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187 pages, Mass Market Paperback
First published January 1, 1969
• At least one smoking hot female lead that falls madly in looooOoOOooove with Earl.
◦ Bonus points if her name is also the title of the book.
• A description of "the affinity-twin formula”..., “based on a molecular chain of fifteen units and the reversal of one unit would make it either dominant or subject”, how it was stolen and how the Cyclan want it back (calculating it by hand would take “9,000 years”).
• One or more references to previous lovers -- most importantly the lead female character in this book, the beautiful redhead Kalin .
• If a female is somehow *not* interested in Earl, then there’s a very high probability that they are transexual and will find a way sell out Earl to the Cyclan.
• An obligatory description of a Cyclan bad guy mentally phoning home via “the Samatchazi formula” to their "headquarters buried deep beneath miles of rock on a lonely planet” .
• A description of “riding low” in “caskets meant for the transport of animals”, “frozen and ninety percent dead”, with a “fifteen percent death rate”.
• Drinking a tall cool glass of “Basic”, aka “all the nutrients and vitamins a space traveler needs in a day”.
• Speaking of drinks… got wine? Every planet in the galaxy drinks wine by the gallon, of course. Descriptors of how the wine differs from the norm is mandatory.
• Earl of Earth’s origin story of “scared youngster stowing away on a ship”, a “kindly captain taking him in vice shoving him out of an airlock”, and how the many years of wandering ended up in regions of that galaxy where almost everyone thinks “Earth” is a mythical joke (“...like Eden or El Dorado”), especially in light of racial diversity, etc.
◦ Bonus points if a character says “`Earth’? What a silly name for a planet! That’s like calling a place ‘Dirt’ haha!”
• Obligatory “Church of the Universal Brotherhood” references, to include the mention that their religious services come with both a wafer of food and a hypnotic block to keep people from committing murder, plus their credo “Here, but for the grace of God, go I.”
• Oh, and never forget: Earl's 9-inch knife is so important, it might as well be considered to be his sidekick. 100% obligatory!
"...the author must assume that the
reader hasn’t come across the other
volumes, and therefore the various
key elements must be re-established
each time. And in a work of this kind,
once you have thought up an adequate
description of a process, why bother
to think up another, if you require it
only once per book?"