinking and behaving that you learn from her for the better. Furthermore, you will come to know that you are not alone and that there are ways to cope and heal.
Thank you to Callisto Media - Rockridge Press and NetGalley for an advanced reader copy in exchange for my honest review.
August 14, 2021
I’m torn between giving it zero stars and 5 stars.
This book touches on everything one needs to do to heal from having grown up with a BPD mother - but it avoids the mammoth in the room.
It assumes “Your goal is to create a new relationship with your mother that’s healthier than the one you grew up in.”
I feel the whole book is saying cheerful versions of ‘when your mother grabs an axe and cuts off one of your limbs, make sure you have a good doctor - and remember to wash the blood of the carpet’’.
From ‘you’ll have to be patient with your mother’ to ‘you’ll have to work at not being codependent in future relationships’ to ‘you’ll have to fight off a tendency to depression, anxiety and addictions’, he is showing us how to heal from abuse… by keeping the abuser in our lives.
This is abhorrent to me. He never questions the presence of the mother in her children’s lives. We’re supposed to strive to make the relationship better.
Fuck that. It borders on manipulation and gaslighting.
When you have a BPD mother, any of these issues (absolutely no self-worth, depression, anxiety, addictions etc) can kill you. Definitely we must get better - it’s an almost overwhelming amount of work, I’ve literally achieved nothing else in my life but surviving my childhood - AND I HAVE TO MAKE NICE WITH MY ABUSER ON TOP OF IT??? I have to manage her, give her more chances, try to trust her again??? When my only reason for existing as a child was to manage her and make her happy??! Are you fucking kidding me??! When do I get to live???
In NO OTHER connection with an abuser do people tell you to suck it up/improve it. They tell you to leave, move, change your name and start from scratch. That’s how you survive. Survival is a lot messier than the author seems to think, with his neat little advice in neat little columns.
If I hadn’t moved across the world, gone NC (no contact), I never could have rebuilt myself. Never.
The fact the author keeps a ‘healthier relationship’ with the BPD breeder as the central thesis of his book makes it morally bankrupt.
If one manages to overlook that, the advice he gives is great, if a little glib.
This book touches on everything one needs to do to heal from having grown up with a BPD mother - but it avoids the mammoth in the room.
It assumes “Your goal is to create a new relationship with your mother that’s healthier than the one you grew up in.”
I feel the whole book is saying cheerful versions of ‘when your mother grabs an axe and cuts off one of your limbs, make sure you have a good doctor - and remember to wash the blood of the carpet’’.
From ‘you’ll have to be patient with your mother’ to ‘you’ll have to work at not being codependent in future relationships’ to ‘you’ll have to fight off a tendency to depression, anxiety and addictions’, he is showing us how to heal from abuse… by keeping the abuser in our lives.
This is abhorrent to me. He never questions the presence of the mother in her children’s lives. We’re supposed to strive to make the relationship better.
Fuck that. It borders on manipulation and gaslighting.
When you have a BPD mother, any of these issues (absolutely no self-worth, depression, anxiety, addictions etc) can kill you. Definitely we must get better - it’s an almost overwhelming amount of work, I’ve literally achieved nothing else in my life but surviving my childhood - AND I HAVE TO MAKE NICE WITH MY ABUSER ON TOP OF IT??? I have to manage her, give her more chances, try to trust her again??? When my only reason for existing as a child was to manage her and make her happy??! Are you fucking kidding me??! When do I get to live???
In NO OTHER connection with an abuser do people tell you to suck it up/improve it. They tell you to leave, move, change your name and start from scratch. That’s how you survive. Survival is a lot messier than the author seems to think, with his neat little advice in neat little columns.
If I hadn’t moved across the world, gone NC (no contact), I never could have rebuilt myself. Never.
The fact the author keeps a ‘healthier relationship’ with the BPD breeder as the central thesis of his book makes it morally bankrupt.
If one manages to overlook that, the advice he gives is great, if a little glib.
May 11, 2021
There was certainly some helpful information in this book and I will benefit from having read it. I did find it disturbing how focused it is on coping with the damage that a BPD mother is actively doing in your life rather than questioning if you should continue to.
Very little was explored about choosing to go no contact with an abusive mother, and I feel like that’s a pretty important perspective to explore with any discussion of an abusive relationship. If you plan to continue a relationship with your mother with borderline personality disorder regardless of how egregious her abusive behavior becomes, this has good strategies for that. I’m just not sure that’s the best path for every child in that situation.
Very little was explored about choosing to go no contact with an abusive mother, and I feel like that’s a pretty important perspective to explore with any discussion of an abusive relationship. If you plan to continue a relationship with your mother with borderline personality disorder regardless of how egregious her abusive behavior becomes, this has good strategies for that. I’m just not sure that’s the best path for every child in that situation.
November 24, 2019
I devoured this book in a day, but I didn't like it as much as I would have if it didn't advocate staying in contact. I'm glad this book wasn't as full of anger, blame, and personal experiences as others I've read. Instead, this author promotes compassion and setting boundaries with "sick" mothers who, he claims, were overly indulged as children and need not be enabled by letting them get away with poor behavior. Those are good suggestions, in principle, but I don't like how there is no advice on how to manage feelings and moving on with your life when you go No Contact. I also don't like how there seems to be little compassion for us, the children of these people, who were often emotionally dumped on and abused and continued to be even as adults. Instead, the author advocates, we should put ourselves aside and try to be understanding (isn't that what many of us were trained to do all our lives?)
This advice is a hard order to fill. I wish I could have my mom be in my life without it affecting my mental health and spiritual journey, but that doesn't seem possible right now, and this book doesn't really address that. The author is too dismissing of Borderline Personality Disorder as an illness rather than a behavioral disorder that needs to be taken responsibility for. The book is too dismissing of the children/victims of Borderline mothers.
This advice is a hard order to fill. I wish I could have my mom be in my life without it affecting my mental health and spiritual journey, but that doesn't seem possible right now, and this book doesn't really address that. The author is too dismissing of Borderline Personality Disorder as an illness rather than a behavioral disorder that needs to be taken responsibility for. The book is too dismissing of the children/victims of Borderline mothers.
February 1, 2021
This book is so well written. It validates experiences with amazing detail and is clearly well researched. I truly appreciate the examples and explicit definitions and descriptions throughout the book. This book is complete with strategies, stories, and exercises which makes it all around a great resource. I would highly recommend to anyone who may be a child of a parent with BPD or anyone who wants to better understand this diagnosis.
May 20, 2023
Suspect
Damaged sense of self
Unstable parenting
Lack of insight of how the behavior affects others
Personality disorders
My mother treated me better in front of other people than when we are alone
No quieren ser agresores, prefieren en papel de víctima
Recuerdo aquellas llamadas telefónicas. Cómo me parecían falsas. Lograban que se me entumiera el estómago
Rasgos:
Ansiedad
Body dysmorphia
Suicida
Vacío
Inestabilidad: relaciones personales, identidad
Abandono
Impulsividad: sex, alcohol, binging
Extremos: idealización y devaluación
Intense anger, difficult controlling it
Disociación
Erratic
Abandonment - confirmation of my worthlessness
Need of validation
Codependency
Fast friends con cualquiera que les demuestre interés
Idealizan a quien sea que les muestre respeto o reconocimiento o sea amistoso
Demand perfection. Me decepcionas y te polarizo a la categoría del peor
Self-loathing
Self-mutilation
Rarely apologize or take responsibility
Damaged
Brokenness
Not lethal attempts
Mood swings
Bipolar - inestabilidad química. Border - la forma en que interpretan su situación y la forma en que reaccionan
They feel emptiness because they lack a stable sense of self
Hyper sensitive to criticism
They are rarely satisfied with what they get from others
Angry outbursts in public and in private
They wear their anger with honor
Disproportionate anger according to the situation
Low tolerance to frustration
They blame other for not getting enough help
Borderline, border between reality and psychosis
Paranoid believes
Fragmentation
Alcohol dissasosiates
Causas
Genéticas
Biología
Anatómicas
Environment (childhood maltreatment)
Behaviors are moreimgportant than a diagnosis
Ok. Me maltrataron de niña. ¿A quién he maltratado yo?
Is more important behaviors than a diagnosis
Ok. Me maltrataron de niña. A quien he maltratado yo?
Consecuencias en la salud
ETS
Estrés
Trastornos de sueño
Problemas digestivos
Cortisol
Adrenalina
Not bad people. Sick people.
Buscar a Kitty
Reemplazar hurtful behavior con healthy behavior
They see and hear everything through their lenses of abandonment
Children
PTSD
Guilt
Self doubt
Depression
Codependency
Identity confusion
Poor self esteem
Addiction to substances
Anxiety
No poder dormir
Social withdrawal
Expected to serve others (people pleasers)
Unable tu relax
Constant sense that in doing something wrong
Blamed and attacked for their mothers pain
Guilty
Helpless
A dark childhood you want to scape from
Mother dominance
Mi papá sucumbía
People feeling uncomfortable around her
Bad family model, traits from her sick mother
Not a villain, but a sick person
Fear of abandonment
Rejection
I was punished for needing something my parents weren’t able to give me
Mother dependent on the child. Child serves the mother
They need reassurance from their children in order to work
The seek their child to be loyal and obedient
Different opinion - invalidation
Mother feels unneeded and unwanted
Walking on eggshells (pinzas)
Attachment
Healthy nervous system: Colín
Healthy independence
Anxious: Mateo
Codependency
Temperamento tanto del niño como de la mamá
Pensé en Dani y Mateo
Características necesarias:
Empatía
Paciencia
Tipos de apego
Secure
Preoccupied
Dismissing
Fearful
Over parenting
Attachment injury
Trust broken
Betrayal
Abuse
Stress
Shame
Complicated love
Feel the pain
Labeling your pain
Childhood’s most painful memory
Inconsolable
Patterns of hurt
Rejection
Damage to self confidence
Or self esteem
Anxiety
Fear
Guilt
Exercise:
The way my mother hurts me the most is: ___________
¿En qué forma me lastima más a menudo?
¿Cómo me siento cuando estoy con ella?
I feel conflicted: un dilema
My family of origin taught me I’m not good enough
Repeated injury
Torture
Boundaries
My mother betrays my confidence regularly
If somebody frequently disappoints you, perhaps you should change your expectations
Home doesn’t feel safe
Me convirtió en alguien hypervigilant para possible threats
Helpless childhood
Mother demands to be the center of attention
My intimacy needs weren’t met
Only set boundaries that you know you can enforce
Being your own parent
The blindsight of the people who don’t know her well
Emotional modulation
Manipulative feedback instead of honest feedback
Feeling different than anybody else
Wounds most be exposed in order to heal
Guilt-tripping
Feeding the illness
He needed me to need him
Accurate feedback
She’s needed less - threatens her worth
Distorted
Unstable relationships more stress
Stable relationships reduce stress
Idealización y devaluación
I felt trapped at home when I was a child
It was easier to give in to my mom than to argue with her
Sandra and Jeremy
I didn’t feel supported when we had issues with his family and often he took his family side
You must define your relationships
Or you will be defined by them
Sometimes you’re not gonna get what you want and that’s ok
Temple
Mila en Orlando getting all she wanted
In my family they don’t celebrate important events
Avoid confrontation
You have to be reasonable
The power of no
Don’t justify yourself
Avoid discussing other people
Evitar triangulation
Fall from the pedestal
Being elevated to it if there’s a vacant
I don’t feel confortable discussing that
Marital talks are private
Eggshells 🥚
Decisions as ours
I was taught to always please others
They see boundaries as a form of rejection
They try boundaries
They feel they’re special an that they don’t have to respect boundaries
You need TRUST for intimacy
If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, there’s no trust
They need to learn how to cooperate in order to get their needs met
Don’t seek approval for the boundary
Find a compliment
I have resentment in the relationship with my mother
Consistent and persistent setting boundaries
Not punitive
I don’t have the emotional energy to maintain the relationship
Reaching the breaking point
Manipulative
Low pain tolerance
Toy have to be aware of your limitations
Distinguish between needs and wants
I need a go-to place for a break
I’m practicing self-care
If your mother is no good to take care of herself, how can she take care of yourself?
Prioritize self-care
Conditional love
Unworthy of love
Basing the definition of self worth according to my own criteria
Stable sense of self
Selfless vs selfish
My value system was replaced
Frequent betrayals
Being raised with insecure attachment
Healthy, no-codependent relationships
My new relationships were critical for my development
Trama reaction
Substance abuse disorder
Accustomed to mistreatment
Creí haber sido clara cuando te dije que tengo cero tolerancia a insultos después de Orlando
Competitive vs cooperative
Armando es súper competitivo
Damaged sense of self
Unstable parenting
Lack of insight of how the behavior affects others
Personality disorders
My mother treated me better in front of other people than when we are alone
No quieren ser agresores, prefieren en papel de víctima
Recuerdo aquellas llamadas telefónicas. Cómo me parecían falsas. Lograban que se me entumiera el estómago
Rasgos:
Ansiedad
Body dysmorphia
Suicida
Vacío
Inestabilidad: relaciones personales, identidad
Abandono
Impulsividad: sex, alcohol, binging
Extremos: idealización y devaluación
Intense anger, difficult controlling it
Disociación
Erratic
Abandonment - confirmation of my worthlessness
Need of validation
Codependency
Fast friends con cualquiera que les demuestre interés
Idealizan a quien sea que les muestre respeto o reconocimiento o sea amistoso
Demand perfection. Me decepcionas y te polarizo a la categoría del peor
Self-loathing
Self-mutilation
Rarely apologize or take responsibility
Damaged
Brokenness
Not lethal attempts
Mood swings
Bipolar - inestabilidad química. Border - la forma en que interpretan su situación y la forma en que reaccionan
They feel emptiness because they lack a stable sense of self
Hyper sensitive to criticism
They are rarely satisfied with what they get from others
Angry outbursts in public and in private
They wear their anger with honor
Disproportionate anger according to the situation
Low tolerance to frustration
They blame other for not getting enough help
Borderline, border between reality and psychosis
Paranoid believes
Fragmentation
Alcohol dissasosiates
Causas
Genéticas
Biología
Anatómicas
Environment (childhood maltreatment)
Behaviors are moreimgportant than a diagnosis
Ok. Me maltrataron de niña. ¿A quién he maltratado yo?
Is more important behaviors than a diagnosis
Ok. Me maltrataron de niña. A quien he maltratado yo?
Consecuencias en la salud
ETS
Estrés
Trastornos de sueño
Problemas digestivos
Cortisol
Adrenalina
Not bad people. Sick people.
Buscar a Kitty
Reemplazar hurtful behavior con healthy behavior
They see and hear everything through their lenses of abandonment
Children
PTSD
Guilt
Self doubt
Depression
Codependency
Identity confusion
Poor self esteem
Addiction to substances
Anxiety
No poder dormir
Social withdrawal
Expected to serve others (people pleasers)
Unable tu relax
Constant sense that in doing something wrong
Blamed and attacked for their mothers pain
Guilty
Helpless
A dark childhood you want to scape from
Mother dominance
Mi papá sucumbía
People feeling uncomfortable around her
Bad family model, traits from her sick mother
Not a villain, but a sick person
Fear of abandonment
Rejection
I was punished for needing something my parents weren’t able to give me
Mother dependent on the child. Child serves the mother
They need reassurance from their children in order to work
The seek their child to be loyal and obedient
Different opinion - invalidation
Mother feels unneeded and unwanted
Walking on eggshells (pinzas)
Attachment
Healthy nervous system: Colín
Healthy independence
Anxious: Mateo
Codependency
Temperamento tanto del niño como de la mamá
Pensé en Dani y Mateo
Características necesarias:
Empatía
Paciencia
Tipos de apego
Secure
Preoccupied
Dismissing
Fearful
Over parenting
Attachment injury
Trust broken
Betrayal
Abuse
Stress
Shame
Complicated love
Feel the pain
Labeling your pain
Childhood’s most painful memory
Inconsolable
Patterns of hurt
Rejection
Damage to self confidence
Or self esteem
Anxiety
Fear
Guilt
Exercise:
The way my mother hurts me the most is: ___________
¿En qué forma me lastima más a menudo?
¿Cómo me siento cuando estoy con ella?
I feel conflicted: un dilema
My family of origin taught me I’m not good enough
Repeated injury
Torture
Boundaries
My mother betrays my confidence regularly
If somebody frequently disappoints you, perhaps you should change your expectations
Home doesn’t feel safe
Me convirtió en alguien hypervigilant para possible threats
Helpless childhood
Mother demands to be the center of attention
My intimacy needs weren’t met
Only set boundaries that you know you can enforce
Being your own parent
The blindsight of the people who don’t know her well
Emotional modulation
Manipulative feedback instead of honest feedback
Feeling different than anybody else
Wounds most be exposed in order to heal
Guilt-tripping
Feeding the illness
He needed me to need him
Accurate feedback
She’s needed less - threatens her worth
Distorted
Unstable relationships more stress
Stable relationships reduce stress
Idealización y devaluación
I felt trapped at home when I was a child
It was easier to give in to my mom than to argue with her
Sandra and Jeremy
I didn’t feel supported when we had issues with his family and often he took his family side
You must define your relationships
Or you will be defined by them
Sometimes you’re not gonna get what you want and that’s ok
Temple
Mila en Orlando getting all she wanted
In my family they don’t celebrate important events
Avoid confrontation
You have to be reasonable
The power of no
Don’t justify yourself
Avoid discussing other people
Evitar triangulation
Fall from the pedestal
Being elevated to it if there’s a vacant
I don’t feel confortable discussing that
Marital talks are private
Eggshells 🥚
Decisions as ours
I was taught to always please others
They see boundaries as a form of rejection
They try boundaries
They feel they’re special an that they don’t have to respect boundaries
You need TRUST for intimacy
If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, there’s no trust
They need to learn how to cooperate in order to get their needs met
Don’t seek approval for the boundary
Find a compliment
I have resentment in the relationship with my mother
Consistent and persistent setting boundaries
Not punitive
I don’t have the emotional energy to maintain the relationship
Reaching the breaking point
Manipulative
Low pain tolerance
Toy have to be aware of your limitations
Distinguish between needs and wants
I need a go-to place for a break
I’m practicing self-care
If your mother is no good to take care of herself, how can she take care of yourself?
Prioritize self-care
Conditional love
Unworthy of love
Basing the definition of self worth according to my own criteria
Stable sense of self
Selfless vs selfish
My value system was replaced
Frequent betrayals
Being raised with insecure attachment
Healthy, no-codependent relationships
My new relationships were critical for my development
Trama reaction
Substance abuse disorder
Accustomed to mistreatment
Creí haber sido clara cuando te dije que tengo cero tolerancia a insultos después de Orlando
Competitive vs cooperative
Armando es súper competitivo
December 30, 2025
short and bitter sweet. Was there anything new in this? No, not really. But it was validating. There was a thing or two that I realized I do and needed to work on that I now realize are due to being raised the way I was. Again validating, but nothing new.
This is a good foundational book if this is a new concept to you or you’re unfamiliar with what this personality disorder is.
This is a good foundational book if this is a new concept to you or you’re unfamiliar with what this personality disorder is.
November 21, 2019
My mom doesn't have BPD, but after reading this book, I definitely believe my grandmother did. As someone who has been in therapy for years and has heard the BPD term many times, I finally realize it was in my family. Just not in the person I originally suspected. This is an informative read. It also gives you advice on how to handle interactions with Borderlines. I feel like I have come across many of them in my life and now have a better idea how to set boundaries and handle them.
If anyone in your life has BPD, you might want to pick up this book and just give it a read through. It's short and easy to read, and the advice is sound. Good luck to you!
5/5 Stars
If anyone in your life has BPD, you might want to pick up this book and just give it a read through. It's short and easy to read, and the advice is sound. Good luck to you!
5/5 Stars
August 3, 2024
Let the healing journey begin
I was at a breaking point when everything became too much to bear. The damage was done. How can it be repaired? I could not see how I can move forward with the anticipation that the situation will repeat itself again and again. Dr. Lobel’s book offered validation and some light through the gloominess. I want to start with redefining my values and learning to forgive. I know she never intended to hurt me. She was not taught how to love. I know she must be hurting, too. Healing will not be easy. Let the journey begin.
I was at a breaking point when everything became too much to bear. The damage was done. How can it be repaired? I could not see how I can move forward with the anticipation that the situation will repeat itself again and again. Dr. Lobel’s book offered validation and some light through the gloominess. I want to start with redefining my values and learning to forgive. I know she never intended to hurt me. She was not taught how to love. I know she must be hurting, too. Healing will not be easy. Let the journey begin.
December 27, 2025
This book is for you if you want to better understand your parent, improve yourself, and improve the relationship.
My parent doesn’t have a diagnosis, but she meets 7/9 of the symptoms and you only need five to be diagnosed. I listened to this book straight through one afternoon. I probably need to purchase it so I can refer back to it often. I don’t relate to a lot of the scenarios, my experience was quite different, but the manipulation and walking on eggshells hits home. The book briefly mentions emotional and physical abuse which can come with BPD but it basically just tells you to see private counseling and implies that this isn’t always a part of BPD.
Overall the book was very enlightening and helpful.
My parent doesn’t have a diagnosis, but she meets 7/9 of the symptoms and you only need five to be diagnosed. I listened to this book straight through one afternoon. I probably need to purchase it so I can refer back to it often. I don’t relate to a lot of the scenarios, my experience was quite different, but the manipulation and walking on eggshells hits home. The book briefly mentions emotional and physical abuse which can come with BPD but it basically just tells you to see private counseling and implies that this isn’t always a part of BPD.
Overall the book was very enlightening and helpful.
June 1, 2025
I found this book both Validating and triggering. I probably didn’t investigate the intention of the book was in maintaining a relationship with a mother who had BPD before starting. My goal for the book was my own understanding and healing. I had not intention of repairing a relationship, and couldn’t as she has passed. The book would have been much more beneficial to me 12-13 years ago when I was transitioning to no contact.
February 10, 2020
Helpful guide for understanding the effects of having a mom with bpd. Easy to read with lots of practical advice for healing from the past and developing a better relationship with your mom in the present. Highly recommend.
June 10, 2021
Short, concise, helpful
In this brief book, very practical, well defined, steps to take in coping with a BPD mother are given. I like that it is practical, orderly, methodical and succinct.
In this brief book, very practical, well defined, steps to take in coping with a BPD mother are given. I like that it is practical, orderly, methodical and succinct.
August 30, 2025
I feel like my mother's name could have been written in the title of this book...the references, I felt like a bobble head reading this.
The amount of hghlighter and post it notes I used with this...to help me realize that I am not going out of my mind.
The amount of hghlighter and post it notes I used with this...to help me realize that I am not going out of my mind.
January 8, 2020
Quick and accurate read. It was so on-the-nose that it was a bit difficult (painful) to read, but it offered many good ideas and reassurances.
February 22, 2020
Practical and easy to understand
Approaches the mother with BPD with kindness, and helps the child understand when and how the relationship can be restored.
Approaches the mother with BPD with kindness, and helps the child understand when and how the relationship can be restored.
August 31, 2020
Aha
Excellent diagnostic of Bpd this was an eye opener for why children of these mothers suffer. Very good information on setting boundaries and healing from this programming.
Excellent diagnostic of Bpd this was an eye opener for why children of these mothers suffer. Very good information on setting boundaries and healing from this programming.
November 23, 2025
If you have already gone no contact with your mom, I wouldn’t recommend reading this book as it mainly gives you strategies to deal with her.
January 6, 2026
This book was helpful but not as nitty gritty on everyday experiences. “Understanding the Borderline Mother” has more personal experiences that I could relate to and apply to my life.
November 4, 2025
who knew I had BPD?
I have worked hard all my life to tamp down my anger at my mother. She is now deceased so that closet is locked and closed. Or it was until I realized that I had learned all of her negative lessons and passed her actions on to my eldest child. I learned a lot from this book and hope to introduce it to my son to revisit our issues.
I have worked hard all my life to tamp down my anger at my mother. She is now deceased so that closet is locked and closed. Or it was until I realized that I had learned all of her negative lessons and passed her actions on to my eldest child. I learned a lot from this book and hope to introduce it to my son to revisit our issues.
October 25, 2019
I am glad to see information published about Borderline Personality Disorder because I think there are great number of people with this category of mental illness who have trouble with their relationships and their jobs. As a adult child of parent who probably has BPD, the emotional detachment and anger can be quite damaging. I believe this book is meant for the generation that lived through the Depression and World II, so there is trauma related BPD that becomes a survival skill. I don't think parents that era are as willing to go to therapy or as self-aware (or self-absorbed) as the younger parents are today. The only issue I have with the book is the concept that people with BPD are aware of their condition, or that they can't get better. I listen to Dr. Daniel Fox's videos on youtube, and there are many, many comments there from BPD patients that are very aware of the impact it has on their lives, and they want to try anything to resolve the issues. May be a generational difference, as I can't see my parent changing in her 80s to be a more compassionate person.
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